"Mr. Balrog, (age 325,680) in a state of. extreme inebriation, apparently became infuriated when the manager, a Mr. Gandalf, (age 426,) refused to serve him additional intoxicants. Witnesses report seeing Mr. Gandalf howling "YOU SHALL NOT FILL HIS GLASS!" to his staff, while swinging a broom menacingly.
Mr. Balrog then roared and in what appears to be an accident, set the pub ablaze.
Reportedly, the managerer's last words to his customers and staff before the establishment was completely incinerated were: "Fly, you fools!"
As of 3:30am, the FDNY was still battling the 18-alarm fire, which has now engulfed the "Hell's Kitchen" area. There has been extensive property damage throughout that section of the city, numerous lives lost.
Mr. Balrog is currently in critical condition after he was pulled from the rubble early this morning. Mr. Gandalf is still missing."
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