Join 3,551 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Don't mug someone in front of ninja school.
May 20, 2010 6:09 AM   Subscribe

The worst place to mug someone? Probably right in front of the ninja school.
posted by sugarfish (84 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
What horrible ninjas. Real ninjas are feared, but never seen.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 6:12 AM on May 20, 2010


The existence of Ninja Nathan Smith, complete with Aussie accent, is really fucking with my preconceptions.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:15 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Yeah, they didn't really do anything but looks scary. They didn't prevent the student from being assaulted nor did they catch the bad guys,

Ninjas make terrible police officers, their stealthy nature prevents them from being a conspicuous deterrent and their love for "SURPRISE WE'RE NINJA" style attacks allows the bad guys to escape. Bad Form Sydney, next time MONKEY SWAT TEAMS!!!!
posted by NiteMayr at 6:17 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


They also failed to notice a ninja, Nathan Smith, standing in the shadows outside the dojo.

Of course they didn't.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:18 AM on May 20, 2010 [16 favorites]


There are ninja schools?
posted by bondcliff at 6:24 AM on May 20, 2010


NINJAS FIGHT WITH THEIR MINDS!
posted by Artw at 6:27 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Ok, so the guy got beat up his stuff was still stolen, and the thiefs who were apparently untrained were still able to allude the "ninjas".......The Ninja turtles would have never let this happen...
posted by The1andonly at 6:28 AM on May 20, 2010 [8 favorites]


Well, yeah, but then they ran into Wolverine in the next alleyway...
posted by Artw at 6:29 AM on May 20, 2010


The ninjas gave chase, but the men escaped.

Oh come on.
posted by The Michael The at 6:29 AM on May 20, 2010 [12 favorites]


There are four ninjas hiding right here, on this very page.
posted by jonesor at 6:30 AM on May 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


Well, they're more or less LARP schools, but robbing someone in front of 30 people at a ren faire is a bad idea, too.
posted by ignignokt at 6:31 AM on May 20, 2010 [24 favorites]


Some ninjas. The guy still got beat up and robbed....
posted by rbenhase at 6:34 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


My favorite is still the guy who walked around two empty police cars in the parking lot and went into a gun store... to hold it up.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:35 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


There's a correction in the article. Should read:
"The ninjas gave chase, but the they escaped."
posted by herrdoktor at 6:37 AM on May 20, 2010


Apparently the first thing they teach you in ninja school is that if you are hiding in the shadows and witness a crime, run inside and tell everyone, omigod, guys, a real life fight!
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 6:39 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


These are some sorry ass fucking ninjas.
posted by fixedgear at 6:40 AM on May 20, 2010 [4 favorites]


ignignokt: "Well, they're more or less LARP schools, but robbing someone in front of 30 people at a ren faire is a bad idea, too."

Because it's hard to outrun a guy on a horse with a big fucking lance.
posted by bwg at 6:41 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Chuck Norris would not have allowed this to happen.
posted by mokeydraws at 6:42 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


When the student, who has asked not to be identified, turned down a dimly lit alley

Has this guy never seen a movie in his life?
posted by desjardins at 6:43 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


The worst place to mug someone?

I can imagine even worse places. The rifle range at Parris Island, for example.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:43 AM on May 20, 2010


Hmm, I need to move my fark link further away from my metafilter li... hey wait a minute...
posted by highwayman at 6:46 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Ninja spokeman on clip: "We're not here to hurt anyone" These ninjas are weak!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:49 AM on May 20, 2010


So no one else is concerned that the Ninja vs. Pirates meme has taken to the streets?

What's next, my cat actually inquiring if he may indulge himself in my food?
posted by Tavern at 6:49 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


To be fair, the teacher did use the "palm of death" on the robbers. They will die as soon as they realize this, probably after watching a ninja movie.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:51 AM on May 20, 2010 [5 favorites]


Ninja, please.
posted by norm at 6:52 AM on May 20, 2010 [12 favorites]


There are four ninjas hiding right here, on this very page.

