On The Bro'd

November 16, 2010 3:20 PM

On The Bro'd Every sentence of Jack Kerouac's On The Road, retold for bros.
posted by bhamrick (60 comments total)

I've always thought the book is all too bro-ish already.
posted by neroli at 3:26 PM on November 16, 2010 [9 favorites]

I stopped reading about three seconds in as there were references to Olive Garden.

Olive Garden, the Applebee's of Italian food that successfully insults 1/4th of my ancestry with every commercial.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 3:31 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

picks up another shovelful and flings it at the Wall of Culture
Did any of that stick? Am I getting a book deal out of any of this? No?
picks up another shovelful ...
posted by boo_radley at 3:33 PM on November 16, 2010 [22 favorites]

boo_radley, thanks, that's a really nice, punchy description of the creative process. I think I'll use it.
posted by LogicalDash at 3:34 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

I've always thought the book is all too bro-ish already.

I've always been irritated by Kerouac, if only because women don't seem to exist in his enlightened Beat world except as props. Same goes for Burroughs.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:42 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Kind of reads like actual Bret Easton Ellis.
posted by Casimir at 3:49 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

I've always been irritated by Kerouac, if only because women don't seem to exist in his enlightened Beat world except as props.


Agreed. We talked about this in the MeTa discussion of the book and the thought was that perhaps that was because women weren't really his interest -- Neal Cassaday was. One particular bro, that is.
posted by bearwife at 3:53 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Now Gary Schneider, on the other hand, is pretty fucking awesome.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:56 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Or, if you rather, Snyder
posted by KokuRyu at 3:57 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Now it sounds oddly like J. D. Salinger.
posted by Rory Marinich at 3:57 PM on November 16, 2010

I've always thought the book is all too bro-ish already.

Beat me to it. GET IT? BEAT? GET IT?

I've always been irritated by Kerouac, if only because women don't seem to exist in his enlightened Beat world except as props. Same goes for Burroughs.

With Burroughs it was somewhat understandable. When he was writing about love and sexual relations women generally weren't involved. When they did appear it was as some kind of demented archetype: like everyone else in his work.

Kerouac, on the other hand, was an outright pig.
posted by clarknova at 3:59 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

I stopped reading about three seconds in as there were references to Olive Garden.

So you started reading something that's clearly intentionally unpleasant and then stopped because, surprise, it referenced something unpleasant?
posted by ripley_ at 4:01 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Gary Snyder is one of many reasons why I wanted to go to Reed College.

Fire-lookout, translator of Zen poetry, all around bad-ass.


Sure as fuck wasn't playing football at Columbia. He also didn't turn into a Republican in his senility.
posted by mrstrotsky at 4:02 PM on November 16, 2010

At least it's not about vampires or zombies.
posted by Ratio at 4:06 PM on November 16, 2010 [5 favorites]

Gary Snyder is one of many reasons why I wanted to go to Reed College.

I published something in Kyoto Journal once, and was gratified to learn that the following piece in the magazine was a poem by Snyder.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:27 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

At least it's not about vampires or zombies.

Yet
posted by maxwelton at 4:28 PM on November 16, 2010

I'd rather read On the Brod, the version of On the Road that Max Brod published after Kerouac died and against his wishes.
posted by kenko at 4:34 PM on November 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

kenko: "I'd rather read On the Brod"

or On the Brody where every character is Adrien Brody:

"I was beginning to get the bug like Adrien Brody. He was simply a youth tremendously excited with life, and though he was a con-man, he was only conning because he wanted so much to live and to get involved with people who would otherwise pay no attention to him."

posted by boo_radley at 4:39 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

Oh, this is fun!

