A perfect double taper.

August 14, 2009 6:44 AM

George Brett, baseball Hall-of-Famer, has had an illustrious career. But even great men can have truly humbling experiences. Luckily, George is the kind of guy who isn't ashamed to discuss HIS humbling experience at great length (Language NSFW). And it's good to know that there is no tale so tragic that it can't be turned into a catchy song (Language and hilarity NSFW).
posted by FatherDagon (27 comments total)

He was the first MLB player to talk openly about 'roids.
posted by srboisvert at 6:55 AM on August 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

George Brett is sort of a baseball god around here in the same way one worships Roman deities after Constantine, he reminds us that at one time things were better but we all know they will never be the same again. He's of course followed by his Vestals, a small cadre of luxury car dealership owners and men who surely have a bag of Callaways perpetually sitting in the trunk of their foreign car. If you ever see an older man with his hair slicked back, in black polo with an attractive girl bathed in Mystic Tan that you're unsure if it is his daughter or not until he grabs his thigh, that is one of Brett's maenads and it is customary to buy them a light beer. Their god is older now, and not worshiped anymore, they can be vengeful if you do not pay your respects.

Some say Carl Peterson was once one of these maenads, but had fallen. He became too proud and began to think himself better than the gods. His began parking his late model Cadillacs in handicap spaces, jingling his keyless entry devices loudly whenever he entered into the Plaza III. He also began making really bad draft choices. For months KC Wolf and Sluggerrr battled the Peterson, but it was no use, they must make the ultimate sacrifice: our one chance at getting an NBA team to be perpetually used by league owners to get better arenas in their home cities.

We learned a hard lesson and now whenever we see these maenads at Kona Grill or Cheesecake Factory we say nothing and leave our offerings, hoping that someday their god would come back and bless our city with a winning team.
posted by geoff. at 7:17 AM on August 14, 2009 [13 favorites]

The other guy is pretty uncomfortable - he keeps walking away, and Brett keeps following him.
posted by jpdoane at 7:19 AM on August 14, 2009

Isn't ashamed to discuss? It seems to me that he was caught with a parabolic shotgun mic in a private conversation, and some fucking jerk posted in on YouTube. Funny story (because it isn't me) but he should get to decide whether it's for public disclosure.

I spent quite a bit of time in MLB clubhouses in my previous life, and the crazy stuff (mostly sex) that ballplayers would talk about in really foul terms (for some reason, defying my expectations, the pitchers were level-headed and easygoing, while high-percentage hitters were the foul-mouthed prima donnas) was not for public consumption just because I could hear it.
posted by planetkyoto at 7:19 AM on August 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

See also, Brett going completely apeshit after being called out because he has pine tar too far up on his bat.
posted by thebergfather at 7:26 AM on August 14, 2009

the pitchers were level-headed and easygoing, while high-percentage hitters were the foul-mouthed prima donnas

Little League was the same damn way. Kid hits a triple and suddenly he's A-Rod. Settle down, Jeter, the 4 foot tall 9 year old to your left just pitched 5 scoreless innings and he's just chewing his gum and adjusting his shoelaces.
posted by empyrean at 7:32 AM on August 14, 2009

I spent quite a bit of time in MLB clubhouses in my previous life, and the crazy stuff (mostly sex) that ballplayers would talk about in really foul terms (for some reason, defying my expectations, the pitchers were level-headed and easygoing, while high-percentage hitters were the foul-mouthed prima donnas)

Seems like it's been that way for a while too, if Mickey Mantle is any indication.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:37 AM on August 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

"he was caught with a parabolic shotgun mic in a private conversation"

ha!

First of all, he knows there is a mic on him. He has been there a thousand times, he knows what the deal is. That is partly *why* he is telling this yarn, I bet. 'Broadcast this if you dare' kinda thing.

Secondly, he appears to be telling this story to get a rise out of a) the guy he is pigeonholing, who is grossed out and tries to get away, and b) undoubtedly the audio engineer(s), who are usually slightly demented perverts for this kind of stuff anyway, I should know, cos I am one.

I mean, come on, he's a grown man talking about uncontrollable liquishits and asks "when was the last time you shit your pants?"

Standard piss-takery. Or shit takery. Whatever.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 7:39 AM on August 14, 2009

that Mickey Mantle letter is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.
posted by shmegegge at 7:40 AM on August 14, 2009

I thought for sure this was going to be about Hemorrhoids. Boy was I surprised.
posted by humboldt32 at 8:04 AM on August 14, 2009

george brett?
women love his face, men love his face and penis
posted by the aloha at 8:09 AM on August 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

I really hope that Mantle letter is real.
posted by ORthey at 8:10 AM on August 14, 2009

...

...

Oooh, double taper.
posted by penduluum at 9:14 AM on August 14, 2009

Even though he didn't play for my hometown team, I absolutely loved George Brett as a kid. Just something about the intensity and personality he played with, in a game where most of the players, let's face it, just aren't very interesting.

