A short imagined monologue from Comic Sans

June 15, 2010 10:13 AM

I'M COMIC SANS, ASSHOLE
posted by The Devil Tesla (142 comments total)

I don't think Comic Sans is that bad thereIsaidit.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:15 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Oh, this is gonna be fun to watch.

*looks for popcorn*
posted by valkyryn at 10:16 AM on June 15, 2010

That's exactly the aggressive attitude I'd expect from a hateful font like Comic Sans.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 10:19 AM on June 15, 2010 [6 favorites]

Never realized before that Comic Sans was such a jerk.

Signed

All the better fonts.
posted by bearwife at 10:20 AM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

Why so much hate for the CS when curlz is a Justin Beiber lovin' tween's wet dream?

Barf.
posted by stormpooper at 10:21 AM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

If only we could leave the previous thread OPEN FOREVER.
posted by GuyZero at 10:21 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's hard to take jokes about formatting seriously from McSweeney's.
posted by DU at 10:22 AM on June 15, 2010 [21 favorites]

I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

Heeeee

awesome.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:22 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Man, it goes for both the Godwinesque font striking points right away: CS -and- Helvetica.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 10:22 AM on June 15, 2010

animated gif with sparkles
posted by iconomy at 10:22 AM on June 15, 2010

Guys, come quick! I found the son of a bitch who invented Comic Sans!
posted by kaseijin at 10:22 AM on June 15, 2010 [17 favorites]

I know the shit you've been saying behind my back.

While I am not generally in the business of replying to fictional characters, much less fictional depictions of incarnated fonts, I must inform you, Comic Sans, that, contrary to your statement, we have been saying it to your face, sir.
posted by griphus at 10:22 AM on June 15, 2010 [22 favorites]

I agree valkyryn. I find it a bit baffling how many people on MetaFilter get worked up about this or that font. I guess its because to me they all look pretty similar, they all look like letters of the alphabet to me.

More to the point that link was hilarious. I do enjoy McSweeney's site quite a bit.
posted by Sargas at 10:26 AM on June 15, 2010

"sans serif Superman" is a fantastic bit of alliteration. But I'm a bit sad the monologue wasn't in Comic Sans itself.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:27 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

But I'm a bit sad the monologue wasn't in Comic Sans itself.

It is now (RTF).
posted by The Devil Tesla at 10:33 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry, Mr. Sans (not you, Horatio). Wanna smoke some cigarettes out by the track tomorrow?
posted by cmoj at 10:35 AM on June 15, 2010

It's not a font, it's a typeface.

You either get to be a fan of Comic Sans, or a typography nerd. If you choose the latter, learn the language.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:37 AM on June 15, 2010 [6 favorites]

I know McSweeney's is really attached to their format, but would it really have killed them to use Comic Sans for the whole thing. I think it would have made it much funnier.

Or at least this part:

I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

Yes, I realize that this was called out previously, but I copied it already, thinking I might but it on a t-shirt.

From American Apparel.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:38 AM on June 15, 2010 [4 favorites]

God, McNamara, preview
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:39 AM on June 15, 2010

This article is full of much win and epic.
posted by Damn That Television at 10:39 AM on June 15, 2010

Yeah, well, Helvetica is overused! There, I said it. You can't just slap it everywhere to get a bit of design cred anymore, like so much typographic duct-tape.
posted by hellojed at 10:40 AM on June 15, 2010

Oh hey, a McSweeneys post. Because no one on Metafilter knows about that website.
posted by Caduceus at 10:40 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm torn between being snobby about typography and being snobby about McSweeney's!
posted by shakespeherian at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2010 [21 favorites]

You either get to be a fan of Comic Sans, or a typography nerd. If you choose the latter, learn the language.

This is never going to fit on a magnetic ribbon.
posted by griphus at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

To my ear, it sounds as if Comic Sans also may have penned the social history of Stouffer's Toasted Subs that showed up here briefly yesterday.
posted by notyou at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

notyou, you don't have to read the FPP aloud.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:43 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

You either get to be a fan of Comic Sans, or a typography nerd. If you choose the latter, learn the language.

