This presumes fast Zombies of course.

June 29, 2010 4:19 AM

Excercise a little abstract for you? Unable to see the point of going to the gym? Try ZombieFit and get in shape for the end of the world.
posted by The Whelk (53 comments total)

Remember, you don't have to outrun the zombies; you simply have to outrun your couch potato neighbors. I think I'm good.
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:52 AM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

This workout regimen doesn't take into account my zombie apocalypse survival plan of getting killed really early on.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 4:54 AM on June 29, 2010

you don't have to outrun the zombies; you simply have to outrun your couch potato neighbors.

Until the second night.
posted by DU at 5:01 AM on June 29, 2010 [3 favorites]

they're coming to get you fit, barbara.
posted by thatelsagirl at 5:04 AM on June 29, 2010 [8 favorites]

This is useless without machete-swinging lessons. You have to really put your full body weight into each swing, in order to not get caught up on the spinal column during decapitation. Kind of like hitting a home run, except with an edged weapon instead of a blunt one.

Why yes, I have put a bit too much thought into this.
posted by elizardbits at 5:07 AM on June 29, 2010 [6 favorites]

Pfft. Just make sure your shopping mall has gym equipment flyboy.
posted by panboi at 5:18 AM on June 29, 2010

If zombie-related movies have taught me nothing else, it's that I'll somehow be an efficient, accurate shot with a variety of firearms during the zombie apocalypse despite having absolutely no prior experience with guns. So I think I'll pass on the workouts.
posted by a small part of the world at 5:22 AM on June 29, 2010 [5 favorites]

This is actually exactly what I've always thought about. It's never conventional movies that make me feel bad about lagging in my workouts - it's the post-apocalyptic, zombie, disastery ones.

Also, I've always liked the idea of parkour, but I feel awkward doing it, not being a tall skinny guy, and with the at least moderate public presence it entails.
posted by cobaltnine at 5:38 AM on June 29, 2010

I wouldn't have to worry about the zombie apocalpyse if I tried to do parkour. My natural grace and balance would ensure I'd be dead of a broken neck long before the zombie menace arrived to finish me off.
posted by winna at 5:44 AM on June 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

This just might work for me. I have a complete distaste for pointless routine, but an overactive imagination.

Also good: the shovelglove.
posted by anotherpanacea at 5:56 AM on June 29, 2010 [6 favorites]

It would probably take a zombie apocalypse to get me to work out. And by then, I guess it would be too late.
posted by joelhunt at 5:56 AM on June 29, 2010

These workouts assume that beginners have some upper body strength. I guess when the zombie apocalypse comes I'll go the Chun Li route and kick my enemies into submission.

Being torn apart by zombies sounds preferable to doing 10 push ups in a row in under 20 minutes.
posted by giraffe at 6:04 AM on June 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm confused by this approach. Let's find a whole bunch of unhealthy people and have them gather around where I live right before a zombie apocalypse?!

Maybe the guys who run the site actually live very, very far away from St. Charles, IL. Otherwise, they're doomed.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:19 AM on June 29, 2010

Before the paradigm changed, zombies used to be slow.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:28 AM on June 29, 2010

shakespeherian: "I'm confused by this approach. Let's find a whole bunch of unhealthy people and have them gather around where I live right before a zombie apocalypse?!"

Sounds like a trap set by zombies, actually.
posted by giraffe at 6:46 AM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

The trick is knowing when not to exercise. I can just see my running group finishing a couple dozen km, and then stumbling across a zombie horde, at that point barely managing a shuffle ahead of them.

Are you sure this isn't an exercise program for zombies? (slow ---> fast) I think we'd be serving as pace-setters for them.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:56 AM on June 29, 2010

What the heck's a five-foot precision? (Mentioned in the WOD)
posted by ActualStackhouse at 7:07 AM on June 29, 2010

Forget physical fitness. I want to see a zombie survival regimen that teaches people just don't panic!
You could save way more lives that way.
posted by Widepath at 7:23 AM on June 29, 2010

My personal trainer and I (back when I had a personal trainer) discussed the possibility of him chasing me around the park in a bunny suit wielding a machete, but this might work too.
posted by Evangeline at 7:44 AM on June 29, 2010 [5 favorites]

I suppose parkour would be a fantastic skill in case of zombie apocalypse.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:17 AM on June 29, 2010

You have to really put your full body weight into each swing, in order to not get caught up on the spinal column during decapitation.

