Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows: You don't find Chuck Norris; he finds you.

November 18, 2009 1:01 PM

Autocomplete Me: feeling lucky just got weirder.
posted by not_on_display (63 comments total)

I don't know how these people got their cats stuck in google but it made me giggle repeatedly.
posted by Babblesort at 1:05 PM on November 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

I do this when I'm bored. Glad I'm not the only one.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 1:07 PM on November 18, 2009

I was just thinking about posting this.

My first reaction was "this is bull shit, its just showing the suggestions that people have pre-entered on their browser."...but then i tested some and they are for real.

Some seem too odd to be actual good semantic suggestions from google's engine. But actually some hilarious or catchy search result is making these bubble up.
posted by cbecker333 at 1:08 PM on November 18, 2009

People scare me.
posted by tommasz at 1:10 PM on November 18, 2009

I saw one the other day that went something like how can I make my parakeet eat my diarrhea?
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:13 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Has anyone else ever had the flip side of this? Where you search for something (for a perfectly good reason!) but as you hit enter, you think "Boy, this is gonna look weird if it ever comes up as an autocomplete..."

Um, yeah. Me neither.
posted by rusty at 1:13 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Having never done this, I tried something simple

"what"

which resulted in

"what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad"

I think I'm gonna go turn off the computer now and hit my router with a big rock.
posted by The Whelk at 1:14 PM on November 18, 2009 [18 favorites]

posted by cbecker333:
"Some seem too odd to be actual good semantic suggestions from google's engine. But actually some hilarious or catchy search result is making these bubble up."

A lot of them are lyrics snippets and quotes that you may not be familiar with.
posted by not_on_display at 1:16 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Jesus never did show up with the pork chops. That flake.
posted by rusty at 1:16 PM on November 18, 2009

I got some pretty weird ones just from entering "why" with nothing else. I don't think it can be chalked up to lyrics. Are lulz communities of some kind gaming this by doing ridiculous synchronized searches?
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 1:19 PM on November 18, 2009

FWIW, many of these off auto-completes are lines from comedians or films. The world isn't entirely mad. Well, I mean, it is, but Google isn't.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:20 PM on November 18, 2009

Hilarious.
posted by amro at 1:21 PM on November 18, 2009

Remember when Google Suggest was brand new, way back at the dawn of the AJAX revolution? Man, that was some cool tech¹. It's amazing how quickly simple things like auto-completion became commonplace on the web.

On a related note, them there funny pictures sure is funny.

¹ Even though it had been around for years and nobody paid it any mind until GMail came around
posted by The Lurkers Support Me in Email at 1:21 PM on November 18, 2009

FWIW, many of these off auto-completes are lines from comedians or films. The world isn't entirely mad. Well, I mean, it is, but Google isn't.

If it w|eren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college

Yup.
posted by explosion at 1:23 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

This reminds me of the MacBook Wheel, with Predictive Sentence Technology.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:25 PM on November 18, 2009

I was in a sort of icebreaker/game show situation where we had to predict, Family Feud style, what the results would be of certain autocomplete phrases.

"why is my"
"can I"
"how do you"

are all good. I'm part of a group on facebook who is trying to get "why are librarians so" to autocomplete with "sexy" and not "mean" which I think is some sort of victory.
posted by jessamyn at 1:25 PM on November 18, 2009 [11 favorites]

There's also Mystery Google: you get what the person before you searched for.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 1:25 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

"I saw one the other day that went something like how can I make my parakeet eat my diarrhea?"

why won't my parakeet eat my diarrhea
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 1:25 PM on November 18, 2009

This isn't funny.

I really did have to poop a lot so that I could be this hot.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:26 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think AskMe should have an auto complete form.

Should I eat...
Should I eat this corpse I'm trying to get rid of?
Should I eat this three week old egg salad?
Should I eat my words after this argument with my girlfriend?
Should I eat a bowl of dicks, as advised to on Metatalk?
posted by bondcliff at 1:28 PM on November 18, 2009 [22 favorites]

Is it possible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour?
There is nothing that keeps wicked men at any one moment out of hell but the mere pleasure of god.
Does anyone know Joe Jonas's cell phone number?
posted by Iridic at 1:29 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is the best one.
posted by Damn That Television at 1:34 PM on November 18, 2009 [10 favorites]

...I'm actually surprised that THEY were surprised that "what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow" showed up. That's, like, the nerd shibboleth.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:34 PM on November 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'm part of a group on facebook who is trying to get "why are librarians so" to autocomplete with "sexy" and not "mean" which I think is some sort of victory.

