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You guys think you're above the law. Well, you ain't above mine.
December 3, 2009 12:13 AM   Subscribe

A&E presents the next incarnation of reality TV: Steven Seagal Lawman. No, seriously.

Would you watch this? I find myself strangely intrigued.

From the web site:

For almost 20 years, Seagal has been working as a fully commissioned deputy with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office in Louisiana. In addition to going out on patrol, Seagal is an expert marksman who has worked with their SWAT team and has instructed Jefferson Parish officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.

Steven Seagal Lawman will allow fans to ride shotgun with Seagal as he and his hand-selected elite team of deputies respond to crimes in progress. Then, when Seagal goes off duty, the cameras will continue following him as he pursues his many ventures, including musical performances and philanthropic efforts in Jefferson Parish and New Orleans.
posted by bwg (90 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
So this is what it's come to.

*creeps up behind self, snaps own neck*
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:16 AM on December 3, 2009 [9 favorites]


SEE EXCLUSIVE IMAGES FORM JEFFERSON PARISH
posted by Mikey-San at 12:19 AM on December 3, 2009


His hair has nothing whatsoever to do with reality.
posted by a non e mouse at 12:21 AM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]


Would you feel better or worse about getting arrested once you recognized officer Seagal?
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:24 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


I am completely and 100% behind this on the off chance that by "musical performances" it means we'll get to see Seagal's secret desire for a lead roll in Les Miserables.

If I start watching and begin to suspect that I'm going to be disappointed? I'll just pop the Original London Cast recording in my CD player, hit mute on the TV, and will it to be real.
posted by emperor.seamus at 12:26 AM on December 3, 2009


Who knew?h
posted by caddis at 12:31 AM on December 3, 2009


Am I crazy or do I remember a picture of Segal with Joe Arpaio?
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 12:31 AM on December 3, 2009


We may snark, but A&E's laughing all the way to the bank.
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:33 AM on December 3, 2009




Come on.
It could be worse.
One word.
Hasselhoff.

It's just too bad that former child actor Ken Osmond isn't LAPD anymore... (disabled; bullet wounds; NOT an urban myth), because Eddie Haskell Lawman would be awesome.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:38 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wow. Now I can picture an awful screenplay entitled The Man Who Shot Eddie Haskell. Thanks, oneswellfoop.
posted by cgc373 at 12:43 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


And Osmond's Wikipedia entry screams—SCREAMS—: guest star on Californication. Casting agents, take some fucking notice, please!
posted by cgc373 at 12:45 AM on December 3, 2009


>Steven Seagal Lawman

Thank goodness, he's back to doing the Steven Seagal vehicles with three word titles.

"I tell you, he's A Dangerous Man (201) who is Driven to Kill (2009) even when he's Against the Dark (2009). He'll get himself worked into a Flight of Fury (2007) until he's damn near a Mercenary for Justice (2006). He'll be all like "Today You Die" (2005) and you'll be trying to run away Into the Sun (2005) thinking you'll be Out of Reach (2004). But brother, you'll really be Half Past Dead (2002) because this man's got the Fire Down Below (1997). Damn, if he was a system used for finding genes in microbial DNA we'd call him The Glimmer Man (1996). Don't get him Under Siege 2 (1995) or you'll be On Deadly Ground (1994) 'cause he'll be Out for Justice (1991). You'll be Marked for Death (1990) and won't hardly be Hard to Kill (1990) because let me tell you, that cat's Above the Law (1988)."
posted by blueberry at 12:47 AM on December 3, 2009 [21 favorites]


We have here the most parsimonious version of fame.

Mr. So and So is famous. Look at famous Mr. So and So being famous on TV. We watch him because he is famous. He is famous because we watch him. Let us celebrate his fame. Yay he is famous we will watch him on TV.

