Two Gentlemen of Lebowski

January 7, 2010 9:40 AM

The Big Lebowski as written by Shakespeare.
posted by Eideteker (105 comments total)

OMG. Love this. You made my day!
posted by bunnycup at 9:46 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Goddammit people it's not an f it's a long s.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:48 AM on January 7, 2010 [11 favorites]

Holy crap... this is actually pretty good. Like I-have-shakespeare-minor-and-recognize-that-this-isn't-loose-balderdash pretty good. Huh. This is a most excellent sign for my morning. Hot damn.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 9:49 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ha!
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:53 AM on January 7, 2010

[He raises his sword, and smites the car]
This befalleth when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks, Laurence! Understand’st thou? Dost thou attend me? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?!
posted by notsnot at 9:55 AM on January 7, 2010 [13 favorites]

This is awesome.
posted by Nattie at 9:57 AM on January 7, 2010

THE KNAVE
I am conducted to a gentle bath.
Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this Knave
Clean from the land?
[Alarums. Enter OLIVER and the two NIHILISTS, bearing a marmot]... See More
Forsooth! This be a place
Of residence, and much a private place.—
O excellent marmot!


...I am speechless.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 9:58 AM on January 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

THE KNAVE
I pray you, be of good humour.

WALTER
I am as calm as still waters, Knave.

THE KNAVE
As steel waters, I’ll warrant; put up thy
Icy blade! Crack not gory tales of war!

WALTER
My calmness exceeds thine.

THE KNAVE
Be of ease, I pray you! Be of good cheer,
And let us not repeat what happen’d here!

WALTER
My calmness exceeds thine. But hark; here comes a visitor.

I was very much expecting some half-assed, one-note CollegeHumor.com gag, but this is some good shit right here. Rhyming terminal couplets and everything. Fuckin' A. The Knave abideth indeed.
posted by gompa at 9:59 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

QUINCE
Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu.
posted by Comrade_robot at 10:01 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?!

See, this is the way sanitized television should be done.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 10:02 AM on January 7, 2010 [6 favorites]

The guy who wrote this MUST find a way for it be preformed. I'd pay for a ticket and everything.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 10:06 AM on January 7, 2010 [8 favorites]

Best post of the day, easily.
posted by jquinby at 10:08 AM on January 7, 2010

Brilliant.
posted by valkyryn at 10:08 AM on January 7, 2010

Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse again
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:10 AM on January 7, 2010 [5 favorites]

I think I'm going to like this. Back soon!
posted by Mister_A at 10:10 AM on January 7, 2010

OK I haven't quite finished it but FRICKIN AWESOME!
posted by Mister_A at 10:12 AM on January 7, 2010

This made me realize I'd never understood what Sam Elliot is saying at the beginning of the movie. I thought the dude is a nickname one would not self apply, because it is a cool name that should be given to you by others.

Lebowski, then,
Did call himself ‘the Knave’, a name that I,
Your humble chorus, would not self-apply
In homelands mine; but, then, this Knave was one
From whom sense was a burden to extract,
And of the arid vale in which he dwelt,
Also dislike in sensibility;

The Knave is a nickname one should not self-apply, because who would self apply a ridiculous name like that.
posted by edbles at 10:13 AM on January 7, 2010

Goddamn! My girlfriend is going to love this.
posted by d1rge at 10:14 AM on January 7, 2010

BROTHER SEAMUS, an Irish monk

Awesome!
posted by Esteemed Offendi at 10:15 AM on January 7, 2010

This is AWESOME... really, really, really well done!!
posted by newper at 10:16 AM on January 7, 2010

MAUDE
Come, Geoffrey. While the good doctor examines,
I’d have a song, if it pleases thee.

THE KNAVE
[sings]
“Imagination setteth in
To maketh man to wish to sing,
Hey-nonny-no, looking out my back door;
Bother me tomorrow
For today I buy no sorrows.
Hey-nonny-no, looking out my back door.”

_

Wow. Nailed it.
posted by Iridic at 10:20 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

BONNIE
And a lady of good housekeeping and agriculture besides, minded to economy and all practicalities. Were thou to bring a gentle cock to mine bed-chamber, I might help him to success for ten shillings.

THE KNAVE
Such a lady of talents I have scarcely seen.

BRANDT
Yes, a most forthright jest! Free of spirit and good generosity, she is the nimble nymph of Neptune, and we mark her with good humour.

