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Mind What you Wear
September 3, 2010 5:37 PM   Subscribe

"Keep your man hot. But for when you cannot, Make sure no one else will do it for you. Do not use for birth control!" (Very, very NSFW)
posted by lauratheexplorer (76 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
It warms the cockles of my heart.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 5:43 PM on September 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


I am just itching for one of these.
posted by swift at 5:45 PM on September 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


A look at urban dictionary suggests cockwarmer does not mean what I thought it meant. Oops.
posted by shinybaum at 5:45 PM on September 3, 2010


Did someone mention cockles? Would a a snail shell be close enough? (NSFW)
posted by vespabelle at 5:51 PM on September 3, 2010


I just swiped one of these from my golf bag, you know, the one over the driver.
posted by vito90 at 5:52 PM on September 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


This was a novelty gift when I was a kid--my mom got one for my dad, though it machine made.

It was labeled "The Willy Warmer."
posted by Admiral Haddock at 5:53 PM on September 3, 2010


something something purl necklace.
posted by chococat at 5:53 PM on September 3, 2010 [16 favorites]


Eeeeeeeeeeeee.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:56 PM on September 3, 2010


Willie warmer?
Penis Cozy? (etc)
posted by plinth at 5:59 PM on September 3, 2010


In Wyoming they skip the middleman and just warm it directly in the sheep.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 5:59 PM on September 3, 2010 [20 favorites]


Is this still that idea voting thing?

When I was 8 I thought my dad's joke gift from his friends of one of these was the most hilarious thing I'd ever seen.
posted by maxwelton at 6:01 PM on September 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


Seems incredibly uncomfortable. Even as a joke.
posted by blucevalo at 6:06 PM on September 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


How many back covers of 70's Penthouse magazines were these advertised on?
posted by Trochanter at 6:08 PM on September 3, 2010


In the summer, you need to store it with moth balls.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:09 PM on September 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


25 euro??
posted by Solon and Thanks at 6:11 PM on September 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


In the summer, you need to store it with moth balls.

Um, moth castration is a sore subject. For moths.
posted by iconomy at 6:13 PM on September 3, 2010


Dick in a sock.
posted by schmod at 6:13 PM on September 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


*For her pleasure!
posted by R. Mutt at 6:17 PM on September 3, 2010


Even in Winter
The cock crows as dawn comes up
Granny starts knitting
posted by bwg at 6:20 PM on September 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


I missed the *for* in the FPP which gave this a very weird spin. Do not use birth control!
posted by neuromodulator at 6:21 PM on September 3, 2010 [6 favorites]


schmod: "Dick in a sock."

That could be either a great band name or the handle of a new crime-fighting superhero:

Introducing ...

DICK SOCK!
posted by bwg at 6:22 PM on September 3, 2010


Obligatory RHCP picture.
posted by fartknocker at 6:23 PM on September 3, 2010


It warms the cockles of my heart.

A little trivia: "the cockles of the heart" refers to the valves (specifically the aortic and pulmonary), the leaflets of which resemble cockle shells.
posted by TedW at 6:25 PM on September 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


I dunno, maybe DICK SOCK could be a signature move or something.

WHAM!

BIFF!

DICK SOCK!

Aaargh! You win this time, (Something)-Woman!
posted by Casimir at 6:35 PM on September 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


>
just like grandma used to make...
posted by DavidandConquer at 6:39 PM on September 3, 2010


Also:

Dick Sock: hardboiled private detective.
posted by bwg at 6:40 PM on September 3, 2010


Dick Sock: hardboiled privates detective.
posted by Lou Stuells at 6:45 PM on September 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Sock Dick: East European insult.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:48 PM on September 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm waiting till they make the matching ball-cozy to buy this for my man.
posted by emjaybee at 6:50 PM on September 3, 2010


DICK SOCK!

