Skull thought to be Hitler's is female
September 28, 2009 5:13 AM   Subscribe

Lending credence to conspiracy theorists everywhere, the skull fragment previously believed to have belonged to Adolf Hilter has been identified as female by DNA tests.
posted by Plutor (60 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
I knew it! Hitler was female!
posted by lester the unlikely at 5:20 AM on September 28, 2009 [5 favorites]


The discovery casts doubt on the exact circumstances of Hitler’s death and could force history books to be rewritten.

Huh? The history books were not written based on this one skull fragment.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:27 AM on September 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


DNA tests performed in a US laboratory confirmed the remains could not have belonged to the Nazi leader.

Why ever not? Was it missing the Nazi gene?

(Although the story seems to be sourced from The Sun. "Her" Hitler, how very droll.)
posted by Sova at 5:30 AM on September 28, 2009


So he really had no balls? They'll have to change the song now.
posted by permafrost at 5:30 AM on September 28, 2009 [11 favorites]


Professor Bruttenholm: 1958: the Occult Wars finally come to an end with the death of Adolf Hitler.

John Myers: 1945, you mean. Hitler died in '45.

Professor Bruttenholm: (Amused) Did he now?
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:32 AM on September 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


...so what you're saying is: maybe he didn't die at that movie premiere after all.

Hmmmmm.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 5:34 AM on September 28, 2009 [11 favorites]


Downfall video being used to express Hitler's dissatisfaction with the fact that the skull found isn't his in 5, 4, 3, 2.....
posted by sien at 5:36 AM on September 28, 2009 [5 favorites]


Crazy theories one, regular theories a billion.

/Futurama
posted by WPW at 5:44 AM on September 28, 2009


from article:
  • DNA tests done on Hitler skull fragment
  • Result says it's skull of a woman
  • Casts doubts on the death of Hitler


  • Holy shit HE'S STILL ALIVE, PEOPLE
    posted by koeselitz at 5:44 AM on September 28, 2009


    You know who else was female?

    That's right: Mother Theresa.
    posted by DU at 5:44 AM on September 28, 2009 [4 favorites]


    Am I missing something? I don't understand how this changes the circumstances of his death? I had never heard of this skull before, but I'm surprised there wasn't more suspicion around it's accuracy.
    posted by Corduroy at 5:46 AM on September 28, 2009


    The crickets and the rust beetles scuttled among the nettles of the Schwarzwald.
    Wollen wir, meine Freunde gehen, he whispered, and threw the battered Schmeisser over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.
    posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:53 AM on September 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


    You know who else was female?

    That's right: Mother Theresa.


    Yeah, and so was Sister Maria Francesca Cabrini...

    HOLY SHIT, Hitler was...a...nun?
    posted by P.o.B. at 5:59 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Am I missing something? I don't understand how this changes the circumstances of his death? I had never heard of this skull before, but I'm surprised there wasn't more suspicion around it's accuracy.

    For a number of years now, it's been claimed that the Soviets picked up what they thought was Hitler's skull (fragments). The story is that after Hitler and Eva killed themselves, he had ordered for their bodies to be taken outside and burned. Purportedly, a good loyal Nazi did this, dousing their bodies in fuel, and burning them in a shell crater just outside of the bunker with the Soviets literally bearing in on the bunker. This is supposed to be where soldiers of the Red Army discovered the remains.

    It really doesn't change anything, other than we don't have a piece of bone that folks can claim belonged to Hitler. So yes, it means that Adolph really died in Seattle, Washington, after living another 22 years as a pretzel vendor to tourists.
    posted by Atreides at 6:00 AM on September 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


    You know what this means? It means we take all those stupid stories about the Mary Magdalene having Jesus's baby, and we replace the names with Eva and Adolf, respectively. Then we can have lots of Da Vinci Code books about the secret Nazi bloodline. And of course, like any good conspiracy, there will be a twist. See, it turns out that Hitler's descendants are the neocons that secretly rule Israel.
    posted by Pastabagel at 6:09 AM on September 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


    Those mad bastards in Mandoras have still got his brain though?
    posted by Abiezer at 6:19 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    No wonder he had so much capacity for rage and destruction. I mean, you're a girl, and everyone keeps talking about the moustache you have no problem growing.

