Uncircumsized Klingons
March 5, 2010 8:47 PM   Subscribe

Christian Star Trek[SLYT]
posted by mccarty.tim (63 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Exploring the other videos on the "Most Violent Film Ever"? I find this one far more f***ed up.

Also, someone please tell me what the name of the starship is? Because I keep hearing "pedophile", but it also sounds like someone tinkered with the audio at that point.
posted by Decimask at 8:58 PM on March 5, 2010 [3 favorites]


This is either really bad, or I've had too much to drink...

or both
posted by HuronBob at 9:00 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: Sit on a phaser and die!
posted by Decimask at 9:00 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Why, oh why?

I couldn't make it past :27. Capt Retard? Kick me sign?
posted by blahblah at 9:02 PM on March 5, 2010


AGHHH
THE UNIFORMS
THEY DO NOT MATCH
I CANNOT WATCH THIS
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:03 PM on March 5, 2010 [6 favorites]


I can't tell if this is pro- or anti-christian, or pro- or anti-Trek. The "starfleet" personnel have the unsettling grins and earnest-but-stilted delivery of preachers, but they refer to their own captain as "retard". And the "Klingons" are against the apparently-christian "starfleet" crew, but they quote (and give credence to) scripture?

This is messy. First-season-of-Voyager messy.
posted by chudmonkey at 9:03 PM on March 5, 2010 [10 favorites]


Uncircumsized Klingon? Well thats a new one. Never heard those words strung together before.
posted by nola at 9:04 PM on March 5, 2010


Why does the seated Klingon sound like the Cookie Monster?
posted by maudlin at 9:05 PM on March 5, 2010 [3 favorites]


I like the Klingons' acting syyle, which is to shout, and then freeze for a terrified moment until they remember their next line of dialogue, and then to shout again.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:05 PM on March 5, 2010 [13 favorites]


What the fuck.
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:07 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


That was a whole lot of not funny in a very small space. Pressurized not funny. Maybe even weaponized.
posted by Scattercat at 9:08 PM on March 5, 2010 [7 favorites]


The general horrible drove me away from that way before they managed to get any "Christian" into whatever the hell that was. A better description might be "unwatchable piece of shit" (that Hugga Bunch number was on point though).
posted by nanojath at 9:16 PM on March 5, 2010


Uncircumsized Klingon?

Actually it was "uncircumsized Philistone [sic]."

I like the video description: "Seriously this kind of shit has to end." Hear, hear.
posted by albrecht at 9:21 PM on March 5, 2010


Hugga Bunch. One minute and three seconds. That's the point where I made a face which I'm not sure I can ever unmake. The paralyzed rictus of what-the-fuck has been carved into the muscles of my face, and this expression will be worn to my grave.
posted by FatherDagon at 9:40 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


"Get behind me, Sat-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!"
posted by joe lisboa at 9:40 PM on March 5, 2010 [7 favorites]


I like where Klingon Monster quotes Parables
posted by KokuRyu at 9:41 PM on March 5, 2010


This is really bad and I have had too much to drink. I also kind of like it.
posted by glip at 9:46 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


What's with all the prominently-titled SLYT posts lately? You folks are just fucking with that guy from MetaTalk, aren't you?
posted by yhbc at 9:49 PM on March 5, 2010 [7 favorites]


I spent 4 minutes trying to figure out the backstory on this, whether it was pro- or anti-Christian, etc., before I finally just decided it was anti-funny and decided to leave it at that.

I like the Klingons' acting syyle, which is to shout, and then freeze for a terrified moment until they remember their next line of dialogue, and then to shout again.

I got a pretty strong C-circuit wrestler vibe off of them.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:53 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


I watched the thing all the way to the end and I am conflicted. On the one hand, it's pretty terrible, but on other, I found the ending and (only the ending) hilarious.

And I still don't know whether this is mocking crappy homemade xtian propaganda or is crappy homemade xtian propaganda.
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:57 PM on March 5, 2010


Starring Hulk Hogan as "Klingon #1".

I'm also confused as to whether this was a send-up or not ... but it didn't matter!
posted by not_on_display at 10:04 PM on March 5, 2010


Starring Hulk Hogan as "Klingon #1".

Exactly what I came here to say. And the standing one is doing some kind of glam rocker/KISS preening thing.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:06 PM on March 5, 2010


I can't tell if this is a real, badly-made Christian film or a spoof of a badly-made Christian film.