The problem is that people who think librarians are sexy will, if they want to know why, of course ask their local sexy reference librarian for researching tips. Whereas the people who think librarians are mean will do no such thing, because librarians are mean, and will google for the answer instead. So one group is disproportionately represented in google's search history.
posted by kenko at 1:35 PM on November 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

I saw nerd shibboleth in concert. Frakin awesome show.
posted by Babblesort at 1:35 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is it wrong to sleep with your sister?
posted by fixedgear at 1:40 PM on November 18, 2009

how can ...
posted by YoBananaBoy at 1:40 PM on November 18, 2009

What are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad

I had to click on this to see what is was, and was well rewarded with a wonderful amazon review. A sample:

First of all, a warning. This book is packed with such useful and POWERFUL information, it should be approached with caution. Amazon has not provided a synopsis, and rightly so. I attempted to download a summary to my computer and my monitor EXPLODED.

posted by scrutiny at 1:48 PM on November 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

what's the name of that song?

[though I'm glad my favorite rocketship underpants got a mention.]
posted by alynnk at 1:50 PM on November 18, 2009

What are you eople doing not clicking on Scrutiny's link?

"The only negative I can give about this book is the fact that reaching the end of it will give you an intense sadness. The only parallel I can construct for the amount of sorrow this will cause is to beseech you to imagine yourself as a T-rex in a room full of T-ball poles and large soapy bubbles. Your stubby arms would render the pleasure-power of this room woefully out of reach. Only the strong-willed should undertake reading this book."
posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on November 18, 2009

jessamyn: librarians are autocompletes with "hiding something"

Care to comment? Hmm?
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 2:04 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I can't own a Canadian?

WHAT. THE. FUCK. GOOGLE.
posted by jason's_planet at 2:06 PM on November 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

"am" suggests "am I pregnant"
"can" suggests "can you get pregnant on your period"
"could" suggests "could I be pregnant"

Other forms of "to be" seem to be preoccupied with whether or not Lady Gaga is a man.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:07 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

So... why is a raven like a writing desk?


Because there is a B in both and an N in neither.
posted by edgeways at 2:08 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

librarians who say mofo
posted by billysumday at 2:09 PM on November 18, 2009

"Is it possible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour?"

in days past, a vest-wearing black bearded friend and I were heavy into the weights.

thus, we were heavy into large scale guzzling and gulping.

such consumption was abetted by the steaming, pumping machines of the cafeteria; god, to relive the caloric galore.

here dualities die with time: one of us had the idea to attempt the gallon challenge.

let me instruct you for a moment. those cafeteria glasses, (ribbed plastic, a constant milkiness, ripening disinfectant) 11 and a half make one gallon. to assure success, we had a scheme.

days 1, 2 6 glasses at lunch and dinner
days 3, 4 7 glasses
days 5, 6 8 glasses
days 7, 8 9 glasses

9 was hard, we decided to proceed to the test itself, no use in letting one's will be bent.

let me say now, that we accomplished our goal. narrative climax is of no use in this story. there is only what happened.

once a man drinks (i say man, we were men) so much milk, there are effects. suddenly the butt is on the edge of the seat, the back is arched against the chairback, and the belly lies fat and round on the legs. a sloshing, as of the conch, is heard upon movement, and passerby veer, for bloated, beached whales are no sight for human eyes.

the saddest touch is the mind, where it is as if some low grade street drug has tiptoed in, waited behind the brainstem, then leaped onto the basal ganglia right around glass ten. thoughts slow, a general sickness enters the bloodstream, and a great and powerful lethargy seeps into the bones. it is like meditation, a more complete coupling with the present, except the present mostly exists in the radical, pregnant stomach.
posted by past at 2:19 PM on November 18, 2009 [32 favorites]

One of my colleagues was teaching freshman astronomy and talking about the giant Magellan telescope. He had been showing them pictures of various other things on the classroom projector, and wanted to show them some of the concept art. The trouble was, he had forgotten the "Magellan" part. He wanted to show off his google-fu and glibly told the students that a search for "giant telescope" would probably find it. He proceeded to try this on the lectern PC (still piped through the projector). As soon as he finished "giant te," autocomplete kindly suggested a different seven final letters, and he lost the class to a period of uproarious laughter for a good couple minutes.
posted by 7segment at 2:23 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

...I'm actually surprised that THEY were surprised that "what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow" showed up. That's, like, the nerd shibboleth.

Considering that the title of that entry is "African or European?", I think "surprised" may be overstating it.
posted by Errant at 2:26 PM on November 18, 2009

The evolution of a relationship, by Google Autocomplete:

Is he the one?
Is he into me?
Is he cheating?
Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
Is he a player?
Is herpes curable?
posted by splice at 2:28 PM on November 18, 2009 [12 favorites]

/me types "how t"

How to get pregnant
Freally??
posted by heyho at 2:28 PM on November 18, 2009

what would je

gave me

what would jesus do for a klondike bar

Heh.
posted by DU at 2:36 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

"If I ate myself would I become twice as big or disappear completely?"