It used to be we would shove a bunch of celebrities in one grid and use them as props in a game of tic-tac-toe. Now they each have their own show. Their lives are TV shows. People do stupid and dangerous stunts just in the hope that their lives, too, can be TV shows. Does anybody remember how STUPID this is? Is our whole media culture one huge Candid Camera stunt, but Alan Funt died before he could deliver the punch line?
posted by idiopath at 12:49 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


I would totally watch this, thanks to the ridiculousness of his Wikipedia article:
  • He is an American action movie actor, producer, writer, director, martial artist, philanthropist, guitarist, singer-songwriter, and deputy sheriff.
  • "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol."
  • He was once married to two different women at the same time!
  • He has been recognized by Tibetan lama Penor Rinpoche as a reincarnated Tulku of 17th century eastern Tibet, Chungdrag Dorje.
  • He markets an energy drink known as Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, as well as an herbal oil product line.
  • Seagal personally endorses this drink, "I have traveled the world creating this drink; there is none better that I know."
  • He also has his own aftershave called Scent of Action.
  • He also has his own line of knives.
posted by autoclavicle at 12:50 AM on December 3, 2009 [5 favorites]


I am curious to know whether the cameras will be permitted to show his vast collection of black shoe polish, or - even better - his morning hair regime, which involves the application of same.
posted by tracicle at 12:55 AM on December 3, 2009


This is a wonderful thing. It must be publicized widely, so that all of America's most desperate criminals will hurry to Jefferson County, Louisiana, there to match their brains - and brawn - against the one man who stands in their way...for once they have defeated Steven Seagal, ultimate power awaits.

I'm also kind of hoping Chuck Norris likes to visit that area and break the speed limit in a manner which would require the intervention of famed martial artist, Steven Seagal.
posted by anigbrowl at 1:03 AM on December 3, 2009 [7 favorites]


Call me crazy, but if I were Seagal, I'd look into marketing an aftershave bottle that turns into a knife!!. Not only is the hardcore factor increased ten fold, but you could also call it Scent of Seagal. Followed by profit.
posted by mannequito at 1:25 AM on December 3, 2009 [3 favorites]


Instead of has been & never was celebrity retread reality tv maybe tv execs (or tv viewers) could try taking their heads out of their asses and supporting shows with actual writers and content. Conversely the news could be about reality instead of an endless round of speculation and drivel about say Tiger Woods. I'd say get the hell off my lawn you kids, but at this point I'm so starved for creativity that I'm likely to force people to do performance art at gunpoint.
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:45 AM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]


What's with the title? Does he marry someone with the last name Lawman and shift his maiden name to the middle name? The lack of punctuation, it is infuriating.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 1:46 AM on December 3, 2009


Wait, is that my problem? Am I supposed to watch the news for entertainment and entertainment for the news? Shit, why didn't I get the memo.
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:48 AM on December 3, 2009


I think it was TV critic Alan Sepinwall who tweeter that it was like "Dwight Schrute: The Series".
posted by inturnaround at 1:59 AM on December 3, 2009 [6 favorites]


The lack of punctuation, it is infuriating.

Funny, when I was posting this I noticed that weird title as well.

Perhaps the name Steven Seagal somehow automatically implies a colon.
posted by bwg at 2:09 AM on December 3, 2009 [7 favorites]


You can make fun of Steven Seagal as a cultural figure, but you can't make fun of Steven Seagal as a blues musician, because Steven Seagal will kick your ass.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:15 AM on December 3, 2009


They might be better off, I think, the way it seems to me, making up their own shows - which might be better than TV.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:24 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


Just started watching the first episode to get a handle on it.

Nice to see Steven's been eating well.
posted by bwg at 2:37 AM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]


i opened this post just as the local news was doing a piece about the show. i'd seen the commercials but had no idea that it was being filmed here with the jefferson parish sheriff's office, which has a history of whoring itself out with media darlings. this clip has former sheriff harry lee (r.i.p.) who was his own special embarassment, willie nelson, steven segal, AND michael keaton. you remember michael keaton ... BATMAN?

i'm a hopeless true crime addict, and this one falls even below dog for me. that it's filmed in the suburbs of new orleans ... well, i just don't think we need to give the world one more reason to make fun of us.
posted by msconduct at 3:45 AM on December 3, 2009


I always preferred his much mellower brother, Jonathan Livingston Seagal.
posted by Ritchie at 3:46 AM on December 3, 2009 [7 favorites]


Ok. I just watched it.
I've decided to use my remaining life-force to warn mankind.

The show is equally divided between daytime, well-lit segments consisting of Steven Segal (SS) training Jefferson Parish police and segments of patrol work that is shot at night, poorly lit and by camera operators that can't hold still and apparently edited to cause confusion.
Sample quote: (SS) "The white boys in the silver truck started it"
He can train the officers because he has been secretly working as an officer himself for 20 years. That and of course the martial arts which he has been practicing all his life. Long hours spent practicing the martial arts have also given SS a super ability to identify predators. At night time on patrol SS seems to have special powers. He has flashes where he can see into the future. He has special vision that can zoom in the suspect from far away. He has remote vision abilities utilized in high tension situations that let him see what his partner is seeing. His eyes shoot laser beams. Ok I made that last one up but the rest is as it is portrayed.

Crimes ranged from fighting drunks to drunken fights leaving the police to provide the excitement which they did in the form of tazing a cuffed suspect in the back of a police car because he had kicked out the windows. Apparently Steven's long hours spent becoming The Martial Arts Guy didn't include any lessons on how to restrain a handcuffed man.

All is lost. Monks, monks, monks...
posted by vapidave at 3:53 AM on December 3, 2009 [7 favorites]


Am I the only one convinced "Steven Seagal" is Jim Belushi doing a character?
posted by biddeford at 4:05 AM on December 3, 2009 [9 favorites]


So that's why he got so fat - it was the donuts!
posted by awfurby at 4:14 AM on December 3, 2009


Does anyone remember that time he was interviewed on Phil Donohue's show and told all these crazy tales about how was a CIA agent?
posted by awfurby at 4:16 AM on December 3, 2009


my dear american friends, fear not for your stellar reputations as we outside the states are not allowed to even watch those trailers. dear AMC: fuck you very much.

is hand-selected elite team of deputies
erm... louisiana.
posted by krautland at 4:24 AM on December 3, 2009


This might well be the best thing in history ever. As an amateur Seagalologist I am cocked and locked to watch I'm a Deputy Get Me Out Of Here.

Also - if you want to watch celebrities in the jungle there is no more dangerous a predator than Steven "Mojo Priest" Seagal in the concrete jungles of Louisiana.

My god, I think I am getting wood.
posted by longbaugh at 5:00 AM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]


And then there's ... well, google seagal mafia for more stories than you can shake a nunchuk at.
posted by hexatron at 5:13 AM on December 3, 2009


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu0BrJksG10

killer guitar- get's a ton of respect in the music world, believe it or not. the guy can play...
posted by frankbooth at 5:31 AM on December 3, 2009


They seem to do a lot of cruising of "housing projects"... During a high speed chase through freeway traffic, SS is yelling at the driver of his SUV (who looked to be higher ranked), telling him how to drive and "Where the holes are!." The guy gets pissy and yells at him "STEPHEN, LET ME DRIVE!" Awesome.
posted by acro at 5:58 AM on December 3, 2009


... hand-selected elite team of deputies ...

Is it just me or are most of those dudes overweight as well?
posted by bwg at 6:03 AM on December 3, 2009


Big Seagal, Small World.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:05 AM on December 3, 2009


Remember that movie of his where he killed the industrialist in Alaska that was polluting by blowing up some kind of refinery, thereby releasing huge clouds of toxic gas? Even the bad guy's secretary got killed in that one.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:09 AM on December 3, 2009


Sweet, the strangest television commercial I've seen in the last month has appeared on MetaFilter.
posted by IvoShandor at 6:33 AM on December 3, 2009


Can't watch the preview in this country. I have mixed feelings about this.

Also, in the UK, A&E stands for Accident & Emergency (ER to Americans) which seems like the appropriate channel for this particular show.
posted by slimepuppy at 6:38 AM on December 3, 2009


I like to pretend A & E stands for Assholes and Elbows and that I am Dr Apone telling my Colonial Marine Medic bitches to get some shit squared away.

MOVE LIKE YOU GOT A PURPOSE.

Sorry, all giddy from the Seagal High.
posted by longbaugh at 6:51 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


you can't make fun of Steven Seagal as a blues musician , because Steven Seagal will kick your ass.

Huh, that may well be the first thing ever associated with the man that isn't utter, ridiculous dreck. Other than Tommy Lee Jones, of course.

I may have to watch this show. Like I had to watch "I'm With Busey".

Seagal is worse than Will Riker when it comes to the stand-up-adjust-clothes maneuver.
posted by biscotti at 7:03 AM on December 3, 2009


Steven Seagal rode in my minivan in order to gain access to a government weapons facility where railguns are made.

