I am a Nigerian prince...
September 14, 2010 7:14 PM Subscribe
The next level in outsourcing: "He has his assistant seducing women for him. His assistant, who is female and lives in India, logs onto his account on a popular dating site, browses profiles and (pretending to be him) makes connections with women on the site. She has e-mail conversations and arranges first dates. Then her employer reads the e-mail conversation and goes to the date."
Cyrano de Banerjee
posted by dersins at 7:23 PM on September 14, 2010 [33 favorites]
posted by dersins at 7:23 PM on September 14, 2010 [33 favorites]
So if the date goes well, does he outsource the foreplay as well?
posted by [expletive deleted] at 7:24 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by [expletive deleted] at 7:24 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
I hate the expression 'rom com.'
Also, this is basically a high-tech version of the wingman. It's like an...X-Wing man, like in Star Wars.
posted by jonmc at 7:24 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, this is basically a high-tech version of the wingman. It's like an...X-Wing man, like in Star Wars.
posted by jonmc at 7:24 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Fuck, why didn't I think of this!
posted by orthogonality at 7:26 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by orthogonality at 7:26 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh right, I'm not a total sleaze.
posted by orthogonality at 7:26 PM on September 14, 2010 [18 favorites]
posted by orthogonality at 7:26 PM on September 14, 2010 [18 favorites]
Something like: "This is Armando Rivera, he will be delicately teasing your erogenous zones for the next 45 minutes, while I watch SportsCenter and text my buddies about fantasy football and the chick I'm about to plow."
posted by [expletive deleted] at 7:28 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by [expletive deleted] at 7:28 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
This raises the question of whether women (when pretending to be men) are better at seducing women than men?
posted by norabarnacl3 at 7:30 PM on September 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by norabarnacl3 at 7:30 PM on September 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
I soon realized that if the trend continues, eventually we will [blah blah arranged marriages blah blah technology is crazy amirite]
What trend? It's one guy he happens to be acquainted with. Meh.
Now what might actually make this interesting would be if these "virtual assistants" made use of the Japanese Horrorbot from this post.
posted by Gator at 7:35 PM on September 14, 2010
What trend? It's one guy he happens to be acquainted with. Meh.
Now what might actually make this interesting would be if these "virtual assistants" made use of the Japanese Horrorbot from this post.
posted by Gator at 7:35 PM on September 14, 2010
Absolute title win!
Gotta wonder what the success rate of outsourcing this kind of thing is.
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 7:36 PM on September 14, 2010
Gotta wonder what the success rate of outsourcing this kind of thing is.
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 7:36 PM on September 14, 2010
"Thinking this through I had to imagine the plot of a Hollywood romantic comedy. One VPA is engaged with another VPA and they somehow realize it, and they fall for each other, possibly leaving their employers in the lurch, or possibly helping them along as well in a dual-couple (dual country) romantic comedy. We’ll see how long it is until this movie comes out."
posted by Sassyfras at 7:38 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by Sassyfras at 7:38 PM on September 14, 2010
Paul Bronson and Emily Counts didn't have time for small talk. *side by side shots of Jon Hamm and Gweneth Paltrow, both in power suits, walking quickly, handing off papers and talking on his cell phones* That was what their assistants were for. *side by side shots of Justin Long and Jessica Biel typing on computers, coffee cups in hand, laughing* When these two high-powered execs *Hamm and Paltrow at a table in a fancy restaurant* and their assistants *Long and Biel in a park* get together *"Solsbury Hill" begins to play*, who know what will happen. *montage of couples walking hand in hand, rolling down hills, throwing food at each other. All that bullshit. Where's my check?*
posted by ND¢ at 7:40 PM on September 14, 2010 [41 favorites]
posted by ND¢ at 7:40 PM on September 14, 2010 [41 favorites]
I can see the conversation between this guy and his psychiatrist:
"Doctor, you must help me. It's gotten so that every time I date one of these women that my assistant has procured, afterward I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No Doc, of course not! I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
posted by netbros at 7:50 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
"Doctor, you must help me. It's gotten so that every time I date one of these women that my assistant has procured, afterward I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No Doc, of course not! I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
posted by netbros at 7:50 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Edit window and bacon; much alike.
posted by sfts2 at 7:51 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by sfts2 at 7:51 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
That joke needs a number.
posted by sfts2 at 7:52 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by sfts2 at 7:52 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would do this for folk...I had a great time on Match, and its time for another motorcycle.
