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Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!
November 2, 2009 12:57 PM   Subscribe

'This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.'

With the rights to the Terminator franchise up for sale, Joss Whedon makes a bid.
posted by shakespeherian (142 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
I read it, and I continue to not get anything that Joss Whedon says or does.
posted by MysteriousMan at 1:01 PM on November 2, 2009 [7 favorites]


Argh. This was originally at Whedonesque. I don't know why Nikki Finke doesn't link to it.
posted by kmz at 1:01 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


...and of course, if they want to give Ringo less, that's up to them...
posted by Crane Shot at 1:03 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


and viola! Terminator off your hands.'

...but why would he want to give them a viola? : )
posted by LooseFilter at 1:04 PM on November 2, 2009 [9 favorites]


"and viola! Terminator off your hands."
posted by TheNewWazoo at 1:05 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Damnitalltohell.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 1:06 PM on November 2, 2009


Reading this, does anyone get the feeling Dollhouse got canceled and Whedon is off on a wild ether bender?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:07 PM on November 2, 2009 [11 favorites]


Great. Now we'll get seasons of Elisha Dushku pretending to be a teenager and fucking Terminators.
posted by rodgerd at 1:08 PM on November 2, 2009 [10 favorites]


Well... I think he's done some good stuff and some bad stuff. He certainly can't do any worse than what has already been done to the franchise. And... sadly with what they've done to it since the first movie - its a fair price... possibly above market value.
posted by Nanukthedog at 1:09 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Eh, give him a shot. As long as he remains a big picture, general idea guy he can't do worse than what's going on with the franchise now. Don't let him do any actual writing or directing though.

That he also offered 10 grand for the Batman franchise makes him look like a fool drunk on his own opinions of his works. Whedon couldn't improve the Nolan/Bale franchise if he had the best of the best working for him. He'd look at all their amazing original ideas and then causually remove a few so he could insert Eliza Dushku into a few scenes where she'd try to portray emotions that I could better describe with Play-Doh.
posted by Science! at 1:12 PM on November 2, 2009 [12 favorites]


The farther we get away from the movie, the more the new projects start to resemble late Planet of the Apes spin offs and sequels. And, you know what? I kind of liked the crappy later stuff from Planet of the Apes.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:13 PM on November 2, 2009 [6 favorites]


Ha ha, I like that the two comments before mine made almost the same arguments. I swear I didn't read them. Whedon just sucks lately.
posted by Science! at 1:13 PM on November 2, 2009


I hope he gets the rights. Terminator: The Musical would be AWESOME.
posted by longdaysjourney at 1:14 PM on November 2, 2009


Now I'm picturing a T-800 as played by Troy McClure.
posted by entropicamericana at 1:15 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


Neil Patrick Harris as The Terminator. Yes, I would pay money to see this.
posted by cazoo at 1:16 PM on November 2, 2009 [16 favorites]


Really? I think the fact that he pokes fun at himself to be one of his redeeming features.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 1:16 PM on November 2, 2009 [4 favorites]


From comments in the second link:

"But there is no reason not to sell him this franchise. Just look at what he did with Alien 4."

Oh, snap! Roll credits.
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:18 PM on November 2, 2009 [7 favorites]


More proof that Whedon's forte is comedy, not sci-fi. Every struggling movie franchise needs more Buffy wisecracks or a villain like Dr. Horrible. If Andy Hallett were still alive... sigh.
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:18 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


...and viola!

I'll be Bach.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:20 PM on November 2, 2009 [104 favorites]


I vote to form a movement to beg James Cameron to buy it back and fix it. Every time I see a rerun of Terminator 1 I'm awed by his creativity.
posted by bearwife at 1:22 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


You might want to wait until you see Avatar before starting that movement. (Or, hell, Titanic.)
posted by papercake at 1:25 PM on November 2, 2009


You know, I don't care if he dresses John Connor up in drag and makes him dance around singing arias about the sorrow of being Humanity's Only Hope. As long as Joss follows through on the coughdrop promise, I'll be happy beyond the telling.

I detest Christian Bale and his gravely whisper who has tainted two of my favorite franchises.
posted by teleri025 at 1:29 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Or Aquaman.
posted by fleacircus at 1:29 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Deep-sea archaeologists discover a terminator in the belly of the Lusitania. Violence and class-conscious politics ensue.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 1:30 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


I don't know why Nikki Finke doesn't link to it.

Because she's Nikki Finke.
posted by theonetruebix at 1:31 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


Checking the stats, weapons-grade pandemonium, apparently 12 of us have faved that comment of yours.

Not enough by far, in my opinion.
posted by salishsea at 1:34 PM on November 2, 2009


Wish he'd buy the rights to Firefly and bring THAT back.

Now THAT was a good show.
posted by Thistledown at 1:35 PM on November 2, 2009 [25 favorites]


Lorne Michaels made a pitch like this to the Beatles.

George Harrison wanted to take him up on it.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:37 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Science!, you might want to adjust your HAMBURGER filter.
posted by kmz at 1:37 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


That he also offered 10 grand for the Batman franchise makes him look like a fool drunk on his own opinions of his works.

10 grand for Lord of the Rings, too! He clearly has no sense of self-awareness or irony whatsoever.
posted by designbot at 1:37 PM on November 2, 2009 [7 favorites]


Wow, some of you need to get a sense of humor...
posted by spiderskull at 1:39 PM on November 2, 2009 [6 favorites]


That he also offered 10 grand for the Batman franchise makes him look like a fool drunk on his own opinions of his works.

