Let's Panic About Babies!

August 19, 2009 1:27 PM

Let's Panic About Babies!"Fortunately for everyone in the whole wide world, Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy have created the only website that accurately explains the journey from morning sickness to third-degree tears to keeping that baby alive for a year–or more! LET’S PANIC ABOUT BABIES will serve as a salve to the mystery and degradation of this most female of challenges. Its authors may not have 'science' on their side, but what they do have is far more valuable: a heady mélange of female intuition, sentence-forming know-how, and the achingly vivid memories of their own gestational journeys and unending motherhoods. So join Alice and Eden as they tell you exactly what to think and feel and do on every one of your 2,681 days* of pregnancy. They know everything! * 'Science' would tell you that human gestation is actually, on average, 266 days. This is one of many ways in which science is terribly wrong."

Alice and Eden help you make a birth plan:

Dear [primary caregiver], [vaginal expert] and various nurses/assistants whose names I will probably be screaming later on:

I am so [random emotion] to have my baby born at [national monument]. I apologize in advance for any [adjective] names I call you during labor, such as [noun] or [adjective] or [adverb] [color] [sex organ]. I did not mean to say that your [family member] is [adjective]. I'm sure it/he/she/they is/are actually quite [euphemism]."

...

Please note that I am not in control of my [emotion]. I may [verb] like a [member of the armed forces]. I may start singing songs about the [national holiday]. Anything is possible.

If I [verb] things that are [adverb] shocking, or [gesture] you right in your [body part], I already said I was sorry. By reading this birth plan you agree not to press charges or file any lawsuits against me.

No backsies.

posted by ocherdraco (63 comments total)

Must I? I have a thing at 2:00.
posted by everichon at 1:34 PM on August 19 [2 favorites has favorites]

There's such a fine line between batshitinsane mommyblogs and satire of batshitinsane mommyblogs that I honestly can't tell which side this falls on. I think (and hope) the satire side, but I've been proven wrong before.
posted by dersins at 1:36 PM on August 19

Metafilter: [adverb][color][sex organ]
posted by poe at 1:37 PM on August 19 [14 favorites has favorites]

Uh, read the "About Us" it's def satire. I don't know if it's funny, though, not having a uterus and all.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:38 PM on August 19

I think parody more than satire. Perhaps both? I smiled at the 1-800-DINGOES ad. The rest ...
posted by mrgrimm at 1:38 PM on August 19

I never got my rubber lactation suit. What a gip.
posted by oddman at 1:40 PM on August 19

Gip?
posted by ODiV at 1:42 PM on August 19

"Scotch. It's what for lunch."

Funny because it's true!
posted by papercake at 1:44 PM on August 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

The title is great.
posted by caddis at 1:46 PM on August 19

Brace yourself for the most graphic post-childbirth images you've ever seen

I am afraid to click this link.
posted by scrutiny at 1:47 PM on August 19

I think it's funny! What Kind of Pregnant Lady Are You? is my favorite so far.
posted by peep at 1:47 PM on August 19

Gip?

oddman meant that the purveyor of the rubber lactation suit short-changed him, which behavior, he goes on to imply, is conveniently shorthanded by making reference to the Roma.
posted by everichon at 1:47 PM on August 19 [3 favorites has favorites]

The ads made me laugh.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:49 PM on August 19

is conveniently shorthanded by making reference to the Roma.

I know plenty of well-meaning folks who were, to a one, uniformly horrified (well, that's pretty strong but still) to discover the dismissive etymology of the word. I'd suggest pointing it out in good faith and not leaping to the conclusion that the person is being deliberately offensive / racist / etc.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:50 PM on August 19

everichon: "Gip?

oddman meant that the purveyor of the rubber lactation suit short-changed him, which behavior, he goes on to imply, is conveniently shorthanded by making reference to the Roma."

