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Monsters I Have Known.
June 2, 2010 8:25 AM   Subscribe

Impressions of D&D Monsters: Laughing Squid helps you penetrate the pencils/dice barrier in order to fully experience the horror of the Gelatinous Cube. (SLYT)
posted by darth_tedious (62 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite

 
So. If you see crazed dude on the street screaming psuedo animal sounds, cast Fireball and run, right?
posted by yeloson at 8:32 AM on June 2, 2010


Careful, crazy dudes tend to have really high DEX modifiers and tend to multi-class as Rogues.
posted by griphus at 8:34 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


dual-class.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:37 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]


No, no, the "insane" prestige class allows them to level in as many classes as they wish, although they take progressively higher and permanent minuses to CHA with each.
posted by griphus at 8:40 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


I love this guy. Anyway, I'm old-school; humans are not allowed to dual-class in my campaign. And yon dude is no half-elf, lemme tell ya.
posted by Mister_A at 8:41 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


He's from Chad Vader isn't he? (google google... yes, looks like it)

Although a genius he got Owlbear wrong... and it gives me the opportunity to repeat one of my very first mefi comments:

Me, grizzled old player (at 14 or so): My thief will listen at the door
Neophyte DM: You hear 'hooooo! hooooo!'
Me: Owlbear, let's leave it.
DM: What! That's not fair!

Of course I'd practically memorised the Monster Manual by that point. Happy days.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 8:51 AM on June 2, 2010


And yon dude is no half-elf, lemme tell ya.

Pffft. And you call yourself old school? Fighting-Man, Magic-User, or Cleric only, son.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:58 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Of course I'd practically memorised the Monster Manual by that point.

Oooh, you would have done super well on the game we started playing on Memorial Day! One of us would flip to a random page and read the description of the monster and the others would either have to guess what it was or come up with a suggested name for it. If you were right you got a point, and if both people were wrong whomever came up with a better suggested name got a point. It was awesome but then again, we'd had a fair amount of beer by then.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:58 AM on June 2, 2010


(But then again, for all my posturing, I must admit a fondness for 4e. I hang my head.)
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:59 AM on June 2, 2010


*plucks one of the dead grey Ioun stones from those in orbit around his head* Everyone line up behind me. I'm afraid robocop is bleeding may be one of them.

Stonin' in June, roll high soon.
posted by adipocere at 9:05 AM on June 2, 2010


Damn that is old school! Fighting-man!
posted by Mister_A at 9:15 AM on June 2, 2010


He had me at "standard bugbear, or chieftain?"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:16 AM on June 2, 2010 [7 favorites]


Pffft. And you call yourself old school? Fighting-Man, Magic-User, or Cleric only, son.

That only applies to PCs, I'm thinking crazed dude making crazy sounds would be a berserker.

He didn't do Mindflayer, I sad.
posted by yeloson at 9:16 AM on June 2, 2010


Ioun stones! I still don't know how to pronounce them.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:21 AM on June 2, 2010


I'm afraid robocop is bleeding may be one of them.

Jjjooooiinnnn ussss.... Listen to the Penny Arcade sessions.... Play a Warlord.... It'sss blliissssssss.....
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:21 AM on June 2, 2010


The sight of the guys at the table starting at the sound of the Groaning Spirit was almost enough to make me overlook that some of the art was not 1st edition. Almost.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:32 AM on June 2, 2010


psssshhhhhh beholders dont sound like that FAAAAKE
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:34 AM on June 2, 2010


I would've had him do Doppelganger. Although his invisible stalker was good.
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:39 AM on June 2, 2010


"We're doing first edition..."

Um... I thought the first edition sets I played were all small paperbacks, and it wasn't until AD&D was released that the hardcover books were released.

C'mon geeks. If you're doing D&D, then use the basic set. If you're doing AD&D, then SAY SO!
posted by hippybear at 9:47 AM on June 2, 2010


The Fighting-Man, by Dire Steppenwolf

You know I've fought a lot of classes,
Oh Lolth! I've got a lot of kills.
But I've never touch-attacked nothin'
My spirit wrack couldn't kill.
You know I've seen a lot of PCs wind-walking around
With 3E in their eyes,
But the Fighting-Man don't care
He's just got a million hit dice.
Lolth damn! the Fighting-Man.