You fuckers have broken my irony meter.
posted by lekvar at 10:09 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


I think it's a badly-made christian film that's self-aware of how badly made it is, and the dudes are just having fun. They got their church to give them a budget and they're gonna use it to the best of their ability, dangit!
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:19 PM on March 5, 2010


lekvar: or a badly made spoof of a badly made Christian film.

DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:19 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


also, where do you even get Motion Picture-era uniforms?
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:20 PM on March 5, 2010 [4 favorites]


Of all the videos I've encountered in my travels, this was the most ... stupid.
posted by Ratio at 10:22 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Whoa, video that makes christians look off-kilter, AND uses the R-word. Truly this + Metafilter are a match made in...err I mean a really, really good match
posted by circular at 10:31 PM on March 5, 2010


@Denny Crane and Alanshore; can good decency hire you for one more battle? Just one more windmill to tilt at crushing? jst cus it lookslike a duck and quacks like a duck... I can tell you from this range sir, I's ; no a duck.
posted by infinite intimation at 10:41 PM on March 5, 2010


Oh man, two Everything Is Terrible posts two days in a row, and I have nothing to do with it!
posted by The Devil Tesla at 10:50 PM on March 5, 2010


Gah. Anyone got a link to the most violent film ever post from yesterday or a couple of days ago?
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 10:53 PM on March 5, 2010


The uniforms include the ones from 2270, the ones from 2270-2350, and the ones from 2350-2360. Furthermore, the technology on the ships seems to be from around 2260. I'm just unable to figure out where in the Star Trek timeline this clip could possibly fit. That's why I'm striking it from my personal canon.
posted by Katrel at 10:58 PM on March 5, 2010 [7 favorites]


Gah. Anyone got a link to the most violent film ever post from yesterday or a couple of days ago?

Here!
posted by The Devil Tesla at 11:07 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


tl;dw. So, Godless Vulcans, amirite ? Or, coulda, shoulda, woulda, even better, godless Romulans with single payer health plans ?
posted by y2karl at 11:10 PM on March 5, 2010


Everything is Terrible does tend to do what it says on the tin.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:26 PM on March 5, 2010


Actually it was "uncircumsized Philistone [sic]."

Philistones, meet the Philistones, they're a heathen stone age family...
posted by nanojath at 11:36 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


The Garbage Pail Kids Movie was pretty fucked up, too.
posted by empath at 11:46 PM on March 5, 2010


LOLSPOOFCHRISTIANS!
posted by Balisong at 1:28 AM on March 6, 2010


what. was. that.
posted by salishsea at 1:52 AM on March 6, 2010


That was actually kind of charming.
posted by Shepherd at 3:39 AM on March 6, 2010


It is from a Christian youth video show called Fire By Nite
posted by A189Nut at 3:48 AM on March 6, 2010


Wow, that makes the Star Trek pr0n films look good... err or so I've been told.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:10 AM on March 6, 2010


Good Christ, that was terrible.
posted by bwg at 4:16 AM on March 6, 2010


Reactions.
0:27 - That's not funny.
0:44 - Did these people watch even single episode of Star Trek?
1:08 - Was that supposed to be funny?
1:23 - What the fuck did that have to do with anything?
1:38 - Huh?
2:05 - Wait... is he supposed to be doing an impersonation of Forrest Kelley? It's not working.
2:14 - They're smoking the good shit, huh.
3:00 - Yes. Yes, Everything *is* Terrible.
posted by SansPoint at 4:49 AM on March 6, 2010


And here, because I have nothing better to do, is a list of Biblical allusions from the video:

0:52 no weapon formed against them will prosper (Isaiah 54:17)
0:58 joy in their God is their strength (Nehemiah 8:10)
1:12 God will promote you (Psalm 75:7*)
1:55 uncircumsized Philistone (1 Samuel 17:26)
2:01 ensnared by the very words of your mouth (Proverbs 6:2)
2:10 I shall fight this uncircumsized Philistone (1 Samuel 17:36)
2:31 I have come in the name of the Lord my God (1 Samuel 17:45)

All the 1 Samuel references come from the story of David and Goliath, which this skit is repackaging into the weird guitar battle, which itself might be meant to be an allusion to David's musical skills (1 Samuel 16:23).

* I don't think there's a verse anywhere that exactly says "God will promote you," although this one comes close. But it became a catchphrase in Christian fundamentalist circles--just Google it for thousands of examples--and it was used to say that if you are good and faithful, God will move you into a position of greater responsibility at the right time. That was often applied literally to promotions at one's place of employment.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:47 AM on March 6, 2010 [7 favorites]


I like the Klingons' acting syyle, which is to shout, and then freeze for a terrified moment until they remember their next line of dialogue, and then to shout again.

