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The giant bear flies a fighter plane and destroys the earth.
January 18, 2010 2:12 PM   Subscribe

A giant polar bear is awakened by an icebreaker and jumps into a fighter jet and destroys the earth. The Big Dipper explodes and turns into a bear which then destroys the moon and Anchorage and then goes to Fairbanks. A Grizzly bear is awakened by a cheering crowd and smashes the town and throws a rocket football. A space bear is awakened by the Nanook signal, destroys a Red Hawk, turns into a giant bear and destroys the roof.

These are game openers for events at the Carlson Center in Fairbanks, Alaska and are everything that is awesome about minor league sports.
posted by Lord_Pall (53 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

 
Jeez, maybe it should look into an anger management seminar.
posted by Skygazer at 2:14 PM on January 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


Ha ha, cool.

Why does fighter pilot Bear destroy Notre Dame and Ohio State, though? Is that some kind of obscure, Grandpa-Simpson-esque regional hatred?
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:16 PM on January 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


Sports is serious business. SERIOUS BUSINESS!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:17 PM on January 18, 2010


Why does fighter pilot Bear destroy Notre Dame and Ohio State, though? Is that some kind of obscure, Grandpa-Simpson-esque regional hatred?

I thought those were enemy hockey teams or something.
posted by Lord_Pall at 2:18 PM on January 18, 2010


A grizzly bear eats Timothy Treadwell; Werner Herzog sadly shakes his head and says, "You must never listen to this."
posted by Horace Rumpole at 2:18 PM on January 18, 2010 [14 favorites]


Thank God he doesn't have opposable thumbs. Then he could cause some real damage.
posted by ardgedee at 2:19 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


Polar bears, fuck yeah!!!
posted by zardoz at 2:19 PM on January 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


When did the polar bears turn on us? I thought they were supposed to drink Coke and encourage others to do the same. Is it because of global warming? Did we piss them off this badly?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:21 PM on January 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


A polar bear eats a space capsule and gets on the CIA deathlist
posted by Artw at 2:25 PM on January 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


My favorite part is the repeated use of "Highway to the Danger Zone".

Apparently said highway looks like a trip through the Stargate.
posted by Adridne at 2:25 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


At first glance, I thought that this was another Sara Palin post. :-)
posted by Jumpin Jack Flash at 2:27 PM on January 18, 2010


I was trying to process all the symbolism but then a polar bear whacked me with a hockey stick.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:28 PM on January 18, 2010


I love these. I'm really happy to see that they guy has improved his character animations over the years, but retained the donk-diculously retarded 'splosions and kitschy cheesiness.
posted by joelf at 2:28 PM on January 18, 2010


Wow... that just flowed like a grade school recess stories amped up with collegiate CGI. Natural, but wow - seriously... the ideas man... its like awesome to awesome to even more awesome.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:28 PM on January 18, 2010


...and the number one threat to America?




BEARS!!!!!!!
posted by hippybear at 2:31 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


Macrofurries, CGI and sports! It's what Alaska is all about.
posted by Slap*Happy at 2:34 PM on January 18, 2010


C'mon. This post needs a [SPOILER] tag. These are obviously from the series finale of LOST.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:35 PM on January 18, 2010 [5 favorites]


"...so, what do you call it?"

"The Aristocrats!"
posted by jquinby at 2:49 PM on January 18, 2010


Things Bears Love

overweight hikers, fabric stores, drunks, wrestlers, girl scouts, etc. etc.
posted by netbros at 3:07 PM on January 18, 2010


Surprised that Big Dog hasn't caught on to this.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:12 PM on January 18, 2010


It's no wonder people throw these creatures out of airplanes.
posted by Elmore at 3:20 PM on January 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


I love this. LOVE IT. If you don't like this I don't want to know any of your opinions about anything.
posted by josher71 at 3:20 PM on January 18, 2010


Heaven Almighty, these things are awesome.

I know a guy who got his legal position, in part, through the fact that he and his boss share a colossal love for minor league hockey. Passion run deeps.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:23 PM on January 18, 2010


Finally, my long-time fantasy of killer bears playing rocket hockey has come to fruition.
posted by Monsters at 3:34 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


Now I understand why they elected Sarah Palin. It's an entire state of red neck Bond super villians bent on destroying the earth.
posted by tkchrist at 3:35 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


I thought those were enemy hockey teams or something.

