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You will never again in your life see something this epic, so you may as well pluck your eyes out with a spork right now.
June 1, 2010 9:23 AM   Subscribe

Wil Wheaton/John Scalzi Fan Fiction Contest to Benefit the Lupus Alliance of America. Metafilter's own jscalzi and Wil Wheaton want you to explain what's going on in this awesome picture.

(title shamelessly stolen from, and via)
posted by kmz (51 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
Looks like a Friday night around here.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:26 AM on June 1, 2010


.......you can't make me.
posted by The Whelk at 9:29 AM on June 1, 2010


The thing that is going on in that picture is the most awesome thing that has ever gone on, or will ever go on. OMFG.
posted by Mister_A at 9:30 AM on June 1, 2010


nah. that's ceiling cat after a couple of rounds of steroids. he's picked up the clown of science fiction--wesley crusher--and is using him as some kind of clown turret to do battle with the ogre below. but the ogre doesn't really care. he's just interested in how many hits his weblog got after posting that naked picture of farah fawcett.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 9:30 AM on June 1, 2010


What a coincidence, I just got that tattooed on my back, with a matching airbrush job on the hood of my Buick, except my version has lightning in those clouds and lazers from the cat eyes. Yeah, I pushed it to 11.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:30 AM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


KITTEH HAZ LUPUS? OH NOES!
posted by ecurtz at 9:31 AM on June 1, 2010


So, when they say "fan fic" it doesn't have any more particular meaning than it can't be written by a professional fictionist, is that correct? I mean, it doesn't have to be set in some existing universe or whatever?
posted by Mister_A at 9:35 AM on June 1, 2010


Existing fictional universe I mean.
posted by Mister_A at 9:35 AM on June 1, 2010


what is this I don't even
posted by GuyZero at 9:36 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Man and I just noticed that the cat has hooves on the back, and now I'm picturing it trying to walk through deep snow, with its big paws in front doing fine and its back legs sinking into the snow and it's so tragic I... I... OH GOD
posted by shakespeherian at 9:36 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


"In the INFAMOUS clown sweater."

The clown sweater story is pretty awesome. :)
posted by zarq at 9:36 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


But... but... it's NEVER Lupus, right?
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:36 AM on June 1, 2010 [5 favorites]


What, Shrek got his ears fixed?
posted by HuronBob at 9:37 AM on June 1, 2010


That is a truly awesome image and, since someone I love is battling Lupus, I am definitely going to take a stab at this. Oh, and the clown sweater story is great.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:40 AM on June 1, 2010


The rule prohibiting slash fiction eliminated a LOT of potential for awesomeosity and/or trainwreckitude.

Sad, really.
posted by tzikeh at 9:45 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Behind the scenes at Lost Season 7

(you're welcome future winner)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:46 AM on June 1, 2010


The rule prohibiting slash fiction eliminated a LOT of potential for awesomeosity and/or trainwreckitude.

You know, folks could just write one here in the comments. :D
posted by zarq at 9:47 AM on June 1, 2010


Chapter One: Call me Wesley.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 9:49 AM on June 1, 2010


Flying unicorn dragon cat, spear, clown sweater...shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.
posted by jquinby at 9:50 AM on June 1, 2010 [5 favorites]


You know, folks could just write one here in the comments.

JOHN: HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE FUCKING CAT?
WIL: I HAVE BROUGHT THE FUCKING CAT.
JOHN: TIME TO FUCK THEN.
CAT: [meows]
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:55 AM on June 1, 2010 [13 favorites]


Don't we see something this epic like monthly on the internets? Betty White in a metal bikini wielding a flaming chainsaw while riding a John Ritter centaur comes to mind.