This is both a true story and the plot of my first screenplay.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:13 AM on December 3, 2009


Couldn't they have at least turned him into a robot first?
posted by drezdn at 7:17 AM on December 3, 2009


My best friend told me about this and I thought he was joking. Who would think this is a good idea? Steven Seagal should not be a cop. At all. Anywhere. Ever.
posted by shmurley at 7:31 AM on December 3, 2009


I'm holding out for Steven Segal: Sharkjumper.
posted by Foosnark at 7:32 AM on December 3, 2009


I've always maintained that SS has been in on the gag from the first. He's like his own ARG. Finding pictures of him with a panda sitting on his lap, the blues album, the wacky way he can break a man's arm ... it's got to be done ironically, right?
posted by rikschell at 7:41 AM on December 3, 2009


So was he really a “secret” policeman for the past twenty years? Or is that just the cover for the show so he can be shown to have some authority and teach his “boys” a thing or two about defending themselves?
posted by Think_Long at 7:54 AM on December 3, 2009


I (embarrassingly) watched this last night. On actual TV. I also wondered out loud about the tasing. My memory of it was 5 or 6 cops (including SS) standing around the mostly prone (and possibly struggling) subject and hearing one of them yelling incessantly "Tase him! Tase him! Tase Him!" (edited to remove New Orleans accent). Which somebody finally does. It all seemed a bit unnecessary.

On preview: So was he really a “secret” policeman for the past twenty years? Or is that just the cover for the show so he can be shown to have some authority and teach his “boys” a thing or two about defending themselves?

He does seem to actually know how to shoot a gun pretty precisely, unless the editors are seriously playing with the footage.
posted by This Guy at 7:58 AM on December 3, 2009


He does seem to actually know how to shoot a gun pretty precisely, unless the editors are seriously playing with the footage.

Which really isn't a difficult skill to learn, and no doubt he's spent tens of thousands on weapons training with industry experts.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:01 AM on December 3, 2009


One of things I've always loved about Seagal movies is that he's often the only character with any fighting ability. He uses his elite martial arts skills against bumbling guys in bars. Good prep for being a Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Deputy, I suppose.
posted by brundlefly at 8:02 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


I’m willing to bet that SS brings a full length mirror to the shooting range just watch himself as he fires at the baddies. But then again, he is an actor, so it is his job to look awesome doing awesome things – which he does awesomely
posted by Think_Long at 8:03 AM on December 3, 2009


Am I crazy or do I remember a picture of Segal with Joe Arpaio?

You are not crazy!

I may have to watch this show. Like I had to watch "I'm With Busey".

I had no idea this show existed. I already told my friend to DVR Lawman, now I have to dig this up, too.
posted by adamdschneider at 8:07 AM on December 3, 2009


personally I thought Segal's career peaked with Marked for Death - the fight scene with Screwface was impressive (at least in 1990)

with that said I may actually watch this show...especially after reading this USA Today article

excerpt:
Seagal, who is juggling a resurgent film career and wrapping up his second blues album (he plays guitar and sings), agreed to have his sheriff's exploits documented to highlight the plight of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and support local law enforcement.

"I'm nervous about the way things may be interpreted; I don't want people to think I'm doing this for attention or to benefit me," says Seagal, who co-stars with Robert De Niro in the Robert Rodriguez film Machete next year. "I just hope this gives a shot to New Orleans and the police who need help. They need a voice for the fine work they're doing."

Seagal, 58, who has a second home in bayou country, is a fully commissioned deputy and spends several months a year in Louisiana. While on the force, he usually works five-day shifts

posted by offtheroad at 8:13 AM on December 3, 2009


"I'm nervous about the way things may be interpreted; I don't want people to think I'm doing this for attention or to benefit me," says Seagal, who co-stars with Robert De Niro in the Robert Rodriguez film Machete next year.

Oh my god, this is going to be the best movie ever.
posted by adamdschneider at 8:17 AM on December 3, 2009


Maybe he'll run into Gene Lebell again! He confronted Seagal about abusing his stuntmen. (Who, of course, let Seagal live out his power fantasies on them - he's the boss.)

Since Gene is legally bound to only say of their encounter that Seagal is "a great actor and a great martial artist," his wife tells the tale at about 35:00 in this podcast.
posted by ignignokt at 8:50 AM on December 3, 2009


Am I the only one convinced "Steven Seagal" is Jim Belushi doing a character?

I heard Belushi had to gain a lot of weight for that role.
posted by electroboy at 8:52 AM on December 3, 2009


adamdschneider: "who co-stars with Robert De Niro in the Robert Rodriguez film Machete next year."