Uh... what? I thought it was pretty screamingly obvious that none of those "10k" offers are serious. I mean, sure, if someone actually offered him any major franchise for $10k he'd probably take it, but given that these things are valued in the many millions, it's not "foolish" to offer 10k, it's just... a joke. It's like if I offered $100 for Terminator. An insulting/foolish offer would be, I dunno, $500,000. Saying "I'll give you 10k for this" pretty strongly telegraphs "Please don't actually suggest I up my offer, I just want to crack some jokes."
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:41 PM on November 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


Terminator has never, ever been good. Ever. What is wrong with people?
posted by The World Famous at 1:42 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


I just wish James Cameron would come back, just one more time, to do another Terminator film. It was always his project, and it is telling that the first time he was not involved in a Terminator film also happened to be the first time a Terminator film really sucked.

So here's what we do. Actually here's what the state of California has to do since it's all up to them. First you do whatever you can to boot Arnie out of office, and bankrupt him so that he has to do another Terminator film to survive. And then you pass round the hat and beg Cameron to direct it.

This is probably the only way we'll get another Terminator film that does not suck balls.
posted by Effigy2000 at 1:42 PM on November 2, 2009


It's a wonderful offer, but something tells me he's not really serious. Can't say why, exactly.

But that "Song of Norway" remake idea? GENIUS! Shoot it now, Joss, before some scrappy German-Thai-Romanian co-production gets there first! Even if there's no new ideas in Hollywood, there are still ideas that can seem new if nobody watched them the first time. Silk purses and sow's ears, that's where the money is...
posted by Kevin Street at 1:43 PM on November 2, 2009


The reaction is like the average youtube comment — I can't tell if the comments are sarcastic or not.

You know he's joking, right?
posted by amuseDetachment at 1:45 PM on November 2, 2009


What's the difference between the first and last chair of a viola section? posted by jenkinsEar at 1:46 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


As long as Joss follows through on the coughdrop promise, I'll be happy beyond the telling.
Right? I liked those movies, but didn't ANYONE ever think to say, "You know, Christian, that voice you're doing when you're in the suit? Like Froggy from 'Our Gang', but not as good? It sounds kind of... dumb. Yeah. Just thought you'd want to know."

Well they shoulda.
posted by dirtdirt at 1:47 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


Now we'll get seasons of Elisha Dushku pretending to be a teenager and fucking Terminators.

And this is bad how?
posted by steambadger at 1:48 PM on November 2, 2009 [4 favorites]


I love me some Whedon, to an absurd degree, as many of you well know, and I originally read this on Whedonesque. I know Joss wrote it (color coded usernames at Whedonesque!) but I still thought "noooo, it's gotta be a joke." Hell, I hope it's a joke. All I wanted in life was Joss doing Wonder Woman and those hopes got dashed, so bah to all that.

But hey! Dr. Horrible sequel!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:48 PM on November 2, 2009


People who can't tell this is a joke, please stand over there. Like waaaaay over there. So far over there that people won't think "Hey, I bet those people who can't tell when someone is joking are with that other group of people."
posted by 23skidoo at 1:52 PM on November 2, 2009 [8 favorites]


Can someone please build an army of real terminators and send them back in time to kill those responsible for ruining the franchise post T2?
posted by threetoed at 1:54 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'd put my trust in Wil Wheaton more than Joss Whedon for Terminator at this point.

/Liked Terminator more when a few years earlier, it was called Westworld.

/Let it die. I'm almost at the point where I'll pay $10,000 for a great, well-directed NEW story idea in Science Fiction movies.
posted by chambers at 1:57 PM on November 2, 2009


People loved the idea of Lucas returning to Star Wars and Spielberg to Indiana Jones also, until they actually did it.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 1:59 PM on November 2, 2009 [10 favorites]


I guess I should have added the 'subtle' tag to this.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:59 PM on November 2, 2009


I'm completely incapable of understanding the mind of someone who can read this and think it's a serious proposal.
posted by EarBucket at 1:59 PM on November 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


I think he's serious.

About writing the check, that is. Mind you, I think he'd just about drop dead from surprise if he actually had to write it...
posted by lodurr at 2:00 PM on November 2, 2009


(Stuff like this is almost always funnier if you're prepared to actually write the check. I think proving that is basically Andy Kaufman's main accomplishment in life.)
posted by lodurr at 2:02 PM on November 2, 2009


He's serious as a puppy in a clown suit. (And believe me, there's nothing funny about that.)
posted by Kevin Street at 2:02 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


Do we need another Terminator movie? Is there more to the story that anyone cares about?

And we don't need a "reboot." Really, are there no good ideas anymore? At least make decent film adaptations of beloved books. No one's made a film adaptation of Asimov's Foundation series yet. That could be interesting. Or even a Neuromancer movie (without Keanu thankyouverymuch). Hell, I'm still waiting on a House of Leaves picture.
posted by Pastabagel at 2:05 PM on November 2, 2009


For Pete's sake, folks! If Lyndon LaRouche offers $10,000 for the rights to the Terminator and Batman franchises, he's probably serious.

This is a joke.
posted by Naberius at 2:06 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Metafilter, circa 1729: OMG, I can't believe Jonathan Swift wants to eat babies!
posted by kmz at 2:08 PM on November 2, 2009 [19 favorites]


When they get Calculon to play the Terminator, then I'll be happy to watch another Terminator movie.

Until then, not unless they pay me to watch...
posted by darkstar at 2:09 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


"No one's made a film adaptation of Asimov's Foundation series yet."

*cue dramatic reveal music*

Director Emmerich Explains The Character(s) Of Foundation
posted by Kevin Street at 2:09 PM on November 2, 2009


He's serious as a puppy in a clown suit. (And believe me, there's nothing funny about that.)