You know the pally, the pally is a man,
With a Holy Avenger in his hand,
But the fighter is a monster,
He's got almost no class requirements.
The pally, if he been good,
Gonna smite you down to your knees,
Ah... but the fighter will ruin your body
And go smash your phylactery.
Lolth damn! the Fighting-Man.

Well Lolth, when I'm overlord of this land,
I'd send all half-orcs against the Fighting-Man.
I'd imprison him if he stands, disintegrate him if he run,
And I'd kill him with libram, and my staff and my wand,
Lolth damn! aaaw the Fighter
Looolth damn, the Fighter.
I said Lolth damn, Lolth damn! the Fighting-Man.
posted by fleacircus at 9:52 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Every commenter in this thread failed his or her saving throw against "nerd" a long time ago ;)
posted by Mister_A at 9:52 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


I admit to giggling at the gelatinous cube impression.
posted by immlass at 9:53 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


A pity he didn't attempt an Ixitxachitl (evil clerical manta-rays)... in fact I'd have been impressed if he'd just tried to pronounce 'Ixitxachitl'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:54 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Every commenter in this thread failed his or her saving throw against "nerd" a long time ago ;)

I rolled a 1.
posted by never used baby shoes at 10:14 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


damn you fearfulsymmetry, now I'm tempted to get ixitxachitl.com and use that as my email domain.
posted by aspo at 10:14 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


And he doesn't know what a neo-otyugh is? Pshaw.
posted by fleacircus at 10:17 AM on June 2, 2010


I got as far as "groaning spirit versus shrieker" and my dog, who had been sleeping peacefully under my desk, got up, looked at me balefully, and ambled into the next room.
posted by ook at 10:17 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Ioun stones! I still don't know how to pronounce them.
posted by Pope Guilty


The bonuses are nice, but the slow descent into madness that having a small object orbit your head causes? In the least, you've got a serious penalty to your concentration checks.
posted by haveanicesummer at 10:26 AM on June 2, 2010


I rolled a 1.

Critical Failures a house rule in 3.5, right?
posted by griphus at 10:30 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


ladies, I don't see a ring on that.
posted by boo_radley at 10:32 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


I rolled a 1.

Which, as far as this nerd is concerned, is a critical win!
posted by munchingzombie at 10:42 AM on June 2, 2010


Fucking Ioun stones, how do they work?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 10:46 AM on June 2, 2010 [7 favorites]


Durn Bronzefist: "Fucking Ioun stones, how do they work?"

And I don't wanna talk to an elementalist
muthafuckas lyin, gettin me pissed
posted by idiopath at 11:06 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]


Critical Failures a house rule in 3.5, right?

As noted in the online 3.5 SRD, a roll of a 1 on an attack roll is always a miss, and roll of 1 as a savings throw always fails. Taking that a step further into the 'CRITICAL failure' can fall into the domain of house rules - confirming a critical miss on an attack to see if there are additional penalties for blowing the roll that badly, for example. We've recently started playing with a Critical Hit and Critical Fumble deck - succeeding well or failing badly can now have rather interesting (but well balanced) effects, and it's definitely made combats more dramatic.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:12 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


/neerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd
posted by FatherDagon at 11:12 AM on June 2, 2010


I'm imagining the ideal Juggalo rpg is somewhere between Rifts and Shadowrun. Or perhaps they should get their own WW game - "Juggalo: The Nut Hatcheting" etc.

I've just lost 1D6 SAN. Thanks internet.
posted by yeloson at 11:15 AM on June 2, 2010


Wow, I am totally passing that Critical Fumble deck onto our DM. We've been playing with Fumble house rules too, but they were less random and more at the discretion of the GM (and almost always "your spell fizzles"/"you drop your weapon, which has gotten old.)
posted by griphus at 11:21 AM on June 2, 2010


fools, encase the map Then put it in the cube...
posted by clavdivs at 11:40 AM on June 2, 2010


I always thought the gelatinous cube was an awesome, awesome dungeon monster. The description, the illustration, perfect. Like jello, but so, so deadly. Rogue opens door. Hey looks good! Steps inside.. WOOPSIE! Saving throw versus digestion. 10x10 corridor, beat that!
posted by cavalier at 12:08 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Yeah great, so now I want to write a Juggalo rpg...

