Lipstick Down Under?

February 11, 2010 4:48 PM

Well ladies, just when you thought you had all of your cosmetic needs taken care of, they come up with something new. Although I'm not entirely sold on this being essential for your kit, it sure is novel. (And surprisingly not NSFW)

And previously, when you're done with your lipstick, you can dye your hair to match.

posted by empatterson (95 comments total)

until you sell them on the idea that they're ugly, you can't sell them something that makes them pretty.

this is an absurd product.
posted by radiosilents at 4:49 PM on February 11, 2010 [9 favorites]

The reviews are in and they are not good. Surprising exactly no one.
posted by bunnycup at 4:51 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

The website says that the person who developed it noticed "thousands" of women online bemoaning their no-longer-quite-so-pink hoohas. Where, pray tell, did she find them? I have never heard this complaint.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:52 PM on February 11, 2010 [6 favorites]

[whistles]

Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through
'cause lipstick on your collar told a tale on you

I'll see myself out.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:53 PM on February 11, 2010 [18 favorites]

Wow. It's as bad as a remote healing.
posted by zombieApoc at 4:55 PM on February 11, 2010

They should make it in other colors. Imagine the possibilities.
posted by jonmc at 5:03 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Speaking for myself - if we get to the point where I find out whether your genitals are pink, I have already decided whether I find you attractive or not.
posted by idiopath at 5:06 PM on February 11, 2010 [50 favorites]

I read the introduction text and promptly hit the back button, but not without a small "what the heck?"
posted by biochemist at 5:07 PM on February 11, 2010

Ugh. As if women aren't given enough mixed messages about their genitals to begin with. :(

Meanwhile, more cosmetic surgeons who perform labiaplasties and vaginoplasties are promoting the procedures as "rejuvenative," in an apparent effort to encourage women to have them done for aesthetic reasons. The number of these types of surgeries being performed in the US has increased steadily since 2005. Both surgeries may have a valid medical purpose -- it is possible that they can restore or improve sexual and/or urinary function, usually after tissues are damaged during childbirth Or they may simply decrease discomfort. But at least one major medical organization has issued a statement against the procedures.

Anyone who advertises a service (be it a surgical procedure, a "restorative" treatment or a cosmetic product,) solely as a way to make a woman's genitals look "younger" or "more attractive" is preying on women. Assholes.
posted by zarq at 5:09 PM on February 11, 2010 [5 favorites]

Assholes.

No, those they bleach.
posted by jonmc at 5:10 PM on February 11, 2010 [25 favorites]

The first review on this page is excellent.
posted by Xoebe at 5:10 PM on February 11, 2010 [31 favorites]

Xoebe, that was awesome. I wish I could favorite that twice.
posted by mosk at 5:13 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Raspberry Jell-o powder does this too and I bet it's cheaper.
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:15 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

What the fark is a "paramedical" esthetician?
posted by CKmtl at 5:17 PM on February 11, 2010

And how long before Genital Color Loss becomes what everybody knows as the meaning of GCL?
posted by flabdablet at 5:23 PM on February 11, 2010

Raspberry Jell-o powder does this too and I bet it's cheaper.

And tastier.

For dessert.

When you make jell-o jigglers.


I'm not making things better, am I?
posted by filthy light thief at 5:23 PM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Raspberry Jell-o powder does this too is the same product in different packaging and I bet it's cheaper. FTFY.
posted by flabdablet at 5:25 PM on February 11, 2010

I'm having my balls lifted.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 5:26 PM on February 11, 2010 [5 favorites]

Leonard Lavin simply does not understand what all this is about...

one of my favorite essays ever about how marketing creates a need for a product.
posted by toodleydoodley at 5:27 PM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Well, this thread is how I learned they call it garage too. Metafilter expands my dirty vocabulary with each passing day, joy!
posted by Iosephus at 5:32 PM on February 11, 2010

So, where are the before-and-after pictures?
posted by Netzapper at 5:33 PM on February 11, 2010

"DOCTOR GLOMP'S PUSSY POLISH" was already taken.
posted by kitchenrat at 5:33 PM on February 11, 2010 [7 favorites]

The 'inventor' is a certified female. Then some nonesense about esthetician.

