"The truth about cave men."

December 10, 2009 3:32 PM

Dr Kent Hovind (seen here previously) claims to hold a doctorate, but both he and its awarding institution (Patriot Bible University) have refused to publish his dissertation in any form. The WikiLeaks site has obtained a scanned copy; highlights include "the truth about cave men", the co-existence of humans and dinosaurs, and a null reference list.
posted by gene_machine (101 comments total)

I can't handle the truth.
posted by Joe Beese at 3:33 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I initially read that as "Parrot Bride University," which has all sorts of strange implications and dire meanings.
posted by Scattercat at 3:36 PM on December 10, 2009 [8 favorites]

In Chapter Fourteen we deal with the questions "Are Dinosaurs Extinct?"

Wow, way to make the "Satan planted the fossils" crowd look like the reasonable ones.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 3:37 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

For instance, if we released hundreds of rabbits in an area with cold winters, only the animals with the heavier fur would survive. So within a few years, the population would have a little heavier fur than the earlier populations. These small minor population shifts brought about by environment are referred to as 'micro-evolution.' There has been no change in the genetic material of the rabbit. There has only been a change in the ratio of the population.

Dumbass.
posted by exogenous at 3:37 PM on December 10, 2009 [21 favorites]

Hrm. How relevant is Kent Hovind right now, considering he's currently serving a ten-year sentence for tax fraud?
posted by decagon at 3:38 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dr Kent Hovind seems to have taken down wikileaks.
posted by boo_radley at 3:38 PM on December 10, 2009

I knew about Hovind, but I had no idea he attended freaking Patriot Bible University! That's amazing. Was his safety school Old Glory John 3:16 Apple Pie Community College?
posted by brundlefly at 3:41 PM on December 10, 2009 [55 favorites]

Guy who believes crazy shit wrote about crazy shit. Not sure why this is interesting.
posted by mrnutty at 3:41 PM on December 10, 2009

(2) Patriot Bible University?
posted by boo_radley at 3:42 PM on December 10, 2009

I downloaded a copy the other day and read portions of it. It is a magnificent piece of sheet batshit insanity rendered in 9th grade English. It is a fugue of borrowed, rambling unscientific fallacies atop a stream of fantasized persecution. Got get it.
posted by el_lupino at 3:43 PM on December 10, 2009

Yeah, I think this falls into "God created teh banana to be oh so sweet and oh so practical" territory.
posted by Dumsnill at 3:44 PM on December 10, 2009

Hey, I got the pdf from the nl mirror. Here's a mediafire link for easier downloading.
posted by boo_radley at 3:46 PM on December 10, 2009

why does jesus hate science?
posted by found missing at 3:47 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Wikipedia delivers a photograph of Patriot Bible University's sprawling campus.
posted by mullingitover at 3:48 PM on December 10, 2009 [20 favorites]

I actually find this far more entertaining than the typical lolcreationists posts. Maybe it's the fact that its long, so he has plenty of time to trace the history of evolution beginning directly with Satan(he even has a date for the fall of Satan). On the other hand, maybe it's the fact that he thinks Zoroastrianism is "still popular today."
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 3:48 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

An excerpt

The first and second laws of thermodynaimcs are well established scientific laws that have never been observed in the universe to be broken. The first law says that matter cannot be created nor destroyed by ordinary means. We do not see anything being created today, and yet we do see an entire universe of created material. This clearly indicates a Creator. There are people in the world today who wish to avoid the concept of God. They do not like the idea of a God telling them what to do. Therefore, they have come up with the most dangerous, damnable doctrine every (sic) imagined, evolution.

posted by boo_radley at 3:49 PM on December 10, 2009

Nine pin printer FTW!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:50 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is it normal for a thesis (1) to be called a book? (2) not to have citations (beyond the bible) or a bibliography?
posted by boo_radley at 3:53 PM on December 10, 2009

Please don't ask the questions that Satan would ask.
posted by found missing at 3:54 PM on December 10, 2009 [8 favorites]

mrnutty, my point is that he was awarded a Ph.D. for writing (badly) about "crazy shit". As the author of a legitimate, published Ph.D. thesis, I'm interested in interrogating not only creationism per se, but the mechanisms by which someone may obtain and use the title "Dr" (see also, for example, "Dr" Gillian McKeith).
posted by gene_machine at 3:54 PM on December 10, 2009 [6 favorites]

I believe we have been lied to about the age of the earth. Satan, the father of all lies, has come up with this one to make a fool of Jesus Christ.

