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A Heartbreaking Wank of Staggering Spunkage
August 27, 2009 3:13 AM   Subscribe

61 literary euphemisms for masturbation…
via the always discreeet Miss Cellania
(and yes, we've had something similar here before, but it missed this list, which is, you know, literary)

posted by wendell (110 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

 
It had me at #2 Burying the lede...
posted by wendell at 3:16 AM on August 27, 2009


69 would be more fun.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:41 AM on August 27, 2009


Killing The Mockingbird

Revisiting Brideshead

Polishing The Marble Faun

The Power and The Glory

Cracking the spine

Winding up the Bird Chronicle

Giving birth to Midnight's Children

heh heh heh.
posted by smoke at 3:42 AM on August 27, 2009


I feel obligated to add...

Abusing the muse...

Making a cold submission...

Spending the advance...

Putting something on the blank page...

Doing a movie novelization...

Pynchon-ing one off...

Pounding the Underwood...

Something for The New Yorker...

Hitting the Barnes & Noble...

Making Oprah's Book Club...
posted by wendell at 3:44 AM on August 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


Baffling the Beloit Freshman
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 3:50 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh christ, "Touring Rosings with Mr Collins"? You have to know the story well and still it's obtuse but my word it might lose me my job if i read it and snort my tea over my keyboard again.


Polishing the Silverware

Elevenses for One

Flicking the Bean (one for the ladies only)


Just looking up, smoke, Polishing the Marble Faun? Utter genius.
posted by greenish at 3:53 AM on August 27, 2009


Mobying one's Dick
posted by Obscure Reference at 3:57 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Grappling with Howards End.

Relishing The Human Stain.
posted by hydatius at 4:00 AM on August 27, 2009


Making young Werther cry.

Getting Under Milk Wood.

Putting the life into Johnson.

Regaining Paradise.

Naming the Rose.

Priming Miss Jean Brodie.

And two that need no modifcation:

One Hundred Years of Solititude.

To The Lighthouse.

God, I could do this all day.
posted by smoke at 4:13 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Meta-ing one's Filter.
posted by chillmost at 4:21 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


One more, and then I stop, I promise.

Tarnishing the red badge of courage.

Obscuring Jude.

Playing the Trumpet Major.

Hypnotising the Plumed Serpent.

Taming White Fang.
posted by smoke at 4:27 AM on August 27, 2009


More writerly ones from my imagination.

Using Gutenberg's press.
Adding a new word to the dictionary.
Removing unnecessary adjectives.
dealing with writer's block.
Checking for errors in Strunk and White
Writing down the bones.
posted by seanyboy at 4:31 AM on August 27, 2009


See also, Dr. Doom's top ten euphemisms for sex (although any of these would be a suitable as wanking metaphors as well)
posted by Scoo at 4:35 AM on August 27, 2009


Banging the Drum Slowly
posted by Scoo at 4:36 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Dreaming of Electric Sheep.
posted by Scoo at 4:37 AM on August 27, 2009


Exercising the Quill.
posted by Elmore at 4:52 AM on August 27, 2009


@Scoo, It first read I thought you meant Dr. Dooom, now THAT would be a list a sex metaphors...
posted by drowsy at 5:03 AM on August 27, 2009


François Rabelais was an early pioneer of this field.

He would strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it. He would flay the fox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep, and turn the hogs to the hay. He would beat the dogs before the lion, put the plough before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch. He would pump one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, and always eat his white bread first. He shoed the geese, kept a self-tickling to make himself laugh...

—Chapter 1.XI.—Of the youthful age of Gargantua
posted by Alison at 5:12 AM on August 27, 2009


Cradling the cat.
posted by netdpb at 5:14 AM on August 27, 2009


Shaking white acorns from the Golden Bough.
posted by smoke at 5:17 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Still Life With Wood, Pecker.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:27 AM on August 27, 2009


That's a good one, uncleozzy!