Out.
posted by sfts2 at 7:55 PM on September 14, 2010
Out.
posted by sfts2 at 7:55 PM on September 14, 2010
Well ... it's hard out here for a pimp.
posted by bayani at 7:57 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by bayani at 7:57 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Hello pretty American girl. My affection for you is like Abhishek Bachchan's for Aishwarya Rai in Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke: boundless. If things go well, maybe I'll challenge you to various flirtatious dance-offs in the streets, our respective families will cause problems, you'll run away from your unwanted arranged marriage, and after much shouting and crying and dancing, true love will win out in the end. Coffee?
posted by naju at 7:57 PM on September 14, 2010 [58 favorites]
posted by naju at 7:57 PM on September 14, 2010 [58 favorites]
So despite the idiotic improbability, let's say he meets someone and it works out and somehow, against all odds, finding true love actually makes this guy into a human being. Now he has to confess to his wife that some of their most intimate thoughts were actually shared between her and another woman (or just live with it). Either way, that's not a great future.
posted by doctor_negative at 8:02 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by doctor_negative at 8:02 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Thinking this through I had to imagine the plot of a Hollywood romantic comedy.
No, no, no! It's gotta be Bollywood!
The hero & heroine are attractive young Indians working in the outsourced De Bergerac cubicle farm, while their employers are buffoonish but arrogant, comic-opera-baddie Westerners (just for the comedy element).
Girl is falling for guy in real life, but guy is simultaneously falling for the online woman, who we all know is actually girl. Eventually, guy decides to bite the bullet & organise a meeting with online girl. Girl is despondent, but she can't prevent him from chasing his desire, because she is simultanously called upon to meet her online interlocutor (boy feigns some kind of crisis to bring about this meeting).
Girl turns up at appointed meeting place (Swiss Alps, perhaps, or beneath the Eiffel Tower - anywhere suitable for a huge dance number). She is inconsolable, but all this turns to joy when she sees boy walking towards her, instead of the fat whitey who she had expected. Much singing and dancing ensues, and of course the western employers also get together, as they inexplicably started following the email conversations. Only, the westerners don't dance as well.
The couples get married, and boy & girl (who were orphans) are adopted by the westerners, who are actually very nice & extremely rich. The final dance number includes a montage of them in various American locations (Grand Canyon, Statue of Liberty, Wal-Mart). The End.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:07 PM on September 14, 2010 [22 favorites]
No, no, no! It's gotta be Bollywood!
The hero & heroine are attractive young Indians working in the outsourced De Bergerac cubicle farm, while their employers are buffoonish but arrogant, comic-opera-baddie Westerners (just for the comedy element).
Girl is falling for guy in real life, but guy is simultaneously falling for the online woman, who we all know is actually girl. Eventually, guy decides to bite the bullet & organise a meeting with online girl. Girl is despondent, but she can't prevent him from chasing his desire, because she is simultanously called upon to meet her online interlocutor (boy feigns some kind of crisis to bring about this meeting).
Girl turns up at appointed meeting place (Swiss Alps, perhaps, or beneath the Eiffel Tower - anywhere suitable for a huge dance number). She is inconsolable, but all this turns to joy when she sees boy walking towards her, instead of the fat whitey who she had expected. Much singing and dancing ensues, and of course the western employers also get together, as they inexplicably started following the email conversations. Only, the westerners don't dance as well.
The couples get married, and boy & girl (who were orphans) are adopted by the westerners, who are actually very nice & extremely rich. The final dance number includes a montage of them in various American locations (Grand Canyon, Statue of Liberty, Wal-Mart). The End.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:07 PM on September 14, 2010 [22 favorites]
Now he has to confess to his wife that some of their most intimate thoughts were actually shared between her and another woman
Who shares their most intimate thoughts on a dating web site with someone they haven't met yet?
posted by rwatson at 8:07 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Who shares their most intimate thoughts on a dating web site with someone they haven't met yet?
posted by rwatson at 8:07 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
What I love most about the tentacle is that I don't need to move my bowels anymore. It's all handled by that family in Evanston.
posted by griphus at 8:08 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by griphus at 8:08 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
I can't be the only one thinking this is a brilliant set up for a rom com.
She found her boss's dates...Until she found one she wanted for herself.
No! she falls in love with her employer! She knows him so well!
posted by The Whelk at 8:08 PM on September 14, 2010
She found her boss's dates...Until she found one she wanted for herself.