I think the formula is [famous person] + [famous person] + [mythical creature] + [crazy weapons] + [background volcanoes].
posted by 23skidoo at 9:57 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Okay, two people that I've shared that with have asked if it will be available for sale as a print. Anyone know if it will be? Might be a good fundraiser...
posted by hippybear at 10:00 AM on June 1, 2010


With all due respect, the Betty White picture is nowhere this level of awesome. Ness. Itude.
posted by Mister_A at 10:05 AM on June 1, 2010


The Flying Unikitty's name is Auspice.
posted by The Whelk at 10:10 AM on June 1, 2010


Scalzorc doesn't get a mount, and Wheaton gets the greatest mount ever conceived. Unfair!
posted by Mister_A at 10:10 AM on June 1, 2010


I dunno, I think this was kind of begging for it. Like a Damian Hirst diamond skull, it's either naively encouraging its target response, or satirizing its target response implicitly; either way, it seems overdesigned.

Woulda been better if it was a sunny day.
posted by Fraxas at 10:13 AM on June 1, 2010


Huh. I vote for "alternate universe Stephen King's drug meltdown induced final scene of The Dark Tower". Hey, Roland gets to FLY HE-MAN'S CAT and wear a Pennywise t-shirt, I could go for it.
posted by Iosephus at 10:30 AM on June 1, 2010


Right click save as "c:\desktops\wheatonscalzi.jpg"

All's I know is that it ends with Patrick Stewart ushering both of them into Heaven. Where he's used his psionic powers to make the BVM's clothes fall off.

Scalzorc doesn't get a mount, and Wheaton gets the greatest mount ever conceived. Unfair!

Obviously Scalzorc is riding on the top of Shai-Hulud.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:36 AM on June 1, 2010


PegaUniKitteh vs the Orc.
posted by twidget at 10:38 AM on June 1, 2010


Lupus really made my mom miserable, and probably contributed to her death by weakening her immune system. And may be in my genetic cards, too. So I say kill it with fire, and if that fire comes from a unikittygryphon, all the better.
posted by emjaybee at 10:39 AM on June 1, 2010


Shai-Hulud is pretty bad-ass, but I was thinking more of a three-headed dragon with three three-toed paws, each toe in the shape of a tiny three-headed dragon and so on...

I would call him "King Quadraticus."
posted by Mister_A at 10:41 AM on June 1, 2010


The rule prohibiting slash fiction eliminated a LOT of potential for awesomeosity and/or trainwreckitude.

He updated his post to say that by slash he meant no explicit sex of any type. You are free to make Scalzi and Wesley as gay as you want them to be.

Also, Scalzi needs to spend some time with fandom dictionary. He clearly has no idea what fanfic and slash mean in general parlance. On the other hand, technically, he is correct since the stories he's soliciting will be Real Person Fic, most likely AU RPF.
posted by nooneyouknow at 11:10 AM on June 1, 2010


Okay, let's just write this Exquisite Corpse style.

I'll start:

In the dim recesses of the Temple of Bonzo, Will approached the altar. The grotesque idiot grin of the god of death leered at him from the wall carving. Will carried in his hand a small leather bag, and in the bag, an offering.

"I see that you've finally come to pay your debt."

Will turned to face the white-robed priest.

"I have," he said. He tossed the bag at the priest. "I hope my meager offering will suffice."

The priest caught the bag, and emptied it into his hand. The dull clink of coins echoed in the chamber.

"No, it doesn't." The priest didn't return the money, however. "Blood must be repaid by blood."

"Has my family not paid enough in blood already?"

"Bonzo's thirst is never slaked, my son. But he thirsts not for your blood." He walked forward past Will towards the altar. "Follow me and I'll explain." Will followed dutifully. The priest grabbed a torch from the wall behind the altar. "Please, lift that hatch for me," he said, gesturing at the floor behind the altar. "I'm an old man, my joints can't take the exertion."

Will crouched behind the altar and lifted the wooden hatch on the floor. With a groan it opened, revealing a stone stair case descending into the darkness. Will thought he could make out a sickly green light emanating from the bottom. He could hear an animal's menacing growl.

"What's down there?" Will asked.

"Your steed, my son." The priest walked confidently into the darkness. Will paused a moment to steel himself, and followed....