I'm beginning to suspect I'm the only person who just naturally speaks that way.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:00 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


Pater, thanks for the much needed decoding. This changes it from nonsensical shit to just plain shit.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:08 AM on March 6, 2010


Well, that was better than Enterprise.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:08 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


what
posted by grouse at 7:38 AM on March 6, 2010


11 hours ago it was unknown to me if my reaction to this was due to the quality of this video or my level of intoxication.

Now, in the light of day, after a long walk in the cold and several cups of coffee, it is clear to me what the answer is....
posted by HuronBob at 8:04 AM on March 6, 2010


What does God need with a starship?
posted by Ratio at 8:23 AM on March 6, 2010 [8 favorites]


I'm beginning to suspect I'm the only person who just naturally speaks that way.

I suspect you've never been to Hong Kong.
posted by bwg at 8:24 AM on March 6, 2010


You know what? This is great.

I offer that assessment snark-free. What you're looking at here falls in a tradition of wildly overproduced, completely earnest megaproductions that megachurches use to get their parishoners hyped up. It's not supposed to be good or bad, it's supposed to be camp, in the tradition of pantomimes: something that's simultaneously ridiculous, but fun enough to get excited about.

A couple of years ago, I was sent to a local megachurch to investigate the curiousity of their annual Christmas pageant, which had proved so popular that it was still running in January.

So I trucked out to Toronto's somewhat iffy outskirts, and walked into this enormous, pancake-shaped building with seats for 3,000 (in these godless parts, that's big for a church) only to find that the whole thing had been converted into a cityscape, complete with pilfered mailboxes and working traffic lights strung from the roof.

The show turned out to be a giant morality play that just happened to be set at Christmas. It cost hundreds of thousands to produce. There was a giant heaven-and-hell set on stage, each two or three storeys tall. In skit after skit, good citizens of Toronto were introduced and summarily killed, only to find themselves at the pearly gates, about to be sorted for the afterlife.

The ones who repented in time ascended the giant white staircase in slow-motion, waving as game-show music played, their faces projected on giant screens. At the top, God himself emerged in a giant puff of smoke to welcome the deceased home. The audience whooped and cheered.

The ones who had not lived their lives to the liking of this particular church, however, met the real star of the show: Satan, dressed in a full face prosthetic that made him look, well, Klingon, and chewing scenery in much the same way. He would drag people over to the Hell set, grab them by the throat, and toss them over the edge as pyrotechnics exploded. More whoops and cheers.

On and on this went. At the climax of the show, God and Satan actually had a Harry Potter duel with fireworks, flying through the air on cables suspended from the room. Whoop, cheer!

It was silly, and campy, and over-the-top, but it was SPECTACLE. And whether you're coming at this from a secular or a religious point of view, there's no limit to what you can pull off artistically if you throw yourself at something full-bore. It captivates people. Once an audience realises that you're dead serious about pulling off a terribly goofy piece of work, they'll sign up and come along.

Defeating the Klingons in a holy guitar battle? That's kind of awesome. I might not have God on my side, but I'd whoop and cheer for that.
posted by bicyclefish at 9:25 AM on March 6, 2010 [7 favorites]


Ratio wins.
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:39 AM on March 6, 2010


Pater, thanks for the much needed decoding. This changes it from nonsensical shit to just plain shit.

I think I know what the new motto for my consulting firm will be.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:45 AM on March 6, 2010


Metafilter: from nonsensical shit to just plain shit.
posted by Alterscape at 11:28 AM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm not sure if it's the hangover talking, but this is really terrible.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:53 AM on March 6, 2010


Wow -- is this the Battle for Milkquarious, Part 2, Electric Boogaloo? Where's White Gold?
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 1:23 PM on March 6, 2010


The guitar-off is where I lost it.
posted by hempgranola at 2:14 PM on March 6, 2010


You had to wait until he throws his plectrum, ninja shuriken style, and it sticks into the Klingon's forehead.
posted by jimfl at 4:42 PM on March 6, 2010


Metafilter: this uncircumcised Philostone

also this.
posted by stonepharisee at 5:28 PM on March 6, 2010


What does God need with a starship?

Ask V'ger.
posted by FatherDagon at 5:38 PM on March 6, 2010


Needs more verisimilitude.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:46 PM on March 6, 2010


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