Where did you learn to fly?

October 10, 2009 9:45 AM

"So why bring up this sore spot in 2009, roughly 16 years after the Jaguar's ill-fated launch? Because as an artifact of video game history, the Jaguar speaks volumes about where we've been, where we are, and where we're going." Linking the past, present, and future: The Atari Jaguar as console artifact

Buying the Jaguar at launch was, without a shadow of a doubt, the single worst gaming decision I ever made.
I still have it. I keep it in its box. I left the $250 Walden Software price tag on it, as a reminder to never buy into PR hype.

posted by joedan (33 comments total)

Ahhh...when I was about 7 or 8 years old, the Jaguar sounded awesome to me. I never had the money to get it, though, and had to remain content with Super Pong and Atari 2600 at home, visits to the arcade, and zealously hogging friends' Segas and Nintendos at sleepovers.
posted by limeonaire at 10:04 AM on October 10

But how could one of the worst consoles of all time have one of the best console games of all time? Such are the mysteries of the Jaguar.
posted by eschatfische at 10:06 AM on October 10 [1 favorite]

Buying the Jaguar at launch was, without a shadow of a doubt, the single worst gaming decision I ever made.

Somewhere in a closet in my parents house is my 32X, sitting alone and sad. Not that I didn't enjoy the few games I had for it. It was part of what I came to realize was my first experience with brand loyalty. In my middle school mind, SEGA could do no wrong. As a result, I have all of their failures (and successes).

I still love my Dreamcast very much.
posted by gc at 10:14 AM on October 10

SuperZapper recharge!
posted by empath at 10:15 AM on October 10 [1 favorite]

Aliens vs predator was a great game, too. You could play as the marines, aliens or the predator, and the all had unique game mechanics and a different path through the game.
posted by empath at 10:29 AM on October 10

Even though I owned most of these machines when I was younger and seem to recall enjoying them, I can't go back to video games pre-achievement points. I dream of achievement points.

Help me.
posted by Bageena at 10:32 AM on October 10 [3 favorites]

Help me.

A colleague of mine, also an IT consultant, has an XBOX 360. After finishing Fallout 3 with a particular eye to achievement points, he saw the option to display how many hours he'd played to achieve them. Then he calculated the opportunity cost of achieving those points--something like $6,000.

He hasn't played anything since.
posted by fatbird at 10:35 AM on October 10

Fallout 3? Just wait till you tell him about the opportunity cost of sleep.
posted by ersatz at 11:03 AM on October 10 [6 favorites]

Sensible Soccer was a great football game for the Jaguar.

And finally, the character you've been waiting for if you're familiar at all with this game, Angus: the kilted, drunken, brawling, caber-tossing Scotsman who, along with his ability to shoot fire from his balls, has come to symbolize this game and everything wrong with it.
posted by ersatz at 11:07 AM on October 10 [1 favorite]

(Can I just say that I was at the show where the Konix/Flare Multisystem was launched - the predecessor of the Jaguar - and met a deliriously happy Jeff Minter who spent far too long going on about how great it would be?)
posted by scruss at 11:10 AM on October 10

According to GamePro, the Jaguar ended up selling less than 250,000 units. To put that number in perspective, that's less than half the number of CD-I consoles sold, around one-tenth the amount of 3DO and N-Gage consoles sold, and even one half the number of original Xbox consoles sold... in Japan.

Ouch.

Still, I'd sooner have had a jaguar than a 3D0 or CD-I.
posted by Artw at 11:10 AM on October 10 [1 favorite]

i remember seeing the jaguar in a store, back when it launched...it was displaying some game of the 'shoot at the flying rocks' variety. and i thought, 'god, how 15 years ago' (not a very good thing to say about a video game in 1990). ...but the flying rocks...they looked so REAL.
posted by sexyrobot at 11:21 AM on October 10

Which doomed console was it that launched with a game where you flew up someones colon?
posted by Artw at 11:25 AM on October 10

Which doomed console was it that launched with a game where you flew up someones colon?

