Shit My Kids Ruined

May 12, 2010 2:12 PM

The strongest visual birth control on the market today.
posted by ottereroticist (173 comments total)

Oh please.
posted by Danf at 2:16 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

It's too bad there isn't a site "Shit My Parents Ruined" that is nothing but portraits of these kids.
posted by Pastabagel at 2:21 PM on May 12, 2010 [62 favorites]

These are weak and unfunny and seem to be mostly from bitter parents who hate life in general. If my kids want to marker up their faces, go apeshit kids. It's a pretty self-limiting behaviour.
posted by GuyZero at 2:21 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

NSFW?
posted by oneironaut at 2:23 PM on May 12, 2010

Mostly limited by face size and ink quantities.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:23 PM on May 12, 2010

And the first day you go to school with your face covered in marker is generally the last.
posted by GuyZero at 2:24 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Alot of them were like bored kids trying to do something fun and creative and the parents whining about a $10 t-shirt or hair that will grow out. Or the girl who covered the wall in writing and drawings that didn't even look bad.
posted by amethysts at 2:25 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

this is pretty awful and unfunny
posted by empath at 2:25 PM on May 12, 2010

How does it take "weeks" to clean up packaging popcorn? That's an hour-long fix, max.
posted by reductiondesign at 2:27 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

As a parent, if my kid has a diaper blow out, my first reaction is never to grab the camera and take a picture.
posted by drezdn at 2:28 PM on May 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

yeah, bitter and dumb parents being bitter and dumb. The "ruined my wedding pic" one is just plain sad. I feel sorry for the kid... there's gotta be a story there.

I didn't understand the "Holiday in France ruined" pic. Anyone?
posted by Ratio at 2:29 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

MeFites hate everything.
posted by smackfu at 2:29 PM on May 12, 2010 [13 favorites]

empath, other knee-jerk haters: You're wrong, look deeper. There are some pretty amazing photos in here. I've had this one open all day: BIG TROBBLE.

It may seem to a non-parent that this is mean-spirited and bitter. And perhaps some of the entries are. But a lot of them are just honest and good-natured venting, and also pretty hilarious shots of what massive damage kids can cause.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:31 PM on May 12, 2010 [9 favorites]

tumblr ruins everything.
posted by boo_radley at 2:31 PM on May 12, 2010 [9 favorites]

When my kids mess up packing popcorn it takes me zero time to fix the problem. It's not like they're going to break it when they pick up back up or something.

Also: all that packing styrofoam will fit into a standard coffee mug with the help of about a quarter-cup of acetone. Now it's SCIENCE!
posted by GuyZero at 2:31 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

My daughter is just shy of 18 months, and despite being on the slower end of gross motor development, she can trash a room like Keith Moon. These photos make me very afraid for the future.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:33 PM on May 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

It may seem to a non-parent that this is mean-spirited and bitter.

I am a parent. That site is not only mean-spirited and bitter, but most of the pictures depict idiotic parenting, not kids ruining things.
posted by The World Famous at 2:34 PM on May 12, 2010 [20 favorites]

Who complains about losing a social life after having a kid? Was that a surprise?
posted by mkb at 2:34 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I took most of it in a better-laugh-or-you'll-go-crazy way. I think maybe these parents are exasperated, not angry. I hope.
posted by bibbit at 2:34 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

Ratio: I didn't understand the "Holiday in France ruined" pic. Anyone?

I think maybe it's a smashed windscreen on the far left?
posted by geek anachronism at 2:34 PM on May 12, 2010

But the "big trouble" one just makes me sad.
posted by The World Famous at 2:35 PM on May 12, 2010

Another "shit unique to you" book on the way? Great.

The success of crowd-sourced coffee-table publishing saddens me. I'd be a lot happier if we could just organize massive handoffs of all of our family photo albums, have the submissions categorized by generic event, segregated by popularity, bound and delivered by gifting season each year. Maybe we can title it "You're not alone: Shit you and everyone else does."
posted by jsavimbi at 2:35 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

seriously, I thought this was done by loving parents who thought this was funny. as in, "sigh. kids! whatcha gonna do."
posted by shmegegge at 2:35 PM on May 12, 2010 [26 favorites]

I was going to post STFUparents here as a cromulent link but the blogger's comments on the topmost posts are actually interesting in re: how we treat each other on this series of tubes
posted by jtron at 2:36 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

They ruined your ugly couch? Good.
posted by R. Mutt at 2:36 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

That site is not only mean-spirited and bitter, but most of the pictures depict idiotic parenting, not kids ruining things.

Yep.

Only an idiot thinks that a bored child will become magically happy and well-behaved by giving them a MARKER FFS. You give a bored child a marker, this is what you get.
posted by GuyZero at 2:36 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

There needs to be a "shit tumblr has ruined" blog, with links to other tumblr blogs.
posted by NoraReed at 2:37 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Godfather III
—Francis Ford Coppola
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:38 PM on May 12, 2010 [45 favorites]

but most of the pictures depict idiotic parenting, not kids ruining things.

As a parent too, I thought most of the pictures depicted shit that happens and will always happen, regardless of parenting, personality, or anything else.
posted by peep at 2:38 PM on May 12, 2010 [19 favorites]

Yes, it was totally my parents fault when I broke the knob top off their four post bed by swinging on it. They shouldn't have left me alone for a second. Idiotic parenting? Are you serious?
posted by smackfu at 2:38 PM on May 12, 2010 [26 favorites]

How does it take "weeks" to clean up packaging popcorn? That's an hour-long fix, max.

When I was about 10, we had a dog. The dog had a huge dog pillow that was filled with tiny styrofoam beads. One night, my parents were out and the dog tore up the pillow, leaving nothing but a huge pile of styrofoam beads. My brother and I thought the beads looked like snow, and since it was Christmas time, we decided to decorate the tree with them. Those things stuck around all the next year. They can't really be swept up well, and it was just too much for the vacuum to handle. Months later, we were still finding styrofoam beads stuck in the couch cushions, or clinging to another piece of furniture.
posted by lexicakes at 2:39 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

smackfu I think it's because nerds are mostly kids at heart: we don't have a lot of responsibilities and so we identify always with the free-spirited kids who are being "abused" by having their pictures put on the internet by "mean" parents. also can i borrow $120? i need to go to the dentist.

kids destroy shit. they're like a force of nature. it is amusing to watch in a omgwtf-way and cathartic for the parents to talk about it anonymously. if they're making stilted jokes, at least they can have a sense of humor about it, which might prevent them from like putting the little angels in bowling bag and leaving them in an alley behind goodwill.

please dont overthink this.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:39 PM on May 12, 2010 [12 favorites]

It may seem to a non-parent that this is mean-spirited and bitter.

I'm a parent. This site is mean-spirited and bitter.

From now on, whenever I'm blue and feel like maybe I'm not living up to my responsibilities to my daughter, I'm going to "shitmykidsruined" to remind myself that, no matter how bad it gets, at least I'm not one of those parents.
posted by lekvar at 2:40 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

But I doubt they posted bitter comments and a photo of it to the intertubes.
posted by GuyZero at 2:40 PM on May 12, 2010

NoraReed: "
There needs to be a "shit tumblr has ruined" blog, with links to other tumblr blogs."

