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Emo Philips is on both lists.
August 23, 2010 11:36 AM Subscribe

One-liner artist Tim Vine has won the award for the funniest joke told at the 2010 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, but you'll have to click the link to find out what it was. The BBC's article lists the top ten best jokes and a selection of the worst.
posted by Faint of Butt (235 comments total) 29 users marked this as a favorite

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

What.
posted by DU at 11:39 AM on August 23, 2010 [17 favorites]

Emo Phillips made both lists!
posted by Mister_A at 11:40 AM on August 23, 2010

I actually liked his "worst" joke better'n his "best."
posted by Mister_A at 11:40 AM on August 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

And as usual with any top 10 list there are those that disagree - like me. I found 2 and 3 far funnier but then I'm not a fan of Mr Vine - he seems to try too hard. But hey, he's funnier on a bad day that I could be on a good one.
posted by markx2 at 11:41 AM on August 23, 2010

There seems to be a very thin line between those "best" and "worst" "jokes".
posted by kmz at 11:41 AM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Something got lost in translation here, and I speak English.
posted by desjardins at 11:41 AM on August 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

It's no "my dog has no nose" by a long shot.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:42 AM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

On 7 October 2004 Vine broke the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour with 499, beating the previous record of 362. Each joke told by Vine had to get a laugh from the paying audience to count towards the record. He held the record until May 2005 when Australian comedian, Anthony "Lehmo" Lehmann told 549 jokes.

Holy Moe. 600/hr would be 10 a minute or one every 6 seconds. And if you factor in duds, you probably have to tell more than that.
posted by DU at 11:44 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

That one's pretty good, I'll admit.
posted by echo target at 11:44 AM on August 23, 2010 [29 favorites]

Pedantic note: most of those one-liners are actually two lines. (And they might be funnier in the context of comedians telling the jokes.)
posted by filthy light thief at 11:45 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

That one's pretty good, I'll admit.

Yeah, I think that was the only one I genuinely laughed at.
posted by kmz at 11:46 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

That one's pretty good, I'll admit.

That is the only thing on this list that is funny. Also I'm surpirsed none of Andy Zolzmann's(sp?) puns made the list.
posted by edbles at 11:49 AM on August 23, 2010

Really? This was the winner? Seems pretty weak to me.
posted by Ross Merriam at 11:50 AM on August 23, 2010

Please to be explaining spoon joke?
posted by Gator at 11:51 AM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Also: Dave is a UK tv channel, but I'm still not sure why an acrylic elephant is the trophy.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:51 AM on August 23, 2010

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

I laughed at that one. The winner didn't strike me as all that funny, unless I'm not getting something.
posted by archagon at 11:52 AM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

No jokes about nut crabs then?
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 11:52 AM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

What.

In the UK it's quite common for pubs to give you a numbered spoon when you order your food so the server can find you later on.
posted by i_cola at 11:52 AM on August 23, 2010 [12 favorites]

2 & 7 made me laugh.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:53 AM on August 23, 2010

Please to be explaining spoon joke?

In pubs in the UK, when you order food at the bar, they give you a number so that the waitress knows which table to deliver to. Some places put the numbers on little stand-up flags but a lot of places also use wooden spoons with numbers written on them.
posted by memebake at 11:54 AM on August 23, 2010

I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

I'm American so I had to translate two separate Britishisms in order to get to where I could be properly offended by this joke.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:57 AM on August 23, 2010 [17 favorites]

Spaniard lightbulb was a bit of a groaner, but hardly bad in the sense of "t'ain't funny, McGee." I would retell it.
posted by IndigoJones at 11:59 AM on August 23, 2010

This post appears to be crossing the international punch line somewhere mid-Atlantic . . .
posted by protorp at 11:59 AM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

A frog goes into a bank to get a loan. He winds up consulting with Patricia Wack, a loan officer there.
"What do you have for collateral?" she asks.
"I have this," he says and hands her some sort of small figurine from the 1920's. "And my father is Mick Jagger."
The loan officer is not very impressed, and calls over her manager. "This frog wants to borrow some money," she tells him.
"What does he have for collateral?"
"Apparently, his father is Mick Jagger. Oh -- and he has this thing." She shows him the figurine. "Whatever it is."
"You don't know that that is? It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
posted by flarbuse at 12:01 PM on August 23, 2010 [63 favorites]

Okay, who gave the judges ketamine before the performances?
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:02 PM on August 23, 2010

The wooden spoon joke was stolen from me. Its original formula was

"No such thing as a free lunch. Unless you take a your own spoon to a gastropub."

Where is my prize? Oh that's right, I was tenth, and no-one got it.
posted by tigrefacile at 12:03 PM on August 23, 2010

Could someone explain #9?
posted by oddman at 12:05 PM on August 23, 2010

I was once introduced to a girl named Lorrie whereupon I immediately declared 'I have no truck with Lorries.' Then I awarded myself ten internets.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:05 PM on August 23, 2010 [23 favorites]

Reading the article, I do find it hard to see how #1 is #1, when almost all the rest of the 10 were funnier to me. #5 probably wins from that list for me.

I'd suggest Tim Vine "in the flesh" is funnier than that one joke suggests. He's quite one dimensional, but piles through similar rapidfire puns and jokes at such a rate, and with a 'charmingly rubbish' style of delivery, that you'd be a rare or determined type not to find at least some of them raising a laugh. Although some of his stuff is rather Brit-centric.

Check youtube, obviously.

The list in itself is surprisingly one dimensional, it's all one liner / pun stuff, which Edinburgh isn't.
posted by Slyfen at 12:07 PM on August 23, 2010

And here I thought Emo Phillips OD'd on twee ages ago.
posted by jenkinsEar at 12:07 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Could someone explain #9?

Making fun of fat women, I assume. She eats a lot of chocolate so she's fat so her life has no meaning.

Yeah.
posted by kmz at 12:10 PM on August 23, 2010

"Antopolski's inclusion in the "worst joke" list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy. His winning joke was: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?""

That one got me. Then again, I'm easily amused and have an active imagination.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:10 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

#2 got a guffaw out of me (not British but I'm literate so at least I understood it).

#7 and #8 made me grin.

Others were funny but not enough to get me to laugh out loud when I'm by myself - and sober.
posted by Man with Lantern at 12:11 PM on August 23, 2010

The chess one made me giggle. The rest... Nothing.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 12:12 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jeez, you yanks.

Pubs often will number orders by giving you a wooden spoon with a number written on it. Here's a photo of what that looks like.

Now bugger off to your own country then, ya pack of ignorant tossers.

Signed,

A Minnesotan
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:14 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Making fun of fat women, I assume. She eats a lot of chocolate so she's fat so her life has no meaning.

Yeah.