Trout Fishing in America.
posted by smoke at 5:44 AM on August 27, 2009


I was delighted to learn from a recent review article on the Arabian Nights that in Arabic they talk about 'putting the imam into the prayer niche'.
posted by verstegan at 5:54 AM on August 27, 2009


Roughing the Suspect.
posted by zardoz at 6:07 AM on August 27, 2009


Early Orwell is surprisingly helpful:

Keeping the Aspidistra Flying
Coming Up For Air
A Homage to Catalonia
Walking the Road to Wigan Pier
A Day in Burma

(but ________ a Clergyman's Daughter is too easy).
posted by bright cold day at 6:08 AM on August 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


Pauling your epistle.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:13 AM on August 27, 2009


Pale Fire
posted by ijsbrand at 6:19 AM on August 27, 2009


To Kill a Mockingbird
Waking your Finnegan
As You Like It
Catching the conscience of the king
Singing of Arms and of the Man
L'Allegra and Il Pensoroso
Singing of yourself
Dancing at Lughnasa
Everyman
posted by PlusDistance at 6:29 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


My god I LOVED the title of this page (just noticed it)
posted by ShawnString at 6:35 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Slapstick.

Hi Ho.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 6:46 AM on August 27, 2009


Somehow I doubt that this is best of the web....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:53 AM on August 27, 2009


Commenting on Metafilter
posted by poppo at 7:02 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Going to Gondor
posted by taliaferro at 7:14 AM on August 27, 2009


NS'ing the FW
posted by jeremy b at 7:14 AM on August 27, 2009


Somehow I doubt that this is best of the web....

Fl a og it and move on.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:17 AM on August 27, 2009


Other Tolkein inspired offerings:

Saving Bilbo
Forging the one true ring
Battling Balrog
Taming Gollum
Facing the all-seeing eye
Search for the Ent-wives
posted by taliaferro at 7:21 AM on August 27, 2009


Grating your Gatsby
Taming your shrew.
Practicing the Emersonian notion of Self-Reliance
Living by Walden Pond
posted by HeroZero at 7:26 AM on August 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


In a bid for the earliest example: "A rosy fingering at dawn."
posted by Abiezer at 7:29 AM on August 27, 2009 [6 favorites]


Wheedling a wendell
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:41 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Somehow I doubt that this is best of the web....

Nothing personal, but that's a terrible euphemism
posted by Scoo at 7:51 AM on August 27, 2009 [3 favorites]


This is funny, but I thought it was going to be a list of euphemisms for masturbation that had appeared in literary works.
posted by not that girl at 8:05 AM on August 27, 2009


Posting to the Blue?
posted by anthill at 8:11 AM on August 27, 2009


A Heartbreaking Wank of Staggering Spunkage

I thought these were supposed to be euphemisms....
posted by jock@law at 8:22 AM on August 27, 2009


More like ew-phemisms, amirite?
posted by uncleozzy at 8:25 AM on August 27, 2009


I can't wait to try all of these!
posted by chrchr at 8:28 AM on August 27, 2009


Finishing the Infinite Gesture
posted by Lutoslawski at 8:29 AM on August 27, 2009


Flog it and move on.
posted by jquinby at 8:42 AM on August 27, 2009


dammit
posted by jquinby at 8:42 AM on August 27, 2009


Meh. This is weak like a youth given over to self-abuse.
posted by klangklangston at 8:45 AM on August 27, 2009


The Handmaid's Tale
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:50 AM on August 27, 2009


Early Orwell is surprisingly helpful:

Shooting An Elephant
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 8:54 AM on August 27, 2009 [3 favorites]


Stomping out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored
Traveling with Charlie
posted by mosk at 8:58 AM on August 27, 2009


Tilting the windmill.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 9:00 AM on August 27, 2009


smoke: "Killing The Mockingbird"

Get away from me.
posted by boo_radley at 9:03 AM on August 27, 2009 [6 favorites]


Jerkin' off.
posted by Mister_A at 9:06 AM on August 27, 2009


Anything by Dan Brown
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:21 AM on August 27, 2009


The Handmaid's Tale

I almost said that.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:21 AM on August 27, 2009


If anyone needs me, I'll be over here polishing my Hugo.
posted by jscalzi at 9:25 AM on August 27, 2009 [20 favorites]


oh my fucking god, jscalzi for the motherfucking WIN
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:25 AM on August 27, 2009


Stimulating the genitals to achieve orgasm.