"Hey, that's a delightful idea." And so I registered shittumblrruined.tumblr.com. The first thing I see post registration is "TRY UPLOADING A PICTURE OF YOURSELF".

This game isn't so funny anymore.
posted by boo_radley at 2:41 PM on May 12, 2010 [26 favorites]

While mommy was checking the mail, our 3 year old got in the sewing room…might just be easier to have a controlled fire to clean room up and find all the pins and needles on the floor

Plan C: magnet and ninety seconds' work.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:42 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Somewhere, I have lots of pictures of when my 7-year-old went to town on my PC, monitor, keyboard, mouse, desk, office chair, chair pad, etc, with a glitter Sharpie.

Wife was irate. I laughed hysterically. I cleaned the monitor glass and the chair pad with Goo-Gone, and left everything else as-is. The glittery silver marks still make me smile.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:42 PM on May 12, 2010 [31 favorites]

Gee, these parents sure do nap a lot.
posted by dabitch at 2:42 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Need to sandbox these kids in their own separate tabs so they can't destroy any of your data.
posted by Joe Chip at 2:42 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Huh. I am surprised by the negative/serious reaction here from this. I've been enjoying and laughing at these pictures, but maybe I'd feel differently if I had kids or knew kids. Or more parents than I currently do, for that matter. Or maybe I'm missing something else here.

I do find the link text of this post wee contentious, however.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:44 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yes, it was totally my parents fault when I broke the knob top off their four post bed by swinging on it. They shouldn't have left me alone for a second. Idiotic parenting? Are you serious?

Buying an expensive and delicate four-post bed when you have a 7-year-old? Idiotic parenting.
posted by The World Famous at 2:45 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Obligatory.
posted by brundlefly at 2:45 PM on May 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Note to self: Don't complain about my children on the internets. Harsh audience. :)
posted by zarq at 2:46 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

The Whole Fucking Country.
-George Herbert Walker Bush
posted by Ratio at 2:47 PM on May 12, 2010 [26 favorites]

Come on, guys. I don't think this is really mean-spirited, and I don't think these kids are going to have psychological issues just because their moms told the story about the time they peed on the couch or got into the baby powder. These are pretty normal things that kids do, and most parents are able to laugh about it.
posted by lexicakes at 2:47 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Cool Papa Bell: "Somewhere, I have lots of pictures of when my 7-year-old went to town on my PC, monitor, keyboard, mouse, desk, office chair, chair pad, etc, with a glitter Sharpie.

Wife was irate. I laughed hysterically. I cleaned the monitor glass and the chair pad with Goo-Gone, and left everything else as-is. The glittery silver marks still make me smile."

A refreshingly healthy attitude, CPB, not just to parenting but to stuff in general. Thanks.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 2:48 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Buying an expensive and delicate four-post bed when you have a 7-year-old? Idiotic parenting.

I mean, you know that people can have a bed for a long long time, right? as in, since before their 7 year old was born. also, I mean, really? idiotic? shit, people try to buy nice things sometimes. sure, as a parent I imagine you get used to realizing that won't always work out with a kid, but idiotic? they bought a nice bed. it's not like they bought a faberge egg and left it in the playpen or something.
posted by shmegegge at 2:49 PM on May 12, 2010 [23 favorites]

Shit My Kids Ruined

"I mean, there I was, just takin' a dump, readin' the sports section, and they just run in and ruin it. It's the only 'me' time I get."

Shit, My Kid's Ruined

Drinkin' beer an' shit

Shit My Kid's Runed

Damn you, Gandalf!
posted by djgh at 2:50 PM on May 12, 2010 [15 favorites]

Somewhere, I have lots of pictures of when my 7-year-old went to town on my PC, monitor, keyboard, mouse, desk, office chair, chair pad, etc, with a glitter Sharpie.

Wife was irate. I laughed hysterically. I cleaned the monitor glass and the chair pad with Goo-Gone, and left everything else as-is. The glittery silver marks still make me smile.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:42 PM

This is exactly the kind of story this site was made for.

I think the overwhelming attitude of many of the posts are: Haha man this lil destructo-monster is a artistic genius.

I mean look at this: Fucking Pwned.

Baller.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:52 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

As far as visual birth control goes, this one did it a while ago.
posted by qvantamon at 2:53 PM on May 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Perhaps I'm too indulgent of a parent but I've sincerely enjoyed the times my child has taken something apart in our house because I like how kids rarely care how something was intended to be used, they go straight to using the thing in the way they want to use it. As long as open flame or other people's property aren't involved, I'm good.

And anyway, kids' destructive ability pales in comparison to dogs. For example: my kid has never thought to exit the house by gnawing a labrador-sized hole through successive layers of plasterboard, insulation and stucco.
posted by jamaro at 2:53 PM on May 12, 2010 [14 favorites]

Yeah I think this is pretty tongue-in-cheek ruination for the most part. THese families will lovingly retell these stories forever. I don't think the parents are really bitter meanies.
posted by Mister_A at 2:55 PM on May 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

I didn't see this as malicious at all... thought it was done by amused parents. I thought it was pretty cute at any rate. D'aaaww!
posted by biochemist at 2:57 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Lol cocks
Need new sister
Smug but fashionable

If you don't find any of those hilarious, you need a nap.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:57 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

but maybe I'd feel differently if I had kids or knew kids

My Grandparents bought and sold antiques, and so the house I grew up was FULL of antiques, including my Grandmother's dozens of antique teacups, displayed right out on the tea tray, about 2 1/2 feet off the floor. I never broke anything, and my son (3 1/2) has never done anything like this either. (Well, ok, he drew a line on the wall in the hallway with a pencil once.)

Having stuff like this happen is just part of being a parent. If there is stuff my son can actually ruin (a few heirloom items come to mind) then I put it out of his reach.

I'm not impressed by the tone of the site or the voice I'm "hearing" from the text by the parents.
posted by anastasiav at 2:59 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

What is that stuff in the "Big Trobble" picture, salt?
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:00 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

When I was a kid all I had was an old box in a cupboard and if I ever made any noise my dad would come and break one of my toes so I look at these kids and I think, gee, things sure have changed.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:01 PM on May 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

These parents should be ashamed of themselves; complaining about stuff like this? That bed is still mostly intact and that food on the floor is simply a happy dog waiting to happen.

Shit, I didn't see a single crater, or charred husk of a car among these photos.

Now, in my day, kids knew how to ruin some stuff. These parents are raising a generation of underachievers.
posted by quin at 3:07 PM on May 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Smug but fashionable

So... I guess my beef, such as it is, is that the site is "Stuff my kids Ruined" but "ruined" is kind of a strong word for a $5 t-shirt. And maybe my kids are comedic geniuses or something but just cutting up a shirt... meh. It doesn't rate a mildly amusing.