At least he wasn't blatantly looking up her skirt.
posted by i_cola at 12:14 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Could someone explain #9?

Making fun of fat women, I assume. She eats a lot of chocolate so she's fat so her life has no meaning.

I just looked up Vanessa Feltz. She is fat, hence the empty box of chocolates, but she was also a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother, which is much more of an indicator of a meaningless life than fatness is.

memebake, thank you for explaining the spoon.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:16 PM on August 23, 2010

So, these jokes were awarded based on their PAR scores, I take it?
posted by hippybear at 12:18 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Emo Phillips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

This one deserved to be in the "best" list.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:21 PM on August 23, 2010 [21 favorites]

I'm eating chocolate, and life has no meaning, but I'm neither fat nor a woman. I'm not eating the chocolate because life has no meaning, mind, those two things are just simultaneously the case.

Green & Blacks' 70%, bitches!
posted by everichon at 12:21 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Some of these aren't far beyond the ones me and my friend make up to out-groan each other during time-killing situations. I guess ours probably fall more into the category of Popsicle riddles than flat-out jokes, but the good and bad in this list tickle that same bone for me.

My own proudest / most shameful moment:

Q: Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?

A: Tibet.
posted by BoatMeme at 12:28 PM on August 23, 2010 [17 favorites]

The winning joke reminded me a bit of a line from Anthony Clark on Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (man, what a great show that was):

"I'm from a small town. Gladys, Virginia. If you ever have a year to live, go there, 'cause man. Every day's like a frickin' eternity.
posted by mreleganza at 12:28 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Making fun of fat women, I assume. She eats a lot of chocolate so she's fat so her life has no meaning.

It's not quite that reductive. Since her eponymous daytime chat show ended in petty scandal, she has remained in the public eye mainly due to the trashier elements of British 'journalism' using her as a punching bag; while part of this is in turn admittedly based on her "struggle with weight", it's also based on having an (interracial) toyboy, "opportunistic, clinging on to spotlight" popping up in "tacky" reality tv & commercials, general "obnoxiousness", etc.

Not to say that makes it any nicer or more justified, of course.
posted by Slyfen at 12:29 PM on August 23, 2010

I think the hedgehog joke is funny.
posted by Splunge at 12:31 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Oh, jokes! I get jokes.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:32 PM on August 23, 2010

"You don't know that that is? It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

I never got these jokes. Seems like way too elaborate a set up for very little pay off.
posted by ODiV at 12:34 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

I'm American so I had to translate two separate Britishisms in order to get to where I could be properly offended by this joke.

Yeah, that's a very English joke. I always find it neat when my British friends tell jokes that just don't "translate" well into American English. One I remember my friend telling: Did you hear about the couple who got divorced because he threw a trifle on her? She got custody.

That depends both on knowing what a trifle is (not so well-known in America), and pronouncing 'custody' with a British accent. Make it about some British pop stars or Fergie or someone similar, and you hit the English vocabulary\accent\culture trifecta.
posted by painquale at 12:34 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Seems like way too elaborate a set up for very little pay off.

Fuck you, clown.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:34 PM on August 23, 2010 [38 favorites]

I laughed at #7, and then noticed it was from erstwhile Internet star Bo Burnham, who has always made me laugh (not proudly).
posted by Bookhouse at 12:37 PM on August 23, 2010

PAR SCORE 42
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:37 PM on August 23, 2010

But what does Comedy Evaluator Pro think?
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 12:37 PM on August 23, 2010

From the "worst jokes":

Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

I assume that made the list because everyone knows that being a vegan gives you super powers.
posted by ocha-no-mizu at 12:39 PM on August 23, 2010 [10 favorites]

DAMMIT
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 12:39 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Q: What sort of trousers do Mario and Luigi wear?

A: Denim denim denim.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:41 PM on August 23, 2010 [26 favorites]

Q: Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?

A: Tibet

Works best in fey Kelvinside accent.

Similarly:-

Q: Why do chocolate and coconut taste so good together?

A: They're bounty.
posted by tigrefacile at 12:42 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Three of the winning jokes are about making fun of fat or ugly kids. A few others are pretty mean-spirited. I like the hedgehog joke more.
posted by painquale at 12:42 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Related post
posted by codacorolla at 12:42 PM on August 23, 2010

Maybe they're all in the delivery?
posted by Hubajube at 12:45 PM on August 23, 2010

Number 8 made me laugh. Not out loud, but that's just because being at work for the last 8 hours has pretty much beaten any humour out of me that I may have had 9 hours ago. But I did laugh.

And here's a joke from me:

Q: Why did the Mexican strangle his wife?
A: Tequila!
posted by jontyjago at 12:46 PM on August 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

Fuck you, clown.

There's a friend of the family who can tell that joke in such a way that even when you know what's coming, you're hard pressed not to piss yourself. It's a hard one to tell, I can't do it justice myself.

My grandfather is a legendary teller of bad jokes. The amazing part is that mostly, they're new bad jokes. He has very little recycled material, but it's all of questionable taste at best and is more likely to induce a groan than an actual laugh. It's really an achievement of sorts that he's been able to go 87 years and not tell the same bad joke to the same person twice.
posted by sonika at 12:50 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Q: Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?

A: Tibet.

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog stand and says...

Make me one with everything.
posted by DLWM at 12:51 PM on August 23, 2010 [15 favorites]

There's a friend of the family who can tell that joke in such a way that even when you know what's coming, you're hard pressed not to piss yourself. It's a hard one to tell, I can't do it justice myself.

It's all about getting you emotionally invested in the story.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:52 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here's my fave bad joke.

Q: Do you like Kipling?
A: I don't know, I've never been kippled
posted by quarsan at 12:53 PM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]

Q: Do you like Kipling?
A: I don't know, I've never been kippled

I think you mean,
A: Sure, I'll eat anything.
posted by albrecht at 12:56 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I've never been good at one liners. Apparently neither are comedians.

Actually, my favourite joke is the horribly long winded Red Riding Hood, red knickers joke, which I probably can't tell here.
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 12:57 PM on August 23, 2010

I think if somebody well-regarded misbehaves subtly, it will siphon down through layers of fools until, when it comes out the bottom after a year or so, it's nothing but pure bile.

Yeah that or that right this second children everywhere are learning that making fun of other people can get you laughs. Children are assholes, it's just that some people never grow out of it.
posted by edbles at 12:57 PM on August 23, 2010

Q: What did the gingerbread man see when he looked in the molehill?

A: Molasses.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:58 PM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]

It's not quite that reductive.

Ack, sorry. For some reason (I'm going to blame lack of sleep) I didn't make the connection that Vanessa Feltz was a full name and therefore probably an actual person rather than just a placeholder name like "Dave" in the previous entry. It makes a lot more sense now, though it doesn't make the joke much less mean-spirited.