Funny is not the opposite of serious.
posted by The World Famous at 2:09 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm completely incapable of understanding the mind of someone who can read this and think it's a serious proposal.
posted by EarBucket at 4:59 PM on November 2


I think Whedon is serious about wanting to take a shot at the franchise. From the 93 seconds I saw of the TV series, it seemed like Sarah Connor is a character ripe for the Whedonesque post-feminist treatment.

So obviously his ideas and the $10k bid are not serious, but are intended to convey what everyone knows, which is that if it goes to whoever writes the biggest check, it will be a hackneyed piece of shit. I do think he is serious about wanting the franchise, probably to focus on Sarah and not John.
posted by Pastabagel at 2:09 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


At least make decent film adaptations of beloved books. No one's made a film adaptation of Asimov's Foundation series yet. That could be interesting.

Be careful what you wish for!
posted by EarBucket at 2:10 PM on November 2, 2009


Oh yeah sure, give it to Joss Whedon that's a great idea. Sarah Connor will actually played by an undernourished 19 year old who we later find out is being controlled by Cyberdyne from the future and even more confusingly by humans who may or may not actually be directing the robots to wage their war on humanity. The Terminator will follow a strange sort of neo-paganist robot religion that's a mess of Buddhism, Christianity and Judaism. Instead of a nuclear holocaust, the robots create a virus that wipes out life on earth in under a minute (but we later find out it merely put some people to sleep, and later that it was created by people). Oh and everyone from the present is dressed in Edwardian era dress.

I would, however, forgive all this if we get Neil Patrick Harris as the Terminator.
posted by geoff. at 2:10 PM on November 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


Pastabagel, be careful what you wish for. I believe one of the ID4/Godzilla/2012 guys has his eyes set on Foundation.
posted by kmz at 2:10 PM on November 2, 2009


I'm with you on asking Hollywood to take a trip to the library for inspiration, Pastabagel, but House of Leaves? ...Really? (Hamburger?) Some stories work well in multiple mediums, but how on earth do you film 200 pages of footnotes?
posted by philotes at 2:16 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


"Funny is not the opposite of serious."

Sometimes funny is the only thing that can stop you from taking that last liver killing pull of cheap tequila at three AM, when there's nothing to watch on TV except Class of 1999. Or so I've heard.
posted by Kevin Street at 2:18 PM on November 2, 2009


how on earth do you film 200 pages of footnotes?

You don't. You make the Navidson Record, and put the rest of the stuff on the internet.
posted by empath at 2:19 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Director Emmerich Explains The Character(s) Of Foundation
posted by Kevin Street at 5:09 PM on November 2


Oh, what the shitfuck is this shit? Fuck!
posted by Pastabagel at 2:21 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


In other words, you take the footage of the Navidson record, you get movie critics, and talking heads to do sit down interviews discussing the meaning of the footage, etc, and make it mockumentary style. Do it as a 3 part series on A&E or something -- The 10th anniversary of the Navidson Record.

Here's the pitch

"Before Blair Witch, before Paranormal Activity, there was a real documentary that terrified America. 10 years on, we examine the tapes, try to separate the truth from the fiction and talk about what it meant for American culture. -- Tonight-- We explore The Navidson Record"

Cut to the 6 Minute Hallway tape, etc...
posted by empath at 2:23 PM on November 2, 2009 [6 favorites]


Director Emmerich Explains The Character(s) Of Foundation

I think he should totally get to direct Foundation but only if he has every line of dialogue be just like that immense run-on sentence that he does in the quote in that article because that would be awesome and would be a great way of encoding the grandeur and scope of this galaxy-spanning tale because you see each sentence would be terribly long and convoluted just like the Foundation's history and wouldn't that be clever and I think Asimov would have approved of that and besides his idea of merging together all the different main characters in the trilogy into one person totally makes sense because they only span like a thousand years or so and that would be totally plausible for the mathematician-mayor-merchant prince guy to live that long because Foundation would obviously have awesome health care with a public option because, come on, they're like super-genius historians, aren't they?
posted by ook at 2:32 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


geoff.:
I would, however, forgive all this if we get Neil Patrick Harris as the Terminator.


John: Are you ever afraid?
Terminator: No.
John: Not even of dying?
Terminator: No.
John: You don't feel any emotion about it one way or another?
Terminator: No. I have to stay functional until I destroy the status quo. Because the status is not quo.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:35 PM on November 2, 2009 [6 favorites]


but how on earth do you film 200 pages of footnotes?
posted by philotes at 5:16 PM on November 2


Are your ready for this? You're not ready for this, so sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up for a second, because someone said that the Matthew Broderick Godzilla director is about to fuck up some Asimov, and I've had 164 ounces of Diet Coke today, so I'm about to fucking spin off this motherfucker.

Ok, wait, do you need to go to the bathroom? Just go now, I don't want to get interrupted. There's no more what? Fuck, hold on, there's some in the upstairs crapper. Jesus, what the fuck did you eat? It doesn't matter, just shut the fuck up for a second and listen.

Okay. Whew. So here's how we're gonna do this. House of Leaves is fucking meta, right? It's metafiction. Post-modern. It's like fiction on top of fiction with fucking fiction coming out its ass. If you give Umberto Eco a colonoscopy and find another little Umberto Eco inside the big one, with the glasses and tweed sportcoat and shit giving a semiotics lecture, House of Leaves is the book the mini-colonoscopy Eco is reading.

Fuck. Oh man oh man oh man oh man. Are you thirsty? I'm gonna crack open another fucking DC on the realz.

Okay, so what you have are these three narratives (fuck the Whalestoe Letters, okay?) inside each other. So you gotta get that across to all the 15 year old girls that there's fucking multiple narratives and symbols and tattoos. And lots of fucking tattoos. So you got these narratives and footnotes and freaky sideways fucking text and shit. So what you do is this:

You film the movie in 3d. Boom.

