Abandon all hope, ye who add to queue...

March 23, 2010 12:45 PM

The official Church of Satan Video List. The official Church of Satan Fiction Reading List. The official Church of Satan Non-Fiction Reading List.
posted by hermitosis (82 comments total)

Citizen Kane

I knew it.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 12:48 PM on March 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Wuthering Heights? THOSE MONSTERS. No one can read that crappy book without feeling the pure sense of malevolent hatred of the devil himself.

And all this time I've been blaming Emily Bronte.
posted by norm at 12:50 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

If there's one thing I can't stand it's unofficial satanic reading and viewing lists.

On preview - Rosebud was a succubus.
posted by Babblesort at 12:50 PM on March 23, 2010

Your favorite video succubus.
posted by swift at 12:51 PM on March 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

LOLSATANISTS!
posted by rocket88 at 12:54 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Oddly enough, they aren't in Haitian Creole. ROBERTSONBURGER
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:56 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

The fact that a Church of Satan exists makes me realize that LIFE IS WEIRD
posted by archivist at 12:57 PM on March 23, 2010

During the last like real office job I worked (junior design intern!) me and other smartass interns mostly had an office to ourselves with little oversight. Somehow we got into habit of ending all conversation with "Hail Satan". Not "HAIL SATAN!" but a more quiet "and I need those files reformatted, k? yah print too. okay, hail satan." Like I said, most of our communication was between each other so this wasn't a deal until I absentmindedly answered a phone call from the President with a chipper "Design! Hail Satan!"

Which is one of the reasons I don't work in an office anymore.
posted by The Whelk at 12:59 PM on March 23, 2010 [88 favorites]

The fact that a Church of Satan exists makes me realize that LIFE IS WEIRD
posted by swift at 1:00 PM on March 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

I want the Church of Satan to begin faith based sex ed programs.

I mean, the funding is there, and who better to teach about sex?
posted by yeloson at 1:01 PM on March 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

In spite of the press hype and widespread terror, "satanism" is just another mystical religious movement.
posted by grobstein at 1:02 PM on March 23, 2010

I want the Church of Satan to begin faith based sex ed programs.


"Tonight our church presents "Let The Devil Inside". Lube is provided."
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on March 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

It's a nice idea yeloson but it's a real pain trying to find a virgin these days.
posted by Babblesort at 1:02 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Is it bad when I find myself agreeing with reading suggestions of Satanists more than that of some Christian Churches?

Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary

Heh, well I guess it's good to know the language.

"To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice." -Ambrose Bierce
posted by quin at 1:04 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Modern DD updates

"Metafilter: A device which turns energy into snark"
posted by The Whelk at 1:06 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

I was ready to be all LOLSATANISTS about this and then I read the lists. With the exception of a few outliers (people still read Freud? "Death Wish"?), that's some fine entertainment suggestions right there.

I mean, c'mon. "It's Alive" is a fucking classic.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:07 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Where's The Audacity of Hope, by The Antichrist?
posted by sallybrown at 1:08 PM on March 23, 2010 [16 favorites]

The Official Church of Satan Music List: EVERY FUCKING METAL BAND
posted by shakespeherian at 1:09 PM on March 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

The fact that a Church of Satan exists makes me realize that LIFE IS WEIRD

Regardless of the 80s Satanism fear-mongering, the Church of Satan is really just a reaction to Christian Churches, a kind of commentary upon them. It's no more a "real" church than is the Church of the Subgenius (which means slightly more real than you'd expect, but still, extremely low on the reality scale).
posted by JHarris at 1:10 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

I call fake. Every Satanist I've ever known would have at least three Ayn Rand titles on their fiction reading list.
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:11 PM on March 23, 2010 [20 favorites]

Metafilter: A device that turns-- I'm missing the point, aren't I?
posted by JHarris at 1:12 PM on March 23, 2010

Are they digging that new Burzum album?
posted by The Straightener at 1:12 PM on March 23, 2010

I thought it was music videos. I want to see Satan's Top 40 Hits.
posted by stormpooper at 1:17 PM on March 23, 2010

A satanist recommending Nietzsche and Machiavelli, raise your hand if you didn't know that guy in college.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:20 PM on March 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

Are they digging that new Burzum album?

Varg dissed 'em hard back in the day. He said they were just a bunch of aging swingers that couldn't get it up without wacky costumes and that's why he had to move from Satan to Wotan.
posted by ignignokt at 1:23 PM on March 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

The Official Church of Satan Music List: EVERY FUCKING METAL BAND

Except Christian metal and glam metal.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:26 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's amusing how many in the fiction list I have. Black Easter kicks ass. We Have Always Lived in the Castle is sublime. A Confederacy of Dunces is my book with the highest losses — I loan it out, it never comes back. Can we have these guys do the reading list for high school?