Comic Sans only WISHES typography nerds would give it that kind of respect.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 10:44 AM on June 15, 2010

It seems disrespectful to call Comic Sans a typeface. I mean, will anyone ever lovingly compose a block of Comic Sans letters in cold hard type? Will it ever know the tight hug of the furniture, the gentle caress of the ink rollers, the thrill of the press? Let's not remind it of everything it can never have.

Somehow, in my mind, I can only call them typefaces if they have a history that comes before the advent of the computer font.
posted by redsparkler at 10:45 AM on June 15, 2010 [12 favorites]

So you are so much of a typography nerd that you invent rules for typography that don't relate to the actual use of language, but, instead, on upping the ante of snobbishness?

I must say, I am impressed. My hat is off to you.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:47 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Astro Zombie, it's called a chapeau. You can either love baldness or be a fan of headgear.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:49 AM on June 15, 2010 [22 favorites]

Mocking comic sans has jumped the shark.

Although, as long as people continue to use comic sans to connote fun and wackiness I guess it will always have its place.
posted by cell divide at 10:51 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

That's it. Fisticuffs.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:51 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I hate it when I arrive late to a thread and all the poses are taken.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:51 AM on June 15, 2010 [14 favorites]

I'm in your signs. I'm in your browsers. I'm in your instant messengers. I'm not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.
posted by infini at 10:52 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

That's it. Fisticuffs.

FWIW, I've already killed Jippers.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:53 AM on June 15, 2010

SO WHAT YOU'RE DOING, SEE, IS YOU'RE TELLING ME
YOU DON'T THINK THE SIMPSONS ARE COOL ANYMORE
AND I'M LIKE SOME SORT OF BAD REMINDER OF THE PAST

OR IN THIS CASE YOUR PAST

WELL FUCK YOU
AT ONE POINT IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE
I WAS THERE FOR YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE
JUST LIKE THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER
AND THE SWINGING MAILBOX WERE

DONT THINK I DIDNT NOTICE
HOW YOU TREATED THEM

IF THIS IS ALL THE THANKS IM GONNA GET
MAYBE YOU SHOULD WALK OFF A DAMN CLIFF
posted by Smart Dalek at 10:56 AM on June 15, 2010

Sweet fucking jesus, don't even get me started on Papyrus. Now that's a ill-used bundle of typographic clusterfuckery if even I've seen it.
posted by hydatius at 10:57 AM on June 15, 2010 [6 favorites]

Shakespeherian, it's called androgenic alopecia. You can either wallow in trichological ignorance, or consult wikipedia.
posted by unSane at 10:57 AM on June 15, 2010 [5 favorites]

Sweet fucking jesus, don't even get me started on Papyrus. Now that's a ill-used bundle of typographic clusterfuckery if even I've seen it.

My friend dragged me to see Avatar and was like 'No, I know it's stupid but it's really pretty!' and then as soon as the first subtitle popped up I glared at her and she was like 'I'M SO SORRY'
posted by shakespeherian at 10:58 AM on June 15, 2010 [36 favorites]

[limbic me]: why don't all self-appointed typography 'nerds' just fuck off and leave typography to those who actually do something with it? I used it no more than a week ago for the cover of a dvd of cartoons for 3-6 years old. Sue me.

[cortical me]: comic sans is a nice 'specialty' typeface in and of itself. The fact is so wildly misused should get you hipsters off your fixed bikes and thinking. And Vince Connare is a good designer, so STFU.

Loved the piece, by the way.
posted by _dario at 11:00 AM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

My favourite typeface is still Penis Bold Extended.


posted by Artful Codger at 11:01 AM on June 15, 2010 [6 favorites]

Here's his daddy.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:02 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

When I saw that Avatar used Papyrus, I immediately thought, wow, they really know their target audience: Fans of Fireflyand people who read the computer-printed announcements pinned to bulletin boards at the back of New Age bookstores.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:07 AM on June 15, 2010 [8 favorites]

Hey! Snobbishness would imply a class issue at play; I'm just talkin' about history. I'm sure there are some old timey typefaces that were hated during their time, too. Like, every newspaper man in 1890 rolled his eyes when somebody requested the log cabin style letters on his playbill.

