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November 3, 2010 12:42 PM   Subscribe

"We're sorry for claiming Captain Kirk was in command of Captain Picard's starship"
posted by fearfulsymmetry (75 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
THEY SAID WHAT?!?!
posted by vorfeed at 12:44 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's Kirk's galaxy, baby. We're just livin' in it.
posted by entropicamericana at 12:45 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


Addendum - We're also sorry for any errors in this apology.
Pretty funny.
posted by joost de vries at 12:46 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


YESTERDAY, a news.com.au article incorrectly stated that the Star Trek starship USS Enterprise-E, otherwise known as model NNC-1701-E, was the successor to Captain Kirk's original USS Enterprise. It has since been brought to our attention that the NNC-1701-E in fact came two models after Captain Kirk retired and was under the command of Captain Jean Luc Picard. (emphasis added)

You just know they did that on purpose.
posted by jedicus at 12:46 PM on November 3, 2010 [12 favorites]


PIKE GOT ROBBED
posted by clavdivs at 12:47 PM on November 3, 2010 [12 favorites]


We also agree that Patrick Stewart is a handsome man, a sentiment expressed by several readers.

Never mind. All is forgiven, then.
posted by jedicus at 12:47 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


Nobody ever remembers Robert April.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:50 PM on November 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


There was no intention whatsoever to suggest Captain Kirk may have commanded the Galaxy Class Starships Enterprise-D and Enterprise-E.

For the record, I'm pretty sure the Enterprise-E was a Sovereign-class ship.

Yup. Looks like my nerdy instincts were correct, and I'm not sure whether to feel proud or horribly ashamed.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 12:51 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


"We apologize again for the fault in the apology. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked."
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:52 PM on November 3, 2010 [24 favorites]


Patrick Stewart is a handsome man who looks kinda like Larry David. Pret-ty handsome. Pret-ty, pret-ty handsome.
posted by not_on_display at 12:53 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


So I assume we're going to find an evenhanded analysis of Australian foreign policy in the Onion in a few hours...
posted by griphus at 12:53 PM on November 3, 2010


"Number one: Enrage!"
posted by Jofus at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


Make it so!
posted by The Lady is a designer at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2010


Also, Falstad Wildhammer lived!
posted by Threeway Handshake at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Brings to mind "Physics for Poets" (a couple of minutes long but if you've never heard it, totally worth it).
posted by jbickers at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


There must be some pretty avid Star Trek enthusiasts out there!
posted by everichon at 12:57 PM on November 3, 2010 [7 favorites]


Trekkers are total nerds. Holodeck experience at 11.
posted by i_cola at 12:57 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


This convention's hittin' warp 9!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:59 PM on November 3, 2010


Kirk's last ship was the Ambassador Class Enterprise-C.

Um, no. Dear lord, can you people get nothing right?
posted by zarq at 1:02 PM on November 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


The 'Dude and I started watching TOS recently, and in the second or third epsodes you can clearly see a headstone that says "James R. Kirk." 'Dude said he felt a bit like Comic Book Guy for both noticing the discrepancy and then for constructing a scenario to explain it.

Also, we've decided to name our second-born "Riberius" and geek out whenever someone asks why.
posted by muddgirl at 1:03 PM on November 3, 2010 [10 favorites]


FOX News published factually incorrect reporting, you say.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:05 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Bah... everybody knows the R stands for rockin'
posted by AugieAugustus at 1:08 PM on November 3, 2010


I'll just repeat my standing offer to all media companies to be your on-call Star Trek and Bible fact-checker. Low rates available to the first five respondents.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 1:11 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Oh, for the IMG tag…
posted by klangklangston at 1:11 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm not ashamed to admit that my very first impulse was to send them a bulleted list of everything they got wrong.
posted by SMPA at 1:12 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


The comments are a mix of "YOU GOT THIS WRONG" and "We're being invaded by geeks."
posted by zarq at 1:19 PM on November 3, 2010


You're Mum's Lunch is a fantastic name for a crusade leader.
posted by edbles at 1:19 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


God, I love this so much.

It's like a dog whistle - the most minor details being given incorrectly just seems to drive some folks into apoplectic rage, and why I find it so funny I do not know, but there it is.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:26 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Here's the image I'd be rocking if we had an IMG tag.
posted by COBRA! at 1:29 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


This is awesome.

