Fragapatti, Son of Jehovih!

August 30, 2010 3:08 PM

Oahspe is what might have resulted if L. Ron Hubbard took so much ketamine he time-phased into 1882. The product of an automatic-writing ex-prospector dentist, the 900-page tome includes submerged continents, bizarre dictionaries, and plenty of space travel.

The history of Oahspe reads like a parody of the Latter-Day Saints, complete with a fascination with faux hieroglyphics and a wild-west Utopian colony. There are still a few Oahspe followers (or "Faithists") left.

NB: the "Hints to the Reader" are singularly unhelpful.

posted by theodolite (19 comments total)

Because I always leave something out: the full text of Oahspe is also available on Google Books, for those who prefer their incoherent space angel adventures with the original formatting.
posted by theodolite at 3:16 PM on August 30, 2010

Thor: God of Wartz

Awesome.

Can I change my MeFi user name?
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:30 PM on August 30, 2010

More like McTeague's bible, no?
posted by chavenet at 3:48 PM on August 30, 2010

All of the sacred esoteric texts have a shroud of inscrutability, a kind of cosmic encryption algorithm, which appears to those who are not yet ready to be initiated. (see also: The Secret Doctrine.) I wouldn't worry about it. Anyway: wouldn't some ice cream be nice right now?
posted by naju at 3:50 PM on August 30, 2010

I was looking at this manuscript on sacred-texts.com not a week ago, but I couldn't make head nor tail of it. Look what you see on the first page of the text:

APOLOGY: "The universe is full; all things are members. Speech they have: bid them speak. The recorder of the words be thou. Such is Panic (Earth) language, the first language. What saith the bird? the beast? the stars? the sun? All? It is their souls speaking."

Why is it panic...?! Is it an English word? Is this God's apology to his creatures, or...?! Why is God so confused? Well, congratulations on discovering these interesting points.
posted by shii at 4:29 PM on August 30, 2010

"Self-abnegation and purity should be the motto and discipline of every one capable of angel communion."
posted by shoesfullofdust at 4:30 PM on August 30, 2010

I really like the bit where he's trying to grapple with the new technology:

I was directed to get a typewriter, which writes by keys, like a piano. This I did, and I applied myself industriously to learn 'it, but with only indifferent success. For two years more the angels propounded to me questions relative to heaven and earth, which no mortal could answer very intelligently. I always look back on those two years as an enigma.

Was it the typewriter or the angels that confounded him?
posted by shoesfullofdust at 4:38 PM on August 30, 2010

Such is Panic (Earth) language

Why is it panic...?!

I think he means "the language of Pan", which the birds, beasts, et al. speak in their souls.
posted by naju at 4:42 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Meh, it's no Book of Urantia.
posted by signal at 5:16 PM on August 30, 2010

I think he means "the language of Pan",

In any case, the Hitchhiker's Guide explicitly tells us to avoid talking in that language.
posted by qvantamon at 5:28 PM on August 30, 2010

Yeah, I was going to mention Urantia. Try out project Blue Beam, and the split in the Urantia community, partially led by a US Air Force General. Then there is this prime example of internet conspiracy blather, with so many familiar names and convincing time lines, that it is easy to read, but then again, incomprehensible, which circles back to Oahspe. Only the most soft and gullible hippies went for Oahspe, I knew some of them.

My eternal question, of course, with all this worship-fullness (as Han Solo once called Leia) where is the love? Why do Gods always have to be so mean? Why did they make coal, instead of fusion heaters? What did the dinosaurs do to become our fuel? Oh never mind.
posted by Oyéah at 6:15 PM on August 30, 2010

I think Urantia is profoundly boring, but I guess it's a matter of taste.
posted by theodolite at 6:19 PM on August 30, 2010

Boring is a charitable description of both works. Then again, I feel the same way about many texts from the 19th century, 18th century, and those that pose to be from any era via prophets and other people who are terminally bored with whatever their currently reality is or was.
posted by Oyéah at 6:24 PM on August 30, 2010

But, let us not leave out, Gurdieff's "Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson."
posted by Oyéah at 6:27 PM on August 30, 2010

Hey, but, I was looking at those hieroglyphics and I can't do the square root of fish. I bet if I could figure that out, I could be in business of some kind.
posted by Oyéah at 6:35 PM on August 30, 2010

I hadn't thought about Urantia in years. Had a copy of the book inherited from a weird great-uncle along with lots of classic SF. Going just now to www.urantia.org I see this bit highlighted on the home page:

        Urantia Book Teachings

  "Secularism can never bring peace to
mankind. Nothing can take the place of
       God in human society."

The Urantia Book, (2081.6) 195:8.6

Evidently Tony Blair and Pope Benedict have been cribbing their speeches from those guys.
posted by Creosote at 6:45 PM on August 30, 2010

A friend of mine has 5 or 6 Urantia tapes he's copying for me and let me just say I can not wait
posted by jtron at 7:27 PM on August 30, 2010

I find this type of crazy hard to read. I prefer to look at it.
posted by tighttrousers at 9:17 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

But, let us not leave out, Gurdieff's "Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson."

Indeed. Doubt I'll ever finish that book. I've only ever been able to enjoy Gurdjieff through a fine Ouspensky filter. His recordings on the harmonium are really rather haunting and beautiful, though.
posted by grillcover at 1:42 AM on August 31, 2010