I'm definitely not that much of a typography nerd, and I still have a lot of learning to do about constructing letters and stuff.

I understand why people use Comic Sans, and it's not because they're bad or stupid people. I also understand why type folks get all twisted up about it, but, you know, we all have our daily burdens to bear.
posted by redsparkler at 11:07 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Smart Dalek, that's from Marat/Sade, right?
posted by Beardman at 11:08 AM on June 15, 2010

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Papyrus isn't actively evil, it's just really, really overused.

Terrible choice for the subtitles in Avatar, though. They should have gone with a font that doesn't draw attention to itself, but failing that, they could have looked to inspirations a little more exotic than the yoga studio down the street, the Thai restaurant kitty-corner across from it and the piano lessons flyer taped to the light post outside. Unless the intended message was that James Cameron really digs Firefly.
posted by arto at 11:12 AM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

it's called a chapeau. You can either love baldness or be a fan of headgearhaberdashery.


FTFY.
posted by darkstar at 11:13 AM on June 15, 2010 [4 favorites]

why you gotta post so fast astro zombie that aint cool at all man
posted by arto at 11:14 AM on June 15, 2010

You know what it would be interesting to see overused? Eurostile.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:16 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sorry the entire world can't all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I'm standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

I lol'd.

Sending this to the type nerds in Production at work tomorrow am, yessir.
posted by Happy Dave at 11:18 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Now I'm imagining Avatar with Comic Sans subtitles. Thanks, metafilter.
posted by fings at 11:20 AM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

YOU LIKE A BABY!
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:21 AM on June 15, 2010

Enough of this bullshit. I'm gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.

Sorry dude - Papyus done runnoft with Remedy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:29 AM on June 15, 2010

I am not allowed in this thread because I still unironically dislike Comic Sans, and have disliked it since before it was cool to ironically dislike it. I'm confused, and I think I might need a walker and a black turtleneck.
posted by Mizu at 11:32 AM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

pick a bad photo, apply a vintage effect and write something in helvetica.
posted by brundlefly at 11:33 AM on June 15, 2010 [25 favorites]

It seems disrespectful to call Comic Sans a typeface. I mean, will anyone ever lovingly compose a block of Comic Sans letters in cold hard type? Will it ever know the tight hug of the furniture, the gentle caress of the ink rollers, the thrill of the press? Let's not remind it of everything it can never have.

I wonder how much a Genuine, letterpress, Comic Sans Gutenberg Bible would cost.

This sounds like a job for those enterprising folks on Etsy.
posted by artlung at 11:37 AM on June 15, 2010 [9 favorites]

Italian may be classified as a variety of antique. It is a fat-faced roman with transposed stem and hair-line. "To be hated, it needs but to be seen."
- Theodore Low De Vinne, The practice of typography: a treatise on the processes of type-making, the point system, the names, sizes, styles and prices of plain printing types. 1900

posted by benzenedream at 11:47 AM on June 15, 2010

You should have linked to that quote in the book, benzenedream, if for no other reason than it includes what is now my favorite typography footnote. Seriously. Go read it now. It will make your day.

Also, I fear that my type and typography-related compulsion is becoming a bit of a social problem for me. I cued up The Tick TV series on Netflix streaming the other day and from the instant the first credit showed up on screen, all my friends turned to me to see what explosion was coming.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 12:00 PM on June 15, 2010

"To be hated, it needs but to be seen."

Ha! Type people have been overly dramatic for centuries, now! That phrase is from Alexander Pope, in regards to evil and vice, and was also used by Frederic Douglass to refer to the evils of slavery. But, of course, the guy writing the book on type has to co-opt it to discuss the awfulness of a "fat-faced roman with transposed stem and hair-line."