    And then one day some wisecracking Jewish comedian makes one more comparison with his mother in law and before you know it all hell has broken loose.
    posted by MuffinMan at 6:21 AM on September 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


    Well, I know for a FACT that I had Hitler for Chemistry in 11th grade, so I am not surprised at all by this so-called "revelation".
    posted by briank at 6:21 AM on September 28, 2009 [8 favorites]


    Then we can have lots of Da Vinci Code books about the secret Nazi bloodline.

    DUDE. Shut up! Dan Brown can hear you...
    posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:26 AM on September 28, 2009 [9 favorites]


    Well, duh.

    I mean, the Russians had displayed a fragment of Hitler's skull, but it proved too tempting a target for the occult underground and was stolen only to be replaced with a skull fragment of Mother Teresa. You don't put something with that much mojo out in front of the public, come on! The original was used in the powerful spell that...oh crap I said too much already....
    posted by graymouser at 6:29 AM on September 28, 2009


    Sova: the story seems to be sourced from The Sun

    As a long-time 'Sun' reader, I was disappointed in their handling of the story. OK, Hitler was a chick - but tell us what we 'Sun' readers really want to know. What size were her knockers? 'Sun' readers don't care who runs the country Reich, as long as she's got big tits!
    posted by eatyourcellphone at 6:32 AM on September 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


    HOLY SHIT, Hitler was...a...nun?
    posted by P.o.B. at 5:59 AM on September 28 [+] [!]


    This explains a lot. No wonder those nuns in grade school were such Nazis.
    posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:32 AM on September 28, 2009


    koeselitz: "Holy shit HE'S STILL ALIVE, PEOPLE"

    And, being 120 years old, VERY CRANKY.

    All you youth get off my lebensraum!
    posted by Joe Beese at 6:34 AM on September 28, 2009 [7 favorites]


    Hitler is Einhorn! Einhorn is Hitler!
    posted by dsword at 6:34 AM on September 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


    So... Hitler was a chimera?
    posted by GameDesignerBen at 6:42 AM on September 28, 2009


    Somebody spoke and I went into a dream.....

    (Mid 60s movie trailer, one of those awful attempts by the studios to be hip)

    VO: What happens when the world's wackiest movie producer-

    DIRECTOR: It'll be amazing! Real with it, people won't be able to stop talking about it!

    PA: Well you can could say that.

    VO: -Meets the an absentminded professor?

    SCIENTIST: Yes, I'd say it's theoretically possible, which is just as good as saying it is possible, which is just another way of saying I've already done it!

    ( Lab fills up with smoke. Big comic effect BOING! Smoke clears)

    VO: HITLER HAPPENS!

    VO: But Adolf isn't used to life in Lalaland!

    (upon seeing a girl in a miniskirt)

    AH: Mein Gott!

    GIRL: I don't know what you got honey but I know what I got!

    (shot of a big double door above a grand staircase)

    VO: Get ready to laugh, cause this summer there'll be -

    (Doors burst open, classic musical style, and hundreds of hilters run down the stairs, slow camera pan up, Hitlers do jazz hands.)

    TOO!

    MANY!

    HITLERS!

    An MGM picture.

    Color by Deluxe
    posted by The Whelk at 6:48 AM on September 28, 2009 [14 favorites]


    *DRAMATIC CHIPMUNK*
    posted by cj_ at 6:58 AM on September 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


    DNA ... Dat's Not Adolf!
    posted by WolfDaddy at 7:00 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Well at least they saved Hitler's cock.
    posted by Sailormom at 7:04 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Holy shit HE'S STILL ALIVE, PEOPLE

    Seems like there was a movie once about a kid who lived next door to a washed-up Nazi. Was it Hitler?