I definitely saw ND and Ohio St. college logos. My guess is maybe the arena hosted a college basketball tourney at some point and those were the opponents of the local host team? Makes you kind of wonder why he'd have a hockey stick then, for a basketball event, but this may be one of those things it's best to not overthink.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:48 PM on January 18, 2010


Also, this is kind of like a more coherent cut of the movie version of "The Golden Compass."
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:49 PM on January 18, 2010 [4 favorites]


That was awesome.
posted by donovan at 3:49 PM on January 18, 2010


Er, was that a bomb? I think that might have been an external fuel tank the bear dropped in the volcano.
posted by Artw at 3:51 PM on January 18, 2010


It was the reserve fuel tank.
posted by Lord_Pall at 3:56 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


These are glorious, thank you so much.
posted by june made him a gemini at 4:00 PM on January 18, 2010


I think it works! I saw the Fairbanks roller derby team play the Anchorage Rage City Roller Girls at the Carlson Center it was complete insanity. They played against Anchorage at an away game a few months earlier and they were fairly lackluster. Fast forward a couple months to their first home game where they kicked ass and took names, while their fans were screaming for blood. It's amazing what a change of venue, a kick ass game opener, and couple thousand cheering fans can do for a team's performance.
posted by stinker at 4:01 PM on January 18, 2010


Hows the bear going ot bet back home from space then? WTF bear?
posted by Artw at 4:05 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


Nothing is cooler than Lou Ferrigno Throwing A Bear Into Outer Space.
posted by Ratio at 4:37 PM on January 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


These aren't promos for minor league hockey, they're promos for the University of Alaska - Fairbanks team. That's why they're destroying the logos of Notre Dame and Ohio State. It's a damn good thing that Wolverines can tear bears up.
posted by fancypants at 4:41 PM on January 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


"Do you like your job, Jimmy? I ask for explosions in my promo and all I see are bears and hockey sticks. Get back to your fucking cube and add some explosions or you and your half-wit children will go hungry all winter long."
posted by chairface at 4:48 PM on January 18, 2010


Who is flying? Oh my God, bear is flying! How can that be?
posted by armage at 4:57 PM on January 18, 2010


Is this Pixar?
posted by Liquidwolf at 5:32 PM on January 18, 2010


A giant polar bear is awakened by an icebreaker and jumps into a fighter jet and destroys the earth. The Big Dipper explodes and turns into a bear which then destroys the moon and Anchorage and then goes to Fairbanks. A Grizzly bear is awakened by a cheering crowd and smashes the town and throws a rocket football. A space bear is awakened by the Nanook signal, destroys a Red Hawk, turns into a giant bear and destroys the roof.

And that, my children, is how the world was formed.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:14 PM on January 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


Polar Bear by Plane Stupid.
posted by shoesfullofdust at 7:32 PM on January 18, 2010


Needs more lens flare.
posted by grouse at 8:20 PM on January 18, 2010


Let sleeping bears lie.
posted by zoinks at 9:37 PM on January 18, 2010


That bear kicks so much ass okay
posted by zoinks at 9:38 PM on January 18, 2010


At first glance, I thought that this was another Sara Palin post. :-)

Partial transcript of her first Fox commentary. I believe it's about cap-and-trade. She's the bear, obviously, and earth is enviro-pinko liberalism, the rink is Washington and the net is a business-as-usual Congress and - I mean, it's pretty complicated, but come on people. F-16s, "Danger Zone," the hero's callsign is Maverick . . . gotta draw you a frickin' map here?

Even though I was sorta prepped for it, I still totally didn't see those F-16s coming. That was inspired like an eight-year-old's epic rendering of a battlefield is inspired.
posted by gompa at 11:06 PM on January 18, 2010


I haven't watched all of them yet. I'm really, really hoping that at some point that bear plays an electric guitar. That is on fire.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:07 PM on January 18, 2010


No wonder that bear is so pissed off. Hip dysplasia is no fun.
posted by benzenedream at 12:39 AM on January 19, 2010


A giant polar bear is awakened by an icebreaker and jumps into a fighter jet and destroys the earth.

Hey, he did! He really, really did! And it was awesome! Totally, totally awesome!
posted by obiwanwasabi at 12:40 AM on January 19, 2010


Dear God people.... Sarah Palin did a lot more than we originally thought. She contained the Polar Bears all these years! Now we lost her forever.... I DIDN"T KNOW! I. DIDN"T. KNOW.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:59 AM on January 19, 2010


Man, that polar bear just clocks the bejesus out of that red hawk. He should've ate it and then explode pooped it out it's butt.

I know...I know...everyone's gotta be a CGI expert these days. Sorry....
posted by Skygazer at 10:47 AM on January 19, 2010


There is something deeply, deeply wrong with fans of this sport. That is all.
posted by marmaduke_yaverland at 1:36 PM on January 19, 2010


There is something deeply, deeply wrong with fans of this sport. That is all.

If you had to live near a giant space faring, world destroying, ferocious magical polar bear then you would also be playing ritualized homages to him to invoke his power prior to facing opponents.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:31 PM on January 19, 2010 [2 favorites]


Dear NYU, please do not let Levi Johnston into your film school. Thank you.
posted by mds35 at 7:14 PM on January 19, 2010 [2 favorites]


OMG that Ursa Major one is among the most awesome things I have ever seen. I am so pumped up right now. Hockey fans are the greatest. What a bunch of loons.
posted by frecklefaerie at 6:30 AM on January 21, 2010


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