"First, they came for the fat-faced romans..."
posted by redsparkler at 12:00 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Bah. Link fail. Again.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 12:01 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

>I wonder how much a Genuine, letterpress, Comic Sans Gutenberg Bible would cost.
You could whip that out, randomly open it and point it at a designer. They would shriek and hiss like a vampire and shirk off into their minimalist office. Must do this at work.
posted by msbutah at 12:02 PM on June 15, 2010 [8 favorites]

At first, it was kind of cute to bag on Comic Sans, sort of a h1pst3r thing to do, but then that one guy who always walked around with his teeth grinding and his fists clenched, you know the guy, the one that when you ask him how it's goin', he's all like "It's going fine, just fine, why do you ask, do I not look fine, is that your problem, is that your damage, what the hell is going on with you, huh, how you like them apples?", and even if you're across the street from him you're still backing away from him, well, now he's got ahold of your little snarky meme and he ain't letting it go.

An unstoppable half-hour rant at the staff meeting with the "Please clean up after yourself, thanks!" sign from the breakroom crumpled in his fist. Emails that are fully 46% exclamation points. Some joker printed out one of those emails in CS (you can't even say the words now, anywhere) and put in his mailbox and then all the mailboxes are squeezed into a single trash can and the next day there's a hole in the parking lot. Whatever he used to make it with, you don't want to think about him having.

I hope that you're happy with the monster that you created, snarkers.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:07 PM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

Type snobs are like wine snobs. At first glance, to the outsider, they appear to be insufferably precious, pretentious assholes. But as you drink more wine, after a while the White Zinfandel that used to taste perfectly good starts to taste overly sweet. You begin to seek out more complex wines, and eventually you realize that, wow, your palate has become a little more refined! The snobbery becomes more comprehensible as you become increasingly attuned to subtle distinctions.

Ultimately you come to realize that, while those wine snobs are in fact insufferably precious, pretentious assholes, they're not completely full of shit.

Please note: In this analogy, White Zinfandel = Comic Sans, and type snobs = insufferable assholes.
posted by Pants McCracky at 12:11 PM on June 15, 2010 [11 favorites]

[cortical me]: comic sans is a nice 'specialty' typeface in and of itself. The fact is so wildly misused should get you hipsters off your fixed bikes and thinking.

That made so little sense my brain automatically re-set it in Comic Sans.
posted by defenestration at 12:12 PM on June 15, 2010

Comic Sans: A short documentary inspired by the film "Helvetica"
posted by xod at 12:13 PM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

Yes, I realize that this was called out previously, but I copied it already, thinking I might but it on a t-shirt.

I want this shirt.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:15 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:40 PM on June 15, 2010

Perfect timing! At a presentation on text and graphics in educ. media design today, I was trying to explain to someone the near-universal hatred of Comic Sans on the 'tubes, so this provides a lovely alternative viewpoint.
posted by FelliniBlank at 12:57 PM on June 15, 2010

Lol, wut?
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 1:20 PM on June 15, 2010

Proportional fonts all look alike to mey.

I'm not sure why we ever let you liberal arts
majors on our internet anyway.

:wq

posted by bonecrusher at 2:14 PM on June 15, 2010 [18 favorites]

Oh, hating Comic Sans. That's no concern for people who spend their time arranging type in the physical world. Give me lead, or better yet, give me brass. Comic Sans is only the bane of people who use computers.

Oh, wait.

Crap.
posted by clockbound at 2:16 PM on June 15, 2010

So much hate, this is why I set all my design projects in Silian Rail.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:19 PM on June 15, 2010

So much hate, this is why I set all my design projects in Silian Rail.

Just look at it!
posted by GuyZero at 2:22 PM on June 15, 2010 [16 favorites]

it's called a chapeau. You can either love baldness or be a fan of headgearhaberdashery.

FTFY.

Look, sorry, I know I'm late here, but in this snark I think you mean millinery.
posted by wilberforce at 2:23 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure everyone jumping to point out an even nerdier way to say my joke about people trying to be as nerdy as possible are... what's the word?... jejune.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:26 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm not a huge fan of it, and I wouldn't want to receive emails/memos in it, but I use it all the time for making ESL worksheets. It's incredibly easy to read, and it looks like very, very basic handwriting, or, you know, what the students writing would look like if they took some time to practice.