After I grew up I found out how much he loves Rush Limbaugh. Unfortunate, but I still love him as a player.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:22 AM on August 14, 2009

Oh, and speaking of vintage 80s baseball, and my hometown Orioles, how about this vintage Earl Weaver radio outtake?
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:25 AM on August 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

After I grew up I found out how much he loves Rush Limbaugh. Unfortunate, but I still love him as a player.

In the late 70s and early 80s Limbaugh worked for the Royals, so I don't think it is perhaps the same as listening to the character Rush Limbaugh plays on the radio.
posted by geoff. at 9:29 AM on August 14, 2009

that Vegas story brings to mind some essential wisdom: "Never eat seafood doing in a landlocked desert."
posted by philip-random at 9:56 AM on August 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

The "most perfect double tapered shit" ending is hilarious. He just throws that in like it's the most common expression ever.
posted by orme at 10:04 AM on August 14, 2009

One thing worse than a cheater: A cheater who throws a hissy fit when caught cheating.
posted by Flunkie at 10:45 AM on August 14, 2009

ummm ... "Never eat seafood in a landlocked desert"

don't know where that "doing" came from.
posted by philip-random at 11:12 AM on August 14, 2009

Flunkie, if you're referring to the pine tar incident, bear in mind (1) the penalty was supposed to be removal of the bat from the game, not the erasure of a two-run game winning homer (hence the appeal and continuance of the game later), and (2) the reason pine tar was not allowed up on the hitting surface was so it wouldn't get on the balls and make them unsuitable for use, not because it conferred some sort of advantage. Even if it was "cheating," the result was a an undeserved fucking-over.
posted by exogenous at 11:15 AM on August 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

To further exogenous' point, the Royals protested the umpire's decision to call Brett out and their protest was upheld by MLB.

More info: The Pine Tar Incident
posted by The Gooch at 11:26 AM on August 14, 2009

the penalty was supposed to be removal of the bat from the game, not the erasure of a two-run game winning homer (hence the appeal and continuance of the game later)

That's totally false.

Lee McPhail, the American League President, overruled the umpires on the grounds that he believed that the spirit of the game wasn't violated, despite the fact (which he explicitly said was a fact) that the rules of the game were violated.

He also requested that the rule be rewritten, which it was; it now says that the bat should be removed from the game, and forbids the umpires from removing the batter from the game.

the reason pine tar was not allowed up on the hitting surface was so it wouldn't get on the balls and make them unsuitable for use, not because it conferred some sort of advantage.

George Brett had it there for some reason.

Even if it was "cheating," the result was a an undeserved fucking-over.

No, the undeserved fucking-over was the after-the-fact overruling of the actual correctly implemented rules of the game.

And none of this changes the fact that George Brett is a cheater who throws hissy-fits when caught cheating.
posted by Flunkie at 12:24 PM on August 14, 2009

George Brett had it there for some reason.

I don't see how you draw that conclusion. The purpose of pine tar is to improve grip on the handle; nobody in the MLB chokes up more than 18". Regardless of the formal penalty imposed, it seems the actual point of the rule has always been to prevent the ball getting dirty.

I guess maybe pine tar above 18" could be useful in a bunt. But Brett wasn't bunting on that play; a bunt would've been useless. So you're basically speculating that he intended to 'cheat' on some future play (likely in an entirely different game, given the situation), rather than it just being accidental tar over-spreading onto a generally useless portion of the bat.

And none of this changes the fact that George Brett is a cheater who throws hissy-fits when caught cheating.

I look forward to your calm, collected reaction next time you are arrested for jaywalking and have the maximum legal penalty imposed.
posted by rkent at 1:10 PM on August 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd give a week's pay to go out drinking with Brett. I bet he has a million wacky stories like that. And he has a great delivery too.

True story.
posted by digsrus at 1:15 PM on August 14, 2009

George Brett had it there for some reason.

I don't see how you draw that conclusion

Followed by multiple examples of reasons you think he might have had it there.

I look forward to your calm, collected reaction next time you are arrested for jaywalking and have the maximum legal penalty imposed.

Nice straw man. George Brett wasn't sent to jail, wasn't charged a fine, and wasn't even in a legal situation in the first place. He was playing a game.

He then had the rules of the game imposed upon him -- correctly -- when he was found to have violated them.

And then he threw a hissy fit.
posted by Flunkie at 1:16 PM on August 14, 2009

this is one of my favorite things about Baseball discussions. there comes a point where team loyalty (or animosity) is so unwavering that logic simply doesn't enter into it.

for instance, despite having lived my whole life in NY I have a bunch of friends who are Red Sox fans. One of them has repeatedly tried to explain to me why Derek Jeter is the worst short stop in baseball. something about having no reach or something.

and there's a point where you know that there is no rationale to a discussion about this. you can't possibly make any headway into this point. this man has decided, out of sheer hatred for the man, that Derek Jeter is the worst shortstop in baseball, and that's all there is to it. If he were to say "well, he's not that great of a short stop," or something, you could maybe see it as an opinion he came to rationally. but the worst? there's nothing for it. "yes, of course you're right. derek jeter has stumpy midget legs and can't reach the ball quickly enough. he is the worst short stop in baseball. can we go get a drink, now?"
posted by shmegegge at 1:23 PM on August 14, 2009