Are you talking about Microcosm for the Sega CD?
posted by adamdschneider at 11:40 AM on October 10

"Moreover, those unfortunate enough to have owned a Jaguar will recall that despite its plasticky appearance, the Jag controller was a sturdy and extremely comfortable piece of hardware. So comfortable, in fact, that I have yet to hold another controller to equal the Jaguar's in terms of weight, shape, and ergonomics."

Persoanally, I thought the Jaguar controller was one of the worst ever, both in ergonomics and sheer size. NONE of the games used the stupid phone pad, which was 2/3 of the damn thing.

AVP was fun, and it had the best Doom port to any console, though.
posted by sudoscience at 11:41 AM on October 10

Angry Video Game Nerd on the Jaguar:
Part 1
Part 2
some NSFW language
posted by hellojed at 11:49 AM on October 10 [2 favorites]

NONE of the games used the stupid phone pad, which was 2/3 of the damn thing.

Cybermorph, the pack-in game for the system, used it extensively.
posted by Dr-Baa at 11:50 AM on October 10

You know, after thinking about it a bit and then going to my game closet for verification, AVP used the number pad too, so I'm not sure how you can claim none of the games used it.
posted by Dr-Baa at 11:53 AM on October 10

If the Jaguar has 64 bits, then they used 60 of them for crap, and four for someone to step in that crap spread it around with their shoe. I found a handheld football game in a dumpster in 1979 that looked better than this.

- SeanBaby
posted by crayz at 12:08 PM on October 10

Damn, wish there was quickedit, have to add (from the same): There are so many video game systems that failed for subtle reasons like marketing or sunspots. That's not the case with the Jaguar. The Jaguar deserved to fail. In fact, the Jaguar didn't fail hard enough. If any of the people responsible for the Atari Jaguar are not currently begging for cigarettes at a bus station, there is no justice in the world.
posted by crayz at 12:12 PM on October 10

Great post and brings to mind just how Sony and Microsoft totally missed out on the Wii concept. No doubt the smart money in the video game industry had seen the script in cases like Jaguar a once dominant console maker grabs onto some gimmick and expects to lead a transformation. Sometimes you get a disruptive technology that transforms your industry, other times you just disrupt yourself.
posted by humanfont at 12:50 PM on October 10

Are you talking about Microcosm for the Sega CD?

That's the one. So less of a doomed console than a i-don't-know-how-well-it-did accessory.
posted by Artw at 1:36 PM on October 10

it was displaying some game of the 'shoot at the flying rocks' variety. ...but the flying rocks...they looked so REAL.

What was that game called? I remember seeing it in a store.
posted by martinrebas at 1:43 PM on October 10

There are so many video game systems that failed for subtle reasons like marketing or sunspots. That's not the case with the Jaguar. The Jaguar deserved to fail. In fact, the Jaguar didn't fail hard enough. If any of the people responsible for the Atari Jaguar are not currently begging for cigarettes at a bus station, there is no justice in the world.

Wow, some people have a really whack understanding of "Justice" I mean I realize it's a joke but the whole "outrage over video games shtick" just gets old. I don't understand how people can get so het up about such an unimportant thing.
posted by delmoi at 1:47 PM on October 10 [1 favorite]

Angry Video Game Nerd on the Jaguar:

The Trojan Condoms ad in front of part 2 of the Angry Video Game Nerd is probably some of the most hilariously wasted advertising dollars ever.
posted by empath at 1:52 PM on October 10 [8 favorites]

Jeff Minter Jaguar Demo
Jeff Minter Flying Robots Demo
posted by Artw at 1:53 PM on October 10

jeff minter's brain doesn't work like anyone else's.
posted by empath at 2:07 PM on October 10