(okay, someone else feel free to take it from here...)
posted by empath at 11:15 AM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


No, Potomic Avenue, you get no credit. I already thought of it as an episode of "After-Lost: Hurley's Fantasy Island". (And the winged unikitty is the guy who runs the Cheezburger blogs under a magic spell... still working on a way to work mathowie into the mix)
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:16 AM on June 1, 2010


He updated his post to say that by slash he meant no explicit sex of any type.

Damn, there goes the "Wil magically transforms into a girl" loophole.
posted by ymgve at 11:39 AM on June 1, 2010


Pfft. You have Wil Wheaton riding ferocious pussy. You don't need "explicit" anything.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:51 AM on June 1, 2010


Despite a passing resemblance to Danny Manning (Kansas U 1988), that green person is actually from the giant, or normal size, branch of Yoda's family.
posted by Cranberry at 12:09 PM on June 1, 2010


Cranberry, much do we know here about the size of Yoda's family. Hmm-hmmm, much indeed!
posted by Mister_A at 12:37 PM on June 1, 2010


Shai-Hulud is pretty bad-ass, but I was thinking more of a three-headed dragon with three three-toed paws, each toe in the shape of a tiny three-headed dragon and so on...

I meant to say that Scalzorc is riding an UBER-Shai-Hulud, which is a sandworm where each segment of the sandworm is itself a full-size Shai-Hulud biting its own bum Ouroboros-style and when it barks sandworms shoot out of its mouth and it poops rainbows -- DEADLY rainbows.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:37 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


What's going on is someone got into the locked drug bin again.
posted by rough ashlar at 1:24 PM on June 1, 2010


I was somewhat disappointed that the Unicorn Pegasus Kitten didn't have a strip of tasty bacon taped to it.
posted by Bluecoat93 at 2:01 PM on June 1, 2010


The rider is clearly riding the hybrid of He-Man's Battle-cat (a cat, obviously) and She-Ra's Swiftwind (a pegasus unicorn). Which means the rider is clearly the lovechild of He-Man and She-Ra, and thus a fruit of incest. This inbreeding explains his taste in sweaters.
posted by qvantamon at 2:07 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


So that's what a unigriffipegacorn looks like.
posted by chairface at 2:57 PM on June 1, 2010


So that's what a unigriffipegacorn looks like.

No, a unigriffipegacorn is a pegasus stuffed into a griffin stuffed into a unicorn. Also, it has a corm.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:44 PM on June 1, 2010


Hey, they're both left handed! Even the cat is too given the direction of its dive.
posted by mono blanco at 4:48 PM on June 1, 2010


explain what's going on in this awesome picture.

My dreams, coming true?

This one I call "Kittens Coming Home to Roost".

Be thankful they didn't decide to illustrate the one I call "Every Clown Has A Silver Lining"…
posted by Pinback at 5:23 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]



Man and I just noticed that the cat has hooves on the back, and now I'm picturing it trying to walk through deep snow, with its big paws in front doing fine and its back legs sinking into the snow and it's so tragic I... I... OH GOD


That's not nearly as tragic as the vision I have of it trying to use the litter box.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:29 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Duh. everyone knows that's Chimera-Basement cat. The rest? The rest is irrelevant.
posted by New England Cultist at 7:30 PM on June 1, 2010


Never realized how much Wil Wheaton looks like Mack from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...
killer Kitcornasus.
posted by aloiv2 at 9:17 PM on June 1, 2010


I wish I could buy that sweater for my mom. She has a history of love for appalling sweaters (generally the light-up Christmas variety) so last Christmas I got her a really hideous one as a joke. She loved it.
posted by ukdanae at 10:27 PM on June 1, 2010


I think the formula is [famous person] + [famous person] + [mythical creature] + [crazy weapons] + [background volcanoes].

That should probably be [fire-based background].

I'm told there is another formula for humor that exists in which people take an anecdotal observation and derive a pattern from it. Often boiling something down to its basic ingredients causes a connection to form in the audience's brain, which spark's laughter. We see that happen every twenty seconds on this portion of the internet.

Also you are totally right.
posted by edbles at 12:16 PM on June 2, 2010


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