Got Wood?

November 15, 2009 8:12 AM

Get a glass of Harvey's Bristol Cream, put on some funky 1970's music, sit back, and feast your eyes on some glorious Wood Porn! (SFW) "Oh, baby, you got some great vascular cambium!" "Yeah, that is some hard oak, drill me, baby!"
posted by Drasher (34 comments total)

This is so cool, and yet at the same time I'm a little more ... moved by the ones with the roots still in the ground.
posted by jessamyn at 8:19 AM on November 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

That certainly is some wood.

Suggested soundtrack: Root Down, by the Beastie Boys.
posted by Artw at 8:19 AM on November 15, 2009

Yeah! A freaking bar IN a tree! Not a bar ON a tree (which would be cool), but a bar IN a freaking tree.
posted by Artw at 8:20 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Loving the crotch shots on the walnut and mahogany!
posted by Max Power at 8:44 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was board. This obviously some weird splinter group, lumbering through life. I could see some of that wood becoming fins studs someday, though.
posted by jonmc at 8:55 AM on November 15, 2009

Feynman on trees - they grow out of the air.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:59 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Watching a big burly guy bust a cherry out of a virgin forest goes against my grain.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:14 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's remarkable how many different meanings you can come up with for the sentence "I got wood from that site."
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:18 AM on November 15, 2009

jessamyn: "This is so cool, and yet at the same time I'm a little more ... moved by the ones with the roots still in the ground."

Derrick Jensen:

That brings to mind a great line by a Canadian lumberman: “When I look at trees I see dollar bills.” If when you look at trees, you see dollar bills, you’ll treat them one way. If when you look at trees, you see trees, you’ll treat them differently. If when you look at this particular tree you see this particular tree, you’ll treat it differently still.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:19 AM on November 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'd hit it.

with a hammer
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 9:37 AM on November 15, 2009

Some good uses for some lovely pieces of wood.
posted by jimmythefish at 9:38 AM on November 15, 2009

More nature porn [nsfw].

Of particular note: vulvatree and dongtree.
posted by idiopath at 9:42 AM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

“Imagine this design project: Design something that makes oxygen, sequesters carbon, fixes nitrogen, distills water, provides habitat for hundred of species, accrues solar energy as fuel, makes complex sugars and food, creates microclimates, changes colors with the seasons, and self replicates. Yeah…Why don’t we knock that down and write on it…”
~William McDonough
posted by sswiller at 9:45 AM on November 15, 2009

If you like the way it looks, you should check out the mouthfeel. Heaven.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 9:54 AM on November 15, 2009

With a virgin crotch that nice, I'd feel bad nailing it.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 9:59 AM on November 15, 2009

Mmmm, walnut crotches.
posted by Pallas Athena at 10:00 AM on November 15, 2009

idiopath: Chromium is warning me that the site you linked to contains malware.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2009

Thanks for the tip, using Linux it's like that stuff might as well not even exist most of the time. I'll flag it for deletion.
posted by idiopath at 10:15 AM on November 15, 2009

A++++ WOULD GET WOOD AGAIN

Seriously, I've bought from these guys. Great company."
posted by cmoj at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2009

And here I thought you were linking to this bizarre woodworking porn story by the man behind the Bastard Operator from Hell.

(Intentionally stupid but still porny, so probably NSFW, text)
posted by Kalthare at 10:31 AM on November 15, 2009

That's it?

Just slabs of fucking wood being ogled by wood-lovers??

If I was a tree I'd get an order of protection from these people.
posted by Skygazer at 12:09 PM on November 15, 2009

Sez Skygazer.
posted by mazola at 12:28 PM on November 15, 2009

I can see that some of these came from impressively large trees, but for the most part - I don't get it. Oak trees (and these seem like mostly oaks) do that, if you leave them alone for a few centuries.

This site would do well to give some explanation for each picture, and why the author considers them impressive enough to make a web page featuring them. Unless he means it as a sort of storefront for rich weirdos looking to get single-slab banquet tables. No, in that case, it still needs some exposition.

But a few cool pics, anyway...
posted by pla at 1:44 PM on November 15, 2009

You don't have to chop them down, you can just paint them.
posted by tellurian at 2:11 PM on November 15, 2009

Check out the mined lumber!
posted by Red Loop at 2:58 PM on November 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

I never seem to like any kind of porn. As for this example, I cry for the trees that are no more.
posted by bearwife at 3:51 PM on November 15, 2009

Maybe these trees died of natural causes.
posted by Hicksu at 4:20 PM on November 15, 2009

pla: If you're into wood, or woodworking, the pictures do not need to be justified with explanation. Basically, that's some really pretty wood. It has nothing much to do with the size of the trees -- quality hardwoods all tend to come from big trees. The one exception is the thirty feet of clear English oak. Thirty feet, with no branches (ergo knots) at all. And he bookmatched it. If you'll excuse me, I need another drool mop.
posted by rusty at 7:47 PM on November 15, 2009

I looked up bookmatching.... "Bookmatching is the practice of matching two (or more) wood surfaces, so that two adjoining surfaces mirror each other in appearance, thus giving the impression of an opened book. This is done only on ornate objects, such as furniture, violins, guitars or the interior of super luxury cars such as Rolls Royce cars." The more I read of this guy's site the more it's clear that he just completely and totally loves what he does which is fun to read.
posted by jessamyn at 7:51 PM on November 15, 2009

"Bookmatching is the practice of matching two (or more) wood surfaces, so that two adjoining surfaces mirror each other in appearance, thus giving the impression of an opened book. This is done only on ornate objects, such as furniture, violins,

...or, for some mysterious reason, houses photographed by Edgar Martins...

Oh yeah. I went there.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:30 PM on November 15, 2009

Why is it that people cry for the trees that are no more, but no one bemoans the sweet corn that is no more? Why did no one protest when my neighbor clear cut his lawn the other day and then threw the harvest away?
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 4:26 AM on November 16, 2009

Because growing a giant tree takes hundreds of years and grass and corn both grow back relatively quickly so there's a bigger resource and time investment in these large trees making them more unique and more representative of more time? But I suspect you knew that.
posted by jessamyn at 5:31 AM on November 16, 2009

The grass will grow back in a week, the corn in a season. When great trees are gone they're gone for generations; you'll never see them again. The very civilization that you recognize as your own will never see them again. And what jessamyn said.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:54 AM on November 16, 2009

Well now those are some seriously amazing, beautiful, unique pieces of wood. I understand a person being upset that great trees have been cut (assuming they didn't fall for other reasons), but I think one can also take comfort in the fact that the trees will not be used to make paper or pencils or something. That wood will live on in amazing pieces of art that will last for centuries.

Also I am insanely jealous of poeple that have jobs that involve doing anything at all with wood like that. Curse you all!
posted by bepe at 11:07 AM on November 16, 2009