Erotic fan-fiction found a way!

January 24, 2010 6:32 PM

The International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer's Association

I'll let you peruse on your own, but may I point out this gem from "Root Her" by Michael Collins:

From this angle, he could see her smooth, hairless slit. As he began to drool, she started to shake her hips from side to side seductively, delicately spraying him with gallons upon gallons of dinosaur sex pheromones she had in some gland that all velociraptors had but that didn't get fossilised with the rest of them because it was too soft somehow.

Don't act like you haven't fantasized about sex with a dinosaur! You're no better than me!!!

NSFPWDLJPOCFHIRFFF (Not Safe For People Who Don't Like Jurassic Park Or Can't Find Humor In Ridiculously Far-fetched Fan Fiction)

posted by (bb|[^b]{2}) (54 comments total)

Animated gif background, altered mouse cursor, green text on black background, "stories" that are 2 paragraphs long and full of misspellings.

DON'T CHANGE A THING!
posted by DU at 6:38 PM on January 24, 2010 [3 favorites]

That site made my eyes bleed. But the "Veloci-rapture" pun almost made up for it.
posted by lilac girl at 6:39 PM on January 24, 2010

I blame Obama.
posted by chasing at 6:40 PM on January 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

Points deducted for being satire.

Points re-added for MIDI.
posted by bicyclefish at 6:41 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Let me guess. Nedry gets it on with a can of shaving cream. Am I right? What do I win?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:41 PM on January 24, 2010

delicately spraying him with gallons upon gallons of dinosaur sex pheromones she had in some gland that all velociraptors had but that didn't get fossilised with the rest of them because it was too soft somehow.

This made my brain bleed. So not visiting the actual site.
posted by Zinger at 6:42 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm trying to find the entries for the "Write an erotic dinosaur story about the Nativity" Christmas Competition so I can catch up, but I can't seem to find those on the site. I'm eager to check them out because nothing says Happy Holidays to me quite like the thought of the Nativity + the wee baby Jesus + erotic dinosaurs.

Anyone else find 'em?
posted by jeanmari at 6:44 PM on January 24, 2010

"Clever Girl on Girl"

That made me laugh, without needing to read the actual story.
posted by bjork24 at 6:45 PM on January 24, 2010 [11 favorites]

Landing with a thud, much like a lazy writer’s fist against a table, she looked up to see the Raptors closing on all sides.

Pfff, this belongs on the The International Jurassic Park Meta Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer's Association site.
posted by DU at 6:46 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's not an inability to find humor in ridiculously far-fetched fan fiction. It's more nuanced than that. It's the 9 Rakes Rule.

Surely you remember that Simpsons episode. Sideshow Bob, having hid under the family's car, stands up and promptly steps on the teeth of a rake, causing the handle to snap upward and hit him in the face. Then again. And again. Nine times.

The first one is funny. The second, too; the third, less. Then it becomes dull. But the writers prolong the gag for long enough that it passes through the realm of "played-out" and becomes funny again. They found the sweet spot. One rake is funny. Six rakes would have been lame. Nine rakes is funny.

Weird can be funny, but there's a spectrum. Dino-fan-porn is, like, seven rakes.
posted by cribcage at 6:46 PM on January 24, 2010 [9 favorites]

Whatever. I'm waiting for the one where all the dinosaurs are wrapped in cling-film.

Which, of course, didn't get fossilised with the rest of Roy Orbison because it was too soft somehow.
posted by vorfeed at 6:49 PM on January 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

Whatever. I'm waiting for the one where all the dinosaurs are wrapped in cling-film.


I'm waiting for the one where the dinosaur is sucking from an oxygen mask and slapping Isabella Rossellini.
posted by MikeMc at 6:56 PM on January 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

Hammond Fisted??!!
posted by sswiller at 7:01 PM on January 24, 2010

@cribcage Level with me. You break the Nine Rakes out pretty much every opportunity you get. Amirite?

I'm not judging. I do this with the Uncanny Valley. I can desribe pretty much anything in business, science or pop culture in terms of the Uncanny Valley. This is totally your Uncanny Valley, yeah?
posted by bpm140 at 7:01 PM on January 24, 2010 [3 favorites]

(-1)^.5 rakes
posted by MrLint at 7:06 PM on January 24, 2010

Well this is slot better than my Godzilla slash fic site!
posted by ExitPursuedByBear at 7:06 PM on January 24, 2010

Needs more cars.
posted by ryanrs at 7:07 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm waiting for the one where the dinosaur is sucking from an oxygen mask and slapping Isabella Rossellini.