FLAWLESS VICTORY!
posted by Trochanter at 6:51 PM on September 3, 2010


Are there a lot of cold dicks? I mean, I don't personally have one, and I live in the American South, but this hasn't seemed to be an issue for my husband. Even when we lived in Denver, he never said, "I wish I had a woolen sock for my penis. It's so cold!" Just seems like a solution in search of a problem.
posted by jeoc at 6:54 PM on September 3, 2010


Don't knock the cock sock.

Sorry.
posted by mokeydraws at 7:02 PM on September 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Dick sock? Cock sock surely.
posted by motty at 7:02 PM on September 3, 2010


On non-preview... never mind.
posted by motty at 7:02 PM on September 3, 2010


"Keep your man hot. But for when you cannot"

Aw, thanks honey! I was going to have a hot steamy three-way with some Bulgarian prostitutes in my hotel room but thanks to your thoughtful dick sock I'm all set.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:07 PM on September 3, 2010


A turtleneck might have more utility.
posted by emilyd22222 at 7:11 PM on September 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


This would take about twenty minutes to make yourself, and you can adjust the fit as you go! And you can use up that scrap yarn! This has no downside. Hastily-written crochet instructions follow:

Start with a magic ring. 6 sc in magic ring. 2 sc in each st around. Depending on the yarn and the dimensions of the intended recipient, you can keep working evenly around, or add another round or two of increases (remember to space increase stitches evenly, unless you're trying to accommodate a piercing or something. Continue until you're done. Fasten off, weave in ends, and while you're at it, why not add a pom-pom? Because that would be great.
posted by asperity at 7:15 PM on September 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


If the cock sock is rockin', don't be knockin'
posted by iamkimiam at 7:16 PM on September 3, 2010


Wang Sock
posted by oddman at 7:23 PM on September 3, 2010


"... Do not use for birth control!"

(May cause felting)
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:24 PM on September 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


Extra stuff sock not included.
posted by zippy at 7:26 PM on September 3, 2010


(May cause felting)

NB: do not use wool yarn to make your penis cozy. Because, ow.
posted by asperity at 7:28 PM on September 3, 2010


Cock block sock, use when on the clock, but not the dock. The girls will flock to your bio glock, never leave it in hock. Oh what a jock, to have such a lock, yet ignore the mocks about little knocks. You rock the sock as the day goes tick tock.

That's all I got.
posted by nomadicink at 7:39 PM on September 3, 2010


So wait, this sock doesn't vibrate?!
posted by Babblesort at 7:43 PM on September 3, 2010


I read that as "do not use birth control". I stared at if for some moments thinking (a) why would it follow that someone who makes woolen condoms is opposed to birth control?, and (b) when would someone who wears a woolen condom ever be in a position to need birth control?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:45 PM on September 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


For a second there, I thought this was a link to spencergifts.com...
posted by Ron Thanagar at 8:06 PM on September 3, 2010


step 1: knit a hole in the sock...
posted by strange chain at 8:10 PM on September 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


Previously.
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:37 PM on September 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Previously?

Previously!
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:00 PM on September 3, 2010


My own personal penis cover.
posted by ColdChef at 9:16 PM on September 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Winter Collection 09/11

SOMEbody bought too much Harvest Gold yarn....
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:19 PM on September 3, 2010


So years ago, I did a report on this issue of BUST for school, and the erotica in their "One-handed Read" was all about a girl who knits a guy a cock sweater, which I thought was weird at the time--this was when the whole hipster-girl knitting thing was bleeding-edge and new. I've thought back to that occasionally, about how prescient it was, whenever I've stumbled upon knit things on etsy, and also how random and sort of fundamentally not-erotic it was, too, because I find knit things itchy even when they're on my head, much less my genitals. Well, a few months ago, someone bought me a BUST subscription, and I'm reading through a new issue and I come to the One-handed Read and it's another short story about knitting a cock sweater. Definitely not the same story, but a whole new piece of fiction about a nearly identical merging of neo-housewifery and cocks.

So while, granted, I'm working off a limited sample size, I'm pretty sure I've figured out how to corner BUST's erotic fiction market.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:26 PM on September 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


No, no wait...

