Nude hockey player cast in bronze for Vancouver Winter Olympics

January 6, 2010 11:35 AM

Hot nude bronze gay hockey action. Do you associate the Winter Olympics with middle-aged curlers in warm-up jackets, Lycra-clad former linebackers sardined into a bobsled, and sparkly figure skaters’ outfits (and whatever the girls are wearing)? Oh, you’re so last century! For Vancouver 2010, the Olympics’ first-ever Pride House for gay athletes will feature a bronze sculpture (by Edmund Haakonson) of a hockey player. It’s a dude, and he’s naked save for skates, helmet, and gloves. Of course he’s carrying a big stick.
posted by joeclark (44 comments total)

Is this something I'd need maple leaf novelty underwear to understand?
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:37 AM on January 6, 2010

I wonder if he has realistic shrinkage.
posted by stavrogin at 11:39 AM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

What about our lesbian sisters? Do they get, like, a statue of FloJo and Nancy Kerrigan making out?
posted by hermitosis at 11:40 AM on January 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

Striking gluteal development.

From all the skating, I assume.
posted by Joe Beese at 11:40 AM on January 6, 2010

I don't think that's regulation gear.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:41 AM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

It is a symbolic expression of the concept that one who lives a life of noble ideals does not require protection.

Noble ideas never took a frozen puck to the nads at 100 miles per hour.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:44 AM on January 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

Do you associate the Winter Olympics with middle-aged curlers in warm-up jackets, Lycra-clad former linebackers sardined into a bobsled, and sparkly figure skaters’ outfits (and whatever the girls are wearing)? Oh, you’re so last century!

And naked Olympians are SO past millennia.
posted by zarq at 11:44 AM on January 6, 2010

Noble ideas never took a frozen puck to the nads at 100 miles per hour.

Not a problem. Check it out:

*tap* *tap*

It's bronze, see?

*tap* *tap*

The worst that would happen is a dent in an embarrassing spot or two.


Oh.....
posted by zarq at 11:46 AM on January 6, 2010

It's bronze, see?

*tap* *tap*

Ha! Jokes on you! It's one of those statue mime dudes!
posted by jquinby at 11:52 AM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh come on now, MetaFilter. I get it. You're not homophobic. It's okay. We've already kissed and made up. We're cool now.
posted by greekphilosophy at 11:57 AM on January 6, 2010

The joke is that you touched another man's penis.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:57 AM on January 6, 2010

Ha! Jokes on you! It's one of those statue mime dudes!

If there were naked mimes of such .. definition .. I think mimes (and their human statue cousins) would be mocked a lot less.

An amusing play on Doscobolus and other classic Greek statues, and I tip my hat to Canada for providing funds to artistic endeavor. If this was tried in the US, there'd be an outcry over the use of tax dollars for arts (and that of a naked man, none-the-less), confusion over what this "hockey" sport is (I joke), and it'd be an item of great excitement in the media, and probably someone would request that military patrol be reinstated as a sport.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2010

It is a symbolic expression of the concept that one who lives a life of noble ideals does not require protection

So... people who get hurt had it coming?
posted by brundlefly at 12:07 PM on January 6, 2010

brundlefly: " people who get hurt had it coming?"

Are you trying out for the 500 meter jumping to conclusions event?
posted by boo_radley at 12:11 PM on January 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

I was being a bit facetious, boo_radley. I just think it's a pretty silly interpretation of the sculpture.
posted by brundlefly at 12:16 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

It is a symbolic expression of the concept that one who lives a life of noble ideals does not require protection

I don't care how sculpted his bronzed body is, you need protection.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:20 PM on January 6, 2010

1. If only it was made of chocolate.

2. Cold enough to freeze the _______ off a brass _______ .
posted by scratch at 12:31 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Bronze Olympians reminds me that it is time to trot out my preference for two parallel Olympics. Standard and Enhanced.

In the Enhanced Olympics you are allowed to alter your body however you want. Steroids? Sure. Integral spring calves and rocket feet? Great. Grafted gills and webbed toes? Bring em on! The Standard Olympics is for the purists who want to find the limits of the human body. The Enhanced Olympics is for those who want to go trans-humanist.
posted by Babblesort at 12:31 PM on January 6, 2010 [6 favorites]

Disclosure: IANA gay man. But who doesn't like chocolate?
posted by scratch at 12:32 PM on January 6, 2010

1. If only it was made of chocolate.

Chocolate nuts FTW.
posted by zarq at 12:35 PM on January 6, 2010

brundlefly: "I was being a bit facetious, boo_radley."