As a gaming nerd-ette, I had every console, including this one. I did chores and babysitting so I could buy consoles and games. I bought into the hype of the Jaguar...boy was I an idiot! That was a lot of time babysitting bratty kids...wasted on the Jaguar! PS - I actually track how much time I spend gaming, and you can too!
posted by Eclipsante at 2:22 PM on October 10

Wow, I have one of these in the attic. Never played a single game on it, but used the Virtual Light Machine that came with it back in the 90s to create some very cool retro video effects most folks had never seen before. Went over real well. Here's a couple of small tastes of what it could do.
posted by mediareport at 4:35 PM on October 10

move that 'back in the 90s' about 8 words to the right, thanks
posted by mediareport at 4:36 PM on October 10

A while back, I picked up a copy of Iron Soldier at a thrift store, figuring that I'd see the Jaguar there the next week. Well, that was probably ten years ago, and I still haven't bought a Jaguar, and Iron Soldier sits in a box next to Saturn Baku Baku and Atari 5200 Qix. If anybody's still playing the Jag, and they don't have this game, send me a MeMail, and I'll see if I can dig mine up.
posted by box at 4:40 PM on October 10

White Men Can't Jump is quite possibly the most disappointing sports video game of all time. Intellivision had waaaay better sports games. I ebayed a Jaguar and several games as a curiosity to add to my (already substantial) vintage system collection, but it's just godawful.
posted by rhythim at 7:39 AM on October 11

delmoi: Wow, some people have a really whack understanding of "Justice" I mean I realize it's a joke but the whole "outrage over video games shtick" just gets old. I don't understand how people can get so het up about such an unimportant thing.

Well, I can't speak for SeanBaby; channeling over-the-top outrage at terrible video games is his shtick (I mean, why else would anyone review the Kris Kross game?). But as someone who actually anticipated the release of the Jaguar with baited breath, and as one of the few who bought it on the day it came out, I feel perfectly entitled to say this: fuck the fucking Jaguar.

In retrospect, I don't regret buying the Jaguar even though I hate the fucking thing. In order for that makes any sense, you've got to know something about me: I'm a gamer. I've been a gamer since before I could read. Barring arthritis or CTS, I plan on gaming as long as I live.

Have you noticed that when people talk about their passion in life, they are often able to pinpoint the exact moment the spark of passion hit? I remember that moment clearly. It was during my cousin's birthday party. At some point in the evening I wandered into the living room and came upon something the likes of which I had never seen--a group of kids huddled around a tv, passing around a controller. Among my cousin's birthday gifts had been an NES. They were playing Super Mario Bros. and my cousin had the controller. He was at the very beginning of world 1-2, running towards the first set of floating boxes. He hit the first one and a flower sprouted out of the top of the box.

Now let's get this straight: the mere fact that my cousin was able move around a little guy on a tv screen by pushing a couple of buttons had already captured my young imagination. But here's where it got really interesting: my cousin got the little guy to jump up and touch the flower.

The little guy started flashing! His clothes changed colors! And, get this, he started throwing fireballs!!! I went apeshit! Or at least I would have gone apeshit if I wasn't standing there completely overwhelmed with awe. It was the first time in my life that something blew my mind. I was very young at the time--almost a toddler, really--but at that very moment I knew that I would be playing video games for the rest of my life.

All these years later that remains one of the most vivid memories I have. To give my younger self credit, I was right--I love gaming just as much now as I did then, if not more. But at that time I had a problem: my cousin wouldn't let me play. I was one of the Little Kids, see, and he would only let the Big Kids play the game. My diminutive brethren and I stood around, staring all of us staring awe-struck at the tv screen, hoping against hope that my cousin would take pity on us and let us play, even if it was just for a few seconds. But it was all for naught. He never did let us play Super Mario Bros., although at some later date he let us run on the Power Pad (Nintendo was doing the fitness thing looong before the Wii Fit).