BONNIE
Free of spirit but ne’er free for flesh. Were I to regale thee with parts of my humour, I would not bid Brandt hear the play ere he paid a shilling himself.

BRANDT
Hark, a marvelous jest; but, I pray you, we dare not tarry. Come, Knave.
posted by ColdChef at 10:20 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

I. Love. This.
posted by ColdChef at 10:21 AM on January 7, 2010

WALTER
On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn
To keep tradition, form and ceremony.
The seventh and the last day rests the Jew;
I labour not, nor ride in chariot,
Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook,
And sure as Providence I do not roll.
Hath not a Jew rights? Hath not a Jew hands,
Organs, bowling-balls, Pomeranians?
If you schedule us, must you not do right?
If we step o’er the line, do we not mark it nought?
The Sabbath; I’ll roll not, God-a-mercy.
posted by ColdChef at 10:22 AM on January 7, 2010 [10 favorites]

Brilliant.
posted by The World Famous at 10:22 AM on January 7, 2010

This really is fantastic.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:23 AM on January 7, 2010

This made me realize I'd never understood what Sam Elliot is saying at the beginning of the movie. I thought the dude is a nickname one would not self apply, because it is a cool name that should be given to you by others.

Sam Elliot's character is a cowboy. A "dude" is an ill-bred and ignorant, but ostentatious, man from the city. Or, in other words, Elliot's cowboy would never call himself a "dude", since that is an insult to a man like him.
posted by aerosolkid at 10:24 AM on January 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

JAQUES TREEHORN
A playwright and theatre-man am I,
With tendrils dipp’d in lakes of many stripes,
In printed words, in dumb-show and in court.

THE KNAVE
Which be “Log Jamming”?
posted by ColdChef at 10:24 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Brilliant!

CHORUS
“The Knave abideth.” I dare speak not for thee, but this maketh me to be of good comfort; I deem it well that he be out there, the Knave, being of good ease for we sinners. I hope he proveth well in the tourney.
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
And all wrapp’d up be this idle theme,
A noble and a pretty story-dream
Made me laugh to overtake the band,
Parts, in sooth; and others less so scann’d.
I did not like to see Sir Donald go,
But then, the fellow wise is like to know
That on the way’s a little Lebowski
Perpetuating human comedy
Down through the generations; westward on,
Across the sands of time—but heed my song;
I ramble again, and so must take my leave,
And hope thou liked my tale of the good Knave.
If we be friends, I’ll catch thee down the trail
And we shall share sarsaparilla ale.
For never was a story of more glee
Than this of Geoffrey and the big Lebowski.
posted by ColdChef at 10:26 AM on January 7, 2010

Can we dare to hope to see this actually performed?
posted by jquinby at 10:29 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

"I was very much expecting some half-assed, one-note CollegeHumor.com gag, but this is some good shit right here."

I don't need you to tell me how good my post is, okay? I'm the one who posted it, I know how good it is. When Bonnie posts something, she posts shit. I post the gourmet, excellent links, because that's what I wanna read. But you know what' on my mind right now? It ain't my FPP on the frickin Blue, it's—

Oh wait, there goes the poster ruining his own post. Wrong movie, anyhow.
posted by Eideteker at 10:32 AM on January 7, 2010 [14 favorites]

This may be the greatest thing I have ever seen.
posted by WidgetAlley at 10:34 AM on January 7, 2010

This is totally magic unicorn ass, amirite?
posted by Mister_A at 10:36 AM on January 7, 2010

I'm ashamed to say I've never actually seen The Big Lebowski, despite the fact that my best friend models himself after the Dude, there are at least two copies of it in my house, and I can watch it online for free. I hereby pledge to watch it within the next week.

Also, previously.
posted by maqsarian at 10:40 AM on January 7, 2010

This is so awesome, and I'm desperately trying to figure out how I can convince my brother to get his drama students to do at least one scene from this.
posted by stefanie at 10:48 AM on January 7, 2010

This is so awesome, and I'm desperately trying to figure out how I can convince my brother to get his drama students to do at least one scene from this...and then record it and share it with the MetaFilter community.
posted by ColdChef at 10:53 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

> I'm ashamed to say I've never actually seen The Big Lebowski...

I think it's kind of like Harry Potter; you kind of have to see it if you hope to understand various references. I follow a podcast/forum where all they ever talk about is F&SF, and they love TBL.

Accio Lebowski!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:53 AM on January 7, 2010

This befalleth when thou finds a stranger ‘twixt the Alps, Laurence!
posted by Mcable at 10:54 AM on January 7, 2010 [9 favorites]

Obviously thou art not a golfer.

