I Can Quit Anytime I Want!

November 20, 2009 6:57 PM

Internet Vices: various Web 2.0 sites and services, recast as drugs and alcohol.

For example, myspace "is huffing spray paint: Destroys any chance of looking credible. You will be perceived as having the mindset of a middle schooler, and probably do."

posted by ShawnStruck (29 comments total)

Metafilter, meanwhile, is absinthe. It has an otherworldly charm greater than the sum of its chemical parts.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:02 PM on November 20, 2009 [11 favorites]

You can't snort crack (well, I guess you theoretically could, but why bother?), and yuppies aren't really the predominant demographic associated with crack use anyway.

Vimeo is acid? Somehow, I don't get the sense that this person has taken much LSD.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 7:06 PM on November 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

On the other hand, if he had compared twitter to cocaine because it is only the most ostentatiously stylish and the most utterly devoid of class that use it, he may have been on to something.

And if youtube is tequila than vimeo is patron.

Mefi is PCP, cut with airplane glue. Do not fuck with Mefi, it will destroy you.
posted by idiopath at 7:23 PM on November 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

I always thought of Metafilter as psilocybin, really.
posted by the dief at 7:23 PM on November 20, 2009

"Vodka cranberry"? It's called a Cape Cod, you plebe.
posted by boo_radley at 7:28 PM on November 20, 2009 [6 favorites]

The crack mistake was really pretty glaring, even to this not-really-drug-user. He is clearly not actually thinking of crack. But it's funny overall, so I guess it gets a pass.
posted by moss at 7:31 PM on November 20, 2009

hey it's that dude who made that awful missed connection cartoon about the girl with the flower in her hair

you will always be that dude Patrick Moberg
posted by Greg Nog at 7:33 PM on November 20, 2009

Metafilter, meanwhile, is absinthe. It has an otherworldly charm greater than the sum of its chemical parts.

And it's incredibly bitter unless you add a little sugar.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:50 PM on November 20, 2009 [15 favorites]

Stuff is like this other stuff because of a perceived similitude but it's really just like stuff.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:56 PM on November 20, 2009

I think MetaFilter is like a vaporizer hit of top notch cannabis coupled with a glass of single malt scotch. Such a pleasant buzz was cultivated that perhaps a second tipple of scotch is consumed, leading to a third. This is followed by a bump of meth, a swig of Aristocrat tequila straight out of the bottle and 10mg of some sort of hyper-potent but poorly understood mescaline analog.

In the morning, you wonder, "What the fuck happened last night?" Then you go read about it on the internet and are filled with a strange mix of wonder, pride, and shame.

At least you got some favorites out of the deal. Then again, you lost your favorite pair of pants.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 8:03 PM on November 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

Metafilter is Night Train. Five bucks and you'll be happy and belligerent all night.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 8:32 PM on November 20, 2009 [14 favorites]

"Metafilter, meanwhile, is absinthe"
*adjusts cravat*
I enjoy watching as the post's decadent oils precipitate and the comments change from clear emerald to a milky opaque white.
Of course then comes the wormwood tormented visions, but that might just be my own thing.

Hemingway and the idea changing liquid alchemy thing comes to mind. Sure, in the head. But it doesn't feel like absinthe.

Metafilter is a White Russian.

Drudgereport is distilled water or rain water, and pure grain alcohol.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:52 PM on November 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

I had a very similar conversation to this a few months ago, and we came to the same conclusions, except gmail was speed because you're fixated on incessantly refreshing your inbox, and facebook was weed because you spend all your time doing nothing and it makes the most insignificant and ridiculous things seem important.

internet porn was heroin, for obvious reasons
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:00 PM on November 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

Tumblr is a box of wine. It's trying for cred, but overdoes it on the cheap "Cab Sav" and just winds up speckled with red vomit, listing off the same set of obsessions it cornered you with last time you saw it.
posted by Jilder at 9:18 PM on November 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

4chan is huffing spraypaint, with a chaser of inhaling gasoline, followed by getting smacked repeatedly upside the head with a baseball bat.
posted by idiopath at 9:22 PM on November 20, 2009

4chan's /b/ is a cheap American lager mon-thu and a few lines on the weekend.
posted by cj_ at 9:48 PM on November 20, 2009

Come to think of it, the youtube as tequila thing is pretty close.

Youtube is cheap mescal, and the comments are the "worm" at the bottom of the bottle.
posted by idiopath at 9:54 PM on November 20, 2009

Well what ever vice metafilter is- reddit is the precursor - again...
posted by mattoxic at 10:00 PM on November 20, 2009

4chan is swallowing a vet's prescription cupboard with a chaser of everything from the vet's cleaning cupboard.
posted by Jilder at 11:11 PM on November 20, 2009 [6 favorites]

Re: 4chan:

4chan is like that part of Ulysses when Bloom gets farted on by a fat ho and likes it, plus the feeling of having paper cuts in your brain instead of neural connections and then dipped repeatedly in salt water, plus Ohio.

yeah, i really do feel that strongly about it
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:22 AM on November 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

that made a lot of sense to my digged brain right now.
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:19 AM on November 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

also - if tumblr is red wine, does that make ffffound white wine?
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:20 AM on November 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Funny concept but deffo a bit off the mark.

Vimeo is acid? Somehow, I don't get the sense that this person has taken much LSD.

Possibly the most fun that can be had from acid + internet is to start reading random wikipedia articles as you come up on a solo trip . . .
posted by protorp at 1:35 AM on November 21, 2009

Great. Drug humor as drawn by someone who's plainly never had so much as a contact high. What else does one do bonghits of, except weed? He's also mixed up tequila, marijuana, LSD, and ecstasy.

And left out Robitussin.
posted by unmake at 3:52 AM on November 21, 2009

Metafilter is having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
posted by There's No I In Meme at 5:59 AM on November 21, 2009 [7 favorites]

What else does one do bonghits of, except weed?

Salvia divinorum. Or so I've heard.
posted by Splunge at 6:56 AM on November 21, 2009

I thought YouTube/Tequila comparison was spot on. This looks like a few humorous ideas that were needlessly extended to create an article that included most of the more popular websites.

4chan is swallowing a vet's prescription cupboard with a chaser of everything from the vet's cleaning cupboard.

This was pretty spot on too. Just remember to save some of those cleaning supplies. I hear you can make cool crystals with them.
posted by Avelwood at 5:25 AM on November 22, 2009

I don't know what I'd compare Mefi to. I've done nearly every drug in existence and nothing had half the pull on me that this @#%@ website does.
posted by Bageena at 5:12 PM on November 22, 2009

Right now this thread is Special K.
posted by RockCorpse at 4:59 PM on November 29, 2009