No! she falls in love with her employer! She knows him so well!
posted by The Whelk at 8:08 PM on September 14, 2010
And then she uses her friend to pose as her to respond to HIS ad and there is a switch at the end. I mean it's obvious.
posted by The Whelk at 8:09 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by The Whelk at 8:09 PM on September 14, 2010
DANCE NUMBER: GO!
posted by Avenger at 8:10 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Avenger at 8:10 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
ubuRovias, you forgot the middle sequence where they all go to Island retreat for extra dancing that has nothing to do with the plot.
posted by The Whelk at 8:10 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:10 PM on September 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
This is a nice idea but it leaves me stuck with by far the most difficult and time-consuming part of the process: actually dating. I didn't get an MBA just to turn around and micromanage at that level! What I need from you is to take it to the next level, Rick. I'm talking meet, date, marry, reproduce, the whole bit. I'll need regular reports on the kids, and a white paper summarizing my legacy just before I die. Just clear it all with the Efficiency champs as you go, they'll help you keep the process lean. Now, if that's all clear, I have to get back to work. This Lotus Notes killer isn't going to middle-manage itself!
posted by No-sword at 8:14 PM on September 14, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by No-sword at 8:14 PM on September 14, 2010 [11 favorites]
Of course the assistant needs glasses when she works at the computer but when Chad sees her take off the glasses and shake out her hair after finishing a particularly grueling session of proxy seductive chatting, he realizes that what he was looking for was right in front of him all along.
posted by Babblesort at 8:17 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Babblesort at 8:17 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sometimes it feels as if entire MetaFilter threads are outsourced.
posted by mazola at 8:18 PM on September 14, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by mazola at 8:18 PM on September 14, 2010 [10 favorites]
This sounds a lot like what I already do except my "assistant" is not somebody I know and the "date" is not somebody I will ever meet. Basically the arrangement is people setting up dates with other people and I just sit there playing Minecraft and checking my Inbox every half hour. Still empty, like my wine glass.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:22 PM on September 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:22 PM on September 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sometimes it feels as if entire MetaFilter threads are outsourced.
Well, that would certainly explain the pervasive aroma of delicious, delicious curry.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:30 PM on September 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
Well, that would certainly explain the pervasive aroma of delicious, delicious curry.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:30 PM on September 14, 2010 [6 favorites]
"No! she falls in love with her employer! She knows him so well!"
Sigh. And thus another perfectly good girl-meets-girl plot goes down the tubes.
posted by kyrademon at 8:32 PM on September 14, 2010 [8 favorites]
Sigh. And thus another perfectly good girl-meets-girl plot goes down the tubes.
posted by kyrademon at 8:32 PM on September 14, 2010 [8 favorites]
...and then the assistant and her boss fell in love, and lived happily ever after leaving a trail of confused and disappointed women in their wake
posted by davejay at 8:33 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 8:33 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Interesting. It's like Tucker Max finally made enough money for a PA.
posted by pineapple at 8:34 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by pineapple at 8:34 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
The couples get married, and boy & girl (who were orphans) are adopted by the westerners, who are actually very nice & extremely rich. The final dance number includes a montage of them in various American locations (Grand Canyon, Statue of Liberty, Wal-Mart). The End.
Wait, so when does the friend drive the jeep off the ramp into the helicopter?
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:35 PM on September 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
Wait, so when does the friend drive the jeep off the ramp into the helicopter?
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:35 PM on September 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
Why stop there, with the assistant, hire some ambitious dude and get him to go out with the girl and have the relationship and get married and fight and argue and have a vase thrown at his head and have the cops called on him, and this, your life, can all be enjoyed from the comfort of home...what's not to love?
posted by Skygazer at 8:37 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Skygazer at 8:37 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Can we have at least one handsome stranger who suddenly appears in town, but whose dark secret threatens to turn all their lives upside down?
He can maybe be the IT guy who reads the boss' email.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:40 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
He can maybe be the IT guy who reads the boss' email.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:40 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
@UbuRoivas: There's no way anyone could possibly fit all that plot into a mere 4 hour movie. I think it's going to have to be a two parter.
posted by yeolcoatl at 8:44 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by yeolcoatl at 8:44 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Thinking this through I had to imagine the plot of a Hollywood romantic comedy. One VPA is engaged with another VPA and they somehow realize it, and they fall for each other, possibly leaving their employers in the lurch, or possibly helping them along as well in a dual-couple (dual country) romantic comedy. We’ll see how long it is until this movie comes out.
