The human race has found its successor

May 23, 2010 1:06 PM

Extremely necessary SLYT about a bear! This is only the most incredible nature footage I have seen this decade. A bear at the Hiroshima Zoo.
posted by cloeburner (52 comments total)

Number One Threat to America? BEARS!
posted by misha at 1:09 PM on May 23, 2010

Is this the popular YouTube video thread? 'cause I like this one.
posted by leotrotsky at 1:10 PM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Is this a deleted scene from the Lost finale?
posted by phaedon at 1:11 PM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Dear AskMefi: Do I go with the off-color gay joke re: a bear playing expertly with a staff, or the obvious yet awful "Teenage Mutant Ninja Bear" radiation joke. Thanks, Griphus.
posted by griphus at 1:13 PM on May 23, 2010

if it's in a zoo is it really nature footage?
posted by twjordan at 1:13 PM on May 23, 2010

twjordan I am not being speciesist, I also refer to CCTV footage as nature footage.
posted by cloeburner at 1:15 PM on May 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

we're all dead
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:15 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is certainly entertaining. However, it gives one pause to think about the ethical implications of placing animals in zoos. This poor Kodiak bear certainly loses some of his dignity in being forced to play with a meager wooden rod. In the wild, free to exercise his natural strength and glory, he might juggle with legs torn from the bodies of human children.
posted by koeselitz at 1:15 PM on May 23, 2010 [26 favorites]

if it's in a zoo is it really nature footage?

Yeah, as long as they're using an all-natural bear. An artificial bear would be a different story, of course.
posted by dilettante at 1:16 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Rescued circus bear?
posted by Lukenlogs at 1:16 PM on May 23, 2010

It was good until that lady starting yapping away and wouldn't stop. I wonder what causes that. The same exact phenomenon occurred when Gizmo learned how to flush the toilet.
posted by jsavimbi at 1:18 PM on May 23, 2010

That is not your average bear!
posted by chillmost at 1:18 PM on May 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Do I go with the off-color gay joke re: a bear playing expertly with a staff, or the obvious yet awful "Teenage Mutant Ninja Bear" radiation joke.

Considering the way the video ends, I'd go with the former.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:19 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

An artificial bear would be a different story, of course.

It has to be an all-natural bear. The latest supplement to Sidney's Animal and Fowl Catalogue says there aren't any artificial bears on the open market right now.
posted by griphus at 1:21 PM on May 23, 2010

That bear is as good as I imagine I'd be with the staff; esp. the part when he repeatedly bonks his head. The only differenc is I'd be saying "Gonna lie down now.." at the end.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 1:22 PM on May 23, 2010

Master Po: Ha, ha, never assume because a man has no eyes he cannot see. Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Bear: I hear the water, I hear the birds, I hear the idiot tourists.
Master Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Young Bear: No.
Master Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Young Bear: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Master Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?
posted by netbros at 1:23 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Kung-fu bear ain't nuthin' to fuck with.
posted by felix betachat at 1:28 PM on May 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Smarter than your average bear!
posted by schmod at 1:31 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

The bear that wasn't...
posted by JoeXIII007 at 1:32 PM on May 23, 2010

I bet that bear would be taken out with one shark with a laser beam coming out of it's head. Whether being ridden by a pirate ninja or not.
posted by Balisong at 1:33 PM on May 23, 2010

The bear is obviously bored out of his damn mind. Looking further into this, he does it for hours. His enclosure is tiny, and he's an intelligent animal. He has to do something to not go insane. Or maybe he's already reached insanity.
posted by Malice at 1:34 PM on May 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

this bring the number of species to two that can contact juggle.
posted by oonh at 1:37 PM on May 23, 2010

I suppose it's better than walking back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth like I see so many animals doing in zoos. Bored humans also learn to juggle. I think it's probably easier with thumbs.
posted by hippybear at 1:55 PM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

STOKED ABOUT THE AWESOME BEAR STICK TWIRLING BECAUSE IT RULES.
CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I'M SERIOUS.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 2:02 PM on May 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

This is why I don't support any right to arm bears.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 2:02 PM on May 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

The tool-making crow freaks me out way more than the bear with a stick.
posted by dobbs at 2:04 PM on May 23, 2010

I suppose it's better than building a marble alley for his marble collection. Although, WOW, that would be pretty awesome, too.
posted by mosk at 2:06 PM on May 23, 2010

Looks like one too many fools tried to see if they could take out this bear with a knife.
posted by furiousthought at 2:09 PM on May 23, 2010

If someone were looking for signs that this isn't real (it very well could be real).. They would be drawn to the weird movements that are too synced to feel like this is a real bear, as if the video was played forward and then reversed in some areas. Play ~1:48 to see what I mean. The camera movements also feel too jittery and synced with the motion for someone holding this. Just saying. My CG sense is tingling.
posted by hanoixan at 2:13 PM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Unedited Footage(NOT FAKE!)