Three of the winning jokes are about making fun of fat or ugly kids. A few others are pretty mean-spirited. I like the hedgehog joke more.

Yeah, I noticed that as well. You gotta wonder what kind of comedians the judges were.

Q: Why did the Mexican strangle his wife?
A: Tequila!

Oy vey.
posted by kmz at 12:59 PM on August 23, 2010

I never got these jokes. Seems like way too elaborate a set up for very little pay off.

Then you'll just love this one I recall from maybe 6th grade.

Gandhi spent several days walking from one village to the next gathering support. He arrived tired, foot sore, aching, and with bad breath. Nonetheless , he proceeded to give an inspiring speech on spirituality and a large crowd assembled. A local Brit saw this and ran to warn the constable about the super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
posted by Babblesort at 12:59 PM on August 23, 2010 [26 favorites]

Shortest joke ever from Jimmy Carr:
Venison? That's deer.

Best heckler put down ever, also from J Carr. (VNSFW)
posted by i_cola at 1:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]

Didn't Jimmy Carr also claim the two word joke with (something like) "Dwarf shortage"?
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 1:03 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog stand and says...

Make me one with everything.

He hands the vendor a $20 note. He gets his hot dog and says,

"Where's my change?" and the hot dog vendor says,

"Change must come from within."
posted by MuffinMan at 1:05 PM on August 23, 2010 [19 favorites]

My wife's just been to the West Indies
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:05 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Q. How many non sequiturs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Pork chop.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

I like the jokes where animals walk into bars and say odd things, because, I mean, c'mon? a talking animal? who drinks?
posted by .kobayashi. at 1:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

My wife's just been to south west England.
In Dorset?
She thought it was OK, but not that great.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:07 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

I just went to Florida with my wife.
To Tampa?
What I did with her is none of your business.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:09 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Darth Vader approaches Luke Skywalker and says, dramatically, 'Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.'

'Noooooooooooooooo!' screams Luke. 'That's not true! That's impossible! How could you?'

Darth Vader says, 'I felt your presents.'
posted by shakespeherian at 1:10 PM on August 23, 2010 [37 favorites]

Astro Zombie, I often have a problem with South Park for that very reason. Sure, most of their audience know you're being oh-so-very ironic, or claiming to be, with your hilarious Chinese/Japanese/non-specific accents, but try telling that to those being bullied as a result.

That shit was completely unacceptable in the UK, post-Benny Hill. Now, especially since Team America and its ohoho Kim Jong Il pupppet, you hear the likes of Ian Hislop, Matt Lucas and Jimmy Carr doing comedy Chinese accents on prime time television.
posted by Quantum's Deadly Fist at 1:14 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Seen on a bathroom wall:

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: For drizzle.
posted by dry white toast at 1:20 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

I've never been good at one liners. Apparently neither are comedians.

Maria Bamford has one I like in her act (her delivery -- sorta chipper -- helps)
"I don't think of myself as depressed so much as, paralyzed with hope!"
posted by msalt at 1:28 PM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]

According to my fading memory a Guinness Book of World Records my Grandpa used to havem as well as this Wikipedia report, the Kipling joke was part of the best-ever selling postcard.

And the author, Donald McGill, seems to have hundreds of illustrated "saucy" one-liners.
posted by chavenet at 1:29 PM on August 23, 2010

everyone knows that being a vegan gives you super powers.

more like Super Poo-ers!
posted by inigo2 at 1:32 PM on August 23, 2010

"Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: For drizzle."

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 1:34 PM on August 23, 2010 [38 favorites]

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog stand and says...

Make me one with everything.

He hands the vendor a $20 note. He gets his hot dog and says,

"Where's my change?" and the hot dog vendor says,

"Change must come from within."

I just purchased a Buddhist vacuum cleaner.

It comes with no attachments.
posted by donovan at 1:51 PM on August 23, 2010 [14 favorites]

you hear the likes of Ian Hislop, Matt Lucas and Jimmy Carr doing comedy Chinese accents on prime time television.

It's not inherently racist to do a foreign accent for comedic effect provided it relates to the story. The problem comes when someone does the accent in order to further a stereotype-- if a comedian does a faux-Chinese accent to present a character who's conniving or obsequious or something, that's awful. But someone telling a story about an incident in another country or about their Very Ethnic parents isn't necessarily racist. It's almost always lazy, but not always racist.

Imitations of foreign accents is a very strange phenomenon, at least around where I live. Faux Canadian, Irish, English, German or French and no one's uncomfortable. Someone slips into a Russian or Caribbean accent and someone else will invariably nervously look around to see who might overhear. Anything else and people jump in to interrupt and change the subject (including myself). And it's really odd, because the only group who are generally abused while being imitated are the French and Germans, and no one cares. No one I know would dare to imitate a Chinese speaker of English while doing a Krusty-style "me so solly" bit, but if someone affects a German accent the subject matter is invariably fascism or paraphilia. Perhaps in some very sensitive social circles it's not permissable to do foreign accents at all , but I've seen this in pretty far-ranging groups.

I don't think it's a huge problem that Must Be Solved; I think it's a fascinating Sociolinguistic phenomenon.
posted by Mayor Curley at 1:53 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

What's new?

C over lambda!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:54 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre?

The punchlines are too long.
posted by brundlefly at 2:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [91 favorites]

Knock Knock

Who's There?

The police. Your wife has been in a terrible accident.
posted by empath at 2:03 PM on August 23, 2010 [15 favorites]

the worst joke strikes me as meriting being in the top ten, maybe dropped because its so short, only 8 words.
posted by tustinrick at 2:03 PM on August 23, 2010

In my book ... 'The Master of One Liners' is Steven Wright.*
posted by ericb at 2:04 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender whether they do cocktails.

The bartender nodded, so the woman asked for a double entendre.

The barman gave her one.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 2:05 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre?

The punchlines are too long.

That is simply breathtaking.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:05 PM on August 23, 2010

Jokes (by Andy Richter).
posted by shakespeherian at 2:07 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What's clear and smell's like worms?

Bird Farts

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Never mind. I'm sorry. I should stop there.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 2:11 PM on August 23, 2010

"How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

This one cracked me up for some reason.
posted by sveskemus at 2:14 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Q: What's big, green, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, will kill you?

A: A pool table.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:15 PM on August 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

I read through all of the top ten, hoping as I always do that the year's list will make me chuckle. I wondered at strange turns of phrase, tried to understand obscure cultural references, and persevered through vaguely offensive one-liners about eating disorders. Like I said, I was hoping these would make me laugh, but unfortunately.....no pun in ten did.

Sorry. I've been saving that one for a long time.
posted by msbrauer at 2:16 PM on August 23, 2010 [31 favorites]

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog stand and says...

Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor hand the Dalai Lama his hot dog and says:
"Here you are."
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 2:31 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

A boiled egg is hard to beat.
posted by twirlypen at 2:33 PM on August 23, 2010

There's a strain of meanness in contemporary comedy that hopefully people will grow out of. It's true in most comedy scenes I have seen.

I have a trickle down theory of idiocy. I think if somebody well-regarded misbehaves subtly, it will siphon down through layers of fools until, when it comes out the bottom after a year or so, it's nothing but pure bile.

I dunno, Astro Z: I think I subscribe to a trickle up theory of meanness in humor/comedy that has always been there and will probably always be there. I think that the playground versions of homophobic jokes have been around forever, and that the 40 year old Virgin's "you know how I know you're gay" is a distillation that improves on the bluntness of the playground versions, but at heart still rely on the fear of latency felt by most--American, anyway--males. To an extent, having Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen say them while also subtly portraying men who seem to really have an underlying attraction between them acts as sort of a Lenny Bruce-ian disarming of the power of that sort of joke.

One reason I can't subscribe to the trickle-down theory (and I have had to put my brain on hold b/c it wants to tell about 10 really nasty trickle-down jokes) is that psychological, sociological, and language studies dating back to at least Siggy Freud make claims that anger, fear, and repression/suppression are at the heart of humor, and it is our discomfort that makes us laugh. Gershon Legman's The Rationale of the Dirty Joke was the first book I read that put forth the theory that misogyny was at the root of most erotic humor, and he along with Vance Randolph among others collected "dirty" limericks and folktales that were passed down (or up) generation after generation of hill and valley folks.

Medieval scholars point to Chaucer as the chronicler of the first bawdy jokes in the English language. Little has changed since. (Oh, and by that, I am not making any claim that dirty jokes originated in English, I am pretty sure that there was the following time line: Day zero-First vocal utterance understood as communication between two hominids. Day 1-First dirty joke. Day 1.1: First fist fight.) And that brings up another point. The brilliant Legman was heavily censored in America, not because he wrote about sex difference as the basis of humor, but that he (correctly) noted that American culture was overly permissive of graphic violence and overly repressive of erotica (Love and Death 1949).

Sorry for the tl:dr treatise, and I add a caveat that I think that much of what passes for humor is base, hurtful, and sophomoric, but I can't buy the theory that Hollywood is making us tell rude jokes.
posted by beelzbubba at 2:34 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

I like the jokes where animals walk into bars and say odd things, because, I mean, c'mon? a talking animal? who drinks?

A dog walks up to the foreman at a construction site asks, "hey, do you have any work for me?"

Forman says, "no… but have you tried the circus?"

Dog replies, "Circus? What do they need with a plumber?"
posted by jacobian at 2:36 PM on August 23, 2010 [12 favorites]

A man walks into a bar. So I bit him.
for klangklangston
posted by beelzbubba at 2:45 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry.
posted by The Bellman at 2:45 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper says "No, I'm afraid not".

I'm new to this "joke" thing. How did I do?
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:49 PM on August 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

What's red and lies in the gutter?
A dead bus.
posted by randomination at 2:49 PM on August 23, 2010

i wanted to be a juggler when i grew up, but my family never owned 3 of anything
posted by kitchenrat at 2:56 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Man walks into a fishmonger's with a large cod under his arm. Says, "Do you do fishcakes?" Fishmonger nods. "Great," says the man, "can you make him one? It's his birthday."
posted by Catseye at 3:26 PM on August 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

Damn, fishcake joke's gone.

What's ET short for?
Coz he's got little legs.
posted by reynir at 3:41 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

I love Tim Vine. He's best taken in small doses, I'll admit, but the sheer volume of puns is what makes it amazing. He tends to stay the right side of offensive, while sometimes pushing it just a bit. For example, he relates the story of how he went down to the local branch of the RSPCA (ASPCA, for American readers). Apparently, their offices are tiny - you couldn't swing a cat in there.
posted by ZsigE at 3:45 PM on August 23, 2010

Thread needs more netbros.
posted by maxwelton at 3:49 PM on August 23, 2010

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
posted by sciencegeek at 3:59 PM on August 23, 2010

A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic, and his drinking is destroying his health and tearing his family apart. He will die alone, and full of regret.
posted by empath at 4:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [19 favorites]

A baby seal walks into a club.

Oh! Poor baby seal.
posted by Haruspex at 4:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To become a Necroscope!
posted by Gator at 4:06 PM on August 23, 2010

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "the High Balls are on me."
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:13 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

There were two peanuts crossing the street, and one of them was a salted.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:13 PM on August 23, 2010

Duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any bread?"
The barman says "No, we don't have bread, we are a bar"
Duck: "Got any bread?"
Barman: "I told you, we got no bread. This is a bar, we serve drinks!"
Duck: "Got any bread?"
Barman: F*k&n hell, No! And if you ask for bread one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: "Got any nails?"
Barman: Grrr! No I haven't got any fuckin' nails!
Duck: Got any bread?"
posted by Kerasia at 4:16 PM on August 23, 2010 [12 favorites]

A man walks into a bar. Suddenly, the earth disappears.
posted by telstar at 4:17 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

A man walks into a bar. Suddenly, the earth disappears.

This must be Thursday.
posted by unregistered_animagus at 4:50 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

A woman gets into a taxi. The driver asks, "Where to?" and the woman says, "Do you know a good place to get scrod?"
The cab driver starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" the woman asks.
"Nothing," the cab driver says. "It's just that that's the first time I've heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [22 favorites]

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead.
posted by Ratio at 5:04 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

One of our all time favorite jokes has to be told in person for the full effect. It entered the family lexicon years ago, and to this day in our clan, the 'active' punchline is a running joke that needs no further context.

A lonely pirate walks into a pet store and up to the counter.

"I'd like to buy me a pet," he says.

Shopkeeper says, "What about a dog? Only cost you about 20 bucks."

"Nah," says the pirate. "Too expensive."

Shopkeeper offers up a cat.

"Dunno about that whole litterbox thing at sea," says the pirate.

"What about a hamster?" asks the shopkeeper

"Too wee," says the pirate.

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "that basically leaves a parrot. I've got one you can have for $5, but I have to warn you, he's a bit on the profane side."

"Arr, " says the pirate, "I'll take 'im."

So the pirate takes the parrot home and uncovers the cage. Parrot takes one look at him and squawks out "FUCK YOU, YOU ONE-EYED, ONE-LEGGED SON OF A BITCH!"

"ARR!" says the pirate "Ye'll be stayin' covered 'til ye larn some MANNERS!"

So he covers the cage up and leaves him like that for the night. Morning comes, and he uncovers the cage again.

"Well?" asks the pirate

"FUCK YOU, YOU ONE-EYED, ONE-LEGGED SON OF A BITCH!"