Oh man, I'm so happy I might just soil my own rug.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:56 AM on January 7, 2010

Can we dare to hope to see this actually performed?

There are Lebowski festivals man, someone will at least set up part of it.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 10:56 AM on January 7, 2010

This is a good job. And thorough.
posted by Mcable at 10:58 AM on January 7, 2010 [26 favorites]

THE KNAVE
And all the Knave e’er wanted was his rug
As spoken of, which tied the room together.
Look sharp! Darkness overtakes the Knave,
Of blacker shade than cattle’s secret parts
On moonless nights in Devonshire. I fall.
It hath no bottom, not this taste of sin;
I drop to see condition that I’m in.

WIN.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 11:01 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Thank you, thrice thanks!
posted by arcticseal at 11:02 AM on January 7, 2010

The best part about this is that the one-off movie quotes that people shit into threads will now be in iambic pentameter.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:05 AM on January 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

Didst thou attend the Knave’s tragic history, Sir Donald?

Like a few others, I feared some leaden tone-deaf single-joke page by someone who figures adding "-eth" willy-nilly to verbs is what it gives it that Authentic Shakespeare Flavour (TM) but this is actually fairly amusing.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:07 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

and then record it and share it with the MetaFilter community.

... at the every least, a subset of the MetaFilter community should get together and record a reading of it.
posted by COBRA! at 11:21 AM on January 7, 2010

1.2
[The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to play at ninepins]

gold
posted by hangashore at 11:24 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Nihilists! I am beshrewn. Say what thou wilt
Of fascist tenets, Knave; it seeks to stand
Philosophy and politic, not void.

Absolutely fantastic.
posted by slimepuppy at 11:27 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

A few too many winking callbacks to actual verses from Shakespeare, but that's a minor quibble. It's sort of like saying "all this free money in my wallet is giving me lower back pain."

This is excellent.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:30 AM on January 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

Best of the web.
posted by somergames at 11:32 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

WALTER
Nay, fear him not, nor his unworthy joys.
Recall the tragic tale of the pageboys.

[Exeunt WALTER and DONALD]

Really excellent.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:33 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

THE KNAVE
Might men of modest means who need thine urn
Be borrowers of it till our return?

WALTER
Sorrow and grief hath vanquish’d not our powers;
We are not saplings weak in tragic hours.

Love it.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:37 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

So the guy who actually wrote this also started a thread on the somethingafwul forums. Apparently it's now gone big across the web since Alyssa Milano tweeted it. He also mentions that he is happy to see it performed etc as long as he gets credit because he wrote it partially to get attention for his other projects. There's also a facebook page


He should really, really take a shot at Pulp Fiction.
posted by Erberus at 11:47 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

THE KNAVE
I wonder if he be to fix the cable.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 11:49 AM on January 7, 2010

LEBOWSKI
Naught is bespoil’d? Zeus’ noble chariot hath crashed into yonder mount!

This is just far too hilarious.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 11:50 AM on January 7, 2010

I be the walrus.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:56 AM on January 7, 2010

Ever thus to haters of Jewry!
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:56 AM on January 7, 2010

I am in Louisville.

I attend Lebowski-Fest.

I took theatre classes in school, won state awards in acting while in high school, and I have a B.A. in English Literature.

Who wants to put this on at Lebowski-Fest 2010? The Fest should happen around mid-July.
posted by magstheaxe at 12:02 PM on January 7, 2010 [6 favorites]

Verily, this shit rocks!
posted by Mister_A at 12:04 PM on January 7, 2010

This really ties five years of high school English classes together.
posted by Shepherd at 12:07 PM on January 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

Yes. Nailed it.
posted by cavalier at 12:08 PM on January 7, 2010

Who wants to put this on at Lebowski-Fest 2010?

I just sent this to one of the founders. Buy me a White Russian if it happens.
posted by Mcable at 12:13 PM on January 7, 2010

from the facebook page, "Update at the 24 hour and 7 minute mark: apparently Jeff Bridges has been sent the link, and has abided."

life at internet speed.
posted by nomisxid at 12:44 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Holy shit, this is superb.
posted by everichon at 12:45 PM on January 7, 2010

O toe!
Thou wouldst have a toe? A toe can be obtain’d.
Ways are known, Knave. Thou wilt not like to hear.
I’ll have a toe for thee this afternoon
Ere singeth cockerel at three o’clock.
These amateurs would have us soil’d with fear.

just. wow.
posted by h0p3y at 12:49 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Truly up there with the best Francis Bacon' plays.
posted by rainy at 12:56 PM on January 7, 2010

According to the Facebook page, Bertocci has already gotten multiple offers to produce and publish, and the link has been sent to Jeff Bridges, just a day after going online. This thing seems to be going viral like a bioweapon.
posted by zennie at 1:09 PM on January 7, 2010

This is really quite superb.

