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July 22, 2010 1:06 PM   Subscribe

The fast food arms race continues to spiral out of control as Carl's Jr introduces a foot-long cheeseburger.

This may have been a response to Friendly's throwdown, the Grilled Cheese Burgermelt. Of course, the Carl's sandwich is just the latest addition to the pantheon of lengthy foods, trotting at the heels of Sonic's Footlong Quarter Pound Coney.

All this comes along with news that the original absurd cholesterol sandwich, the KFC Double Down (previously), is not doing so well.

On the plus side, researchers found that fast food chains have reduced levels of trans fats in their food, so that means all of this is healthy, obviously.
posted by superquail (84 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
WOW! It's a...cheeseburger sub?
posted by rollbiz at 1:09 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


I just used an American Flag handkerchief to wipe a joyful tear from my pet bald eagle.
posted by Think_Long at 1:09 PM on July 22, 2010 [17 favorites]


You don't introduce the foot-long cheeseburger. You unleash it.
posted by mullacc at 1:10 PM on July 22, 2010 [20 favorites]


Meanwhile Poor Neighborhoods Lack Access to Fresh Produce
posted by shakespeherian at 1:12 PM on July 22, 2010 [9 favorites]


Subway has had cheeseburger subs for a while now.
posted by stavrogin at 1:13 PM on July 22, 2010


now even more meat-like dog chow in an even longer almost-breddish bun.
posted by krautland at 1:14 PM on July 22, 2010


Puhleeze. Mr. Hero has been doing this with the Romanburger for years.
posted by slogger at 1:15 PM on July 22, 2010


Pfft they been sellin' weird shit like this at the yuck trucks at Rutgers since Bush was president.
posted by Mister_A at 1:15 PM on July 22, 2010 [3 favorites]


Don't miss the 1000+ calorie mac & cheese quesadilla on the kid's menu at Friendly's.
posted by kmz at 1:15 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Starting at $4.00? That's less than seven cents a square inch. Terrifying.
posted by rainbaby at 1:16 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Carl's Jr was featured prominently in the movie Idiocracy. Just sayin'.
posted by adamrice at 1:16 PM on July 22, 2010 [4 favorites]


Bah. Looks impressive at rest, but get it out on the open concrete battlefield of a suburban big-box "power centre" and all that extra girth will just make it clumsy. Easy pickins for a fleet of well-armed Wendy's Baconators.
posted by gompa at 1:18 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


the KFC Double Down (previously), is not doing so well.

Well, to be fair, it's hard to keep the market for your product going when eating it actually destroys the consumer in a China-Syndrome-like meltdown.
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:19 PM on July 22, 2010 [3 favorites]


Starting at $4.00? That's less than seven cents a square inch. Terrifying.

$4.00 gets me 4 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. Pass.
posted by 2bucksplus at 1:20 PM on July 22, 2010


laffo at thread title.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 1:20 PM on July 22, 2010 [4 favorites]


I'll eat one when I can get it deep-fried.
posted by marxchivist at 1:22 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


Food does taste better by the linear American and British Units.
posted by StickyCarpet at 1:23 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Don't give them any ideas
posted by InfidelZombie at 1:24 PM on July 22, 2010


Well, to be fair, it's hard to keep the market for your product going when eating it actually destroys the consumer in a China-Syndrome-like meltdown.

Only the weak ones. I'm on to KFC's sinister plan, I AM!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 1:24 PM on July 22, 2010


Well, to be fair, it's hard to keep the market for your product going when eating it actually destroys the consumer in a China-Syndrome-like meltdown.

And yet, they still keep selling cigarettes.
posted by crunchland at 1:24 PM on July 22, 2010


Eh. There's a place in Portland where you can get a foot long cheeseburger...with the FRIES ON IT.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:25 PM on July 22, 2010


I'll eat one when I can get it deep-fried.

And coated in chocolate.
posted by daniel_charms at 1:25 PM on July 22, 2010


Seriously, it's a 12-inch cheeseburger sub. There are like four places I could get one of those within walking distance from here.