('To see if you know how magnets fucking work roll against INT-5')
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2010


Cool! Will definitely check out the hit/fumble decks... We've been playing with 1 always misses, and a second d20roll of 1-5 makes it a critical fumble.

Once upon a time I played in a Rolemaster campaign. Rolemaster is really big on critical hit charts; I seem to recall the 'krush chart' being the awesomest. By the fourth session or so, after having our asses handed to us by just about everything we met, our poor fighter had lost his hearing in one ear, a kidney, and the proper use of his left hand. These problems were all permanent, because we didn't have access to the right healing magic. For you see, Rolemaster has different spell tracks for each of the body's major systems: there's healing magic for blood loss, fixing broken bones, repairing or replacing damaged organs, and, yes, some magic for restoring hit points, too. I think we could do hit points and broken bones (on a good day) and were pretty much up a creek for all of the myriad other kinds of damage we were almost certain to eventually take.

Morale of the story: If the goblins also have access to the Krush Chart, you're better off running the fuck away.
posted by kaibutsu at 12:15 PM on June 2, 2010


Custom modern-culture rpgs/campaigns are awesome. I am still fantasizing about a Mouse Guard/Pulp Fiction adventure. Ferret, motherfucker, do you speak it?!
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:16 PM on June 2, 2010


I shoot the gazebo with my bow.
posted by Justinian at 12:22 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Morale of the story: If the goblins also have access to the Krush Chart, you're better off running the fuck away.

I loved Rolemaster. I hate complicated rules, but Rolemaster's ridculousness was so over the top, that it moved into genius.
posted by khaibit at 12:31 PM on June 2, 2010


For you see, Rolemaster has different spell tracks for each of the body's major systems..

For the love of Crom... I remember trying to play Rulemaster once. ONCE. We gave up around the time that we realized it was easier to become a goddamn world-class surgeon than it was to magically heal a cut you got from an orc. That, and the weirdass windshear effects chart for determining the range and accuracy variance on your ranged weapons (there were other charts for rain and snow as I recall), and god only knows what else... I think we decided it would be simpler to resolve combats and the aftermath by just going in the back yard and trying to beat each other senseless, and whoever was still standing at the end, DM or Player, got to decide what system we'd play in next because FUCK Rulemaster.
posted by FatherDagon at 12:35 PM on June 2, 2010


Fond, fond affection for Rolemaster.

At least, the character creation aspect. We never got past it. (it was good, though)
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:37 PM on June 2, 2010


I'm imagining the ideal Juggalo rpg is somewhere between Rifts and Shadowrun. Or perhaps they should get their own WW game - "Juggalo: The Nut Hatcheting" etc.
posted by yeloson


This is a shameless repost of a previous comment of mine--

Insane Clown: The Juggaling Character Sheet--

Attributes:
Balls ______OOOOO Neden-draw _ OOOOO Peepin' ____ OOOOO
Flow ______OOOOO Ninja _______ OOOOO Brainz _____ OOOOO
Fuck-time _ OOOOO Facepaint ___OOOOO Faygosity __ OOOOO

Find all this and more in The World of Darkcarnivalness, coming soon from Three White Wolf Moon.
posted by haveanicesummer at 12:43 PM on June 2, 2010 [11 favorites]


Nice.

*pins character sheet to fridge with Ioun stone*
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:47 PM on June 2, 2010


I always thought the gelatinous cube was an awesome, awesome dungeon monster. The description, the illustration, perfect. Like jello, but so, so deadly. Rogue opens door. Hey looks good! Steps inside.. WOOPSIE! Saving throw versus digestion. 10x10 corridor, beat that!

As mefi's own lore reminds us, this creature is genetically adapted to graph paper.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:51 PM on June 2, 2010


I always thought the gelatinous cube was an awesome, awesome dungeon monster.

My buddy pointed out one fact that made me totally love the gelatinous cube: Three tons of acidic mass coming your way.

I ran an adventure where gelatinous cubes were set loose. In a library.

