Dear [primary caregiver], [vaginal expert] and various nurses/assistants whose names I will probably be screaming later on:
I am so [random emotion] to have my baby born at [national monument]. I apologize in advance for any [adjective] names I call you during labor, such as [noun] or [adjective] or [adverb] [color] [sex organ]. I did not mean to say that your [family member] is [adjective]. I'm sure it/he/she/they is/are actually quite [euphemism]."
Please note that I am not in control of my [emotion]. I may [verb] like a [member of the armed forces]. I may start singing songs about the [national holiday]. Anything is possible.
If I [verb] things that are [adverb] shocking, or [gesture] you right in your [body part], I already said I was sorry. By reading this birth plan you agree not to press charges or file any lawsuits against me.
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