Most of this is just broken and/or messed up stuff that's neither important nor funny and the act of bothering to put it on the intertubes comes off, to me, as bitter. Who care that your kid broke a wineglass? My dishwasher does it all the time but... damn, maybe I do have an idea for a tumblr blog: Stuff My Dishwasher Fucked Up Instead Of Washing It.
posted by GuyZero at 3:08 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

When I was a kid there was a little cubby, and when stuff was in the cubby that meant it was a-ok if I broke it. Good system.
posted by tuck_nroll at 3:09 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I found most of these pretty funny, mostly because we have a 1-year-old who gets into everything. Our house is in a permanent state of chaos and I guess I'm glad we have company out there on the interwebs.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:10 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

That's just one person and all her kids, right?
posted by HuronBob at 3:11 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I was going to post STFUparents here as a cromulent link but the blogger's comments on the topmost posts are actually interesting in re: how we treat each other on this series of tubes

This site is so much funnier to me.
posted by empath at 3:21 PM on May 12, 2010

This is why you always keep an eye on toddlers and preschoolers. I still recall the full can of baking powder my three decorated my kitchen floor in and danced on.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:22 PM on May 12, 2010

Smug but fashionable

You paid for a shirt with some stupid logo on it, and when your kid cut it up, so you got mad. This is why my children will wear "togas" of old towels and rags until they are in kindergarten. Or maybe 3rd grade, we'll see how lax the teachers are.

These pictures actually me excited to be a parent. My only concern is trying to keep from laughing all the time, because I probably shouldn't encourage such behavior too much.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:24 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I totally enjoyed these, as a 21 year old male who has friends with kids on the way - they are just going to love this and likely be regular contributers.

I did some pretty destructive stuff as a youngster. Spray on deodorant, for instance. Who knew it could cause such a wicked stain on things? That never comes out? I got into the stuff when I was six and remember how pissed my folks were to this day.
posted by deacon_blues at 3:25 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

And who leaves a 3 year old alone long enough to flood a bathroom?
posted by filthy light thief at 3:27 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Wife was irate. I laughed hysterically. I cleaned the monitor glass and the chair pad with Goo-Gone, and left everything else as-is. The glittery silver marks still make me smile.

Obviously, you're a cool papa.
posted by vivelame at 3:27 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

When my parents went out and bought new audio cassette tapes, we used to build "forts" out of them -- by pulling out the tape and stringing it around the furniture to create "walls". I still remember them coming home and expressing their unhappiness, and myself suggesting that it was no problem, I could wind the tape back in with a pencil, only multiplying the sense of futility of parents having their own interests.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 3:30 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Come on, guys. I don't think this is really mean-spirited, and I don't think these kids are going to have psychological issues just because their moms told the story about the time they peed on the couch or got into the baby powder.

You know, it isn't that there can't be a shared understanding and appreciation for the fact that kids wreck things; because they do, and it can cause moments of amusement or frustration. It's that things like that should not be set up for public ridicule. Sharing stories in general is different than pictures of real, human little persons with feelings. Empathy isn't asking whether or not kids are aware of these things to have psychological issues; but asking if they were aware of these things, would it make them feel bad?

I think I care more about this kind of thing now that I'm a dad. I fear the day when there is an accounting for all I've done in this life, and we get to the part called, "Things my dad said that accidentally made me feel bad." Oh ha ha, it's going to be hilarious.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:37 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

I am a parent and I laughed quite a bit at this site. Mean-spirited!? How!? My daughter has ruined lots of stuff, I wish I had taken pictures, but so what? I still love her and, after all, its only stuff.
posted by Vindaloo at 3:38 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Do you want mean-spirited and bitter? Give me three or four beers and ask me about my kids.
posted by digsrus at 3:38 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

A lot of these "problems" are things the parents bring on themselves. When I was growing up, there were rules. Like, no food outside of the kitchen. Don't play on or with stuff that could hurt you. If you drop food or spill something in the car, clean it up immediately. And how on earth is what appears to be a month of neglected laundry your kids' fault? I just don't get it. You can't complain about stuff that you're responsible for!
posted by phunniemee at 3:42 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm getting a sense that, especially in pictures like this, the act of taking the picture encourages the kid to ruin more shit. "Mommy is very angry at you - now let me just snap a quick one, smile! The internet's gonna love you!" Which is to say I have a beef with these parents, but a bigger beef with blog/youtube culture.
posted by naju at 3:43 PM on May 12, 2010

When I was a kid all I had was an old box in a cupboard and if I ever made any noise my dad would come and break one of my toes.

Cardboard box? You were lucky.
posted by The Bellman at 3:43 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's good to see that parents are still miserable dicks, I would have been bummed if I found out I got the last set.
posted by The Straightener at 3:45 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

deacon, you should have climbed up to the cupboard and spread peanut buttter on the wall as I did. It at least washed off.
posted by path at 3:47 PM on May 12, 2010

God forbid anyone publicly express anything but unmitigated exuberance for child rearing.

Okay, well it's a little whiny. But I imagine I'd be pretty damn whiny at times with a kid in the house.
posted by ODiV at 3:48 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

I'm old enough to have kids, but don't. So perhaps I see this from the perspective of those kids, all grown up, but whatever the case, I'm really kind of shocked. Kids destroy stuff. We all know that. But hey, here's a parent drawing attention to and permanently memorializing the particular instance of their kid destroying something. "Haha, look at my kid, he shat on my shirt!"

Makes me glad I surreptitiously burned all my baby pictures.
posted by adamrice at 3:50 PM on May 12, 2010

That one that says "My Wedding Picture" makes me want to cry for that poor kid.
posted by davejay at 3:51 PM on May 12, 2010 [15 favorites]

The one with massive amounts of clothes ruined by msasive amounts of poop, however? Comedy gold.
posted by davejay at 3:51 PM on May 12, 2010

Incidentally, I have a video in which my children have filled the entire room with tiny little pieces of packing foam, broken and torn out of packing material from a new piece of furniture. For a few seconds I was annoyed, but then I just pulled out the video camera and enjoyed the hell out of it. It went on forever, and I spent most of the afternoon vacuuming it up, but come on who doesn't want to do that sort of thing? Bah on these cranky parents.

also: my father had a simple fix for me breaking/ruining/taking apart everything. He said, "I don't care, so long as you can put it back together." It's one of the reasons I got so good at fixing things, and it's still useful today. Although I did hide an old amplifier that I couldn't fix, and as far as I know he never noticed it missing.
posted by davejay at 3:54 PM on May 12, 2010

You all are humorless bastards. This isn't meanspirited at all. If anything, it's kind of bragging. "Hey, look what my kid did. Bet you can't top that."

True, there are some bitter parents out there, but the vibe I got from all of this was more a "I sacrificed for my kids, but they're worth it."

That isn't an attitude I want to discourage.
posted by valkyryn at 3:56 PM on May 12, 2010 [13 favorites]

Eh, I don't know, davejay. People, as a rule, get multiple pictures taken at their weddings. I'm more inclined to read this as being one picture where the kid just happened to be looking down. Could be not the case, but then I'm guessing the caption would be "My wedding" or "My marriage" or something.

Yeah, it's a guess with virtually nothing to back it up, but so is any other interpretation.
posted by ODiV at 3:56 PM on May 12, 2010

This is a bad post for Metafilter, and if "Mysokidsistic" was a word, this would be that. What's next, "Things My Wife Ruined"?

This belongs on Cf_Hardcore.

Flagged.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:56 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here, have 3 or 4 beers, now tell me about your kids.
posted by dirty lies at 3:56 PM on May 12, 2010

Obligatory.
posted by gottabefunky at 3:57 PM on May 12, 2010

wow you all need naps

NAPS FOR EVERYONE

tie your kids up first though

(no just kidding don't accuse me of being a bad parent)
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:59 PM on May 12, 2010

"A lot of these "problems" are things the parents bring on themselves. When I was growing up, there were rules."