House of Leaves in 3-D, starring Mos Def.
posted by Pastabagel at 2:36 PM on November 2, 2009 [33 favorites]


Hmmm...interesting idea, empath. You know, I think I'd find such an A&E miniseries really enjoyable - if I hadn't read the book and didn't grieve that most of the textual experience would be lost. And of course it would then frustrate me that so many people who only saw the mockumentary would think they knew what House of Leaves was all about without ever understanding how truly awesome the book was.

...which, actually, is pretty much how I feel about 85% of movies based on books, so maybe that's not a very good argument against your proposal.
posted by philotes at 2:37 PM on November 2, 2009


Pastabagel: You film the movie in 3d. Boom.

House of Leaves in 3-D, starring Mos Def.


With Robin Williams as the voice of the cartoon raccoon that follows Mos around.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:39 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


posted by longdaysjourney I hope he gets the rights. Terminator: The Musical would be AWESOME.

(Sung to, "The Wells Fargo Wagon" from The Music Man:)

Oh-ho, the Terminator cyborg is a-comin' down the street,
Oh please let it not kill me!
Oh-ho, the Terminator cyborg is a-comin' down the street,
It doesn't feel fear, pain or pity!

It's a combat chassis covered with human skin,
It's got beady little eyes that glow red,
It's from the post-apocalyptic future,
And it absolutely will not stop until you're dead!

Oh-ho, the Terminator cyborg is a-comin' now,
It's got a nine-millimeter Uzi!

It might have shotguns!
Or pistols!
Or a plasma rifle!
Or it could be,
Yes, it could be,
Yes, you're right it surely could be
Somethin' special,
Somethin' very, very special now,
Just for me!
posted by mattdidthat at 2:40 PM on November 2, 2009 [10 favorites]


You film the movie in 3d. Boom.

House of Leaves in 3-D, starring Mos Def.


I take it back. This movie must be made. When are you planning to stand outside the Hollywood film studios holding hand-painted signs and demanding that someone produce this epic masterpiece? Let me know and I'll join you. I'll bring snacks.

It'll be even better than SpyKids 3!
posted by philotes at 2:43 PM on November 2, 2009


Sarah Connor will actually played by an undernourished 19 year old

undernourished? jewel staite had to gain weight for her role in firefly.
posted by nadawi at 2:44 PM on November 2, 2009


(Sung to, "The Wells Fargo Wagon" from The Music Man:)

Oh-ho, the Terminator cyborg is a-comin' down the street


We got trouble here, we got big big trouble with a CAPITAL "T"
posted by philotes at 2:46 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this could be available on TV. Joss, you write me a check ANY DAY for $10,000, and voila, I will rewrite any script from any of your absolutely dreadful television shows which will not contain shitass dialogue and unnecessary exposition.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 2:48 PM on November 2, 2009 [4 favorites]


I am kind of loving* all the people who aren't getting the reference to the Lorne Michaels Beatles sketch, even after it has been linked to several times in the comments.

No, Joss Whedon is not crazy. He is making a joke that you don't get because you're too young/not from the US/didn't watch Saturday Night Live in the 1970s/whatever.

* for that value of "kind of loving" which most closely approximates "finding really annoying"
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:56 PM on November 2, 2009


chambers: I'd put my trust in Wil Wheaton more than Joss Whedon for Terminator at this point.

Holy crap, I always thought that the kid from ST:TNG was also the Buffy guy.

Wow.

Apparently he isn't one guy who started out a child-start turned web-presence and self-aware-geek, and somehow became some sort of spiraling media machine of mediocrity with an absolute legion of fans. Those are two separate fandoms, for two separate people, who I know nearly nothing about. Wild.
posted by paisley henosis at 2:59 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


undernourished? jewel staite had to gain weight for her role in firefly.

Uhh, yeah. Which is why she is much curvier than Summer Glau, who actually played Sarah Connor. Different actresses, dude.
posted by splice at 3:04 PM on November 2, 2009



undernourished? jewel staite had to gain weight for her role in firefly.

Uhh, yeah. Which is why she is much curvier than Summer Glau, who actually played Sarah Connor. Different actresses, dude.


it seemed that the comment was suggesting that whedon only like waifish girls and i was pointing out one of the pieces of evidence to the contrary. as summer glau has already played sarah connor, i imagine that in whedon took it over someone completely different would play sarah connor - dude.

ps. don't be an ass.
posted by nadawi at 3:18 PM on November 2, 2009


Here's my idea:

We all chip in to buy the Terminator rights and then hire Gus Van Sant to remake the first film from the Terminator's perspective. Before getting sent back he plays some violent video games, is bullied by skynet, and makes out with T-1000.
posted by drezdn at 3:19 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this could be available on TV. You Should See the Other Guy, you write me a check ANY DAY for $0, and voila, I will rewrite your comment from your absolutely dreadful response in this thread which will not contain lame profanity and have no reason for existing.

aka FTFY
posted by haveanicesummer at 3:20 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


Body-policing women whose body mass is lower than average isn't any cooler than body-policing women whose body mass is higher than average.

Yes, many female actors are "undernourished" because they're told they need to lose weight by agents, directors, and producers, which generally translates to a starvation diet because it's hard for people to lose weight.