Where can I get certified.
posted by sandraregina at 5:34 PM on February 11, 2010

It's only a matter of time till we see Dr. Zack's Sack Wax, as well, I guess.
posted by jonmc at 5:39 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Even if someone is naked, someone pretty much has to be explicitly showing you her labia in order to get a decent look - I can only presume that decorative henna tattoos for the cervix is the next logical step here. Or perhaps bangles that hang off the vas deferens? A decorative ribbon tied around the pyloric atrium?
posted by idiopath at 5:48 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Speaking for myself - if we get to the point where I find out whether your genitals are pink, I have already decided whether I find you attractive or not.

I don't think it's intended for women intending to impress new lovers with the awesome pinkness of their genitalia, but rather women worried about losing their partners to potentially rosier rivals. (The grass is greener pinker on the other side, and all that..)
posted by acb at 5:49 PM on February 11, 2010

certified Paramedical Esthetician

REVOKED
posted by DU at 5:56 PM on February 11, 2010

also, Esthetician is a stupid word.
posted by jonmc at 5:59 PM on February 11, 2010

I see a marketing opportunity for Steve Martin!
posted by Alison at 6:00 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Oh oh -- I, Asshole reviewed this. It was scary and hilarious and as I said over there: EFF YOO ITS MY PRETTY PRETTY PUSSY PINK OR WHATEVER IF YOU’RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO LOOK YOU’D BETTER GET BUSY.
posted by stinker at 6:02 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

certified Paramedical Esthetician

I think that's like a probiotic chiropractic wellness expert.
posted by Nelson at 6:05 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

idiopath:
I've seen guys with bangles in some pretty strange places. And I bet there is a thriving internet community for people with pyloric atrium ribbon fetishes.

That being said, I don't really care that much what color my freakin button is.
posted by vortex genie 2 at 6:07 PM on February 11, 2010

I have no idea what color this part of my body is, nor do I care.
posted by amro at 6:15 PM on February 11, 2010

you know, I wanted to be outraged by this product, but when I recall all of the people I know who have either lost a lover or left one because of the color of their genitals I can't help but WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SITE AND WHO WOULD MAKE THIS?!
posted by shmegegge at 6:18 PM on February 11, 2010 [11 favorites]

A creative lover wielding a cherry-red-popsicle-stained tongue can achieve the same effect.
posted by amyms at 6:26 PM on February 11, 2010

jeez now you made me go get a mirror
posted by desjardins at 6:28 PM on February 11, 2010 [7 favorites]

Wait, what does it matter? I mean, the lights are already off and everything, right?
posted by pupdog at 6:29 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Finally, a way to avoid touching up make-up for every porn shoot.
posted by klangklangston at 6:30 PM on February 11, 2010

lucky for us blue-balls aren't literally blue.
posted by Hammond Rye at 6:31 PM on February 11, 2010

A creative lover wielding a cherry-red-popsicle-stained tongue can achieve the same effect.

Or, considering that there's cinnamon in the stuff, a RedHot-stained tongue.
posted by CKmtl at 6:35 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

lucky for us blue-balls aren't literally blue.

I'm sure we could re-badge, mark up and market a low cost food product to make them blue. Who's up?
posted by flabdablet at 6:37 PM on February 11, 2010

The first review on this page is excellent.

"I got the ole misses some of this cooter cream cause although she is a classic let's just say she wasn't garage kept."
posted by biscotti at 6:37 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Worst. Sex. Toy. Ever.
posted by oddman at 6:38 PM on February 11, 2010

Also, as far as I can tell, vortex genie 2 and myself are the entirety of the online pyloric atrium ribbon fetish community. Sigh.
posted by flabdablet at 6:40 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Worst. Sex. Toy. Ever.

Not. Even. Close. [NSFW, geniuses]
posted by jonmc at 6:43 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Please toss anal rings responsibly.
posted by flabdablet at 6:45 PM on February 11, 2010

An idiot product, but perhaps not entirely without previous demand - I recall a Loveline episode (I know, I know...) years back when Drew and Corolla got a call from someone very concerned about her ladybits looking less fresh and new and more... rasinlike? It's been over a decade so I don't recall for sure.