Wait, I think I did it wrong...
posted by FatherDagon at 9:34 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Massively overrating David Foster Wallace?
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:38 AM on August 27, 2009


I think one of the good things about the internet is that it's basically mainstreamed masturbation. For most of the past 2000 years here in the West (and probably before) masturbation was considered to be a filthy, dirty act that one should be rightly ashamed and never speak of.

Nowadays, it's still filthy and dirty (if you're doing it right) but at least we all know that we're all doing it, and doing it regularly. I think the internet is to thank for that.

Thank you, internet.
posted by Avenger at 9:42 AM on August 27, 2009


Hey man, how about an NSFW for a page that prominently features the word 'Asshole' and has a naked lady on it.

(otherwise hilarious)
posted by lumpenprole at 9:57 AM on August 27, 2009


Not to derail, but if you can't figure out that a page whose subject is masturbation is likely to be NSFW, you have bigger problems. Common sense: you probably have some, so use it.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:58 AM on August 27, 2009


The Unbearable Whiteness of Being.

Love's Labour's Lost.

Cat's Cradle. (For the ladies)

Into Thin Air.
posted by pianomover at 9:59 AM on August 27, 2009


Ay, there's the rub.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:00 AM on August 27, 2009


Scalzi's is so much better than anything on the linked list. I'm not saying this as a Scalzi fanboy, either; I haven't read any of his crap.
posted by Mister_A at 10:01 AM on August 27, 2009


Into Thin Air

Into the wild?
posted by Pollomacho at 10:02 AM on August 27, 2009


Thank you, Scalz, thank you, thank you, thank you. I know it will sound very very wrong, but I was thinking of you when I decided to post this (and that's what makes it the Best of the Web).

But still,

Grading Your Hate Mail

Taking Your Laptop to a Coffee Shop

Calling in the Ghost Brigades

Winning an Old Man's War

Rough Guiding

Tale-ing Zoe

and non-Scalzi-related...

Doing a Dirty Limerick

Ripping Barbara Cartland's Bodice

Touch Typing

Exercising the Book-Signing Hand

Mastering the Art of French Cooking (finally a best seller!)

Running Down Stephen King

Buying a Bookmark

and, of course,

Blogging
posted by wendell at 10:03 AM on August 27, 2009


Hey, here's one for Charlie:

Accelerando.
posted by Mister_A at 10:06 AM on August 27, 2009


"Following a Red Herring"
posted by not_on_display at 10:06 AM on August 27, 2009


Raising high the roof beam (carpenters).
Putting Gulliver in his traveling box.
Shooting the seagull.
The short reign of Pippin.
The Wapshot chronicle.
Death Comes for the Archbishop.

(So Robert Frost has miles to go before he sleeps, eh? Wonder what his wife Elinor will make of a diminished thing?)
posted by aws17576 at 10:07 AM on August 27, 2009


Addressing Congress!
posted by PHINC at 10:11 AM on August 27, 2009


"Studying my own prosody."
posted by not_on_display at 10:11 AM on August 27, 2009


Polishing my copy
Hunting a first edition
Jarring the bell
Deflowering Algernon
Reading The Grapes of Wrath
Hunting for Red October
Rehearsing Cats
Turning the pimpernel scarlet
Doctoring Faustus
Retelling The King and I
posted by notashroom at 10:12 AM on August 27, 2009


Feasting On Asphalt
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:15 AM on August 27, 2009


Posting on the blue
posted by ob at 10:20 AM on August 27, 2009


Only slightly related, but anybody who doesn't think of Blogging as some kind of sexual euphemism should read this (although when you have an active comments section, it's less like masturbation and more like a gang bang).
posted by wendell at 10:20 AM on August 27, 2009


Not to derail, but if you can't figure out that a page whose subject is masturbation is likely to be NSFW, you have bigger problems. Common sense: you probably have some, so use it.