/me achieves enlightenment.
posted by pompomtom at 2:37 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

You know when you have a private little thing that tickles you, and you feel like sharing it with the world, and maybe tell a few friends about it, and they sort of dig it, but you're not sure if the whole world will enjoy it or just think it's stupid? So you kick around the idea of starting a blog about it and maybe even start collecting some images in a folder tucked away on your computer, but you're still not sure if there's enough material there, or if the world would just sort of look at what you've done, make a snarky comment about how much free time you have, and move on? You know how sometimes you just let ideas like this lie fallow for awhile? But then you start to notice trends on the internet, like people asking Google why their parakeet won't eat their diarrhea? And within a few days of that, you notice other sites start playing around with the same idea, and you think, if only I'd started that blog... maybe I will now? So you go back to collecting images, and think maybe you'll get it up and running in a week or two (or maybe not because you're a bit lazy)? And then you log on to Metafilter and discover someone else has just started a blog dealing with the exact same strange subject you were planning on covering? And then you feel kind of shitty because you have all these great ideas that you never get around to doing, and when you see other people doing it, you get some validation from it, but at the same time you're like fuck I'm an idiot for not getting off my virtual ass and actually making my cool ideas happen? And then you want to be all like "I had that idea 6 months ago," but knowing the snark culture online you know no one will care, or even believe you? And you're kind of a douche for trying to get at least a few sympathy favourites out of it? Anybody know what that feels like?
posted by yellowbinder at 2:47 PM on November 18, 2009 [24 favorites]

Ok that's out of my system. It's definitely a funny blog, and any resentment I have for not getting there first I can deal with. The early bird and all that. If they get a book deal though, I will be pissed.
posted by yellowbinder at 2:54 PM on November 18, 2009

From the bottom of the page:

Copyright © 2009 Autocomplete Me

I bet the authors of this page were happy that The Copyright Extension Act extended copyright terms to life of the author plus 70 years so his heirs can continue to benefit financially from the site long after he is gone.
posted by digsrus at 3:04 PM on November 18, 2009

[tig]
posted by sciurus at 3:08 PM on November 18, 2009

Some strange behaviour: I was just trying to see what it says when you ask why does my (various family members)... when you type in "why does my da" you get results for Dad, Daughter, etc, but when you complete "why does my dad," all the autocompletes are for "why does my dog." Hmmmm...
posted by yellowbinder at 3:20 PM on November 18, 2009

@fixedgear: How did you get to, "Is it wrong to sleep with your sister?" when you had to skip the much more provocative and rare, "is it wrong to sleep with your step dad after your mom dies?"
posted by A-Train at 3:36 PM on November 18, 2009

"is it wrong to sleep with your step dad after your mom dies?"

posted by one DloreHaze on yahoo Answers.
posted by The Whelk at 3:39 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

"testicles".

Do I win a prize?
posted by schwa at 3:44 PM on November 18, 2009

librarians are autocompletes with "hiding something"

Hiding how sexy they are, obviously.
posted by never used baby shoes at 3:58 PM on November 18, 2009

So... why is a raven like a writing desk?

Poe wrote on both of them.
posted by albrecht at 4:33 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: If I ate myself, would I become twice as big, or disappear completely?
posted by delmoi at 4:55 PM on November 18, 2009

yellowbinder: The internet is full of lots of people doing the same thing.
posted by delmoi at 4:56 PM on November 18, 2009

My favorite of these is the term site en.wikipedia.org surviving a raptor attack -- which of course was planted by xkcd.
posted by dhartung at 5:10 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

I had to click on this to see what is was, and was well rewarded with a wonderful amazon review. A sample:

First of all, a warning. This book is packed with such useful and POWERFUL information, it should be approached with caution. Amazon has not provided a synopsis, and rightly so. I attempted to download a summary to my computer and my monitor EXPLODED.

That review is not the only one--you have to read all eleven of them!
posted by misha at 5:50 PM on November 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

We are never as honest as we are with our search engine.
posted by shothotbot at 7:27 PM on November 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

WTF? I just typed "i'm not o" and the first autocomplete suggestion was what looks very much like a paid ad!

Google is now officially evil.
posted by straight at 10:48 PM on November 18, 2009

Anyone else notice that "google won" returns the result:

"google won't work on my computer"

rofl
posted by Mikey-San at 1:46 AM on November 19, 2009

Chocolate Pickle: "17There's also Mystery Google: you get what the person before you searched for."

So far I've gotten some kind of internet dating thing, "OH HI," a rickrolling, and a list of internet personality quizzes. In retaliation I made whoever searched after me lose the Game.
posted by bettafish at 11:12 AM on November 19, 2009

Most of these are Google bombs/Internet memes co-opted by marketing/parking lot/affiliate sites.

one day i will rule candyland with an iron fist

I use my Grandma for a skateboard

etc. It's a good way to catch up on the Internet memes you've missed ...
posted by mrgrimm at 11:51 AM on November 19, 2009

A friend of mine pointed this out. Check what autocomplete gives you when you type myspace is for and then repeat the same thing with facebook is for and twitter is for.
posted by Kattullus at 6:46 AM on November 20, 2009

Well, I never!

I tried "Yahoo is for" and got nothing.

I tried "Yahoo is" and got:

yahoo is there anyway i can get this popular guy to get me pregnant
posted by not_on_display at 8:57 AM on November 20, 2009