They gave her a lot of grief for it, but she was an early 20s woman who was checking herself out with concern and a mirror.
posted by phearlez at 6:48 PM on February 11, 2010

If I controlled life and death, people that invent stupidly unnecessary products like this, to prey upon people's insecurities and idiocy, would not have a bright future.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:52 PM on February 11, 2010

Also, can you see your mouth without looking in a mirror? Right. So it's not like one is spending a lot of time actually seeing labia. Tasting, sure. Seeing? Not so much.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:52 PM on February 11, 2010

Whores rouge; ladies pinch.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:07 PM on February 11, 2010 [15 favorites]

Well I for one appreciate this. I cannot tell you how many times I have met a woman I liked, gotten out the color wheel & been completely disappointed at the comparison. It's good to know there's a product on the market that can match my exacting requirements.
posted by scalefree at 7:08 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Raspberry Jell-o powder does this too and I bet it's cheaper."

I'm not sure I want to know how you know this.
posted by Mitheral at 7:14 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Raspberry Jell-o powder does this too and I bet it's cheaper."

I'm not sure I want to know how you know this.

But I bet it was one HELL of a party.
posted by swimming naked when the tide goes out at 7:29 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

My husband got over the vision of a baby human emerging from my lady parts. I'm pretty sure he can deal with the not-so-pinkness, too.
posted by Biblio at 7:29 PM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

But I bet it was one HELL of a party

...don't eat the mashed potatoes. Seriously.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:30 PM on February 11, 2010 [7 favorites]

BTW, If we're going to have a bad sex toy thread, I nominate Boku No Sexual Harassment Cornbrator Hyper Wank Device.
posted by swimming naked when the tide goes out at 7:32 PM on February 11, 2010

FFS, if someone is invited to the play, they better not bitch about the curtains.
posted by sperose at 7:42 PM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Well... if it was a photo-luminescent "glow-in-the-dark" labial dye, they'd really have something special.
posted by Auden at 7:46 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

BTW, If we're going to have a bad sex toy thread, I nominate Boku No Sexual Harassment Cornbrator Hyper Wank Device.

I don't think real sex toys carry the PedoBear Seal of Approval.
posted by CKmtl at 7:52 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Heh. "[more inside]". Very clever.
posted by uosuaq at 7:57 PM on February 11, 2010

Also, can you see your mouth without looking in a mirror? Right. So it's not like one is spending a lot of time actually seeing labia. Tasting, sure. Seeing? Not so much.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:52 PM on February 11

Well, and beyond this, you know, there has literally never been a situation in my life in which I experienced anything but positive emotions upon seeing a vagina.
posted by nanojath at 8:05 PM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Sigh.

Don't worry, flabdablet. We'll find those pyloric atrial ribbon tiers someday.
posted by vortex genie 2 at 8:06 PM on February 11, 2010

I like to think of myself as an aesthetician, but I am unlicensed. I had envisioned the process of becoming licensed as an interview with a panel of immaculately dressed people with interesting eyeglasses. The questions would be things like 'Please explain Walter Pater's view of the sublime' and 'Why are Ruskin's views on Turner so influential in the criticism of modern art?' and 'Please summarize, in your own words, the central points of William Empson's Seven Types of Ambiguity.' Then they would sit there and nod soberly, while, in my daydream, I answered the questions brilliantly. They would arise and give me a beautiful certificate with hand-painted copies of Utamaro's prints.

And now I find that it's just people messing with cosmetics. I am taking the name away from them, by gum.
posted by winna at 8:09 PM on February 11, 2010 [18 favorites]

Well... if it was a photo-luminescent "glow-in-the-dark" labial dye, they'd really have something special.