I don't think full decapitation is necessary, though. It seems enough to bash in the skull and destroy the brain; I'm thinking the preference should be for blunt objects like crowbars, baseball bats, etc.
posted by never used baby shoes at 8:18 AM on June 29, 2010

Their video tutorials can bite me...wait no.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
BRAINZZZZZZZZZZZ
posted by edbles at 8:18 AM on June 29, 2010

Rule #1. Cardio
posted by Muddler at 8:56 AM on June 29, 2010

Before the paradigm changed, zombies used to be slow.

Zombies are slow, shuffling idiots, but are no less dangerous for it. Don't accept the lies of those who would speed up zombies in order to make a more music-video-looking zombie film.

Monster tropes exist for a reason, and we disregard them at our peril. The day that we accepted running zombies, we took our first step on the inevitable path to sparkling vampires.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:12 AM on June 29, 2010 [8 favorites]

Seems like a gimmick to get people to get into their gym. Takes advantage of those of us who actually wear tinfoil hats and await the apocalypse.

(Just joking. About the tinfoil hats.)
posted by Malice at 9:16 AM on June 29, 2010

Parasite Unseen: "Zombies are slow, shuffling idiots, but are no less dangerous for it. Don't accept the lies of those who would speed up zombies in order to make a more music-video-looking zombie film."

*ahem*

There are fast zombies in Night of the Living Dead.

/pet peeve
posted by brundlefly at 9:20 AM on June 29, 2010

I knew this was going to be an attempt to convince people that parkour can be for people other than short 13-year-old boys.
posted by gurple at 9:22 AM on June 29, 2010

I have nerve damage in my right hand that makes melee weapons useless, and I gave my shotgun to my dad so he can cull the garden rabbits. I guess this is my only option.
posted by clarknova at 10:04 AM on June 29, 2010

I'm crossing my fingers that the slow zombie virus doesn't mutate.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:12 AM on June 29, 2010

Virus? I thought it was cosmic radiation.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:19 AM on June 29, 2010

Once we have zombies on rascals its all over
posted by rosswald at 10:34 AM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

This just might work for me. I have a complete distaste for pointless routine, but an overactive imagination.

Also good: the shovelglove.


I am an active devotee of the Shovelglove. There's something very satisfying about swinging a 16 pound sledgehammer. It's made me stronger more quickly than all my years of weight training.
posted by prodigalsun at 10:35 AM on June 29, 2010

People who complain about monster rules changing should really take a few undergraduate courses in mythology.
posted by Pope Guilty at 10:36 AM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Great idea, I was genuinely enthused pre-click. Unfortunately it was light on zombies, heavy on parkour. Nothing against parkour, but I am going to need quiiiite a few zWODs before zombie invasion isn't a more realistic motivator.
posted by Iteki at 10:54 AM on June 29, 2010

I have my emergency zombie cabin retreat already stocked: food, water, and plenty of ammunition.
posted by Fizz at 11:31 AM on June 29, 2010

I am friends with two people who got an apartment partially because of it's excellent zombie fortification properties.

It's a pretty awesome apartment.
posted by The Whelk at 11:34 AM on June 29, 2010

I was really hoping this would be a stand-in replacement for WiiFit.
posted by tybeet at 11:55 AM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

I always thought that The Exit in Chicago would be a good place to hole up for the zombacalypse. They have a solid metal door and lots of metal implements good for barricading and swinging. Then I realized that The Exit would likely be ground zero if it wasn't Neo.
posted by Babblesort at 11:56 AM on June 29, 2010

I have my emergency zombie cabin retreat already stocked: food, water, and plenty of ammunition.

Repeat after me: Lose the gun, and use something blunt. A crowbar or cricket bat will never run out of ammunition.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:11 PM on June 29, 2010

There really should be a Metafilter Zombie Survival Support Group.


HitMe.
posted by The Whelk at 12:17 PM on June 29, 2010

Or BiteMe. It would double as a flamewar repository.
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:31 PM on June 29, 2010

and or Vampire meetup group.
posted by The Whelk at 12:33 PM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

What the heck's a five-foot precision?

This. I expect it'd be a pretty helpful skill if you're trying to navigate a city via rooftops.
posted by Spinneret at 1:30 PM on June 29, 2010

This thing is like a year too late to cash in on the memitude of zombies; everybody's already sick of them. Maybe they should have gone with apple-sucks-fit
posted by tehloki at 2:58 PM on June 29, 2010

I read the article in Wired and was reminded that zombies don't worry about fitness, they focus on diet - so as a fairly in-shape person, I'd best avail myself of custom-made zombie bonecrunching weaponry on my way to the most expensive (but clearly zombie-proof) spot in America: Hala Ranch.

