The telescreen struck fourteen

December 7, 2010 4:32 PM

The Department of Homeland Security and Wal-Mart have announced a partnership to promote the recent "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, which urges citizens to report "suspicious activity." At select locations, a brief DHS video message will urge shoppers to "contact local law enforcement" if they see anything out of the ordinary. Over 230 stores began playing these short videos Monday, with another 588 stores in 27 states to come on-board in the next few weeks.

In addition to Wal-Mart, the Department of Homeland Security has recently garnered the support of "malls, retail outlets and hotels across the United States" for the program. The DHS has also released a video and the following statement:

"In the coming months, the Department will continue to expand the 'If You See Something, Say Something' campaign nationally with public education materials and outreach tools designed to help America's businesses, communities and citizens remain vigilant and play an active role in keeping the country safe."

posted by Despondent_Monkey (189 comments total)

Eponysterical.
posted by MasonDixon at 4:34 PM on December 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

Well, I'll be making that call.
posted by poe at 4:35 PM on December 7, 2010 [35 favorites]

Ah, well, I see they have fulfilled my personal nightmare in time for Christmas: the words "Wal-Mart" and "the Department of Homeland Security" in the same sentence.
posted by WidgetAlley at 4:36 PM on December 7, 2010 [96 favorites]

We're fielding all their strokes, running a lot of them out, and pretty consistently knocking them for six. I'd say they're nearly out of the game.
posted by The Whelk at 4:36 PM on December 7, 2010 [10 favorites]

Well, I don't really know where to start.... but... I've seen a shadowy cabal of people inside this very store, and I think they are conspiring with Communists to destroy our middle class.
posted by benzenedream at 4:37 PM on December 7, 2010 [33 favorites]

I hope they have phones with a direct line to local law enforcement near all of the TVs that will play this, because Wally World is full of suspicious people.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 4:37 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I've noticed large amounts of suspicious packages from China at a local retailer.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 4:38 PM on December 7, 2010 [55 favorites]

They will have plenty of reasons to call.
posted by briank at 4:38 PM on December 7, 2010

Good to know we are moving right along in our path towards becoming a complete police state by training everyone to be an informer. 1984, you were just a little bit late arriving.
posted by bearwife at 4:39 PM on December 7, 2010 [12 favorites]

Can we call it fascism yet?
posted by Joe Beese at 4:39 PM on December 7, 2010 [39 favorites]

No.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 4:39 PM on December 7, 2010 [11 favorites]

I could swear I read this in a book. The whole dystopian futuristic nightmare of a society that policies itself with relentless grim vigor, the population submissive and strained, the powers omniscient and ruthless.

Why am I living what was supposed to be a high school English lit novel?!
posted by five fresh fish at 4:41 PM on December 7, 2010 [16 favorites]

If I drop the dime on that mathowie guy what can I get?
posted by cjorgensen at 4:41 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

White people in my neighborhood are out of the ordinary.
posted by Ardiril at 4:43 PM on December 7, 2010 [5 favorites]

If I drop the dime on that mathowie guy what can I get?

$20. Same as in town.

But seriously, his overzealous moderation poses an existential threat to our way of commenting.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:43 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

"At select locations, a brief DHS video message will urge shoppers to "contact local law enforcement" if they see anything out of the ordinary."

This itself is pretty "suspicious activity". I suspect they are trying to make everyone paranoid.
posted by vidur at 4:43 PM on December 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

That's it; I've had it with this penny-ante approach to fightin' terrist. I'm breaking out the Stop Snitching t-shirt tomorrow.
posted by jsavimbi at 4:44 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

Can we call it fascism yet?


Reported!
posted by eyeballkid at 4:44 PM on December 7, 2010 [8 favorites]

If I see anything out of the ordinary I post it to Metafilter. Am I cool DHS?
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:45 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

The next person who links to people of walmart gets reported to DHS.
posted by fixedgear at 4:45 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

So I'm guessing this is a feeder program of some sort?
posted by boo_radley at 4:48 PM on December 7, 2010

This is just a symbolic gesture, but what a depressing symbol.
posted by grobstein at 4:49 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wait, I thought East Germany LOST the Cold War...
posted by twsf at 4:50 PM on December 7, 2010 [7 favorites]

I may be extraordinarily dense, but I don't get it. What exactly is supposed to happen if you "say something" now, as opposed to what would have happened if you "said something" BEFORE the DHS told you to? Are Wal-Mart employees going to be deputized DHS agents, authorized to make warrantless arrests, or something? What exactly does this program actually entail, other than encouraging people to be twitchier than usual?
posted by Gator at 4:50 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think they should install backscatter machines at all Wally Worlds, along with metal detectors and drug-sniffing dogs. Just to be safe. Must show ID and submit to background check. Of course, if you haven't done anything, you have nothing to worry about.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 4:50 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

Kids: Oh boy! It is Comrade Claus!
CC: That is right, kids. And remember there will be an extra present under your tree if you inform on one of your parents.
Kids: Yeah!
posted by munchingzombie at 4:51 PM on December 7, 2010 [12 favorites]

NOTE TO MY IOWA TERRORIST BRETHERN: PLEASE AVOID WAL-MART. AMMUNITION CAN ALSO BE PURCHASED AT "LARRY'S GUNS N' STUFF" ON ROUTE 380. ALONG WITH NINE MILLION OTHER LOCATIONS.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:53 PM on December 7, 2010 [17 favorites]

I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party.

Are we cool?
posted by mmrtnt at 4:57 PM on December 7, 2010

Somehow I doubt that Walmart is going to contain Janet Napolitano's target audience.
posted by blucevalo at 4:57 PM on December 7, 2010

So Walmart is now the retail outlet of the Military-Industrial complex?
posted by vac2003 at 4:59 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

So those of us already avoiding Wal-Mart for its many many other ethical issues have nothing to worry about then?