Oh, and I ate a Double Down last week. It was kind of soggy.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:26 PM on July 22, 2010


Goes great with a 55% beer in a dead squirrel, which is coincidentally what it's most likely made out of anyway.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:26 PM on July 22, 2010 [3 favorites]


The Redonkadonk. According to a Health Magazine: A food cart in Oregon offers one of the Top 50 fattest foods in the Nation. It's called the Redonkadonk. It's sold at BrunchBox, a popular food cart. Ingredients: Egg, ham, Spam, bacon, and American cheese on a beef patty, between two grilled-cheese sandwiches on thicker-than-normal Texas Toast bread in the place of a buns.
posted by jgaiser at 1:27 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Did somebody say fast food arms race?
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:28 PM on July 22, 2010


adamrice - "Welcome to Carl's Jr., Fuck you, I'm eating."
posted by daq at 1:28 PM on July 22, 2010


"One wonders not about (Carl's Jr) but about what it is that holds us back."
posted by Zerowensboring at 1:29 PM on July 22, 2010


This decade will be remembered as the one when restaurants replaced the threshold question of "does it taste good?" with "is it blogworthy?"
posted by naju at 1:29 PM on July 22, 2010 [6 favorites]


SOVIET COMMUNIST SYSTEM "LAST GASP" PROGRAM : INITIATED

CAPITALIST BOURGEOIS GLUTTONY AND DESIRE FOR FULFILLMENT THROUGH FATTY, SUGARY INTAKE MEME : IMPLANTED

MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION: CONFIRMED
posted by lalochezia at 1:30 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Nothing beats the Rutgers "grease trucks" where you can order a sandwich made of anything that you could order separately. Like french fries and onion rings and chicken tenders.
posted by smackfu at 1:34 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


It's a suicidal nation.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:34 PM on July 22, 2010


Beef and cheese on a hoagie roll? That's disgusting.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 1:36 PM on July 22, 2010


I remember eating cheeseburger subs in the early eighties, they need be more innovative in their bad food.
posted by octothorpe at 1:36 PM on July 22, 2010


The fast food arms race continues to spiral out of control...

...down the slippery slope and into the bottomless pit of mutilated metaphors.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:37 PM on July 22, 2010 [7 favorites]


We must not allow a cheeseburger gap!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 1:37 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


I guess "two cheeseburgers" doesn't have the same press angle as "one comically large cheeseburger". As I got older quality won out over quantity in my food choices, which not only turned out to be a good thing for my health, but also resulted in my yummy sound to the"oh my god I'm stuffed" groan ratio finally pointing in the right direction.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 1:40 PM on July 22, 2010


If it's on a foot long sub, it's not a cheeseburger. It's a burger patty sandwich. I've made one of these when I ran out of burger buns one time, but at least I was honest enough to admit I'd fucked up the shopping instead of passing it off as a new invention.
posted by IanMorr at 1:43 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


I don't trust cheeseburger phalluses.
posted by krinklyfig at 1:43 PM on July 22, 2010


Colon-hell Sanders.
posted by gurple at 1:45 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


I don't like anything that's a foot long.

<hamburger>
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:46 PM on July 22, 2010


Oh, I got something like this in Providence once! Delivered to my friend's door! Slathered in cheese! It came with a coronary stent! One of these exclamations is a fib!
posted by Mister_A at 1:49 PM on July 22, 2010


Who finds this kind of thing appetizing? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for cheeseburgers in their natural form, but I firmly associate "cheeseburger" as a topping or filling for any other food as being a euphemism for "barely food-grade pseudo meat product now with Velveeta!"
posted by arto at 1:51 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


I suspect the Double Down failed because it's a pain to eat. Without a bun, and with only a piece of deli paper wrapped around it, it's way too hot to hold when it's served, and also pretty hot on the tongue. And considering how much cheese you lose when it melts and drips into the paper, it's a good object lesson on why chicken cordon bleu is eaten with a knife and fork.

BTW, I became a major league calorie-obsessive a couple years ago and lost a third of my body mass as a result, and this is a big reason why I ate one of these things. For 460 calories, the grilled Double Down is among the better things you can get at a fast food joint. Even going with the grilled filet sandwich at KFC, you're only getting down to 400 by switching one filet for a bun and getting rid of the bacon. I sought the Double Down out because I like chicken and I like bacon, but also because I travel a lot and finding a decent road lunch for less than 500 calories is a real chore.
posted by aaronetc at 1:54 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Nothing beats the Rutgers "grease trucks" where you can order a sandwich made of anything that you could order separately. Like french fries and onion rings and chicken tenders.