Hearing people complain about comic sans, and about how it's awful and uncool, it feels like being rebuked by a 7 year old for not knowing which Pokemon characters are cool.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:39 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

This thread is woefully incomplete without a mention of garius's story about the King of Comic Sans, probably the best post in metafilter history. It's enough to make you like the font.
posted by cirripede at 2:44 PM on June 15, 2010 [4 favorites]

The easiest way to reduce the use of CS is simple: Get rid of Outlook. 95% of the time I see that damned font is when it shows up in my inbox, in a message sent from some poor sap using Outlook.

I think I hate Outlook more than I hate CS.
posted by caution live frogs at 2:45 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

You know what it would be interesting to see overused? Eurostile.
Insert nostalgia for when Eurostyle was the official font of MetroMedia Television (Channel 11 in L.A., 5 in N.Y. and a bunch of others before Fox bought them out) when it dominated the ads in TV Guide. Add nostalgia for Peignot (the Mary Tyler Moore/Movie of the Week font).

I have written before of my love for Bookman, especially the Bookman Swash (which I am using even today, unironically, thank you, Veer!)

The hate toward Comic Sans and Papyrus is even overshadowing the Infamous Garfield Font, Cooper Black. And Revue. And Blippo (aka Bahamas or Bauhaus). And Hobo (the I Hate Hobo blog is not so hot)

My prediction of the next font to suffer overexposure/backlash is Blambot's Bada Boom, the current default sound effect/emphatic headline typeface of the entire Comics world.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:47 PM on June 15, 2010

This thread is woefully incomplete without a mention of garius's story about the King of Comic Sans, probably the best post in metafilter history. It's enough to make you like the font.

It sure made me love his mom. Am I the only one who wondered whether she didn't let them see the pamphlet before she died because she wanted to spring it on him as a joke and thought it would be more fun that way?
posted by not that girl at 2:59 PM on June 15, 2010

feh! I don't know what these fancy schmancy "fonts" are. In my day, we used TYPE. Lead type, at that. We kept fifteen interns in the cellar nibbling at blocks of RAW LEAD. After three years, if you were good, you were allowed to carve the serifs WITH YOUR FINGERNAILS! On sundays, we would throw them a block of pearwood, so they could make the poster sized woodblocks!

You say lead is toxic? ASK THEM if they ever needed any fillings! And printing presses? HA! Real Men used to PUNCH the type so hard against the paper with their bare hands that we hardly ever used any INK!

Kids nowadays only care about getting high on that stuff in the spraycans and -oooh!- using these "acetate" films! FILMS! What'd ya think, we're in Holly-effing-wood, kid? These things make we want to OFFSET your teeth SO. HARD.
posted by _dario at 3:02 PM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

You know what it would be interesting to see overused? Eurostile.

It is, at least in Canada. I had never noticed it before about 2006, when I went to go work for a company whose official font (though not for our wordmark) was Eurostile.

Fast forward 18 months and that shit is everywhere. And now? Rarely a day goes by that I don't see a new use of it. Getting boring, frankly; I don't think it's a Font For The Ages.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:03 PM on June 15, 2010

This thread is woefully incomplete without a mention of garius's story about the King of Comic Sans, probably the best post in metafilter history. It's enough to make you like the font.

I had never read that before. And now if you will excuse me, I've got something in my eye.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:08 PM on June 15, 2010

There's something different about this thread. I can't quite put my finger on it....
posted by zarq at 3:15 PM on June 15, 2010

What.
The.
Font.
MATT!!
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:18 PM on June 15, 2010 [5 favorites]

whoever did this, it's absofuckinglutely brilliant.
posted by _dario at 3:18 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

My mother-in-law sets the default font on her computer and her Blackberry to Comic Sans, I shit you not.
posted by kyleg at 3:20 PM on June 15, 2010

Next MeFi feature: option to set the font of your post to Comic Sans.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 3:21 PM on June 15, 2010

Oh man, I'm no longer a special snowflake.
posted by GuyZero at 3:23 PM on June 15, 2010

whoever did this, it's absofuckinglutely brilliant.