(Beats head against wall.)
posted by oddman at 4:59 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Remember how the Nazis trained youth to report their parents?
posted by Cranberry at 5:01 PM on December 7, 2010

And they don't think paranoid middle Americans aren't already reporting every god-damned suspicious toythey see on the streets?!?
posted by Jazz.bot at 5:02 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

You people scoff, but just last week my vigilance thwarted a nefarious plot! I spied fellow who closely resembled the Hamburglar sneaking about an airport terminal with one of those bowling ball-shaped bombs hidden under his cape. Fortunately, I alerted a nearby constable to his presence, and the scofflaw was apprehended before he had a chance to light the fuse and make his escape on a penny farthing parked close by!
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:02 PM on December 7, 2010 [22 favorites]

Free Julian Assange!

with a purchase of a Julian Assange of equal or lesser value.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:03 PM on December 7, 2010 [90 favorites]

The 2000s have just been fantastic
posted by sonic meat machine at 5:04 PM on December 7, 2010 [12 favorites]

Looks like the DHS is once again taking advice from the Strategic Network of Information on Terrorism in our Communities and Homeland.
posted by mattdidthat at 5:06 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

The next person who links to people of walmart gets reported to DHS.

Sorry; the links crossed in the posting. But if it makes you feel better, you can cup my balls firmly and tell me I'm safe to fly.
posted by briank at 5:07 PM on December 7, 2010 [19 favorites]

Will these monitors be able to switch over to the Two Minutes Hate?
posted by birdherder at 5:08 PM on December 7, 2010 [13 favorites]

imagine being in line at wal-mart behind George Jakubec (who supplied the "bomb factory" house in Escondido that will thursday close the 15 frwy for several hours to control burn down this house (contains tons of explosives)and protect the houses around it from damage. his shopping cart shows the need to call HOMELAND SECURITY, while in line.
posted by tustinrick at 5:09 PM on December 7, 2010

That's awesome, The Card Cheat. Did you get a commendation from Mayor McCheese?
posted by Gator at 5:10 PM on December 7, 2010

I'd like to report... amazing bargains!
posted by DNye at 5:11 PM on December 7, 2010 [23 favorites]

Oh god.... It's the voice from the DC Metro...
posted by schmod at 5:11 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I would actually much rather prefer "Welcome to CostCo, I love you."
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:14 PM on December 7, 2010 [19 favorites]

MIND THAT PARCEL!
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:15 PM on December 7, 2010

No kidding, I am a very suspicious looking person (apparently). When ever I walk into a store the security staff goes to defcon 10. I've cashiers hiding behind their counter on their knees upon orders from the security staff. One time they cleared out the store and called the police because they thought I looked armed and dangerous. I now vow to never go to a Wal-mart.
Is canada any better?
posted by JohnR at 5:16 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

It is a plot to keep shopping carts intact.
posted by clavdivs at 5:18 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Eh, I'm very serious about privacy rights and discouraged by the government's efforts to reduce those rights in the name of security. But this really just seems like "Take a Bite Out of Crime" for adults to me.
posted by Roger Dodger at 5:19 PM on December 7, 2010

> Is canada any better?

Yeah, but we're working on it.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:20 PM on December 7, 2010 [16 favorites]

Remember how the Nazis trained youth to report their parents?

Remember how DARE trained youth to report their parents?

Nothing new here, sadly.
posted by wildcrdj at 5:25 PM on December 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

You're the DHS. You've got to assess critical points of the nation's infrastructure and protect. What keeps us going? What keeps America from ... OH GOD THE WAL-MARTS
posted by user92371 at 5:27 PM on December 7, 2010 [8 favorites]

What exactly does this program actually entail, other than encouraging people to be twitchier than usual?

The fundamental idea is to teach you that other citizens are to be feared, not trusted. It's a critical component to taking absolute power, and is being targeted at precisely the people least able to understand the real purpose of the messages.
posted by Malor at 5:31 PM on December 7, 2010 [91 favorites]

Wow, so you're going to make the folks who are already scared of non-whites even more scared? FanTAStic!
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:31 PM on December 7, 2010

How creepy. I started imagining that she was an android and that she would develop a glitchy stutter and then freeze.
posted by carter at 5:41 PM on December 7, 2010

Poor Amurkans and their kawnstityooshn gone to sheeit because of t'rr'r.

.
posted by fire&wings at 5:41 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Double plus good!
posted by gallois at 5:43 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Every time Wikileaks posts an update the system automatically plays an increased-threat-level warning.
posted by clarknova at 5:46 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Seriously though, this system has two purposes:

1. Keep the lower classes suspicious of each other to prevent organization.
2. Make some contractor rich.
posted by clarknova at 5:48 PM on December 7, 2010 [29 favorites]

We should all help the DHS and Big Sister Napolitano in this latest reasonable and well-thought-out endeavor. In fact, since any given American is 500000 times more likely to die of heart disease than of terrorism, do your duty and report any suspicious obesity you might see at the Walmart as well. The Land of the Free is depending on you, Citizen!
posted by milquetoast at 5:49 PM on December 7, 2010 [7 favorites]

It's hard enough getting someone to tell me where the shower curtains are. I have no idea how this is supposed to work.
posted by cmyk at 5:50 PM on December 7, 2010 [16 favorites]

Dear DHS an unmarried man and woman have been renting an unlicensed apartment with no television in the shop across the street. I bring this to your attention because it appears they have infiltrated the Party. The man, named Winston Smith, appears to work at the Ministry fo Truth. Im sorry but I can only tell you that the woman's first name is Julia. I have reason to think that they are secretly in league with Goldberg and the enemies of Oceana. PS the miniplenty supply of work boots has left me with very cold toes this winter time. If it would be possible instead of the usual reward, I would deeply appreciate a pair of the double plus good Timberlands.
posted by humanfont at 5:52 PM on December 7, 2010 [26 favorites]

This has got to be a nightmare for Wal-Mart's in-house employment counsel, who now will have to worry about potential whistleblower retaliation claims even more than they already did.
posted by The World Famous at 5:52 PM on December 7, 2010

I was always suspicious of those stay-at-mall-moms -- it had to be more than just the Febreze and the Swiffer that keeps them there for hours...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 5:55 PM on December 7, 2010

They can do what they wish. I'm still not letting them check my receipt.
posted by Wild_Eep at 5:59 PM on December 7, 2010 [5 favorites]

This is high comedy
posted by clavdivs at 6:02 PM on December 7, 2010

Oh goodie, an outlet for rampant Islamophobia and an excuse for anyone vaguely "ethnic-looking" to never step foot in a Wal-mart again.
posted by mek at 6:03 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Straight down the shitter. It's amazingly quick how fast it happens.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:03 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm reporting every sombitch wearing a Jeff Gordon hat.
posted by photoslob at 6:05 PM on December 7, 2010 [7 favorites]

Will the Wal-Mart greeters now demand to see my "papers"?