Wow! This Satan fellow sounds pretty wicked! Anyone know where I can find some music extolling his roguery?
posted by Greg Nog at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2009 [16 favorites]

Patriot Bible University. That's just great.

Their website keeps saying that they're accredited, but they always say it as "accredited (non-governmental)" or similar. Then:

Patriot Bible University (as of October 2008) is accredited by the Accrediting Commission International. This accreditation is quality non-governmental Christian accreditation, that recognizes high standards of Biblical and academic training.

Accrediting Commision International's website's FAQ says:

Q. Do the benefits of membership justify the cost?

A. Yes. Absolutely! One of the first questions a prospective student asks a college or school is, "Are you Accredited?"

lol
posted by Flunkie at 3:59 PM on December 10, 2009 [14 favorites]

I'm amazed that he bothered to write out all 100 of those pages. You can summarize all his evidence and arguments by just reading the first and the last sentences

"Hello, my name is Kent Hovind... I believe Jesus was right."
posted by Midnight Rambler at 4:01 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

found missing: "Please don't ask the questions that Satan would ask."

FTFY


"I believe we have been lied to about the age of the earth. Satan, the father of all lies, has come up with this one to make a fool of Jesus Christ."

For some reason, this makes me think of Satan as Val Kilmer in "Real Genius," pulling the Jiffy Pop prank on Jesus (in the form of Robert Prescott).
posted by brundlefly at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2009

Has anyone, in the history of science, ever used the term "evolutionist" non-ironically? If they really want to break through with a new theory of the development of species, they should at least learn to respectfully use the language of science.

I'm sorry, I seem to have started laughing uncontrollably.
posted by mccarty.tim at 4:03 PM on December 10, 2009

boo_radley: "

The first law says that matter cannot be created nor destroyed by ordinary means. We do not see anything being created today, and yet we do see an entire universe of created material.

"
To stay that willfully ignorant of... well, practically everything takes hard work. I really want to write "not even wrong" as an annotation to almost every sentence in that quote.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 4:03 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

There's a lot of video of this guy on Google Video, and because there's no time limit, they're quite long, as Hovind wishes to be seen. It's great if you have nothing to do or just need some ambient crazy to play in the background.

Thus, they can't say "HEY, YOU QUOTED US OUT OF CONTEXT AND USED STRAWMEN!" The fact is Hovind is 100% batshitinsane, down to the very syllables of each phrase in his videos.
posted by mccarty.tim at 4:07 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

I also heard that he took a dump in Ali G's toilet and didn't flush it!
posted by Saxon Kane at 4:08 PM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

mccarty.tim: "If they really want to break through with a new theory of the development of species, they should at least learn to respectfully use the language of science."

A good place to start would be using the term microevolution properly.
posted by brundlefly at 4:09 PM on December 10, 2009

This is a glorious day for cave men skeptics around the world.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:11 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Saxon Kane: "I also heard that he took a dump in Ali G's toilet and didn't flush it!"

Alright, fine, so he's not all bad.
posted by boo_radley at 4:11 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I made an OCR version of dissertation for your copy-and-pasting pleasure. So much crazy, it's hard to know where to begin.

Tyrus is a type of Satan who lifted his heart up. Pride is mentioned repeatedly in the Bible as being one of the main things that God hates. I have noted several hundred references to pride that show God's attitude toward it. He hates it!! Here are several.
…
There you have just a few of the many verses in the Bible that deal with pride. God hates pride. In his pride, Satan decided he would exalt himself and take over the throne of God. This is where evolution started. It started in heaven in the heart of Satan.
posted by designbot at 4:15 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Not Godwinned until page 43.
But God wins throughout, I guess.
posted by fish tick at 4:17 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

That link should have been to here: OCR version of the dissertation .
posted by designbot at 4:18 PM on December 10, 2009

Oh, crap. I feel like such a Hovind. Let's try that again: OCR version of dissertation.
posted by designbot at 4:19 PM on December 10, 2009 [8 favorites]

Has anyone, in the history of science, ever used the term "evolutionist" non-ironically?