De Niro? Pish posh. That's Danny Trejo's vehicle!
posted by brundlefly at 9:21 AM on December 3, 2009


Oh my god, this is going to be the best movie ever.

They definitely did fuck with the wrong Mexican.
posted by biscotti at 9:35 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


With the real aikido and blues guitar skills, Seagal could have been part of Buckaroo Banzai's crew.
posted by zippy at 10:06 AM on December 3, 2009


Is it even possible to be a Buddhist and a cop?

On the other hand, this means the future I posited in a comic book project - in which the Olsen twins have a reality show in which they track down and bust child molesters* - is very close at hand.

(It was in development at Fox, who were desperate for something that could take back Wednesday nights from "Celebrity Home Invasion.")
posted by Naberius at 10:07 AM on December 3, 2009


Holy shit, Naberius. That might actually be a reality show I'd watch.
posted by brundlefly at 10:30 AM on December 3, 2009


This show is awesome for several reasons:

1) I hadn't known that when Steven Seagal Lawman looks at you suspiciously from the corners of his eyes there will be an ominous swhooshing sound and a brief visual whiteout. He's more powerful than I thought! He doesn't even need a flash light!

2) He can also simultaneously put overweight retirement age cops into arm locks while at the same time telling them how he's one of the highest ranking Aikido teachers in the world. It's a stunning feat and admittedly he was pushing it a bit there and ended up soaked in sweat.

3) He has a ninja stealth belly that seems to create persistent gloomy shadows within which it can hide itself in plain view. You can almost see it but not quite... your eyes just seem to slide off it when you try.

4) Most of all Steven Seagal, Lawman, made me realize just how naive I've been all this time. He taught me that any shapes, sounds and movements around you are always caused by lurking shadowy attackers just waiting for opportunities to launch into a deadly assaults and your only defense is to form a force field bubble around you using nothing but suspicious frowns and sideways glances. You'll know if you're doing it right immediately because a true Zen master's frowns and glances will trigger the above mentioned swooshing sounds and white outs. And it totally works... nothing exciting happened the entire time!!!

Awesome!
posted by Hairy Lobster at 10:42 AM on December 3, 2009


Seagal, who co-stars with Robert De Niro...

You know that squinty staring thing that Larry David always does in order to determine whether or not someone is lying?

I can't stop imagining Steven Seagal and Robert De Niro in one of those scenes.
posted by rokusan at 10:42 AM on December 3, 2009


personally I thought Segal's career peaked with Marked for Death - the fight scene with Screwface was impressive (at least in 1990)

Wow. I just cleared a mental log jam relating to where those mid-90s D&B samples came from. Thanks.
posted by Rhomboid at 11:00 AM on December 3, 2009


AIKIDO WINS AGAIN!

This is what you shout in BJJ when you get a wrist lock on somebody. On the ground. Usually accidentaly beuase the guy has an incorrect grip entangled in the lapel of your Gi. I have subbed lot's of experienced guys this way.

Now it's only funny to us becuase we all know getting a wrist lock on an average-sized sober resisting adult in a standing position is nearly impossible. Without four other sheriffs deputies head locking and softening up the dude with batons.

Why does this matter in this thread? Oh. Aikido and Seagal.

Just say "Seagal" to anybody with real fight experience and it will trigger an uncontrolled reflexive giggle. No matter how tough the hombre, they will giggle like a sever year old girl. And then, eventually and with much guilt, tell you about their Seagal DVD collection.

His movies and personae are everything that is so wrong about how people perceive martial arts, and yet somehow sooooo right.
posted by tkchrist at 11:07 AM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]


Which really isn't a difficult skill to learn, and no doubt he's spent tens of thousands on weapons training with industry experts.

Hmmmm. Maybe. It's still not that easy. Some people just have the fine motor skills naturally.

But I know one thing the skill is highly perishable.

I hadn't shot in a bout six years and last summer while fishing in Idaho shot with my cousin I was all over the place. Couldn't hit a thing.
posted by tkchrist at 11:31 AM on December 3, 2009


For a second there I thought you said you had shot your cousin.
posted by brundlefly at 11:40 AM on December 3, 2009


tkchrist clearly thinks he's above the law.
posted by electroboy at 11:41 AM on December 3, 2009


Does anyone remember that time he was interviewed on Phil Donohue's show and told all these crazy tales...