This is interesting to watch from outside the USA. It's like Soviet Russia and the America circa 1965 have swapped places.
posted by weezy at 6:08 PM on December 7, 2010 [7 favorites]

*Note to self: do not buy propane canisters at Wal-Mart.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:08 PM on December 7, 2010

Walmart is just trying to get some gov't brownie point before the case goes to trial. They weren't discriminating, just keeping down potential terrorists.
posted by sammyo at 6:09 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Hello, Homeland Security? Yeah, there's a woman in Housewares, and she's... she's.... she's folding fitted sheets! I think she might be a wizard. Hello? Hello?
posted by smcameron at 6:13 PM on December 7, 2010 [33 favorites]

I guess the Rally to Restore Sanity failed. I'm hoping for the aliens to come and take me away. I've lost all hope for this planet.
'
posted by wv kay in ga at 6:26 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
posted by Ron Thanagar at 6:28 PM on December 7, 2010 [19 favorites]

Wanna know how much it sucks to be the one that gets called on?

Back in the late '60's in the Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti area (I was attending school at Eastern Michigan University), we were in the middle of a series of murders of young women.

John Norman Collins started murdering young women in 1967, with the last one in 1969, 6 in all.

John was a thin guy, rode a red motorcycle, brown hair, brown eyes.

I was a thin guy, rode a red motorcycle, brown hair, brown eyes. I had arrived in Ypsilanti about 1967, and was still living there in 1969. I remember riding the motorcycle in the country, and had actually discovered an old, abandoned farm not far from campus.. It was a destination for someone who liked photography, I hung out there a few times. One of the bodies was dumped at that farm.

On evening, my wife, a friend, and I decided to go down to the local auction barn, it was a great place to pick up neat "stuff" for cheap. We're sitting in the barn with maybe 50 other folks, most of them locals. As I sit there, someone taps me on the shoulder, I turn to see two Sheriff's Deputies.

"Could we talk to you?", they asked, as they escorted me to the back of the barn, to an office, leaving my wife and friend wondering what the hell was happening.

I spent the next hour in that office, trying to explain where I was on about 4 different nights, and a lot of other questions clearly related to the murders.

"Do you own a motorcycle?", "What color is it?", "Where do you ride it?".....

The longest fucking hour of my life to that point...

Eventually they cut me loose, and I never heard about it again..

Don't make that call, folks, the odds that the person you're watching is Osama is pretty slim, and you could make someone's life miserable!
posted by HuronBob at 6:29 PM on December 7, 2010 [26 favorites]

Yeah well when you make those bullshit calls to the DHS don't do it from your own fone because you'll instantly be labeled an agitator and they'll toss extra keywords on your SMS and voice line and you better fucking make sure your taxes are squeaky clean.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:30 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

No need to look any further than Walmart itself, The People of Walmart
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 6:32 PM on December 7, 2010

Here's the thing: this new program is utterly, completely self-defeating. The DHS knows this. That's why I find this so baffling.

Local law enforcement is already strained across the nation. A few months ago my neighbor's apartment got burglarized. She ran over and pounded on my door and asked me to call the police as soon as she came home from work (she doesn't have a phone). It took the cops (here in a major metropolitan area) an hour and a half to show up. They didn't send a CSI team, either. They sent a single squad car to take my neighbor's information, log the report and leave. The cop told her that the robbers were long gone and she would never get her stuff back, period. He actually said that.

And DHS wants Wal-Mart customers to flood these overworked police departments with random panicky calls? Some toddler leaves a Hello Kitty tote bag on aisle 3 which generates three-hundred 911 calls for a "possible bomb"? SWAT and bomb squad respond in full force?

Sometimes I wonder if the top echelons of our Federal government have not already been infiltrated by Al Qeada sleeper agents. It seems that whenever DHS or TSA roll out a new security measure, it seems specifically designed to either

1) enrage the American people
2) tie up valuable resources that could be used more effectively
3) actually manage to make us less safe than before

or all of the above.

How is that possible? Is there any explanation other than there are very highly placed individuals within our government who are doing their damnedest to use overzealous and ineffective security theater to discredit and sabotage their own departments?

Is there any sensible explanation except malice and conspiracy?
posted by Avenger at 6:44 PM on December 7, 2010 [46 favorites]

Sometimes I wonder if the top echelons of our Federal government have not already been infiltrated by Al Qeada sleeper agents.

If you think you're onto them now, just wait'll we invade Iran...

{/derail}
posted by indubitable at 6:51 PM on December 7, 2010

BozoBurgerBonanza, fixedgear would like a word with you.
posted by briank at 6:51 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Avenger : Is there any sensible explanation except malice and conspiracy?

Scared people are easier to control/influence. Fear sells.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 6:57 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

This reminds me a bit of what The Onion exclaimed 9 years ago: Attack on America!

Defend our libraries, and our dog food.
posted by ovvl at 6:58 PM on December 7, 2010

Where are you Mall Ninja?!
posted by pianomover at 6:59 PM on December 7, 2010 [5 favorites]

Yes he maybe older than People of Walmart.