I would have sworn he was referring to that bastard, Ronald Reagan.
posted by shmegegge at 1:53 PM on August 19 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'd suggest pointing it out in good faith and not leaping to the conclusion that the person is being deliberately offensive / racist / etc.

I don't actually think oddman was trying to slag on the Roma; I am bored at work and using MeFi to entertain myself in ways not sanctioned on the label.

I'm a go outside now.
posted by everichon at 1:54 PM on August 19

scrutiny: I double dog dare you.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:56 PM on August 19

The "Baby Slinger" ad made me guffaw out loud. Guess I'll keep readin'.
posted by hecho de la basura at 1:56 PM on August 19

FAQ:

What is the best time to wean the baby?

When you see teeth marks.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.
posted by netbros at 1:59 PM on August 19 [3 favorites has favorites]

See, I thought that was "gyp". Gip sounds like it's short for The Gipper or something.

Anyway, sorry for the derail.
posted by ODiV at 1:59 PM on August 19

(and beaten by shmegegge)
posted by ODiV at 2:00 PM on August 19

Metafilter: [adverb][color][sex organ]

Metafilter: Dangerously Purple Taters
posted by InfidelZombie at 2:03 PM on August 19 [5 favorites has favorites]

I've seen it spelled gip, jip, gyp and even jyp. I don't think there's really a standard spelling. This sort of thing always makes me think about the aside about the word "jizzum" in Vonnegut's "The Big Space Fuck."

So what's this about some kind of blog? Or something?
posted by nanojath at 2:07 PM on August 19

Wow... having seen my wife on the babyboards for a good chunk of the past year, I'm not sure she is quite ready to laugh at some of this...

There will be a portion of this which she might find funny... possibly... but I could also see her calling me over and pointing out why some of the stuff in this is not right nor good advice and that babies shouldn't be on solid foods at certain points that it seems to say they should....

Newborn concerns and concerns which new mothers have are really really not great opportunities for humor... at least not for ... many many months... Humor goes away for a bit when you have a oedipal Napoleon preventing you from sleeping, showering, and otherwise taking care of yourself... For some reason, sense of humor is not generally the first thing to recover post-partum.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:07 PM on August 19

Nanuk, that's because it's driven out by sheer, unimaginable terror.

But eventually, that goes away, and you start drinking again and it's all good.
posted by emjaybee at 2:14 PM on August 19 [4 favorites has favorites]

Hilarious. Thanks.
posted by nax at 2:16 PM on August 19

Babies: Why not have a bunch?
Sponsored by Babies For World Domination

Heh.
posted by i_cola at 2:21 PM on August 19

Yes, the slang term which is based on the ethnic stereotype that Rom and Sinti people are dishonest is correctly spelled "gyp" as in "Gypsy". I assume that whoever used that was unaware of the term's offensive origin until now.

I don't think there's really a standard spelling.

I think the spelling in the OED is standard. It's a word that has been used a lot in print over the last 100 years or so, sadly enough.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:25 PM on August 19

Seriously though - this is hillarious...
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:26 PM on August 19

Well, we've got a 2yr old and this is pretty hilarious. Sort of like a MAD Magazine for moms. MAD Magazine when it was funny, i mean.
posted by jadayne at 2:28 PM on August 19

Also, "welsh" (on bets or debts) originates in the stereotype that Welsh people are dishonest (see also the song "Taffy Was a Welshman, Taffy Was a Thief"), and "paddy wagons" were so dubbed in the 19th century because they sent out to collect drunken brawlers, who by stereotype were all Irish immigrants named Patrick. OH XENOPHOBIA AND YOUR COLORFUL SLANG!
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:28 PM on August 19 [2 favorites has favorites]

Is this something I would have to be a breeder to understand?
posted by longsleeves at 2:29 PM on August 19 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wow, they put a lot of hilarious content in this site. Great stuff.
posted by potch at 2:32 PM on August 19

Things that will nauseate you... ...during your first trimester: Heidegger
posted by delmoi at 2:36 PM on August 19

Things that will nauseate you... ...during your first trimester: Heidegger.

