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All I really wanted was a pony
October 7, 2010 3:23 AM   Subscribe

Most of you are too poor to appreciate the early Christmas shopping at Neiman Marcus. I like the His & Hers MetroShip Luxury Houseboat, but maybe the Edible Gingerbread Playhouse or the Chariot Electric Tricycle would be better for the kids.

My wife wants the Dale Chihuly Pool Sculpture Installation, but I'd be happy with just a comfortable sports seat.
posted by twoleftfeet (39 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
A genuine piece of history taken from baseball's cathedral in the Bronx, the original Yankee Stadium®.
Each seat has an authentic back and bottom and new commemorative cast iron arms, which vary uniquely.
$750 + shipping


I....I don't know where to start....
posted by Jimbob at 3:41 AM on October 7, 2010


Dear Santa,

I have been kind of naughty this year, but mostly I've been good! So please, whatever you do, please don't tear out my shadow, and possibly my soul, and replace it with dinosaurs' shadows bound inexorably to my being, haunting my every moment.

I made you hamentaschen, I hope that's cool with you,
~Sarah
posted by Mizu at 3:50 AM on October 7, 2010 [12 favorites]


Why not treat your loved one to a pair of Emilio Pucci black pants this festive season?
Warning: product extremely attractive to monkeys. Secure with belt to prevent theft.
posted by emmtee at 3:53 AM on October 7, 2010


Wow. There are places in this country where you can buy real houses for less than that gingerbread house.
posted by Malor at 4:24 AM on October 7, 2010


Hamentaschen? For Christmas? Surely latkes would be more traditional.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:40 AM on October 7, 2010


Yeah latkes are cool and all, but hamentaschen are how I get rid of those jars of weird jams and preserves people foist upon me, as though I'll use a mason-jar of cinnamon peach whatevers in a year. It gets rid of things just in time for more undesirable overly complex jarred things.

Anyway, Santa takes what he can get! He needs a lot of fuel to power his quantum journeys through space and time.
posted by Mizu at 4:47 AM on October 7, 2010


There are places in this country where you can buy real houses for less than that gingerbread house.

Yeah, but they're a little heavy on the palate.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 4:54 AM on October 7, 2010 [3 favorites]


They realize that selling that edible gingerbread playhouse is just making it easier for the witch from Hansel and Gretel and her ilk to lure children to their deaths, right? It seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen when kids start disappearing and getting eaten, is all I'm saying.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:54 AM on October 7, 2010 [1 favorite]


And meanwhile there are people who are cold and lacking important medical treatment. If there's a communist revolution, I hope that Neiman's purchasing records get seized and everyone who bought those hyper-Veblen goods gets put up against the wall.

Wait. No. Too much. I hope they get sent to an Ironic Punishment Camp and have to wipe poor people's bottoms.
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:57 AM on October 7, 2010


What happened to the gingerbread house they used in the photo shoot for that picture? Did the girl in it get to eat it?

I hope she got to have part of it at least.
posted by Aizkolari at 4:59 AM on October 7, 2010


The recession hurts everyone. The rich are cutting back, having a mere houseboat shag pad rather than the zeppelin humpatorium they'd normally go for.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:39 AM on October 7, 2010 [2 favorites]


Did that pool sculpture remind anyone else of the movie Cocoon?
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 5:42 AM on October 7, 2010


I hear that in the olden days, Nieman Marcus used to only accept cash as payment. Apparently, this is some kind of "élite" thing, though it surprises me as I didn't think the wealthy allowed actual filthy lucre to touch their hands. Perhaps they wore gloves.
posted by sonika at 6:04 AM on October 7, 2010



I hope she got to have part of it at least.

I doubt it. Calories.


Side-setting the PR stunt tradition of all this, does Neiman Marcus give anyone else the creeps? I can't put my finger on it, but walking into a NM gives me a vague and persistent sense of unease, like Ive walked into the middle of a play.
posted by The Whelk at 6:07 AM on October 7, 2010


I think I just can't imagine their ideal customer, just that it is Not Me.
posted by The Whelk at 6:08 AM on October 7, 2010


They get their manservant to handle the cash, sonika.

Sarah Palin can now afford these gifts. Don't chew on that bought for too long; it'll give you an ulcer.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:36 AM on October 7, 2010


I'm looking t the pages Mizu linked too and I'm trying to express what is so ...offputting about NM in general. It just looks ...wrong. It's hitting the Cayce Pollard circuits in my brain - all the branding and clothing and look just makes me want to run away screaming but I can;t explain why.
posted by The Whelk at 6:40 AM on October 7, 2010


I hear that in the olden days, Nieman Marcus used to only accept cash as payment. Apparently, this is some kind of "élite" thing, though it surprises me as I didn't think the wealthy allowed actual filthy lucre to touch their hands. Perhaps they wore gloves.

Needless Markup still only accepts cash, their own credit card or Amex.

Side-setting the PR stunt tradition of all this, does Neiman Marcus give anyone else the creeps?

In its native habitat of Houston or Orange County, Niemans makes perfect sense. What weirds me out is that we have one in Seattle (Bellevue, actually) now. I get that we've got the income demographic that they are looking for, but I just don't see the culture fit.
posted by b1tr0t at 6:42 AM on October 7, 2010


Weren't they the shop that had the x-ray shoe fitting machine with no radiation shielding whatsoever?