MeTa ;)
posted by zarq at 3:28 PM on June 15, 2010

Wheeeee!!!! It's like getting drunk and screwing your ex.
posted by Kinbote at 3:31 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

This thread is so much funnier when read in comic sans. It probably says something about me that I've been sitting here giggling maniacally at it.
posted by stoneweaver at 3:33 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

You people all seem way more juvenile than you did 20 minutes ago. And that's saying something.
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:34 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Whoever did this, you're breaking all the rules!
posted by mazola at 3:34 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

I once got laid by complaining about Papyrus to a cute art school student. That is the only time I have ever benefited from font knowledge.
posted by nestor_makhno at 3:41 PM on June 15, 2010 [5 favorites]

THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, PEOPLE
posted by brundlefly at 3:42 PM on June 15, 2010

Oh man, I'm no longer a special snowflake.

If it makes you feel better, your post is a lot better than mine :p.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 3:46 PM on June 15, 2010

Okay so now that pb did this.... We get to see the speech in Comic Sans (YAY plagiarism!!) also pretend the speech has a moustache so we don't get sued:

Listen up. I know the shit you've been saying behind my back. You think I'm stupid. You think I'm immature. You think I'm a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I'm Comic Sans, and I'm the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.

You don't like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don't like that I'm all over your sister-in-law's blog? You don't like that I'm on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I'm pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don't all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can't all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I'm standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

People love me. Why? Because I'm fun. I'm the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business' website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.

When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I'm banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I'm shredding Reign In Blood on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I'm racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who'll kill me if I don't cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

It doesn't even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I'm famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I'm in your signs. I'm in your browsers. I'm in your instant messengers. I'm not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.

Enough of this bullshit. I'm gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.
posted by edbles at 3:47 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: Sorry I'm standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest.
posted by StephenF at 3:50 PM on June 15, 2010

I'll have you know I am misusing the power of HTML semantic markup purely to escape this fonty childishness. Look on my works, ye mighty, and weep.

posted by arto at 3:51 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

Seeing the monologue in Comic Sans makes it a lot less angry, and a lot more like a stocky little dude with an attitude. Imposing, but mostly amusing. Yeah, I'll talk about you behind your back, because if I said it to your face, I'd be uncomfortable. The veins pop out of your neck, and I wonder if you're breathing enough. So instead, I'll say:

"Hey bro, it was all a joke, right? You look thirsty .... FOR ICE! Boo-yah!"
posted by filthy light thief at 4:07 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Mods=Gods
posted by Trochanter at 4:17 PM on June 15, 2010

Seeing the monologue in Comic Sans makes it a lot less angry, and a lot more like a stocky little dude with an attitude. Imposing, but mostly amusing.

Comic Sans is the Joe Pesci of fonts.
posted by cortex at 4:21 PM on June 15, 2010 [3 favorites]

Is it a funny font? You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but it's funny how, I mean funny like it's a clown, it amuses you? It makes you laugh, it's here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How is it funny?
posted by GuyZero at 4:33 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Wait. I don't remember SNL doing a poorly thought out sketch where Comic Sans brutalizes Helvetica with a baseball bat repeatedly? When did that air? Is it on the Hulu?
posted by edbles at 4:46 PM on June 15, 2010

Perhaps College Humor?
posted by filthy light thief at 4:52 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

No. You can't make me.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:01 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

PLEASE CLEAN YOUR OWN TABLES AND
"CLOSE" THE MICROWAVE WHEN YOUR DONE WITH IT
THANKS ;-)
posted by yhbc at 5:53 PM on June 15, 2010 [19 favorites]

BLINKY BLINKY BLINKY
posted by not_on_display at 6:13 PM on June 15, 2010

I'm pretty sure that turning this thread to Comic Sans increased the number of comments it will get by a factor of AWESOME.
posted by maqsarian at 6:31 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