But we need him now more than ever.
posted by pianomover at 7:00 PM on December 7, 2010

Rick Moranis made an inane yet memorable poem out of the oddly hypnotic "If you see something, say something" and it got published in the New York Times.
posted by gingerest at 7:06 PM on December 7, 2010 [9 favorites]

change you can believe in!
posted by Fupped Duck at 7:07 PM on December 7, 2010

It's the end of the world as we know it, on sale in aisle nine.
posted by The Whelk at 7:12 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

BozoBurgerBonanza, fixedgear would like a word with you.
posted by briank
...and the word is "Preview"
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:12 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Joe Beese: Can we call it fascism yet?

I may be misremembering this, because I can't find a link, but I seem to recall a line from Muriel Spark's The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie to the effect that Mussolini-era fascists couldn't have been all that bad, because they kept the streets clean.

I don't know which way to go with this thought.

On the one hand, when Raquel Welch was divorcing her manager husband, and he said that he'd made her what she was, she responded, "He may have found me in the gutter, but I wasn't exactly flat-chested and toothless." So he may have been a fascist, but this is unclear, in large part because nobody remembers him.

On the other hand, any time I've had the misfortune to visit the hotbed of insurrection that is Wal-Mart, I think that if the Department of Homeland Security can sweep their aisles of unpatriotic filth, who am I to complain?

Meanwhile, I need the DHS phone number, quite apart from national security issues. A family member of mine needs some serious waterboarding.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 7:15 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

If You See Something, Say Something... report "suspicious activity."

Yo Homeland Security I saw some tap water catch on fire. Does that count?
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:16 PM on December 7, 2010 [7 favorites]

At least they sell shotguns and ammo.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:19 PM on December 7, 2010

I see something out of the ordinary — these outrageously low prices!
posted by klangklangston at 7:21 PM on December 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

Is there any explanation other than there are very highly placed individuals within our government who are doing their damnedest to use overzealous and ineffective security theater to discredit and sabotage their own departments?

Cover your ass. We cannot accept a single failure means that you must do something. Anything. And once you're doing it, you can never stop. Ever.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 7:25 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Listen, long story short, do you want the sun to fall out of the sky and the magical shield protecting the US from harm to vanish? No? Then take off your fucking shoes.
posted by The Whelk at 7:28 PM on December 7, 2010 [12 favorites]

If you ask amateurs to act as front-line security personnel, you shouldn't be surprised when you get amateur security.
posted by polluxopera at 7:30 PM on December 7, 2010 [6 favorites]

It took the cops (here in a major metropolitan area) an hour and a half to show up.

At least they showed up. Anecdotally, the current S.O.P. for the Oakland P.D. is to not show up unless a burglary is in progress. You get to file a report online yourself.
posted by clorox at 7:30 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Should I contact DHS if TSA is doing something suspicious? :USA:
posted by JJ86 at 7:32 PM on December 7, 2010

I can't wait for the Chamber of Commerce to team up with the Department of Homeland Security for the nationwide "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, BUY SOMETHING" campaign.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 7:36 PM on December 7, 2010 [27 favorites]

Reason number eight billion and twelve not to shop at WalMart.
posted by doctor_negative at 7:37 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Well, it's official. You guys down there have finally gone over the edge. It's been great knowing you. So long, and thanks for all the rock and roll!
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 7:56 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

yippee. More of my involuntary tax dollars are funneled through governmental agencies to subsidize Wal-mart and pals.
posted by TomStampy at 8:04 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

My initial reaction to this was: Can I denounce Walmart as a credible terroristic threat?
posted by scratch at 8:26 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Reading this made me say 'goddamn motherfuckers' out loud about a news item for the third time today. America really is eating itself alive, isn't it? Who'd have thunk it in the heady days after Obama got elected?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:34 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

So I am driving on 95 South near DC a few weeks ago with my two teenage boys in the car. Daughter stayed home. Large sign above the highway saying Report Suspicious Activity to 888-555-1234. I think nothing of it. About two minutes later I hear the younger of the two teenagers, the 15 year old, saying that he thinks his brother is suspicious and may have even farted in the back seat. I turn to scream at him when I hear him say, "Sorry ma'am. No, I guess that is not really what you were looking for. Okay. Good idea." And then he rolls down the window. I ask why. He said that was what the lady said to do about the farting.
posted by AugustWest at 8:36 PM on December 7, 2010 [154 favorites]

The masses shopping at Wal-Mart would be a fuckload more secure if any American with a rage problem and a death wish weren't given the power to take a few dozen lives at the touch of a button.

Instead, the American government concentrates on increasing xenopobia and paranoia in order to justify the excessive power it's been given. The concern of the government is power for power's sake, not for saving lives.
posted by banal evil at 8:36 PM on December 7, 2010 [4 favorites]

I may be misremembering this, because I can't find a link, but I seem to recall a line from Muriel Spark's The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie to the effect that Mussolini-era fascists couldn't have been all that bad, because they kept the streets clean.

That's the primary reason i voted for Giuliani in '97. He was good at maintaining social services and keeping crime down -- a sharp distinction from his predecessor Dinkins. At the time, I was willing to overlook his less pleasant qualities, which seemed relatively harmless.

Unfortunately, his post-9/11 legacy has shown him to be an opportunistic scumbag who fucked over this city's first responders and citizens and then went on to campaign for the Presidency by spitting on the graves of those who died that day.
posted by zarq at 8:47 PM on December 7, 2010 [5 favorites]

The masses shopping at Wal-Mart would be a fuckload more secure if any American with a rage problem and a death wish weren't given the power to take a few dozen lives at the touch of a button.