I half-remember him on some talk show (Leno? Letterman?) draining every ounce of laughter from the studio audience by using his serious voice to reveal that AIDS was a man-made government plot of some kind.

(His tone, appropriately enough, channeled Kissinger.)
posted by rokusan at 12:03 PM on December 3, 2009


I was all over the place. Couldn't hit a thing.

I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my gun; he who shoots with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.
I kill with my heart.

(Everything I know about life, I learned from MetaFilter.)
posted by rokusan at 12:05 PM on December 3, 2009


With the real aikido and blues guitar skills, Seagal could have been part of Buckaroo Banzai's crew.

Seagal would be the worst Hong Kong Cavalier ever. He would give Perfect Tommy shit for being a pretty boy, mercilessly push New Jersey around, and probably get the shit kicked out of him when he tried his tough guy act on Rawhide. He can't sing or dance, and he'd snigger when Buckaroo said, "Don't be mean."

Oh, and hell yeah Danny Trejo. I just think the supporting cast for Machete will catapult it from fucking awesome to ball-blasting art.
posted by adamdschneider at 12:20 PM on December 3, 2009


a celebrity/cop/new orleans story, circa about 2 weeks ago:

friend of mine's son just became a cop w/new orleans police department about 2 months ago. son & sergeant (SS for purposes of this story) are patrolling & see a car with a taillight out. run the plates, car comes back stolen. siren, flashing lights, pull over car. male driver claims he lost his license and swears the car isn't stolen, as his female passenger can attest. duh. female passenger claims she's 17, doesn't have a license or any form of i.d., but her mom can vouch that the car isn't stolen if they let her make a call.

while she's talking to the mom, SS spy a purse in the back seat. 'is this your purse, ma'am?' 'no.' 'mind if i look inside?' 'uhhh ... ok.' yep. weed. and lo & behold! i.d.! which has the picture of the female passenger but with a different name. oh, boy. SS run the name & sure enough, female passenger has an outstanding warrant or two. uh oh.

in the meantime, a big black car with tinted windows pulls up & a nicely dressed woman steps out. it's the mother, who explains that the car was stolen but it was recovered & NOPD must have lost the paperwork. conversation is not going well when the passenger door of the big black car opens & out steps ...

donald sutherland, who apparently is in town making a movie. 'excuse me officer, perhaps i can be of assistance,' says donald sutherland with a smile as he extends his hand. 'sir, get back in your car!' sergeant says as his hand moves toward his gun. 'oh i think we can straighten this ... ' 'GET BACK IN YOUR CAR, SIR!' sergeant says. 'officer, do you KNOW who i AM?' says donald sutherland. 'sir, i don't give a fuck who you are, but if you don't get back in your car you're going to be taking a ride in mine!'

donald sutherland repaired to his vehicle, male driver (who, it turns out, also had outstanding warrants) & female passenger moved to the back seat of the cruiser, and SS, after depositing their fare at orleans parish prison, retreated to do their paperwork.

the end.
posted by msconduct at 2:57 PM on December 3, 2009 [2 favorites]


Maybe he'll run into Gene Lebell again! He confronted Seagal about abusing his stuntmen.

You mean, this story? (Audio interview about Gene LeBell choking out SS not once, but twice, with bonus tale about SS literally shitting himself after the second time--classic.)
posted by Hylas at 3:42 PM on December 3, 2009


To be fair LeBell is notorious for choking out everybody. A buddy of mine was MASS (Martial Arts SuperShow) in Vegas a few years back and LeBell came to his BJJ seminar. Afterward some young kid, about 17, comes up to LeBell hands him a sharpie and asks for an autograph. Everybody in the know smiled and takes a couple quiet steps back. Lebell just says "Sure, Kid. Sure." He motions for the piece of paper the kid has and when the kid reaches out LeBell arm drags him, takes his back and rear naked chokes him. In a about ten seconds, when the kid is out, he gently lays him down and writes Judo Gene LeBell on the kids forehead with the sharpie.

True Story.
posted by tkchrist at 3:55 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'd watch it to see him do his serious-guy squint, oh-so-different than his ass-kicking squint, or his concerned-about-puppies squint.
Also, maybe he'll run. Watching him run is just pure comedy, as he's soooo tough, and he runs like a girl.
posted by Zack_Replica at 4:45 PM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wow. I express my deepest condolences to any "criminals" to be depicted on this show.
posted by tehloki at 5:00 PM on December 3, 2009


tkchrist: Huh, I don't get it - Gene was offended by a kid asking for an autograph? Doesn't seem like him.