Ernst Mayr
posted by HP LaserJet P10006 at 4:21 PM on December 10, 2009

Nobody here would defend this, not even St. Bunny.

That is a rather extraordinary claim.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:27 PM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

I'm tired of people from these rinky-dink diploma mills getting fake doctorates and devaluing my PhD from Atheist Buttsex University.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:33 PM on December 10, 2009 [36 favorites]

I don't know if that is going to happen or not, but it could be that in heaven there will be brand new colors. I don't mean brand new shades or combinations of these colors that we are used to. I mean brand new colors.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kent Hovind: winner of the 1991 Hubbard Award in Drug-induced Theology.
posted by 0xFCAF at 4:34 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Atheist Buttsex University

Go Gamecocks!
posted by found missing at 4:36 PM on December 10, 2009 [14 favorites]

That is a rather extraordinary claim

This is true. I'm desperately hoping the extraordinary evidence will not show up.
posted by Dumsnill at 4:37 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nobody here would defend this, not even St. Bunny.

I'd almost be willing to take a stab at it just for fun but after having watched several Hovind videos on the local Christian television station I can't even come up with a smart-ass defense. After seeing him use the"watermelon defense"* to explain away the similarity of human and chimp DNA Hovind became my third favorite whacko after after John Ankerberg and the fun loving folks behind the "Pagan Invasion" series.

* "By the way, only 1/3 of one human chromosome has even been analyzed. Percentage of differences may not mean anything anyway. Watermelons are 97% water; clouds are 100% water. That is only a three percent difference. Does that prove that watermelons are related to clouds? Jellyfish and snow cones are both 98% water. Does that mean they are identical twins and the missing links between watermelons and clouds?"
posted by MikeMc at 4:42 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Atheist Buttsex University

GREETINGS FELLOW ALUMNI. I would heartily greet you in the traditional fashion but I am no longer permitted to engage in that particular activity within 500 feet of a school, library, or house of worship.
posted by elizardbits at 4:46 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

As the author of a legitimate, published Ph.D. thesis, I'm interested in interrogating not only creationism per se, but the mechanisms by which someone may obtain and use the title "Dr"

I refuse to call anyone who hasn't graduated from an accredited medical, dental or veterinary school "Dr." so in that sense Hovind's title is every bit as as legit as any other non-medical "Dr.". I'll be damned, I did find a way to defend Hovind. W00t!
posted by MikeMc at 4:50 PM on December 10, 2009

Did you guys know that the color magenta does not exist? Science cannot explain it. Ergo, it leaks into Earth from Heaven. Heaven makes no sense without God, and evolution makes no sense with God.

QED
posted by mccarty.tim at 4:50 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

devaluing my PhD from Atheist Buttsex University.

Do they teach "going rogue" there?
posted by MikeMc at 4:51 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I cannot believe this man has actually read any real evolutionary biology books. Doing so would immeaditely refute many of his claims. I need to have more faith in humanity than that.
Besides, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what the hell the laws of thermodynamics and evolution have to do with each other.
posted by jmd82 at 4:53 PM on December 10, 2009

Guys, let's quit harping on the Dr. formality. Some of my favorite products have dubious doctorates!

Dr Pepper is my favorite soda, and Dr. Bronner's magic soap lets me compulsively wash away the sin. Bronner never got a PhD; he was "only" a master chemist and amateur philosopher.

Just know this: When you come for the phony doctorates, you're also attacking Dr. Bronner, one of the most pleasant sources of batshitinsanity (and I mean that in the nicest possible sense).

If we need to make a compromise, phony doctors can all agree to shed the period (IE Dr Hovind), and real doctors can have periods (Dr. House). If a doctor wins a Nobel Prize or gets knighted by an accredited kingdom, he gets another period (Dr.. Steven Chu).
posted by mccarty.tim at 4:57 PM on December 10, 2009

Atheist Buttsex University

Ganna Grabba Kack for life, my brother!
posted by lumpenprole at 4:57 PM on December 10, 2009

I find it fitting that his Bibliography, like God, does not exist.
posted by ford and the prefects at 4:58 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

When I see "The Truth About Cavemen," I imagine a cheesy "Real Housewives of Chauvet Cave" reality show.