Yeah, make that. Or, just to "spice things up", do a blue dye. See if your partner says anything. Sure to start a conversation!
posted by Talanvor at 8:14 PM on February 11, 2010

Nature sometimes employs a breathtaking color palette.
posted by longsleeves at 8:39 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Women: Sort yourselves out.*

*Although the latter bit, for men, is becoming less and less applicable. I'm looking at you, Axe Detailer Shower Tool.
posted by Monsters at 8:57 PM on February 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Well, and beyond this, you know, there has literally never been a situation in my life in which I experienced anything but positive emotions upon seeing a vagina.

You had a much different relationship with your mom than me...
posted by pupdog at 9:20 PM on February 11, 2010

This is interesting to me because it indirectly, but quite firmly, advances the idea that some skin colors are just inherently bad and shameful. There's simply no color that a labia [I thought this was specifically for clits at first] can possibly be that is not just fine and wonderful and extremely sexy to a lot of people already.

Now, if they had some really interesting colors (Pirate's Booty Shimmering Gold, the aforementioned bioluminescent one, HOLOGRAM-ENABLED COOCH, etc.), it might be more worthwhile, but only because it would be weird and fun and unusual, not because it would Make You Normal And Okay.
posted by clockzero at 9:22 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm looking at you, Axe Detailer Shower Tool.

If I ever find one of these in my shower, I am calling an attorney.
posted by desjardins at 9:25 PM on February 11, 2010

Yeah, make that. Or, just to "spice things up", do a blue dye. See if your partner says anything. Sure to start a conversation!

Nothing wrong with Smurf-diving.
posted by Ufez Jones at 9:54 PM on February 11, 2010

Wrong. I cannot get the idea out of my head that this is something like lipstick and the idea of finding it -there- is just awful, especially if it tastes like raspberry Jell-O.

Aside: jonmc, how evocative. They called it Dr. Zog's until maybe 1980. Rumor had it that the AMA had sued the maker and it was called Mr. Zog's for so long I goggled at the reference.
posted by jet_silver at 9:55 PM on February 11, 2010

That Axe commercial is hilarious. I'm surprised it never made a pepsi-blue FPP.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:59 PM on February 11, 2010

Nothing wrong with Smurf-diving

RUN RUN MY LITTLE SMURFS IT'S GARGAMEL
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:02 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

simply no color that a labia

I was gonna be all pedantic here and then I realized I didn't even know what the singular was. Labium? Labion?
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:08 PM on February 11, 2010

The singular is labia. Second declension.
posted by clockzero at 10:31 PM on February 11, 2010

The singular is labia. Second declension.

I started to say 'It's just like fish', but that goes horribly wrong in so, so many ways.
posted by pupdog at 10:50 PM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

The singular is labia. Second declension.

My dictionary (The New College Latin & English) says lab.ium/-ii, neuter.
posted by The Tensor at 11:11 PM on February 11, 2010

Yeah, fish is a 3rd declension i-stem, so, HARDLY the same thing AT ALL, pupdog.
posted by clockzero at 11:13 PM on February 11, 2010

Oops, you're right, The Tensor.
posted by clockzero at 11:14 PM on February 11, 2010

What's the use of wearing braces
Hats or spats or shoes with laces
Trinkets that you buy in places?
Better, far, is woad MyNewPinkButton Genital Colorant

Woad's MyNewPinkButton Genital Colorant's the stuff to show men!
Woad MyNewPinkButton Genital Colorant to scare your foe men!
Boil it to a brilliant blue garish pink
and rub it on 'twixt your legs and your abdomen
posted by Graygorey at 11:16 PM on February 11, 2010

Rumor had it that the AMA had sued the maker

Doubt it strongly... the AMA has no lock on the term "Doctor" or else they'd be after Doctor Pepper, Doctor Bronner, Doctor Brown (of "Celery Soda" fame)...
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 11:39 PM on February 11, 2010

Yeah, fish is a 3rd declension i-stem, so, HARDLY the same thing AT ALL, pupdog.

I repeat - so, so many ways...

I asked a female friend her thoughts on this product tonight, since as a male it's usually less 'wait, let me get the pantone set' and more 'I win' - her response was fairly colorful salty laced with profanity, but brought up an interesting point - there are 4 'shades', how is a poor gal that's already worried supposed to know she's getting the right one?
posted by pupdog at 12:08 AM on February 12, 2010

what about those from the myriads of shades of human skintone in the world, eh? ashes of roses anyone?
posted by infini at 2:45 AM on February 12, 2010

how is a poor gal that's already worried supposed to know she's getting the right one?