I'll bet the Temple of Set reading list is more Book of Five Rings-style.
posted by adipocere at 1:28 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Horatio Alger? Is it because the writing is so bad it has to be satanic?
posted by betweenthebars at 1:30 PM on March 23, 2010

Can we have these guys do the reading list for high school?

Right?? And honestly, how many Christian churches can we honestly say that about?
posted by hermitosis at 1:31 PM on March 23, 2010

at least three Ayn Rand titles...

Oh, hell no. I can't stand the woman. I don't have one of her titles on the shelf. I want to read philosophy that breaks my brain, I've got Bordieau, and I'm pretty sure he never had followers that try to justify rape.

I'll be honest, I've read about half of the recommended titles, and I haven't looked at the list in ages. When I'm not at work I'll poke around and see if it's been updated, and maybe I'll have a more substantial comment then.
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 1:31 PM on March 23, 2010

None of these picks is very surprising if you have actually read anything about Anton LaVey and the actual CoS practices. It was of course his intent to freak out gullible and small-minded people but in his beliefs he was a lot closer to Ayn Rand than most people realize. Oh and quite vocally racist.

Though it is pretty amusing to see Jerry Mander's Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television right between Machiavelli and Freud.
posted by localroger at 1:39 PM on March 23, 2010

The Official Church of Satan Music List: EVERY FUCKING METAL BAND

Except Christian metal and glam metal.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:26 PM on March 23 [+] [!]

How are those not the most devious of all Satan's works?
posted by jtron at 1:40 PM on March 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Their criteria for Satanic literature is that it contain "Satanic heroes as well as characters that expose the foibles of the human species" and "dark wisdom," or "infernal wisdom as food for thought." Then you're linked to Amazon.com, URLs complete with their own referral information. Diabolical indeed!

The movie list is primarily VHS, and stuff from the past decades. Have newer movies been more routinely blessed by priests, thus making it harder for true Satanists to view such "magic lantern" shows?
posted by filthy light thief at 1:42 PM on March 23, 2010

I'd love to see why some of these are on the list. What's the criteria? Blade Runner, for instance. I'd bet there's some fascinating rationales behind the recommendations.
posted by misha at 1:42 PM on March 23, 2010

How are [Christian and glam metal] not the most devious of all Satan's works?

So the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist that metal could be harmless?
posted by filthy light thief at 1:45 PM on March 23, 2010

As far as I'm concerned, 'metal' is an impolite term to use. It's like saying 'Democrat' party. The genre, please, is FUCKING METAL
posted by shakespeherian at 1:46 PM on March 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

No Aleister Crowley? Really?
posted by blucevalo at 1:48 PM on March 23, 2010

The Official Church of Satan Music List: No "Trolololo"?
posted by blue funk at 1:54 PM on March 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

I guess the LaVey's The Satanic Bible goes without saying then.

Rock on ---> \../
posted by Skygazer at 1:55 PM on March 23, 2010

Fucking Satanists always act like Watchmen is the only comic ever written.
posted by Artw at 1:58 PM on March 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

misha: "I'd love to see why some of these are on the list. What's the criteria? Blade Runner, for instance. I'd bet there's some fascinating rationales behind the recommendations."

For the Blade Runner case, it is the fact that the replicants can be seen as humans without souls. We had a Satanist come in to speak to our comparative religion class in highschool (yeah I went to a weird school), and mainly he wanted to talk about anroids and puppets and dummies - soulless automata that try to look human.
posted by idiopath at 2:08 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

(or, as I was saying just the other day)
posted by idiopath at 2:09 PM on March 23, 2010

According to LaVey, "Yes, We Have No Bananas" ought to be on the music list. I'm not even kidding.
posted by adipocere at 2:10 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

This thread needs a link to this
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:32 PM on March 23, 2010

Idiopath: I don't know much about Satanism. Was he making the argument that most people aren't really human, in that they're are not self-aware?
posted by KGMoney at 2:38 PM on March 23, 2010

LaVey was an accomplished pipe organist/calliope player, making Satanist music much more insidious than heavy metal. That shit's for kids, man.
posted by kittyloop at 2:43 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

KGMoney: I am not totally sure, actually. I tried to look for a more authoritative source online (by the way, a google search for "robot satanic" gives you a bunch of stuff which a 14 year old boy would find very exciting which has little to do with theology). I would guess, based on item seven on this page, that it has something to do with taking humans down from the religious pedastel of "chosen-ness". It could maybe be a response to the concept of a chosen people or god's elect etc.
posted by idiopath at 2:48 PM on March 23, 2010

This thread needs a link to this
posted by Mayor Curley 22 minutes ago [+]

I clicked on that link and all I got was an ominous message telling me: An error has occured, please try again later.