BONNIE
[sings]
“With toe-nails of verdant and forester’s green
With a hey-nonny-no and a hey-nonny-nonny
Blow thrice on my toe-nails and I’ll be thy queen
And ever preserve me as thine, blithe and Bonnie.”
[to THE KNAVE]
I pray you, sir, blow.

posted by fiercecupcake at 1:11 PM on January 7, 2010

A Minneapolis theater company apparently already has plans to produce it.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:17 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

JAQUES TREEHORN
The brightest heaven of invention
May yet compass wonders fit for devils
In greatest fair effects of future hopes.
Such plays may well transport us all beyond
This ignorant present.

THE KNAVE
Faith, an excellent dream;
But I still read Ben Jonson manually.

JAQUES TREEHORN
Ay, there’s the rub.

Genius.
posted by valkyryn at 1:19 PM on January 7, 2010

I'm home sick today, and fell asleep while reading this. I seriously dreamed I was in a setup similar to the Big Lebowsky, living in a crappy apartment in LA, and being threatened by a collection thug. Of course after I pumped a couple of bullets into his convertible, he went back to his home across the street, and we agreed to meet to play rpgs: Runequest, 2nd. edition.

My subconscious is weird.
posted by happyroach at 1:20 PM on January 7, 2010

Please, God, let one or both of the Cohen Brothers be sent the link!


Oh, and John Goodman, too. I can just see him as Walter, waxing Shakespearean. "Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?!"
posted by magstheaxe at 1:28 PM on January 7, 2010

I so want this bound in leather on my bookshelf, complete with annotations, and editors note, and the comments from this thread in the afterword.
posted by jabberjaw at 1:49 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

A Minneapolis theater company apparently already has plans to produce it.
posted by Astro Zombie

Who? When? Where?
posted by COBRA! at 1:50 PM on January 7, 2010

Who? When? Where?

Without giving too much away, I suspect Mr. Zombie himself is either planning to produce or work with his associates in the MN theater business to produce it.

OR it's a blackbox show performed by Astro Zombie, Astro Zombie 2, and Astro Zombie 3.
posted by cavalier at 1:59 PM on January 7, 2010

Thank god. Something good.
posted by nola at 2:05 PM on January 7, 2010

A Minneapolis theater company apparently already has plans to produce it.
posted by Astro Zombie

First Klingon Christmas Carol, now this? Oh how I love thee, Minnesota.
posted by Esteemed Offendi at 2:07 PM on January 7, 2010

DONALD
Then might we dine on beefsteaks, in and out?

so good....
posted by OHenryPacey at 2:15 PM on January 7, 2010

Cast it from thy sievelike books of memory, Sir Donald; thou art out of thy element.

If I were a multi-billionaire, I would pay someone to mount this play and hire the original cast. Just keep upping the offers until they HAVE to do it.
posted by Danf at 2:24 PM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Holy crap this is good.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:26 PM on January 7, 2010

Clicked on the link without reading this thread, prepared to hate it.

Lost track of time while reading it. Overwhelmed by its excellence.

Please, please, please, God, let this play come to life.
posted by lord_wolf at 2:39 PM on January 7, 2010

He should really, really take a shot at Pulp Fiction.

In the mean time, describe Marcellus Wallace to me, pray.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:00 PM on January 7, 2010

Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?!
posted by the_bone at 3:44 PM on January 7, 2010

It seems I'm just echoing other comments and adding nothing, but still, I need to say it: This is absolutely fantastic.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:49 PM on January 7, 2010

He needs a MetaFilter account. Assemble!
posted by cavalier at 3:51 PM on January 7, 2010

Assemble!

Ha. I read this and imagined all of the MeFites assembling into a giant Voltron and springing into action.
posted by The World Famous at 3:55 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm tripping over myself here. Holy shit this is good.
posted by flippant at 5:37 PM on January 7, 2010

I really appreciate the effort that went into that.

Brilliant and still funny.

