SING TO ME MUSE, OF VELOUR AND THE MAN

January 20, 2010 9:26 AM

No relation to the Damon Dash reality TV show, the Ultimate Hustler is master of the dozens, leaping through time and space to slam weak bustas. At the very height of his powers, he joined the battle in book XX of the Iliad.
posted by Optimus Chyme (30 comments total)

You wanna play the dozens?
Well the dozens is a game
But the way I fuck your mother is a god damned shame.

George Carlin
posted by e.e. coli at 9:30 AM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Can't bring the dozens without The Signifying Monkey (wikipedia)

Monkey looked down, said, "Long as the trees grow tall, and the grass grows green,
You're the dumbest motherfucker the jungle's ever seen."
Said, "You motherfucker, I heard you down there pleading for your life.
At the very same time I had my dick in your wife.

posted by soma lkzx at 9:41 AM on January 20, 2010

this is incredible.

“Next time you wanna give me yo shaft, make believe I’m Patroclus’ stankhole
and there ain’t no way you missin. Oh I forgot, Hector currently using that bitch
as a hood ornament. Take him down to the kennels, he metamorphose
into kibbles and bits. That nigga, he dead.
And what up with that armor? Shit’s tacky. Bet that breastplate come with a horn
play “Lowrider” when you goosesteppin through the ranks.
Ain’t it bad enough you got grease face? Been, what, twenty years since yo momma
dip you in tha Styx, and the Hades EPA still tryin to clean the oil slick,
declaring it unfit for animal habitation.
My nigga Charon spark up a fatty, throw the match overboard,
shit goes up like Mt Etna.”

seriously. fucking amazing.
posted by shmegegge at 9:49 AM on January 20, 2010

also, from the livejournal comments:
crufix: and that was the end of greece.
dukamok: troy wasn't in greece, dude.

could this be any more perfect? I think not.
posted by shmegegge at 9:53 AM on January 20, 2010

i'm like, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:56 AM on January 20, 2010

I should point out that all of these were written by members of Something Awful's FYAD subforum (NSFW), and that the author of the Iliad parody is Ingwit, who has been quoted by me before.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:59 AM on January 20, 2010

LOLOL
posted by hermitosis at 10:04 AM on January 20, 2010

one day i was getting ready for work and putting some styling gel in my hair and suddenly the ultimate hustler appeared behind me in the mirror and said "yo dude you hair so crusty with highly viscous gunk that yo mama gonna mistake it for your 'special' sock" and i started shaking so hard that i dropped my comb on the ground and then he added "and your hairline is so thinning it look like a whiny supporting character in a Victorian era novella about tuberculosis" and i was like damn
posted by Damn That Television at 10:08 AM on January 20, 2010 [7 favorites]

one day I was on metafilter when the ultimate hustler appeared on my screen all like "shit, yo favorites count is so small it look like the number of Jewish guys in the Baseball Hall of Fame." I tried to shrug it off and keep typing, but then he was like "also, whenever you make a comment people think you're an asshole," and I was like damn.
posted by shmegegge at 10:17 AM on January 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

this morning i was riding the bus, minding my own business and writing a story in my moleskine when the ultimate hustler leaped out of my brooklyn industries messenger bag and said "if you writin what you know you only need the back of a duane reade receipt" and as i clutched my chest in shock he added "plus ya skin so greasy you look like one a them mormon-ass vampires in a tanning bed on mercury" and i was like damn
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:20 AM on January 20, 2010 [3 favorites]

i was at the verizon store trying to get them to transfer like 500 contacts from my old phone to my new phone when the ultimate hustler appeared on the phone's screen and said "you know, it would save you 499 numbers if you could just stick to one papa john's location" and i started to hit the end call button over and over but he reappeared on the electronic signature machine at the register and added "and your text message history read like a suicide note from Tao Lin" and i was like damn
posted by Damn That Television at 10:31 AM on January 20, 2010 [8 favorites]