FRIAR LAWRENCE:
I'll cut right to the chase because I'm buzzed
And I don't want to harsh any of yours.
Romeo, there dead, hooked up with Julie,
This Kappa chick who pledged just this past fall,
And she, there dead, was totally a whore
For R-Dogg's bone (heh, if you know wha'I'm sayin').
I lent them sev'ral Trojans, the same day
That Ty and all his boys got their shit jacked,
Which then got R-dogg banned from Applebee's
And Julie started flipping shit and was
All posting Dethcab lyrics on her wall
And so I gave her 'bout an eighth of weed
Through which she fucking blazed in half an hour
And passed the fuck out at the Kappa house
And so her Big took her to student health.
Meanwhile, I texted R-dogg he should come
To take her back from fucking student health
But then my clutch-ass iPhone wouldn't send
Which made me have to go there by myself.
And when I got there it was fucking sick--
'Cause R-dogg and The Paris totally
Had fucked each others shit up. So I went
To get poor Julie, but I was all tweaked
On yaya and 4-Loko from this club,
And so I got all freaked out about needles
And left her there; she started pounded Jack
And Xanax 'till she tweeted she was dead.
So that's about it-- that's all that I know,
And Julie's Big can vouch for all those Trojans.
And I can take the rap for all of this--
My father has a dealership and, too,
A lawyer friend who'll totally get me off.
posted by The White Hat at 4:40 PM on November 16, 2010 [30 favorites]

Or On the Brød.
posted by kenko at 4:56 PM on November 16, 2010

My father has a dealership and, too,
A lawyer friend who'll totally get me off.

ATHF references FTW.
posted by clarknova at 4:56 PM on November 16, 2010

Same goes for Burroughs.

Well, duh.
posted by hermitosis at 5:06 PM on November 16, 2010

I've always been irritated by Kerouac, if only because women don't seem to exist in his enlightened Beat world except as props. Same goes for Burroughs.

Gore Vidal has a hilarious account of meeting Kerouac and Burroughs for dinner in the 50s and Kerouac is too drunk to talk and Burroughs is too stoned and Vidal too proud to just get up and leave.
posted by The Whelk at 5:12 PM on November 16, 2010 [12 favorites]

What does "so fucking clutch" mean?
posted by Dreamcast at 5:12 PM on November 16, 2010

This is just to say

I have chugged
the natty
that was on
your fridge shelf

and which
you were probably
saving
for beer-pong

sorry, bro
it was awesome
so cheap
and so cold
posted by Solon and Thanks at 5:15 PM on November 16, 2010 [26 favorites]

The tags were pretty funny, tho. I almost missed them at first.
posted by sundrop at 5:25 PM on November 16, 2010

I don't view this negatively.
posted by christhelongtimelurker at 5:30 PM on November 16, 2010

I've always been irritated by Kerouac, if only because women don't seem to exist in his enlightened Beat world except as props. Same goes for Burroughs.

To be fair, Burroughs sometimes shot women, which is slightly more involved than being a prop.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:36 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

To be fair, Burroughs sometimes shot women, which is slightly more involved than being a prop.

Yeah, but the woman was only there to keep the apple off the ground. You know, prop it up?
posted by alex_skazat at 5:40 PM on November 16, 2010

So you started reading something that's clearly intentionally unpleasant and then stopped because, surprise, it referenced something unpleasant?

Dammit. I hate it when people have a point. Well played, sir.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 5:53 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

On The Broad is all about women.
posted by maryr at 6:02 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Olive garden is genius. Here's their recipe for fettuccine Alfredo sauce:

Ingredients:
1 pint heavy cream or half and half
1 stick butter
2 tablespoons cream cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 teaspoon garlic powder

In a saucepan combine butter, heavy cream, and cream cheese. Simmer this until all is melted, and mixed well. Add the Parmesan cheese and Garlic powder. Simmer this for 15 to 20 minutes on low. You may wish to season with a little salt and pepper.

On that they built an empire, brilliant.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:51 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

That's eponysterical, StickyCarpet.

What's a "bro"?
posted by notyou at 6:55 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

"There must be a lot of Italians in Sausalito? Like, WTF, bro?"
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:04 PM on November 16, 2010

> What's a "bro"?