Yes, I know. Tell me that a 500 meter jumping to conclusions event wouldn't be great, though.
posted by boo_radley at 12:38 PM on January 6, 2010

I'd slap it.
posted by kittyprecious at 12:39 PM on January 6, 2010

Apparently today is Big Gay Wednesday.
posted by Tin Man at 12:47 PM on January 6, 2010

(Oh, and if they turned PRIDE House into a reality show, I would totally watch. And I hate reality shows.)
posted by Tin Man at 12:48 PM on January 6, 2010

I don't want any youngsters to get the idea that this is the way to play hockey.
posted by Scoo at 1:00 PM on January 6, 2010

2. Cold enough to freeze the _______ off a brass _______ .

Ooh, let me see here..."witch" and "bra."
posted by NoMich at 1:03 PM on January 6, 2010

Us real Canadians know that this sculpture is obviously of someone in the pre-game warmup.

He'd wear a condom during the game for extra protection, of course.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 1:10 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Gods, I hate the Olympics. I wish this stupid province had never gone after it.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:10 PM on January 6, 2010

Worst art ever.
posted by fingerbang at 1:31 PM on January 6, 2010

Because nothing makes lesbian athletes feel more welcome than a big old statue of a naked man.

Note to GayWhistler and the people who created PRIDEhouse: If you want to have a place for gay men, go for it. Don't pretend that it's for lesbians as well when it obviously isn't.

I hate the "THIS IS A GAY and lesbian THING SO WE'RE HAVING LOTS OF NAKED HOT MEN TO SHOW OFF OUR GAY and lesbian PRIDE! REALLY, IT'S FOR LESBIANS, TOO!"
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:34 PM on January 6, 2010 [8 favorites]

Chocolate nuts FTW.

You'll love his chocolate nuts. They're Slapchopulus.
posted by drlith at 1:34 PM on January 6, 2010

boo_radley: "Yes, I know. Tell me that a 500 meter jumping to conclusions event wouldn't be great, though."

It would be, but they won't let me play. I'm a pro.
posted by brundlefly at 1:37 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yeah, great, Sidhevil, but (a) gay guys in sports are more closeted than lesbians in sports, so attracting them is a justifiable form of affirmative action and (b) the artistic antecedents of this sort of sculpture are male, not female.

Not every single goddamned thing in Our Diverse Gay Communities has to appeal to absolutely everybody.
posted by joeclark at 1:53 PM on January 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

It is a symbolic expression of the concept that one who lives a life of noble ideals does not require protection, does not need to cover because there is nothing to hide.

Except the only thing he's wearing aside from the necessary sports implements is protective gear. What an awkward metaphor.

That, and I know all nudity is not inherently sexual, but it kind of undermines the repudiation of the stereotype that gay culture is sex-charged when the gay icon is an naked guy.
posted by explosion at 1:55 PM on January 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

Not every single goddamned thing in Our Diverse Gay Communities has to appeal to absolutely everybody.

No, but this whole PRIDEHouse promo is so GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY lesbian GAY GAY GAY GAY that the statue is just the icing on the boyzone cake.

Again, it would be completely awesome for them to have a place just for gay guys. Having a place that's supposed to be for gays and lesbians and making it look like a place just for gay guys sucks.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:14 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Slapshotolus"? Dumb.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:38 PM on January 6, 2010

Pah!

Real hockey players know to always wear a cup.
posted by bwg at 3:58 PM on January 6, 2010

I don't want to live in a world where someone can post a link to a bronze statue of a giant, muscled, naked hockey player, and leave out any links to the full frontal. C'mon.
posted by Poppa Bear at 4:03 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Is this part of the new Metafilter policy to make teh Gays feels extra welcome? Because if so, thanks.

Is there a fetish for statue fucking? Because if so, I've just realized I have it.

And I don't even care that "he's" naked. The back muscles alone sold me.

Christ, I've become *that* gay now, haven't I?

I'll get my coat (and head to the Chicago meetup where I'll have to be on my bestest behavior)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:07 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wrap around
five-hole
holding the stick
yeah, I got nothing.
posted by furtive at 7:44 PM on January 6, 2010

Sidhevil, you have reasserted your point without alteration so I’ll do the same. Not every single “gay” thing also has to be a “lesbian” thing even if you personally think it’s false advertising. Nobody is ever surprised when an elite female athlete is a lesbian. People are often nothing short of horrified when elite male athletes are gay. They need more help, and if it takes a bronze wang to do it, I’m fine with that.
posted by joeclark at 9:15 PM on January 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

so, in other words, zarq would tap that?
posted by hippybear at 10:04 AM on January 7, 2010

Metafilter: if it takes a bronze wang to do it, I’m fine with that.
posted by hippybear at 10:06 AM on January 7, 2010

Is there a fetish for statue fucking?

Agalmatophilia
posted by eatyourcellphone at 12:45 AM on January 8, 2010