Like what is Satan busy or having server problems or something??

Anyhow, it was scary.
posted by Skygazer at 2:58 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

It was of course his intent to freak out gullible and small-minded people but in his beliefs he was a lot closer to Ayn Rand than most people realize.

I agree, but I'd actually put his philosophy much closer to Ragnar Redbeard than to any other single source. He did indeed rip off Ayn Rand (and Nietzsche, and Crowley, and and and...) for the Satanic Bible, but not nearly as much as he did Redbeard -- many of the most important (and, frankly, best) passages in the Satanic Bible were plagiarized directly from Redbeard's book. And the differences between CoS and Randian thought are, almost to a one, taken straight from Might Is Right. Except for the one he borrowed from Nietzsche.

Oh and quite vocally racist.

Yeah, thus the Redbeard.
posted by vorfeed at 3:01 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

No Dumas Club/The Ninth Gate? They're missing out.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:03 PM on March 23, 2010

The King In Yellow seems pretty appropriate though.
posted by Artw at 3:03 PM on March 23, 2010

Then again, since Chambers has been grandfathered into the Cthulhu mythos if your interests extend to that and Satanism there's always the dread Necronomicon.
posted by Artw at 3:07 PM on March 23, 2010

Weighted Companion Cube worships Satan? Now I'm GLAD I murdered you with fire, for the Lord. Nyaaah.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:17 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

vorfeed -- yes, LaVey certainly didn't get the total lack of circumspection from Rand, and he clearly thought she placed too much emphasis on reason and not enough on fun. But Rand had been mentioned, and most people are more familiar with her, and if you sum LaVey up as "Rand with some racist neo-Darwinism, egoism, sensory indulgence, and nod-nod-wink-wink mysticism for fun mixed in" you get pretty close.
posted by localroger at 3:19 PM on March 23, 2010

Thank you Satan
posted by Dick Laurent is Dead at 3:19 PM on March 23, 2010

Read Lisa Suckdog's Drugs Are Nice for a pretty unflinching account about what it's like to live with a satanist (Boyd Rice). Including a visit to LaVey himself while she was pregnant.

Really turned me from "COS makes the world a real place" to "If I had to be anywhere near these motherf*$@#$s I'd beat the crap out of them"
posted by lumpenprole at 3:28 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

re: robots

There's a series of five tenets in Satanism - the 'five pillars' for those of you who'd like to note we make fun of more than Christianity - and one of them is the idea of the construction of artificial human companions. Possibly part of it is the idea that since there are no souls, eventually, with enough technology, we can create humans outside of the strict biological imperative. Another part of it is that a lot of us don't like other people, but since humans are often social creatures, making robots is the next best things. (Also, why not? Why the hell not make personal servants without infringing on human rights?)

(Another tenet is the taxation of churches. That's part of why I protest with the Anonymous dorks.)

Xenophobe: I've been an out Satanist for a while on the board. BUT I LOVE MOST OF YOU. Being a Cube is tricky. ANGST.

I'll go watch some horrible movies now. (And yes, Ninth Gate should totally be on there; I haven't met another member who didn't like it.)
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 3:32 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

and one of them is the idea of the construction of artificial human companions.

Oh man, they still mention that, even now that LaVey's dead? Here's a tip: stop. It makes you (not "you you" but "Satanists in general") look like creeps. Anyone can plainly see upon reading it that that whole thing about "artificial human companions" in The Devil's Notebook was the pathetic wank fantasy of a lonely old man, and you guys really just ought to quietly drop it now that he's been dead almost 15 years. No one will know.
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:39 PM on March 23, 2010

Also, WCC, you totally remind me of me when I was listening to and believing this crap. I hope you realize how silly it all is before it takes up too much of your time.
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:41 PM on March 23, 2010

Weighted Companion Cube: "the construction of artificial human companions"

so close to eponysterical...
posted by idiopath at 3:43 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: I hope you realize how silly it all is before it takes up too much of your time.
posted by hermitosis at 3:48 PM on March 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

I would seriously suggest following a better class of con-artist, like Crowley...
posted by Artw at 3:48 PM on March 23, 2010

I don't actually care what you worship or whatever; I was just riffing on your username. Hail GlaDOS.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:04 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't much care what people worship as long as they don't want to tell me all about it. People who worship themselves are some of the worst at breaking that condition. Being around that gets old real fast.