Uh just so you know there are rules now but kids are not perfect nor are parents

"God forbid anyone publicly express anything but unmitigated exuberance for child rearing."

LITTLE ANGELS FROM HEAVEN IF YOU SHOW THEM WITH BAD HAIRCUT GOD CRIES
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 4:01 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

I am mentally replacing each instance of "parent" in this thread with "designated driver" and "kids" with "drunk friends" so I can empathize. So, yeah, this is why I keep the sharpies well hidden. Who's ready for a snack and a nap?
posted by little e at 4:01 PM on May 12, 2010

In the unlikely scenario I ever end up being a parent - I'm furnishing the entire inside of the house in Lego and vinyl coated foam rubber, installing floors with drain holes and installing garden hoses in every room. Paint will never be left unattended. Any marker more permanent than a whiteboard marker will be banned. All entrances in and out of the building will use a clean-room airlock with a built in mandatory automatic showering system. In addition there will be kid-washing stations at various places throughout the house where you feed the kid through a

There will be one safe room - the office/computer room, which will be a controlled access fortress protected by a variety of high security, pick and spoof resistant locking mechanisms on a barred and gated steel fire door. It has no windows. It may or may not be guarded internally by a taser-wielding robot.

The kids can have their own computers whenever they want one but they'll also be coated on vinyl and be of a "washable" construction.

What's that you say? I'm obviously not ready or suitable for parenting? No shit!
posted by loquacious at 4:08 PM on May 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

wow you all need naps

You read my mind.

NAPS FOR EVERYONE

YAY!!!!

tie your kids up first though

TOO LATE. LITTLE MUNCHKINS HAVE CONSPIRED TO RAID REFRIGERATOR. DINNER RUINED.

(no just kidding don't accuse me of being a bad parent)

I can still duct tape them to the ceiling, right?
posted by zarq at 4:08 PM on May 12, 2010

OK, the quart (? doubtful) of black paint on the oriental rug is pretty bad.
It's the only damaged 'thing'* out of all of them that's particularly remorse-worthy.

*rather than stretched out body part.
posted by Flashman at 4:09 PM on May 12, 2010

In the unlikely scenario I ever end up being a parent - I'm furnishing the entire inside of the house in Lego and vinyl coated foam rubber, installing floors with drain holes and installing garden hoses in every room. Paint will never be left unattended. Any marker more permanent than a whiteboard marker will be banned.

This sounds suspiciously like our local Zoo. :D

All entrances in and out of the building will use a clean-room airlock with a built in mandatory automatic showering system. In addition there will be kid-washing stations at various places throughout the house where you feed the kid through a...

FOR FOOD PELLETS, INSERT NICKEL AND TURN KNOB.
posted by zarq at 4:11 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

It gets worse, people. Don't any of you remember being kids?

I very clearly remember finding *everything* my parents tried to hide from me. The Christmas and birthday presents were the least of it. Once I hit puberty, it was the pornography. Of course this was before the days of computers and parental controls; it was on paper, and there's a limited amount of space in a 1,900 sqft house where you can hide a big pile of paper magazines. When VHS came out they didn't even try, they just told me not to watch it when they were around.

On the parental controls thing I have told numerous people that I would personally be ashamed of any child of mine that could not figure out how to undo any parental control in my absence. In my day there was a device meant to interlock your TV set by disconnecting the power cord with a key; I hotwired it and did it so invisibly my parents didn't even know I had a bypass. They knew I knew about the porno bucket but they didn't find out about the TV killer bypass until I was 30 or so.

Kids are infinitely adaptable, curious, naturally clever, are sponges for knowledge, and they have a practically infinite amount of time to spend figuring out how to undo whatever you've done. You cannot win.

This is not the real reason I didn't want to have kids, but whenever my natural misanthropy starts to fade and I start to think the world might be worth saving after all, I remember the parental porno bucket and I'm once again glad I let someone else perpetuate the species.
posted by localroger at 4:12 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm not impressed by the tone of the site or the voice I'm "hearing" from the text by the parents.
They'll probably take it down, then.
posted by coolguymichael at 4:17 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Who complains about losing a social life after having a kid?

Ummm -- pretty much every single parent I know. "I never see you anymore!" Really? Huh! I don't suppose that has anything to do with the fact that you're generally not out drinking and dancing at 2AM on the weekends anymore, does it?
posted by webmutant at 4:18 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

You give a bored child a marker, this is what you get.

You own a marker, a bored child will find it, and then you will get this. I know, because I used to be that kid.

on preview: what localroger said.
posted by Mars Saxman at 4:20 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

When I was a young predicate of two years old or so, a friend and I apparently found some time for ourselves. Like, fifteen minutes or so.

We spent this time removing lightbulbs from lamps.

And stomping them into shag carpeting.

Because they made an awesome 'POP!' noise.

I'm lucky I didn't die twice that day, but I still can't look back at young me and think, man. That's doing it with style.
posted by verb at 4:23 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

OK, the quart (? doubtful) of black paint on the oriental rug is pretty bad.

Not as bad as you might think; I have the exact same rug and it's not terribly expensive. That said, we're still pulling cat hair out of the thing from a cat that died 5 years ago, so given the mess most kids make that carpet wasn't going to last anyways.

This thread brings to mind the approach my best friend takes to raising his kids, and I intend to take when it's my turn to be a parent. Whenever someone decides to share with you their views on how to raise your children and what you should be doing differently based on nothing, completely ignore what they say and even that they are speaking, going so far as to actually walk away on them in mid-sentence like they're not there at all.
posted by Kirk Grim at 4:29 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Forget stomping lightbulbs, My mom and/or her younger brother ate glass ornaments as wee ones.

The worst I did (that I remember hearing about) was tying the dining room furniture up with a spool of thread, and eating too much honey, ice cream (refrigerator with a freezer on the bottom is fine for adults, but a bad idea with little kids who like sweets), and deserts at a potluck (all separate instances). Except for the thread, it was worst for me.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:33 PM on May 12, 2010

I thought this would all be pictures of stretch marks and saggy boobs.

Imagine my disappointment.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 4:34 PM on May 12, 2010

I wouldn't hire any of these folks to babysit my toddler, but that doesn't mean I can't find a few of these funny...like the school project that proclaims 'Mommy and I play cock'. I didn't think that the pictures were posted (or taken) in anger...more like a graphic version of 'Kids Say the Darndest Things'. That wedding photo, though, damn...I'm going to go with the one bad take theory because it's just too sad otherwise.
posted by toodles at 4:43 PM on May 12, 2010

I once took a hammer to the TV screen. Totally ruined. I wish I could remember doing it, because I bet it felt awesome.
posted by sunnichka at 4:49 PM on May 12, 2010

Shit I ruined, as a kid:

* An amplifier, by laying a record cover over the ventilation holes.

Dad: "See these holes - what do you think they're for?"

"I don't know. So mice can breathe if they get in?"

* A bathroom towel rack, after watching Dr Who avoid stepping on an electified floor in one of the Cybermen series, by jumping from one piece of furniture to the next. The toilet, bath & cabinet could all support my weight, but the towel rack was under-engineered.

* A large plate glass door, which was really my sister's fault because she was inside the house & sticking her tongue out at me instead of opening the door.

