Stuff Christian Culture Likes
August 31, 2009 11:49 AM   Subscribe

Stuff Christian Culture Likes - A preacher's daughter marries another preacher's son and offers an insider's perspective about youth leaders, tips and hawks, sexual jewelry, hot wives, drama teams, video games, Jumbotrons, coffee, graphic design, typography and more.
posted by Blazecock Pileon (197 comments total) 48 users marked this as a favorite

 
Coldplay?!?!?!
posted by Artw at 11:53 AM on August 31, 2009


Um, don't non-Christian spouses post on Facebook about how "hot" their spouses are too? I don't think that the fundies have cornered the market on the term "hot."
posted by blucevalo at 11:55 AM on August 31, 2009


See also: Stuff Fundies Like.
posted by JDHarper at 11:55 AM on August 31, 2009


Wow. The ingrained sexism and male dominance of the purity ring rituals is really disturbing.

"The implication is that the father will "guard" his daughter's heart and emotions (and her virginity, by proxy) until she is married."

Yep, let's give fathers practical OWNERSHIP of their daughters until they get married and it is passed to their husbands. Just wow.
posted by Dysk at 11:56 AM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


the father will "guard" his daughter's heart and emotions (and her virginity, by proxy)

I once attended a very conservative Xian wedding ceremony where this was made explicit. As in, the minister said something like "Do you vouch that your daughter has remained a virgin?" and the father answered in the affirmative. I almost expected him to pull out a blood-free set of sheets or something.

Why yes, it was creepy as hell, thanks for asking.
posted by DU at 11:58 AM on August 31, 2009 [13 favorites]


Definitely not LOLXIANS. This is a pretty insightful blog.
posted by roll truck roll at 12:00 PM on August 31, 2009


This photo is hysterical.
posted by HumanComplex at 12:01 PM on August 31, 2009 [11 favorites]


I love this. Evangelical Christianity is the primary reason I left the South, and one of the only reasons I continue to stay away. I can attest to the validity of her observations because I see this same stuff posted on Facebook non-ironically by the people I grew up with.
posted by kimdog at 12:01 PM on August 31, 2009


Borderline LOLXTIANS but a lot of little, cutting observations.
posted by GuyZero at 12:02 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


It is of course worth pointing out that calling this "stuff Christian Culture likes" is a bit disingenuous. I don't know what the norms are in the US (and I suspect while this shite is common, it's far from the only form of Christianity practised), but I have certainly never come across anything even remotely similar to the attitudes and hypocrisy expressed in the links here in all the time I've spent in Churches in Denmark. And I've spent a lot of time in Churches in Denmark - my dad's a vicar.

DU: Xian...

Nobody is "eks"-ian, or cross-ian. It's Christ-ian. You know, named after that bloke from way back? I'm sure you can spare the time for the five extra characters - as a bonus, so well as using the correct terminology, you won't be offending me and potentially many others!
posted by Dysk at 12:03 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


As a preacher's kid, I gotta say that this is spot on and infinitely hilarious. I absolutely love it.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 12:05 PM on August 31, 2009


Nobody is "eks"-ian, or cross-ian. It's Christ-ian.

Using the Greek X (uppercase chi) as an abbreviation for the name of Christ is pretty standard. It's used commonly in the US to abbreviate Christmas (as Xmas).
posted by mr_roboto at 12:06 PM on August 31, 2009 [12 favorites]


Meh, angsty ramblings of someone from a subgroup speaking for a whole group.

Evangelical nutbags != a lot of people who have put lifetimes of real thought into their faith.

I personally do love that the Jonas brothers tout purity and then spray white foamy jizz all over the faces and breasts of the young girls below them. I LOVE it.
posted by TomMelee at 12:07 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Nobody is "eks"-ian, or cross-ian. It's Christ-ian. You know, named after that bloke from way back? I'm sure you can spare the time for the five extra characters - as a bonus, so well as using the correct terminology, you won't be offending me and potentially many others!

Oh lord.
posted by DU at 12:07 PM on August 31, 2009 [14 favorites]


I imagine there is or will be a huge collector's market for purity rings. I look forward to the day when I see a hipster walking down the street wearing several; the new ironic goodwill t-shirt.
posted by lekvar at 12:07 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


The new trend is Purity Cock Rings.
posted by qvantamon at 12:09 PM on August 31, 2009 [11 favorites]


you won't be offending me and potentially many others!

You know what really offends me? People who use their ignorance as a basis for being offended. I also can't abide zealots. I hate zealots - HATE THEM! DEATH TO ZEALOTS!
posted by GuyZero at 12:10 PM on August 31, 2009 [23 favorites]


I both fear and have contempt for these people in the extreme.

Hahahaha! *wipes tears from eyes* That is hilarious! You jokester!

I am not kidding.

Are you sure? What you said was really funny and hard to construe as anything but a joke.
posted by brain_drain at 12:10 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Merry Xmas, Brother Dysk! You're arguing with about four hundred years of English orthographical custom, and about a thousand years if you include Greek.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:10 PM on August 31, 2009 [6 favorites]


Christ, that purity ring crap is the stuff of nightmares.
posted by maxwelton at 12:12 PM on August 31, 2009


It is wrong to like papyrus.
posted by Mister_A at 12:13 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


That entry on youth leaders is right on target. And now I feel seriously nauseous just from looking at pictures of them.

I think this blog makes a great case for a new movement of private/personal/quiet worship. Or at least I can hope.
posted by naju at 12:13 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


I enjoyed the Jesus Fish post.
posted by marxchivist at 12:14 PM on August 31, 2009


"Xmas" is not the same as "Xian".
posted by Dysk at 12:14 PM on August 31, 2009


X, what an asshole.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:14 PM on August 31, 2009 [81 favorites]


Jesus X, Brother Dysk, give it a rest.
posted by Mister_A at 12:15 PM on August 31, 2009 [5 favorites]


For those who don't read Slacktivist, you really should, as many of his posts are frequently dotted with references and explanations of these aspects of evangelical culture.
posted by deanc at 12:15 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


w-gp: ZORT!
posted by Mister_A at 12:15 PM on August 31, 2009


I imagine there is or will be a huge collector's market for purity rings. I look forward to the day when I see a hipster walking down the street wearing several; the new ironic goodwill t-shirt.
posted by lekvar at 3:07 PM on August 31


I like to wear them around my neck on leather strap like a necklace of ears.
posted by Pastabagel at 12:15 PM on August 31, 2009 [43 favorites]


The merchandise is interesting. I suspect Christ Ian would approve.
posted by panboi at 12:15 PM on August 31, 2009