I still remember when I first found out the ultimate hustler wasn't real. That was the ultimate burn.
posted by kid ichorous at 10:50 AM on January 20, 2010

i was buying a new pair of trainers and the ultimate hustler came out of the back room and handed me a shoebox and said "the reason you underpronate is both your feet tryin' to escape yo stanky ass bozack" and i was like damn. after that he left to go get a brannock foot measuring device, but then he popped back out of the shoebox and added "plus your calves so underdeveloped they look like two-by-fours with skinless chicken breasts nailed on" and i passed out from sudden hypoglycemia
posted by decagon at 11:02 AM on January 20, 2010 [5 favorites]

i was at the apple store having a debate with my friend about form following function in modern design when the ultimate hustler popped up from behind the genius bar and whispered "like how you only date broads with nasty ass halitosis cause your dick look like a tic tac?" and i started to stammer about Fallingwater and he slapped me across the face and said "and you secretly own a Zune" and my friend was like "ha ha really?"
posted by Damn That Television at 11:31 AM on January 20, 2010 [5 favorites]

the other day i was at the grocery store and there was a new line of ultimate hustler™ by hallmark® cards. one said "thinking of you..." so i opened it to read "... as i drive past the rendering plant with the windows down" and i put the card back and ruefully resumed my shopping. two days later i got a sympathy card in the mail that said "my condolences regarding your recent burn. if there's anything i can do to assist you at this difficult time, like help yo girl's face look less like a baked potato with fungal blight, please let me know. yours in christ, the ultimate hustler" and i was like damn
posted by decagon at 11:40 AM on January 20, 2010 [11 favorites]

i went to the whole foods to pick up some $8.99 organic soy nuggets for my girlfriend and the ultimate hustler emerged from the freezer case and said "man who you trying to impress, can't no one see in your fridge when your electricity's been shut off" and I acted like I was just buying the $1.99 edamame instead and then he crawled up on my shoulder and said "your account so overdrawn, it looks like a Durer engraving" and I was like damn
posted by Greg Nog at 11:40 AM on January 20, 2010 [10 favorites]

i was standing in line at the bank of america waiting for an atm to open up when the ultimate hustler appeared on a monitor that was showing financial news and said "busta you checking account balance look like bruce willis cut the red wire in the nick of time" and i fell backward through a glass door and as the paramedics circled around me to get me on a stretcher, the ultimate hustler yelled out "and your recent activity statement gets photocopied and used as the quarterly earnings report for the board of directors at Radio Shack" and i was like damn.
posted by Damn That Television at 11:51 AM on January 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

And this is why I love MeFi...these are hilarious!

There must be something in the air because one of my favorite web comics had an episode this week which involved doing the dozens in a manner which one might see performed by the pedantic geeks on The Big Bang Theory (e.g., "You're so white you're #GGGGGG").
posted by fuse theorem at 11:53 AM on January 20, 2010

i went into the bookstore and at the information desk i asked if there was anything new by Dan Brown and the ultimate hustler revealed himself from within the intricate folds of a pop up book and said "nah I thought the only brown you read is what's crusted down around your drawers" and I went over to nonfiction to try and play it off like I was looking for Baudrillard instead and a simulacrum of the ultimate hustler appeared and appended, "plus you so lacking in critical skills you make malcolm gladwell look like michiko kakutani" and i was about to point out the flaw in his argument when the ultimate hustler said "plus you stink like a rat died in your shoe" and i was like damn
posted by Greg Nog at 12:21 PM on January 20, 2010 [9 favorites]

HAMLET
Denmark’s a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ
                                  Then is the world one.

ULTIMATE HAMLET
Then is yo dick so small that 'twas bethought
by good Polonius a matter for
the hoary scholars of the land to put
to test if it should be at all. And at
the close of seasoned wisdom led debate,
the company entire came forth to cry
that sooner should our faith be rested on
the toothless scrying of a witch's pot
than hung on such small evidence as for
yo dick, which they believe is not.

ROSENCRANTZ
                                                        My lord...

ULTIMATE HAMLET
As well, let prophesy escape my lips,
that well before the fortnight will have passed
I will have tapped your wife's prodigious ass.

ROSENCRANTZ
... damn.
posted by shmegegge at 12:25 PM on January 20, 2010 [7 favorites]

Metafilter...and I was like damn.
posted by rhythim at 12:35 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

i was running for senator from massachusetts as a democrat and as i stepped out of my black lincoln navigator on my way to a staff meeting the ultimate hustler popped his head out of the driver's window and said "you lost" and then sped away but i tried to play it off like the nation as a whole was rejecting obama's legislative program. and then he backed up and ran me over and everybody was like "damn."
posted by rusty at 12:38 PM on January 20, 2010