Subjective but fun definition: The only bros for me are the awesome ones, the ones who are mad to chug, mad to party, mad to bone, mad to get hammered, desirous of all the chicks at Buffalo Wild Wings, the ones who never turn down a Bud Light Lime, but chug, chug, chug like fucking awesome players exploding like spiders across an Ed Hardy shirt and in the middle you see the silver skull pop and everybody goes “Awww!”
posted by christopherious at 7:06 PM on November 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

I hate the "bro" meme.
posted by Liquidwolf at 7:29 PM on November 16, 2010

We go to Olive Garden all the time because we have officially given up on life. We may only be in our mid-thirties, of neutral good looks, and, as a group, represent a refreshing, but not uncomfortably diverse cross-section of ethnicities, but we are already fully resigned to a life of endless bowls of mealy pasta drenched in tomato-themed high-fructose corn syrup and bread sticks that we'll joke look a little like uncircumcised penises, because we are dead inside.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:30 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

So, let me get this straight...being a young adult today boils down to this 'hipsters' vs. 'bros' thing?

I would like to thak you all for making me gald to be middle-aged.
posted by jonmc at 7:56 PM on November 16, 2010

and glad, too.
posted by jonmc at 7:56 PM on November 16, 2010

Bros/frat boys/preppies, good lord whatever you want to call them kill everything. Everything that one could possibly wring some small pleasure from, once you see it embraced by them turns to ashes and woe.

In other words, I knew ska was dead when frat boys adopted it. Bastards. That's okay. I still listen to it, in my underground bunker, waiting for that particular fallout to fade away. On that day, I will resurface to a fanfare from the horn section, and strut forward to a great bass riff and waka chika guitars.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:59 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Olive Garden, the Applebee's of Italian food that successfully insults 1/4th of my ancestry with every commercial.

On the one hand, I deeply, deeply empathize with the terrible, agonizing emotional pain that Olive Garden so callously inflicts upon you daily. On the other hand...breadsticks.
posted by AdamCSnider at 8:15 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

Aw, US 6 became Interstate 80.
posted by kurumi at 8:43 PM on November 16, 2010

You have certainly not made my acquaintance without having read a novel called the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, but that is of small consequence. The author was Mark Twain and his account was largely factual, with possibily some prevarication, but still accurate in the whole. One should not mind. It is an inevitable result of the human condition that inaccuracies are committed; even Tom's matronly Aunt Polly, Mary and the widowed Mrs. Douglas have done so. They play no small part in the events transcribed in the aforementioned book, which is, I must insist, a largely reliable account.

The denouement of the novel was thus: Tom and I found the preferred stock that was buried in a vase hidden under a pier on the River Charles and we became somewhat affluent. Judge Thatcher invested the proceeds with a well regarded brokerage and we each received a daily stipend of a dollar; much more than our needs required. Mrs. Douglas adopted me with the purpose of establishing me as a scion of society, although it was disconcerting for me in her townhouse with her prim and proper ways, so when my limit of tolerance had been reached, I escaped. I donned my common public school clothes, and felt the liberation and satisfaction of adolescence again. Tom Sawyer soon confronted me with the news that he was considering the formation of a group of dandies and I might find myself a member if I could return to her and keep the appearance of propriety in mind, so I played the prodigal.
posted by pyramid termite at 8:52 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

I published something in Kyoto Journal once, and was gratified to learn that the following piece in the magazine was a poem by Snyder.

I hope you read his name write and didn't call Tailor.

hands jonmc a machine gun.
posted by clavdivs at 8:58 PM on November 16, 2010

So, let me get this straight...being a young adult today boils down to this 'hipsters' vs. 'bros' thing?

The only problem is that no one's sure which is the modern mod, and which the modern rocker.

(Me, I'm a mocker.)
posted by kenko at 9:17 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

>I've always thought the book is all too bro-ish already.

>>I've always been irritated by Kerouac, if only because women don't seem to exist in his enlightened Beat world except as props. Same goes for Burroughs.

You guys know that all of these guys were constantly fucking each other senseless, right? I mean, they were having sex with women, too, but to varying degrees for various members of the gang because it was the 50s, and being full-on gay wasn't so much a thing to be in those unenlightened times.

Not that they didn't treat women like dirt, and not that the fact of their madcap (if self-loathing, in the case of Kerouac) homosex hijinx meant that it was a given that they should have done so by any means, but women were pretty much props for them. Sexually and otherwise.

