"Did he who cooked the Lamb cook thee?"

December 22, 2009 5:49 AM

China's last tiger... has been eaten.

Tiger poaching down -- because so few are left.
A "humano-centric" view: Stuff the tiger– long live extinction.
Coming soon to The Extinction Website.

posted by orthogonality (50 comments total)

Um, that "humano-centric" article reads like it was written by Ed Anger of Weekly World News fame. I'm assuming that it's not meant to be taken seriously? It's hard to tell anymore.
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:53 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Jeremy Clarkson is a knob jockey
posted by fire&wings at 5:55 AM on December 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

I will hoot with delight if a group of three to four Chinese villagers dismember and consume Jeremy Clarkson.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:56 AM on December 22, 2009 [9 favorites]

Cue "This Is Just To Say" parody.
posted by ardgedee at 5:59 AM on December 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

Yes, but how did it taste?
posted by dortmunder at 5:59 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

I will hoot with delight if a group of three to four Chinese villagers dismember and consume Jeremy Clarkson.

Apparently if you convince enough people that consuming the penis of an animal promotes virility, the animal will be hunted down in great numbers and the relevant organ will be harvested for sale. I'm not sure how you'd start a rumour like that about Clarkson, but Metafiler has many clever people and it is a worthy project.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 6:04 AM on December 22, 2009 [10 favorites]

Yes, but how did it taste?It'sssssss grrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeatttt!
posted by mpbx at 6:07 AM on December 22, 2009 [13 favorites]

Prosecutors said Kang did not need a gun to gather clams. Are you sure?


I wonder of Kang was meditating while in the forest? Ommmmm ... (nom nom).
posted by minimii at 6:08 AM on December 22, 2009

I'm not sure how you'd start a rumour like that about Clarkson, but Metafiler has many clever people and it is a worthy project.

yo dogg i heard you like jeremy clarkson's massively virile magical dick so i put jeremy clarkson's massively virile magical dick in your stomach so you can magical dick while you magical dick
posted by Greg Nog at 6:09 AM on December 22, 2009 [5 favorites]

I do enjoy starting mu day with no less than three repetations of the word "magical dick."
posted by The Whelk at 6:13 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

HRMPH. He didn't even stuff it with any rare, endangered birds or panda meat before cooking and eating it.
posted by Avelwood at 6:18 AM on December 22, 2009

dortmunder: "Yes, but how did it taste?"

Tastes like chicken.
posted by Joe Beese at 6:20 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Men, do you need smooth performance and extra power?

Driver: Well, then put a tiger in my tank!
Station Attendance: Certainly, sir.
Driver: What does the, uh, tiger do?
Station Attendant: Well, you’ll notice several things — smooth performance for one. Power formula Enco Extra gives you the high octane many cars need — and extra power. You see, our new power formula cleans the carburetor, neutralizes engine deposits, and helps restore power you’ve been losing.
posted by minimii at 6:22 AM on December 22, 2009

Bob Barker sings: "Here she is, your Kimodo Dragon..."
posted by fixedgear at 6:26 AM on December 22, 2009

If it was the only tiger of its kind left in China, it was going to die off anyway, right? Unless it was the last Indochine tiger that also mastered asexual reproduction.
posted by adamms222 at 6:28 AM on December 22, 2009

Better than those vegetables which may not want to be eaten.
posted by gman at 6:29 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Noted 19th century palaeontologist, William Buckland, claimed to have "eaten his way through the entire animal kingdom". Apparently his least favourite dishes were prepared from bluebottle and panther. His opinion about the culinary quality of tiger meat is, alas, not known.
posted by peacay at 6:31 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Prosecutors said Kang did not need a gun to gather clams.

as a fisherman, he must have realized that the best way to entice a tiger was with tuna fish sandwiches
posted by pyramid termite at 6:40 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Unless it was the last Indochine tiger that also mastered asexual reproduction.

Duh! Magical dick!
posted by Trochanter at 6:44 AM on December 22, 2009

Yeah, magical dicks and everything, but really, this is pretty tragic. I guess there's not much else to say than that, though, so I'm not gonna be all "HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT MAGICAL DICKS, YOU SHOULD BE SAD". Especially since practically every long thread I read on here these days is people ganging up on someone for daring to make some irreverent crack, and I side firmly on the side of fun against priggish outrage on general principle.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:03 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

"So why should I care if my children never see a tiger?"