Yeah, right, like they could hide from a trained observer like myself.
                                             ninja
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:56 AM on May 20, 2010 [13 favorites]


To be fair to the robbers, you never see the ninja school until it's too late.
posted by PlusDistance at 7:04 AM on May 20, 2010


I am a Ninja-American, and I am so tired of these LOLNINJA posts.
posted by Mister_A at 7:05 AM on May 20, 2010 [4 favorites]


> There are four ninjas hiding right here, on this very page.

Another good reason for a professional white background.MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!
posted by ardgedee at 7:07 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Nathan? I thought ninjas were called Tony.
posted by nthdegx at 7:13 AM on May 20, 2010


Next time I decide to mug someone in Australia, I'm going to dress up as the Tick.
posted by Shepherd at 7:17 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


I was hoping the "Ninja School" was a special training facility for Juggalos.

This story would have been very... different.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:19 AM on May 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


Please, let's do this properly. The plural of "ninja" is "ninja", not "ninjas".
posted by sotonohito at 7:20 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


忍者 忍者 忍者 忍者
posted by adamdschneider at 7:24 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Screw Chuck Norris, even Crocodile Dundee wouldn't let this happen. He's the real Australian ninja, brash and confident with a heart of gold.
posted by Nelson at 7:26 AM on May 20, 2010


Has this guy never seen a movie in his life?

Aw, now, be fair: who among us hasn't gone down to the basement wearing stiletto heels and carrying nothing but a spatula during a power and phone outage on a stormy night when there's an escaped homicidal maniac on the loose?
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:30 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Please, let's do this properly. The plural of "ninja" is "ninja", not "ninjas".

Surely it should be one ninja, two ninjæ.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:31 AM on May 20, 2010 [5 favorites]


(and of course if it's a dude, he must be a ninjus)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:32 AM on May 20, 2010


So these would be ninji then.
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:36 AM on May 20, 2010


Ah, ninja. Nothing like dressing in instantly-recognizable garb and using equipment and weapons that are totally distinctive from everything else being used in that era, and all of that so they can... blend in and spy?

Sigh, hollywood.
posted by splice at 7:42 AM on May 20, 2010


And the little ones would be ninnies.
posted by storybored at 7:43 AM on May 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


So these would be ninji then.

In English. In Hebrew, "ninjim."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:48 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm sure they assasinate enemies all the time. Would they tell the Sydney Morning Herald? I think not.
posted by longsleeves at 7:57 AM on May 20, 2010


I've seen the film* it's ninjas, it's cannon.

*well the first half hour or so until the people I was watching it with out-voted me on the motion that it was unwatchable rubbish... the fools.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:59 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Well, if we're talking about the ninjas' school, I think it would be ninjarum.
posted by Comrade_robot at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2010


忍者?

or possibly

忍者?

or even

忍者?


They're all over the place here.
posted by emmling at 8:01 AM on May 20, 2010


The crooks got away because they heard the first ninja screaming "Help me! Oh God, please help me!" as he ran inside.
posted by digsrus at 8:08 AM on May 20, 2010


I suspect that this story would have been exactly the same if it were five UPS guys in matching brown shorts. Except maybe you can run faster in shorts.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Every once in a while, when MeFI gets all fighty, I wonder why I still read it. Then you get a post about ninjas that turns into a discussion of Latin declensions. Man, I love this place.
posted by khaibit at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Go ninja! Go ninja! Go!
posted by blue_beetle at 8:15 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Son of the bitch! Isn't that good enough guys?!
posted by Flashman at 8:17 AM on May 20, 2010


ATTENTION PEOPLE OF EARTH!

SINCE BEING ELECTED GRAND PUBAH OF HUMANITY UNTO ETERNITY, I HAVE BEEN EMPOWERED TO PASS LAWS IMPACTING ALL OF MANKIND.

MY FIRST LAW IS AS FOLLOWS:
ALL LOCAL NEWS INTERVIEWS MUST FOREVER MORE BE FILMED WITH AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE DOING MARTIAL ARTS IN THE BACKGROUND. THE SUBJECT OF THE INTERVIEW CAN BE ANYTHING BUT THE MARTIAL ARTS ARE MANDATORY.