MALCOLM: But again, how do you know they're all female? Does someone go into the park and, uh... lift up the dinosaurs' skirts?

WU: No, we control their chromosomes. It's really not that difficult. It just takes an extra chromosome developed at the right hormonal stage to make them male. We simply deny them that.

MALCOLM: But daddy wants to fuck.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:08 PM on January 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

I'm still waiting for the Sanford & Son Fred/Grady slashfic site. Great Goobity Goob!
posted by jonmc at 7:09 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

SHOOT your load on HER!
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 7:21 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Intriguing.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:21 PM on January 24, 2010

Goodbye, MetaFilter. I have found a new home.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:24 PM on January 24, 2010 [11 favorites]

If you don't think this is "best of the web", then you must be on a different web than I.
posted by Jimbob at 7:27 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

cribcage: My favourite expression of this theorem is the "Fire Ant" episode of Spaceghost Coast to Coast.
posted by Captaintripps at 7:39 PM on January 24, 2010

Man, this is making a jacked up version of Dinosaur Train. We are going to burn for this.
posted by jadepearl at 7:41 PM on January 24, 2010

This is pitch fucking perfect.

Thanks for the laugh.
posted by defenestration at 7:43 PM on January 24, 2010

this gem from "Root Her" by Michael Collins

How far Ireland's heroes have fallen!
posted by scody at 8:03 PM on January 24, 2010

"Root Her" by Michael Collins

So that's how he occupied his time as he orbited the moon.
posted by decagon at 8:06 PM on January 24, 2010

No, it was the other Michael Collins. The Irish one in the movie with Liam Neeson.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:10 PM on January 24, 2010

Is it sad that the first thing I thought of when I saw"Root Her" was getting root on an Android device?
posted by MikeMc at 8:28 PM on January 24, 2010

Needs more cars.

This was the first thought I spurted too. For reference (NSFHumans).
posted by carsonb at 8:31 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

OMG!!! LOL, y'awl!!

That's the only response I can think of.
posted by drhydro at 8:31 PM on January 24, 2010

This was the first thought I spurted too. For reference (NSFHumans).

That link is nine kinds of awesome.
posted by MikeMc at 8:41 PM on January 24, 2010

I am decades away from craving a Jitterbug. I am also decades away (the other way) from understanding this. At all. I am at that Awkward Age. Please take pity upon me, a ...Boomer. Sounds like: boner, blunder, boo-boo, boo-hoo, bum, bum (the other kind), butthole, buzzkill, buttfuck, blast-from-the-past, bastard, backassward, and buck-up-you're'bout-to-die-anyway.

Teh Internets will do that to ya.
posted by kozad at 8:57 PM on January 24, 2010

I can't believe none of the stories were called Tyrannosaurus Sex.

Or Peg-a-saurus. Dicklodocus. Brontosoreass. Phallosaurus. This is fun!
posted by twirlypen at 9:21 PM on January 24, 2010

VELOCIGINA.

This is just wrong on so many levels. Facebook group.

VELOCIGINA.

And funny as hell: The shame of broken T-rex eggshells and a cold frying pan.

VELOCIGINA.


I THINK I BROKE MY BRAIN.
posted by zarq at 9:32 PM on January 24, 2010

Yes! This is why I am on the internet.
posted by Mizu at 9:41 PM on January 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

There's a Facebook page. Oh god, this made my night.
posted by Tha Race Card at 9:42 PM on January 24, 2010

"He wiped himself off on the triceratops’s middle horn, kicked it in the face, and walked out slowly, leather trousers still around his ankles, tears streaming from his eyes."