* A toaster, because I'd never watched how grilled cheese sandwiches are actually made.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:53 PM on May 12, 2010 [11 favorites]

I don't get all cute-wobbly about kids the way other people seem to, don't plan to have any, but this link? Weak sauce.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:54 PM on May 12, 2010

My 5-year-old daughter once broke this awesome hanging lamp that I had found in a factory and converted to a side-table lamp. That lamp had been with me for 20+ years, since when I moved from Pennsylvania to Florida and then to California - when I ditched pretty much 95% of all my other possessions - and then back to PA. When my wife told me what had happened, I didn't say a word, just stared at the wall for 30 seconds remembering all the places that lamp had been, then sighed heavily and said to my daughter "Eh, it's just a lamp, kiddo. C'mere and give me a hug."
posted by Ron Thanagar at 5:02 PM on May 12, 2010 [11 favorites]

*shrug* If you have kids, this sort of thing happens. (I have two.) Ain't nothing to it.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 5:08 PM on May 12, 2010

I thought this would all be pictures of stretch marks and saggy boobs.

Sounds more like ShitMyMisogynyRuined.com, but maybe that's just because my stretch marks haven't "irreparably damaged" or "totally destroyed or disintegrated" my otherwise well-functioning bod. (Before you ask, yes, I did submit "my sense of humor" to ShitMyFeminismRuined.com.)
posted by sallybrown at 5:14 PM on May 12, 2010 [18 favorites]

The whole blog was worth it for this drawer photo. Every single time I mess with the display kitchens in Ikea, I fear doing this to myself.
posted by cmyk at 5:21 PM on May 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

The chicken with the STAR WARS helmet cracked me up.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 5:24 PM on May 12, 2010

Afterthought: maybe I had seen mum make dad a grilled cheese sandwich, but hadn't realised what was going on.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:27 PM on May 12, 2010

Pedophobic! That's the word I was looking for.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:34 PM on May 12, 2010

Whatever. This is cute and funny. Clearly much of parenting is non-stop frustration at those little beings that you love too much to take that frustration out upon. So instead you share your stories. Pictures can often do better than stories. There was nothing mean-spirited about this.

On an aside, this reminds me of a thread from a few years back that I can't seem to find, where it was a similar site but just stories of embarrassing things kids had done (lovingly told) and no pictures. If anyone remembers what that post was - that was a fun thread.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:36 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sheesh. I thought it was a funny site. Then a bunch of uptight and self-righteously offended Mefites made me feel guilty for laughing.

Uh-oh, here they come...

when I was a kid if I'd seriously damaged ANYTHING I'd've been homeless... no joke...
posted by kinnakeet at 5:38 PM on May 12, 2010

I think it's pretty decent birth control!
posted by sdn at 5:42 PM on May 12, 2010

The only big thing I remember ruining was my folk's neighbor's garage, because I wanted to see how gasoline burned. Oh, and his lawnmower, because that's where the gas was. I was five. I'm surprised I made it to six.
My kids are well into their twenties now (my oldest will be thirty this year! My kids age much more rapidly than I do.) and haven't ruined anything, ever. They just enhance.
posted by Floydd at 5:45 PM on May 12, 2010

I ruined the toaster with my method of melting the butter over the heating up bread. Of course butter in the innards of the toaster doesn't cause happiness, beyond delicious toasta.

Also: I am really impressed by the amount my four-month old can poop. Just a prodigious amount. She's my role model.
posted by angrycat at 5:47 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Navelgazer: "On an aside, this reminds me of a thread from a few years back that I can't seem to find, where it was a similar site but just stories of embarrassing things kids had done (lovingly told) and no pictures. If anyone remembers what that post was - that was a fun thread."

Was it a b3ta question of the week?
posted by yaymukund at 5:49 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

When I was 4, I self-administered a very, very bad haircut. The day before school pictures in preschool. Mom had to run me out to the stylist for an emergency salvage trim, and it was still pretty hideous in the pictures.

I have heard this story retold to all an sundry at least once or twice a year for almost 40 years now.

Posting anonymously to the Interwebs would have been less embarrassing.

Kids ruin shit. Parents lovingly bitch about kids ruining shit. It's the circle of life, Now with More Internetz^tm
posted by drlith at 5:56 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

This sounds suspiciously like our local Zoo. :D

You betcha. The only thing missing would be a Skinner box. I'm thinking "bear proof enclosure", except toddlers are probably more dangerous.

Yeah, this is why I don't have kids.
posted by loquacious at 6:09 PM on May 12, 2010

Then a bunch of uptight and self-righteously offended Mefites made me feel guilty for laughing.

I don't think you have to feel guilty for laughing. If something is funny, it's funny.

I do think that parents ought not to make their kids a public joke, though.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:32 PM on May 12, 2010

Potomac Avenue: "Lol cocks
Need new sister
Smug but fashionable

If you don't find any of those hilarious, you need a nap."

The first two, I agree. The last one? Christ... what is a kid in diapers doing with a pair of scissors? Should be "Shit My Unsupervised Kids Ruined."


dunkadunc: "This is a bad post for Metafilter, and if "Mysokidsistic" was a word, this would be that. What's next, "Things My Wife Ruined"?

This belongs on Cf_Hardcore.

Flagged."

Seriously? Get a grip. This is a cool little post that obviously not all people will like which, ironically, applies to approximately 100% of the posts on MetaFilter.
posted by Kskomsvold at 6:58 PM on May 12, 2010

I do think that parents ought not to make their kids a public joke, though.

Depends on what they've done.


Although I generally do agree.
posted by zarq at 7:01 PM on May 12, 2010

Wow way too serious in here. I think most people are missing the point it is the astounding resourcefulness and creativity that goes into how and what they destroy. As a parent I foubdvthe site hysterical and gave me that, oh, I'm not alone. As a child I found some shoe polish and painted my dad's office and being an old school dad i got a whooping. I doubt any if that is happening here. I have two sons the older was really never destructive but the younger oh boy we call him Terrimoto (earthquake) in Spanish. As for the terrible, neglectful parent b.s. You have no idea how fast a toddler can be. I went to pee, stand up pee like a three minute ordeal in that time terrimoto went from being engaged in a tv program to opening a door with childsafe handle on it and pulling down a book shelf scattering hundreds of books. I wasn't mad but rather impressed at the tiny amount of time it took him to destroy an entire room. Stuff like that happens all week long and it happens in a minute you go to the mail or to get laundry or cook dinner hovering over your child eyeball is not realistic or any sign of one better parent than another. Lighten up mefites this is funny.
posted by ExitPursuedByBear at 7:05 PM on May 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Shrug. I thought some of these pictures were pretty funny and the site wasn't mean-spirited at all. I came here to post the picture of the kids who painted the living room furnishings and themselves, but gottabefunky beat me to it.
posted by orange swan at 7:11 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

And yeah, a toddler can be FAST. One time a friend of mine visited me with her 13-month-old son. The kid goobered on an upholstered chair, dented my dining room table by pounding on it with a spoon, and wrecked two of my house plants, one a jade plant I had spent three years growing. This is with both of us watching him.
posted by orange swan at 7:14 PM on May 12, 2010

Wow, I can't believe all the people who started out this thread by running in to say how awful this site was and how they, themselves, are perfect parents. Or, you know, imply it.