I now demand creationists write and act out a comedy sketch based on that premise. It would be Everything is Terrible history in the making.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:06 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Man, this thing is just all over the place, on page 82 there's even a poem! What it must be to live inside a head like that.
posted by lucidium at 5:07 PM on December 10, 2009

Dumsnill: "Nobody here would defend this, not even St. Bunny. We all agree, this is just silly, so what's the point of the post? It's not even funny."

I hadn't heard about this amusing document, and also through reading about Hovind's background I learned about his debate with Michael Shermer, who is a interesting guy. So this post is at least salvageable.
posted by mullingitover at 5:18 PM on December 10, 2009

I refuse to call anyone who hasn't graduated from an accredited medical, dental or veterinary school "Dr." so in that sense Hovind's title is every bit as as legit as any other non-medical "Dr.".

I hope my sarcasm meter is on the fritz, because otherwise, what the hell? Using "doctor" as a term for a learned academic precedes its use for medical professionals (the first Doctors were teachers of law).
posted by Saxon Kane at 5:27 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Submitted to Dr. Wayne Knight?
posted by ghharr at 5:31 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I hope my sarcasm meter is on the fritz, because otherwise, what the hell?

Because if you or other people refer to you as "Doctor" I'm going to start asking you about ways to relieve my sciatica and if you can't answer I'm gonna be pissed. Besides, it's fun in the same way calling police sergeants and detectives "officer" is.
posted by MikeMc at 5:35 PM on December 10, 2009

Michael Shermer, who is a interesting guy

OK, if you are serious about this, I can see why you are not bored where I am.

(Shermer is a good guy, did you notice the gorilla, but he has some idiotic libertarian ideas.)
posted by Dumsnill at 5:42 PM on December 10, 2009

I refuse to call anyone who hasn't graduated from an accredited medical, dental or veterinary school "Dr."

I'll just point out that the term "Dr." has been used for Ph.D.'s (originally in law) for about a millenium. In fact, I recall reading somewhere that the medical profession a few hundred years ago decided to borrow the title "Dr." from the philosophers in order to give their profession more legitimacy (which, given the blood-letting and leeches and vital humors and such, was something they desperately needed).
posted by math at 5:45 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ah! I see that Saxon Kane beat me to it.
posted by math at 5:46 PM on December 10, 2009

I don't know if that is going to happen or not, but it could be that in heaven there will be brand new colors. I don't mean brand new shades or combinations of these colors that we are used to. I mean brand new colors.

He's referring to Squant!
posted by dammitjim at 5:50 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Full text
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:05 PM on December 10, 2009

A high school science teacher in Florida...surprise!
posted by sfts2 at 6:09 PM on December 10, 2009

"We do not see anything being created today, and yet we do see an entire universe of created material. This clearly indicates a Creator."

This is perfectly true. Like, did you ever notice how every puddle fits the hole it's in - perfectly! Did you ever notice that? Notice?
Notice it. *shakes fist* Noootice iiiiiit!
posted by Smedleyman at 6:11 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

What Saxon Kane said:

Academic use of the term Dr. precedes the medical use. Those of us who spent f*nking years working to get PhDs in sciences or the humanities get bloody pissed when we're told that our work is equivalent to this batshit artist's mail-in diploma.

It's pretentious to use the Dr. title outside of the academy, and I don't, but I'm more wedded to it than to "Professor". I'm an assistant prof too, but that's is a job title -- the doctorate I earned.
posted by jrochest at 6:16 PM on December 10, 2009

Gee, there are a lot of academics on the blue :)
posted by jrochest at 6:17 PM on December 10, 2009

Darn it, I came here for an argument! I'm just commenting to say thanks to mccarty.tim for "ambient crazy".
posted by Area Control at 6:18 PM on December 10, 2009

Just to get the hang of the terminology, do we say someone who graduates with a Doctor of Ministry (DMin) degree has been DMinished?
posted by Wolfdog at 6:32 PM on December 10, 2009

Darn it, I came here for an argument!