WHAT.
posted by Tha Race Card at 9:44 PM on January 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

Well, it's difficult to walk quickly with leather trousers around your ankles.
posted by flaterik at 9:47 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is what the internet was made for.
posted by graventy at 9:56 PM on January 24, 2010

in the future when people grow miniature dinosaurs to rape they will look back at us non-dinosaur-raping ancestors as primitives that missed out on something totally crucial.
posted by Hammond Rye at 12:27 AM on January 25, 2010

Wow. Michael Crichton died in 2008? Hmm. Must have missed that.
posted by koeselitz at 1:40 AM on January 25, 2010

As a freshman, I spent a lot of time in my dorm's basement. It's big, it's a pretty social space, and it's one of the only places where I could always seem to find people that were interested in things like art, music, culture, etc. The basement is large, but has low drop ceilings and weird track lighting. It seems like when you could smoke indoors, this would have created a mildy cool wants-to-be-a-jazz-bar ambiance, but at this point in time, it's just kind of odd. In one corner there's a door, behind which is the Library. Now, I say library pretty loosely. It's about a 30x12 foot room with a few comfortable chairs, a big table, some of those little study cubicles, and bookshelves on most of the walls. The Library's only real value is it's always quiet there.

The interesting part of the library is its 'collection,' again a very loosely used word. It's entirely made up of books donated by residents or former residents. That means it's mostly full of old textbooks, paperback fiction, 10 month runs of magazines from the 90's, a full set of an outdated edition of Encyclopedia Brittanica, and a large collection of translated classics all donated by a guy whose bookplate has a bird on it. A Heron or an Ibis, I think.

So one evening, late-ish, I was walking around in there instead of doing my work. Chuckling at the random inventory of books, I come across a thin spiral-bound volume that didn't have a title on the spine. It looked like it was bound at Kinkos, the nice kind of binding, with slightly heavier paper stock and a clear sheet of plastic on the front and back. The title, centered halfway down the page in faux-typewritten caps read

JURASSIC PARK 4: PTERANADON ISLAND

and what followed was an entire screenplay for a fourth Jurassic Park movie. There was no author listed, the only hint as to the identity of the mystery writer was a dedication shared by a brother Michael, and Steven Spielberg (for always believing in him and not suing him, respectively). I read at least the first three pages before deciding that this gem, rife with misspelling and terrible dialogue, was not worth reading all the way through. I began flipping forward to find the good parts. And what I found, after about 100 pages of typescript, was a good part: another title page. It confused me, why there was another title page in the middle of this script until I read it:

JURASSIC PARK 5: BACK TO THE PARK.

I could not go on. Our mystery screenwriter had actually written a sequel to his sequel of an already awful sequel of a pretty good sequel of an only okay movie. There was actually a note about how he had to make most of the characters up, including a few dinosaurs, having killed off almost everyone from the original franchise in the fourth. I never told anyone about that script, simply returning it to its shelf as I imagine its original writer did five or so years previous. Silently, in a small shelf in a small room off of a poorly-lit basement, waiting for someone to stumble across his unrecognized genius.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 2:44 AM on January 25, 2010 [7 favorites]

Oh, and yeah, there was at least one sex scene. Human-human, sadly.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 2:46 AM on January 25, 2010

This is one of the those rare FPPs where I went through the entire gamut of human emotion in the space of a single minute after reading the headline. Apprehension, fear, excitement, amusement, sadness and profound confusion all mixed together. I'm not sure if opening the link was disappointing or cathartic.

The only reasonable response was to send it to all my (soon-to-be-ex-)friends.

So, uh, thanks metafilter?
posted by slimepuppy at 3:19 AM on January 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

The spam at the top takes you to a spice girls video. I had integer overflow on rakes.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:17 AM on January 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

Only on the internet....
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:42 AM on January 25, 2010

hold on to your butts.
posted by nitsuj at 6:56 AM on January 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

Uh, uh, uh, you didn't say the safe word.

Yeah, that's all I got.
posted by Jofus at 7:43 AM on January 25, 2010

Must go faster. Must go faster.
posted by flashboy at 9:14 AM on January 25, 2010

Strange how sometimes the worst of the web is the best of the web.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:12 AM on January 25, 2010

Sweet hell, I was just watching Jurassic Park last night. I even remarked how well it has held up after seventeen years.

Now I feel all sorts of dirty. Because the fact is, that Dilophosaurus was one sexy little theropod, and I'm not the only one who noticed it.
posted by quin at 12:03 PM on January 25, 2010

DILOPHOSAURUS BUKKAKE
posted by flashboy at 12:52 AM on January 26, 2010