I mean, how many of you are home with your kids actually parenting for most, or all, of the day anyway? Have you never had your kids break anything? I would rather live in a house where sometimes things get broken than one in which people walk on eggshells because of all the rules about what not to touch and where not to eat, etc.

Some of you are very quick to put the "idiotic parenting" labels on these people for what I took to be, for the most part, good-humored acceptance and some healthy venting for common frustrations when parenting (except for the wedding picture, which I agree was completely WTF?).

I have two entirely different stories of things being "ruined" by my kids (well, I have LOTS, but I'll tell these two for a reason. You'll see why).

The first happened when my two boys, at 5 and 3, were playing on the living room carpet and I went to use the bathroom. I hear a huge crash and run out to see my youngest surrounded by shards of glass all around. The floor was lava, and he and his brother were jumping from the couch to the chair, and he jumped on the glass coffee table. Or, more accurately, he jumped THROUGH the glass coffee table. I hurriedly picked him up and held him and checked for scratches and cuts and couldn't find *a single one*. It didn't occur to me to be angry for a second about the damned table. I was just so glad he wasn't horribly injured.

The second happened, actually, years before, when the youngest had just been born. His older brother, who was supposed to be napping in his room, completely coated everything in diaper rash cream and powder. The walls, the carpet, the bedspread, all totally white. And I lost it. I just couldn't believe he'd done this. I remember being outraged, of all things. My spouse actually took a present we had bought for him for Christmas *back to the store* because he had gone crazy with the white stuff, as a lesson to our son. And you know why we reacted in this (now obviously over-the-top) way? Because we were literally waking up every two hours to feed his baby brother and then getting up at dawn with him and living on no sleep and it made EVERYTHING seem like a big deal.

So, yeah, we ended up getting him more presents for Christmas, of course! And realizing we had over-reacted. The point is that sometimes parents need to vent, and kids will be kids, and you aren't perfect parents all the time even when you ARE home with your kids 24/7, which I have been basically since the day my oldest son was born nearly 17 years ago.

TL;DR version: Kids break things sometimes, parents vent sometimes, and it's no big deal.
posted by misha at 7:17 PM on May 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

I posted one of the pictures to my facebook page with the following message:

Dear Dan,
Remember that awesome butter fight we had in the kitchen when we were 5 and 6? You know, the one where you decided to take it up a level by shaking up a bottle of coke and letting it spew all over the pictures of Jesus and JFK? Sorry to break it to you, we've been topped.
- Michelle

I love this site. Not all of it; certainly not complaints about a ruined rack, stomach, social life or vagina. I love the parents with the not-too-subtle-admiration of their kid's love of creative chaos.

I am a parent. Yes, my kid fucks up things I'd really wish he wouldn't even dare touch, especially the somewhat expensive stuff (my 24 piece Martha Stewart glitter set that he turned into cargo for his transportation empire - that really hurt). It drives me insane and I sometimes find myself dumbfounded with rage.

At the same time, a not-too-small part of me admires his adventurous, anarchistic spirit of exploration. Yes, I do take pictures of the more spectacular carnage from time to time. My ultimate goal as a parent is to teach respect for other people's property, empathy and impulse control; while honoring and protecting his curiosity, creativity and sense of whimsey. Parenthood is full of these types of contradictions and I'm going on faith that my interventions will have the intended effect in the long run. Fingers crossed.

I'm ashamed to admit that I went ballistic when he raided my glitter collection, while at the same time I totally understood and even admired him for it. I wish I had been able to sort all of my feelings before I responded. Parents fuck up sometimes. I came up with what I hope is a creative compromise; We had a stern heart-to-heart about asking permission to use art supplies, combined with doling out parcels of the muddled-up glitter for him to play with from time to time.

Parenthood is an art, not a science.
posted by echolalia67 at 7:31 PM on May 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Seconding misha. From experience, I know that fatigue makes keeping things in perspective very, very difficult. It's even more difficult for parents of kids that are too young to express themselves yet, because you can't tell them what you want, or find out why they're doing certain things.

Although I suppose that once they learn to speak, they can *really* defy you, so it's six of one, half a dozen of the other.
posted by zarq at 7:41 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

1. My kids never really did anything this outrageous except carving their names into the kitchen table (but I always figured I'd have to resurface it post-kids anyway). And our daughter, then four, on the day we moved out of one house, decided all those blank walls were perfect for drawing pictures of people on different planets. We stopped her at Mars. Come to think of it, when our *son* was four, he decided to label each wall of the next house, and we stopped him at "G". But that was it for destruction.

2. I, too, thought most of these pictures were pretty cool (big trobble, especially!)

3. filthy light thief is going to be a pretty awesome parent.

4. Cool Papa Bell has an apt username.
posted by Michael Roberts at 7:56 PM on May 12, 2010

Some of these are funny, but they're cancelled out with the incredibly lame bumper-sticker ones like a picture of a decreasing line graph for "ever getting out of debt", or even just "MY SOCIAL LIFE" in a big font from the not-even-fucking-trying department. Apparently children also ruin your sense of what's funny and what isn't, which I guess accounts for the popularity of sitcoms which dispense this same bumper-sticker level of commentary on procreation.
posted by DecemberBoy at 8:04 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wish I had a picture of the rug my son ruined when he was a few days old--we were changing him and he had a mustard poop right when we were holding up his legs. I've never seen an arc like that. Splat on the rug. We got out the tape measure from the changing pad to the spot.

Nine. Fucking. Feet.

Sure it was gross, but dude! Nine feet!
posted by emjaybee at 8:28 PM on May 12, 2010 [9 favorites]

we were changing him and he had a mustard poop right when we were holding up his legs. I've never seen an arc like that. Splat on the rug. We got out the tape measure from the changing pad to the spot.

Nine. Fucking. Feet.

Sure it was gross, but dude! Nine feet!

Unencumbered adults don't even know(!!) the delicious absurdity with a side of feces and urine that we parents are served up on a daily, nae hourly, basis.

Having your newborn hit you in the face with a gust of urine, mid-diaper change? Funny (in restrospect).

Having your newborn, mid-diaper change, hit themselves in the eye with a gust of urine and having the temerity to cry about it? Comedy gold!!
posted by echolalia67 at 8:38 PM on May 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

we were changing him and he had a mustard poop right when we were holding up his legs. I've never seen an arc like that. Splat on the rug. We got out the tape measure from the changing pad to the spot.

Nine. Fucking. Feet.

Sure it was gross, but dude! Nine feet!

I had a nephew who could do this with vomit. We still talk about the Christmas he hosed the entire dining room.
posted by orange swan at 8:59 PM on May 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Having your newborn, mid-diaper change, hit themselves in the eye with a gust of urine and having the temerity to cry about it? Comedy gold!!

It's been two years and my family still cracks up over the running commentary they heard over the baby monitor as I changed my son one afternoon a couple of months after he was born:

"Who's a good boy? You are! OK buddy, time for me to change your diaper! *rip* OK, here we go. Just let me grab a wipe and clean you up and you'll be all set. There we go. There we g- *splutter* STOP! STOP! MY FACE! STOP PEEING! SHIT! NO! OH SHIT THE TV! WAIT! DON'T! STOP! Holy mother of...." *cough* *spit* *spit* *retch* "Fucking hell."

