My Rikers, let me show you them
November 30, 2009 3:40 PM Subscribe

It is a tumblr blog full of pictures of Commander Riker from Star Trek: the Next Generation.* I knew that you would need this. You are welcome.

*now with bonus drawings from famous** webcomic artists.

**internet famous, anyway.

posted by Caduceus (80 comments total) 29 users marked this as a favorite

I'm TOS til I die, but this is full of WIN.
posted by Joe Beese at 3:46 PM on November 30, 2009 [19 favorites]

I like this, and not just in an ironic hipster sense.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:51 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

This blog is so awesome. I've been checking it sporadically for awhile.
posted by muddgirl at 3:51 PM on November 30, 2009

but this is full of WIN.

Ha ha yeah it's funny because he is the african american one in the 24th century, but that caption has him speaking in the african american vernacular of the early 21st century! LOL anachronism!
posted by dersins at 3:52 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Nuke it from orbit, commander Riker.
posted by anigbrowl at 3:55 PM on November 30, 2009

Commander Riker doesn't see race.
posted by muddgirl at 3:56 PM on November 30, 2009

I'm DS9 til I die, but Riker is an awesome character.

Back when TNG was on the air, my friends and I would get excited whenever Picard went off the ship and Riker got control of the Enterprise. This is because whenever Riker was in charge, shit done got blown up. Whether he was facing down the Borg in Best of Both Worlds or fighting the Son'a in Insurrection, you could bet their would be explosions a'plenty whenever Riker was in charge. Best case in point? Star Trek: Generations, when Riker blew up the motherfucking Enterprise and crash landed the saucer section on a planet.

William T Riker: Master Exploder.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:58 PM on November 30, 2009 [23 favorites]

Also, I will just say this; Frakes should have been offered the role of Everett Young on Stargate Universe. Not that I think Louis Ferreira is awful in the role or anything, but I just think Frakes would have been so much cooler.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:59 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ha ha yeah it's funny because he is the african american one in the 24th century, but that caption has him speaking in the african american vernacular of the early 21st century! LOL anachronism!

If your havin hull problems I feel bad for you son,

I got 99 problems but a breach ain't one.

Just imagine Scotty doing it. It's just as funny, I swear.
posted by scrutiny at 4:00 PM on November 30, 2009 [9 favorites]

Commander Riker doesn't see race.

Neither does Geordi.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:01 PM on November 30, 2009 [23 favorites]

Geordi's visor has a special setting that allows him to see race.
posted by The World Famous at 4:02 PM on November 30, 2009 [31 favorites]

I don't get the allusion, because Lieutenant-Commander LaForge taught me how to read, and in doing so put me eternally out of touch with commercial hiphop.
posted by kid ichorous at 4:04 PM on November 30, 2009 [16 favorites]

Ha ha yeah it's funny because he is the african american one in the 24th century, but that caption has him speaking in the african american vernacular of the early 21st century!

I have a theory about Worf helping rewrite the Klingons into a metaphor for the "alien" aspects of late-80s underground hiphop culture becoming mainstream, as the Run DMCs cross over into largely-white-suburbanite space trekkie culture. Worf is cashing in as he rises in rank within the Federation power structure, but the main thesis of this theory is that the Beastie Boys are really Ferengi.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:04 PM on November 30, 2009 [12 favorites]

I can no longer think of Riker without thinking of Beard on Beard
posted by There's No I In Meme at 4:04 PM on November 30, 2009 [8 favorites]

the main thesis of this theory is that the Beastie Boys are really Ferengi.

You gotta fight
for your right
to praaaah fiiiit!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:14 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Remember, Riker is Kirk spelled sideways...
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:15 PM on November 30, 2009 [7 favorites]

Needs the "smug" keyword.
posted by Artw at 4:19 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ha ha yeah it's funny because he is the african american one in the 24th century, but that caption has him speaking in the african american vernacular of the early 21st century! LOL anachronism!

Uh, Geordi is not African American, he's just plain African.

Photoshop him into this and you might have a point. Probably not, but you're in with a chance.
/dorkmode off
posted by bunnytricks at 4:21 PM on November 30, 2009 [6 favorites]

They should have used a real Geordie, the fucking racists. Of course he'd just get pissed and throw up behind the warp stabilisers.
posted by Artw at 4:23 PM on November 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

Huh. Like this blog, but to a lot of women, Riker's "charm" is similar to that of the "player's handbook" types, a sort of smary sleeze faintly spiced with desperation that drives him to keep proving his manhood. The kind of guy who makes an innocent hug into a thinly-disguised grope, and who claims to always know "how to treat a lady," usually by feeding her lame lines and pathetic double entendres between buying her drinks.