MEETING AGENDA

1. Successes!

2. Announcements

3. Item of Minimal Importance in Which Manager Asks for Our Opinions, and Then Disregards Them and Does Whatever Idiotic Thing He Was Originally Planning

4. Item of Actual Consequence to Our Work Which Is Postponed Indefinitely Because the Discussion of Item 3 Took the Whole Meeting

5. Other

It's just like being at work!
posted by jeoc at 6:41 PM on June 15, 2010 [4 favorites]

I will not Xerox my butt
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not Xerox my butt
posted by kirkaracha at 6:42 PM on June 15, 2010

THANKS ;-)

THANK'S ;^)
posted by maxwelton at 6:53 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

I wonder what reading is like for people who use quote marks for emphasis like yhbc did above. Do they understand dialogue, or do they puzzle about as to why the author emphasized seemingly endless stuff?
posted by maxwelton at 6:58 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

These and other such questions have been pondered at some length by the curator of the Gallery of "Misused" Quotation Marks.

Also, who ever took my Diet coke that was in the refrigerator
"PLEASE" return it, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!
P.s. You are a cowardly theif
posted by cirripede at 7:47 PM on June 15, 2010

JOKEWOOD ROCKS
posted by Rhaomi at 8:22 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

I do not see this thread in Comic Sans. I have refreshed, ctrl-refreshed, shift-refreshed, logged out and still cannot see it. It's like my computer knows better than I do what's good for me.

Off to sign up at Singularity U.
posted by flabdablet at 8:42 PM on June 15, 2010

YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

posted by Halloween Jack at 8:51 PM on June 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

The one that kills me is when people underline the space before and after the word for emphasis. They do it _like this_ and it grinds my gears. STOP THAT.
posted by darkstar at 8:55 PM on June 15, 2010

Man. This is hilarious, but completely reinforces my negative opinion of Comic Sans. It's just friggin unreadable.
posted by rifflesby at 9:11 PM on June 15, 2010

PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL FIX MY CSS
posted by Spatch at 9:18 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

shakespeherian: I had my typographic cherry popped at Avatar. I was sitting with my Movie Goggles on, thinking to myself, "I look like a Zone Dweebie with these things sitting over my glasses. And the 3D makes me feel like I'm stoned. The trees look a little too tree-like. The tall blue people look a little bit too... tall and blue. And the subtitles look like they're written in Papyrus. WEIRD."

And THAT was the first time I recognized a typeface. And it was Papyrus. In Avatar. God, I'm cheap.
posted by Vavuzi at 9:28 PM on June 15, 2010

Changing the stylesheet to set all fonts to Comic Sans ranks somewhere between rickrolling and "Bros Icing Bros"
posted by schmod at 9:38 PM on June 15, 2010

The one that kills me is when people underline the space before and after the word for emphasis. They do it _like this_ and it grinds my gears. STOP THAT.

This is a /hold-over/ from the _good_old_days_ before all this HTML-in-e-mail *nonsense*.
posted by Dr Dracator at 10:30 PM on June 15, 2010 [2 favorites]

Poor Melinda Gates. Two hundred years from now, long after the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has dissolved and is a distant memory, we'll still have Comic Sans.
posted by killdevil at 11:11 PM on June 15, 2010

I d̴on͡'t ̕ge̢t ̶i͟t.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:35 AM on June 16, 2010

I know neither this Comic Sans nor this 'love' of which you speak.
posted by zippy at 3:01 AM on June 16, 2010