I seem to have have started one with that doctor crack but I doubt you'll find any Kent Hovind devotees, or even apologists, around these parts. I will say that I unreservedly appreciate Doc Hovind for the entertainment he's provided me over the years. Shine on you crazy diamond!
posted by MikeMc at 6:37 PM on December 10, 2009

Piled Higher and Deeper, amirite?
posted by exogenous at 6:39 PM on December 10, 2009

I know about "accreditation", but they certainly seem to offer some solid science courses.

SC 208-Bible and Science
Based on research by Henry Morris, this study covers the harmony between science and the Bible, the problem with the theory of evolution, the validity of the flood, Biblical archaeology, and scientific insights into prophecy.

SC 211 - The Collapse of Evolution
Can the theory of evolution stand up to honest scrutiny by the sciences? In this course, Scott M. Huse explains a series of fatal flaws in the "proof" structure of biological evolutionary theories. This essential resource will help Christian leaders to intelligently answer the claims of evolution. And the author clearly shows that "evolution and biblical creationism are mutually exclusive and cannot be reconciled."

SC 331-Biology I
This one of six outstanding, illustrated courses covering the characteristics and types of birds, mammals, reptiles, sponges, mollusks and all other animal and plant life from a distinctively Christian point of view.

If I hundred bucks to spare I would definitely want to see what a distinctively Christian point of view on sponges and mollusks is.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:56 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just to get the hang of the terminology, do we say someone who graduates with a Doctor of Ministry (DMin) degree has been DMinished?

Hey! As a person who is currently ABD on my DMin, I can tell you that the proper term is "DMin possessed."
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:00 PM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

If I hundred bucks to spare I would definitely want to see what a distinctively Christian point of view on sponges and mollusks is.

I wonder how it compares to the Scientology view of mollusks (start with "The Clam and read through "The Weeper")?
posted by MikeMc at 7:11 PM on December 10, 2009

I think you're all getting it wrong on the accreditation/Dr debate. Patriot Bible University* doesn't hand out doctorate degrees. It hands out the lesser-known "Dr" degree: typographically similar, but pronounced very differently.

Therefore, if you saw Kent Hovind on the street (or on the PBU quad), the proper greeting would be "DURRRRRR Kent Hovind."

* Homecoming rival: Bastard Necronomicon Tech
posted by PlusDistance at 7:17 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've got a personal grudge against Ken Hovind, since he once lured me into some weird fundamentalist revival under the guise of an evolution debate.

On the bright side, the girl I was sitting next to was the only non Christian fundamentalist in the room. When the rest of the visitors started holding hands and chanting out the devil, we literally sprinted out of the room at the same time. Afterwards, we had coffee and I ended up dating her for about 3 years.
posted by Telf at 7:27 PM on December 10, 2009 [7 favorites]

> Yeah, I think this falls into "God created teh banana to be oh so sweet and oh so practical" territory.

No, apparently it's made out of moldy spider legs. The video from mccarty.tim is pure comedy gold.
posted by anigbrowl at 7:28 PM on December 10, 2009

What really pisses me off about the Ken Hovinds, Charlene Werners, and Glenn Blecks of the world is that they're really dumb. That sounds like a weird statement, but I that's exactly what I mean. They're fucking stupid. They don't understand what they're talking about. I mean Hovind's "thesis" reveals the working of a less than mediocre mind. He's quite simply too stupid and too lazy to actually learn what the fuck he is talking about.

They memorize a few buzzwords and randomly insert them into their statements:

"Crystal work because of Einstein's theory of Relativity and Newton's second law. Since energy can't be destroyed, if we put crystals up our asses, the energy will increase exponentially. Also, quantum physics and microevolution both prove that statistically speaking evolution is impossible. I like quarks."

It's like they're sitting down at a piano and smashing keys with their fists and yet they convince themselves that they're musical prodigies. Instead of spending any time actually learning how to play, they just pretend they can play.

What's messed up is that they convince other stupid people that they can play the piano as well.