"BAD BOY! BAD! DON'T PEE ON DADDY! DADDY'S MOUTH WAS OPEN! THAT'S NOT NICE!"

Hysterical laughter from my living room

And then... "Dude! He's not a puppy!"

Me: "DAMN IT! SHUT UP!"

I used to laugh at Bill Cosby routines. Now I'm living them. And worse.
posted by zarq at 9:12 PM on May 12, 2010 [11 favorites]

I found "The Naughty Nurse" on 8-track hidden among my parents recordings. I fucking ruined it. Yeah.
posted by lysistrata at 9:29 PM on May 12, 2010

what's funny is that we get them used to going in the diaper; it's a natural reflex to go when air hits them...then we have to retrain them to go outside of the diaper again
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:01 PM on May 12, 2010

This poem seems apt:

Crazy Jane Talks With The Bishop

I met the Bishop on the road
And much said he and I.
'Those breasts are flat and fallen now,
Those veins must soon be dry;
Live in a heavenly mansion,
Not in some foul sty.'

'Fair and foul are near of kin,
And fair needs foul,' I cried.
'My friends are gone, but that's a truth
Nor grave nor bed denied,
Learned in bodily lowliness
And in the heart's pride.

'A woman can be proud and stiff
When on love intent;
But Love has pitched his mansion in
The place of excrement;
For nothing can be sole or whole
That has not been rent.'

William Butler Yeats
posted by echolalia67 at 11:28 PM on May 12, 2010

My son thinks walls, tables, floors, doors, windows are all perfect surfaces for decoration of various kinds. He even figured out that he'd have to use a white crayon to get his drawings to really show up on the red dining room walls. So many pictures on that site could have come from my house. This is why I don't bother having nice things. Between the kids, the dog, and the cycling-shoe-wearing-on-the-hardwood-floors husband, there's no point.

But I bet if this site had been around when my brother and I were small, my dad would have submitted a picture of the two of us washing his Jeep - with gravel. And if it had existed in the early 1950s, my grandmother would have sent in a photo of the results the time my father (maybe 5) and his sister (3ish) decided to clean the kitchen floor with the garden hose.

Instead, we just tell the stories. This is just telling the stories in a different way (though I don't want to hear about ruined vaginas, bellies, etc - suck it up, folks).
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 11:32 PM on May 12, 2010

Lighten up mefites this is funny.

Is there anything less funny than being told what's funny?

-----

You know, it isn't that there can't be a shared understanding and appreciation for the fact that kids wreck things; because they do, and it can cause moments of amusement or frustration. It's that things like that should not be set up for public ridicule. Sharing stories in general is different than pictures of real, human little persons with feelings. Empathy isn't asking whether or not kids are aware of these things to have psychological issues; but asking if they were aware of these things, would it make them feel bad?

Yeah. My Mom recognized very early on that I was uncomfortable with her telling stories about me. She didn't do it, she still doesn't. Maybe that's a small thing in many people's book but I've long thought it one of the more loving things she did. I'm not saying that to "damn with faint praise"; she's pretty great. But for a number of us, being spared this is something to be grateful for. And there's also a big difference between sharing a story to empathize, and telling a story about someone else in front of them when they don't want it told. I wouldn't necessarily call it malicious or mean, but it is somewhat callous.
posted by BigSky at 12:28 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sure it was gross, but dude! Nine feet!

I don't remember if it was me or my brother (pretty sure it was my brother), but my parents still occasionally tell the story of how my dad was shat upon from across a room during a changing mishap. I'm 30 and my brother is 24.
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:36 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's a story they bring up only to us, though, to clarify. If nothing else, they're cool enough people to have more interesting things to talk about than "HEY DIDJA HEAR ABOUT THE TIME MY KID CRAPPED ON ME?" with their friends.
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:39 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

yaymukund that b3ta question of the week is awesome.
posted by handee at 4:34 AM on May 13, 2010

I broke (among other things) a hamster. Similarly, my dog broke a guinea pig. And ate it. I didn't eat the hamster.
posted by kalessin at 5:16 AM on May 13, 2010

Reminds me of an all-time favorite MF comment...
posted by Ella Fynoe at 6:08 AM on May 13, 2010

"Any marker more permanent than a whiteboard marker will be banned. "

FYI: White board markers are pretty well permanent on any thing that doesn't resemble the surface of a white board.
posted by Mitheral at 6:45 AM on May 13, 2010

I thought a lot of the images on that site were laugh out loud funny.

I have a 3 yr old and a 6 month old, and I sometimes think the Universe sent me children in order to make me convert to Buddhism: over the past 3.5 years, I have learned, slowly and painfully, not to be attached to material things. Clothing, automobiles, electronic gadgets, furniture, flooring, plumbing, valued books, photographs, food stuffs -- all of these can and will be utterly destroyed by your children. I no longer care. All I want are healthy, happy kids, and if i have to lose the occasional iPod or favorite shirt while raising them, it's more than worth it.

Thanks for sharing this site with us, ottereroticist.
posted by lord_wolf at 8:28 AM on May 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

That site is not only mean-spirited and bitter, but most of the pictures depict idiotic parenting, not kids ruining things.

This is why we can't have nice memes.
posted by drlith at 9:41 AM on May 13, 2010

This is why we can't have nice memes.

Now that's meta.
posted by The World Famous at 10:13 AM on May 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Having your newborn, mid-diaper change, hit themselves in the eye with a gust of urine and having the temerity to cry about it? Comedy gold!!

My son did this while the nurse was teaching me to change a diaper. His very first pee ever, only hours old.
posted by JonahBlack at 10:27 AM on May 13, 2010

Christ, people, it's just stuff.

"It's too bad there isn't a site "Shit My Parents Ruined" that is nothing but portraits of these kids."

How about "Shit My Parents' Generation Ruined," like the environment, the economy...
posted by Eideteker at 10:55 AM on May 13, 2010

How about "Shit My Parents' Generation Ruined," like the environment, the economy...

Yeah, because your generation is totally not ruining any of that.
posted by The World Famous at 10:58 AM on May 13, 2010

Holy shit! I can't believe anyone thinks this is mean-spirited.

Seriously. Baby Zizzle makes a huge mess of the living room. Every day. If we spend two hours putting books back on the shelves, toys back in the chest, vacuum, fold the throw blankets, put the couch pillows back on the couch, sweep and organize, he will then spend the one minute needed to destroy all that. I'm not kidding. I've nearly timed it before. It takes him about one minute to create a looks-like-a-bomb-went-off ambiance. I've tried and tried and tried and tried to keep that room clean. Dr.Enormous has tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to keep that room clean. Baby Zizzle is a hurricane, and we can't really be on him any more than we already are.

If we didn't have the ability to laugh about this, I'd have no choice but to cry.

I'm tempted to post pictures now to convey just what I mean.

(And if anyone wants to come over and try to get Baby Zizzle to leave all our shit alone and to follow rules, I'm open to laughing at your vain efforts.)
posted by zizzle at 12:44 PM on May 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I gotta say, all the "Well the parents should be paying more attention" comments just make me laugh and laugh, because here's the thing. Kids are smart, and observant, and you cannot keep your eyes on them 100% of the time. Even the best parents have to poop occasionally, or take care of another child, or perhaps even take a nap, particularly if Mom is pregnant. I've seen a child take advantage of Dad trying to scrub out a particularly heinous pot -- the 30 seconds of distraction is all that's needed for a 3 year old to scramble monkey-like up onto the counter, open the cupboard, and fling a 10-pound bag of flour onto the ground. And that's with the parent IN THE SAME ROOM.