"ARRR! A week in the dark it is!" and he covers him up.

A week later, he uncovers the bird.

"Well?" asks the pirate.

"FUCK YOU, YOU ONE-EYED, ONE-LEGGED SON OF A BITCH!"

"ARRRRR! Maybe an hour in the fridge will teach ye!" Into the fridge with the bird. Hour later, he checks on the parrot. Shivering with cold, the bird glares at him and squawks

"F-F-F-FUCK YOU, YOU ONE-EYED, ONE L-L-L-EGGED S-S-SON OF A B-B-BITCH!"

"ARRRRRRR! Into the freezer with ye!" and he tosses the parrot into the freezer.

The next morning, the pirate wakes up and realizes that he forgot to pull the parrot out. He runs into the kitchen, throws open the freezer and, there's the bird, frozen solid.

(cover one eye, stand on one leg and flip off the audience)
posted by jquinby at 5:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Siggy Freud make claims that anger, fear, and repression/suppression are at the heart of humor, and it is our discomfort that makes us laugh.

Yes, I've heard that trotted out by every third-rate humorist trying to justify their meanness. But you can take pain and mold it into something powerful, or into a club used to beat those with less power than you, and that has nothing to do with Freud, and everything to do with how miserable a human being you are.

I like my comedy mean. I am a fan of Joe Orton, and they really didn't come meaner. But his razors came out at petty bureaucrats and psychopaths who abused their positions. Nobody was sharper or meaner than Lenny Bruce, and his targets were generally those who brought misery into this world. A jab at somebody who is already down might be comedy, but it's a wretched sort, and the people who practice it are made more wretched by it, and make the world a bit of a meaner place. I mean, honestly, nobody would cry themselves to sleep if the world, from this moment onward, went without mocking fat girls.

I suppose it can be done. I suppose it could be really clever, really earth shattering, to justify the bullying that lies at its heart. When that jokes about, I shall reverse my position.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:11 PM on August 23, 2010 [12 favorites]

Hedgehogs can't share.
posted by flex at 5:16 PM on August 23, 2010

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes!
posted by Sparx at 5:20 PM on August 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

Did you hear about the couple who got divorced because he threw a trifle on her? She got custody.

Two French Foreign Legionnaires are lost in the desert. They're exhausted, parched and starving. As they reach the crest of a dune, they suddenly see on the other side a bustling market, with lots of stalls and stallholders selling sponge cake, fruit, jelly and custard. One Legionnaire turns to the other and says, "Well! What a surprise! I certainly didn't expect that!"

"Yes," replies his companion. "It is a trifle bazaar."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:23 PM on August 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

"I went into a restaurant and ordered the lobster. The waiter brought it out, I said 'Wait a minute, this lobster's only got one claw.' 'Well he's been in a fight.' I said 'Well bring me the winner.'" - Tommy Cooper
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:26 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

A guy, raised in the heart of Kansas, has heard his whole life about the marvelous seafood in Boston. He saves his money for months, planning one massive trip to Boston that's designed solely around seafood. Finally, the day of the trip arrives. Guy flies into Logan, hops off the plane positively salivating at the prospect of gorging himself on fish. After grabbing his bags, he steps outside and flags down a taxi.

"'Scuse me, sir," guy says to the taxi driver, "do you know where I might get scrod?"

"Buddy," says the Southie, born and bred, "I been asked that question by a lotta folks in a lotta different ways, but never in the future subjunctive."
posted by shiu mai baby at 5:26 PM on August 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

I'm still not sure why an acrylic elephant is the trophy

Because the acrylic puffin was in rehab.
posted by fleacircus at 5:43 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

A mute guy walks into a bar and says
posted by krakedhalo at 6:00 PM on August 23, 2010

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says I hear you have a drink named after me.

As it happens, we have a drink named Larry, says the bartender.

The grasshopper gives the bartender a good glassing, leaving him cut and bleeding. Nobody calls me Larry, the grasshopper says. My name is Lawrence.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Ratio: "Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead."

Q: Why did the bird fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the monkey.
posted by pineapple at 6:08 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

A frog walks (OK, hops) into a library and goes up to the desk, to ask the librarian (who happens to be a chicken) to recommend him a good book to read. Problem is, the chicken keeps coming up with stuff he's already read.

Every time, the chicken says "Book?" and the frog says "read it."
posted by ZsigE at 6:14 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog stand and says...

Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor hand the Dalai Lama his hot dog and says:
"Here you are."

This cracked me up for some reason.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:39 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Guy walks into a bar - ouch.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:40 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Siggy Freud make claims that anger, fear, and repression/suppression are at the heart of humor, and it is our discomfort that makes us laugh.

Yes, I've heard that trotted out by every third-rate humorist trying to justify their meanness. But you can take pain and mold it into something powerful, or into a club used to beat those with less power than you, and that has nothing to do with Freud, and everything to do with how miserable a human being you are.

I like my comedy mean. I am a fan of Joe Orton, and they really didn't come meaner. But his razors came out at petty bureaucrats and psychopaths who abused their positions. Nobody was sharper or meaner than Lenny Bruce, and his targets were generally those who brought misery into this world. A jab at somebody who is already down might be comedy, but it's a wretched sort, and the people who practice it are made more wretched by it, and make the world a bit of a meaner place. I mean, honestly, nobody would cry themselves to sleep if the world, from this moment onward, went without mocking fat girls.

I suppose it can be done. I suppose it could be really clever, really earth shattering, to justify the bullying that lies at its heart. When that jokes about, I shall reverse my position.

To quote Gabe from PA, 'Offensive humour is fine until you're actually offended.'
posted by Sebmojo at 6:44 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

They're not laughing now.

courtesy of Bob Monkhouse
posted by Len at 6:50 PM on August 23, 2010 [18 favorites]

A grasshopper hops into a bar, and the bartender mumbles something but the grasshopper couldn't hear him. He rubs his legs together and makes that sound that grasshoppers make and then hops out. Another fellow at the bar asks why the grasshopper left, and what did he want. The bartender mumbles something, but the fellow couldn't hear him.

To this day, no one knows why the grasshopper left.
posted by jefbla at 6:53 PM on August 23, 2010

Charles Dickens walks into a bar, and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, olive or twist?
posted by Ella Fynoe at 6:58 PM on August 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

Hitler walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" Hitler replies, "I'll take the Sudetenland."
posted by klausness at 7:04 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?

In a rack (Iraq)!
posted by robotot at 7:32 PM on August 23, 2010

What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Moffet have in common?

They both have curds in their whey.
posted by shesdeadimalive at 7:54 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Ratio:Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead.

Pineapple: Q: Why did the bird fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the monkey.

