Just In Time For Halloween
October 26, 2010 9:23 AM   Subscribe

 
Next year, kids, look for the Gummy Human Centipede.
posted by fijiwriter at 9:25 AM on October 26, 2010


Dammit, I totally came here to make the Requiem for a Dream reference, but I see they've already covered that.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:28 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


I hope I wasn't the only one under the impression that Haribo was a Japanese company. The foundations of my world have shifted.
posted by theodolite at 9:30 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's like the Gingerbread Man had a tapeworm successfully extracted by strapping him to a table and placing a marshmallow on his chest.
posted by adipocere at 9:31 AM on October 26, 2010


Adult Swim Store sells the world's largest Gummy Bear. At 5 lbs., it's sure to haunt your bathroom for years to come. It's the brainchild of the lads behind Robot Chicken.
posted by inturnaround at 9:33 AM on October 26, 2010


Gummi candy is wrong. Vat19 are bad people for making this and they are going to hell.
posted by not_on_display at 9:39 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


You had to trigger this particular craving right before lunch, didn't you?
posted by hermitosis at 9:40 AM on October 26, 2010


Everyone sitting behind me in lecture thinks I'm going dildo shopping.
posted by azarbayejani at 9:41 AM on October 26, 2010 [16 favorites]


And I say to myself, 'What a wonderful world!'.
posted by mazola at 9:41 AM on October 26, 2010


Sean vs 5lb gummi bear
posted by lalochezia at 9:43 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


They're sold out!? God dammit.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:49 AM on October 26, 2010


So you know how "There is Always Room for Jell-O?" Turns out Jell-O will make room if you eat enough of it. Due to the digestive enzymes in your stomach, it is mostly like throwing up juice.

I wonder if this is similar.

Ah, college.
posted by poe at 9:52 AM on October 26, 2010


I made some gummy shot glasses last summer (lime-flavored, to go with gin-and-tonic-flavored Jello shots inside). They didn't work out so well.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:54 AM on October 26, 2010


Everyone sitting behind me in lecture thinks I'm going dildo shopping.

You say that as if you weren't.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:54 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


Wait. That's not a sex toy? Are you SURE?
posted by Old'n'Busted at 9:55 AM on October 26, 2010


They're sold out!? God dammit.

Sorry. Building a Gummi Worm cabin.
posted by eyeballkid at 9:57 AM on October 26, 2010 [7 favorites]


I remember as a young girl in Bosnia seeing a documentary on the Holocaust and reading, for the first time, the ominous "Arbeit Macht Frei" statement above the entrance to one of the concentration camps. I was learning German and knew what this meant (vaguely translated, "Work Will Free You.") What must have been intended to offer some small hope through toil turned out in a way we all know.

The very next day, I was quite happily munching on a package of Haribo gummibären, when I noticed the ominous statement on their package:

"Haribo Macht Kinder Fröh" ("Haribo Makes Kids Happy.")

It seemed so dark and oppressive and Teutonic and needlessly remindful of "Arbeit Macht Frei" that I have never really enjoyed a gummibär in quite the same way again since.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 10:03 AM on October 26, 2010 [6 favorites]


Grosse Gummi Macht Du Barfen
posted by codacorolla at 10:06 AM on October 26, 2010 [4 favorites]


Wow. He actually wrote "dildo-esque" in a Texas blog of a newspaper. And "shitter." Are you allowed to do that in a national newspaper blog? Won't people complain? Maybe I'm crazy or behind the times.

I remember my friend, who is a teacher now, relating to me that when she was in sixth grade, a boy accused her of being in a bad mood because she didn't get enough dick. The teacher heard that and grabbed the kid by the ear and yelled at him loudly and angrily in the hallway. I sort of envision kids leaving dildos and sex toys in each others lockers now as jokes. Glad I'm not a kid.
posted by anniecat at 10:11 AM on October 26, 2010


I saw the gummi worm on a kink blog a few days ago and just thought it was a sex toy that happened to look like a gummi worm. Those bumps would make a prostate sing.

Instead it is just an order of type II diabetes. How disappointing.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:22 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


Instead it is just an order of type II diabetes

And cow hooves. That's, like, 150 cow hooves.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:38 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


"It has a shelf life of over a year"

Warning: Do not leave WLGW on an actual shelf. At least, not on one visible by guests. Or cats.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 10:53 AM on October 26, 2010


I sort of envision kids leaving dildos and sex toys in each others lockers now as jokes. Glad I'm not a kid.

Yeah, that's probably a thing that only exists in your head.
posted by defenestration at 10:54 AM on October 26, 2010


Just last week a friend ate one of those 5lb bears on a bet from me. I gave him a work week to do it, and he still almost didn't make it. At 12,400 calories, it you break it up evenly, that's 2480 per day, or 800 calories at every meal of every day of just Gummi.

He ate most of the head on the first day and decided that he had made a huge mistake, but we taunted him enough that he continued on. He didn't take into account the toughness of Gummi, and his jaw started hurting pretty fast. It's hard to cut pieces off even with a fork and knife. Also, since it's very sticky, his lip was raw from where it pulled every time he took a bite. There was some discussion about what flavor would be best. You could pick a weird one so you never have to eat it again, or a familiar one that you know you like. He got orange, and now the smell turns his stomach.

The effect on your digestive tract has to be just stunning. He said his trips to the bathroom were "not normal" during that week, which I imagine is an understatement.
posted by Who_Am_I at 11:08 AM on October 26, 2010 [13 favorites]


I hope I wasn't the only one under the impression that Haribo was a Japanese company.

Richtig?