THAT IS ALL.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:21 AM on May 20, 2010 [9 favorites]


I'd say the "ninjas" contributed precisely the fact that they didn't look scared or run away, yes that usually requires training, fair enough. That said, we all wish that ninjas had kicked the shit out of the thugs then & there.
posted by jeffburdges at 8:45 AM on May 20, 2010


Since everyone knows that the purpose of ninja is to flip out and kill people, these ninja fail at ninja. I'm embarrassed for them, I really am.
posted by iconomy at 8:47 AM on May 20, 2010


I thought this was going to turn out like Sharky's Machine, where two ninjas beat a guy to death in about 2 seconds. "They broke him like a stick...they kung-fu'd him."
posted by kirkaracha at 8:49 AM on May 20, 2010


As for the ninjas, they were back in training last night.

A good choice. Because a real mugging thwarted by ninja would have read like "Three men were found dead in an alley last night. Police are unsure what happened, and have no suspects at this time."
posted by quin at 8:52 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


'You should have seen their faces when they saw us in ninja gear coming towards them,'' he said.

Indeed, Ninja Kaylan, indeed.
posted by electroboy at 9:31 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Yeah, deride the ninjas, but can you imagine how the perps are feeling right now? I can imagine the conversation in the jail cell:

"So, what're you in for?"

"Yeah, man, it was an easy score, a soft German med student right? So we got him in an alleyway, he's down, then FUCKING NINJA ATTACK!"

Yeah, that's gonna be one to tell the grandkids.
posted by lekvar at 9:32 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


忍者 忍者 忍者 忍者

椎茸 椎茸
posted by vorfeed at 9:57 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Not real ninja.

Ninja leave no survivors.
posted by asfuller at 10:05 AM on May 20, 2010


Well, they're more or less LARP schools, but robbing someone in front of 30 people at a ren faire is a bad idea, too.

Heh. I vaguely recall reading a story of the Hell's Angels meeting in a park in Berkeley when they saw a group of people from the Society of Creative Anachronism in their costumes, sparring with blunted weapons. So the Angels decided to beat up the SCA geeks.. and the SCA geeks kicked their asses.
Don't recall where I read that, I think it might be in Hunter Thompson's "Hells Angels" book.
posted by charlie don't surf at 10:22 AM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


This is how a real mugger-vs-ninja encounter goes:

- Mugger runs past a slightly overweight, middle-aged guy in a polo shirt and khakis reading a newspaper. Middle-aged guy seems not to notice.

- Mugger runs a few more steps, stops, looks down at his midsection in puzzlement, where a horizontal red line has appeared on his stomach.

- Top half of mugger slowly topples off the lower half, which remains standing for a few seconds, then topples in the other direction.

- Middle-aged guy folds up newspaper, stands up, doesn't seem to notice two halves of mugger corpse, walks away in other direction casually.

This PSA has been brought to you by NIN (the Ninja Information Network). The more you know! *starswoosh*
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:37 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Don't recall where I read that, I think it might be in Hunter Thompson's "Hells Angels" book.

I'm a pretty big fan and I've read the book many times, and no, no SCA.
posted by fixedgear at 10:52 AM on May 20, 2010


The ninjas gave chase, but the men "escaped". Police yesterday said they had made arrests in relation to the attack at several funerals held for the muggers loved ones, who had, strangely, had all dropped dead of apparent heart attacks on the same night in different locations.

I remember a story about a guy trying to car jack a van at a gas station. Apparently he didn't notice the "U.S. Olympic Judo Team" sign on the side of the van.
Comedy ensued.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:38 AM on May 20, 2010


Of course they let the muggers get away. It's not like they were pirates, or anything.
posted by jabberjaw at 11:59 AM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Three on one? Great odds for a mugging. Three against thirty? Run.
posted by P.o.B. at 12:12 PM on May 20, 2010


Looking for easier pickings the theives later decided to rob a man pushing a babycart.
posted by Artw at 12:24 PM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Don't recall where I read that, I think it might be in Hunter Thompson's "Hells Angels" book.

Neat story and all, but listed as an urban legend here, sadly.
posted by rokusan at 1:12 PM on May 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Chuck Norris would not have allowed this to happen.