An eye-opening account (if the whole sexy sexness thing is news to you) of the time and the genital adventures of the group is Ellis Amburn's Subterranean Kerouac: The Hidden Life of Jack Kerouac, if anyone's interested.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:43 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Hows does Corso fit in. He's the real tough.

'When she introduces me to her parents...
and not ask Where's the bathroom?....
often thinking Flash Gordon soap....

After tea and homemade cookies they ask What do you do for a living?
...Where's the bathroom?'

-Marriage
posted by clavdivs at 11:05 PM on November 16, 2010

Bros and hos in America. They have such a sad time together.
posted by NoraReed at 12:54 AM on November 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

This is one more milepost in a trend that I see in glorious display on Boing Boing and elsewhere: doing x in the style of y. You redo Pulp Fiction in the style of Shakespeare, or Star Wars action figures in the style of steampunk, or whatever. There's hopefully a certain amount of craftmanship involved, as well as attention to the relevant tropes, but the main work is involved in googling to make sure that no one has hit on it already.

So, maybe I should start my own little sweatshop, a la Jeff Koons or (lately on the blue) James Frey, and get a stable of recent art and writing degree graduates to churn this stuff out for me. I think our first project--if no one has gotten to it already--will be redoing Gilligan's Island as a Lovecraft story...
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:23 AM on November 17, 2010

I saw the best bros of my generation destroyed by Bud Light Lime, starving for Olive Garden,

dragging themselves through the ASU streets at dawn looking for an open Buffalo Wild Wings,

I'd go on, but then I'd have to shoot myself.
posted by tommasz at 6:03 AM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

cool story bro
posted by klapaucius at 7:25 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

While this is kind of entertaining, I wonder what's the point? Would anybody here actually read the entirety of "On the Bro'd"?

Maybe it's a way of reassigning gender roles--or mocking the reassignment that's happening in culture today. Maybe that's the draw.
posted by hpb2earnest at 8:15 AM on November 17, 2010

I hate the "bro" meme.

Eh, it's more of a subculture than a meme.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 8:34 AM on November 17, 2010

Since he's not alive to do so, I may just vomit on Kerouac's behalf.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm one of the five people alive who likes the guy. Blame my inner 17 year old who read On The Road and suddenly thought she was really like, deep and shit.

(Though really, it is totally cromulent to say that Jack Kerouac - much in the same way as Jackie Trehorn - treats objects like women.)
posted by sonika at 8:35 AM on November 17, 2010

I sometimes go to the olive carden in chelsea, but only ironically.

The drink menu features a bloody mary garnished with pepperoni.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:55 AM on November 17, 2010

So, let me get this straight...being a young adult today boils down to this 'hipsters' vs. 'bros' thing?

No, like most things in life, very few people are the pure embodiment of any ideal. Most have love and hates that reflect not a single aspiration, but a vision of the cultural melting pot.

Kerouac really defined a pure sort of individual in On the Road. Bros, for all the baggage attached to their affectations, are a pretty good analogue.
posted by mikeh at 12:53 PM on November 17, 2010

The drink menu features a bloody mary garnished with pepperoni.

I once had a bloody mary made with bacon infused vodka garnished with a slim jim, unironically. It wasn't bad. I only ate at Olive Graden twice just to give it a try. I got the trots both times and the food was an insult to my heritage to boot.
posted by jonmc at 4:50 PM on November 17, 2010

I misread the title and thought the blog was supposed to be retelling this book which I recently read. It was confusing and somewhat terrifying.
posted by The Lurkers Support Me in Email at 5:10 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm partial to Big Beef Chevys. They are less moist than slim jims. Used to be beef lips were the second ingredient. Them beef lips are good eatin.

Olive garden also serves Riunite unironically. I'm not even sure what Riunite is but I know salad go nice with riunite on ice.
posted by Ad hominem at 7:57 PM on November 17, 2010

I misread the title and thought the blog was supposed to be retelling this book which I recently read. It was confusing and somewhat terrifying.

When he woke after the party on the futon in the vomit from the night he'd reach out to touch the chick sleeping beside him?
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:39 AM on November 19, 2010