Hylas: Yup, that's it. Gene confirmed Seagal shit his pants in the other interview.
posted by ignignokt at 8:31 PM on December 3, 2009


Steven Segal on a typical call.
posted by telstar at 12:09 AM on December 4, 2009


To be fair LeBell is notorious for choking out everybody. A buddy of mine was MASS (Martial Arts SuperShow) in Vegas a few years back and LeBell came to his BJJ seminar. Afterward some young kid, about 17, comes up to LeBell hands him a sharpie and asks for an autograph. Everybody in the know smiled and takes a couple quiet steps back. Lebell just says "Sure, Kid. Sure." He motions for the piece of paper the kid has and when the kid reaches out LeBell arm drags him, takes his back and rear naked chokes him. In a about ten seconds, when the kid is out, he gently lays him down and writes Judo Gene LeBell on the kids forehead with the sharpie.

True Story.


tkchrist, what an asshole.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:40 AM on December 4, 2009


tkchrist: Huh, I don't get it - Gene was offended by a kid asking for an autograph? Doesn't seem like him.

No. The kid got up and thought it was awesome. It was pure affection. LeBell did things like that in exchange for autographs all the time. It was considered payment.

BTW. You do realize that if you do a RNC correctly (and as perfectly as LeBell) it is completely painless and extremely quick. You just go to sleep for a few seconds.

What happens in the UFC and things like that is you're seeing fighters struggling to defend the choke, digging their chin down, which gets the choker a partial air choke across the trachea rather than a blood choke on the arteries. It slows down the choke but hurts A LOT more and makes your face swell up and get red and all that. But if you get a RNC full on (especially standing) and the guy isn't defending it's just —BANG— lights out.

Some people think of RNC (Or Mateo de Leon) as dangerous becuase of deaths during police use of the hold. The issue with choke holds and cops is that 80% of the time cops don't how to do it right or working with somebody struggling and on drugs. They end up with either an air choke like a guillotine, damage the trachea, or the adrenaline is too high and they hold the choke way too long (there are no refs) and the perp goes into cardiac arrest.

Anyway. You just don't understand the sense of humor of martial artists I guess. Or. Maybe I'm just warped by doing this stuff for so long.
posted by tkchrist at 10:22 AM on December 4, 2009


Anyway. You just don't understand the sense of humor of martial artists I guess. Or. Maybe I'm just warped by doing this stuff for so long.

A little from column A and a little from column B, etc.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:27 AM on December 4, 2009


Oh, I understand how chokes work and am a judoka. (Well, theoretically. Haven't worked out in half a year.) I, and probably a lot of other grapplers, still wouldn't want to be choked out by surprise, though. Perhaps a poll should be conducted! Armbarred or footswept, maybe.

Guess I'd have to see it.
posted by ignignokt at 11:39 AM on December 4, 2009


No. The kid got up and thought it was awesome. It was pure affection. LeBell did things like that in exchange for autographs all the time. It was considered payment...You just don't understand the sense of humor of martial artists I guess.

Huh. I guess not!
posted by adamdschneider at 11:57 AM on December 4, 2009


Oh, I understand how chokes work and am a judoka.

Is that that art where guys with bellies stand around all bent over and pull on each others sleeves, occasionally hug each other, and kick at each others ankles for twenty minutes until somebody says one of them wins? They got chokes in there?

I KEEED. I KEEEEEED.
posted by tkchrist at 3:05 PM on December 4, 2009


Ha, yup. It's a beautiful art. Sniff.

Although that one BJJ throw where you jump up and wrap your legs around a guy's waist like he's a boyfriend that just got back from WWII is comparably elegant!
posted by ignignokt at 3:57 PM on December 5, 2009


Although that one BJJ throw where you jump up and wrap your legs around a guy's waist like he's a boyfriend that just got back from WWII is comparably elegant!

Hey. We invented tea-bagging.
posted by tkchrist at 12:57 PM on December 6, 2009


Although that one BJJ throw where you jump up and wrap your legs around a guy's waist like he's a boyfriend that just got back from WWII is comparably elegant.

What did you think the BJ in BJJ stood for? Don't kill me.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:20 PM on December 6, 2009


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