I was at the bar with my roommates and we were talking to some girls from Queens. I offered to buy one of them a drink, and when I caught the bartender's eye, he turned out to be the Ultimate Hustler. I immediately looked away but it was too late, he walked over and asked what I wanted. I meekly said a Pabst and an Appletini, and his face broke into a sadistic grin as he said "Homie, is the Blue Ribbon for you or yo prize-winning horseface next to you?" and I started sweating and he said "Gotta be for her, because I don't think horses like fruit," and I feebly tried to seize on my knowledge that they do in fact but before I could say anything he continued "But I guess she's talking to you, so my bad," and I got dizzy and started to slip on my barstool and he added "And if yall hungry I could throw some peanuts in a feed bag, free of charge," and I fucking slit my throat and passed out and died before he could say anything else, and when I got to the Pearly Gates of Heaven, St. Peter was looking for my name in the Book of Life, when the Ultimate Hustler formed out of some clouds and said "Homie you ain't never gonna see that busta's name in a book unless it's self-published" and I threw my halo down on the ground in disgust and he added "Besides, how could you get into Heaven, you been a traitor to yall's benefactor ever since you stopped going to Taco Bell" and Satan popped his head up through the clouds and was like "jesus christ dude, go easy on him" and the Ultimate Hustler turned around and said "Yo asshole so red it looks like an overzealous AP English teacher corrected a rough draft of a fleshlight" and even God was like "damn" real quietly over his shoulder to the Holy Ghost
posted by Damn That Television at 1:02 PM on January 20, 2010 [25 favorites]

i had an audience with the pope and as i entered the antechamber of the apostolic palace i heard a familiar voice say "damn, you look like someone stitched together all the purported holy prepuces and reanimated them." i turned and was shocked to discover that the bishop of rome, spiritual pole star to billions of the faithful, was none other than the ultimate hustler himself. he stood up, patted me on the back, and said "gotta run, i'm late for an ecumenical council at yo mama's house" then he handed me a catechism and all the q&a's in it were about my bozack
posted by decagon at 1:23 PM on January 20, 2010 [5 favorites]

I had just won a professional wrestling match and was holding the title belt above my head to the roar of the crowd when the Ultimate Hustler appeared on the Jumbotron and said "even when you were standing on the turnbuckle you still too short to date anyone but Asian girls" and I stumbled backward against the ropes and he added "Why you so happy? That bigass gold belt the least gaudy thing you own. And your whole damn outfit look like a Sherwin-Williams employee suicide bombed a TJ Maxx," and I started to cry
posted by Damn That Television at 1:35 PM on January 20, 2010 [5 favorites]

i was at guitar center testing out a squier strat by playing smoke on the water and the ultimate hustler walked up and said "the way you playin' that riff it sound like joe lieberman singin' to himself in the tub" then he wrenched the guitar from my hands and played a blistering solo while saying "by the way you remind me of fred durst except if he was a linux kernel programmer" and i was like damn
posted by decagon at 1:58 PM on January 20, 2010

everyone was dead. it was the worst oil fire of all time, a van gogh upended into the sky. in desperation we clutched at our decoder rings. “…fire, heart, by our powers combined!” and there was a familiar parting of space, but then i thought i heard one of those out-of-service dial tones, and out stepped the ultimate hustler, picking his teeth with a switchblade. he surveyed the desolation, and, in a voice like a backwards miracle, uttered a single word. “…burn.”
posted by kid ichorous at 2:56 PM on January 20, 2010

i had taken my girlfriend on a trip to paris to propose to her in front of the eiffel tower. as we sailed past it on the seine, i fell to one knee when the ultimate hustler stuck his head out of the dark water and said, "shit, the only french you ever got was from yo pimply-ass cousin at a family reunion" and i couldn't stop myself from tumbling backwards into the river and when i surfaced, there he was again, looking at me expectantly. when all i did was splutter, he said "looks like we got a genuine marcel marceau right here, and this one don't know how to get out of his little glass box" and i was like damn
posted by Copronymus at 6:10 PM on January 20, 2010

i was chilling with zeus and apollo on olympus when the ultimate hustler's face suddenly appeared in the wings of my shoes and he said "you so vain you stuck copies of yo tiny-ass dick on all yo statues" and decided i had to get the hell out of there so i took off for hades, but the ultimate hustler was there too, and he said "you ain't even the third best psychopomp in yo own belief system" and i was like damn
posted by Copronymus at 6:22 PM on January 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

i was doing some middle-earth larping with some buddies one weekend when the ultimate hustler appeared in a puff of smoke and he took one look at us in our ent and elf costumes and his eyes got real big and he got an intense look on his face while he tried to form some words, but then he disappeared in another puff of smoke before he could get anything out but "damn"
posted by Copronymus at 6:29 PM on January 20, 2010 [2 favorites]