Babies-in-the-world ... four-diaperfold ... yeah, I'm with you: this is gold.
posted by joe lisboa at 3:02 PM on August 19

Don't forget historical insults regarding the perceived wimpiness of the Dutch!
posted by Rangeboy at 3:21 PM on August 19

Also, 1-800-DINGOES? Awesome.
posted by Rangeboy at 3:23 PM on August 19

As someone whose wife is now 7 weeks pregnant after two miscarriages the stress is killing me...I needed a laugh. Thanks.
posted by jimmythefish at 3:45 PM on August 19

Wait, were "paddy wagons" stereotyping the drunken Irish brawlers, or the heavily Irish police force?
posted by haltingproblemsolved at 3:54 PM on August 19

Idea way funnier than execution. Alas, alack. I would love to panic about babies.
posted by shownomercy at 4:03 PM on August 19

Paddy wagons were for rounding up the Paddies, so the former.
posted by dersins at 4:04 PM on August 19

It's like Erma Bombeck - with attitude!
posted by eatyourcellphone at 4:11 PM on August 19

Hang in there jimmythefish. I lost the first three and the fourth and fifth pregnancies were terrifying. (Back to the website, because there's got to be something dark and subversive regarding miscarriage...)
posted by nax at 5:13 PM on August 19

I was going to say the funniest thing was that the people behind this think that BABIES are hard and have therefore obviously never had toddlers (or older). But then I saw the ads.

Long story short: "Not the Catholic Church".
posted by DU at 5:31 PM on August 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

I can't stop laughing. I hope this spawns similar "Let's Panic!" sites.

spawns, heh! heh!
posted by sidereal at 6:31 PM on August 19

Don't forget historical insults regarding the perceived wimpiness of the Dutch!

Not to mention their parsimony and know-it-all-ism.

I'm now trying to think of the sentence that could combine the largest possible number of slang terms originating from slurs against different groups of Europeans.

I got gypped by the machine when I tried to buy some French letters, and the bartender welshed on paying me back; I guess I was too full of Dutch courage, because I made a scene and wound up getting hauled off in the paddy wagon seems like an outtake from a bad Mickey Spillane novel.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:12 PM on August 19

"paddy wagons" were so dubbed in the 19th century because they sent out to collect drunken brawlers, who by stereotype were all Irish immigrants named Patrick. OH XENOPHOBIA AND YOUR COLORFUL SLANG!

Oh, Sidhedevil. Don't you live in Cambridge? have you never gone into a Somerville bar? Drunken Irish guys are not named Patrick, they are all named Sully.

(true Boston fact!)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:16 PM on August 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

Drunken Irish guys are not named Patrick, they are all named Sully. (bitter-girl.com)

This is so true. It includes my ex-boyfriend. (Though his bar of choice was in Cambridge, and he was from Rhody.)
posted by ocherdraco at 7:22 PM on August 19

And if you are drinking at Sligo, in Davis Square, you will encounter the curious phenomenon I like to call the 'workout leprechaun,' namely an Irish guy who is about 5' tall, is wearing a baseball cap and some kind of short sleeved shirt (no matter what the weather), with GINORMOUS, out-of-proportion HUGE arms from working out all the time. They are pretty much all named Sully, too.

Do not mistake them for babies, panic, buy them a drink or bum them a cigarette, they will never leave you alone, and they travel in packs. No gold will be forthcoming, they are not THOSE kind of leprechauns.