In the face of moves like this, disarming the population is the last thing you should be trying for.
posted by Malor at 8:53 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

You'll never get anywhere in that suit.
posted by flabdablet at 8:55 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

1-800-YOU-SQUEAL
posted by strange chain at 8:59 PM on December 7, 2010

so sarah palin won?
posted by yesster at 9:06 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

And people call me pessimistic, but I got nothing on reality.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:07 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

So let me get this straight: after 9/11, you guys skipped the totally reasonable step of asking people to keep an eye out for odd behaviour - an act that in, say, suburbia is considered nothing more than 'being a good neighbour' - and went straight for the no-liquids-and-shoeless genital feelup with the additional pornoscanner option?

And all because of some vague similarity between "hmm, that's odd, better tell someone" and the "Citizens! Your comrades may be undermining the State! Report their activity NOW!" of fascist and communist states?

That's … weird. It's like you fear your government, but you just plain distrust each other even more…
posted by Pinback at 9:09 PM on December 7, 2010 [5 favorites]

Video to coincide with a sale of brown shirts in aisle 4.
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 9:09 PM on December 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

Okay, so I am a nonviolent person but it is shit like this that makes me want to bomb.

Can we all just try to get along and remember that the average person is like 1000000% more likely to die because of the stuff they buy at Walmart and eat, or because of environmental degradation caused by our nonchalant devastation of the planet?

Can we please get our heads screwed on straight?
posted by Deathalicious at 9:09 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

City 17. It's safer here.
posted by disclaimer at 9:11 PM on December 7, 2010 [9 favorites]

Okay, so I am a nonviolent person but it is shit like this that makes me want to bomb.

'whont-whont-whont-wahhnnn'

"Knife purchase Isle 3 Isle 3 alert code 3216. Hard lines call line 17"
posted by clavdivs at 9:29 PM on December 7, 2010

Why is it that the further we get from 9/11, the more draconian the War on Terror gets?
posted by xenophile at 9:36 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

Why is it that the further we get from 9/11, the more draconian the War on Terror gets?

Nostalgia.
posted by rhizome at 9:38 PM on December 7, 2010 [7 favorites]

Offer not good after curfew in sectors R or N.
posted by and for no one at 9:40 PM on December 7, 2010 [7 favorites]

Is this a tactic to show middle America what it's like to take the subway?
posted by maryr at 9:46 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Shouldn't dystopian futures happen in the future?
posted by dirigibleman at 9:50 PM on December 7, 2010 [17 favorites]

I remember the good old days when we would just stone someone to death for looking funny. Now we've got all this government involved. Concentration camps, pain rays, political prisons, surveillance state, institutionalized profiling, ionizing radiation emitting body scanners, financial powers, cheap mercenary armies, even entire departments dedicated to manufacturing terrorism, who needs all this shit? Man alone can oppress his neighbor well enough without all this interference from the state. Fucking enlightenment screwed everything up.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:53 PM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

Don't worry, some governments still find time to stone people as well.
posted by maryr at 9:54 PM on December 7, 2010

I don't shop at Wal*Mart. Does that make me a traitor?
posted by five fresh fish at 10:01 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

twsf: "Wait, I thought East Germany LOST the Cold War.."

"At least they kept their borders secure!"
posted by symbioid at 10:18 PM on December 7, 2010

Jazz.bot: "And they don't think paranoid middle Americans aren't already reporting every god-damned suspicious toythey see on the streets?!"

Remember when Hakim Bey called that kinda shit "Poetic Terrorism"? Now, I guess they've just removed the poetry from life, and it's just your plain ol' every day terror!
posted by symbioid at 10:20 PM on December 7, 2010

All I can think of is Starship Troopers. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?"
posted by mrbill at 10:21 PM on December 7, 2010 [6 favorites]

BUT HOW CAN THAT WOMAN TERRORIZE ME AT CHECKOUT!
posted by clavdivs at 10:23 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I told you something like this would happen if you appointed Bin Laden to the head of the DHS, but did anyone listen?
posted by klangklangston at 10:40 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Let's see here... 128 comments... posted during the work week... not about bacon, fonts, Sara Palin, or a TV show- surely there's some good stuff up in here.

[time passes]

...aww damn it.
posted by hamida2242 at 10:43 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Posting again to increase comment count and thereby lure in the unwitting, hehe
posted by hamida2242 at 10:44 PM on December 7, 2010

Is there any sensible explanation except malice and conspiracy?

You forgot avarice.
posted by ob1quixote at 11:38 PM on December 7, 2010

Dear Americans: some parts of your government think you're a bunch of sniveling chickenshits.

So are you? Are you really? You wanna act so the whole world thinks you're a sniveling, pants-wetting chickenshit?

Or can we put an end to this crap already? If you'll remember before 9/11, we had another big terrorist attack, and the terrorist bomber was a native-English-speaking blond caucasian US Army veteran.

Is this a tactic to show middle America what it's like to take the subway?

Or be at any major airport?
posted by zoogleplex at 11:54 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Alex Jones to the rescue!
posted by telstar at 12:00 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Why is it that the further we get from 9/11, the more draconian the War on Terror gets?"

Honestly? It's because 9/11 scared everyone, but had a direct impact on a relatively small proportion of America's total population. For most of the rest terrorism is an unknown, and given a lack of first-hand experience people tie themselves in knots with anxiety fearing what might happen next. Government most of all.
posted by Kevin Street at 12:04 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

I see London, I see France.
posted by Decani at 12:09 AM on December 8, 2010

Or can we put an end to this crap already?

Well... okay!
posted by salvia at 12:11 AM on December 8, 2010

Leaked memo****Meat department- 'Deploy Canadian Bacon'
posted by clavdivs at 12:14 AM on December 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

Fuck that shit...
posted by Windopaene at 12:39 AM on December 8, 2010

Pabst Blue Ribbon?
posted by lumensimus at 1:15 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Really, I think this is a plot to keep Formula 409 out of the hands of brown people.
posted by Foam Pants at 1:17 AM on December 8, 2010

The DHS is Mother, the DHS is Father.

Protect the Family.

Obey.

Trust the DHS.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:53 AM on December 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

Wait, I thought East Germany LOST the Cold War...