Plus, he walked leaning sideways, which irritated me to the extreme. Stand up straight, dammit!
posted by emjaybee at 4:23 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

smary=smarmy. Dammit.
posted by emjaybee at 4:24 PM on November 30, 2009

He's the shit Kirk.

Actually I can really imagine Riker as the teacher who tries too hard to be cool and who ends up getting one of the sixth form girls preggers.
posted by Artw at 4:25 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

I have no idea what episode it was, but there was one where Riker didn't have a speaking role and he's standing to the left of the female costar and is winning a staring contest with her breasts with an incredibly creepy leery smile on his face. He's like "Shit, in this scene Troi is getting all the strange-new-world-exploring action, think I'll try to find a couple alien globes of my own oh there they are I'm sure I'm out of frame so no probs if I drool a bit k"
posted by bunnytricks at 4:28 PM on November 30, 2009

I'm DS9 til I die, but Riker is an awesome character.

Riker (or at least his twin/clone/transporter duplicate Thomas) shows up in a DS9 episode, as well as a Voyager episode. The circle is complete!
posted by armage at 4:36 PM on November 30, 2009

It's funny because I'm young and I'm black and my visor's real low? Do I look like a betazoid, sir, I dunno!
posted by katillathehun at 4:38 PM on November 30, 2009 [5 favorites]

I believe that Riker never gave up the Q Continuum powers that he received in Hide and Q. Every action he takes in every subsequent episode proves this theory. Whenever Riker succeeds in a risky gamble it is because of his Q powers. Whenever he fails it is so that he can maintain his cover.
posted by Uncle Jimmy at 4:40 PM on November 30, 2009 [12 favorites]

Q is intolerable and needs a punch as well, so it makes sense.
posted by Artw at 4:53 PM on November 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

I feel like I'm missing a Palin joke about being from Alaska and being second in command, but damned if I can think of one.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 5:00 PM on November 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Geordi's visor can see colors you and I can never even dream of. Thus, he sees at least three times as many races.

Also, I highly doubt we'll be a post-racial society circa 2300 AD. I mean, just listen to what Bones said to the Vulkan!

You may argue TOS was the "early days" when quantum political correctness was still in its infancy. Fair enough. But consider Picard's Enterprise(s)' repeated encouragement for Data to be "more human." Instead of encouraging young Data to embrace who he was, they wanted him to be like everyone else. How would it sound if Data were a gay or black crewmember trying to be "more typical?" Sure, you can argue that Data's creator built him to look human and to want to be more human, but what if a human son is told by his dad that he wasn't raised to be gay?

Really, if the future is more PC like the official canon say it is, it's a wonder Troi hasn't done anything to help Data with this complex. Granted, she probably got that job through affirmative action.

HEART OF TARG
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:00 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

What's the difference between Riker and a pit bull?
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:02 PM on November 30, 2009

Frakes directed the sleaziest episodes. Love him so hard.
posted by wemayfreeze at 5:03 PM on November 30, 2009

What's the difference between Riker and a pit bull?

Lipstick?
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:05 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I did not realize that Ricky Gervais did a guest spot on TNG.
posted by mwhybark at 5:08 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

My personal favorite Riker moment is on DS9, when after an entire episode of Will Riker acting weird, and finally kidnapping Kira and stealing the Defiant, he pulls off his sideburns, leaving only an evil goatee, and reveals he's actually Thomas Riker in disguise!

Because... as part of a brilliant and devious plan that must have taken months of planning to put into action, he couldn't just, you know, not shave that part of his beard?
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 5:10 PM on November 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

>
Where does Lady Gaga fit into all of this? Is she Q? And does that make the Enterprise the VMAs?

Consider that she's talented, and is good at freaking out the establishment. Remember how people looked at her when she was wearing her faceless dress?

Preemptively pulling out this video for the people who say HURF DURF HERMAPHRODITE.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:11 PM on November 30, 2009

Commander Riker doesn't see race.

Neither does Geordi.

Horace Rumpole wins the thread.
posted by grouse at 5:12 PM on November 30, 2009

My favourite Riker episode, which may provide an unprecedented glimpse into his character, is A Matter of Perspective.

Riker is accused of attempted rape and successful murder, and no one, not even Troi or Picard, seems to have much trouble believing he could have done it. They don't come shouting to his defense, protest his innocence etc. When they hear the news, they're like "Oh shit, that asshole probably did it. Um... I guess let's get him a fair trial at least?"
posted by yellowbinder at 5:14 PM on November 30, 2009 [19 favorites]

Lipstick?