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.
posted by Lucinda at 7:58 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

What does Snoop Dogg use to get rid of stubborn stains?
Bliotch.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 8:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

ORthey and I make these up and put them on the internet, here.

Here's one we didn't:

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre
posted by wemayfreeze at 8:57 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

(cover one eye, stand on one leg and flip off the audience)

I heard this joke as "One-Eyed Jerk Off"
posted by empath at 9:06 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

We were so poor when I grew up that on pavlova night we used to eat the mix right from the little plastic egg.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:10 PM on August 23, 2010

A red Ferrari is always faster than a black one.
posted by peeedro at 9:42 PM on August 23, 2010

Your mamma's so fat that her doctor sternly advised her to lose some weight or else she's risking developing type 2 diabetes and heart problems.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:45 PM on August 23, 2010

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.
posted by chavenet at 11:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

We had a young lady tell the whole thing when we asked her to tell us a joke during a job interview, could not stop laughing.

Also:

So this dyslexic walk into a bra...
posted by Menthol at 11:21 PM on August 23, 2010

A watched boil never pops.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:27 PM on August 23, 2010

To quote Gabe from PA, 'Offensive humour is fine until you're actually offended.'

Funny you should bring that up.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 11:40 PM on August 23, 2010

A man walks into the doctor's office wearing nothing but clingfilm around his loins.
The doctor says "I can clearly see you're nuts."
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 12:32 AM on August 24, 2010

In the UK it's quite common for pubs to give you a numbered spoon...

English humor ... I thought as much. Well OK, then, here's two of those I recall from when I was young and impressionable.

A mugger comes up to a Scotsman and says "Your money or your life!" The Scotsman wrinkles his brow, then says "Take me life, I needs me money for me old age."

An Irish drunk is standing on the sidewalk with his hat out. As a well-dressed man approaches, he purrs "May the angel of the lord follow ye all the days of yer life!" The rich man sneers and sails by. The drunk roars "AND NEVER OVERTAKE YE!"
posted by Twang at 12:37 AM on August 24, 2010

A blind man walks into a bar.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:10 AM on August 24, 2010

Q: Why did the Mexican strangle his wife?
A: Tequila!

Lee-core?!

I don-even knowerrrrrrrr
posted by BoatMeme at 1:28 AM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Two baby seals walk into a club.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:44 AM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Why did Ernest Hemingway cross the road?

To die. In the rain.
posted by tzikeh at 1:58 AM on August 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

And, of course...

"Seventeen!"
no one laughs
"You're not telling it right."
posted by tzikeh at 1:59 AM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Nitrogen, Carbon, and Oxygen are in a bar. Gold walks in and bartenders says, "Au, get out!"
posted by numberstation at 2:13 AM on August 24, 2010

Sandwich walks into a bar, says gimme a beer. Barman says sorry, we don't serve food in here.
posted by h00py at 3:15 AM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm a bit late to this party. But here goes.

In these summer months I can't seem to stop greeting people informally.

Yes, I have hey! fever.
posted by TheAlarminglySwollenFinger at 3:20 AM on August 24, 2010

chavenet: Why do elephants have flat feet?

It's a little known fact that the popularity of telephonic elephant jokes amongst cultured people in the UK and its dominions led to a premium service known as a "trunk call." It behooves a modern person of letters to maintain an exhaustive reference.
posted by vanar sena at 4:18 AM on August 24, 2010

"In these summer months I can't seem to stop greeting people informally.

Yes, I have hey! fever."

Garrison Keilor? (just guessing)
posted by empath at 6:27 AM on August 24, 2010

Two atoms are walking down the street and one trips. The one still standing helps his friend up and asks "Are you all right?"

The other atom stands and brushes himself off. "Yeah, I'm fine... hey, wait a minute, I've lost an electron!"

The first atom says, "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:44 AM on August 24, 2010

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: (derisively) You don't know?!
posted by shakespeherian at 7:16 AM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Faux Canadian, Irish, English, German or French and no one's uncomfortable. Someone slips into a Russian or Caribbean accent and someone else will invariably nervously look around to see who might overhear. Anything else and people jump in to interrupt and change the subject (including myself).

Possibly related to perceived power vs perceived lack thereof. Similarly, movie villains can be WASP or British or German, but if of the Lesser Races, someone will complain.
posted by IndigoJones at 7:50 AM on August 24, 2010

A masochist tells a sadist: "Hurt me." The sadist replies: "No!"
posted by kmz at 8:25 AM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

How do you turn a rubber duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
posted by jonnyploy at 9:07 AM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

Siggy Freud make claims that anger, fear, and repression/suppression are at the heart of humor, and it is our discomfort that makes us laugh.

Yes, I've heard that trotted out by every third-rate humorist trying to justify their meanness. But you can take pain and mold it into something powerful, or into a club used to beat those with less power than you, and that has nothing to do with Freud, and everything to do with how miserable a human being you are.

I don't disagree with this, AZ, but it rather missed the point of what I said. Any pissant can misuse Freud as justification of their meanness, and yes, we ought not make fun of those with less power/charm/wealth than ourselves, but I argue that this is not a top down learned formula, but rather a local, pervasive, been-here-since-Moses-wore-diapers occurrence. I cited Freud to show that the observation--which imo is still completely valid--that humor or The Joke is a something that originates in some cases, but surely not exclusively, from seeking an advantage over another because of something we fear, is an observation not even new in Freud's time. People make fun of other people not because they see it being done on the Big Screen. That may give them new ammo, but it is not the cause.

The comic who justifies his meanness because of Freud is one who a) probably reads too much and b) simultaneously lacks a dick while being one.
posted by beelzbubba at 10:17 AM on August 24, 2010

So there's this penguin hanging out in the National Zoo, just doing his regular penguin business. One day, he decides he's had enough of the penguin pen, and needs a vacation.. he breaks out of the zoo during the night, grabs a map, rents a car, and decides to go on a cross-country road trip to see the sights.

He tours the coast for a little bit, checking out a couple of the big cities, before he sets off west to try and get to California. Unfortunately, somewhere around New Mexico his rental car starts choking up, and it dies right as he rolls into a tiny little stopover town - barely more than an intersection with a few stores around it. Luckily for the penguin, one of the shops is a service garage, so he waddles over to get some help. The mechanic pops around and gives the car a once over. "Come back in an hour, I'll let you know what I find."

So to fill the time, the penguin goes to check out the rest of the (tiny, tiny) town. About the only thing of note is the ice cream parlor across the street from the garage. The penguin was pretty unused to the New Mexico heat, and some ice cream sounded like just the thing to cool him off. He went in, clambered onto a stool with some difficulty, and ordered a double vanilla cone. It was delicious, but messy - penguin flippers aren't the most adept tools for manipulating heaped-high ice cream cones, and by the time he was finished there was ice cream everywhere. Just at that moment, a kid comes in the parlor door. "Mr. Penguin, the mechanic says your car's ready if you want to come by!"