Dude, come on. I'm happily reading about masturbation right now. That's a little different from something that the person two desks away might see and get pissed about. But thanks for being a jerk anyway.
posted by lumpenprole at 10:21 AM on August 27, 2009


Fingersmith
The Man with the Golden Arm
The Strange Borders of Palace Crescent
Slouching Towards Kalamazoo
Illywhacker by Peter Carey
posted by applemeat at 10:36 AM on August 27, 2009


This page intentionally left wank.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:38 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Literary masturbation via Harry Mathews.
posted by inoculatedcities at 10:44 AM on August 27, 2009


Hurfing the durf
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 10:53 AM on August 27, 2009


Polishing the Bishop
Compiling the code
Minding your P's and Q's
Evacuating the Jeffries Tubes
Touching your Mahnkee
Making change
' (Your fortune for today: He who masturbate over cash register come into money)'
Getting in touch with an old friend
Summoning Aladdin
Mustering up the courage
Turning on the sprinkler

Best quit while I'm behind. A bunch more here.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 10:57 AM on August 27, 2009


A friend uses this one. Not subtle, but still makes me laugh:

Whacking your tack.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 10:59 AM on August 27, 2009


Self-linking.
posted by Anything at 11:12 AM on August 27, 2009


Tagging yer post.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:27 AM on August 27, 2009


There's a great page of unusual euphemisms on tvtropes.org.

MetaFilter: picking the pull-quotes
posted by not_on_display at 11:36 AM on August 27, 2009


Wrestling with Garp
posted by not_on_display at 11:38 AM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Let's get some female masturbation representation! Uh, in word form. I once came up with "shelunking." In the same conversation, someone else (a woman) dreamed up "fingering the suspect." Can I just say that hanging out with sketch comedians leads to great conversations? Later--and I don't know if it's telling or not that it was a gay man who formulated this--I was treated to "looking for change in the liver-lined pleasure purse."
posted by Skot at 11:43 AM on August 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


Ha! Shelunking is pretty good. Careful though, it can be moist work.
posted by Mister_A at 11:53 AM on August 27, 2009


Getting Stella's groove back
Breakfast in Tiffany
Depth of a salesman
The Art of Warmth
Associated Press
Touch typing
Captain Underpants
Reviving Ophelia
The Many Faces of Eve
Doing research
Deep background
Fleshing out your main character
Decreeing my pleasure dome
Gyre and gimble in the wabe
posted by notashroom at 12:42 PM on August 27, 2009


Hammering the Bukowski
posted by mcstayinskool at 12:57 PM on August 27, 2009


Shrugging Atlas

Though nothing will ever, ever replace 'tinkering with the R2 unit' as my euphemism of choice.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:31 PM on August 27, 2009


Gathering the Kindle-ing
posted by stevil at 1:44 PM on August 27, 2009


I'm going to amend mine to Asphyxiating my Bukowski. Much better now.
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:05 PM on August 27, 2009


From Bukowski to Lebowski:

Abiding the Dude
posted by Hardcore Poser at 2:21 PM on August 27, 2009


I think the favorite one I ever heard was from the 90's

"Re-reading the Republican Contract with America"
posted by timsteil at 2:35 PM on August 27, 2009


"Reading Don DeLillo"
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:40 PM on August 27, 2009


Clapping with one hand.
posted by emelenjr at 3:22 PM on August 27, 2009


I actually call it "shaking the dice".
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:46 PM on August 27, 2009


Vanity Press
posted by pianomover at 5:22 PM on August 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Mobying.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:04 PM on August 27, 2009


Can't believe this isn't here...

Waxing the dolphin.
posted by drhydro at 8:24 PM on August 27, 2009


My favorite, in honor of Joycelyn Elders: Firing the Surgeon General.

(I didn't make this up; all credit to Roy Zimmerman)
posted by tzikeh at 8:25 PM on August 27, 2009


Quieting the western front
Apologizing to Socrates
Disturbing the sand worm
posted by clorox at 10:55 PM on August 27, 2009


Contemplating Leviticus
posted by clorox at 10:57 PM on August 27, 2009


A Handful of Dust (for us celibates in the crowd)
posted by h00py at 4:57 AM on August 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


Rushing the limbaugh
razing guantanamo
Launching the surge
Impeaching the bush
Bailing out the banker
Capturing saddam
Cleaning the kalashnikov
Hiding in the cave
Punching the paparazzi
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:01 AM on August 28, 2009


Ugh I can't stop

Busting the ponzi
Getting in bed with big pharma
giving scooter the presidential pardon
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:18 AM on August 28, 2009


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