Now imagine that Mom is nursing a 3-month-old in a growth spurt, or Dad had a bad burrito for lunch and keeps having to run to the toilet, or someone needs to pay the bills or pre-treat the laundry or cook dinner or do any one of a hundred basic life tasks. You can't have your eyes on your kid all the time, and they are fast, destructive little sons of bitches. Just a couple of weeks ago I came out of the bathroom after throwing up (morning sickness) and found my 3-year-old standing on the kitchen table, covered in Nutella, with both hands behind her back, saying "Mommy don't look at my hands it's nothing."

So yeah, "ruined" might be a bit of hyperbole, but it frequently really is a laugh or cry situation.
posted by KathrynT at 12:55 PM on May 13, 2010 [6 favorites]

Obligatory.
posted by zizzle at 1:02 PM on May 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

You can't have your eyes on your kid all the time, and they are fast, destructive little sons of bitches. Just a couple of weeks ago I came out of the bathroom after throwing up (morning sickness) and found my 3-year-old standing on the kitchen table, covered in Nutella, with both hands behind her back, saying "Mommy don't look at my hands it's nothing."

We're trying to train my daughter not to take her diaper off in the middle of the night.

The other morning I walked into my kids' room and announced "Good Morning! Did everyone sleep well?" I do this every morning. Usually, my kids (they're two) jump up and down and say hello. "DADDYDADDYDADDY! Good morning Daddy!"

This morning, only my son was doing the jumping.

My daughter was laying on her back in her crib, covered very neatly from neck to toe by her blanket. As I walked around her crib, she looked at me, gave me a big smile and casually said, "Hi Dad." Her pajamas were on the floor outside the crib at my feet. Her diaper was sitting in the corner of the crib, perfectly dry. And my daughter was doing her best "nonchalant toddler, just laying here, nothing to see under the blanket" routine.

Everything in the crib was soaked. Except the damned diaper.

This morning, her diaper was removed and sitting on the floor of their room. But this time, the crib and child were covered by what can only be described as a poopsplosion of horrifying magnitude.

And no, I didn't grab a camera.

I checked on her six times last night to make sure she was still clothed. The last time about 45 minutes before she woke up. It is simply impossible and impractical to try and keep an eye on them every single minute of the day. Shit happens. And sometimes, it happens everywhere. Even if you reinforce their diaper tabs with duct tape. :P

Clearly much of parenting is non-stop frustration at those little beings that you love too much to take that frustration out upon. So instead you share your stories.

QFT. I'm not bitter. Just tired.
posted by zarq at 1:30 PM on May 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

One close call:
Our 2-year old loves to help around the house. So one day she gets the idea that washing the floor would please Mom and Dad. She goes to find the mop in the closet. But the mop is big and heavy and stuck between heavy objects. She tries and tries, but cannot remove it. What can a 2-year old do?
1: find a stool.
2: go to the kitchen, pry open the safety gate.
3: climb on the stool, open the top drawer of one of the cupboards.
4: choose a big kitchen knife.
5: take the knife, get down from the stool, go back to the closet.
6: START SAWING THE MOP HANDLE WITH THE KNIFE SO THAT YOU CAN TAKE THE MOP OUT OF THE CLOSET.
At which point Mrs Elgilito heard some noise and arrived just in time before anything disastrous happened.
posted by elgilito at 5:15 PM on May 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

Even if you reinforce their diaper tabs with duct tape. :P

duct tape is pretty easy to remove, especially if it gets really soaked.

Strapping Tape on the other hand.....
posted by anastasiav at 5:22 PM on May 13, 2010

Apparently for the diaper-removing issue you wrap the duct tape completely around the child over the diaper so you get the benefit of duct tape's self-adhesive properties. I never had to do this but friends swear by it.

Also: duct-tape diaper suspenders!
posted by GuyZero at 5:27 PM on May 13, 2010

onsies that fasten in the front...put them on backwards.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 5:31 PM on May 13, 2010

Apparently for the diaper-removing issue you wrap the duct tape completely around the child over the diaper so you get the benefit of duct tape's self-adhesive properties.

All of a sudden, I'm thinking I could make a million by marketing special little jumpsuits with the sleeves attached in a manner not entirely unlike a straitjacket.

Only, they won't be straitjackets at all, but cuddly bubby huggy suits.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:17 PM on May 13, 2010

Ifds, that's what she wore last night. We're guessing she yanked at it until the snaps came undone. I even tried putting her in backwards overalls the other night. Didn't realize that Little Miss Houdini knew how to unsnap the legs completely. With them open like a skirt, she took off her diaper.

I'm open to suggestions!!
Tonight, I'm not even home from work yet, and I bet my wife taped the tabs again. :P. Will try to sneak in when I get home in an hour and wrap her in the tape.
posted by zarq at 6:41 PM on May 13, 2010

Anastasiav, I'll look up strapping tape when I'm not on my phone and have a real browser... No idea what it is.

Were you kidding? Because I'm planning on making an AskMe this evening, and if you're serious and it works, I won't need to! :)
posted by zarq at 7:05 PM on May 13, 2010

What about old school footie pajamas?
posted by sallybrown at 7:07 PM on May 13, 2010

Anastasiav, I'll look up strapping tape when I'm not on my phone and have a real browser... No idea what it is.

You buy it at the hardware store. It has fiberglass embedded lengthwise in the tape. Its basically impossible to cut or tear without scissors. So, you'd need scissors to get her out of it.

I don't know if I was kidding or not. I'd try the complete duct tape wrap first.
posted by anastasiav at 7:50 PM on May 13, 2010

UbuRoivas, regarding covering the air holes on that amplifier.... My boyfriend did this to mine as a grown man! I must now start the tumblr "shitmyboyfriendruined"
posted by dabitch at 4:21 AM on May 14, 2010

no wai!!!

men understand things like ventilation, don't we?

just when i was thinking of "shit my female housemates ruined through complete and utter ignorance of even the most basic engineering principles".

(ok, all i can think of is a hollow plastic mop handle, which was never built to hold a 15kg pinata...my tumblr blog might need to wait for more examples)
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:54 AM on May 14, 2010

If you get footies with a zipper, then you can safety pin the zipper to the fabric...but then you have a safety pin in there with her. Ouch. Hmmm.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 5:19 AM on May 14, 2010

Zarq, we used footie pajamas turned inside-out, with the zipper secured by a safety pin on the inside where she couldn't get at it. Worked beautifully.
posted by moira at 8:25 AM on May 14, 2010

ifds, sn9, Someone memailed me last night and suggested using a (plastic, of course) diaper pin on the outside to hold the zipper in place. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the manual dexterity / strength to open one. Famous last words, though. ;)
posted by zarq at 8:44 AM on May 14, 2010

moira, I'll try it. Thank you! And thank you too, sallybrown. Footie pajamas should work.....
posted by zarq at 8:52 AM on May 14, 2010

New York Times profiled the site yesterday.

Article
posted by fijiwriter at 1:55 PM on May 18, 2010