Hopping off the stool, the penguin comes right back to the garage, eager to get back on the road. "So what's the problem?" he asks the mechanic as he steps up to the car. "Well," says the mechanic, "it looks to me like you blew a seal."

The penguin is taken dreadfully aback for a moment; then he looks down and laughs - "Ohhh no, nothing like that - this is just ice cream!"
posted by FatherDagon at 11:47 AM on August 24, 2010 [6 favorites]

"Ohhh no, nothing like that - this is just ice cream!"

This joke is like a truck. I could see it coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:50 AM on August 24, 2010

I was the same way with the frog loan thing. I knew by the second line what was going to happen, but I had to see it out all the way to the end to provide closure, like the state execution of the guy that killed my family. But a little funnier.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:53 AM on August 24, 2010

On second thought, that joke was more like a seal-- I could see it coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:57 AM on August 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

Why did the egg cross the road?

It had an inclination.
posted by freecellwizard at 12:31 PM on August 24, 2010

empath: "Knock Knock

Who's There?

The police. Your wife has been in a terrible accident."

The police. Your wife has been in a terrible accident, who?
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 12:34 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

So there's this penguin hanging out in the National Zoo, just doing his regular penguin business.

There's no penguins at the National Zoo. I suspect that entire story is made up!
posted by inigo2 at 12:48 PM on August 24, 2010

The police. Your wife has been in a terrible accident, who?

MOOOO!

Crap, I'm late.
posted by Gator at 12:56 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I love all the interrupting knock-knock jokes: Starfish, sloth, giraffe, cow.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:57 PM on August 24, 2010

Interrupting Starfish wh-
posted by edbles at 1:18 PM on August 24, 2010

(slaps hand with splayed fingers on edbles's face)
posted by shakespeherian at 1:30 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Because six inches would look stupid.
posted by Hogshead at 1:32 PM on August 24, 2010

(slaps hand with splayed fingers on edbles's face)

Oh thank God. I thought we were going to lose our PG rating there for a second.
posted by ODiV at 1:51 PM on August 24, 2010

I thought we were going to lose our PG rating there for a second.

What the fuck makes you think Metafilter has a PG rating?
posted by edbles at 1:54 PM on August 24, 2010

Cow and starfish I'm familiar with, but how do you do interrupting giraffe? Or sloth? (Do I want to know?)
posted by sonika at 3:27 PM on August 24, 2010

*knock knock*

Who's there?

Hello? Anybody there?

Hello?!??

(muttering: stupid kids!)

*goes back to watching TV*

*a few hours pass; goes to bed*

INTERRUPTING SLOTH!
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:57 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Interrupting giraffe:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interrupting giraffe.

Interrupting gir-

*EXAGGERATED CHEWING MOTIONS*

Interrupting sloth:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interrupting sloth.

Interrupting sloth who? (Typically this person has heard the cow variety so they sort of instinctively slow down to allow you to interrupt, but you do not)

....

...

..

*slowly move arm and stick out three fingers*
posted by shakespeherian at 4:32 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Knock Knock

Who's There?

The police. Your wife has been in a terrible accident."

The police. Your wife has been in a terrible accident, who?

The police. Your wife has been in a terrible accident and she is dead along with your children.
posted by empath at 4:53 PM on August 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It’s a pretty obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
posted by Splunge at 5:43 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Two dogs walk into a bar. One dog goes "ouch!" and the other dog goes "Holy shit, I didn't know dogs could talk!"
posted by I-baLL at 6:26 PM on August 24, 2010

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It’s a pretty obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

That joke was a lot cooler before everyone heard it.
posted by inigo2 at 7:08 PM on August 24, 2010 [3 favorites]

I won't bother telling the whole thing. It's long and involved. But I'm sure you can reconstruct the joke from the punchline:

The sum of the squaw and the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws with the other two hides.
posted by hippybear at 7:34 PM on August 24, 2010

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Candleja-"
"Candleja-"
posted by tzikeh at 8:24 PM on August 24, 2010

Oh - hippybear -

Now has the vintner of our discotheque made Gloria's summer by this ton of pork.
posted by tzikeh at 8:25 PM on August 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

tzikeh: if I could favorite that a zillion times I would. :D :D :D

Because, you see... only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
posted by hippybear at 8:54 PM on August 24, 2010

What happens if you're an agnostic dyslexic insomniac? You stay nights wondering if there really is a dog.
posted by Daddy-O at 9:58 PM on August 24, 2010

Silly rabbi--kicks are for Trids!
posted by tzikeh at 11:00 PM on August 24, 2010

And people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

I'm here all week!
posted by tzikeh at 11:00 PM on August 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Also, Hans that wash dishes can be soft as Gervaise with wild green hairy-lip squid.
posted by Catseye at 1:27 AM on August 25, 2010

Hans that wash dishes can be soft as Gervaise with wild green hairy-lip squid.

My GCSE Geography teacher told us that joke in stages over the course of an entire year. Oddly enough, at the time, the punchline was worth the wait.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 2:04 AM on August 25, 2010

Two Alban's fatties special-sawed cheese caused those pickled bunions on Sesame Street's nun.
posted by shiu mai baby at 3:24 AM on August 25, 2010

Knock knock

Who's there?

I eat mop.

I eat mop who?

tee hee
posted by inigo2 at 4:50 AM on August 25, 2010 [4 favorites]

Hans that wash dishes can be soft as Gervaise with wild green hairy-lip squid.

Please to help understand.
posted by edbles at 5:11 AM on August 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Two Alban's fatties special-sawed cheese caused those pickled bunions on Sesame Street's nun.

Ha! I heard it as "Two obese Pattys, "special" Ross, and Leonard Meese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."
posted by hippybear at 5:18 AM on August 25, 2010

Hans that wash dishes can be soft as Gervaise with wild green hairy-lip squid.

Please to help understand.

More British humour, I'm afraid - it's a take-off of Fairy Liquid's old advertising jingle.
posted by ZsigE at 5:39 AM on August 25, 2010

Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
posted by empath at 5:45 AM on August 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

More British humour, I'm afraid - it's a take-off of Fairy Liquid's old advertising jingle.