Marilyn is the lightest of our colors. Good for beginners who want to make a slight change fresh color change in their appearance or those who are very fair skinned.

Bettie. Think of that favorite lipstick you wear for those dressy black tie affairs and think "Bettie". This shade blends with a woman's own skin tones to bring out that "sexy hot pink, I am fired up, look". Go dancing this weekend and remember to bring "Bettie" along!

Ginger will combine with darker skin tones to bring forth a real rosy tone. Use this one and be "Ginger-licious!"

Audrey - For the woman that loves to be daring, we bring you "Audrey"! This is the deepest, darkest color that we offer to give you a bold burgundy pink color. Perfect for everyone, and your own base color will determine the depth of this shade. Tonight its Show time!!

Hmmm...I don't see: Sharon. This shade is for women who like to flash their ladybits at the police.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:57 AM on February 12, 2010

I look forward to this cycle's ANTM contestants stammering their way through the commercial shoot: "Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. My New Pink Button™."
posted by nicepersonality at 7:03 AM on February 12, 2010

It contains CINNAMON?! Yeah, I suppose one's lady-garden will get rosier when irritated by a caustic substance.
posted by LynstHolin at 7:24 AM on February 12, 2010

...don't eat the mashed potatoes. Seriously.

so it was THAT kind of party.
posted by shmegegge at 8:21 AM on February 12, 2010

Not to be pedantic, but caustic means something that will dissolve or destroy or irreversibly damage other substances. Cinnamon is an irritant as it inflames skin, but doesn't dissolve or damage anything.

Doesn't change your point, but the difference is worth clarifying.
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 8:23 AM on February 12, 2010

An aging diva goes into a plastic surgeon's office. She's feeling intimidated as she goes into her consultation with the surgeon and before anything else is mentioned, she makes it clear that her privacy must be respected and that no one must know about it. The surgeon reassures her, "discression is the greatest part of our business, you can feel assured that no one else will know about your surgery. What procedure are you seeking?". Embarrassedly, she mentions how she's getting older and how her parts down south have gone further south. "Aah, we call that labiaplasty and vaginal reconstruction, be confident that we do many of these and uphold the most strict confidence with our clients."

Finding this agreeable, she signs the consent form and comes in a few weeks later for the surgery.

Later, as the anaesthesia wears off, she awakes to find three roses on her pillow. Upset, thinking that her privacy has been compromised she angrily calls the surgeon up to her room and demands to know who sent the roses.

The doctor explains, "The first rose is from myself, expressing my thanks to you for letting me provide a valuable service. The second rose is from my nurse and assistant who had the same procedure a few years back and wanted to congratulate you on your new lease on a beautiful love life."

"And the third rose???", she inquires.

"Oh, the third rose is from a man named Jerry in the burn unit on the 4th floor, he sent the rose to thank you for his new ears."
posted by isopraxis at 8:30 AM on February 12, 2010

I don't think women need to wear makeup.

I think they're beautiful as they are.
posted by Relay at 8:47 AM on February 12, 2010

If we're going to have a bad sex toy thread, I nominate the Tenga.
posted by pianomover at 9:00 AM on February 12, 2010

damn, my ears are burning...
posted by infini at 10:16 AM on February 12, 2010

damn, my ears are burning...

You're doing it wrong. Try a bit lower.
posted by scalefree at 6:51 PM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

The first review on this page is excellent.

"We both enjoyed ourselves as I waxed her squack and the dye really brought out the original finish."

squack. squack squack squack squack squack

I suggest we add this to our list of acceptable FPP euphemisms for NSFW posts, howboutit?
posted by toodleydoodley at 6:57 PM on February 12, 2010

"Never Tested on Animals" - I cannot imagine a more bizarre job than testing this on animals.
posted by ersatzkat at 7:24 AM on February 13, 2010 [1 favorite]