Beards.
posted by Panjandrum at 5:14 PM on November 30, 2009

Kate Beaton, yay!
posted by $0up at 5:19 PM on November 30, 2009

"My personal favorite Riker moment is on DS9, when after an entire episode of Will Riker acting weird, and finally kidnapping Kira and stealing the Defiant, he pulls off his sideburns, leaving only an evil goatee, and reveals he's actually Thomas Riker in disguise!

Because... as part of a brilliant and devious plan that must have taken months of planning to put into action, he couldn't just, you know, not shave that part of his beard?"
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 11:10 AM on December 1

Ah, yes, but, remember that Thomas Riker was part of the Maquis, an organisation Starfleet and the Federation were trying to shut down and actively spying on. So Thomas Riker, no doubt very aware that their could always be spies from Starfleet trying to inflitrate the Maquis, probably realised that if Starfleet was going to do anything, an easy way to infiltrate the Maquis would be to have Will Riker replace him.

And so, if ever there was any doubt amongst his Maquis colleagues that Thomas Riker was indeed Thomas Riker and not William Riker in disguise, he could simply pull of his beard and go "Ha, take that motherfuckers, all I have is a goatee! In. Your. Faces!" And then he and his Maquis buddies would laugh and maybe have some pie, washed down with Romulan Ale. Or something.

Of course, you could argue that if Starfleet Intelligence was going to use Will Riker to inflitrate the Maquis, they'd tell him to simply shave his beard down to a goatee. But then we start getting down to 'Plate of Beans' territory, really.

Oh my god, I'm such a nerd.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:26 PM on November 30, 2009 [13 favorites]

I'm not sure that the question of whether Starfleet had the technology to shave part of Riker's beard really constitutes 'Plate of Beans' territory. Unless, of course, Riker's beard is impervious to conventional shaving technology--which is entirely plausible.
posted by The World Famous at 5:34 PM on November 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

I think the beard is an alien STD he caught between seasons one and two.
posted by bunnytricks at 5:37 PM on November 30, 2009 [5 favorites]

I loved TOS as a kid, so when TNG was announced I was fully prepared to hate it. But I gave it a fair shake and watched a few. And I must say, after seeing Riker especially, I was forced to admit: I was right. TNG is awful.
posted by DU at 5:56 PM on November 30, 2009

Horace Rumpole wins the thread.

Optimus Chyme makes a strong showing.

...but to a lot of women, Riker's "charm" is similar to that of the "player's handbook" types, a sort of smary sleeze faintly spiced with desperation that drives him to keep proving his manhood.

That's part of his charm, though, right? He's that guy thatone of your friends fall for, and all the others are like EWWWW GROSS but you can't anything mean about him to her face so you pretend to admire his beard, until the day he is "too busy" to make that rendezvous on Risa and your friend spends the next week crying over her double-chocolate fudge sundae.
posted by muddgirl at 6:00 PM on November 30, 2009 [5 favorites]

Re: Thomas / Will beardgate: Have you not read the scriptures, wherein it is written that goatee = evil alternate universe character?

If Thomas had actually gone for the Full Bearding, the implications for his character would put the plot under unbearable space-time stresses.

For all my appreciation of Berman TNG episodes, I, for one, have always harbored seekrit suspicions about which TNG character Berman most identified with. Separated at birth?
posted by mwhybark at 6:19 PM on November 30, 2009

mwhybark: "I, for one, have always harbored seekrit suspicions about which TNG character Berman most identified with."

I just realized that this clearly predicts a Frakes guest shot on Caprica. Hear my prophecy, intarwebs!
posted by mwhybark at 6:22 PM on November 30, 2009

My favourite Riker episode is The Pegasus.

The spun it into the last episode of Enterprise as well.

Interesting to see him on Star Trek's best, DS9, and Star Trek's worst, Voyager.
posted by juiceCake at 6:36 PM on November 30, 2009

Credit where credit is due: Not even the great James Tiberius Kirk could rock the J.C. Penney-Male-Catalog-Model One-Leg-Awkwardly-Up® pose the way ol' Will Riker could. (I can't believe there aren't more photos of this on the Web.)

My favorite "WTF, Frakes?" moment was in this episode. In a dramatic confrontation with Picard and Riker, Worf resigns his commission...

Cut to a closeup of the CONFERENCE TABLE. We see WORF'S HAND toss his COMMUNICATOR PIN down. Dramatic chord. RACK FOCUS back to the other two officers...

Picard is staring, aghast, at Worf (no doubt thinking, "Have I pushed too hard? Did I just lose one of my best officers?").

Riker is staring, equally intensely...at the communicator pin (no doubt thinking, "Hey, I wonder if I could make a whistle or something out of that?").
posted by PlusDistance at 7:11 PM on November 30, 2009 [6 favorites]

mccarty.tim wrote: Instead of encouraging young Data to embrace who he was, they wanted him to be like everyone else.

It was Data's own quest to become more human, not something foisted upon him by any of the TNG characters.

It's certainly possible that he decided to embark on that path due to something a human said to him prior to the series starting, but the show itself never states or implies that the decision to try to be more human wasn't his own.
posted by wierdo at 7:20 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Riker is staring, equally intensely...at the communicator pin (no doubt thinking, "Hey, I wonder if I could make a whistle or something out of that?")."
posted by PlusDistance at 1:11 PM on December 1

More likely, "How can I make this thing explode?"
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:24 PM on November 30, 2009

To be honest, I never really "got" Riker when my roommate showed me reruns of TNG, and I just took him to be a generic second-in-command who just happened to be good with the ladies, had the informed ability of being funny and had a beard. The JAndrew edits of TNG just confirmed my suspicions that Riker could be a lot more interesting.

Any of you Riker fans have any suggestions that could help me learn to love him? I liked the episode where Q gives Riker continuum powers, if only because of how cartoonishly Riker wields his new abilities.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:36 PM on November 30, 2009

PlusDistance, I believe you're referring to what MST3K called the 'leg up' position, as amply demonstrated in one of their segments between parts of the film, though sadly, like the JC Penney's catalogue, it appears not to exist on the web.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:55 PM on November 30, 2009

Credit where credit is due: Not even the great James Tiberius Kirk could rock the J.C. Penney-Male-Catalog-Model One-Leg-Awkwardly-Up® pose the way ol' Will Riker could. (I can't believe there aren't more photos of this on the Web.)

Word. It's my favorite part of any Riker episode, when, during a tense moment or really any moment, Riker, with furrowed brow, approaches the front of the bridge and mounts the Ops chair. Can you imagine being an ensign on your first active duty, assigned to the prestigious flagship Enterprise, and the first day on the job the first officer practically teabags you with his clothes on? Totally awesome.
posted by muddgirl at 7:56 PM on November 30, 2009 [24 favorites]

can't sleep, borg will eat me
posted by teraflop at 8:08 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

ParisParamus and dhoyt, in MetaTalk.

I don't get it. Are we shouting obscure Clue dénouements? The triangular unknown which is the first and only course of the whodunit, served chilled and well-anticipated at the latest possible moment of Act 5?

Joss Whedon, in the Final Draft, with the nitrous oxide.
posted by kid ichorous at 8:54 PM on November 30, 2009

"Can you imagine being an ensign on your first active duty, assigned to the prestigious flagship Enterprise, and the first day on the job the first officer practically teabags you with his clothes on?"
posted by muddgirl at 1:56 PM on December 1

Perhaps this is why Geordi left that chair and took up engineering in Season 2.
posted by Effigy2000 at 8:59 PM on November 30, 2009

mccarty.tim, I believe that the appeal of Riker is not that he's genuinely likable, but that he's kind of a hilarious doofus. Thus this absurd blog and the people talking about his smarm, his tendency to teabag ensigns, and his ability to blow shit up.
posted by Caduceus at 8:59 PM on November 30, 2009

I, too, love Kate Beaton. My first exposure to her wonderful versions of Star Trek characters would be this truly classic rendering of Spock on a swing set.
posted by redsparkler at 9:35 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't get it. Are we shouting obscure Clue dénouements?

Shaka, when the walls fell. *shakes head sadly*
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:35 PM on November 30, 2009 [11 favorites]

Artw: "Needs the "smug" keyword."

Yeah, the first thing this reminded me of was the old ST:TNG drinking game.

===========================================================================
Category: Condition                                      : Number of Drinks
===========================================================================

Riker   :  "Hell"                                        :          2
Quotes  :  "What the hell is going on?"                  :  Whole Beverage
        :  "You are personally responsible for the       :
        :      Captain's safety" to Worf                 :          2
        :  "With pleasure, sir"                          :          1
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riker   :  Walks forward as if he's trying to knock an   :
Actions :      imaginary door down with his forehead     :          1
        :  Demonstrates knowledge of a foreign language  :          1
        :  Swears/hurls an insult in a foreign language  :          2
        :  Thrusts his chin out with a smug look         :          1
        :  Stands with his feet more than 2 ft. apart    :1 per ' beyond 2' 
        :  Pronounces a word in a way that does not match:
        :      his heritage (e.g. charade=shur-AHD)      :          2
        :  Acts blatantly like Kirk                      :          1
        :  Gets that annoying smirk on his face          :          1
        :  Gets the girl                                 :          1
        :  Gets the girl for no apparent reason          :          2

posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:15 AM on December 1, 2009 [9 favorites]

kid ichorous: They're referring to Darmok, one of the more beloved episodes of TNG.
posted by Optamystic at 2:55 AM on December 1, 2009

MY favorite Riker moment was in the very first episode, where Riker meets Doctor and Wesley Crusher. As they part company, Riker tilts his head coyly forward, looking Wesley in the eye. There is a pregnant pause, and Riker says: "I'll see you onboard, Wesley.">

I saw this originally on a (cough) questionable copy, and thought surely this must have been manipulated. The pause was too obviously pregnant. Then I bought the entire series. No, it wasn't manipulated. It's there, for real.

How that didn't get edited in post-production amazes me.
posted by Goofyy at 5:09 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

I hope I'm not the only one that notices that in just about any drawing of him, Riker looks remarkably like Orson Wells in a Starfleet uniform.
posted by borkencode at 5:31 AM on December 1, 2009

omg that totally made my day!
thanks for linking to that one joe beese

i was laughing so hard at my desk they all wanted to know what was so funny.
so i sent them that pic. ha ha ha! good thing i work in IT or i'd be surrounded by a bunch of people who wouldn't know why it was funny!!!
posted by sio42 at 6:05 AM on December 1, 2009

And yet again Beaton shows y'all how it's done.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:10 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

kid ichorous: They're referring to Darmok, one of the more beloved episodes of TNG.

That people will present Darmok as one of the best TNG episodes tells you everything you need to know about TNG.
posted by Artw at 9:12 AM on December 1, 2009

kid ichorous said, "most beloved", Artw, not "best".
posted by muddgirl at 9:14 AM on December 1, 2009

Well, yeah, it does tell you a lot about people who go around beloving TNG as well :-)
posted by Artw at 9:35 AM on December 1, 2009

What does it tell about me?
posted by muddgirl at 9:46 AM on December 1, 2009

Well, presumabing that you were beloving the episode it would tell me that you favour contrived and somewhat implausible logic puzzles and it all ends up being very joly and cosy at the end to say, episodes where people shoot each other with laser beams or get their arm cut off and replaced with a mechanical claw.
posted by Artw at 10:12 AM on December 1, 2009

You mean that fans of science fiction television shows can still appreciate an episode that has a great theme, some superb acting, a monster, a space battle, and a First Officer who does the wrong thing at the right time, adding on top of that an ambitious speculation about an alien language. Did the speculation completely succeed? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I don't admire the attempt.
posted by muddgirl at 10:52 AM on December 1, 2009

I, for one, feel more puns need to be made about the fact that Riker has a little Captain in him.
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:01 AM on December 1, 2009

Riker's "charm" is similar to that of the "player's handbook" types

Everybody knows the ladies love the DM.
posted by InfidelZombie at 2:20 PM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

So good. So very very good.
posted by spec80 at 7:05 AM on December 2, 2009

Kate Beaton, you rock my world! I love your Riker!
posted by Olive Oil at 1:57 PM on December 2, 2009

Oh, god, this thread is wonderful.

Hey, you guys. Remember when Troi used to call him "Bill"? That was fucking crazy! She does it about halfway through the first-season episode "Haven", just after the most awkward editing choice on any Star Trek episode ever. At like 28 minutes in, Riker and Troi are in the Holodeck, chatting, and suddenly Troi's new fiancée walks in. No establishing shot that shows him walking into the Holodeck, dude just strolls up and is like "oh hey whats up" and Troi and Riker are like "oh hey someone just like showed up, cool"
posted by Greg Nog at 5:33 AM on December 3, 2009

I love Riker. I don't care that he's lame. His beard rocks my sad little world. Even Q mentioned his beard. I love his orgasm face in "The Game". I'm just very happy that I'm not the only one who appreciates him.
posted by h00py at 6:43 AM on December 3, 2009

This post needs the riker tag.

Riker shows up in today's Questionable Content comic.
posted by grouse at 7:02 AM on December 8, 2009

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My Rikers, let me show you them November 30, 2009 3:40 PM Subscribe

My Rikers, let me show you them
November 30, 2009 3:40 PM Subscribe