Couldn't be any worse than the plots of most Hollywood romantic comedies.
posted by blucevalo at 8:47 PM on September 14, 2010
Couldn't be any worse than the plots of most Hollywood romantic comedies.
posted by blucevalo at 8:47 PM on September 14, 2010
It's one guy he happens to be acquainted with.
Vida via WaPo.
posted by unliteral at 8:54 PM on September 14, 2010
Vida via WaPo.
posted by unliteral at 8:54 PM on September 14, 2010
Seriously, has this never been made into a movie before? I'd totally add it to my Netflix queue.
posted by Forktine at 9:19 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by Forktine at 9:19 PM on September 14, 2010
My mom's boss did this, back before outsourcing was popular.
His wife died, and after a while he told his secretary that he wanted her to find him a new one. As if this were completely normal. She had had her eye on him for a while, so she agreed. She proceeded to find him a string of completely unsuitable women. Really, totally horrible people. After letting him get really discouraged and fed up with all these women, she told him that she had found the perfect match, and it was, in fact, herself.
As far as I know, they're still married, and running a coffee plantation in Central America.
posted by Adridne at 9:21 PM on September 14, 2010 [24 favorites]
His wife died, and after a while he told his secretary that he wanted her to find him a new one. As if this were completely normal. She had had her eye on him for a while, so she agreed. She proceeded to find him a string of completely unsuitable women. Really, totally horrible people. After letting him get really discouraged and fed up with all these women, she told him that she had found the perfect match, and it was, in fact, herself.
As far as I know, they're still married, and running a coffee plantation in Central America.
posted by Adridne at 9:21 PM on September 14, 2010 [24 favorites]
His wife died, and after a while he told his secretary that he wanted her to find him a new one. As if this were completely normal. She had had her eye on him for a while, so she agreed. She proceeded to find him a string of completely unsuitable women. Really, totally horrible people. After letting him get really discouraged and fed up with all these women, she told him that she had found the perfect match, and it was, in fact, herself.
Isn't that how Dick Cheney ended up as vice president?
posted by grouse at 9:35 PM on September 14, 2010 [10 favorites]
Isn't that how Dick Cheney ended up as vice president?
posted by grouse at 9:35 PM on September 14, 2010 [10 favorites]
By dating Adridne's mom's boss? Yeah, I think so.
posted by dersins at 9:37 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by dersins at 9:37 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Sometimes it feels as if entire MetaFilter threads are outsourced.
I have a whole team of Bangladeshi staff writers.
posted by delmoi at 9:46 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have a whole team of Bangladeshi staff writers.
posted by delmoi at 9:46 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
kyrademon, look, the problem is that too many people have forgotten about Jill Sobule's awesome song, and they just can't stomach cutting Katy Perry's same-title atrocity into a movie trailer. Thankfully, I am here to remind them that if you need marzipan-sweet guitar-pop you will never--I repeat, never--not find any amongst queer lady musicians.
Male lead: 'I'm glad you're with my girlfriend, tell her hi for me!'
(Thank you, ex-girlfriends' music collections. Thank you. Also...pretty much any single by the Indigo Girls could be cut into a girl-girl comedy trailer, too....if it hasn't already been used in one....)
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 9:46 PM on September 14, 2010
Male lead: 'I'm glad you're with my girlfriend, tell her hi for me!'
(Thank you, ex-girlfriends' music collections. Thank you. Also...pretty much any single by the Indigo Girls could be cut into a girl-girl comedy trailer, too....if it hasn't already been used in one....)
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 9:46 PM on September 14, 2010
Metafilter: the friend drive the jeep off the ramp into the helicopter.
posted by Bohemia Mountain at 9:47 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Bohemia Mountain at 9:47 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
also, i would be remiss if i didn't mention Chiranjeevi's tractor fight... and i'm out.
posted by Bohemia Mountain at 9:53 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Bohemia Mountain at 9:53 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
you forgot the middle sequence where they all go to Island retreat for extra dancing that has nothing to do with the plot.
Well, every good movie needs AT LEAST 7 big dance numbers.
Here's how I'd sketch them out:
1. Entire cubicle farm happy dance about how they help facilitate love.
2. Boy & girl dance montage, with each fantasising about the possibility of foreign romance.
3. Festival comes to town. Everybody dances. Girl & boy have fun together, but no romance apparent.
4. Company director has a big wedding on an Island retreat. Boy dances flirtatiously with all the bridesmaids, making girl realise that she's jealous.