Now a college-town franchise operated by a couple of Rutgers alums, by the way.
posted by escabeche at 1:54 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Dyspepsi Blue.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 1:55 PM on July 22, 2010


Carls Jr always tastes like liquid smoke and HFCS anyway. This will not be an improvement.
posted by JackarypQQ at 1:57 PM on July 22, 2010


Pfft they been sellin' weird shit like this at the yuck trucks at Rutgers since Bush was president.

That's GREASE trucks to you, bub. :D

Now that you mention it, I really miss one particular grease truck's coffee caffeinated sludge....
posted by zarq at 1:58 PM on July 22, 2010


I realize that my fantasy of being Dictator of All will probably never come true, but if it did, every parent and kid in the U.S. would have to study and discuss Fast Food Nation until there were no fast food outlets left anywhere here. (Those willing to swear or affirm they never ate fast food would be excused from the requirement.)

*Departs to return to fast food eschewing lifestyle.*
posted by bearwife at 1:59 PM on July 22, 2010


Mister_A: "Pfft they been sellin' weird shit like this at the yuck trucks at Rutgers since Bush was president."

God, I could go for a Fat Sam right now.
posted by ShawnStruck at 2:00 PM on July 22, 2010


trotting at the heels of Sonic's Footlong Quarter Pound Coney

I was imagining a very long, comically thin cheeseburger. Hot dog? Feh.
posted by kittyprecious at 2:01 PM on July 22, 2010


It won't get interesting until they puree one of these things, ferment it and serve it in the cavity of the animal they butchered to make it.
posted by vverse23 at 2:02 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


It won't get interesting until they puree one of these things, ferment it and serve it in the cavity of the animal they butchered to make it.

Somewhere, a McDonald's executive is watching No Reservations, rubbing his hands together and cackling softly. "We'll call it... 'The McCud.'"
posted by zarq at 2:06 PM on July 22, 2010


Eh, I'll wait until they start selling a bacon western footlong. Although their six dollar burgers were supposed to be a mockery of expensive burgers, but in a few years that may be the price point.
posted by Badgermann at 2:07 PM on July 22, 2010


Or the 'McHaggis.' Take your pick. :)
posted by zarq at 2:08 PM on July 22, 2010


These guys aren't doing anything new - they're just catching on. D'angelos has been serving an 18" burger for years. Great stuff!
posted by blaneyphoto at 2:09 PM on July 22, 2010


isn't the foot long quarter pound coney just a new name for the chili cheese foot long coney?

double down is better for you than a big mac.

and the fast food chains don't actually expect to be selling a lot of their "OMG it's so BIG" items as much as they know that it gets their brand name out there, gets people/blogs talking, and reminds people to think of them as an option for their guilty food habits.
posted by nadawi at 2:15 PM on July 22, 2010


If they're really calling it a "Footlong," Subway isn't going to be happy.
posted by coolguymichael at 2:16 PM on July 22, 2010


Alien 1: It seems the earthlings won.

Alien 2: Did they? That [foot long cheeseburger] may have defeated us. But the humans won't stop there. They'll make [bigger sandwiches] and [bigger burgers], and soon, they will make a [cheeseburger] so big, it will destroy them all!

[both aliens laugh evilly, for quite some time]
posted by blue_beetle at 2:35 PM on July 22, 2010


My idea:

Combine the Grilled Cheese Burger, the Luther Burger, and the Monte Cristo.

The bun is made of up 2 donuts, each sliced down the middle and made into grilled cheese donut-sandwiches.

The meat is beef with sliced ham and/or turkey, maybe some other form of deli meat if you like (a couple of slices of pepperoni, anyone?)

Cheeses: Cheddar, Bleu, Swiss, and Colby Jack

Other fixin's to taste.

Dip it in batter and deep fry it.

Cover with powdered sugar and jelly/syrup.

Lay it out on a bed of truffle oil french fries.

Eat, then die of a heart attack/foodgasm.
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:45 PM on July 22, 2010


That Grilled Cheese Burgermelt is 1500 calories?!