Nevertheless, like some babies, they tend to be cute in a loud and obnoxious kind of way. I am a total sucker for Sullys.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:27 PM on August 19 [2 favorites has favorites]

I love this post because it is so classic MeFi. If you look at MeFi posts from the early days this is it. Some individual or small group making some funny or quirky post. This is CatScan. Somehow over the years the web has changed and this funny stuff is lost. Most of the posts on MeFi now are no longer some small quirky and funny site but news stories, politics, youboobery, death notices, some music, etc. It lacks the fun of discovery that was MeFi even five years ago. I like one or two posts a day and a week might produce only one or two real gems. This is not about MeFi as much as it is about the web. It has changed, become more commercial, less personal. Where it is personal it is less quotable here as we are not about the funny picture, we want some substance. We don't want the diary entry, we want the diary, but if the diary isn't enough then forget it. The traditional post of the new creative 'website' is harder to find.

Matt on the other hand is brilliant. He was right in front of the world in getting together a community to find these creative and interesting sites when the web was new and this community, matching his personality, turned out to be really interesting in its own way. Then he launched AskMe, which with the right community has become one of the internet's most interesting places. The main site may be a bit less vital than it was in the early days, yet it still fulfills its original goal, at least as how I see it. When I come here I find most of what is new and worth seeking on the web, and it is all distilled into one convenient place. There are more aggregators, and some are arguably just as good or perhaps even better at this basic function, but I still like to stop by here first to find out what is happening in the world that is the www.
posted by caddis at 7:40 PM on August 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

EVERYONE, EVERYONE! THE SHMOOPY IS BACK!
posted by ocherdraco at 7:43 PM on August 19

Metafilter loves you, too, Caddis.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:44 PM on August 19

"Get to know your vagina . . . "

Ha! Priceless!
posted by garnetgirl at 8:17 PM on August 19

I thought I had left my sense of humor in the diaper pail at 4AM around week 7. Finally Metafilter guides me to a parenting site that is tasteless and cynical enough to pierce the thick, hard crust and draw the corners of my mouth up into a rictus that might be a grin.

DU: I was going to say the funniest thing was that the people behind this think that BABIES are hard and have therefore obviously never had toddlers (or older).

I hate you so very much right now.
posted by xthlc at 8:40 PM on August 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

Paddy wagons were for rounding up the Paddies, so the former.

as an irish american, i can say you're all wrong - paddy wagons were originally used to deliver potato chips
posted by pyramid termite at 9:28 PM on August 19

NINA, amirite?

goodnight, all
posted by everichon at 10:23 PM on August 19

I thought I had left my sense of humor in the diaper pail at 4AM around week 7

That was feces.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:37 PM on August 19

Baby’s Here! Your Life is Over

yeabuddy.

I hate you so very much right now.

Uh, yeah. We say "I'm so glad I'm done with that" when what we mean is "I have no idea what I'm doing now. Help me look back to the days when it seemed so much simpler."


OH XENOPHOBIA AND YOUR COLORFUL SLANG!


They and the Indian Givers are my favorite bands.
posted by lysdexic at 10:45 PM on August 19

Hilarious. 1-800-DINGOES indeed....
posted by Go Banana at 10:53 PM on August 19

I thought I had left my sense of humor in the diaper pail at 4AM around week 7

Although I have no children of my own (and I never plan on doing so), I do have 9 niece's and nephews ranging from age 19 down to 2 months, and not only have I changed every one of their diapers several times, I have experienced some of the worst diaper situations ever known to wo\man.

for example:
and also just thinking about what happens to a baby's stool after the transition from breast milk to formula makes me cringe.

The last diaper I changed left me horrified (cheap diapers+car seat=sad auntie)
and vowed to never do it again, telling my brothers and sisters that I have retired from baby changing forever.

But anyway in spite of all the baby madness I have gone through in my life I still find this site funny as hell.
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 12:26 AM on August 20

Shh, don't tell anyone about Scotch tape!
posted by NortonDC at 8:34 AM on August 20

This is the funniest pregnancy site ever. The bed rest entry ALONE is comedy gold.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:31 AM on August 20

I laughed hysterically. Then I broke out into a cold sweat.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:32 PM on August 20