Prince Bandar's got his shit together already. I hope he's cool with unexpected visitors, since I'll be rolling up there in my cage-reinforced, turret-gun-armed Vehicross!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:27 PM on June 29, 2010

"There are fast zombies in Night of the Living Dead."

"Are they slow-moving, chief?" asks a reporter. "Yeah," the cop says wearily, "they're dead."

And my plan for zombie fitness is to have myself animated by mutant bees, thus allowing me to fire swarms of insects from my mouth, obviating your running while keeping myself at the classic lackadaisical pace.
posted by klangklangston at 5:32 PM on June 29, 2010

klangklangston: ""Are they slow-moving, chief?" asks a reporter. "Yeah," the cop says wearily, "they're dead.""

Yeah. So says that one guy. This zombie is clearly typical human speed, or close to it. Also, note he uses tools!

Also, later:

You know a place back down the road called Beekman's? Beekman's Diner? Anyhow, that's where I found that truck I have out there. There's a radio in the truck. I jumped in to listen, when a big gasoline truck came screaming right across the road! There must've been ten, fifteen of those things chasing after it, grabbing and holding on. Now, I didn't see them at first. I could just see that the truck was moving in a funny way. Those things were catching up to it. Truck went right across the road. I slammed on my breaks to keep from hitting it myself. It went right through the guard rail! I guess - guess the driver must've cut off the road into that gas station by Beekman's Diner. It went right through the billboard, ripped over a gas pump, and never stopped moving! By now it was like a moving bonfire! Didn't know if the truck was going to explode or what. I still hear the man... screaming. These things, just backing away from it! I looked back at the diner to see if - if there was anyone there who could help me. That's when I noticed that the entire place had been encircled. There wasn't a sign of life left, except... by now, there were no more screams. I realized that I was alone, with fifty or sixty of those things just... standing there, staring at me! I started to drive, I - I just plowed right through them! They didn't move! They didn't run, or... they just stood there, staring at me! I just wanted to crush them! And they scattered through the air, like bugs.

Nowadays Romero says that true zombies are slow, but he was not at all consistent about it at the time. I think this is akin to Lucas claiming to have had a master plan for Star Wars from the beginning.
posted by brundlefly at 9:53 PM on June 29, 2010

They're... they're dead, they're all messed up.
posted by Pope Guilty at 10:25 PM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Romero wasn't even consistent in the scene you linked: the zombie first lurches up to the couple, then is in a fast motion fight with Johnny, then lurches toward the car slowly, then catches up and quickly breaks the rear window, then can't keep up with the car when the emergency brake is released.

Personally, I go on the "Romero was a low-budget film maker looking for the best effects without any view to tradition or mythology" theory myself, but the midichlorian explanation is that the cosmic rays that animate the corpses allow for brief bursts of speed; the total cop-out is that they're ghouls, not zombies (but that's bullshit).
posted by klangklangston at 10:29 PM on June 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Arguably, Dawn of the Dead does more to establish canon than Night.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:09 AM on June 30, 2010

klangklangston: "Personally, I go on the "Romero was a low-budget film maker looking for the best effects without any view to tradition or mythology" theory myself"

Couldn't agree more, and I think that's true of the vast majority of people who've made zombie films. It makes the "zombies don't do [BLANK]" or "zombies are [BLANK] but not [BLANK]" stuff seem really silly to me.

Zombie films are more of a loose genre than a coherent mythology, which is why I would include 28 Days Later as a zombie film when many would not.
posted by brundlefly at 3:39 PM on June 30, 2010

28 Days Later is included in Glenn Kay's Zombie Movies: The Ultimate Guide, even as he acknowledges that some purists object, so that's good enough for me.

But I do think it's very much on the fringes of zombie mythos, and that its fast zombies are an aberration; I see no problem in holding that there aren't fast zombies as a rule, because even while 28 Days Later is a zombie movie (genre), it doesn't really have zombies in it (taxonomy).
posted by klangklangston at 10:53 PM on July 1, 2010

How do you describe MetaFilter? Well, it's where the taxonomy of zombies is worth serious discussion, thank you very much.
posted by klangklangston at 10:54 PM on July 1, 2010 [2 favorites]