That's not food, it's felonious assault.
posted by quin at 2:46 PM on July 22, 2010


Son of a bitch, now I'm hungry.
posted by jquinby at 2:46 PM on July 22, 2010


HAMBURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGER
posted by wcfields at 2:47 PM on July 22, 2010


Oh, and some part of it should be wrapped in bacon. Perhaps the beef.
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:47 PM on July 22, 2010


And Patton Oswalt said, circa 2010:

I want my FAILURE PILE in a SADNESS BUN.
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 2:50 PM on July 22, 2010


"Original absurd cholesterol sandwich"? Time to post that fivethirtyeight link again, I guess. (And that's just for fast food. Really, about the worst high-cholesterol food you can have are pork brains; one can of the stuff (in milk gravy), about 2/3rds of a cup, gives you about 1170% of your daily RDA for cholesterol. (The can label shows them being served on eggs.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:19 PM on July 22, 2010


Dear God,
Please smite.
Thx
Marty
posted by nj_subgenius at 3:19 PM on July 22, 2010


I'm envisioning the next step in the fast food arms race. Obviously it involves cheese. Bacon. French Fries. Mayonnaise. Sausage. Fried chicken. But it needs something sweet....chocolate chip bagel? Probably too puffy which would mean too difficult to stretch your mouth around, so lets make it chocolate chip sour dough wrap. Yeah.

I give you the Chickochocobacomayo!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:20 PM on July 22, 2010


I'm envisioning the next step in the fast food arms race.

Fried, Bacon-Flavored Cholesterol. Sucked directly from the veins of a local morbidly obese heart attack victim.


Onna stick.
posted by zarq at 3:27 PM on July 22, 2010


I'd pass on the Redonkadonk.

But my God, the Redonkadonkdonk? There's be nothing that could stop me from spending the 401k on those greasehavens.
posted by seventyfour at 3:45 PM on July 22, 2010


The sad thing is that after watching 2.5 seasons of Man v. Food, this doesn't even look impressive.
posted by SNWidget at 3:54 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Fastfood meals for failures
posted by Navelgazer at 3:54 PM on July 22, 2010


We don't have Carl's Jr. On the east coast.

*weeps*
posted by jonmc at 4:45 PM on July 22, 2010


I remember this as a standard item at the sort of sub shops that sold a wide selection of cheese steak variations (i.e. pizza steak, a cheese steak with pizza sauce and mozzarella).
posted by 445supermag at 4:46 PM on July 22, 2010


Just reading this thread made my face and hands feel greasy. I have to go wash now.
posted by DU at 4:53 PM on July 22, 2010


Carl's Jr TV commercials dripping fillings are gross. Can only assume the food in rl is gross also. This proves it.
posted by Cranberry at 4:56 PM on July 22, 2010


I for one like onion rings all on their oddy-knocky; I guess I'm just not that good at fast food.
posted by emhutchinson at 5:12 PM on July 22, 2010


We don't have Carl's Jr. On the east coast.
Yeah, we do, it's called Hardees.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:15 PM on July 22, 2010


I want one like yesterday!
posted by all4one at 5:20 PM on July 22, 2010


Carl's Jr. and In-N-Out are the only things I miss about living in L.A.
posted by griphus at 5:56 PM on July 22, 2010


wow, I was just having this little confessional chat with mr supermedusa about my clandestine binge eating tendencies, but damn....maybe I'm just...american? I wouldn't eat most of the items listed on these various links...maybe I'm the HEALTHY one?????

blargh!
posted by supermedusa at 6:22 PM on July 22, 2010


Meanwhile Poor Neighborhoods Lack Access to Fresh Produce

No longer! The deluxe version includes onions, lettuce, and tomatos.
posted by spasm at 6:48 PM on July 22, 2010


Pfft they been sellin' weird shit like this at the yuck trucks at Rutgers since Bush was president.
posted by Mister_A at 4:15 PM on July 22


when i taught there our Prez was either Bush Sr or Clinton and those trucks were there in the parking lot on my way to my Spanish classrooms. gawd! how i miss them. good times :)
posted by liza at 7:27 PM on July 22, 2010


I want everyone who wants to eat this to eat this. And then I want to hear them complain about the terrible health care system they now need and screamed to preserve.
posted by Legomancer at 3:43 PM on July 25, 2010


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