Some people think that declaring that they know they are [selfish,bitchy,pushy,...] makes it OK. Self aggrandizing is unpleasant. Add a dash of sophomore philosophy to construct a justification for it and it becomes doubly so.
posted by Babblesort at 4:18 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Man, you people should be following me. I can think up so many awesome rituals.
posted by The Whelk at 4:24 PM on March 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Me, I like having seitan inside of me.
posted by everichon at 4:35 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm thinking this thread is getting a bit derailed.

Man, look at those VHS tapes! Therein lies the real horror.

In my experience, cutting things down to a 'recommended reading list' must have been hard for whoever helped write that up. I more realistic 'actual recommended reading list' is 'anything you can get your hands on that you're actually, really interested in.' Finding out what you're really interested in is harder.
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 4:54 PM on March 23, 2010

I love that The Car is suggested, presumably because LaVey was a "Technical Advisor" on the film (heh). Man, that's a great bad movie, and the eponymous car is really cool.
posted by dammitjim at 5:31 PM on March 23, 2010

making robots is the next best things. (Also, why not? Why the hell not make personal servants without infringing on human rights?)

Didn't you see Battlestar Galactica?!?! THE ROOMBA WILL RISE UP TO DESTROY US ALL!!!
posted by Saxon Kane at 5:31 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

> "Anyone can plainly see upon reading it that that whole thing about "artificial human companions" in The Devil's Notebook was the pathetic wank fantasy of a lonely old man"

That was way harsh Tai. I always think of that part of the book whenever I hear about RealDolls. Lots of lonely misathropist human beings out there with no desire to hear another actually express opinions/desires/needs...

...now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to playing The Sims.
posted by saturnine at 5:31 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't think the "artificial human companions" thing is the wank fantasy of a "lonely old man," since I don't think LaVey was ever lonely in his life. I think it was the wank fantasy of someone who wanted a combination he could not find IRL of a hot body connected to a mind that met his standards. He never had any shortage of hot bodies or keen minds at his disposal but I suspect he lamented the lack of an intersection there.

And while it seems like after years of circumspection I suddenly find reasons to talk about myself every day, it does seem worth pointing out that I did write a story about that sort of thing.
posted by localroger at 5:35 PM on March 23, 2010

localroger: "it does seem worth pointing out that I did write a story about that sort of thing."

Said story you also find reasons to talk about every day :)
posted by idiopath at 5:38 PM on March 23, 2010

idiopath, it probably means the Singularity is OH MY GOD WILL YOU LOOK AT

NO CARRIER
posted by localroger at 5:44 PM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

This can't be real; no Shirley Temple movies are listed.
posted by bwg at 5:47 PM on March 23, 2010

William Lindsay Gresham's noir classic Nightmare Alley

I just read this last month! I missed the satanism. There were tarot cards and spiritualism though. And carnys! It had everything.
posted by interplanetjanet at 6:07 PM on March 23, 2010

from vorfeed: He did indeed rip off Ayn Rand (and Nietzsche, and Crowley, and and and...) for the Satanic Bible, but not nearly as much as he did Redbeard

You would think that the least you could expect out of a satanist is intellectual honesty. I'm so disillusioned.
posted by _cave at 6:56 PM on March 23, 2010

LaVey's writing always cracked me up (on purpose). His misanthropic view of humanity is very easy to dismiss once you get to be about seventeen, until you're at the DMV or trapped in a long conference call or attempting to get in touch with customer service. At those moments....
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:04 PM on March 23, 2010

Of course there's no Crowley in there. It's a branch of Christianity. They don't want people to escape completely.
posted by motty at 7:19 PM on March 23, 2010

They recommend The Car but not Death Bed: The Bed that Eats? That's pretty unSatanic.
posted by zinc saucier at 7:53 PM on March 23, 2010

Key Largo?
posted by destro at 10:09 PM on March 23, 2010

The most satanic book I ever read is William Blake's The Marriage of Heaven and Hell. It's like black hole of self-justification.

I read it often.

Really lifts the spirits.
posted by wobh at 6:05 AM on March 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm glad to see Nathanael West's lesser-known works get some recognition.
posted by Houyhnhnm at 5:49 AM on March 26, 2010