Wanted: Monkey annoyer. Must have own flying squirrel.

August 2, 2010 5:17 PM

The most wonderful headline in the history of the world: Monkeys hate flying squirrels, report monkey-annoyance experts.
posted by scalefree (48 comments total)

The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.

This is the greatest article I have ever read.

INTRUDER ALERT!
posted by doublehappy at 5:23 PM on August 2, 2010

My colleagues are not amused. You have been warned.
posted by digitalprimate at 5:25 PM on August 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

It's too bad there's no call for sibling-annoyance experts. I know a lot of talented young people who would have a future in that industry.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:29 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

I keep wondering how they feel about flying monkeys.
posted by bearwife at 5:29 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

I knew I picked the wrong field of expertise.
posted by lullaby at 5:30 PM on August 2, 2010

Japanese macaques will completely flip out when presented with flying squirrels, a new study in monkey-antagonism has found. The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.

"Will completely flip out?" My god, this is worse than the freshman western civ students I used to grade as a teaching assistant...you know, the ones who once wrote: "The Spartans were complete nut jobs." While technically true, perhaps not something you want to say in the course of a written piece...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 5:30 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

I loved this article and wish to know more. Annoyed monkeys are my new favourite thing.
posted by shinybaum at 5:31 PM on August 2, 2010

GENTLEMAN! WE MUST ENRAGE THE MONKEYS!
posted by The Whelk at 5:32 PM on August 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

*Impressively catches The Whelk*

Female primates, you have my email in profile.
posted by carsonb at 5:34 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

I miss my flying squirrel.
posted by adipocere at 5:36 PM on August 2, 2010

Hm. Did article writer leave the headline for the intern? This feels like an Onion headline with a CSM article.

That said: awesome.
posted by LucretiusJones at 5:38 PM on August 2, 2010

Monkey Torture
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 5:40 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yeah, parts of this article read like The Onion. Specifically: Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

But Congress, under heavy pressure from the powerful monkey rights lobby, decided that money being spent on the monkey collider would be put to better use in other areas of government. Now, with funding cut off, the future of our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.

posted by dammitjim at 5:41 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's too bad furiousxgeorge didn't post this.
posted by proj at 5:48 PM on August 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

Why was I not told "monkey annoyer" was an option on career day? I feel robbed.

Then again, I picked "high school teacher" instead, which is kind of the same thing.
posted by lilac girl at 5:50 PM on August 2, 2010 [13 favorites]

Taliban’s Terrifying Army of Monkey Terrorists Effectively Ends War
posted by homunculus at 5:52 PM on August 2, 2010

hahahahahahahaha

I have nothing.
posted by tarantula at 5:55 PM on August 2, 2010

"The Spartans were complete nut jobs." While technically true, perhaps not something you want to say in the course of a written piece...

At least not where any Spartans are going to see it.
posted by DU at 6:00 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

A monkey will eat dirt. If you force it.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:12 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

I too would like to be a monkey-annoyance expert.
posted by me & my monkey at 6:15 PM on August 2, 2010

Came for "Monkey Torture", left satisfied.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 6:29 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

OK, now I see how to do it.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:40 PM on August 2, 2010

This is useless without video.

Wait...

I stand corrected.
posted by slogger at 6:55 PM on August 2, 2010

I spent a lot of time inadvertently annoying monkeys earlier this year (turns out you don't need to be a flying squirrel ... just getting a little too close has a similar effect). This ended up with a lot of monkey urine on my binoculars and my hair. Not all it's cracked up to be!

Incidentally, lots of animals are tricked by things that look like they might be aerial predators. One of my favorite zoo moments occurred when I was watching prairie dogs at the St. Louis Zoo. A group of 3 or 4 air force jets flew overhead and the prairie dogs FLIPPED OUT (to use the technical term) in a frenzy of squeaking and diving into holes until the airforce jets' silhouettes were far far away.
posted by ChuraChura at 7:00 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

This ended up with a lot of monkey urine on my binoculars and my hair. Not all it's cracked up to be!

Two things to mention.

1. Rule 34

2. But just imagine if you were getting paid for it!
posted by me & my monkey at 7:38 PM on August 2, 2010

*climbs tree and launches self in glide over troop of mefites*
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:58 PM on August 2, 2010

Monkeys Chase Flying Squirrel
posted by floam at 7:59 PM on August 2, 2010

^ I will be sometime in the future, hopefully!
posted by ChuraChura at 8:12 PM on August 2, 2010

I was, ahh... workin' with chickens. I was a cockteaser for Rooster-Rama. I used to enrage the Bantams before the big bouts.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:34 PM on August 2, 2010

I too would like to be a monkey-annoyance expert.

Lessons given in MetaTalk daily!
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:36 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Annoyed monkeys are complete nut jobs."
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:54 PM on August 2, 2010

I'm imagining the future infomercial.

"Tired of slaving all day trying to enrage your monkeys?

[CUT TO: exasperated housewife gesticulating at very calm-looking Capuchin]

'There has to be a better way!'"
posted by penduluum at 9:21 PM on August 2, 2010 [6 favorites]

The purpose of the monkey is to flip out.
posted by adamrice at 9:30 PM on August 2, 2010

Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat!

But that trick never works!

This time for sure! PRESTO!! Oh shit, it's not a rabbit, it's a monkey!!! Run for your life, Rocky!!!
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:01 PM on August 2, 2010

They Jealous.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:12 PM on August 2, 2010

So monkey-annoyance experts are experts at annoying monkeys? Their research, "a new study in monkey-antagonism", could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys?

Somebody explain this, please.
posted by bonefish at 10:17 PM on August 2, 2010

"so... how did you become a monkey annoyance expert?"

"you know, it's funny you should ask. originally, I was trying to become an expert in monkey hearing and I had this bullhorn, you see, that was really quite loud and I guess one thing lead to another..."
posted by shmegegge at 10:24 PM on August 2, 2010

"How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding monkeys sound like?"

The Super Monkey Collider article is so weirdly relevant. It needs more love.
posted by mosk at 10:27 PM on August 2, 2010

Really now? Been to the zoo, ever?
How hard is it really to enrage a couple of monkeys?.
Seriously...
posted by Fupped Duck at 10:50 PM on August 2, 2010

Just what we need: angrier monkeys.
posted by Maztec at 11:31 PM on August 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

My god, this is worse than the freshman western civ students I used to grade as a teaching assistant...

Except in this case I'm pretty sure the author, tongue firmly in cheek, is aware of what he is doing, hence the pun in the first line of the article:

Researchers have observed small monkeys called Japanese macaques going bananas at the sight of a flying squirrel.
posted by HP LaserJet P10006 at 12:06 AM on August 3, 2010

I hate that all monkey articles include the phrase, "Going bananas." Many monkeys don't even LIKE bananas! They're not a native plant in most of the places monkeys live. YOU THINK YOU ARE CLEVER BUT YOU ARE NOT.
posted by ChuraChura at 4:48 AM on August 3, 2010 [4 favorites]

they either mistook the squirrel for a predator or were trying to impress females in the troop.

I'm guessing it's the latter. Nothin' like squirrel chasing to impress the laydeez.

Frankly I'm still trying to grasp the fact that there are people paid to annoy monkeys. How would that job interview go?

"Mr. Bullwinkle, I understand you have a lot of experience with flying squirrels, but just how have you annoyed monkeys? Do you have any documentation?"
posted by kinnakeet at 5:21 AM on August 3, 2010

MetaFilter: You think you are clever but you are not.

Also: Monkey banana raffle!
posted by ostranenie at 7:31 AM on August 3, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have called this press conference to put an end to years of slander and abuse. The falsehoods and fabrications must stop! Race horses do not urinate any more frequently, or with any more vigor, than regular horses!
posted by shmegegge at 8:39 AM on August 3, 2010

OK, now I see how to do it.

It just needed more dialogue.
posted by homunculus at 9:22 PM on August 3, 2010

‘Coked-up stimulus monkeys’ roped into Nevada’s Senate race
posted by homunculus at 10:01 PM on August 4, 2010

In totally unrelated news: Rupert Murdoch Adopts Parasailing Russian Donkey
posted by homunculus at 9:58 AM on August 5, 2010