It's almost not fair, it's like raising a chimpanzee as a human child, dressing it, then expecting it to do well in school. It's sad just how outclassed these people are.
posted by Telf at 7:28 PM on December 10, 2009 [9 favorites]

* Homecoming rival: Bastard Necronomicon Tech

Wait till you see the wacky hijinks that are going to ensue when the PBU Pious Protestants meet the Miskatonic Fighting Cephalopods in the Applebee's Honey Barbecue Riblet Bowl! Man, the BCS doesn't know what its started I'll tell you that!
posted by MikeMc at 7:30 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

highlights [of his dissertation] include "the truth about cave men", the co-existence of humans and dinosaurs, and a null reference list.

I'll bet his committee asked him to sing The Flintstones theme for his orals.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:48 PM on December 10, 2009

I like how Hovind hates on Mormons and Catholics in the video I linked to.

Seems he deeply needs the No True Scotsman fallacy to live. He wants to believe that if he kills evolution, people will have no choice but to embrace Christianity, the only other cogent explanation for the origin of intelligent life (unlike all those creation myths from "false" religions). Therefore, other Christian sects and Christians who believe in evolution are fake religions in the Hovindverse.

Also, what's with LOLXTIANS and bananas? For people who hate being compared to monkeys, they sure do like a monkey's favorite fruit.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:49 PM on December 10, 2009

Miskatonic Fighting Cephalopods

Go, Pods!
posted by octobersurprise at 7:50 PM on December 10, 2009

Where in the world did the idea come from that things left to themselves can improve with time? Who would start a crazy idea like that? This idea is the opposite of everything that we observe in the world today. For instance, all the highways in our nation today left to themselves decay, deteriorate, and fall apart. A house left to itself will become a wreck.

Hoo Boy. I can't argue with logic like that! Because living organisms that procreate are EXACTLY like roads.

In order to reach people that have been heavily influenced by evolution, we must first begin with the foundation, the creation. We can’t immediately quote John 3:16 because it sounds like a foreign language to them. They have been so brainwashed away from God by evolutionary philosophy that we must begin with the basics. We must slowly pry open their closed minds by getting them to answer the question, “Who is the Creator who made the world?”

I think maybe he is having trouble grasping the whole idea of atheism.

The next man we come to in tracing the history of evolution is a man by the name of Charles Darwin. Darwin was born in 1809 and died in 1882. He is most famous for two books that he authored. The second one was “The Descent of Man.” The first one, and most famous, is “The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection.”

It is astonishing that Hovind wrote this, gave it to Miss Kim Grundy to type it up, gave it to his wife to read and then turned it in as his thesis. Why bother? Why not just fork over $10.00 to Holy Word Of Lamb of God of Our Fathers University and claim the doctorate. This isn't even laughable. It is sad and pathetic, like an old bald man with a comb-over, hearing-aid, and liver-spotted hands trying to pick up girls on a collage campus.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

If I hundred bucks to spare I would definitely want to see what a distinctively Christian point of view on sponges and mollusks is.

SNAIL: Sinful. Takes thought for life and for raiment by carrying house on back. Compare FOWLS OF THE AIR.
SLUG: Sinful. Eats plants, which were given to man approx. 4006 B.C. Also, gross.
SQUID: Godly. Has ten limbs, symbolizing "X" for Christ.
SPONGE: Dangerous. Reproductive method very similar to sin of Onan. DO NOT APPROACH WITHOUT PRIEST.

posted by No-sword at 8:12 PM on December 10, 2009 [10 favorites]

How relevant is Kent Hovind right now, considering he's currently serving a ten-year sentence for tax fraud?

Come see the oppression inherent in the secular humanist system!
posted by MikeMc at 8:18 PM on December 10, 2009

Guys, let's quit harping on the Dr. formality.

Thank you!
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:27 PM on December 10, 2009

Because living organisms that procreate are EXACTLY like roads.

If life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long. QED
posted by eddydamascene at 8:35 PM on December 10, 2009

The video from mccarty.tim is fucking insane and terrifying; the leaps in logic would make Evel Kneivel shit his pants. I mean, besides the fact that he says that he works in "Creation science evangelism" -- which is a terrifying phrase -- his definition of the "humanist" worldview goes from 0 to Godwin in 3 seconds. If evolution is true, then humans are worthless protoplasm, but actually, they are worse than that because they pollute the environment and should all be destroyed. Huh? Satan tempted Eve by asking her a question, so I guess that means we better not ever ask questions, because they are wrong! And somehow eating the apple created the theory of evolution, because it is a lie that says that humans can become like God. Then, of course, he forgets Genesis 3:22: "And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever," which seems to suggest that the serpent was not actually lying.