My first reaction was 'this is just like East Germany'. Then my second reaction was 'wait, I know some East Germans. They actual said it wasn't that bad, living under Communism'. Then I remembered that this was because they had social equality and free education and healthcare.

So there you have it: contemporary America, all the worst parts of Communism, and none of the good ones.
posted by Infinite Jest at 3:40 AM on December 8, 2010 [47 favorites]

The scene: a Wal-Mart parking lot near you
posted by aeshnid at 4:30 AM on December 8, 2010

This thread is unwittingly hilarious to me, because I keep misreading "DHS" as DFS. Add in the fact that they're producing videos (DFS are notorious for their irritating adverts), and I end up thinking they're about to offer a Double Discount Sofa Sale whenever you report a potential terrorist.
posted by ZsigE at 5:04 AM on December 8, 2010

I wonder what the minimum shopping basket load would be for triggering a snitch call from the person in line behind you? What does Walmart sell that you could just walk in and buy for maximum mayhem production?
posted by pracowity at 5:13 AM on December 8, 2010

Having perused People of Walmart more than once, there's going to be a whole hell of a lot of calls about "suspicious people / activity."
posted by menschlich at 5:41 AM on December 8, 2010

Little by little, bit by bit, Science Fiction becomes Depressing Reality.
posted by tommasz at 5:54 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you think about just how bad it would be right now if BinLaden had actually existed, you'd easily see that this is nothing to worry about. Carry on, citizens.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:25 AM on December 8, 2010

Depressing.

And depressing because I can't see any possible way a rational person can imagine that this either addresses a real threat, or helps safeguard America.

The USA has suffered very few attacks from foreign terrorists, and almost all of those attacks have focused on large cities and have not involved Wal-Mart or it's customers in the slightest. Homegrown terrorism almost exclusively involves right wing Christians attacking liberals in events that are never, ever, labeled as terrorism by the US government.

Which leads naturally to the conclusion that this measure is not, in fact, designed to counter any real threat, but rather to induce a fearful and mistrustful attitude in the general population. That's veering into tinfoil hat territory, but I'm not really able to see any other real explanations. It is categorically impossible that the people at DHS think that Al Qaeda is shopping at Wal-Mart and that Wal-Mart shoppers will provide critical information to foiling an Al Qaeda plot.

It is all but guaranteed that this will result in an explosion of false reports, almost all of which will be racist in nature.

Which brings us back to the question of what they were thinking, what the actual objective of this plan is. If we dismiss the stated purpose, and I think we have to, what we're left with are explanations that are tinfoil hattish.

So am I crazy to think that this is my government acting not in hopes of foiling terrorism but in hopes of turning the citizenry on itself?
posted by sotonohito at 6:53 AM on December 8, 2010 [8 favorites]

How is that possible? Is there any explanation other than there are very highly placed individuals within our government who are doing their damnedest to use overzealous and ineffective security theater to discredit and sabotage their own departments?

Is there any sensible explanation except malice and conspiracy?

I refer you to Hanlon's Razor.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 6:56 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

am I crazy to think that this is my government acting not in hopes of foiling terrorism but in hopes of turning the citizenry on itself?

Not crazy, merely trusting. You're trusting your two-corporatist-party system to have some actual semblance of public policy, even if it's not a policy you're personally comfortable with.

What you seem to be overlooking is the fact that since 9/11, your elected representatives have been spending their entire lives gripped by the the paralyzing fear that the media will portray them as "soft on terrorism" and thereby lose them their jobs to Tweedledumber.

In fact your elected representatives no longer run your country; Rupert Murdoch runs your country, and Rupert considers himself well enough insulated from the hoi polloi that he has no reason to avoid terrorizing it and its representatives. A polarized and fearful populace is good for Rupert - it boosts his ratings and sells more advertising.

It would be good if large numbers of people started calling local law enforcement and saying something every time they saw a Fox personality promoting fear in the guise of reporting. Because there is terrorism in the United States, and it did come from a foreigner, and as an Australian I feel kind of bad about that.
posted by flabdablet at 7:24 AM on December 8, 2010 [10 favorites]

Yes, Hello, Homeland Security? I'm at Walmart and I saw some suspicious behavior...

Well, there's this old woman working the register, she's got to be 70, and she looks really tired, and she told me she was retired but she had to go back to work because she needs the insurance and she's barely living paycheck to paycheck anyway and she had back surgery a couple weeks ago and, get this, Walmart is only paying her minimum wage even though they made 3.6 billion dollars just this last quarter.

What? Well, I think it's suspicious.
posted by misha at 7:29 AM on December 8, 2010 [50 favorites]

Honestly sometimes I think we've decided to tear each other apart cause we're bored.
posted by The Whelk at 7:31 AM on December 8, 2010 [4 favorites]

Eh, this doesn't seem like a big deal, it's mostly the government attempting another angle in terms of preventing attacks. We are at war and I think it's reasonable for the government to be asking its people to keep an eye for suspicious stuff.

Wouldn't want it to go much beyond this though.
posted by nomadicink at 8:00 AM on December 8, 2010

I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily

No, it's:

"...I saw you at the Super WalMart, Walt Whitman, childless, lonely old grubber, poking among the meats in the refrigerator and eyeing the grocery boys.
I saw the video and reported you, Walt Whitman, because you were acting so differently from the other shoppers,
And, Walt Whitman, because you carried unknown things in a strange parcel tucked beneath one manly arm..."

(with apologies to both Ginsburg and Whitman)
posted by aught at 8:08 AM on December 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

Honestly sometimes I think we've decided to tear each other apart cause we're bored.