That was fucking terrifying. The mom was totally about to snap. "They keep your hands clean and pretty and you know what happens to little girls who don't have pretty hands...."
posted by edbles at 5:54 AM on August 25, 2010

I left my harp in Stan Fran's disco.
posted by albrecht at 6:37 AM on August 25, 2010

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Is it Ghostbusters II?
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:41 AM on August 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Amsterdam phone, will ya?
The knee bone's Schenectady the thigh bone.
Juarez hell?
My sister stole all my Halloween candy, and I hope it'll Rotterdam teeth out.
Armageddon tired of all these pun. All this effort and still no one will hire me for a Punjab.
posted by beelzbubba at 9:01 AM on August 25, 2010

If the foo shits, wear it.
posted by klausness at 12:02 PM on August 25, 2010

Paging user talkingmuffin to the thread.
posted by clavicle at 2:34 PM on August 25, 2010

It's the end of the thread, but still:

Better Nate than lever.
posted by tzikeh at 2:06 AM on August 26, 2010

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
posted by mreleganza at 8:33 AM on August 26, 2010

"That was no ladle! That was my knife!"
posted by jenkinsEar at 10:57 AM on August 26, 2010

... and when the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole!
posted by sonika at 11:05 AM on August 26, 2010

I left my harp in Stan Fran's disco.

Sam Clam's disco, jeesh.
posted by tristeza at 4:43 PM on August 26, 2010

My father used to tend bar at the local veterans club, and he had lots of stories about the guys who drank there. One of his regulars, a doctor, would show up every day about 5:30 and order an almond daiquiri. Well, after a while they got to be friends, and come 5:30 my dad would have the doctor's almond daiquiri waiting for him at the bar.

One evening, about 5:25, my father was starting to put together his friend's daiquiri like usual when he realized he was out of almonds. After panicking for a moment, he decided to use some hickory nuts instead and hope the doctor didn't notice.

At 5:30, my father's friend walked in like usual, took his place at the bar and began sipping his drink. My father watched nervously. After a minute or so, the doctor looked him in the eye. "Say, what'd you put in this drink? It doesn't taste one bit like almonds."

My father could only reply: "Hickory daiquiri, doc."
posted by cirripede at 5:25 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

A family of a mother, a father, and three children are spending the day at the beach. The father and the kids are building a sand castle while the mother relaxes nearby. After a while, the eldest daughter approaches.

"Mom," she says, "Why is my name Rose?"

"Well," mom replies, "When you were young, we couldn't decide a name. Then a single rose petal fell on your head one day, and we took it as a sign." Satisfied, Rose goes back to building the sand castle.

Not long after, the middle daughter approaches. "Mom," she says, "Why is my name Violet?"

"Well," the mom explains again, "When you were young, we also couldn't decide on a name. Then one day a single violet petal fell on your head, and that's when we knew." Satisfied like her sister, Rose returns to the sand castle.

After a while, the youngest son toddles the distance toward his mother. "Mom," he says, "NURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH".

The father looks up and screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, CINDERBLOCK."

(an old old joke i like to butcher)
posted by shadytrees at 6:22 PM on August 26, 2010 [4 favorites]

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a mop.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:05 AM on August 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mickey is on the stand at the Mouse v Mouse divorce hearing. He says, "Oh no, Judge - I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking Goofy!"
posted by dirtdirt at 11:16 AM on August 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jesus decided to visit his old buddy St. Peter. He strolled out to the Pearly Gates and noticed a long line of people waiting to get in. St. Peter was ecstatic to see him. "Oh, thank God -- err, I mean 'thank YOU' -- someone showed up!"

"Listen, Jesus, there's a huge line of people out here. I'm beat. Could you take over for a few minutes so I can take a break? I'd be ever so grateful!"

St. Peter went off for a smoke-and-a-poke.

Jesus handled the line of people, yakking it up, as he processed those able to clear the entry requirements.

Eventually the line dwindled to one tired, old man.

Jesus: "So, what did you do for a living when on Earth?"

"I was a carpenter," the old man replied.

Jesus's ears pricked up. "Ah," he said. "Did you have a wife or any children?"

"I had one son, but I lost him."

Jesus continued: "Ah, a terrible loss. Tell me, what did he look like?"

"Well," said the old man, "he looked just like any other boy, I guess, except he had nails and holes in his hands and his feet."

Jesus flung his arms in the air. "DAD?"

"PINOCCHIO?"

posted by ericb at 11:43 AM on August 27, 2010 [4 favorites]

And this from netbros last November:

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church. Never heard of it. Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

posted by ericb at 11:46 AM on August 27, 2010 [3 favorites]

ow many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It’s a pretty obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

That joke was a lot cooler before everyone heard it.

Pssh! lekvar has that joke on vinyl.
posted by namewithoutwords at 12:00 PM on August 27, 2010

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Knock knock

..Who's there?

KNOCK KNOCK

....WHO'S THERE???

KNOCK KNOCK!!

WHO THE FUCK IS THERE?

....until they say Knock Knock who?
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 11:41 AM on August 28, 2010

Unfortunately, somewhere around New Mexico his rental car starts choking up, and it dies right as he rolls into a tiny little stopover town - barely more than an intersection with a few stores around it. Luckily for the penguin, one of the shops is a service garage, so he waddles over to get some help. The mechanic pops around and gives the car a once over. "Come back in an hour, I'll let you know what I find."

by wild coincidence, I have also been to Chris's Service Station in Tucumcari under very similar circumstances. In my case, I had followed a watery gas tanker from Oklahoma, across the Texas panhandle and into New Mexico, with my antique VW lurching and coughing from all the water in the fuel.
I sputtered my way into Chris's (where my story was met - understandably in New Mexico - with more than a little skepticism) and he took a look in the tank and said, "Naw, naw, any water you got in that tank, I'll drink it!"

Then he proceeded to pump the contents of my fuel tank onto the apron of his service station. The concrete pad was instantly covered with silvery bubbles of water as the fluid ran toward the collection drain.

"Mickey," he called to his assistant, "go get me a glass!"

Then we went over to Ken's for an ice cream while we waited for Chris to finish blowing out the lines.
posted by toodleydoodley at 11:32 AM on August 29, 2010

The Guardian: Why did Edinburgh's comedy award settle for second best? "By choosing Russell Kane over Bo Burnham, the judges missed a trick. Isn't it time they rewarded a comic with genuine originality?"
posted by Kattullus at 10:20 PM on August 29, 2010

The Guardian: Why did Edinburgh's comedy award settle for second best?

I hope that Russel Kane & Bo Burnham weren't the only two choices, because I got barely a chuckle out of either of them. Who else was in the running? 'Cause I've heard funnier things from Pope Benedict.
posted by beelzbubba at 10:06 AM on August 30, 2010

Here's one I just made up.

What do Japanese miilitary dictators yell out when they are clamoring to sit in the front passenger seat?

"Shogun!"
posted by mreleganza at 4:03 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

3 minutes or so from Bob Burnham's Edinburgh routine.
posted by Kattullus at 11:12 PM on September 7, 2010

Bob? Bo Burnham. Oh for an edit window.
posted by Kattullus at 11:13 PM on September 7, 2010

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