Oh christ, "Touring Rosings with Mr Collins"? You have to know the story well and still it's obtuse but my word it might lose me my job if i read it and snort my tea over my keyboard again.
Polishing the Silverware
Elevenses for One
Flicking the Bean (one for the ladies only)
Just looking up, smoke, Polishing the Marble Faun? Utter genius. posted by greenish at 3:53 AM on August 27
Taming White Fang. posted by smoke at 4:27 AM on August 27
More writerly ones from my imagination.
Using Gutenberg's press.
Adding a new word to the dictionary.
Removing unnecessary adjectives.
dealing with writer's block.
Checking for errors in Strunk and White
Writing down the bones. posted by seanyboy at 4:31 AM on August 27
Dreaming of Electric Sheep. posted by Scoo at 4:37 AM on August 27
Exercising the Quill. posted by Elmore at 4:52 AM on August 27
@Scoo, It first read I thought you meant Dr. Dooom, now THAT would be a list a sex metaphors... posted by drowsy at 5:03 AM on August 27
François Rabelais was an early pioneer of this field.
He would strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it. He would flay the fox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep, and turn the hogs to the hay. He would beat the dogs before the lion, put the plough before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch. He would pump one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, and always eat his white bread first. He shoed the geese, kept a self-tickling to make himself laugh...
—Chapter 1.XI.—Of the youthful age of Gargantua posted by Alison at 5:12 AM on August 27
Cradling the cat. posted by netdpb at 5:14 AM on August 27
Shaking white acorns from the Golden Bough. posted by smoke at 5:17 AM on August 27 [1 favorite]
Still Life With Wood, Pecker. posted by uncleozzy at 5:27 AM on August 27
That's a good one, uncleozzy!
Trout Fishing in America. posted by smoke at 5:44 AM on August 27
I was delighted to learn from a recent review article on the Arabian Nights that in Arabic they talk about 'putting the imam into the prayer niche'. posted by verstegan at 5:54 AM on August 27
Roughing the Suspect. posted by zardoz at 6:07 AM on August 27
Early Orwell is surprisingly helpful:
Keeping the Aspidistra Flying
Coming Up For Air
A Homage to Catalonia
Walking the Road to Wigan Pier
A Day in Burma
To Kill a Mockingbird
Waking your Finnegan
As You Like It
Catching the conscience of the king
Singing of Arms and of the Man
L'Allegra and Il Pensoroso
Singing of yourself
Dancing at Lughnasa
Everyman posted by PlusDistance at 6:29 AM on August 27 [1 favorite]
My god I LOVED the title of this page (just noticed it) posted by ShawnString at 6:35 AM on August 27 [1 favorite]
Fl a og it and move on. posted by uncleozzy at 7:17 AM on August 27
Other Tolkein inspired offerings:
Saving Bilbo
Forging the one true ring
Battling Balrog
Taming Gollum
Facing the all-seeing eye
Search for the Ent-wives posted by taliaferro at 7:21 AM on August 27
Grating your Gatsby
Taming your shrew.
Practicing the Emersonian notion of Self-Reliance
Living by Walden Pond posted by HeroZero at 7:26 AM on August 27 [2 favorites]
In a bid for the earliest example: "A rosy fingering at dawn." posted by Abiezer at 7:29 AM on August 27 [6 favorites]
Nothing personal, but that's a terrible euphemism posted by Scoo at 7:51 AM on August 27 [3 favorites]
This is funny, but I thought it was going to be a list of euphemisms for masturbation that had appeared in literary works. posted by not that girl at 8:05 AM on August 27
Posting to the Blue? posted by anthill at 8:11 AM on August 27
A Heartbreaking Wank of Staggering Spunkage
I thought these were supposed to be euphemisms.... posted by jock@law at 8:22 AM on August 27
More like ew-phemisms, amirite? posted by uncleozzy at 8:25 AM on August 27
I can't wait to try all of these! posted by chrchr at 8:28 AM on August 27
Finishing the Infinite Gesture posted by Lutoslawski at 8:29 AM on August 27
Flog it and move on. posted by jquinby at 8:42 AM on August 27
Massively overrating David Foster Wallace? posted by drjimmy11 at 9:38 AM on August 27
I think one of the good things about the internet is that it's basically mainstreamed masturbation. For most of the past 2000 years here in the West (and probably before) masturbation was considered to be a filthy, dirty act that one should be rightly ashamed and never speak of.
Nowadays, it's still filthy and dirty (if you're doing it right) but at least we all know that we're all doing it, and doing it regularly. I think the internet is to thank for that.
Thank you, internet. posted by Avenger at 9:42 AM on August 27
Hey man, how about an NSFW for a page that prominently features the word 'Asshole' and has a naked lady on it.