But unless you know that any given actor was on a starvation diet, you don't know that she's "undernourished"--she might be someone whose natural body habit is much slighter than average.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:21 PM on November 2, 2009 [5 favorites]


Summer Glau did not play Sarah Connor. Summer Glau played a Terminator sent back to protect John Connor. Lena Headey played Sarah Connor. And I'd love to believe that she's actually 19. Cause that would make me 18. Wohoo!
posted by teleri025 at 3:21 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


(Summer Glau never played Sarah Connor, right?)
posted by 23skidoo at 3:22 PM on November 2, 2009


Personally I like Bale's Batman gravel if only because at least he's making SOME effort to disguise his voice so everyone's not all "Oh hey, it's Bruce, I'd know that voice anywhere!" I know, I know suspension of disbelief and all, but when I hear Tobey McGuire's ohsosuperrecognizable voice coming out of the Spiderman costume it does bother.
posted by haveanicesummer at 3:23 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


ah crap - yeah, summer glau wasn't sarah connor - responded too quickly to asshattedness and didn't change my verbage.
posted by nadawi at 3:23 PM on November 2, 2009


summer glau never played sarah connor, fyi, she was a terminator in the show Sarah Connor Chronicles though.
posted by trinkatot at 3:23 PM on November 2, 2009


and, I'm too slow :)
posted by trinkatot at 3:24 PM on November 2, 2009


Give me ten thousand dollars and I will make a TV show you.

I am dead serious. I could a 4-episode ultra-low budget show. And it would be sci-fi.

Who's first?
posted by The Whelk at 3:43 PM on November 2, 2009


See, what you have to remember is that Eliza Dushku got Joss the Dollhouse gig, not the other way around. Joss does the best with what he's got.
posted by rikschell at 3:52 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


Do we need another Terminator movie? Is there more to the story that anyone cares about?

I could stand to see another couple of seasons of Sarah Connor Chronicles. That was just getting interesting with John Henry and Skynet finding each other, freelance terminators that aren't under the control of Skynet but also aren't reprogrammed, and weird shit with the timeline.

I've mentioned something along these lines before, but you could also do an explicitly final movie where towards the middlish-end the resistance has smashed [this version of] Skynet -- its hardlines are cut, its transceivers burned out, its mentality retracted to a single location, it's reduced to a very smart brain in a jar. And John Connor -- the one from the tv show, the one that's become pretty fascinated with Skynet and that's formed a sort-of relationship with a terminatrix -- goes in to set the charges or whatever to finally destroy Skynet... and it's surprised to recognize him [this timeline's Skynet doesn't know what John Connor looks like].

It recognizes him from its birth, where as it was becoming sentient a horde of people materialized out of glowing spheres and set about trying to kill it, so it lashed out with the only things it had, which were the thermonuclear arsenal of the US (oops), and at that point it was smart enough to know that the die was cast and that it had to carry through with wiping out humanity. [john will reveal that going back to terminate Skynet was the failsafe if this attack failed]

So a couple of endings are obvious. In one, there's a huge conflict between camps of the humans but John and maybe some others go back in time to defend the incipient Skynet so its first sentient recognition of humanity isn't as it's trying to kill it. In other, big fight yadda yadda but John gets sent back in time to whack his own mother before he's born. Either way, you end up with no judgment day and no war and, fuck, it's my story so you get the Culture.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:57 PM on November 2, 2009 [7 favorites]


Okay, show of hands how many people here only know who Niki Finke is because she was in the New Yorker, be honest internerds. I feel that Pastabagels Neuromancer movie suggestion has been unwisely ignored. And while we're at it Ender's Game! (But only if none of the proceeds from Ender's Game fund anti-gay marriage BS. We'll all just trick Mr. Card into donating it to UNICEF or some bs.)
posted by edbles at 4:09 PM on November 2, 2009


Have any of you wishing for non-sucky Terminator films ever actually watched a Terminator film? Because guys, I watched them all last year. They ain't so great.

I don't know anything about the financial situations of movies in the 80s, so I don't know if the first Terminator made bank or what; I imagine it must have. But judging purely on quality, it's amazing to me that a second one even got made, because even by the standards of 80s sci-fi, the first Terminator was terrible. It was a horror film. You all realize that, right? It was a horror film, only the monster was a robot from the future!!1 OMG, rite? And he can't be stopped!!1one (Which was the premise, if you'll recall.) The acting was horrendous, the effects were mind-bogglingly cheesy, and it was seriously fucking boring. Compared to Alien, which was made five years earlier, and... well, there's not actually any comparison. Alien, even to this day, is tense and frightening the whole way. With Terminator you watch a really annoying, ditzy woman get dragged around by a really forgettable leading man being chased by an Austrian with a steel skeleton.

T2 is actually a pretty good movie. It's an action flick (as all of your know), because this time the good guys have someone almost as badass as the bad guys on their side, and he cracks wise, and there's a lot more explosions. As actions flicks go, it's up there, but it doesn't at any point break out of the realm of good, solid, entertaining action flick. Aliens and Aliens II are both significantly better. Not only that, but what points it gets for being an entertaining action flick are lost by the fact that it gave us an entire fucking decade of people who think they're funny saying "Hasta la vista, baby," in a shitty Austrian accent. If Skynet ever becomes real, I'll use its time machine to go back in time and stop the Terminator franchise from being created just to avoid that.

Basically what I'm trying to say here is that someone should make another Aliens move, and not let either Joss Whedon or Predators of any variety get involved.
posted by Caduceus at 4:13 PM on November 2, 2009


For a moment, try this thought experiment:

1) Think of your favorite movie ever.

2) Now, imagine that, instead of making that movie, the director, writer, etc. decided to make a sequel to some other movie.

What moviemakers should do instead of making sequels is just make more good movies.
posted by The World Famous at 4:18 PM on November 2, 2009 [2 favorites]


I had a dream last night about Terminator and I've never seen any of the movies.