5. Girl solo sad dance, pining for boy.
6. Dance under Eiffel Tower and/or in Swiss Alps.
7. During final credits, the moving-to-America dance finale. Boy's offsider drives a jeep into a helicopter, flown by the evil company director who has been trying to kidnap girl because he wants to marry her off to his ugly second cousin to pay off large cricket gambling debts.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:02 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Well, every good movie needs AT LEAST 7 big dance numbers.
Here's how I'd sketch them out:
1. Entire cubicle farm happy dance about how they help facilitate love.
2. Boy & girl dance montage, with each fantasising about the possibility of foreign romance.
3. Festival comes to town. Everybody dances. Girl & boy have fun together, but no romance apparent.
4. Company director has a big wedding on an Island retreat. Boy dances flirtatiously with all the bridesmaids, making girl realise that she's jealous.
5. Girl solo sad dance, pining for boy.
6. Dance under Eiffel Tower and/or in Swiss Alps.
7. During final credits, the moving-to-America dance finale. Boy's offsider drives a jeep into a helicopter, flown by the evil company director who has been trying to kidnap girl because he wants to marry her off to his ugly second cousin to pay off large cricket gambling debts.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:02 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
"I hate the expression 'rom com.'"
"rom com" doesn't work, because it's not "rom-antic com-edy." It's "RO-mantic com-edy."
posted by Eideteker at 10:06 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
"rom com" doesn't work, because it's not "rom-antic com-edy." It's "RO-mantic com-edy."
posted by Eideteker at 10:06 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Bring in the stunt cock."
posted by nestor_makhno at 10:18 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by nestor_makhno at 10:18 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I prefer "ro-co." I got bored with Scrubs after a while, got my gf to quit watching it by pointing out that it was ro-co. Did the same thing with Law & Order SVU.
posted by Jimmy Havok at 10:41 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jimmy Havok at 10:41 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why didn't I stay in Bangalore? I coulda been making money for hanging out in social networks and online communities making connections instead of squeezing time out from work to do the same...
posted by The Lady is a designer at 12:25 AM on September 15, 2010
posted by The Lady is a designer at 12:25 AM on September 15, 2010
Thinking this through I had to imagine the plot of a Hollywood romantic comedy. One VPA is engaged with another VPA and they somehow realize it, and they fall for each other, possibly leaving their employers in the lurch, or possibly helping them along as well in a dual-couple (dual country) romantic comedy. We’ll see how long it is until this movie comes out.
Ian McDonald has a story in Cyberdad Days about how the AI agents that are working to arrange a couple together fall in love and split, leaving the couple wondering what do to. So yeah, it's already been written.
posted by Hactar at 12:59 AM on September 15, 2010
Ian McDonald has a story in Cyberdad Days about how the AI agents that are working to arrange a couple together fall in love and split, leaving the couple wondering what do to. So yeah, it's already been written.
posted by Hactar at 12:59 AM on September 15, 2010
I can see the conversation between this guy and his psychiatrist
Wouldn't he have hired someone to see the psychiatrist for him?
posted by Grangousier at 1:38 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Wouldn't he have hired someone to see the psychiatrist for him?
posted by Grangousier at 1:38 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
So many people that need punching, so few fists.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:58 AM on September 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:58 AM on September 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
Well, come to think of it, there are in fact almost exactly twice as many fists as there are people. I was lamenting that I personally only have two.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:00 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:00 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
...and only one is actually useful for clobbering.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:01 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:01 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
While the early incarnation of this looks sleazy, due to the asymmetry of the arrangement and the lack of established social norms, I can see something like this evolving into a more accepted and established institution, driven largely by time pressure.
The pace of life continues to accelerate, and people have less and less time. (This is the case across the spectrum, from high-powered executives to overworked students holding down two jobs to keep their heads above water.) This trend doesn't look like reversing any time soon. As such, a lot of people are having less of a social life than their parents did when they were young, and there are quite a few people who are single because they don't have time to do anything about it.
Online dating is an inherently labour-intensive activity, at least in the early stages. One has to churn through dozens of profiles and craft individualised, charming messages to their owners, in the knowledge that, even in the best of circumstances, most of them will not reply. Whilst it's a quicker way to meet potentially suitable people than by going to bars/church mixers/whatever the ancients did before the internet, it does involve a lot of drudgework. (Being sexual competition, this is inherently necessary to determine fitness; think of it as a verbal peacock's tail.)
Perhaps the personal assistant thing will evolve into an accepted service, more individualised than an introduction agency; a bit like the recruitment agents companies use to hire. Or like a version of traditional institutions (Indian arranged marriages, the Jewish yenta) only with the tradition replaced by modern pragmatism (rather than finding a suitable co-parent for your children, it finds you someone to spend structured blocks of quality time with).
posted by acb at 3:50 AM on September 15, 2010
The pace of life continues to accelerate, and people have less and less time. (This is the case across the spectrum, from high-powered executives to overworked students holding down two jobs to keep their heads above water.) This trend doesn't look like reversing any time soon. As such, a lot of people are having less of a social life than their parents did when they were young, and there are quite a few people who are single because they don't have time to do anything about it.
Online dating is an inherently labour-intensive activity, at least in the early stages. One has to churn through dozens of profiles and craft individualised, charming messages to their owners, in the knowledge that, even in the best of circumstances, most of them will not reply. Whilst it's a quicker way to meet potentially suitable people than by going to bars/church mixers/whatever the ancients did before the internet, it does involve a lot of drudgework. (Being sexual competition, this is inherently necessary to determine fitness; think of it as a verbal peacock's tail.)
Perhaps the personal assistant thing will evolve into an accepted service, more individualised than an introduction agency; a bit like the recruitment agents companies use to hire. Or like a version of traditional institutions (Indian arranged marriages, the Jewish yenta) only with the tradition replaced by modern pragmatism (rather than finding a suitable co-parent for your children, it finds you someone to spend structured blocks of quality time with).
posted by acb at 3:50 AM on September 15, 2010
Couldn't this all be handled by software? Get a team of programmers onto it.
Computer love!
Also, there is always the traditional approach.
posted by asok at 4:07 AM on September 15, 2010
Computer love!
Also, there is always the traditional approach.
posted by asok at 4:07 AM on September 15, 2010
Please to enjoy this thread I say witticism! LOL! Ok? Bye!
posted by codswallop at 4:50 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by codswallop at 4:50 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Didn't a younger Howard Hughes do something like this in real life?
posted by ovvl at 4:58 AM on September 15, 2010
posted by ovvl at 4:58 AM on September 15, 2010
His wife died, and after a while he told his secretary that he wanted her to find him a new one. As if this were completely normal. She had had her eye on him for a while, so she agreed. She proceeded to find him a string of completely unsuitable women. Really, totally horrible people. After letting him get really discouraged and fed up with all these women, she told him that she had found the perfect match, and it was, in fact, herself.
As far as I know, they're still married, and running a coffee plantation in Central America.
And that man was ... Geoffrey Palmer
posted by gjc at 5:19 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
As far as I know, they're still married, and running a coffee plantation in Central America.
And that man was ... Geoffrey Palmer
posted by gjc at 5:19 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've been writing my male friends' online dating profiles for quite a while, actually. I take their existing profiles and friendly them up a bit, thinking "If I were a woman (which I am), what would appeal to me?" I'm not making stuff up, but I am rephrasing things in ways that sound more communicative and outwardly focused, if that makes any sense. My friends report that the woman-generated profiles get more responses from women than the ones they wrote. I guess it's a short step from heavily editing an online profile to actually chatting with the women and maybe actually going on dates with them. But no.
posted by staggering termagant at 5:26 AM on September 15, 2010
posted by staggering termagant at 5:26 AM on September 15, 2010
"Dear QuirkyGal1974- I really enjoyed reading your profile! Allow me to introduce myself- I'm a handsome, silver haired widow. I'm a successful, well-paid executive with a large corporation. I enjoy making my assistant shop for me, and I'm only in the office a few hours a week, so I'll have plenty of time for you. I tend to have morning breath until late afternoon, but I mask it with coffee. I can't spell, and I wouldn't know where my dick was if I didn't pay a bunch of people to keep track of everything for me. I look forward to meeting you!
Signed,
My Boss"
posted by gjc at 5:27 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Signed,
My Boss"
posted by gjc at 5:27 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
My assistant says I have no problem with this.
posted by srboisvert at 5:38 AM on September 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 5:38 AM on September 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
No horror movie suggestions?