"Save vs. Reflex or take 3D6 crushing damage from the bookcase and be pinned prone until you make a Str 15 DC check."

Let me tell you, the players knew fear that day.
posted by yeloson at 1:38 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Ioun stones? I prefer Congenio's pebbles.
posted by moonbiter at 1:57 PM on June 2, 2010


I'm typing this on the Machine of Lum the Mad.
posted by Mister_A at 2:11 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


fearfulsymmetry: "Icks-a-ticks-a-chittle".

This came from a gentleman I knew in college who was from Mexico and spoke fluent Nahuatl.
posted by mephron at 3:01 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


"We're doing first edition..."

Um... I thought the first edition sets I played were all small paperbacks, and it wasn't until AD&D was released that the hardcover books were released.

C'mon geeks. If you're doing D&D, then use the basic set. If you're doing AD&D, then SAY SO!


First edition normally means AD&D so it makes sense in light of 2nd, 3e and 4e. People (and by 'people' I mean 'massive, massive nerds') refer to 0ed for the booklets and BECMI, Mentzer basic, Moldvay basic, blah de fucking blah.

There's, like, a whole taxonomy man.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:10 PM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


I'm typing this on the Machine of Lum the Mad.

I'm typing using my Hand of Vecna. My other hand is busy with my Wand of Orcus.
posted by never used baby shoes at 3:15 PM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]


Rolemaster's superbly Byzantine complexity only really came into effect in the character creation system. 60 skills, something like 30 percentile rolls for stats when creating a character (three lots of ten, pick the best), then three percentile rolls to see how each stat related to its potential... insane. You had to do algebra to work out your skill bonuses.

The combat and manoeuvre system, by contrast, was incredibly simple and elegant. Take your bonus. Add any modifiers, which came from a brief list (stunned -20, attacking from behind +15 etc) then roll percentile. If your number is in the top or bottom five percent, keep rolling and adding (or subtracting). Look it up on the right table. Maybe roll a critical (hee hee). That's it.

My favourite system ever took White Wolf's World of Darkness (from 1-10 dots for every skill) and used Rolemaster combat - so if you have 7 dots in blade fighting you have a 70 attack bonus. Worked beautifully, and created incredibly dynamic fights and stunts with moments of sheer glorious insanity commonplace.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:25 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


"Icks-a-ticks-a-chittle".

This came from a gentleman I knew in college who was from Mexico and spoke fluent Nahuatl.


Okay, I’m not saying he wasn't and didn’t... but if you pronounce it as a Nahuatl word, “Ixitxachitl” would be [i.ʃit.ˈʃa.ʧitɬ], which is pretty phonologically tame, so he was presumably screwing with you.
posted by einzelsprachlich at 3:54 PM on June 2, 2010


"The ixitxachitl (pronounced icks- it-ZACH-it-ul) are an intelligent race of evil manta rays." -Monstrous Compendium vol.2 "Ray"
posted by khaibit at 4:23 PM on June 2, 2010


yeloson - ...imagining the ideal Juggalo rpg is somewhere between Rifts and Shadowrun...

You should really try HōL the wikipedia article doesn't do the "system" justice, especially with a good gm.
posted by porpoise at 11:50 PM on June 2, 2010


Rolemaster's superbly Byzantine complexity only really came into effect in the character creation system.

Ah Rulesmonster, I totally agree. That's why I wrote a program in Pascal to auto generate holy shit, in 1993 I wrote , a wizard to generate and print out characters, with House and companion rules/classes/skills. The mechanics of actually playing the game was really flexible.

The combat is great, but tedious, tedious wankery.
posted by porpoise at 12:01 AM on June 3, 2010


I wish my DM had those comedy skills.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 12:08 AM on June 3, 2010


You should really try HōL the wikipedia article doesn't do the "system" justice, especially with a good gm.

Ah, yes. Any game with a wound chart that lets you know how much things hurt, including, "Ripping your toenail on a brick" has got that special sauce for sure.

Perhaps the Juggalo game would be a modern version of the mini-LARP in Buttery Wholesomeness : "Freebase: Roleplaying in the World of Reality"

"Are you a player too?"
posted by yeloson at 7:55 AM on June 3, 2010


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