Does it come in a turtleneck?
posted by Casimir at 9:41 PM on September 3, 2010


Metafilter: why not add a pom-pom?
posted by yiftach at 9:45 PM on September 3, 2010


Cockholster.
posted by bardic at 10:09 PM on September 3, 2010


Does it come in a turtleneck?

I think it needs a little button-back flap; the way convertible-mittens have, for precise dexterity.

Otherwise, how are you supposed to handle keys in order to unlock doors, let alone open a zipper?
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:17 PM on September 3, 2010


emilyd22222 beat me to it. Nuts.
posted by Casimir at 11:09 PM on September 3, 2010


Penises are funny.
posted by longsleeves at 11:44 PM on September 3, 2010


Cocks in box.
Cocks in socks.

Knocks on cocks in socks in box.

Socks on cocks and knocks in box.

Knocks in socks on box on knocks.



Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this Mr. Knocks, sir....
posted by thusspakeparanoia at 11:57 PM on September 3, 2010


Look what those poor circumcised americans have to resort to.
posted by joost de vries at 12:10 AM on September 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


Circumcised-American.

It sounds like an ethnic group. Ideally with a parade or street festival. I can see it now, catchy music and tasty food at a local church, with rides for the kiddies.

Maybe we can start putting this on the census, instead of "Jedi".
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:20 AM on September 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


In Wyoming they skip the middleman and just warm it directly in the sheep.

Ewe are mistaken.
posted by humanfont at 12:56 AM on September 4, 2010


I have no need of this thing, because I have never been cold-cocked.
posted by Decani at 6:05 AM on September 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


Would cold-cocked be like cold-blooded? I'm picturing a bunch of lizards laying their wangs out on a warm rock in the sun to get them going in the morning.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:58 AM on September 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


"... Do not use for birth control!"

Seems like it would work pretty well, since I'm pretty sure you're not getting laid once she takes a look at that.
posted by Mental Wimp at 9:29 AM on September 4, 2010


I'm waiting for the one with sleeves.
posted by mcdoublewide at 9:46 AM on September 4, 2010


Australians sell that as a "Peter Heater".
posted by w0mbat at 11:00 AM on September 4, 2010


I knit socks for my feet, and every now and then while I'm knitting in public, a guy will ask if I'm knitting him a cockwarmer. This is always a different guy, and it's never been said by a guy I know.

I've come up with a lot of replies over the years.

My favorite is, 'if your cock is 7 inches around and has a 90 degree bend in the middle if it, then this is a cockwarmer for you!' if I'm feeling polite I'll explain that it's actually a sock for my foot.
posted by bilabial at 11:49 AM on September 4, 2010 [2 favorites]


In the truly dreadful 1976 film, Gable and Lombard, Jill Clayburgh as Carole Lombard gives a "banana warmer" to Gable, played by James Brolin. Everyone looks embarrassed as hell.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:26 PM on September 4, 2010


No more orphan socks!
posted by monospace at 4:30 PM on September 4, 2010


You think they'd be arguyle.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:19 PM on September 4, 2010


I seem to remember a photo Moby did for some magazine, where he was wearing only a sock. I don't know if I imagined this or not, but I've never been able to find the picture again, or even mention of it. Anywho, this post reminded me of that.
posted by Evilspork at 1:43 AM on September 5, 2010


I seem to remember a photo Moby did for some magazine, where he was wearing only a sock. I don't know if I imagined this or not, but I've never been able to find the picture again, or even mention of it. Anywho, this post reminded me of that.

You're probably just thinking of Moby wearing a stocking cap -- same difference.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:50 AM on September 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


fine use of ms paint on that there site.
posted by Makwa at 11:20 AM on September 5, 2010


The Red Hot Chili Peppers would like four. (video as SFW as any featuring penis-cozies).
posted by zippy at 11:35 AM on September 5, 2010


"In days of old, when knights were bold and condoms weren't invented
They put their socks around their cocks and fucked until contented."

(anon.; seen on a school toilet wall many years ago)
posted by acb at 6:57 AM on September 8, 2010


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