Has the meta blog "Stuff that (stuff that __ likes) likes" been started yet?
posted by jquinby at 12:16 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


I think, at least here on the Blue, that Xian is used to denote followers of Jesus who take the bible literally, and Xianist to denote the subset who believe in active aggression against all other belief sets.
posted by hippybear at 12:19 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


On the youth pastor:
You will be hard pressed to find a youth pastor who does not play guitar.
To be fair to evangelicals, those of us who went to Catholic school invariably had the chance to be taught by a young, acoustic-guitar-playing nun.
posted by deanc at 12:19 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


hippybear, that makes for a useful distinction, actually.
posted by Dysk at 12:19 PM on August 31, 2009


On a slightly more serious note, the author of the blog clearly spent some time immersed in this culture, and just as clearly has rejected the mega-church way. Interesting.
posted by Mister_A at 12:19 PM on August 31, 2009


Has the meta blog "Stuff that (stuff that __ likes) likes" been started yet?

Stuff that Metafilter likes = Metafilter. It's very meta.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:20 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


Oh lord.

Won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:20 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Christ, that purity ring crap is the stuff of nightmares.

It is terrifying.
posted by HumanComplex at 12:21 PM on August 31, 2009


My friends do Unicode, I must make amends
posted by wheelieman at 12:22 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


Thanks especially for this priceless little number, JDHarper's link,

Fundy: “Hello, we’re here from Saved, Sanctified, Separated, and Suit-Wearing Baptist Church and we just wanted to know if you go to church anywhere.”

Presbyterian: “Well, yes I’m an elder at Westminster Presbyterian Church.”

F: “That’s great! So if you were to die today, where would you spend eternity?”

P: “I’d be with God for eternity.”

F “Are you sure about that? Belief in the Pope doesn’t save you, you know.”

P: “Uh…we don’t…”

F: “And what’s more you can know for sure that you are saved without worrying about losing it.”

P: “Well, being a Calvinist…”

F: “Oh, you’re a Calvinist! Well that doesn’t save you either!”

P: “I never said…”

F: “Have you ever asked Jesus to come into your heart?”

P: “That phrase has some serious theological issues there that…”

F: “Theology won’t get you into heaven either, my friend! Have you ever walked an aisle to a good old-fashioned altar?”

P: “We don’t really do that….”



I'm also a big fan of, overheard on my very own doorstep between Resident and two well-dressed women:

WDW1: (smiling) Hi! I want to share a great book with you.

WDW2: (smiling)

WDW1: You may have heard of it--

Resident: No thanks I don't want to know anything about that. (closes door)

posted by JaiMahodara at 12:22 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


JaiMahodara, that first exchange rings so true with my experience of a lot of people. It always seems that those out to convert the world have the most tenuous of grasps (if that!) on theology.
posted by Dysk at 12:26 PM on August 31, 2009


9. Acting Happy...this blog is equal parts hilarious and disturbing
posted by sredefer at 12:26 PM on August 31, 2009


JaiMahodara: When they come to my door, I just tell them that I'm certain that their church doesn't want me as a member, and close the door. I let them try to figure out what I mean by that, and they can discuss the rainbow flag stickers on our cars with their pastor if they so choose.
posted by hippybear at 12:29 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Waiting to kiss until your wedding day.

I remember when I used to be like that. Horrifying.
posted by Avenger at 12:32 PM on August 31, 2009


Kierkegaard covered this ground, but good goddamn if he wasn't right. If you're serious about this shit then sell all of your possessions and go volunteer in a leper colony. Too much work? Too bad, so sad. Take it up with your savior, you pampered fuck.
posted by joe lisboa at 12:32 PM on August 31, 2009 [43 favorites]


I think, at least here on the Blue, that Xian is used to denote followers of Jesus who take the bible literally, and Xianist to denote the subset who believe in active aggression against all other belief sets.

Xian is an utterly commonplace, completely inoffensive abbreviation of "Christian." It is no more offensive than the abbreviation "RC" for Roman Catholic or "UK" for United Kingdom. No reasonable, knowledgeable person would ever take offense to its use under any circumstances.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:39 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


I'm also trying to figure out the kind of guy who would court a lovely young lady for 4+ years without anything more physical than hand-holding. I was an Evangelical teen and I could have been like that, but then again, I turned out to be gay.
posted by Avenger at 12:40 PM on August 31, 2009 [14 favorites]


Resident: No thanks I don't want to know anything about that. (closes door)

Ha! (that indeed was me - yesterday, in fact).

Ok, so this blog is really quite hilarious, and I like mocking the evangels as much as the next guy, but there's also a lot of undue nastiness here...

I was raised an evangelical - indeed I came of age during the rise of the Megachurch and saw my own church go from hymn to praise band, pulpit to big screens and headset microphones. But most evangelical christians are not the gun-toting, tongues-speaking, Obama-hating crazies they often and unfortunately are portrayed as. In fact, this attitude is not so different than the prejudiced way in which a lot of the fundamentals think of the Islamic faith as being one comprised of violent, anti-American militants.

I don't agree with the evangelicals either, but posting this just so everyone can point fingers and laugh at Christians is in pretty bad taste.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:41 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


As a liberal Catholic student at a conservative Catholic university, this blog just reminds me how much our campus ministry has stolen from fundie Christianity without shuttering at the whole fear of Catholics angle there for most fundies. I shutter to think of a two thousand year institution shucking its intellectual tradition among Americans under 30.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 12:43 PM on August 31, 2009


I don't agree with the evangelicals either, but posting this just so everyone can point fingers and laugh at Christians is in pretty bad taste.

I was going to ask where you got your persecution complex, but I suppose that's self-explanatory.
posted by joe lisboa at 12:43 PM on August 31, 2009 [7 favorites]


No reasonable, knowledgeable person would ever take offense to its use under any circumstances.

Therein lies the problem. There are people I know who use the abbreviation "Xmas" as evidence that there is a "war on Christmas" and warning us that we need to "keep the Christ in Christmas."
posted by JDHarper at 12:44 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


It is the hallmark of Christian culture: Doing Things and Avoiding True Relationship.

RFT. Christian culture is appallingly un-Christian.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 12:45 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


Slightly less snarkily, my friend: I get it. Not all Christians are megachurch zombies. We get it. We've been over this ground, well, every time a thread like this pops up. It's been played to death and the distinction is there for anyone with, uh, ears to hear or eyes to read. This "culture" is evidence of all sorts of nastiness and vapidity and we ignore it at our own peril.
posted by joe lisboa at 12:46 PM on August 31, 2009


Seriously, Brother Dysk, X has stood in for "Christ" since practically the beginning of that religion. What's your damn problem?
posted by grubi at 12:49 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Weirdly, a lot of this stuff could be applied to my childhood, and I was raised a Scientologist.
posted by Diagonalize at 12:49 PM on August 31, 2009


"Xian" or "Xtian" was routinely used by Jesuitical, papist, conniving Jesuits at my Jesuit high school, on the blackboard. Which, for an the sort of Xtian being discussed, is probably Q.E.D.
posted by everichon at 12:50 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


The cigar is a nice touch.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:51 PM on August 31, 2009


I like a articles today, apparently.
posted by everichon at 12:51 PM on August 31, 2009


Good find. Thanks!
posted by salishsea at 12:51 PM on August 31, 2009


Metafilter: No reasonable, knowledgeable person would ever take offense to its use under any circumstances.
posted by gurple at 12:52 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


I honestly had no idea until I read this blog what a huge impact the Rapture is going to have on the puka shell necklace industry.
posted by The Straightener at 12:53 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


What's your damn problem?

He's just pissed that I invoked Kierkegaard's criticism of "convenient Christianity" in Denmark. Kidding! More seriously: the "X" factor has been discussed on the blue before. It's nowhere near the "lie-beral" or "rethuglican" monikers in terms of incivility. If anything, hostility to "Xian" or "Xianity" or "Xmas" here in the States is (as others have noted) a proxy for the waiting-to-be-offended culture warrior. Avoid.
posted by joe lisboa at 12:54 PM on August 31, 2009


Slightly less snarkily, my friend: I get it. Not all Christians are megachurch zombies. We get it. We've been over this ground, well, every time a thread like this pops up. It's been played to death and the distinction is there for anyone with, uh, ears to hear or eyes to read. This "culture" is evidence of all sorts of nastiness and vapidity and we ignore it at our own peril.

True enough, and I got a kick our of your snark (being self-deprecating about my christian past and the myriad complexes its given me is the only way i survived it). I know my point has already been beaten to death many times before on the blue, but I felt it was worth noting.

And like I said, the blog is both funny and true - but I don't think it calls for all the hate.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:56 PM on August 31, 2009


Jesus X, Brother Dysk, give it a rest.

"Jesus X" would be the best action movie of all time. I'm picturing it as Jesus being reborn as a contender in a futuristic death-race, but I invite you all to let your imaginations run with that phrase whereever they shall.
posted by heathkit at 12:56 PM on August 31, 2009 [14 favorites]


Overall, this doesn't seem so hateful - the blog nor the comments here.
posted by Mister_A at 12:58 PM on August 31, 2009


We get it. We've been over this ground, well, every time a thread like this pops up. It's been played to death and the distinction is there for anyone with, uh, ears to hear or eyes to read.

You could say that about pretty much any of the thousands of comments that populate MeFi's Religion: Good or Evil? posts. We have all danced this dance before, and we will dance it again [until we are dead / for all eternity].
posted by brain_drain at 1:00 PM on August 31, 2009


We have all danced this dance before, and we will dance it again

So say we all!
posted by jquinby at 1:03 PM on August 31, 2009 [8 favorites]


I wonder if it's intentional irony that this blog is a pale, watered-down Christian-themed re-tread of a genuine pop-culture phenomenon.
posted by palliser at 1:03 PM on August 31, 2009 [16 favorites]


heathkit: ""Jesus X" would be the best action movie of all time. "

I'm envisioning the mean summbitch Ed Norton played at the beginning of American History X crossed with the Punisher. You know, kinda like this.
posted by notsnot at 1:04 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Religion: Good or Evil?

That's how you read the subject of this post? Interesting. I read it as two former evangelical fundamentalists intimate with said sect's clumsy overtures at popular "culture" decided to document it in the form of a now-popular internet meme involving "Stuff X-people Like." I just hope we're able (some day) to separate "This clumsy attempt at profiting from people's hopes and fears sucks" from "(Your) Religion sucks." But ya know, different yokes for different folks, all that.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:04 PM on August 31, 2009


"Jesus X" would be the best action movie of all time.

Jesus X: The Savening.
posted by odinsdream at 1:05 PM on August 31, 2009 [17 favorites]


"Jesus X" would be the best action movie of all time.

Best scene: Jesus beating two topless hippie girls to death in their sleeping bags.
posted by Skot at 1:08 PM on August 31, 2009 [16 favorites]


I mean, the X is actually a transliteration of the "chi" in ΙΧΘΥΣ, which of course are the initials in the greek phrase "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior", which was nailed (in Latin, I assume) to the cross above Jesus' head during his crucifixion. It's also cleverly a word meaning "fish", which of course weaves back into the "fishers of men" thing that his followers took on when he asked them to walk away from their vocations as fishers of fishes.

It's likely a substitution that has been going on for longer than European civilization.
posted by hippybear at 1:09 PM on August 31, 2009 [5 favorites]


hippybear, thanks, I always figured it was just that the X looked like a cross. Ya learn something every day!
posted by Mister_A at 1:13 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


...is it too late to admit I was horribly off-base and thank you all for putting me straight?
posted by Dysk at 1:14 PM on August 31, 2009 [30 favorites]


This has caused me to reappraise my opinion of the free newspaper L.A. XPress.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:15 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


I, for one, have never in my life put anybody straight, darling.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:16 PM on August 31, 2009 [5 favorites]


No, seems like you just did. Have some unicode, Brother Dysk! ☮
posted by Mister_A at 1:16 PM on August 31, 2009


Astro Zombie: oh, you need to move to a more rural part of the country. There are at least three men that I can think of who were confirmed bachelors until they started up a friendship with me which started to imply "other things". All three of them ended up getting married and settling down within 6 months of the first pass I made at them. (Hey! What do I know? Hot "good ol' boy" type, still single over the age of 30, who really really likes hanging around with me, an out gay man? I mean, it's not my fault if I draw the wrong conclusion!)
posted by hippybear at 1:19 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


HEY WATCH IT WITH THE UNICODE THAT STUFF WILL POKE YR EYES OUT
posted by grubi at 1:20 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


...is it too late to admit I was horribly off-base and thank you all for putting me straight?
posted by Brother Dysk at 4:14 PM on August 31 [+] [!]


Never too late on MetaFilter, BD. You're very welcome.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:22 PM on August 31, 2009


Actually, I'm totally straight. I just can never resist jokes like that. I blame a youth of being constantly exposed to gay culture.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:23 PM on August 31, 2009


gay culture.

Overpriced organic yogurt?
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:24 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


He's talking about the crack-smoking-bareback-bug-chasing-snuff-film-orgies.

Man, those were a blast.
posted by Avenger at 1:25 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


Honey, open the closet door just a little bit. The light outside won't hurt you. :)
posted by hippybear at 1:26 PM on August 31, 2009


(But all that long history aside, I use the Xian and Xianist terms as I described earlier in this thread. Anyone who follows Jesus and lives a life of kindness and love won't see me refer to them with either of those.)
posted by hippybear at 1:28 PM on August 31, 2009


I've tried to come out of the closet. Even to this day, I sleep with men, but just to remind myself of how much I dislike it.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:29 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


So wait ... you mean all that time I spent playing X-Com ...
posted by jbickers at 1:31 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


That's right. And the X-Files too.

What they didn't say in the Bible about the Second Coming of Jesus was that it would be in a flying saucer.
posted by GuyZero at 1:33 PM on August 31, 2009


And all of those XXX movies? The mind boggles.
posted by jbickers at 1:34 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


Well, Ezekial saw two wheel a-rolling way in the middle of the air. A wheel within a wheel a-rolling way in the middle of the air.

And then, if I remember my scriptures correctling, the Martians made him eat a scroll.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:34 PM on August 31, 2009


And all of those XXX movies? The mind boggles.

"This film is rated X".
posted by Dysk at 1:35 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Correctling? It's just SHORTHAND GREEK!
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:35 PM on August 31, 2009


hippybear: "I mean, the X is actually a transliteration of the "chi" in ΙΧΘΥΣ, which of course are the initials in the greek phrase "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior", which was nailed (in Latin, I assume) to the cross above Jesus' head during his crucifixion. It's also cleverly a word meaning "fish", which of course weaves back into the "fishers of men" thing that his followers took on when he asked them to walk away from their vocations as fishers of fishes."

Nitpick: the phrase on the cross was INRI ("Jesus Nazarenus, Rex Judaeorum"), ΙΧΘΥΣ is Greek for "fish", so the symbol of a fish was used by early Christians as sort of a secret sign (the origin of the "Jesus fish" bumper stickers).
posted by PontifexPrimus at 1:36 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


Rated CHRIST, thank you very much!
posted by grubi at 1:38 PM on August 31, 2009


And all of those XXX movies? The mind boggles.

To be fair, "CHRIST CHRIST CHRIST" does sound like dialogue from a porn.
posted by naju at 1:39 PM on August 31, 2009 [9 favorites]


Ah, you are correct. I forgot to actually look up the tales of his death. It was "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews" which was put at the top of the cross. I stand corrected, as does this thread.
posted by hippybear at 1:39 PM on August 31, 2009


Actually I believe the name of the film is "xXx." Which means "christ CHRIST christ." Which is the sound a man makes when receiving a prostate exam. Which is what watching xXx feels like.

Such is the circle of life.
posted by hifiparasol at 1:44 PM on August 31, 2009 [16 favorites]


You know, I read somewhere that kids who do the abstinence pledges are more likely to engage in oral and anal sex. Take that as you may.

I really want to go to an abstinence rally to see what it's like.
posted by reenum at 1:46 PM on August 31, 2009


hifiparasol FΘW.
posted by grubi at 1:47 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


The new trend is Purity Cock Rings.

For the girls, it's clit piercings.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:48 PM on August 31, 2009


Let's Put the Christ in Sex.
posted by box at 1:55 PM on August 31, 2009


The story of the proselytizing Baptists made me think back to the last time the Witnesses came around. Since I'd been too happy stoned to send them away last time ("You've got a book? Sure, I'll look at your book, dude! I like books!") this last time, I just hid and didn't answer the door. I could hear them going to talk to my California Asian next door neighbor, Wayne, who busted out saying, "Ah so, no, me no speakee Engrish," and I had to choke back laughter so they wouldn't know I was listening through the door.
posted by klangklangston at 1:56 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


I really want to go to an abstinence rally to see what it's like.

I think it's about 11pm at the after-party which really gets interesting.
posted by hippybear at 1:58 PM on August 31, 2009


box: Let's Put the Christ in Sex.

Not to pick on you personally, but it's getting to the point where every other YouTube link "isn't avaliable in [my] country due to copyright restrictions", and it's really annoying. I know there's not much you can do, really, but could somebody tell me what I'm missing out on, at least?
posted by Dysk at 2:04 PM on August 31, 2009


A painfully 80's music video by Paul Stanley of KISS for "Let's put the X in Sex".
posted by GuyZero at 2:05 PM on August 31, 2009


Oh, this blog is a walk down memory lane. My youth! Love it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:07 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


A painfully 80's music video by Paul Stanley of KISS for "Let's put the X in Sex".

Ah. "Missing out" may have been the wrong term...
posted by Dysk at 2:08 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Blazecock, thanks for wasting my entire afternoon.

And making me sad, because my two grown nephews? Youth ministers. I don't know if they wear puka shell necklaces, but they are so sweet and wholesome and on fire for the Lord that they make my teeth ache. I believe they also play guitars, lead youth camps, and love their hot wives. It's sad to see what the youth of today have come to...I mean, my brothers at least got drunk and got regrettable tattoos when they were young.
posted by emjaybee at 2:13 PM on August 31, 2009


I'm waiting for "Stuff Taliban Likes"
posted by zaelic at 2:19 PM on August 31, 2009


Short list.
posted by Artw at 2:29 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Beards!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:40 PM on August 31, 2009 [8 favorites]


crate-loads of AKs.
posted by Fraxas at 2:41 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'm a bit bemused by the entry on Astroglide. The entry says that women give it to brides-to-be at their bridal shower, telling them that no married woman should be without it, but I can't for the life of me figure out why?

Is it because Christian men don't do foreplay? (Pre-coital cunnilingus is the work of Satan and there'll be none of it in this house?) Or because Christian women only fuck to procreate, so if it's the wrong time of the month, you're going to be needing some lube for the hand-job that's all he'll be getting?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:41 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


> The chances that vestal sexytimes will be mentioned during the wedding ceremony are pretty high among Baptists and non-denominational evangelicals.

Well, that answers a question I had. A few weeks ago my wife and I attended a very Christian wedding. Well, the ceremony was very Christian. The reception, on the other hand, was chock full of jokes (by the MC) about how that evening was "the big night" and all of the guests had to help the bride and groom get "in the mood." I felt this was a bit odd, given the rather sombre nature of the ceremony, but not as odd as when the groom was seated in a chair after dinner and asked questions about his new wife by "Madame X" (i.e. his new wife, who had changed into a (very) sexy schoolmarm-style outfit). Whenever he got the questions wrong, she pretended to handcuff him to the chair and started "whipping" him with her pointer. At that point I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd given him a lapdance. All in all, there were more off-colour jokes and sexy goings-on at this wedding than there were at all of my heathen friends' nuptials combined.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:44 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


3. Outrage.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:47 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


4. Opium
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:51 PM on August 31, 2009


5. Squidgy black.
posted by Dysk at 2:52 PM on August 31, 2009


I'm a bit bemused by the entry on Astroglide. The entry says that women give it to brides-to-be at their bridal shower, telling them that no married woman should be without it, but I can't for the life of me figure out why?

How is this a mystery? Sex is more comfortable with lube. Once you're married you're "permitted" to have sex. So when you get married, you are given lube.
posted by ODiV at 3:01 PM on August 31, 2009


6. Decapitations
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:01 PM on August 31, 2009


6. Not giant Buddhas.
posted by box at 3:02 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sex is more comfortable with lube.

Anal sex, sure. I've never heard of anyone below the age of about 60 using it for regular vaginal sex.

Maybe it's got something to do with circumcised vs uncircumcised men though?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:06 PM on August 31, 2009


"Jesus X" would be the best action movie of all time.

Sure, but everyone is going to pronounce it wrong. It's "Jesus Ten", people.
posted by quin at 3:08 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


My favorite part of Jesus X was the teenage hustling years, when he was known as Galilee Red.
posted by box at 3:21 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


Anal sex, sure. I've never heard of anyone below the age of about 60 using it for regular vaginal sex.

You've never read a single "help my partner and I have better sex" thread in AskMe, then?
posted by scody at 3:27 PM on August 31, 2009 [12 favorites]


It's "Jesus Ten", people.

Who ruined the first nine?
posted by hippybear at 3:30 PM on August 31, 2009


Sure, but everyone is going to pronounce it wrong. It's "Jesus Ten", people.

Wolverine!
posted by Artw at 3:36 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


I enjoyed the Jesus Fish post.

Why are the other fish chasing Jesus? And why is there more than one Jesus fish?

The marriage equation looks like it's been modified. Maybe marriage was != to a man and a woman and they changed it.

A bit of a problem with "Thou shalt not steal."
posted by kirkaracha at 3:44 PM on August 31, 2009


The entry says that women give it to brides-to-be at their bridal shower, telling them that no married woman should be without it, but I can't for the life of me figure out why?

It's spy business, very hush-hush.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:44 PM on August 31, 2009


Here in Arkansas, it seems like a lot of people use the multiple Jesus fish to represent their families--I've seen a lot of SUV tailgates with two big fish and three or four (or more) little ones.
posted by box at 3:54 PM on August 31, 2009


(Many of these vehicles also have those family stickers, which make the leap of logic a little easier.)
posted by box at 3:57 PM on August 31, 2009


Wow - as a born and bred Massachusettser I had no idea what they were doing in all those flyover states. I especially liked the non-ironic quasi-threatening comment in one of the posts:


It's all fun and games until someone goes to hell because of your actions.

posted by fermezporte at 4:07 PM on August 31, 2009 [12 favorites]


Well there's a MeFi byline and a half.
posted by Artw at 4:21 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yuletide season.
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 4:24 PM on August 31, 2009


The implication is that the father will "guard" his daughter's heart and emotions (and her virginity, by proxy) until she is married. The scientific, nonreligious community might be hard pressed to find anything wrong with this. (But who knows.)

I certainly find something wrong with this. Why should a father be so interested in an intact hyman, anyway? Do "damaged goods" still mean a lower bride price? The average age of marriage for young women in America has risen to 25-- does an intact hyman necessarily mean a 22 year old's heart is undamaged? Does a broken hyman necessarily mean she is unhappy? Plus, if you have to stay a virgin until your wedding night what does that mean for the gays and lesbians living in states that don't allow them to marry? What if you are wearing a purity ring but you get raped, are you "broken" or just "soiled"?

The real problem I have with purity rings is that they are an outward manifestation of something that should remain private. Some of these girls who go to the purity balls are 12 or younger (as young as 8) so it is very understandable if they reconsider having sex at 17 or 18 but how can they tell their parents that they have changed their mind? I am pretty confident that there have been many girls wearing a purity ring who have lost their virginity but haven't dared remove it for fear of too many questions. Thank goodness we no longer require examinations or bloody bedsheets.

By the way, this book (which I highly recommend) claims that purity balls are paid for with federal funds. The government is giving away millions so that middle class white girls can get dressed up and go dancing with daddy.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:27 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


I saw the "Marriage = male stick figure + female stick figure" bumper sticker next to a Jesus fish many more times than I thought possible when I still lived in the far reaches of the East Bay. It was always nice to be reminded where I stood as an apostate male stick figure.
posted by blucevalo at 4:36 PM on August 31, 2009


I think when it comes to Purity Rings, you're pretty much preaching to the choir here. Unless there's a pro-Purity Ring Mefite who hasn't piped up yet. Also:

8. Cricket.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:44 PM on August 31, 2009


Astroglide? Seriously? Astroglide?

I have a big problem with the "you're not turned on enough it if it's better with lube" business, but yuck, glycerin-based stuff.

The frosted tips one amused me because in general, I have never seen a group of guys who looked more stereotypically gay than the university group at the church near my home. Isn't vanity supposed to be a sin?
posted by larkspur at 4:51 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm a bit bemused by the entry on Astroglide. The entry says that women give it to brides-to-be at their bridal shower, telling them that no married woman should be without it, but I can't for the life of me figure out why?

Because if you're making up for lost time on the honeymoon, you need it.


This blog simultaneously cracks me up, dismays me, and makes me very glad I managed to raise a son who is a big fan of Kierkegaard.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:53 PM on August 31, 2009 [4 favorites]


Because if you're making up for lost time on the honeymoon, you need it.

Might want to give the bride some antibiotics for that follow-on bladder infection too.
posted by GuyZero at 4:58 PM on August 31, 2009


This is pretty fascinating stuff to this mid-atlantic UU. I've run into bits and pieces of Christian culture here in PA but mostly it's old line Methodist or Presbyterian here. Definitely a peak into a spock-with-a-goatee mirror world.
posted by octothorpe at 5:00 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


I saw the "Marriage = male stick figure + female stick figure" bumper sticker next to a Jesus fish many more times than I thought possible when I still lived in the far reaches of the East Bay. It was always nice to be reminded where I stood as an apostate male stick figure.

One of my favorite bits of irony was on Gonzaga University campus. (Granted, it's a Jesuit university...) Many of the buildings have this odd sign on the door, sort of a pink triangle, blue square, green circle, all overlapping (I could be getting shapes and colors wrong there) with a "Safe And Affirming Space" sort of caption under it. The idea is that the building is supposed to be a place where you can feel safe to express your sexual preference, or whatever.

One of the professors had an oversize (larger than a normal bumper sticker) "marriage = one man + one woman" sticker on his office.

I always wondered why they didn't make him move his office to another building. I was only a delivery man, and I felt oppressed just walking past his door.
posted by hippybear at 5:12 PM on August 31, 2009


Former homeschooled foreign missionary kid, here. Back in the day, during the marathon "Speaking in Tongues" portion of the service, my friends and I would sneakily yell English phrases that sounded exactly like the gibberish our parents were spouting. (I've since learned that a lot of kids did this, and each group has their own phrases.)

Here's a tutorial in Speaking in Tongues:

(Make sure you roll your R's.)

1.) Here she comes on a Hyundai.

2.) Re-tie my bowtie.

All together now: hereshecomesonahyundairetiemybowtie.

As proof, here's the real thing. (Warning: super creepy.)
posted by functionequalsform at 5:12 PM on August 31, 2009 [6 favorites]


Oh man this took me back. I remember my Christian babysitter's shock when Amy Grant sold out and went mainstream. Not to mention all the high school God-rockers, prayers at the pole before school and church lock-ins in my hometown. This blog is dead on.
posted by Marnie at 5:30 PM on August 31, 2009


You know, I read somewhere that kids who do the abstinence pledges are more likely to engage in oral and anal sex. Take that as you may.

THEY certainly seem to, anyway.

Why should a father be so interested in an intact hymen, anyway?

In a purely physical sense, a daughter's virginity at marriage serves the key function of helping to ensure that any offspring she has are, indeed, the progeny of her legal husband. Anthropologically, this has relevance to the child having uncontested birth rights (e.g., inheritance, etc.).

However, there are much broader social implications of a daughter's virginity in conservative cultures. For example, it serves as a proxy for the "honor" of the family from which she comes. A family that has been able to preserve their daughter's virginity (via close watch by other members of the family) are ostensibly a traditional, reliable family who respect the social norms and can be expected to bring that cachet to the marital relationship.

There are, of course, purely psychological reasons why a husband would want a virgin, and therefore why a father would want to "provide" one to a prospective husband, too. Especially when there are relationship entanglements and financial opportunities involved in the ensuing union.

I once attended a wedding in a very traditional tribal culture in Africa. I was completely taken aback by how big an issue of the virginity and consummation was. The bride's father peered at the nuptial couple through a special hole in the marital chamber and, at opportune moments, alerted the gathered crowd with announcements of the proceedings inside. At one point, this included an exhortation to cheer and shout to encourage the husband as he was about to consummate the relationship. The bride's father announced when the couple had copulated, to much cheers, and then went into the chamber afterward to retrieve and display with a proud smile the bloodied sheets to the throng.

It was quite an experience.
posted by darkstar at 5:31 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Back in the day, during the marathon "Speaking in Tongues" portion of the service, my friends and I would sneakily yell English phrases that sounded exactly like the gibberish our parents were spouting. (I've since learned that a lot of kids did this, and each group has their own phrases.)

Aw. Back in first grade when we had to start the day reciting in unison the Pledge of Allegiance and the Lord's Prayer, sometimes I'd do mine in a fake Irish brogue. Sister Mary Stephens nearly caught me once, though, and that did for me....she never did get the memo about how in our enlightened era we weren't to whack kid's knuckles with a ruler any more...
posted by Diablevert at 5:43 PM on August 31, 2009


darkstar, the question was "why should a father be so interested in an intact hymen, anyway?" not "why might a father be so interested in an intact hymen, anyway?"

To me, the answer to the former is clearly that he shouldn't. At all.
posted by Dysk at 5:44 PM on August 31, 2009


I see "Jesus X" more as an operating system. It'd be really slick looking but constantly demanding money and only work if you stick to the One True Way oh wait...
posted by DU at 5:59 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


Dysk, while the question surely was worded "should be interested", the follow on text makes it clear that the pragmatics of the question was an attempt to elucidate the practical ramifications of why one "might be" interested.

I.e., it seemed evidently a pragmatic, rather than moral, question. Hence my response in reference to other conservative cultures. But I take your point, too.
posted by darkstar at 6:05 PM on August 31, 2009


THE DJEMBE. YES. I will award one billion dollars to the person who creates a virus that destroys all djembes.
posted by greenland at 6:06 PM on August 31, 2009


People speaking in tongues all sound like Bib Fortuna to me.
posted by EatTheWeak at 6:48 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


People speaking in tongues all sound like Bib Fortuna to me.

Which is why the Bible teaches clearly that you don't do it out loud around other folks that might not understand. Seriously.

(The Bible is a very practical book, even when it comes to those sorts of things.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:06 PM on August 31, 2009


What practical advice does it give for doing the other parts of Jesus' final instructions to the apostles, such as handling snakes and drinking deadly poisons?
posted by Flunkie at 7:13 PM on August 31, 2009


Before this turns into a slapfight, let me just register my appreciation of the Bib Fortuna reference. It's hard to do a good Star Wars reference these days, but Bib Fortuna... That's a good one.
posted by mr_roboto at 7:15 PM on August 31, 2009 [5 favorites]


Is it because Christian men don't do foreplay? (Pre-coital cunnilingus is the work of Satan and there'll be none of it in this house?) Or because Christian women only fuck to procreate, so if it's the wrong time of the month, you're going to be needing some lube for the hand-job that's all he'll be getting?

Take two (ostensibly) virgin kids, put treeemendous pressure on them to have the Best Sex Ever right after an exhausting all-day social event---it's probably a necessary help. You can't just flip that switch from Oh Noes No Sexiness to Hot Hot Gettin' it On, especially if you're a girl whose dad dragged you to chastity balls and you only have the vaguest of ideas about your own equipment.

Also, this culture (which is only slightly more extreme than the one I was raised in) suffers from a tremendous amount of repression; you aren't even supposed to masturbate or have impure thoughts before marrige. To some, you shouldn't even kiss before marriage. None of which is conducive to a Good First Time.

What's telling is that's it's a gift to the bride from the other women--can't expect a dude to think of such things as the woman's comfort.
posted by emjaybee at 7:40 PM on August 31, 2009


Pre-coital cunnilingus is the work of Satan

Woohoo!

:: puts on his bib for tuna ::
posted by fleetmouse at 7:58 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


Um, don't non-Christian spouses post on Facebook about how "hot" their spouses are too? I don't think that the fundies have cornered the market on the term "hot."
posted by blucevalo at 11:55 AM on August 31


A little late to this party, but no - the vast majority of people talking about their HOTTT significant other are either in their late teens to early twenties and thus dumb as rocks and oblivious to how no one cares, or they are gross fat married Christian evangelicals and thus dumb as rocks and oblivious to how no one cares.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:59 PM on August 31, 2009


Interesting how the assumption here is Christians can't possibly have good sex lives.

You'd be wrong.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:01 PM on August 31, 2009


eeeeeeeee nooooooo don't want to think about it
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:14 PM on August 31, 2009 [3 favorites]


"(The Bible is a very practical book, even when it comes to those sorts of things.)"

Oh man I know what you mean I remember when my brother died and I was like well, the Bible says, so I guess I gotta marry his wife now and then this other time I had this slave that I gave a wife but when he was free he didn't want me to own his wife and children anymore so I looked it up in the Bible and it turns out all you have to do is pierce his ears with an awl.

Get er done
posted by klangklangston at 8:15 PM on August 31, 2009 [19 favorites]


There are at least three men that I can think of who were confirmed bachelors until they started up a friendship with me which started to imply "other things". All three of them ended up getting married and settling down within 6 months of the first pass I made at them. (Hey! What do I know? Hot "good ol' boy" type, still single over the age of 30, who really really likes hanging around with me, an out gay man? I mean, it's not my fault if I draw the wrong conclusion!)

Um, I thought teh gays were destroying traditional marriage? Did you not get the memo?

Re: lube and other lewd goings on. Yeah, it's always been kind of strange to me that I'm the only one giving bibles as gifts at showers and weddings, being raised a good atheist and all.
posted by lysdexic at 8:16 PM on August 31, 2009


Interesting how the assumption here is Christians can't possibly have good sex lives.


No, just that they're frightened into compliance rather than taught to think and be at ease with their bodies. It makes for a huge hurdle to sexual enjoyment when the time finally does come.

There's a lot of good in waiting: you want to be sure, you don't want to catch anything, you don't want the extra complexity it gives a relationship if it's not stable. If these were the reasons given, instead of COMPLY OR DIE, I think everyone would be better off.
posted by lysdexic at 8:22 PM on August 31, 2009


I can't speak for anyone else, but my assumptions are more about a patriarchal culture of homophobia, female subjugation and willful ignorance about basic aspects of sexual behavior. And less about the, y'know, fucking.
posted by box at 8:22 PM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wait, his name was Malcolm Christ? I thought he was a Muslim.
posted by rifflesby at 8:25 PM on August 31, 2009 [2 favorites]


Interesting how the assumption here is Christians can't possibly have good sex lives.

You'd be wrong.



Actually, I don't think anyone made that argument. In fact, I know a lot of single Christian boys and girls who have had incredibly rich sex lives. All part of the complexity of humans seldom being perfect adherents to whatever worldview they espouse is the One True Way.

Rather, as was mentioned above, the point was being made about virgins being relatively inexperienced at sex, which really seems to be an essentially axiomatic observation.
posted by darkstar at 8:38 PM on August 31, 2009


Ha! My church has wireless internet access in an upstairs room called the Parking Lot.

I can't decide if it's ahead or behind the curb.
posted by lysdexic at 9:13 PM on August 31, 2009


Interesting how the assumption here is Christians can't possibly have good sex lives.

You'd be wrong.


Nobody here has said that, or even come close to saying that.

In fact, I know alot of gay Christians who have fantastic, fulfilling sex lives.
posted by Avenger at 9:16 PM on August 31, 2009


"In fact, I know alot of gay Christians who have fantastic, fulfilling sex lives."

But enough about Ted Haggard.
posted by klangklangston at 9:29 PM on August 31, 2009 [9 favorites]


It would be kind of a stretch to stay Ted Haggard is fulfilled. All that OH NOES I AM IN TEH CLOSETZ ABLOOO ABLOOO
posted by Avenger at 9:34 PM on August 31, 2009


And here I thought the astroglide was for pegging.

Color me disappointed. And I'm going to have to return that harness I bought as a present.
posted by Hactar at 3:29 AM on September 1, 2009


Interesting how the assumption here is Christians can't possibly have good sex lives.

Interesting how the assumption here is that atheists can't taste chicken.
posted by dirigibleman at 4:37 AM on September 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


Darkstar, I am certainly aware of the historical ramifications of an intact hymen hence my allusion to a lowered bride price for damaged goods. It was even rumored that Diana Spencer's hymen was examined by law before her marriage to Prince Charles to ensure that any offspring would be of royal blood (although it didn't guard against the possibility of infidelity after marriage, did it?) My question is why, in this day and age, in this country, would a father be so concerned about his daughter's intactness. The marraige bed is no longer a public event because we have agreed that sex (outside of the porn industry) is a private matter. The fact that there is so much public discussion of the daughter's sex life is what is off putting to me, it would be like atheists going to grandma's house for dinner and announcing, "Well Cindy still hasn't slept with a boy yet, but she is thinking of letting Bobby get in there." Eeewww. We don't need to know. It is Cindy's private matter.

In addition this whole equating intact hymen to purity means what exactly after the wedding? That she is sullied? Defiled? She is certainly no longer pure and virginal. Also, there is so much more to girls than their sex life but in the Christian definition Purity only means one thing. A girl is either intact or not and whether she is a liar, lazy, illiterate, or selfish does not enter the equation.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:57 AM on September 1, 2009


I've read all the posts on this very-well done blog. I cracked up a number of times, and blanched with horror a number of other times. Some of the descriptions are familiar to me; I remember those aspects of Christian culture from growing up in it during the eighties, or I see the manifestations in my family now. Others I have no familiarity with. My sister-in-law and her daughters may wear Capris and scrapbook and take part in praise teams, but they have no truck with purity balls, thank whatever powers may be.
posted by orange swan at 6:08 AM on September 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


I got some Purity Balls for ya!
posted by grubi at 7:00 AM on September 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


Anal sex, sure. I've never heard of anyone below the age of about 60 using it for regular vaginal sex.