<trekdork> and they got the call letters wrong in this apology: it's NCC, not NNC, as they have it </trekdork>
posted by tzikeh at 1:30 PM on November 3, 2010


Actually now that I think about it, the most awesome thing they could do is issue yet another retraction, stating something along the lines of "We have been made aware that none of this stuff actually happened. We regret the error."
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:32 PM on November 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


Oh, I love The Star Trek! When they get into the space fights with their lasers and proton torpedoes!? Very exciting stuff.
posted by quin at 1:35 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


Okay, I was about to say they're probably just mad that Australia was the last of the independent nation-state holdouts before joining the One-World-Government that precipitated the Federation. But now I can't remember why I think that. Did I just make that up? I could have sworn Riker said something to that effect in one episode. Any other nerds want to verify/deny?
posted by Greg Nog at 1:49 PM on November 3, 2010


I counted at least nine separate errors in the article.

That says so much more about me than it does about the article.
posted by Zozo at 1:49 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


The Star Trek fans, they bring all their equipment on the bus. And you can't fuck with the Star Trek fans. You can not fuck with those fans.
posted by ewagoner at 1:51 PM on November 3, 2010


That is one funny apology.

Having said that, can I take this opportunity to complain, once again, to the internet about the thing that bothers me most about my favourite childhood show (possibly my favourite show of all time): the bloody idiotic battle scenes.

A rogue Klingon captain is in control of a Bird of Prey. He decloaks off the starboard bow. The Enterprise goes to red altert, raises shields and arms weapons. The Klingons fire a volley. Shields at 82%. Time to shoot back: "Fire!" orders the captain. Worf fires! Once. Then we get a report of the damage to the Klingon vessel. Then the Klingons maneuvre and keep firing. The Enterprise is taking damage. Fire again! One more shot. The Klingons are firing again! Now they've damaged the warp engines!

I'm sorry, is there a Star Trek writer or director available for throttling? Did 24th Century weapons developers take their inspiration from flintlock muskets, because automatic weapons were just too violent? WTF? The bloody fight scenes are interminable. Every single shot is proceeded by a long pause, just to give the enemy (who always seem to have discovered the advanced technique of multiple shots while maneuvring) time to give the far-more-capable Enterprise the ability to lose its fights. Or rather, to lose just enough that its shields get knocked out but no one really gets hurt. You're armed to the teeth, you've got a computer that's more powerful than God and a power source that can violate the laws of physics, but you can't have your weapons systems just, I don't know, fire until the enemy is destroyed? It's ridiculous, and it totally kills the action sequences when they do occur.

The bloody phaser battles they occasionally have are similarly ridiculous - when did humans develop the ability to aim without sights, and why would you use a weapon that gets blocked by crates that a 7.62mm round would punch through today? Oh, right, because you just want to stun the bad guys who are trying to kill you. Argh.
posted by Dasein at 2:00 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


Okay, I was about to say they're probably just mad that Australia was the last of the independent nation-state holdouts before joining the One-World-Government that precipitated the Federation. But now I can't remember why I think that. Did I just make that up? I could have sworn Riker said something to that effect in one episode. Any other nerds want to verify/deny?

Memory Alpha says this:
It is a common misbelief that Australia was the last state to join the United Earth Government in 2150, but Australia holding out was only used by Beverly Crusher as a hypothetical example when discussing the eligibility of the fractured planet Kesprytt with Jean-Luc Picard in TNG: "Attached".

It is, however, possible that the United Earth government was founded prior to 2150 and that this was the year that the last remaining independent nations chose to join. This is supported by various episodes of Star Trek: Enterprise, such as "First Flight", which established that the United Earth Starfleet existed in the 2130s and 2140s.
So you didn't make it up out of whole cloth, but its accuracy is debatable.
posted by jedicus at 2:03 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


I rather enjoyed Space: 1999.
posted by everichon at 2:05 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


Wow, that Haynes guide (the original article) would make a pretty spiffy secret quonsar gift.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 2:07 PM on November 3, 2010


Ah, that's what I was thinking of, apparently! Thank you, jedicus!
posted by Greg Nog at 2:10 PM on November 3, 2010


Technically since the movie all of this is in an alternate timeline that doesn't exist.
posted by Artw at 2:13 PM on November 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


The fights are essentially sea-battles, complete with two-dimensional manouvering. I love how momentous it is when the captain realizes "Wait... we can go under this thing.