QUINCE
Thou dunce, thou varlet; whence this day of rest?
To bowl on Sabbath matters not to me
And fools me not; it may deceive the leaguesmen,
But none of woman born fools Joshua.
Thy games of mind are fit for childrens’ spoils,
And laughable; my act is but delayed,
For if I will not have thee Saturday
I’ll surely have my way with thee mid-week.
This Wednesday thou and I a-courting go;
Think well on it!
posted by bwg at 5:47 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I love when the original phrasing shines through untouched. "Ever thus to deadbeats!"
posted by breath at 6:41 PM on January 7, 2010

MISTRESS QUICKLY
And I thee sadder thoughts,
My heart wept when I heard of Donald’s fall.

THE KNAVE
‘Tis well; sometimes thou exits in pursuit
Of bear, and sometimes he doth pursue thee.


Holy crap that's brilliant.
posted by Ndwright at 9:17 PM on January 7, 2010

So this is what unemployed humanities graduates do with their copious free time.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:30 PM on January 7, 2010

Bravo. Like so many, I expected something lame ... and how wrong I was.

Even a simple stage reading with the principals would be spectacular. If nothing else, I suggest it be recorded on video and included on the inevitable Super Double Plus Extra DVD release that will eventually go on sale (as they always seem to).
posted by pmurray63 at 11:14 PM on January 7, 2010

I bet this guy isn't an 'unemployed humanities graduate' anymore Jacqueline! There will HAVE to be a production of this genius work.
What next for re-imagining TBL? Seneca? Euripides? Beckett?
posted by honey-barbara at 12:26 AM on January 8, 2010

Mcable: I've sent a note about it to the Kentucky Shakespeare Festival via their Facebook wall. If they've got any sense, they'll contact LebowskiFest about staging at least a reading at this summer's event.
posted by magstheaxe at 4:19 AM on January 8, 2010

Win!
posted by Xany at 4:39 AM on January 8, 2010

shakespeherian: Goddammit people it's not an f it's a long s.

Fhomre Fhabbas! Fhomre Fhabbas!
posted by mkultra at 5:38 AM on January 8, 2010

I've sent a note about it to the Kentucky Shakespeare Festival via their Facebook wall.

You rule. I might owe you a White Russian.
posted by Mcable at 5:45 AM on January 8, 2010

o god let there please be a Beckettsian (?) version of Lebowski.

*waiting for it*
posted by Eideteker at 7:56 AM on January 8, 2010

*waiting for it*

I see what you did there.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:00 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

This was about a thousand times better than I thought it would be. A+++++++ would pay to see on stage.
posted by grobstein at 12:08 PM on January 8, 2010

Facebook update:

DMTheatrics in association with Horse Trade Theater Group proudly present
the exclusive NYC premiere of
The most excellent comedie and tragical romance of
THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF LEBOWSKI
being the amusing misadventures of the Knave and Sir Walter

written by Mr. Adam Bertocci
inspired by the works of Mr. William Shakespeare and the Bros. Coen
Produced by Michele Schlossberg and Frank Cwiklik
Directed by Mr. Frank Cwiklik

March 18th thru April 4th 2010
The Kraine Theater, 85 East 4th St, NYC
Thursdays 8 PM, Friday thru Sunday 7:30 PM sharp

---

36 hours post to slate. Impressive.
posted by mwhybark at 9:17 PM on January 8, 2010

In the parlance of his time.
posted by punkfloyd at 8:58 AM on January 10, 2010

He should really, really take a shot at Pulp Fiction.

Someone already is.

(Well, someones, anyway -- I contributed the Ezekiel 25:17 speech myself.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:52 AM on January 12, 2010

I don't know how I missed this before. I am very much liking.

LEBOWSKI
Make me to understand, sir, for you are slow of speech as I of step, and I am unsatisfied in motive. When any rug is micturated upon within these city walls, must I stand accountable? Or are you as one of a thousand rogues, fishing for sixpence betwixt another man’s pursestrings? Are you a labourer, Master Lebowski, earning that you eat, getting that you wear?

THE KNAVE
Let me not to the marriage of false impressions deny impediments. I am not Master Lebowski; thou art Master Lebowski. I am the Knave, called the Knave. Or His Knaveness, or mayhap Knaver, or mayhap El Knaverino, in the manner of the Spaniard, if brevity be not in thy soul nor wit. A Knave by any other name would abide just as well.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:52 PM on January 14, 2010

Dudeism, the faith that abides in The Big Lebowski
posted by homunculus at 4:28 PM on January 20, 2010