This sentence from the written piece by Clarkson neatly captures a number of the greatest failings of human beings, ones that I have made great headway in overlooking and forgiving so that I do not think of more of us as being prime examples of tiger food.
posted by Mike Mongo at 7:03 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

"stand firmly"

Man, we really need an edit function up in here.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:07 AM on December 22, 2009

Given the chance, he would have done the same to you.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:13 AM on December 22, 2009

*Throws magic rock into lake*

Guess I have no use for that anymore.

Also:

.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:28 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Don't worry folks, still plenty of Soylent Green left.
posted by PlusDistance at 7:30 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Re: Not showing respect.

Haven't we all (those of us of a certain age and mindset) spent most of our lives lamenting these losses? Every so often a new outrage will be revealed, (this year's "The Cove" for example) and you're stunned again. But jeez, rhino horns, elephant tusks, bear gall bladders... my tragedy gland is almost empty.

What can be done? A war? A boycott of Asia? I think nothing. Ergo: magical dick jokes.
posted by Trochanter at 7:33 AM on December 22, 2009

There’s an awful lot of sentimentality around the concept of extinction. We have a sense that when a species dies out we should all fall to our knees and spend some time wailing. But why? Apart from for a few impotent middle-class Chinamen, or if you want a nice rug, it makes not the slightest bit of difference if Johnny tiger dies out. It won’t upset our power supplies or heal the rift with Russia. It is as irrelevant as the death of a faraway star.

You know what else wouldn't upset my power supply or heal a rift with Russia, Mr. Clarkson? You dying painfully in a car fire. Please see to it.
posted by cmonkey at 7:49 AM on December 22, 2009

> this is pretty tragic. I guess there's not much else to say than that, though, so I'm not gonna be all "HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT MAGICAL DICKS, YOU SHOULD BE SAD".

QFT. Getting drunk at the wake doesn't mean you're glad the old man died.
posted by ardgedee at 7:49 AM on December 22, 2009

These people seem to have fundamentally misread the Kellogg's Frosted Flakes adverts.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:56 AM on December 22, 2009

I'm not sure how you'd start a rumour like that about Clarkson

No recourse to rumor or magical hand-waving needed. It's simple.

If you consume Jeremy Clarkson's penis, you will save the world from a possible infestation of mini-Clarksons.
posted by adamrice at 8:06 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

The paper quoted the provincial Forestry Bureau as saying there was no evidence the tiger was the last one in China.

"No evidence at all! For all we know there are tigers everywhere! Perhaps behind that tree right there!" the Forestry official says, pointing at a bent signpost bearing a sign reading NO PARKING, "Tigers could be everywhere. Check your closet. Make sure you shake out your shoes before putting them on in the morning. Watch for them at work whether you make glorious custom dyed zipper pulls or if you work at The People's Food Grade Caustics and Lye For Export Processing Facility Number 39. I can't see over that building, can you? I bet there's a thousand tigers hiding on the roof of that building as we speak, frolicking in the sun and looking magically delicious!"
posted by loquacious at 8:06 AM on December 22, 2009 [9 favorites]

I've heard the pro-extinction arguments, and I've heard the anti-extinction ones.

If I didn't find the latter ones more convincing, I think I'd want to kill myself.
posted by box at 8:11 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

"A local court sentenced Kang to 10 years for killing a rare animal plus two years for illegal possession of firearms, the local web portal Yunnan.cn reported. Prosecutors said Kang did not need a gun to gather clams.

Four villagers who helped Kang dismember the tiger and ate its meat were also sentenced from three to four years for "covering up and concealing criminal gains", the report said. "

12 years for killing a tiger?!? 3-4 years for not telling anyone about it? Plus the fact that in China YOU have to prove that you are innocent.... God Bless America.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 8:12 AM on December 22, 2009

Previously
posted by euphorb at 8:13 AM on December 22, 2009

This is why we can't have nice ecosystems.
posted by Lou Stuells at 8:13 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know what else wouldn't upset my power supply or heal a rift with Russia, Mr. Clarkson? You dying painfully in a car fire. Please see to it.

Woah, a little too close to home if you ask me

That said, fuck Jeremy Clarkson and his contrarian impulses
posted by Think_Long at 8:32 AM on December 22, 2009

.
posted by yeloson at 8:37 AM on December 22, 2009

I've spent some time recently reading about highly endangered species and learning about some animals who are down to less than 50 or even less than 10 members of their species left in the world. Yesterday, I read of the Northern White Rhino whose world population is down to 8; only two of which are even fertile and in all likelihood may not ever breed.

Even the tiger population is still dangerously low at 1,000. I find all of this sad. These are entire species on the brink of disappearing forever. And we humans are often very much to blame and not willing to be less selfish and boneheaded (like this tiger killer) to care.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:48 AM on December 22, 2009

Prosecutors said Kang did not need a gun to gather clams.