And then he has the balls to mock Mormons for their wacky beliefs?
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:43 PM on December 10, 2009

MikeMc, quoting Hovind's "watermelon defense": "By the way, only 1/3 of one human chromosome has even been analyzed. Percentage of differences may not mean anything anyway. Watermelons are 97% water; clouds are 100% water. That is only a three percent difference. Does that prove that watermelons are related to clouds? Jellyfish and snow cones are both 98% water. Does that mean they are identical twins and the missing links between watermelons and clouds?"

Yes, because noting that two blueprints are virtually identical is the same as realizing that they're both printed on paper.

Good on you for calling that out. Jeez Louise. My brain is accordioning up against the front of my skull like a crash test vehicle as I'm reading that.
posted by Riki tiki at 8:58 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Telf: "On the bright side, the girl I was sitting next to was the only non Christian fundamentalist in the room. "

Today on the bus I turned around to see who was giggling, and saw two Chinese girls reading... "Jesus the Miracle Worker". It was making them laugh - maybe Kent Hovind wrote that one too?
posted by sneebler at 9:02 PM on December 10, 2009

A Project Submitted to Dr. Wayne Knight

Wayne Knight? If only.
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:21 PM on December 10, 2009

Guys, let's quit harping on the Dr. formality.

Oh, I dunno. I think it's atrocious that these fraudulent institutions are allowed to come anywhere near the term "doctor." You don't get to use "engineer" if your school doesn't meet government standards; the same should apply to "doctor." And what the hell, schools shouldn't be able to give out M.Sc. and B.Sc. certification without passing a proper standard.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:36 PM on December 10, 2009

Dr. Bronner excepted, of course. And Lily Pink.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:38 PM on December 10, 2009

Oh sure, fff, and next you'll be saying we shouldn't call Tom Parker a Colonel!
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:51 PM on December 10, 2009

I near broke my favoriting finger, so hard did I favorite this.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:46 PM on December 10, 2009

In Chapter Fourteen we deal with the questions "Are Dinosaurs Extinct?"

They're alive and well, and we call them "creationists"...
posted by problemspace at 10:58 PM on December 10, 2009

Bulgaroktonos: "In Chapter Fourteen we deal with the questions 'Are Dinosaurs Extinct?'"

Wow, way to make the "Satan planted the fossils" crowd look like the reasonable ones.

To be fair, I'd be a lot less surprised to find a non-extinct dinosaur somewhere, than to catch a red dude with horns and a pitchfork burying fake bones.
posted by Riki tiki at 11:11 PM on December 10, 2009

"Crystal work because of Einstein's theory of Relativity and Newton's second law. Since energy can't be destroyed, if we put crystals up our asses, the energy will increase exponentially."

Black box theory?
posted by biffa at 4:16 AM on December 11, 2009

You can take a street view tour of the university's campus.
posted by moonbiter at 5:18 AM on December 11, 2009

...and a null reference list.

(the obligatory Java developer joke is left as an exercise to the reader)
posted by joshwa at 5:43 AM on December 11, 2009

Hovind's stupidity has real-life consequences for kids. Here is an Ask Me Anything post from Reddit yesterday, from a woman who had home-school "science" classes with Hovind:

IAMA former pupil of shyster Kent Hovind, "Dr. Dino" who taught me and a class of homeschool kids all about "science."

It's very revealing, not just of how dumb Hovind is, and how deficient his instruction, but the level of respect and reverence those parents had for him was rather surprising to learn about
posted by LooseFilter at 8:05 AM on December 11, 2009

One summer, when I was in college, I had a job working for Satan. It involved burying dinosaur skeletons in the badlands of Montana where palenotologists were likely to find them. The pay was good, but the retirement benefits left something to be desired.
posted by dortmunder at 8:18 AM on December 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

Atheist Buttsex University

I graduated Magnum Cums Louder.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:26 PM on December 11, 2009