Also, they can't destroy other ships unless it's absolutely necessary. I call that the "secondary directive". Destroying other ships is a sign of being Pure Evil.
posted by muddgirl at 2:19 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Also part III: I was going to claim that Klingon ships are much stronger than similar-class federation ships, but this seems to be under debate, and the more I searched the more I found sources of the "Who wud win a real war - the feddies or the klingons?????" variety.
posted by muddgirl at 2:23 PM on November 3, 2010


Janeway all the way!
posted by francesca too at 2:29 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


and the more I searched the more I found sources of the "Who wud win a real war - the feddies or the klingons?????" variety.

Which is just silly, because the real question was always; who'd win, the Feddies or the Empire.


[spoiler alert; it's the Empire]
posted by quin at 2:36 PM on November 3, 2010


I love how momentous it is when the captain realizes "Wait... we can go under this thing.

And yet, did not realize the ship could be rotated in XYZ so as to fire directly at Reliant from below, instead waiting to rise up behind her before opening fire.

Tsk tsk tsk.
posted by zoogleplex at 2:40 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


Australia, Australia, Australia. What are we going to do with you?

Wait, I've got it. Vulcan got destroyed in the last movie (the Chris Pine/Zach Quinto one). Vulcans need someplace to live... someplace like their home planet, which was largely arid and populated by exotic species.

I think you know where I'm going with this.

G'day, mates!
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:46 PM on November 3, 2010 [5 favorites]


And yet, did not realize the ship could be rotated in XYZ so as to fire directly at Reliant from below, instead waiting to rise up behind her before opening fire.

Yeah, but the thrill of seeing the ship rise out of the mist behind them just can't be beat. It screams, "We've got you, you fuckers!" to the viewer in a way that coming at the Reliant from an oblique angle wouldn't.

The movie came out when I was a kid, and my parents wouldn't let me go see it in the theater, so it was many years before I saw the film in the midst of a crowd of people. I couldn't believe the cheers from the group when the Enterprise appeared.
posted by zarq at 2:49 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


So what we are saying is that Star Trek is really all about drama and good storytelling as opposed to realistic space battling or future prediction?

It seems the universe is unfolding as it should, then. :)
posted by zoogleplex at 2:58 PM on November 3, 2010


I for one am outraged, OUTRAGED! over the non-mention of Captain John Harriman. (We love you Ferris)
posted by Webbster at 3:07 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


Wait, I've got it. Vulcan got destroyed in the last movie (the Chris Pine/Zach Quinto one). Vulcans need someplace to live... someplace like their home planet, which was largely arid and populated by exotic species.

I think you know where I'm going with this.

G'day, mates!


God, I wish. We could do with some logic over here. Think any of them would be interested in running for office?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:28 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


The bloody phaser battles they occasionally have are similarly ridiculous - when did humans develop the ability to aim without sights, and why would you use a weapon that gets blocked by crates that a 7.62mm round would punch through today? Oh, right, because you just want to stun the bad guys who are trying to kill you. Argh.

Also, the ability to dodge faster than the speed of light. Makes my blood boil every time.

Of course, we all still watch it. So truly, who are the greater fools? The morons that write this crap, or the saps who watch it willingly and beg for more?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:31 PM on November 3, 2010


All those errors! Phasers on kill!
posted by Cranberry at 3:32 PM on November 3, 2010


I wonder if, after an article about Star Wars, they would have had to issue an apology for incorrectly claiming that was a moon.
posted by davejay at 4:14 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


I hate Enterprise as much as the next geek, but the Australians also forgot Capt. Jeffrey Archer.
posted by vhsiv at 4:16 PM on November 3, 2010


There are so many errors in the correction that this can only be a rare but beautiful double-troll.
posted by chairface at 4:32 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


I'll just repeat my standing offer to all media companies to be your on-call Star Trek and Bible fact-checker.

Only if you are willing to use this power to explain things such as just what Jesus's Parable of the Bat'leth from 1st Kahless* tells us about our responsibility to our fellow man.