The dating assistant falls in love with the boss, and starts killing any women whom show interest in him. Since she sets the meeting locations and times, it is all very convenient.
Even better if the dating assistant is ... a computer
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:13 AM on September 15, 2010
The dating assistant falls in love with the boss, and starts killing any women whom show interest in him. Since she sets the meeting locations and times, it is all very convenient.
Even better if the dating assistant is ... a computer
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:13 AM on September 15, 2010
Even better if the dating assistant is ... a computer
This movie has to take place in 1986. It *has* too.
posted by The Whelk at 6:26 AM on September 15, 2010
This movie has to take place in 1986. It *has* too.
posted by The Whelk at 6:26 AM on September 15, 2010
Would anyone like to become my assistant? I already have a husband, but there are various other entertaining tasks that I could come up with. I pay India rates.
posted by theredpen at 6:37 AM on September 15, 2010
posted by theredpen at 6:37 AM on September 15, 2010
> Sigh. And thus another perfectly good girl-meets-girl plot goes down the tubes.
"When Harry's Proxy Met Sally".
posted by ardgedee at 6:41 AM on September 15, 2010
"When Harry's Proxy Met Sally".
posted by ardgedee at 6:41 AM on September 15, 2010
And who said romance is dead?
No really, who? Someone please call Research and get them working on this.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 6:44 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
No really, who? Someone please call Research and get them working on this.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 6:44 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I often pay a friend of mine $20/mo to manage my Facebook for me. I just can't understand that dang interface, and it's always changing. I have them remind me of upcoming events, and tell me if I have new messages, then I either dictate responses or have them put me in front of a keyboard. I don't want to hear about my friends' lives from a computer!
It's fun and everybody wins. One day, I'll be a rich eccentric billionaire. For now, this is the best I can manage.
posted by Galaxor Nebulon at 6:47 AM on September 15, 2010
It's fun and everybody wins. One day, I'll be a rich eccentric billionaire. For now, this is the best I can manage.
posted by Galaxor Nebulon at 6:47 AM on September 15, 2010
I've thought about outsourcing online dating too, but I couldn't think of anything to outsource because it's all about personalities. I did have one idea, though: Hire a photographer to take the best profile picture. Hire a writer to interview my friends and come up with profile text and to suggest comments on correspondence. Hire a wardrobe person to make sure I'm looking good for my dates.
But I'm neither as rich nor as eccentric as I would need to be in order to pull this off.
posted by Galaxor Nebulon at 6:51 AM on September 15, 2010
But I'm neither as rich nor as eccentric as I would need to be in order to pull this off.
posted by Galaxor Nebulon at 6:51 AM on September 15, 2010
I have a whole team of Bangladeshi staff writers.
posted by delmoi at 9:46 PM on September 14
I actually kinda hope that is true. And I cannot be persuaded it is NOT true for DU.
whatever the ancients did before the internet
This is my new favorite phrase, and I intend to use it in several contexts.
posted by discountfortunecookie at 7:25 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by delmoi at 9:46 PM on September 14
I actually kinda hope that is true. And I cannot be persuaded it is NOT true for DU.
whatever the ancients did before the internet
This is my new favorite phrase, and I intend to use it in several contexts.
posted by discountfortunecookie at 7:25 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Your Assistant's Got Mail"
posted by ob at 7:36 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ob at 7:36 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
theredpen: "Would anyone like to become my assistant? I already have a husband, but there are various other entertaining tasks that I could come up with. I pay India rates."
are you hitting on me?
posted by I am the Walrus at 8:33 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
are you hitting on me?
posted by I am the Walrus at 8:33 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I pay India rates.
Soon, the rupee will be reserve ;p
posted by The Lady is a designer at 8:41 AM on September 15, 2010
Soon, the rupee will be reserve ;p
posted by The Lady is a designer at 8:41 AM on September 15, 2010
Now what might actually make this interesting would be if these "virtual assistants" made use of the Japanese Horrorbot from this post.
Man, I need to go out and buy ANOTHER monitor. Every time that thing is linked, I howl and stab at the image with a harpoon in order to make it DIE FOREVER.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:45 AM on September 15, 2010
Man, I need to go out and buy ANOTHER monitor. Every time that thing is linked, I howl and stab at the image with a harpoon in order to make it DIE FOREVER.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:45 AM on September 15, 2010
Stavros: So many people that need punching, so few fists.