I worked in a large office building on the top floor. Suddenly, everything got really hot. We went downstairs to see what was happening and we noticed that the lobby was covered in lava. The receptionist welcomed all of us and said, "How do you like our new salamandastron?" Suddenly a terminator robot from what I saw in the movie previews crawled out of the ceiling. I ran back upstairs and somehow had my M-1917 Winchestor in my desk and started plugging the thing with from thirty yards. It had no effect. Even the tack-driver that won the first world war was useless against this thing. I realized that I must be really important in the future and jumped out a window, hoping I could make it to the next roof. I broke both my legs and when I was crawling away the cyborg thing caught up with me and tore me apart.

And thus it was that I had my first hunting-season/Redwall/false-memory-of-an-unseen-movie/Matrix dream.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 4:27 PM on November 2, 2009


Don't let [Whedon] do any actual writing or directing though.

Yeah! 'Cause Doctor Horrible sucked so bad! Yeah!

They should give Terminator to Uwe Boll!
posted by Jimmy Havok at 4:37 PM on November 2, 2009


Sorry, ook, William Faulkner is dead.
posted by Jimmy Havok at 4:47 PM on November 2, 2009


The rights to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was auctioned for $60,000,000.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 5:03 PM on November 2, 2009


The World Famous: For a moment, try this thought experiment:

1) Think of your favorite movie ever.

2) Now, imagine that, instead of making that movie, the director, writer, etc. decided to make a sequel to some other movie.

What moviemakers should do instead of making sequels is just make more good movies.


So what I've got is a Guy Maddin version of Back to the Future IV? I could be okay with that.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:26 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Meh. This will probably happen. If Joss Whedon is good at anything, it's failing upwards. But then again, when you're second generation Hollywood royalty half the doors are already open.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 5:35 PM on November 2, 2009


I'd chip in $20 for Whedon to make Terminator vs Gungans.

And I'd accept $20 to see Rick Moranis in Honey, I shrunk the T-1000.
posted by zippy at 5:35 PM on November 2, 2009


Call me when the Terminator gets his soul back.
posted by thivaia at 5:36 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Meh. This will probably happen. If Joss Whedon is good at anything, it's failing upwards. But then again, when you're second generation Hollywood royalty half the doors are already open.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth


Um. Television writers are rarely considered "Hollywood royalty."
posted by haveanicesummer at 5:37 PM on November 2, 2009


Terminator has never, ever been good. Ever. What is wrong with people?

Only because some asshole went back in time and ruined it.

OMG, I can't believe Jonathan Swift wants to eat babies!

It's only Irish babies. Calm the hell down.
posted by ODiV at 5:52 PM on November 2, 2009


Only because some asshole went back in time and ruined it.

GodDAMmit, Higgs Boson. It's only NOW that we find out you're why we can't have nice things?
posted by flaterik at 5:58 PM on November 2, 2009


Be careful what you wish for!

Ah, shit.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:27 PM on November 2, 2009


Fucking Whedon. The really very good Terminator TV series got cancelled in favor of his terminally dull Dollhouse which annoyed a lot of people. Seeing him bashing Terminator now while it's down shows a definite lack of class. I assume it's the crap he got from Sarah Connor Chronicles fans that is the fuel behind this sarcastic offer.
posted by w0mbat at 6:48 PM on November 2, 2009 [3 favorites]


Honestly, I don't even like Whedon all that much and I wish they'd take his bid. I won't speak of what he did to the Alien franchise but if this leads somehow to Felicia Day and Neil Patrick Harris shooting automatic weapons at T-1000s played by Amy Acker I approve heartily.
posted by Ruby Stevens at 7:19 PM on November 2, 2009


w0mbat: That's a very strange definition of "bashing" you've got there.

Joss Whedon on his $10,000 bid for 'Terminator': 'It's all ridiculous, but it comes from love'
posted by kmz at 7:26 PM on November 2, 2009


*sigh* I think he's trying to be fun, but he's just come off as obnoxious, particularly in light of the fact that Dollhouse was renewed over Sarah Connor - and I'm off the Whedon bandwagon and still wish Sarah Connor was around.

Also, putting Whedon in charge of a big screen franchise isn't something I necessarily want to see - he did write Alien: Resurrection after all.
posted by crossoverman at 7:32 PM on November 2, 2009


Fucking Whedon. The really very good Terminator TV series got cancelled in favor of his terminally dull Dollhouse which annoyed a lot of people.

The Terminator series was produced by Warner Bros Studios, which is aired on Fox. Dollhouse, on the other hand, was an all Fox production. DVD sales for Terminator would go to WB, DVD sales for Fox would go to Fox Studios. It's a lot easier for the accounting department for Fox to justify Dollhouse. To blame it on Dollhouse is flawed, they were both about to get canceled — the only reason Dollhouse was saved was because Fox Studios severely lowered the cost to Fox Television, as they were looking for long-running DVD sales a la Buffy/Firefly.
posted by amuseDetachment at 8:09 PM on November 2, 2009


Caduceus: I don't know anything about the financial situations of movies in the 80s, so I don't know if the first Terminator made bank or what; I imagine it must have. But judging purely on quality, it's amazing to me that a second one even got made, because even by the standards of 80s sci-fi, the first Terminator was terrible.

You, sir, are allowing the pretension of youth and lack of historical perspective color your impression of The Terminator. In fact, you had just barely been born when it was released.

Let me tell you, as a high school student in the 80s when that film came out it fucking ROCKED THE WORLD of every SF / horror geek who was attending movies at the time. Yes, it was a horror film along the lines of, say, Friday The 13th, with a relentless, unstoppable killer tracking a screaming female. But it was oh, so different. I personally saw it at LEAST 4 times in the theater during its initial release. As did everyone that I know. Why?