Aber die ganze Welt kennt, dass . . .

Haribo macht Kinder froh
Und Erwachsene ebenso

(Haribo makes children happy / And adults just as well)

It seemed so dark and oppressive and Teutonic and needlessly remindful of "Arbeit Macht Frei" that I have never really enjoyed a gummibär in quite the same way again since.

Man, that's way too dark a spin to put on good ole German candy. Here's another way to think of it:

Last year, I was at a hotel south of Berlin in the industrial heartland of the former GDR with my kids. (Which is to say - very little English spoken.) Very friendly young man comes in at bedtime to turn down sheets, lays a little bag of Haribo Goldbären on the pillow for my daughter. I sing the first line of the jingle to her, she gives me her best Dad-you're-nuts look. (She was four at the time.) Then the night clerk dude sings the second verse. My daughter looks at me like I'm Yoda levitating the X-Wing in the swamps of Dagoba.

See? It does make children happy! And grown-ups just as well!

Here's the jingle in Czech, Dutch and the original German after a mildly homoerotically charged street meeting between two dudes and the Goldbär himself (plus a pitch for a stylin' Haribo-logoed compact car). Also in "Grindecore" (sic).
posted by gompa at 11:13 AM on October 26, 2010 [5 favorites]


No the translation actually is:

"Haribo Makes Kids Happy and STFU"

Gummi candy makes me weak in the knees.

And the bowels. Just thought I would add that.
posted by stormpooper at 11:40 AM on October 26, 2010


theodolite: “I hope I wasn't the only one under the impression that Haribo was a Japanese company. The foundations of my world have shifted.”

Japan, Germany – they're both pretty notable producers of porn, I guess.

Wait, that's not on the "Six Things You Could Do With..." list?
posted by koeselitz at 11:59 AM on October 26, 2010


"dual flavors, a ribbed body, and a five inch girth. "

Yowsa!
posted by dibblda at 12:32 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


Das Gummi, es vibriert?
posted by various at 1:25 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


Bouncing here and there and everywhere...
posted by inturnaround at 1:27 PM on October 26, 2010


Gummi candy makes me weak in the knees.

And the bowels. Just thought I would add that.
posted by stormpooper


Eponysterical!
posted by oozy rat in a sanitary zoo at 7:17 PM on October 26, 2010


Where will this end? A gummy Real Doll?

It'd be like a dream date. Who among us has not wanted to eat our partner after coitus? All the better to help us nourish our ̢̮͒͆͒̂ͤ̂́ͧ͋ͥ͏͈͈͈m̳̭̝͙̖̜̬̟̓̎́̀̕y̸̠ͥͪ͢r͈̺̯̈̐ͪ̀̊͌͛͘ì̘͍̘̲͈͍̭͉͗̈ͦ͞a͇͔̞̦̰̗̙̰ͮ̾̊͑̔͐d̡͉͓̀̈́͌͝ ͍̪̼̳̙̱̺̗̏̊̾̒a͕̻̟̠͇̱͑͋ͅd̖̮̠̝̝̯̖̈́ͮ̎̽̐̐ö̴̠͕̜̻͖̤͇̭̓̑͑͠ŕ͈̲͛̆ͪa̸̓͌̏͗̿̎̚҉̙͉̝̮̫̥ͅb̯͔͔͈͚̱̺͔͒̾͌ͦ̍ͩl̻̻̟̼̅́̽͋̆̔͡ė̸̮͍̠̙̫̱̆̆ͯ̓̓̏̓̀ͅ ͩͦͫ͛͊ͬ͌ͯ̚҉͍̬͈͖͓̟̬t̴̜̱͎͎̜͚̅̏̏̀͊̅ͥͅi̴͉̰̩͈͈͍̭ͦͨ̂ͬͩ̌̉̃̕͝n̸̢͚̺̏̔̍ͭͮͦ̿̌͡y̡̗̙̓̅ͮ̀ͩ͢ ̹̙̞͙͉̙̳͒ͧ͗̐̒ͤ̀̕g̦͖̖̭̼̺͙ͪͥ͗̒̈́ͥ̉ͣ̈͠u͖̮̮̹ͩ̈́̓̇̌͂̑ͧͅm̅̑̇͊̈͛̚͟͏̠͙͓̤͚̗͙̝ͅm̉҉̹̮͈yͨ͠͏̬̞͉͜ ͉͎̜̮͚̜͔̩͋̀͐̍͜͠h̥̻̮ͣͯ̏ͨ̃̔̍͒ͧ͘͡a̷̡̹̲̺̱̬̤͍ͧ́̐̌̊̊̎͞ẗ͕̯̰͚̌͑̾͑ͦ̄̈́͗ͅč̰̚h̙̩̼͇̬͌̂̕̕l̩̺ͯ̆́ͤ̾͟͞i͕̦̰̋̈́͆́ͮͦ̓ͭ̍n̖̖̳̯̑ͧg̫̩̭̲͇͉͙͐̆͜s̘̳̩ͩͫͣ
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:31 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


For what it is worth, Vat19 is only a distributor, they don't make the giant gummys. The actual place is a candy store in Raleigh, NC. Popalops (or something like that) was profiled on "Kid in a Candystore" on Food Network and they showed them making the giant gummy worm, giant gummy bears, tongues, frogs, snails, and other forms of gummy. I can't imagine one person eating most of these items. Seems like a good gag item to have at a party and saw into very small pieces . . . and toss the rest!

The Food Network has a URL that redirects to giantgummybears.com which seems to be the home site.
posted by MatthewTie at 11:14 AM on October 27, 2010


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