Would it be classist of me to suggest that they bring those back?
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:48 AM on October 7, 2010


PS: HAMBURGER PLEASE DON'T ACCUSE ME OF WANTING TO POISON THE RICH FOR REALS!
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:49 AM on October 7, 2010


So Mayor Bloomberg isn't going to stop me buying the gingerbread house because it has too much sugar?
posted by Ahab at 7:02 AM on October 7, 2010


I kind of want my shadow replaced with a raptor...
posted by Theta States at 7:03 AM on October 7, 2010


Wait, the His & Hers MetroShip Luxury Houseboat is only ONE houseboat? I thought the whole point of "His & Hers" was that we'd each get one. Mine would be filled with books and a comfy couch and a commercial grade kitchen, and hers would be decked out in Packers regalia with a big screen TV. I don't see how just one MetroShip Luxury Houseboat could possibly work.
posted by Floydd at 7:04 AM on October 7, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm with you Floydd; if I got just one houseboat that I had to share with my wife I'd kick the crap out of Santa!
posted by Mister_A at 7:34 AM on October 7, 2010


I don't know what everyone's so fussed about. There's free shipping.
posted by the_blizz at 8:15 AM on October 7, 2010


I was in a Lacoste store a couple of years ago (please don't judge) and they would not accept cash -- only plastic.
posted by rtimmel at 8:16 AM on October 7, 2010


I like the His & Hers MetroShip Luxury Houseboat

The fuck? How does it cost $220,000 to glue a pre-fab cabin to a pontoon boat?
posted by stet at 8:21 AM on October 7, 2010


I definitely want a dinosaur-shadow-ectomy!!!!!
posted by supermedusa at 9:17 AM on October 7, 2010


Remember when Apple wouldn't take cash on big ticket items to prevent people from buying a bunch of iPhones, unlocking them, and selling them on Ebay?
posted by mccarty.tim at 9:30 AM on October 7, 2010


My family was pretty middle-class but we used to hunt up a copy of the NM catalogue every Christmas in order to see what outrageous His&Her gift they had this year. I remember one year it was Shar-Pei puppies, complete with a doghouse that looked like a Tibetan temple, and one year it was desks in the shape of longhorn cattle. The NM Christmas Catalog supplied many cheap LOL RICHPPL and then we'd go back to eating our dirt and playing with sticks, secure in the knowledge that while we might not be rich, we weren't -stupid-.
posted by The otter lady at 9:37 AM on October 7, 2010 [2 favorites]


Ahab, Ahab, Ahab, if you're buying a gingerbread house of that size, you aren't poor and society can't criticize you. To be rich, you must be doing something right.

But if you're on food stamps or welfare, you should be drug tested, not allowed to buy unhealthy food, and not allowed to buy healthy food. And we'll be sure to interfere with you if you leave your kids in the park, but only if you're poor (see page 3, "Rough to Riches").

A general rule of thumb is that if you're poor, you should be asking a rich person what to do, because if you knew what to do, you wouldn't be poor!

But if you suggest that a rich person pay more taxes, then you're a leftist radical who hates the automatic trickle down foundation of our economy, which invisibly and ineffably creates upward mobility that no chart can appreciate. After all, look at how the Bush tax cuts helped us after the Clinton depression. Caviar became an American staple, and unemployment was unheard of before the Obama inauguration, where his socialist dominion lead to much sadness for the wealthy.

But I digress. LOL expensive products, AMIRITE?
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:04 AM on October 7, 2010 [2 favorites]


Am I the only one who wishes Rich People Stuff R Us-type stores would only accept new Halliburton cases of small bills?

Imagine the trickle-down effect of those stores selling used (and thus second-rate) Halliburton cases? Soon, we would all have sturdy, reliable luggage that has trace amounts of cocaine from US currency.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:20 AM on October 7, 2010


I can understand wanting to let out the animal inside of you, but the dinosaur? Weren't they likely cold blooded? That'd be awfully depressing come Christmas in the northern hemisphere.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:25 AM on October 7, 2010


My shadow's gonna be a robot tiger!
posted by Theta States at 11:06 AM on October 7, 2010


This is all fine and well - but I am still trying to find a reliable provider of edible house boats.
posted by rongorongo at 12:16 PM on October 7, 2010


Dude made a dark chocolate boat the other day and paddled around for about an hour before it sank. Google him up; I'm sure he'd do a houseboat.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:49 PM on October 7, 2010


I didn't know Needless Markup sold presents like this! I associated them with the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. You know, where you get your levitating hover scooters! It was Hammacher Schlemmer, I recall, where I first saw one of those ridiculous circular bikes, although I sometimes do see them giving tourist rides in big cities.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:06 PM on October 7, 2010


Addendum: Although I think it would be actively bad parenting to get a single child a big-ticket present, an edible gingerbread house would be a fantastic gift to a group or class of about 30 children. Imagine how much fun they'd have attacking it! Of course, that would have to presume a sufficiently well-off, whimsical donor, and that there are any given groups of 30 children who don't have a single food allergy among them.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:09 PM on October 7, 2010


To be fair, the electric trike isn't so bad if they're replacing a car with it.
posted by vim876 at 5:29 AM on October 9, 2010


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