Have you considered outsourcing the punching?
posted by Infinite Jest at 9:43 AM on September 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
Have you considered outsourcing the punching?
posted by Infinite Jest at 9:43 AM on September 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
It was at this point that the middle-class people of the United States began to suspect that their whole existence - all the loves and hates, irritations and infatuations, joys and despairs, embraces and fist-fights and the other messy minutiae of daily life - was being carried out at a greatly reduced cost by disinterested people far across the ocean for no more pressing reason than the small income that thereby accrued to them and with no emotional investment at all.
posted by Grangousier at 11:07 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Grangousier at 11:07 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
this thread is killing me but this
Hello pretty American girl. My affection for you is like Abhishek Bachchan's for Aishwarya Rai in Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke: boundless. If things go well, maybe I'll challenge you to various flirtatious dance-offs in the streets, our respective families will cause problems, you'll run away from your unwanted arranged marriage, and after much shouting and crying and dancing, true love will win out in the end. Coffee?
posted by naju at 10:57 PM on September 14
this deserves a special FAVORITE TIMES INFINITY button.
well done naju, well done.
posted by liza at 12:07 PM on September 15, 2010
Hello pretty American girl. My affection for you is like Abhishek Bachchan's for Aishwarya Rai in Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke: boundless. If things go well, maybe I'll challenge you to various flirtatious dance-offs in the streets, our respective families will cause problems, you'll run away from your unwanted arranged marriage, and after much shouting and crying and dancing, true love will win out in the end. Coffee?
posted by naju at 10:57 PM on September 14
this deserves a special FAVORITE TIMES INFINITY button.
well done naju, well done.
posted by liza at 12:07 PM on September 15, 2010
Oh, see I was thinking a rom-com with a modern twist, where the assistant is stuck in a loveless marriage with a great guy that's all wrong for her. She finds herself falling for the woman her boss has assigned her to woo, and there's all sorts of comical misunderstandings. Finally the assisstant gets together with the woman she's been writing to, and the boss ends up with the assistant's husband and there's a big joint wedding and the whole cast sings an oldies song about love.
posted by fermezporte at 3:10 PM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by fermezporte at 3:10 PM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
are you hitting on me?
No . . . can you please go pick up that case of copier paper on the floor over there?
posted by theredpen at 3:45 PM on September 15, 2010
No . . . can you please go pick up that case of copier paper on the floor over there?
posted by theredpen at 3:45 PM on September 15, 2010
WTF....YO....why hire an assistant. Just get the chick's address, write your name on a vibrator with a Sharpie and send it to her...YO!!
Badda Bing Badda BOOM!! Love American Style!!
Even more lazy than that, outsource someone to sign the vibrator for you....and someone else to use it....WHOA!!!
I think I'm turning myself on ovah heah...
/The Voice in My Head.
*No, I don't know what it means either. And no I never wrote jokes for Andrew Dice Clay....
posted by Skygazer at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2010
Badda Bing Badda BOOM!! Love American Style!!
Even more lazy than that, outsource someone to sign the vibrator for you....and someone else to use it....WHOA!!!
I think I'm turning myself on ovah heah...
/The Voice in My Head.
*No, I don't know what it means either. And no I never wrote jokes for Andrew Dice Clay....
posted by Skygazer at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2010
But maybe I should have...
posted by Skygazer at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Skygazer at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
naju's comment actually makes me long for the days of my college years when I actually knew what to do in response to the young men in my life - ignore them and turn my head away huffily while flouncing off
posted by The Lady is a designer at 7:30 AM on September 16, 2010
posted by The Lady is a designer at 7:30 AM on September 16, 2010
YO...AYY....so yeah, outsourcing some the LOVE:
A coupla days after, I send the CHick flowers with a note that says "Sorry it didn't work out Crazylegs, it's not you it's me. P
S: Send back the vibrator."
/Rimshot/
WHoa...AYYY...Ohhh...
Don't forget to tip your bartender...
posted by Skygazer at 9:59 AM on September 16, 2010
A coupla days after, I send the CHick flowers with a note that says "Sorry it didn't work out Crazylegs, it's not you it's me. P
S: Send back the vibrator."
/Rimshot/
WHoa...AYYY...Ohhh...
Don't forget to tip your bartender...
posted by Skygazer at 9:59 AM on September 16, 2010
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She found her boss's dates...Until she found one she wanted for herself.
posted by litleozy at 7:22 PM on September 14, 2010 [40 favorites]