To recap: I had just seen the coolest thing I had ever seen in my entire life and did not get to try it for myself. As you would expect, I spent a lot of time after that thinking about video games. I remember peddling a big wheel and imagining how awesome it would be if I could ride a big wheel in a video game. Still, no Nintendo for me; my parents just couldn't afford it. Fortunately for me, it was the 80's--it was the golden age of the American arcade. There were arcade cabinets everywhere: supermarkets, restaurants, the panederia down the block, everywhere. The best days were when my mom would give me a quarter so I could play a game. The quarter would always be gone pretty quickly as 80's arcade games had really unforgiving difficulty curves. So I spent much more time standing around watching other people play than playing myself.

Still, what I really wanted was a Nintendo. A couple of years later, one of my uncles decided to help me out. He gave me an old Atari 7800. It was no Nintendo, but I it was still a game console and it was mine. I spent hours playing games like Pitfall!, Dig Dug, Centipede, Galaga, and Enduro. I grew to love that Atari 7800 and so, years later, when Atari announced that they were releasing a new system, I desperately wanted it. I begged my parents for it using the data from the ads--it was 64 bits!--but they were not about to raise un haragán sinvergüenza. If I wanted to buy the Jaguar, I would have to save up money and buy it myself. So I started mowing lawns and saving money, reading and re-reading the GamePro previews in order to keep myself motivated. I managed to finish saving up the cash a couple of weeks before the Jaguar's November 1993 release. When the day came, my dad and I went to the mall and I bought a game console for the first time.

If you ever read any retrospectives on the Jaguar, you'll undoubtedly find a short list of the games that were good on the system: Tempest 2000, DOOM, Wolfenstein 3D, Aliens Vs. Predators. I didn't own any of them. So not only did I buy the shittiest game console ever, I bought it and had one of the worst experiences it was possible to have with the damn thing. Instead, I owned these:

Zool 2: A decent platformer that was innovative in one respect: product placement. I had no idea what Chupa Chups were before I played this game, and I have never forgotten about them since.

Brutal Sports Football: A sports game that is a blend of football, soccer and rugby featuring lots of gratuitous violence. Weapons would randomly spawn on the field, and sometimes when you tackled a dude his head would pop off. I actually enjoyed this one in multiplayer; its the only Jaguar game that I look back on fondly.

Evolution: Dino Dudes: A Lemming clone remarkable only for being completely unremarkable. It has since faded into the dustbin of obscurity; I even forgot I owned it until I looked at the shelf behind me just now. What can I say? I've liked dinosaurs for nearly as long as I've liked video games, and there were dinosaurs on the box. This very well may be the game that taught me not to trust box art.

Kasumi Ninja: Possibly the most disappointed I've ever been in a game. It came out at the height of the fighting game era and has digitized graphics like Mortal Kombat. It was the first fighting game that came out for the Jaguar and I was very excited to finally own a fighting game. Sadly, it's a terrible, unmitigated disaster of a game. As noted upthread, one of the characters is a Scotsman who shoots fire from his balls.

And finally, Cybermorph: This is the game that came with the system. It's a Star Fox-like flight sim where you fly around the surface of a planet collecting pods and shooting enemies. It might have been a decent game, but it had two major problems: (1) the draw distance is crap-- obstacles pop up so quickly that you can't help but collide with them; (2) every time you collide with anything, a green face (supposedly the on-board computer guide) pops up in the corner of the screen and asks, accusingly, "Where did you learn to fly?" Every. Single. Time. Seriously, if you want the experience of playing Cybermorph, just watch this clip on loop for half an hour. I hate this game.

So buying the Jaguar taught me many things: it taught me to never buy into hype; it taught me that brand loyalty is bullshit; it taught me, in short, to be a smart consumer. These are important lessons for anyone to learn. But it taught me these things by being the shittiest goddamn thing I ever purchased. So you see, delmoi, it might seem like an unimportant thing to you, but it was really goddamn important to me. And so I maintain:

Fuck the fucking Jaguar. Fuck that mothefucking worthless piece of shit.
posted by joedan at 11:35 PM on October 11 [3 favorites]