Isn't this pretty much a one-line description of human history? Maybe alternating "bored" every once in a while with "hungry" or "afraid."
posted by aught at 8:11 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

This reminds me of a time I was listening to right-wing talk radio and a furious caller was on the line screaming about terrorists in his neighborhood. He lived somewhere else in Michigan. Apparently, two men had gone into his elderly mother's home and pressured her into purchasing a very expensive vacuum cleaner. When he discovered this and tried to track these terrorists down, he couldn't find them - they had absconded with a hefty portion of her fixed income! After several minutes of ranting about terrorists, even the show's host was audibly irritated, saying something along the lines of, "Sir... sir, excuse me sir. That's not...sir... that's not really terrorism. Now I think, ....excuse me sir... yes those are bad men, but not really terrorists. Okay. Goodbye."
It was pretty hilarious. I hope there's an army of angry, frugal sons out there with their fingers on the dial pad, just waiting for an opportunity to report those terrorist-vacuum-cleaner-salesmen directly to Napolitano's office.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:22 AM on December 8, 2010 [5 favorites]

"Were the modern world a patient in my care, I would diagnose it suicidal."
-Sofia Lamb, Bioshock 2
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:58 AM on December 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

Will these monitors be able to switch over to the Two Minutes Hate?

I thought the Justin Bieber video was the more commercially viable 3:21.

I wonder what the secret overhead speakers phrase for "possible terrorist" will be. "Admiral Akbar to electronics, Admiral Akbar to electronics please"...
posted by nomisxid at 8:59 AM on December 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

In the department of thin silver linings, though (Aisle 12, in the way back by the potting soil, on the bottom shelf behind the clearance plastic turkeys and one broken neon green water pistol) local law enforcement are now going to be so busy processing all the suspicious characters at Wal Mart that they won't have time to do anything else, which is excellent news for the skateboarding, pot smoking, weird clothes wearing, driving in the wrong neighborhood and non Wal Mart shopping demographic.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:13 AM on December 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

It's time we added a Secretary of Wal-Mart as a cabinet-level position.
posted by Legomancer at 9:19 AM on December 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

68 likes, 2,026 dislikes
posted by mrgrimm at 9:33 AM on December 8, 2010

The problem with the idea of something being "suspicious" is that as time passes, that goalpost keeps moving further and further away; ten years ago, I would have thought the idea of the pain-rays and "free speech zones" were absurdly suspicious, and anyone advocating them would have been a person-of-interest in my eyes.

Nowadays that doesn't even hit the radar. Cops taze people for the most trivial of non-compliance, politicians advocate "reloading" instead of retreating, and half of my neighbors are stockpiling ammunition because an Australian Billionaire's media empire has them convinced that we are on the precipice of some kind of, I don't know, race war? Mass disarming? Islamic attack on Christmas?

Everything is fucking suspicious. I feel like I took some hallucinogenic drugs in the late-90s and they haven't worn off yet.

At this point I'm pretty convinced that I could drive down the street in an APC with a .50 machine gun on the roof, and as long as it was labeled TSA most people would just shrug and assume it was supposed to be there.

We're living in a surrealist comedy where we are the clueless actors and the most obscenely wealthy and powerful are the audience, laughing at our wacky hijinks.
posted by quin at 10:20 AM on December 8, 2010 [9 favorites]

It still amuses me that the only time in my life that I have ever set foot in a Walmart was in China. This is either a clear victory for communism over capitalism or a clear victory for capitalism over communism, but I'm not sure which.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:00 AM on December 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

"If You See Something, Say Something" - this is the opposite of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, right?
posted by Enki at 11:03 AM on December 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

omg redneck paranoia
posted by elder18 at 11:06 AM on December 8, 2010

twsf: "Wait, I thought East Germany LOST the Cold War.."

symbioid: "At least they kept their borders secure!"

It's always easier to keep people in...
posted by coolguymichael at 11:11 AM on December 8, 2010

omg redneck paranoia

I agree that Wal-Mart is an unlikely target.

But I live in Washington, DC and I ride the metro every day. So I do take these things seriously. One day I was on the metro and there was this very weird guy walking around that scared the shit out of me. He had funny clothes which had electrical wires sticking out of them which were connected to boxes and stuff. I did mention it to an officer when I got off the train. That, and DC on September 11, 2001 were the only times I was truly scared of a terrorisr attack. I was scared during the "Sniper Time" as we called it, but I figured it was some homegrown gun nut.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:31 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Forgot to add my main point which is that they've been running that campaign for at least a year in the metro system. Janet Napolitano comes on the speaker and says something.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:33 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Can we call it fascism yet?

God no. You can complain that gee the last thing we want is people to be aware that something could happen, but facism it is not. There's no one party state, no corpratist philosophy (look it up it means something different than you think it does), you can vote and say what you want.

We have terrible economic equality, generally not a feature of a Facist state stucture, which generally freezes class structures and keeps wealth proportions locked. Here we have an ever larger share going to an ever smaller proportion. This is not facism at all.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:39 AM on December 8, 2010

The other thing that pisses me off about the Slate piece is that it doesn't reveal that this is an old program that has gone on for some time. Then they throw in Wal-Mart to get everyone's hackles up. I mean its pretty dumb to spend money on this program in Wal-Mart, but it makes sense in the nation's subways, which were the target of an actual (not FBI encouraging dumbasses) plot which was broken up.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:44 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

What exactly does this program actually entail, other than encouraging people to be twitchier than usual?

The fundamental idea is to teach you that other citizens are to be feared, not trusted. It's a critical component to taking absolute power, and is being targeted at precisely the people least able to understand the real purpose of the messages.

I thought that was called "the news".
posted by threeturtles at 11:51 AM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Forgot to add my main point which is that they've been running that campaign for at least a year in the metro system.

Now all I can think of is that giant projection of the Novacorp boss in Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.

(Could someone turn off the fat rotating guy?)
posted by dirigibleman at 11:53 AM on December 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

What you seem to be overlooking is the fact that since 9/11, your elected representatives have been spending their entire lives gripped by the the paralyzing fear that the media will portray them as "soft on terrorism" and thereby lose them their jobs to Tweedledumber.

Threadwinner.

Heaven forbid some loony does some serious damage during a [Republican|Democratic] administration. The country will vote [Democratic|Republican] instead for the next year or so until they forget or a new loony takes the stage.
posted by mmrtnt at 12:00 PM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Can we call it fascism yet?
...
God no.This is not facism at all.