He did if he was doing it right.
posted by brundlefly at 9:16 AM on December 22, 2009

(Oh damn, quoting it probably wasn't the best idea: mods, please feel free to delete this and my previous post)
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:23 AM on December 22, 2009

Oh, I don't know. As much as I hate Clarkson, he does have a point: past and future extinctions mean nothing to us. It's only the stuff that's alive now that we get all sentimental about. We seem to want everything that's alive now to exist forever but we don't want to do anything about the processes that make that impossible. Humanity is probably the biggest driver of extinction since the last big meteorite, but there isn't anything you can do about it. We are a product of nature and our success as a species has predictable effects on other species. We could drastically reduce our population but even if we manage it, the environment still changes, new species will arise, and existing ones will die out, including us.

Now, who wants to go over there and tell the Chinese to stop breeding. Anyone?
posted by klanawa at 10:07 AM on December 22, 2009

You know, I find Clarkson amusing on Top Gear. His "little boy in a man's body" commentary about cars and the stupid challenges are part of what makes that show really great. And the fact that Genesis' "Selling England By The Pound" is his favorite album is worth about 10 bonus points in my book.

But every time he opens his mouth about something that isn't prog rock or cars, he turns out to be a stupid git.
posted by hippybear at 10:08 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

I doubt Mr. Clarkson would be extolling the virtues of extinction if humanity was down to its last 1000 or so members. The cockroaches will be having a good laugh at his expense when they're feasting on his delectable privates.
posted by nightengine at 10:28 AM on December 22, 2009

I don't think I've ever heard the "fuck you, got mine" mentality applied to one's own offspring before.
posted by graventy at 10:30 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

but there isn't anything you can do about it

That’s just the thing; there is plenty we can do about it. See timber wolf and grizzly bear breeding and reintroduction programs, see ddt reduction and the corresponding resurgence in the Bald Eagle population. There are many examples of success stories that aren’t always popularized because they lack the immediacy of an impending extinction.

I really don’t think the fact that a lot of species facing extinction are in Asia means that there is no possibility for wildlife protection. There are Chinese people who care about animals too I wager.
posted by Think_Long at 11:27 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you consume Jeremy Clarkson's penis, you will save the world from a possible infestation of mini-Clarksons.

Too late: he making more mini-Clarksons through his access to TV and Internet outlets.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:39 AM on December 22, 2009

.
posted by Lobster Garden at 12:37 PM on December 22, 2009

"Even the tiger population is still dangerously low at 1,000. I find all of this sad. These are entire species on the brink of disappearing forever. And we humans are often very much to blame and not willing to be less selfish and boneheaded (like this tiger killer) to care."

It's the way we're made. Humans are very alert to immediate dangers like being attacked by a tiger, but we're not particularly sensitive to long term problems like the loss of genetic diversity in the biosphere. It's a quirk of evolution, but there's lots we can still do to slow down and otherwise mitigate the damage occurring during this latest extinction event.

The first thing I'd do is try to preserve as much natural habitat as possible, through private purchases or public parks, whatever method is most effective. This has already been done in a lot of places, but there's clearly a lot of work left to do in securing enough land to represent complete biomes, connect preserves with corridors, secure the borders of parks by working with communities that live on the edges, preventing poaching, and so on. It would really help if this was seen as a collective, worldwide task that needs doing (like the fight against global warming) instead of a bunch of individual problems in different places. I think this is an area where we all need to adjust our perception.

Next, I'd try to set up artificial preserves in friendly countries for animals and plants that probably can't be protected in their natural habitats. This would have to work in tandem with the first approach, serving as a fallback measure. Critically endangered animals like the White rhinos would go here.

And lastly, I'd try to set up some kind of genetic archive with DNA samples from as many different species as possible - with the endangered species given first priority. It may not help us now, but some day we may be able to clone the white rhino and Indochinese tiger and all those endangered amphibians, so we need as many samples as possible. It could be our last insurance policy for when the current extinction event is over and we need to repopulate the natural world.
posted by Kevin Street at 2:58 PM on December 22, 2009

.
posted by belvidere at 4:34 PM on December 22, 2009

Maybe we could at least try to learn from this and stop killing whales, but I doubt very much that will happen.

Only human arrogance could spawn the belief that as a species we will be around forever and that the rest of the Earth's biodiversity is irrelevant.

Extinction is a natural process, but that doesn't give humans the right to accelerate it. We do so at our own peril.
posted by bwg at 5:33 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]