C̵͍͈̣̣̞̙̜̲̐̀̽ͅO̾ͦͪ̃͗ͥ̏͋̋́҉̦̦M̧̟̜͎͇̫̩̦̎̂͊ͮ̏ͬI̞̼̲̽ͬͣ̇ͦ̅̄ͧC̨̙̟̝̹̰͋̀̔̋͛͗ͦ̂̀̕ ̹̖͙͈̈́ͥ̉͢͟S̨̳ͭ̑̀̂̿ͦĄ͎̹͚̺̲͈̪̋̆N̾̋͏̯̞̲̦͕̰̱͜S̯͔̯̤̱͎̾ͫ
̥͕̖̪͕̜ͥ̀̑͂̆̃͂H̸̖̜ͧ͊̐̏ͬ͋̚̕Ē̛̗̪̳͔̣̭̭̋̿̽ ͛̄̚҉͚̳͖̫̯̜̱̞̻̕̕C̣͓͔̱͔͚ͧ̽̎͐̇̇̽O͍̩̲̘̟̓̽ͨ̀͟͠M͖͕͙͚͉͉͙̒ͪE̥̙̖̖͊͛ͣͦ̊͌̊͐̀ͅS̴̬̝̝͖̥̲ͫ̒͑͢ͅ
posted by shakespeherian at 5:22 AM on June 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

*twitch* *twitch*

I need coffee. Now.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 6:08 AM on June 16, 2010

Metafilter: typographic clusterfuckery

I'd wear the teeshirt.
posted by theora55 at 7:02 AM on June 16, 2010

nooooooooooooooooo i shouldn't have clicked through from recent activity. how could you do this?

*looks around a bit after she calms down and lights up*

hmm, can we keep it this way?
posted by infini at 7:03 AM on June 16, 2010

By popular request, the McSweeny's post is now in Comic Sans.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:29 AM on June 16, 2010

The man who invented Comic Sans: "I hate Comic Sans." ^* (link goes to 10MB PDF)

* when it's misused.
posted by zippy at 12:49 PM on June 16, 2010

Hah! Awesome Astro Zombie. What's the typography equivalent of eponymous?

Possibly epotypous or epofontous?
posted by artlung at 1:13 PM on June 16, 2010

Epotypefacetious.
posted by zippy at 3:59 PM on June 16, 2010

Hey! That font I really loved and tried to copy in 6th grade was Hobo!

Thanks oneswellfoop :)
posted by rubah at 5:52 PM on June 16, 2010

In the light of the previous discussion of comic sans, here's a guide to comicbook lettering with Adobe Illustrator (pdf). Note the last page. In fact, if you doubt me on the "do not use Comic Sans for Comics" take a look at the image on that last page then scroll up and look at all the other images - you cannot tell me there isn't a huge difference.
posted by Artw at 10:07 PM on June 20, 2010

Wait, Melinda Gates was behind Microsoft Bob?

Is that why that STUPID GODDAMN DOG won't just DIE already? Mrs. Gates probably loves the damned thing, so Bill cannot allow it to be humanely euthanized.

God I hate that stupid dog. Even more than I hate Comic Sans or Outlook. Every fresh Windows XP install comes with the damned dog turned on as a "search assistant" by default. PAROXYSMS of RAGE ensue. This is a "professional" operating system? Jesus.

Someone please tell me they at least were kind enough to excise that abomination from Vista and Win 7. Please.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:48 AM on June 23, 2010

Someone please tell me they at least were kind enough to excise that abomination from Vista and Win 7. Please.

Yes. Microsoft hasn't released a piece of software with one of those assistants on by default since 10 FUCKING YEARS AGO. :p
posted by The Devil Tesla at 9:45 AM on June 24, 2010

Not true. XP Media Centre Edition came out in 2005, and it has the dog.

It's not the dog per se that bothers me so much as the almost-inaudible intermittent scratching sound effect that comes with it.
posted by flabdablet at 6:07 AM on June 26, 2010

Also, TDT - Windows Live Search was just launched not that long ago, and at least on XP the damned thing installed with the dog - non-removable - at the bottom of the search pane. Which made me make damn sure Live Search was nuked from every system I found it on.

Don't get too mad about my not knowing whether the dog existed on Vista or 7 - I switched to a Mac rather than use Vista. The less I deal with it, the happier I am. (Haven't had any chance to touch 7 yet - nor do I really want to.)
posted by caution live frogs at 12:57 PM on June 29, 2010

Oh yeah - COMIC SANS 2010! All-new and ready to take names and kick ass!
posted by GuyZero at 4:25 PM on July 13, 2010