From:
http://www.worldfuturefund.org/wffmaster/Reading/Germany/mussolini.htm

This is the only complete official translation we know of on the web, copied directly from an official Fascist government publication of 1935, Fascism Doctrine and Institutions, by Benito Mussolini, Ardita Publishers, Rome, pages 7-42.

the Fascist conception of life stresses the importance of the State and accepts the individual only in so far as his interests coincide with those of the State
(and this is not the case in America? Go ahead. Do something outside the interest of the State like, oh say Mr. Assange has done.)

Fascism is definitely and absolutely opposed to the doctrines of liberalism, both in the political and the economic sphere.
(Snark - see Republican claims of what they are. Non Snark - compare the US "liberal" party to other nations "Liberal" parties)

For Fascism the State is absolute, individuals and groups relative. Individuals and groups are admissible in so far as they come within the State. Instead of directing the game and guiding the material and moral progress of the community, the liberal State restricts its activities to recording results.
(Go ahead oh deniers....show how 5.6 million words in, oh say, the US Tax code is somehow not setting up a framework for what is admissible by the State)

If liberalism spells individualism, Fascism spells government.
(And the US level of spending by Government reflects what then?)

The Fascist State expresses the will to exercise power and to command.
(The military is an expression of what? Happy bunnies? How about all the wordy-word laws - if that is not command....what is it?)

The old canard about Bentito Mussolini is 'Fascism is the blending of Corporate and State power.' If that is the definition to use - what are calls to "Use the power of Government to get the economy out of the ditch" if not the call of Government power to aid Corporate power?
posted by rough ashlar at 12:06 PM on December 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

The Fascist State expresses the will to exercise power and to command.
(The military is an expression of what? Happy bunnies? How about all the wordy-word laws - if that is not command....what is it?)

Virtually every major nation ever to exist in human history (except those like Japan, whom we defeated in war and deliberately stuck with a weak military afterwards) meets this last criteria, under your very broad interpretation of this language.

"Use the power of Government to get the economy out of the ditch" if not the call of Government power to aid Corporate power?

Your reasoning is so imprecise and full of sloppy over-generalizations, it's no wonder you see fascism lurking everywhere. The economy is not identical with "corporate power." Economies existed long before modern corporations did (which, ironically, only exist in any form as a product of the law in the first place). The preamble to the constitution makes it clear what the intended role of the Federal government was to be from the start, and that role explicitly included:

...establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity

In fact, the much-maligned "welfare programs" that Republicans have been mindlessly obsessed with eliminating outright over the last 20 or so years explicitly took their name and justification for being directly from the expressed intent of the US Constitution. But good luck finding any recent think-tank analyses or talking points that admit to this basic fact.

I don't disagree that there's an extremely ugly turn toward a kind of institutionalized plutocracy in America that almost amounts to a kind of de facto Fascism. But your specific arguments for that view seem really rambling and incoherent to me.
posted by saulgoodman at 12:53 PM on December 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

extremely ugly turn toward a kind of institutionalized plutocracy in America that almost amounts to a kind of de facto Fascism.

Would that be Mr. Orwell's definition of Fascism - something you just don't like?

But your specific arguments for that view seem really rambling and incoherent to me.

If one's position is there is no problem - no argument is going to change anothers mind. I could have spent hours or days slicing and dicing the translation, provided links to actions taken here 8+ years into WWIII and you'd see "TL,DNR". Where's the incentive to try to sway the unswayable?
posted by rough ashlar at 1:23 PM on December 8, 2010

Just for clarification, my position isn't and never has been that "there is no problem," if that's what you meant to suggest.
posted by saulgoodman at 2:52 PM on December 8, 2010

So there you have it: contemporary America, all the worst parts of Communism, and none of the good ones

Privatize the means of control and the means of drumming up demand and you have a very profitable business.

What's that? It's not fun when you end up being the one who is wiretapped, searched, detained, and put into a special containment facility for enhanced interrogation so that several companies can profit at your suffering?

What are you, socialist?
posted by yeloson at 2:59 PM on December 8, 2010

We took America's jobs, and we gave them to China.

We took America's money, and we gave it to China.

We took America's power, and we gave it to China.

Now, Wal-Mart is proud to announce that we're taking China's paranoid state propaganda machine and giving it to America.

Wal-Mart. A boot stomping on a human face—every day.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:34 PM on December 8, 2010 [4 favorites]

But it's a discounted boot. So there's that.
posted by flabdablet at 6:34 PM on December 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

Ok, guys. Guys. Enough with this debate about Fascism. Let's just call this something new.

Douchocracy.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:57 PM on December 8, 2010

Ok, guys. Guys. Enough with this debate about Fascism. Let's just call this something new.

Douchocracy.

This is where I would post an image macro of Ross Douthat saying this is relevant to his interests or something.
posted by grobstein at 9:25 PM on December 8, 2010

Hey, here's a funny from "Not Always Right" that seems relevant to me.
posted by zoogleplex at 10:04 PM on December 8, 2010

I saw something.
It was a cloud.

I said something.
I told you it looked like a sleeping baby.


You didn't even look up from your romance novel...


I saw something.
It was apathy.

And I said nothing.
posted by Debaser626 at 10:03 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

Douchocracy

How about just authoritarianism? Too long to be catchy, though.
posted by Malor at 1:16 PM on December 10, 2010

Hello, I'd like to report a suspicious person.

Thank you for your call, proceed.

Well they have a strange device in their hands and it looks suspicious.

OK, go on.

Well, it's in homewares and it looks like a drill with two arms attached. It goes up and down. It looks dangerous.

Is it a corkscrew?

A what?

A corkscrew, for opening bottles of wine.

Oh Gawd, are they terroirists?
posted by Elmore at 1:40 PM on December 10, 2010

Fascist.
posted by The World Famous at 1:44 PM on December 10, 2010