*I would also accept 2d Cardassians.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:33 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


(anyone else re-create the bridge at ten years old with card board, duct tape and magic markers?...or use this as an emergency collapsible phaser)
posted by clavdivs at 4:43 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


2nd Cardassians! Heh. Now I'm totally using my spare time to write an ST Bible.

Genesis Device
Extra-terrestrial
Levitation
Serial Numbers
Dilithium
Ambassadors
1 Captains
2 Captains...
posted by Pater Aletheias at 5:08 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]


What about the apple juice?
posted by Wet Spot at 5:09 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]


I hate Enterprise as much as the next geek

I don't know if I want to do this, but... while I do agree the first season of Enterprise is terrible, seasons three and four rock in a particularly geeky continuity porn rocking way.
posted by crossoverman at 7:25 PM on November 3, 2010


Here's the image I'd be rocking if we had an IMG tag.

Mine.
posted by fuse theorem at 8:20 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


I love Star Trek. Especially that part in Episode III where Spock says "Boba Fett: the most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy. Fascinating."
posted by newdaddy at 8:44 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


Enterprise-D and Enterprise-E were in fact, the first of the Galaxy Class models and were under the command of Captain Picard.

No. The Enterprise E was not a galaxy class starship. And the Enterprise D wasn't the first galaxy class starship.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:07 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


I love Star Trek. Especially that part in Episode III where Spock says "Boba Fett: the most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy. Fascinating."

Jee-zus fuck. Would it really kill you to make at least an attempt to get that the slightest bit right?

That was Scotty that said that. Sheesh.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:25 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry, is there a Star Trek writer or director available for throttling? Did 24th Century weapons developers take their inspiration from flintlock muskets, because automatic weapons were just too violent? WTF? The bloody fight scenes are interminable.

/me looks at his Babylon 5 boxsets smugly.

Wait, Legend of the Rangers? How the heck did that piece of crap get in there?
posted by WhackyparseThis at 10:48 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]


I for one am outraged, OUTRAGED! over the non-mention of Captain John Harriman. (We love you Ferris)

Cameron. CAMERON.

GOD.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:34 AM on November 4, 2010 [2 favorites]


anyone else re-create the bridge at ten years old with card board, duct tape and magic markers?

No, but there are two years of school photos with me in home made OST Kirk and Spock uniforms.

And the Enterprise D wasn't the first galaxy class starship.

they did say "first OF the" , not "the first"
posted by nomisxid at 7:57 AM on November 4, 2010


Oh, for the IMG tag…

Ray Romano's dating James Carville? Whoa.
posted by aught at 12:08 PM on November 4, 2010 [2 favorites]


Technically since the movie all of this is in an alternate timeline that doesn't exist.

Surely it's been technically an alternate reality since the Eugenics Wars described in Space Seed didn't happen in the 90's.

or so someone told me once.
posted by Sparx at 12:39 PM on November 4, 2010


If I remember right, in the series finale for TNG, Riker actually does whip some Klingon ass by approaching them from -Z and just opening fire without painstakingly maneuvering into more or less the same XY plane. But, once again, alternate timeline, so I guess you could say it never happened.
posted by COBRA! at 12:53 PM on November 4, 2010


The only things that have happened are the fun but vaguely nonsensical movie and horrible, horrible Enterprise, though given that the best episodes of that feature interaction with a timeline that doesn't exist that's questionable as well.

Perhaps the only thing left existing was Admiral Archers dog, and Scotty killed that.
posted by Artw at 12:55 PM on November 4, 2010


I don't know if I want to do this, but... while I do agree the first season of Enterprise is terrible, seasons three and four rock in a particularly geeky continuity porn rocking way.

The final episode was awful, though.

The only thing that saved it for me was the ending.
posted by zarq at 12:59 PM on November 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


Perhaps the only thing left existing was Admiral Archers dog, and Scotty killed that.

Ah ah ah! No, no, he just doesn't have any idea to where he beamed the beagle. There's still hope it might turn up.

Perhaps there will be a directive to all Starfleet ships and stations to leave some cheese out on the deck somewhere.
posted by zoogleplex at 9:45 PM on November 4, 2010


I for one am outraged, OUTRAGED! over the non-mention of Captain John Harriman. (We love you Ferris)

Fleebnork:Cameron. CAMERON.GOD.

*That* correction won't be published until Tuesday.
posted by zarq at 4:46 AM on November 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


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