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Jesus' Ham Streak hits 24 straight days. The man is a machine.
February 8, 2010 10:32 AM   Subscribe

Hi, I'm Vincent "Vinny" Van Gogh...artist, mad man, dead guy. I live with James T Kirk and Jesus in the City of Industry--where we pretty much just watch TV all day. This is my blog about it.
posted by Lutoslawski (28 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite

 
I... what?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:34 AM on February 8, 2010


"Jesus had “a cool three g’s” riding on the game. So when Tracy Porter got his pick six…it was time to breakout the PBR. Jesus was so psyched, he kept calling Drew Brees, BreeSUS…as in, “thank you BreeSUS!” and “praise BreeSUS!” Every time he did it I nearly died laughing. Kirk was actually rooting for the Colts but that boozehound never misses a chance to tip ‘em back, so he was more than willing to throw down."

Much Epic Bwahahaery to be had... freaking classic. Fav'd.
posted by Damn That Television at 10:36 AM on February 8, 2010


Is this something you'd have to have a something to something?
posted by cashman at 10:52 AM on February 8, 2010 [6 favorites]


"Kirk and I woke up to this: a passed-out Jesus…draped only in ham, the Direct TV logo bouncing around the screen behind him.

"Apparently last night, between watching a Conan rerun and Green Acres, Jesus fell into a ham-induced coma. According to our doctor—WebMD—he was suffering from Listeriosis, a form of food poisoning…or 131 other possible ailments ranging from crib death to Lupus. I guess eating nothing but ham for 26 straight days has a downside…like being coma-prone. Well, good to know."


OK, maybe I'm shallow, but I LOL'd. Good stuff -- thanks for posting this.
posted by mosk at 11:20 AM on February 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


[this is good]
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:25 AM on February 8, 2010


Kirk stared out that window for hours, watching the rain fall and puddle up outside. After five hours, we heard him softly singing the theme to “Three’s Company” very sadly like it was “Amazing Grace” or something. Then he started sobbing.

Kirk, really loves his TV. A bizarrely accurate rendition of three guys who have been hanging out too long. Even when one of them is fictional. I wonder which one of them is hallucinating.
posted by LD Feral at 11:27 AM on February 8, 2010


If you notice, Jesus is always standing up. At first, that really weirded me out. I mean, how many people do you know who watch TV standing up? Not many I bet. But when I asked him about it, he said, “I’m not made for sitting down.” And it’s true.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:29 AM on February 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Even when one of them is fictional. I wonder which one of them is hallucinating.

Of the three, two are fictional and two are dead so the hallucinator must be unnamed.
posted by DU at 11:32 AM on February 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


/fists raised to the heavens in rage/
JUUUUUUUUUUUUDAAAAAAS!!!
posted by Babblesort at 11:41 AM on February 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


If someone is fictional, can they ever really be dead? Or alive, for that matter?
posted by echo target at 11:54 AM on February 8, 2010


"Jesus Van Kirk" would be a good username, though it does sound at bit familiar.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 11:57 AM on February 8, 2010


I really wanted to snark at this, but...ha... funny stuff...
posted by HuronBob at 12:06 PM on February 8, 2010


(Beyonce == Barbra) // true

Excellent.
posted by blucevalo at 12:07 PM on February 8, 2010


Ooh. So ZANY and ODD. So... boring.
posted by xmutex at 12:18 PM on February 8, 2010


"Jesus Van Kirk" would be a good username, though it does sound at bit familiar.

You're thinking of that dude from Growing Pains.

I was really prepared to hate this site, but a couple actual laughs out loud, I realized I really, really, really couldn't. So thanks.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:30 PM on February 8, 2010


I think being next to Kirk caused the ham-induced coma.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 12:30 PM on February 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think being next to Kirk caused the ham-induced coma.

Please, post that to the blog. They need to know someone cares. Heh- ham.
posted by LD Feral at 12:32 PM on February 8, 2010


Either this guy is trying too hard, or he's insane and it all comes naturally. If the blog is still around in two weeks, I vote "natural occurrence" and will do whatever possible to keep this monument of human creativity alive.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:43 PM on February 8, 2010


MCMikeNamara: ""Jesus Van Kirk" would be a good username, though it does sound at bit familiar.

You're thinking of that dude from Growing Pains.
"

No, it was a half-assed attempt at namechecking one of the mods' other nicknames.
I never knew Cortex was on a TV show.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 12:43 PM on February 8, 2010


Fictional characters are like zombies or prions. They're remarkably hard to kill, because they aren't really alive to begin with.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:01 PM on February 8, 2010


He's obviously insane-- no one lives in the City Of Industry.
posted by InfidelZombie at 1:09 PM on February 8, 2010


Truly funny because all of it is so odd and unexpected. I am afraid he will only be good for one season, though.
posted by bearwife at 1:22 PM on February 8, 2010


He's obviously insane-- no one lives in the City Of Industry.

Don't be so literal. That's just a nickname for Metropolis.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 1:42 PM on February 8, 2010


This guy writing gets it - you can only be funny and absurd if you're also, you know, a good writer. This isn't just "LOOK AT MY ACTION FIGURES". It's smart, well-written, establishes characters and personalities, and covers topics in ways that interest me even beyond the personalities.

Internet People are so lazy. My friends trying to become Internet People are too. They say, Hey, let's review movies online and be assholes. People will love it. And I have to go, That only works if you can write well. You've got to back up that gimmick. Make the sale.

Absurdism online is the worst. People think you can ignore the rules and craft of comedy if you're weird. And then tasteless idiots DO like it, justifying their sloppy motives, and we snobby people cry into our pillows. I used to like to be absurd before the Internet.

(Disclaimer: This post written by an undead zucchini with a Virginia Woolf fetish.)
posted by Rory Marinich at 1:44 PM on February 8, 2010


CHT-- it's also a city near Los Angeles (and kind of a joke out here for its small population.)
posted by InfidelZombie at 2:09 PM on February 8, 2010


The Breakfast Club. Kirk is Molly Ringwald.

First tumblr blog I've scrolled past the first page on. Thank you.
posted by Leon at 6:03 PM on February 8, 2010


Yeah, he makes the sale.

Thanks.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:41 PM on February 8, 2010


He's obviously insane-- no one lives in the City Of Industry.

Don't be so literal. That's just a nickname for Metropolis.


Actually, its a city near LA and OC. Horrible place to launch a union campaign, ironically.
posted by hal_c_on at 2:37 AM on February 9, 2010


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