Exclamation point and all caps, SOLD!
posted by JeNeSaisQuoi at 2:14 PM on May 23, 2010

dobbs: "The tool-making crow freaks me out way more than the bear with a stick."

So, how do you feel about tigers?.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:19 PM on May 23, 2010

I for one, welcome our ninja-bear overlords.
posted by New England Cultist at 2:24 PM on May 23, 2010

As the woman said: Sugoooooiii.
posted by Gordafarin at 2:25 PM on May 23, 2010

The tool-making crow freaks me out way more than the bear with a stick.

I guess this isn't the right time to tell you about the teenaged female chimps hunting adorable bush babies with spears, then eating them, right? National Geographic excerpt on YouTube.)
posted by maudlin at 2:29 PM on May 23, 2010

I'm with Malice. I saw that and thought, "That is one bored bear."
posted by ambrosia at 2:29 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

It was good until that lady starting yapping away and wouldn't stop. I wonder what causes that.

Something tells me that if you witnessed, first hand, a fucking bear crushing the shit out of a bo staff Donatello style you'd make some noise too.
posted by nathancaswell at 2:32 PM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

It was good until that lady starting yapping away and wouldn't stop. I wonder what causes that.

Having the sound turned on.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:33 PM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

This is not awesome. This is tragic. This is what happens when animals are bored to death in zoos. Regardless of how you feel about keeping animals in captivity for the amusement and/or education of schoolchildren, reputable zoos develop species-specific enrichment programs to challenge and engage animals, precisely to avoid this kind of neurotic behaviour.

While it may be amusing for the tourists, it's a really bad sign for the bear.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:49 PM on May 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

When I was a kid I could bite my own toenails, now I am 39 and I can neither bite my toenails nor do kung fu stick twirling. I've wasted my life.
posted by biffa at 3:06 PM on May 23, 2010

I, kung fu bear, am here to clear you scum out of this village. Now hang on one second because before we fight I have to lick my crotch and CHEW ON MY FUCKING FOOT JESUS CHRIST I HATE THAT FOOT SO MUCH.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:14 PM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

That Charlie's a cheeky little monkey, isn't he?
posted by i_have_a_computer at 3:14 PM on May 23, 2010

"While it may be amusing for the tourists, it's a really bad sign for the bear."


Could be that Asiatic Brown Bears do this in the wild, and we've just never seen it. This one just ruined the secret for all of them.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 3:19 PM on May 23, 2010

Previously.
posted by homunculus at 3:24 PM on May 23, 2010

Great. They're training an army of bears on staff fighting techniques. Add the flying monkeys and we've got a real problem.

No matter...we'll just have to teach the otters spear-fu to compensate.
posted by darkstar at 3:26 PM on May 23, 2010

And someone ought to mash up a Star Wars Kid take on this bear, complete with laser blasts and everything.
posted by darkstar at 3:28 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Big deal, but anyone can twirl a staff. Now show me a bear than can wield nunchuks without whacking itself in the head at least once and I'll be impressed.
posted by tommasz at 3:35 PM on May 23, 2010

Young Bear: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Master Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

Projected answer: Because attention is a finite resource, and people must prioritize in order to make their way in the world. Noting the presence of a grasshopper is good if you have nothing else to think about. If you do have other things to think about, then noticing a grasshopper is a needless distraction.

Actual answer: GRRAWRF! (claw swipe)
posted by JHarris at 3:46 PM on May 23, 2010

It's amazing how that thing grew thumbs and a zipper in the span of a camera pan.
posted by gjc at 4:00 PM on May 23, 2010

LOLJapan our new bear overlords?
posted by rikschell at 4:02 PM on May 23, 2010

I call bullshit. some movements seem too perfect and good and, as someone else noted, the camera jitter seems awfully even. I just don't think this is real and I wouldn't be surprised to find out this was some kind of astroturfing by a shop aping droga5.
posted by krautland at 4:12 PM on May 23, 2010

adult Kodiaks (aka Grizzly) are 4-6x larger than Asiatics and thus would likely be twirling around a telephone pole instead of a tree stake.

I will pay money, AMERICAN CASH MONEY, to whosoever can successfully train bears to toss cabers competitively.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:24 PM on May 23, 2010

I'm not afraid of this bear. Because he will come against me and he will get out his stick and he will say "ho! haha! guard! turn! parry! dodge! spin! ha! thrust!" and then I will poke out my finger and he will go into the river.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:29 PM on May 23, 2010 [3 favorites]