    Why hasn't there ever been an awesome movie/book/short story about Hitler settling somewhere in like a Middle-American German community to quietly live out his days walking his dog in the park unnoticed?
    posted by jefficator at 7:18 AM on September 28, 2009


    Seems like there was a movie once about a kid who lived next door to a washed-up Nazi. Was it Hitler?

    You're probably thinking of Apt Pupil. It wasn't Hitler, just one of his minions.
    posted by marxchivist at 7:31 AM on September 28, 2009


    Pastabagel, I'd read that, though I'd probably hide it behind a dust jacket from some Proust or something.
    posted by Neofelis at 7:41 AM on September 28, 2009


    Why hasn't there ever been an awesome movie/book/short story about Hitler settling somewhere in like a Middle-American German community to quietly live out his days walking his dog in the park unnoticed?

    Movie/book/short story? Bah, too easy. It's already been done as a sitcom! Although why it was cancelled after one episode, god knows, because it sounds HEIL-ARIOUS.

    Youtube: part 1 | part 2 | part 3
    posted by afx237vi at 7:42 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]



    Pastabagel, I'd read that, though I'd probably hide it behind a dust jacket from some Proust or something.


    In Search Of Lost Hitlers.
    posted by The Whelk at 7:47 AM on September 28, 2009


    Wow, Heil Honey I'm Home is criminally unfunny. And not just because of the offensiveness.
    posted by DU at 7:54 AM on September 28, 2009


    *stares at his monitor in shock*

    *goes to bookcase, pulls on The Iron Dream, walks down stairs revealed behind moving bookcase*

    *walks across laboratory, pulls cloth off large bell jar, revealing brain floating in murky fluid*

    "Sie wissen, mein Führer! Sie wissen!"
    posted by Halloween Jack at 8:16 AM on September 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


    Nothing but a freak of life! And, a freak of death!
    posted by The Whelk at 8:20 AM on September 28, 2009


    Wow, so not only was Hitler gay, he was also a lesbian?

    I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
    posted by mosk at 8:29 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    I /knew/ Hitler was secretly a woman.

    And now we can finally discredit feminism completely, and use the term "feminazi" unironically.

    /me *ducks*
    posted by clvrmnky at 8:33 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Gull-durned FEMINAZIS!
    posted by Sys Rq at 8:42 AM on September 28, 2009


    Ha, ha, ha! Great Hitler jokes, everyone.
    posted by Damn That Television at 8:53 AM on September 28, 2009


    Well, if Hitler IS still alive, he turned 120 in April...and I want their health care system!
    posted by jamstigator at 8:57 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Wait, so Hitler was disqualified from the Olympics for being both male AND female, so he took out his anger on Europe?
    posted by blue_beetle at 9:50 AM on September 28, 2009


    I won't be satisfied until we've got a museum exhibit with Hitler's pubes. I'd settle for a little Hitler-stache style merkin.
    posted by autodidact at 10:28 AM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Errr, which theory now who is validated?

    Ya got Hitler was transgenered, didn't die, didn't die there, mistake made at collection, substitution after the fact, DNA testing doesn't work, or whatever other theory you want to make.

    Which one is now 'valid' that was just a 'conspiracy theory' before? Because the market for 'hunk of Hilter's skull' is riding on it.
    posted by rough ashlar at 10:53 AM on September 28, 2009


    I got a hunka-hunka burnin' skull.
    posted by kirkaracha at 12:19 PM on September 28, 2009


    Of course Hitler is not alive now, but this documentary explains his unsuccessful run in the early 1960s in local British politics.

    I am not a racialist, but, und this is a big but, we in the National Bocialist Party believe das Überleben muss gestammen sein mit der schneaky Armstrong-Jones. Historische Taunton ist Volkermeinig von Meinhead.

    Mr Hitler, Hilter, he says that historically Taunton is a part of Minehead already.

    posted by Meatbomb at 12:36 PM on September 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


    Obviously, Bob the Angry Flower called this one accurately years ago.
    posted by ardgedee at 1:30 PM on September 28, 2009


    48 comments and no one has posted this?
    posted by dead cousin ted at 3:51 PM on September 28, 2009


    Hitler has only got one ball -- and an extremely large clitoris to go with it.
    posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:11 PM on September 28, 2009


    Wouldn't it be cool if he got away. There's no physical proof he died, correct?

    Fellow Führerbunkerite, Martin Bormann, escaped. Führerbunkerite, Artur Axmann, escaped and evaded capture for a while.
    posted by uncanny hengeman at 6:59 PM on September 28, 2009


    Wouldn't it be cool if he got away.

    No.
    posted by me & my monkey at 8:01 PM on September 28, 2009


    Sooooo it's probably Eva's skull then. Big deal.
    posted by banished at 8:03 PM on September 28, 2009


    We can't rule out the possibility that his skull was female, while the rest of him was male.
    posted by clockzero at 8:13 PM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Wouldn't it be cool if he got away.

    No.


    Lighten up, Francis. I mean cool as in "wouldn't it be cool if T Rexes roamed the streets".
    posted by uncanny hengeman at 8:31 PM on September 28, 2009


    I watched an hourlong documentary on The History Channel the other day, where they opened the show with "did Hitler secretly live out the rest of his life, escaping his bunker?" and I thought "psh. c'mon. If they discovered Hitler DIDN'T die in that bunker, a well-produced documentary on the matter wouldn't be the place to reveal that info" yet, sure enough, they revealed that all evidence they once had about Hitler dying in that bunker turned out to be either false or inconclusive.

    Other things they mentioned that lend credence :

    - The blood stains on the couch where Hitler supposedly shot himself turned out be male DNA but none of Hitler's surviving relatives are willing to submit a blood test to verify the identity of said DNA.

    - The famous photo(s) of Russian soldiers standing over what was supposed to be Hitler's corpse were, in fact, one of his doubles

    - His closest loyal guard, who's still alive, has gone back and forth on whether he heard a gunshot in Hitler's private quarters or not, and has also gone back and forth on whether or not he walked into the room to see a dead Hitler/Braun

    - While he DID ask his guards to burn his body after his death, they had no time for that, so the fire lasted only a few minutes before it was doused and then quickly buried in a shallow grave. All evidence so far has stated the corpse found in a shallow grave outside the bunker is the same one that Russians were posing next to in photographs.

    - A female nazi pilot made it out of Germany the night before his supposed death and avoided enemy fire. I forget her name, but she said until her death that there was no one else aboard the plane with her.


    Sure, he's definitely dead now, and I wondered myself "who cares if he lived longer after that?" but it would be at least mildly interesting to find out if that were the case.
    posted by revmitcz at 9:04 PM on September 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Yeah, what this means is that Red Army troops in their hurry to be rewarded for bringing Hitler's corpse to their leaders simply picked up the wrong burned, mutilated body. Either by accident or on purpose.

    But maybe it belonged to Frau Goebbels?

    "A female nazi pilot made it out of Germany the night before his supposed death"

    Hanna Reitsch
    posted by bardic at 9:24 PM on September 28, 2009


    "wouldn't it be cool if T Rexes roamed the streets".

    HIS TEETH ARE PAIN! HIS BREATH IS HATE! HIS EYES ARE JUDGMENT! HIS ARMS ARE TINY BUT FUNCTIONAL!

    ALL FEAR HILTERSAUR!
    posted by The Whelk at 4:56 AM on September 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


    WRT Nazi Dinosaurs: feast yez eyes on Tyrannosaurus Reich from the criminally-underappreciated defunct comic series Major Bummer.

    Also, WRT the possibility that Hitler survived: Probably not for long. Whether or not he actually had syphilis, between his meth habit, lingering injuries from Claus von Stauffenberg's assassination attempt, and his general deterioration, he wasn't about to look forward to a long retirement in some South American Nazi stronghold.
    posted by Halloween Jack at 7:42 AM on September 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


    Tyrannosaurus Reich, I will never quit you.

    but having human-sized arms? LAME. How can he be a proper Nazi Dinosaur without hilariously tiny arms seig heiling all over the place?
    posted by The Whelk at 7:50 AM on September 29, 2009


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