Not to derail, but if you can't figure out that a page whose subject is masturbation is likely to be NSFW, you have bigger problems. Common sense: you probably have some, so use it. posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:58 AM on August 27
Scalzi's is so much better than anything on the linked list. I'm not saying this as a Scalzi fanboy, either; I haven't read any of his crap. posted by Mister_A at 10:01 AM on August 27
Thank you, Scalz, thank you, thank you, thank you. I know it will sound very very wrong, but I was thinking of you when I decided to post this (and that's what makes it the Best of the Web).
But still,
Grading Your Hate Mail
Taking Your Laptop to a Coffee Shop
Calling in the Ghost Brigades
Winning an Old Man's War
Rough Guiding
Tale-ing Zoe
and non-Scalzi-related...
Doing a Dirty Limerick
Ripping Barbara Cartland's Bodice
Touch Typing
Exercising the Book-Signing Hand
Mastering the Art of French Cooking (finally a best seller!)
Raising high the roof beam (carpenters).
Putting Gulliver in his traveling box.
Shooting the seagull.
The short reign of Pippin.
The Wapshot chronicle.
Death Comes for the Archbishop.
(So Robert Frost has miles to go before he sleeps, eh? Wonder what his wife Elinor will make of a diminished thing?) posted by aws17576 at 10:07 AM on August 27
Addressing Congress! posted by PHINC at 10:11 AM on August 27
Polishing my copy
Hunting a first edition
Jarring the bell
Deflowering Algernon
Reading The Grapes of Wrath
Hunting for Red October
Rehearsing Cats
Turning the pimpernel scarlet
Doctoring Faustus
Retelling The King and I posted by notashroom at 10:12 AM on August 27
Posting on the blue posted by ob at 10:20 AM on August 27
Only slightly related, but anybody who doesn't think of Blogging as some kind of sexual euphemism should read this (although when you have an active comments section, it's less like masturbation and more like a gang bang). posted by wendell at 10:20 AM on August 27
Not to derail, but if you can't figure out that a page whose subject is masturbation is likely to be NSFW, you have bigger problems. Common sense: you probably have some, so use it.
Dude, come on. I'm happily reading about masturbation right now. That's a little different from something that the person two desks away might see and get pissed about. But thanks for being a jerk anyway. posted by lumpenprole at 10:21 AM on August 27
Fingersmith
The Man with the Golden Arm
The Strange Borders of Palace Crescent
Slouching Towards Kalamazoo
Illywhacker by Peter Carey posted by applemeat at 10:36 AM on August 27
Polishing the Bishop
Compiling the code
Minding your P's and Q's
Evacuating the Jeffries Tubes
Touching your Mahnkee
Making change
' (Your fortune for today: He who masturbate over cash register come into money)'
Getting in touch with an old friend
Summoning Aladdin
Mustering up the courage
Turning on the sprinkler
Let's get some female masturbation representation! Uh, in word form. I once came up with "shelunking." In the same conversation, someone else (a woman) dreamed up "fingering the suspect." Can I just say that hanging out with sketch comedians leads to great conversations? Later--and I don't know if it's telling or not that it was a gay man who formulated this--I was treated to "looking for change in the liver-lined pleasure purse." posted by Skot at 11:43 AM on August 27 [2 favorites]
Ha! Shelunking is pretty good. Careful though, it can be moist work. posted by Mister_A at 11:53 AM on August 27
Getting Stella's groove back
Breakfast in Tiffany
Depth of a salesman
The Art of Warmth
Associated Press
Touch typing
Captain Underpants
Reviving Ophelia
The Many Faces of Eve
Doing research
Deep background
Fleshing out your main character
Decreeing my pleasure dome
Gyre and gimble in the wabe posted by notashroom at 12:42 PM on August 27
Waxing the dolphin. posted by drhydro at 8:24 PM on August 27
My favorite, in honor of Joycelyn Elders: Firing the Surgeon General.
(I didn't make this up; all credit to Roy Zimmerman) posted by tzikeh at 8:25 PM on August 27
Quieting the western front
Apologizing to Socrates
Disturbing the sand worm posted by clorox at 10:55 PM on August 27
Contemplating Leviticus posted by clorox at 10:57 PM on August 27
A Handful of Dust (for us celibates in the crowd) posted by h00py at 4:57 AM on August 28 [1 favorite]
Rushing the limbaugh
razing guantanamo
Launching the surge
Impeaching the bush
Bailing out the banker
Capturing saddam
Cleaning the kalashnikov
Hiding in the cave
Punching the paparazzi posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:01 AM on August 28
Ugh I can't stop
Busting the ponzi
Getting in bed with big pharma
giving scooter the presidential pardon posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:18 AM on August 28
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posted by wendell at 3:16 AM on August 27