While it varies somewhat depending on the participants, it's generally true that after an hour or two of intercourse, additional lubrication becomes quite helpful, even necessary.

If your sex acts only last ten minutes, of course, less so.
posted by rokusan at 7:02 AM on September 1, 2009


Interesting how the assumption here is Christians can't possibly have good sex lives.

In my own experience with Christian sex partners, they're not very good at it.

But maybe I need to increase the study size. E-mail address is in my profile. My photo is accurate.
posted by rokusan at 7:04 AM on September 1, 2009 [3 favorites]


My church has... an upstairs room called the Parking Lot.
I can't decide if it's ahead or behind the curb.


Freudian typo? Is your church some sort of gathering of skinheads?
posted by rokusan at 8:18 AM on September 1, 2009


Xian is an utterly commonplace, completely inoffensive abbreviation of "Christian." It is no more offensive than the abbreviation "RC" for Roman Catholic or "UK" for United Kingdom. No reasonable, knowledgeable person would ever take offense to its use under any circumstances.

You say that, but we were severely told off at school for doing so. We also had to do an assembly called 'Don't Take The Christ out of Christmas'.

These days I try and celebrate Christmas as commercially as possible. I call this atonement.
posted by mippy at 8:34 AM on September 1, 2009


Plus, if you have to stay a virgin until your wedding night what does that mean for the gays and lesbians living in states that don't allow them to marry?

Lesbians? No age of consent. And gays are just going through a phase. They'll come round to God's way in time.
posted by mippy at 8:38 AM on September 1, 2009


While it varies somewhat depending on the participants, it's generally true that after an hour or two of intercourse, additional lubrication becomes quite helpful, even necessary.

If your sex acts only last ten minutes, of course, less so.


QFT. Also, if your sexual experience is limited to what you've seen in TV and movies, it's probably going to take you a while to sort out how much and what kind of foreplay are optimal for you, as well as possibly getting over the idea that
sex = kissing --> boob squeezing --> penetration --> completion
which seems not uncommon in the inexperienced.

Someone should really introduce them to Swiss Navy products though.
posted by notashroom at 8:51 AM on September 1, 2009


Interesting how the assumption here is Christians can't possibly have good sex lives.

Not seriously. I was just having a little joke at their expense.

The responses to my cluelessness were genuinely helpful though. Thanks.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:11 AM on September 1, 2009


If you're serious about this shit then sell all of your possessions and go volunteer in a leper colony.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:12 AM on September 1, 2009


I see "Jesus X" more as an operating system.

"Jesux (pronounced Hay-sooks) is a new Linux distribution for Christian hackers, schools, families, and churches. There is already a core distribution being prepared, based on RedHat's distribution."
posted by iviken at 9:37 AM on September 1, 2009


See also: Stuff Christians Like and Passion of the Christ Part 2: Crucify This

"Let he who is without sin.. kick the first ass."
posted by chalbe at 10:24 AM on September 1, 2009


My church has... an upstairs room called the Parking Lot.
I can't decide if it's ahead or behind the curb.

Freudian typo? Is your church some sort of gathering of skinheads?


Nah. Check it out.
                 |
                 v
posted by lysdexic at 11:30 AM on September 1, 2009


I mean curve. Sorry
posted by lysdexic at 11:30 AM on September 1, 2009


I meant 'meant'. I'll stop now.
posted by lysdexic at 11:31 AM on September 1, 2009


Lesbians? No age of consent.

I don't think this is true, at least not everywhere. Oral sex must count as intercourse in at least some places, since the case where the Supreme Court struck down heightened penalties for gay statutory rape involved oral sex, and I don't think that the statutory-rape laws always specify the genders of the parties involved.
posted by palliser at 11:51 AM on September 1, 2009


Kierkegaard covered this ground, but good goddamn if he wasn't right.

So was Bertrand Russell.

I agree with those who see a little bit of lolxians, and a little bit of interesting insight.

(Oh God, I love that Passion of the Christ pic...)

However, the third picture in Having Cheesy Hair is of Top Chef Season 4 competitor Richard Blais. How can I trust the other entries?!?

"A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men. It needs a fearless outlook and a free intelligence. It needs hope for the future, not looking back all the time toward a past that is dead, which we trust will be far surpassed by the future that our intelligence can create."
posted by mrgrimm at 1:10 PM on September 1, 2009


Xian is an utterly commonplace, completely inoffensive abbreviation of "Christian."

Perhaps among USians.

I knew a Xian once. She pronounced it "Shawn."
posted by rokusan at 4:07 PM on September 1, 2009


Oral sex must count as intercourse in at least some places,

What is a virgin exactly? Ask 10 people and get 10 different answers because there is no agreed-upon definition. For example, if your definition includes an intact hymen, what happens if the hymen is broken during childhood from horseback riding or other sport? What about digital penetration? What about dildo penetration? What about penetration by a cock without orgasm? What about orgasm but no penetration? What about sodomy? What about rape?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:32 PM on September 1, 2009


"For example, if your definition includes an intact hymen, what happens if the hymen is broken during childhood from horseback riding or other sport?"

Whore.

What about digital penetration?

Whore.

What about dildo penetration?

Whore.

What about penetration by a cock without orgasm?

Whore.

What about orgasm but no penetration?

Virgin.

What about sodomy?

Virgin; abomination.

What about rape?

In the field, virgin. In the city, whore.

The Bible is a very practical book!
posted by klangklangston at 5:00 PM on September 1, 2009 [10 favorites]


What about digital penetration?

Whore.

What about dildo penetration?

Whore.

What about penetration by a cock without orgasm?

Whore.


When did klangklangston turn into Frank Miller?
posted by cereselle at 1:50 PM on September 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


Secret Life of Gravy, I was talking about whether the law recognizes female-on-female statutory rape; it was claimed above that it didn't. I really don't have any interest in the "who's a virgin???" game, no matter who's playing.
posted by palliser at 5:53 PM on September 2, 2009


Things this thread has taught me, volume 1:

If you want to increase your favourite count, make an idiotic statement and apologise. Apologies are popular on the blue.
posted by Dysk at 6:07 PM on September 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


We like redemption. Unless we're Catholics, in which case we like confession.
posted by box at 6:14 AM on September 3, 2009


I was talking about whether the law recognizes female-on-female statutory rape; it was claimed above that it didn't.

In Georgia it does.

"A person commits the offense of statutory rape when he or she
engages in sexual intercourse with any person under the age of 16
years and not his or her spouse, provided that no conviction shall
be had for this offense on the unsupported testimony of the victim."
posted by notashroom at 6:22 AM on September 3, 2009


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