Armored Car Without Phallus. Let’s Save The Whales!

November 11, 2009 5:15 PM

"One month ago Dartz presented uberluxury armored car with whale penis interior - PROMBRON... As the world’s resonance was very huge and Dartz got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, Dartz make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior."
posted by gemmy (41 comments total)

Dorks.
posted by darksasami at 5:20 PM on November 11 [7 favorites]

I'll give up the whale penis -- when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:22 PM on November 11 [1 favorite]

I like how they admitted in their own press release that they simply chose the most expensive materials without doing any research and then slapped the car together. It will take a special combination of super villainy, lack of taste and status insecurity to plunk down a mil for one of these bad boys.
posted by Spacelegoman at 5:23 PM on November 11

I would never purchase a car from a company that can't spell "leather."

Whale penis leather is still in better taste than some sort of phony leather material to line the capacious interior of a discerning oligarch's armored land yacht.
posted by knoyers at 5:23 PM on November 11

Three bottles of £790,000 vodka and meanwhile I'm scratching around in my pockets for three bucks to get a pot of Tooheys New.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:24 PM on November 11

See, their big mistake was that they didn't stuff the cushions with spotted owl feathers.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 5:24 PM on November 11 [3 favorites]

Dartz make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior.

Please stop all of your plans, Dartz.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:32 PM on November 11

If Rome can have vomitoriums, our elite can have a bucket of whale dicks.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:32 PM on November 11 [1 favorite]

...for some values of "elite."
posted by Phred182 at 5:36 PM on November 11

Every public space is my vomitorium.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:36 PM on November 11

I guess Russia's wealthiest citizens still have gobs of money to burn.
posted by clockzero at 5:44 PM on November 11

They seem to like the letter "Z" for some reason...
posted by c13 at 5:44 PM on November 11

I really thought this would be an elaborate Yes Men type prank. I really hoped it was. But the truth is that nobody can depress me like the Russians.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:46 PM on November 11

Can you imagine what would happen if that penis car met Kill Bill's Pussy Wagon on busy freeway?
posted by qvantamon at 5:46 PM on November 11 [1 favorite]

I think if I needed a car with bulletproof windows, the damn things better not take 30 seconds to roll up.
posted by itchylick at 5:48 PM on November 11

Armored Car which was a tribune for new commy Tzar Lenin at 1917.
Armored Car which was last soviet car of Trozky.
They Drive It!

Communism Is Soviet Power Plus The Erection Of The Whale Upholstery
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 5:49 PM on November 11

Moby Dick
posted by jonp72 at 5:50 PM on November 11

If there's no whale penis leather interior, can we get Narwhal leather or Clubbed Baby Newfoundland Seal leather?
posted by thewalrus at 5:50 PM on November 11

(Shit. Yes I know a Narwhal is a whale. But there's definitely some whales thay are still hunted legitimately by the native people of northern Canada. Why not buy some leather?)
posted by thewalrus at 5:51 PM on November 11

It took me waaaay too long to realize that it was made from real penis.
posted by captainsohler at 5:52 PM on November 11

....unsurprisingly, Dartz has announced that plastic dashboard paneling made from genuine Pamela Anderson will be available on next year's model.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:11 PM on November 11 [5 favorites]

If there were such a thing, it would have shown up as an option at one of those online custom corsetry/boot/flogger shops. What domina could resist lingerie made from actual cock? Google shows nuthin' on the topic apart from this Russian luxo-SUV. Hoax.
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:12 PM on November 11

Can you imagine what would happen if that penis car met Kill Bill's Pussy Wagon on busy freeway?

I am pretty sure J. G. Ballard wrote a novel where this happened.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:34 PM on November 11 [3 favorites]

If there's no whale penis leather interior, can we get Narwhal leather or Clubbed Baby Newfoundland Seal leather?
posted by thewalrus at 6:50 PM on November 11 [+] [!]

No love for your fellow sea-loving mammals, eh?

Anyway, I'm glad you said narwhals because now I can post this awesome video: (contains cartoon narwhals and PG-13 references.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykwqXuMPsoc
posted by NikitaNikita at 7:19 PM on November 11

'It is inspired by the original playboy Aristotle Onassis' yacht Christina O, which had bar stool seats made from sperm whale foreskin.

Let's not rush to judgment. Are they actually killing the whales or is it catch-circumsize-and-release?
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 7:56 PM on November 11 [3 favorites]

Yo check out my new ride. You know what the seats are? Whale penis no homo.
posted by nosila at 8:13 PM on November 11 [1 favorite]

I went to my room and thought about my actions, and I would like to apologize. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

cause I should have said "whale dick no homo."
posted by nosila at 8:20 PM on November 11

That website looks like it should be for a Serbian-themed private security firm with a penchant for taking over small American towns.

Also, their website is awfully unclear as to who actually makes the vehicles. Given their horrible web design, I'm under the impression that all they really do is fit fancy interiors to existing vehicles. Who wants to buy a million-pound vehicle from someone who can't afford good English-language proofreading, much less good web design?

And somehow, it comes as no surprise to me that this is a Russian operation. The Russians I've lived with (and the Ukranians, and the Bulgarians*) have been the most disgusting consumerists I've ever met.

*except for one. tanya, i miss drinking, complaining about capitalism and talking moomintroll and black metal with you.
posted by dunkadunc at 8:22 PM on November 11

Low brow joke of the day:

I guess pamela anderson loves the whale penis.
posted by djduckie at 8:42 PM on November 11

The car is made by the company that produced armoured vehicles for Vladimir Lenin, Leon Trotsky, and Tsar Nicolas.

Heh. There's some serious delicious irony to be found in that. And in whale penis.
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:32 PM on November 11

I'm seriously considering changing my name to Tungsteen Exchaust.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:51 PM on November 11

If Rome can have vomitoriums, our elite can have a bucket of whale dicks.

That's an odd equivalence.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:16 PM on November 11 [1 favorite]

I'm holding out for the PRECIOUS AMBERGRIS! interior.

Whale biologist
posted by Rhaomi at 11:49 PM on November 11

From Hell's heart, I ... say, these are really comfortable seats!
posted by zippy at 11:52 PM on November 11 [3 favorites]

I'm holding out for the PRECIOUS AMBERGRIS! interior.

Is this some sort of gag?

Clouseau: AMBERBURGER
posted by zippy at 11:54 PM on November 11

Whale Penis or not -- that thing is ugly -- and someone has to pity the fool who displays this vodka as art. Really -- as art -- until his brother in law drinks it during a binge and fills the empty "frame" with water. I think I will display a bottle of some ordinary vodka, just tell people it is low brow art.
posted by RubberHen at 5:58 AM on November 12

Save the whale penis!
posted by Scoo at 9:08 AM on November 12

Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
smells like a steak whale dong and seats thirty-five...
posted by rusty at 9:42 AM on November 12 [1 favorite]

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
posted by LakesideOrion at 1:31 PM on November 12

If you rub the seat it turns into a sofa.
posted by zippy at 2:52 PM on November 12 [4 favorites]

walks inside and starts searching through the medicine and liquor cabinets, desperately trying to erase this topic and their website from his personal cosmology...
posted by Samizdata at 5:21 PM on November 14