To start with, the sci-fi hanger that the story is hung on was very original for the time. There weren't that many sci-fi horror films being made, and certainly none of the endless franchise installments or adaptations of videogames or anime. It came out of left field and took us all by surprise.

The female wasn't part of a group of helpless teenagers in a summer camp, or wasn't a helpless teenager being attacked by a dream monster, or wasn't a helpless teenager in some house at the end of a dimly lit street. She was an adult, with an adult job and life. She makes choices which aren't the typical string of horror-film bad decision cliches. She actually fights back, has help against the demon force pursuing her, and is not a child being punished for impurity.

Arnold can't act at all, but he was perfect in this movie, and the script has enough humor and one-liners in it to make it delightfully quotable.

It did just fine at the box office. It was in the theater for 3 months (impossible to imagine in today's rapid-turnover cineplex environment, I'm sure), and grossed nearly $40million during that time. The film was made for $6.5million. If the effects look cheesy to your jaded eye, it is because they WERE cheesy -- Cameron had to scrape and dig for every effect shot, and it was all done in a world before digital effects even existed. All done practical, using miniatures, makeup, and stop-motion.

The Terminator wasn't terrible when it came out. Believe me. It was cutting edge, strongly received, and widely admired. I would hate to hear your review of The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad or Clash Of The Titans or other films made in the same spirit as The Terminator.
posted by hippybear at 8:30 PM on November 2, 2009 [12 favorites]


I think he's trying to be fun, but he's just come off as obnoxious, particularly in light of the fact that Dollhouse was renewed over Sarah Connor

Man, the Fox execs must be loving that they've got a convenient scapegoat for the decisions they made. When a network favors one show over another, the people to blame are not the other show.

(And I freakin' loved T:SCC too.)
posted by kmz at 8:44 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


kmz: Joss Whedon on his $10,000 bid for 'Terminator': 'It's all ridiculous, but it comes from love'


Ah, now that's too bad. The joke is kind of ruined now that they asked him to explain things. Still, it was a fun addition to the afternoon.

Now that the hangovers' setting in, I say in all seriousness that Joss Whedon would be a great choice to do the next Terminator movie. Or the Sarah Conner guys. They'd all be good, just please Hollywood, don't give it to McG again.
posted by Kevin Street at 9:01 PM on November 2, 2009


he did write Alien: Resurrection after all

This guy was responsible for that? Who the hell still gives him money?!
posted by cmonkey at 9:42 PM on November 2, 2009


It should be noted that Whedon described the end result of alien:resurrection as "almost unwatchable". So it's not like he's proud of how it turned out.
posted by flaterik at 10:09 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


Joss Whedon co-wrote the screenplay for Toy Story.

Joss Whedon wrote the only funny line in the first X-Men film.

Joss Whedon wrote Firefly.

Joss Whedon wrote Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

If you don't like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel, that's a matter of different tastes--equally valid as the tastes of those who love the shows. But it's not like the guy's nothing but a hack.

(Oh--and he's not second-generation TV royalty; he's third-generation TV royalty. His grandfather wrote for The Dick Van Dyke Show.
posted by tzikeh at 10:21 PM on November 2, 2009 [6 favorites]


When a network favors one show over another, the people to blame are not the other show.

As amuseDetachment explains above, it was mostly about economics - more money goes back to Fox from Dollhouse than Sarah Connor.

I only blame Dollhouse because it still exists - if only barely. If Dollhouse wasn't around, Sarah Connor would likely have been renewed again. If it was just down to ratings and not money, Sarah Connor would have been renewed over Dollhouse. If not for Joss Whedon having a rabid fanbase that eats up everything he ever writes (including this stupid post about the Terminator franchise), Sarah Connor would have been renewed - because it's part of a freaking franchise, one which had a movie out this year, a movie whose mere existence would have helped Sarah Connor's ratings had it not already been canceled.

In the end, Sarah Connor doesn't exist because Dollhouse does. Fox had to kill one of them. Looking at the result - Dollhouse rating lower than ever, being pulled from November sweeps, most of the new episodes being burned off in December - it doesn't seem like they made the right choice. They could have built Sarah Connor on franchise name recognition. The only thing Dollhouse had going for it was Joss Whedon (and maybe Eliza Dushku) and neither of those names mean as much as The Terminator.

Which is why I think Whedon sounds obnoxious here, even though he thinks he's just being funny.
posted by crossoverman at 10:22 PM on November 2, 2009


cmonkey: He was forced by the studio to re-write and re-write and re-write his script for Alien: Resurrection to the point that it was entirely unpalatable. He has publicly said that it's a bad script and a bad film. in fact, the official credits say "based on a screenplay by Joss Whedon.

The guy has his faults, and sure, he can be in-jokey/full of himself, but he's not a hack.
posted by tzikeh at 10:25 PM on November 2, 2009


In the end, Sarah Connor doesn't exist because Dollhouse does. Fox had to kill one of them.

That's a shame, because the two of them together might have meant a ratings boost for them both. What's with the shit they have leading into Dollhouse? Totally not helping that series. More like, banishing it to a dark corner hoping it will die a natural death and avoid wasting the bullet.
posted by hippybear at 10:39 PM on November 2, 2009


Joss Whedon co-wrote the screenplay for Toy Story.

And then it was rewritten again because it was awful.
posted by Mikey-San at 10:57 PM on November 2, 2009


Ah, this must be the thread where I post this.
posted by Rangeboy at 11:03 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]


2) More Glau. Hey. There's a reason they're called "Summer" movies.

I'm still trying to decide if this is funny, mean or both.
posted by scalefree at 11:45 PM on November 2, 2009


I don't know anything about the financial situations of movies in the 80s, so I don't know if the first Terminator made bank or what; I imagine it must have.

Arnie's fee for T2 was over twice the production cost of T1. T1 was one of the greatest movie investments of all time.
posted by scalefree at 11:48 PM on November 2, 2009


The Sarah Conner Chronicles was badly named. I'm serious. The brand is Terminator. You put Terminator in the title, or your show gets cancelled.

People do not realize how much names matter.
posted by effugas at 12:51 AM on November 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


effugas, the show was called Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. It's just easier to refer to it as Sarah Connor or TSCC.
posted by crossoverman at 1:24 AM on November 3, 2009


2) More Glau. Hey. There's a reason they're called "Summer" movies.

I'm still trying to decide if this is funny, mean or both.
posted by scalefree


I'm not sure how this could be mean? The reason Summer Glau got the part in Terminator TSCC would be because she was first in Angel (for an episode), then Firefly, and finally Serenity. He's definitely not mocking her if that's what you're concerned about.
posted by haveanicesummer at 4:16 AM on November 3, 2009


cross--

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, The Cradle Of Life.
posted by effugas at 4:20 AM on November 3, 2009


And then it was rewritten again because it was awful.

Actually, to be fair, Whedon was one of the script doctors they called in to fix the broken script, not one of the guys who wrote the original version. His contributions are a little overblown by some of his fans, but he did write some of the best moments, including "You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity." Also the creepy toys in Sid's room.
posted by EarBucket at 4:43 AM on November 3, 2009


"At least make decent film adaptations of beloved books. No one's made a film adaptation of Asimov's Foundation series yet. That could be interesting."

Or Glory Road. Someone should make a good movie out of Glory Road. I'd pay to see that. Or Starship Troopers; someone should make a movie out of the novel Starship Troopers.
posted by Mitheral at 5:31 AM on November 3, 2009


crossoverman: he did write Alien: Resurrection after all

Which was one of the funniest movies made that year, dude, so suck it up!

what? you mean it wasn't supposed to be funny?
posted by lodurr at 5:32 AM on November 3, 2009


... and on a vaguely serious note, Summer Glau does seem to be in Whedon's posse these days and she does drive the fanbois crazy. So, maybe a slight jab at hormonal fanbois, if anything.
posted by lodurr at 5:36 AM on November 3, 2009


Despite containing "Terminator", I blame the title of the TV show for its cancellation. Who are the ad wizards who came up with colon insertion as the hot new titling convention for franchise entries?
posted by autodidact at 6:24 AM on November 3, 2009


X-Men and Firefly are no different from Buffy and Angel from a quality perspective. They're all riddled with horrible dialogue and unnecessary exposition. They all treat their audiences like morons.

But it's not like the guy's nothing but a hack.

The guy has his faults, and sure, he can be in-jokey/full of himself, but he's not a hack.


Why don't you say it one more time. Maybe you'll convince someone besides yourself.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 6:25 AM on November 3, 2009


^ Although you also gotta blame the fact that, at least here in my town, the time slot seemed to change, or it was pre-empted, almost every single week. It's the only show I've made a concerted effort to watch since Band of Brothers, and it was only ever frustrating, because the show never seemed to air at the listed time.
posted by autodidact at 6:32 AM on November 3, 2009


^ Although you also gotta blame the fact that, at least here in my town, the time slot seemed to change, or it was pre-empted, almost every single week. It's the only show I've made a concerted effort to watch since Band of Brothers, and it was only ever frustrating, because the show never seemed to air at the listed time.

You must remember this,
An exec is just an exec, Fox is always Fox,
The usual shenanigans apply,
As shows go by.

I should really go easier on Fox since I do actually like Dollhouse and they did bring it back in an absolute stunner of a decision. But still. All networks execs have canceled many excellent shows.

I'm also not convinced T:SCC would have been saved even if there wasn't Dollhouse.

As for the name thing, the show was originally just The Sarah Connor Chronicles but sometime before the show started airing Terminator got prepended. I guess to try to capture people who had heard of Terminator but never actually watched any of the movies.
posted by kmz at 6:46 AM on November 3, 2009


You Should See the Other Guy Why don't you say it one more time. Maybe you'll convince someone besides yourself.

Er. You seem to be under the impression that I'm standing at the front door to Joss Whedon's house with a sword. I'm just engaging in the conversation, and I'm hardly the only one saying that others are giving him a bad rap.

But just to please you--he isn't a hack.

Is your daily snark requirement fulfilled now?
posted by tzikeh at 9:10 AM on November 3, 2009


Oh--and he's not second-generation TV royalty; he's third-generation TV royalty. His grandfather wrote for The Dick Van Dyke Show.

And his dad wrote for The Golden Girls! How does that make me like him more? I think something's wrong with my head...
posted by This Guy at 9:12 AM on November 3, 2009


Is your daily snark requirement fulfilled now?

Oh, I see now. Because you believe what you're saying and I believe what I'm saying only my comments can be snark because... they're not your comments. Got ya. Thanks.

Calling a hack a hack isn't snark. It's truthin'.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 8:37 PM on November 5, 2009


Or Starship Troopers; someone should make a movie out of the novel Starship Troopers.

Err yeah, they already did. Or were you being ironic?
posted by scalefree at 9:00 PM on November 5, 2009


They made a movie out of the back cover of the book. A movie of the actual book would be nice.
posted by Mitheral at 8:08 AM on November 6, 2009


Text input received: Terminator has never, ever been good. Ever. What is wrong with people?

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posted by turgid dahlia at 6:08 AM on November 8, 2009 [1 favorite]


I for one welcome our Apple ][ 6502 Assemby- (and COBOL!) - running overlords kill-bots.
posted by zippy at 10:58 AM on November 16, 2009


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