Chuck Norris is hiding right here, on this very page.
posted by empatterson at 1:23 PM on May 20, 2010


This is a classic example of conservation of ninjitsu. One ninja could have stopped the mugging while calmly sipping tea, but a whole school of ninjas is just a bunch of dumb mooks.
posted by Humanzee at 1:41 PM on May 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


ninjas
posted by nthdegx at 2:47 PM on May 20, 2010


ninja ninjae
ninjam ninjas
ninjae ninjarum
ninjae ninjis
ninja ninjis
ninja ninjae

The ninjae declined to comment.
posted by Sparx at 2:48 PM on May 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


Chuck Norris is hiding right here, on this very page.

Chuck Norris negated every comment you've made so far, without having to actually comment himself.
posted by davejay at 3:33 PM on May 20, 2010


An an unspeakably cheesy TV show called 1000 Ways To Die relates the case of a mugger who chose to ply his trade outside of a boxing gym. Here's a video of the episode; fast forward to about the 5:55 mark. You'll have to contend with commercials.
posted by Clay201 at 5:54 PM on May 20, 2010


Neat story and all, but listed as an urban legend here, sadly.

That's not what the link says. It confirms the story, albeit not Hells Angels, with quotes from one of the bikers who got beat up by SCA people.
posted by charlie don't surf at 8:28 PM on May 20, 2010


The plural of "ninja" is "ninja."

Just like the plural of "typhoon" is "typhoon," the plural of "kindergarten" is "kindergärten," and the plural of "hospital" is "hospitaux."

For god's sake, I live in Japan and I speak the language, and even I know that "ninja" has become an English word of its own right. Do you still italicize it when you use it in text? No? Good. It conjugates like any other damn English word. It's sort of like how I wouldn't say 僕はAmerica人です in Japanese. Words enter languages and stop behaving like guests after a while.
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:11 PM on May 20, 2010


I mean geez.
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:12 PM on May 20, 2010


It conjugates like any other damn English word.

I ninja.
You ninja.
He, she, or it ninjas.
They ninja.

En espanol: ninjar. (irr) "To ninja."

Yo ninjoy.
Tu ninjas.
Ud., el, o ella ninja.
Vosotros ninjais.
Nosotros ninjamamamamamos.
Uds. ninjan.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:14 PM on May 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


See? Someone gets it!
posted by DoctorFedora at 11:28 PM on May 20, 2010


I ninja.
You ninja.
He, she, or it ninjas.
They ninja.


Is the first person plural hiding somewhere on this page?
posted by moody cow at 2:33 AM on May 21, 2010


In case you ever need to bust some secret spy assassin action in Québec, here's the conjugation of “ninjer” -- the French translation of the verb "to ninja," or to act in a generally ninjtastic manner.

Je ninje
Tu ninjes
Il/elle ninje
On ninje*

Nous ninjons
Vous ninjez
Ils/elles ninjent

If you have recently completed a ninja action, you need to use the passé composé tense:

J'ai ninjé
Tu as ninjé
Il/elle a ninjé
Nous avons ninjé
Vous avez ninjé
Ils ont ninjé

If you are describing yourself as a ninja, however, don't make this common mistake! Most English-language ninjas would self-describe by saying "I am ninja," but in the French, much like for the quality "hungry" or "finished", you use the verb avoir, to have, not the verb être, to be. A literal back-translation of "J'ai fini" would be "I have finished," but the phrase "Je suis fini," would back-translate as "I am finished" in the "I am dead" sense.

So j'ai ninja (I have the qualities and attributes of ninja) is a better gloss of "I am ninja" than the expected je suis ninja.

*"On" is not commonly used, especially in written French, but is acceptable spoken slang that kind of glosses between a traditional "we" and the idea of "one", like in the phrase "when confronted with muggers, one must ninja rapidly."
posted by Shepherd at 5:27 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]


No, still wrong. The noun form is "ninja", but the verb form is "cosplay". Example usage: "Ima go to the ninja dojo and cosplay for awhile, so don't mess with my GI Joes 'til I get back."
posted by Humanzee at 5:28 AM on May 21, 2010 [2 favorites]


Y'all are some dorks.
posted by electroboy at 6:15 AM on May 21, 2010


 
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 10:51 PM on May 21, 2010


« Older Swinging Away: How Cricket and Baseball Connect...  |  Lexicalist... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments