Awkward Pregnancy Photos

December 12, 2010 1:01 PM

Awkward Pregnancy Photos
posted by Blazecock Pileon (84 comments total)

Welp, I do believe I’ve found a new avatar for 2011.
posted by sidesh0w at 1:05 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

me too
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:08 PM on December 12, 2010 [15 favorites]

You know, a lot of these are corny, some are humorous, some are a bit strange, but, I'll give them all credit for trying. I hope they had fun doing these!

It's just two bad we can't identify them all as Christians who got pregnant at Walmart and you would have the trifecta of LOL-ality, amirite?
posted by HuronBob at 1:21 PM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Fetuses of Wal-Mart
posted by Joe Beese at 1:22 PM on December 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

So that would be most of them then?
posted by gomichild at 1:30 PM on December 12, 2010

The watermelon/gun one makes it all worth it. I thought it was great with just the watermelon, but the gun just takes it over the top.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:33 PM on December 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

Your in-class creative writing exercise: take a look at the picture of lady with water melon and gun and write a short-story of how such a photo came to be.
posted by Pantalaimon at 1:37 PM on December 12, 2010 [12 favorites]

She just held up a grocery. I think that's obvious.
posted by deliquescent at 1:39 PM on December 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

Commendable trigger discipline, though.
posted by ryanrs at 1:40 PM on December 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Is the pregnancy glamour shot a newly popular phenomenon, or am I just more aware of it because of facebook et al? That is, I've seen my friends in (slightly less ridiculous) versions of these photos.
posted by HeroZero at 1:41 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

right? i mean, is there something i'm supposed to do here other than point my finger & laugh in a smug and self-righteous way?

You could just laugh and not overthink it too much, I guess.
posted by Liquidwolf at 1:45 PM on December 12, 2010 [37 favorites]

If you're feeling up to it you could post a limerick.
posted by ryanrs at 1:45 PM on December 12, 2010 [10 favorites]

You could try a sarcastic comment.
posted by found missing at 1:47 PM on December 12, 2010 [10 favorites]

hat trick!!!!1
posted by r_nebblesworthII at 1:48 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who crossed the sea in a bucket
And when she got there
They asked for a fare
And she pulled up her dress and said, "actually, I can do whatever the fuck I want with my body. You try standing en pointe in your third trimester, you smug bastards."
posted by fight or flight at 1:48 PM on December 12, 2010 [57 favorites]

I meant a limerick about a watermelon and a gun.
posted by ryanrs at 1:49 PM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

This one's for fighting
This one's for reminding him
Creation's not fun.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:54 PM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Getting pregnant is so 2006, they might as well carry around a tiny dog while you are at it. Is there any chance these women are not actually pregnant and these are Halloween costumes or they got pregnant as self referential ironic comment on pregnancy? Kinda like Trucker hats and pbr were way back when?
posted by Ad hominem at 1:54 PM on December 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Some fella is on the run
Cause in the oven there’s a bun
Don’t ask about the mellon
She’s a fruitstand felon
And now Jamie’s got a gun
posted by found missing at 1:56 PM on December 12, 2010 [18 favorites]

me too

That one isn't awkward at all. If that picture communicates anything, it's that she's fully in charge of her circumstances.
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:58 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Kinda like Trucker hats and pbr were way back when?

Metafilter: every thread is about hipsters.
posted by naju at 1:58 PM on December 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

If I ever get someone pregnant, we are totally doing that stalker in the weeds shot.
posted by dirigibleman at 1:58 PM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Your in-class creative writing exercise: take a look at the picture of lady with water melon and gun and write a short-story of how such a photo came to be.

Okay, I'll start:

I've always loved the county fair. The rides, the foods-on-a-stick, the arts and crafts competitions, the armed robberies..

Wait, did I say armed robberies? I'm sorry, that was always the worst part of the country fair. But it's how my daddy made a living, and so every fall, starting around when I was around 14 or 15 or so, I got dragged along as an accomplice. Daddy didn't have a real high tolerance for seeing me in dangerous situations, so I usually just waited outside and drove the get away car. Or truck, as was usually the case.

I ran away from home when I was 19. Technically, a trailer, but I guess a trailer is a home, if you live in it. I thought I had gotten away from that life and put it behind me. But my husband, he ended up being a drunk, and he died in a car accident, and I was alone and scared and pregnant when my daddy showed up and said, "Betty Sue, I know you got your issues with me and all, but you're in a bad spot, and I want to help you out."

I said, "Well, unless you're going to help me out in a financial way, I don't want to hear anything about it."

"Well, it is a financial way, but I need your help to get the finances so i can help you out with your finances."

We had an argument, like the 5 years since I'd left had never happened, but in the end I agreed, because he did seem like he had a good plan. I hoped it was a fool-proof plan, because my daddy was the biggest damned fool I'd ever met, but I had my doubts. But I was desperate, so that was how I ended up in the county fair, 8 months pregnant, packing heat and holding a prize watermelon hostage...
posted by empath at 2:02 PM on December 12, 2010 [39 favorites]

With me in her belly a-swellin'
my mom took off with a melon
Dad couldn't make bail
so I was born in the jail
Where my dear old mum was a felon.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 2:03 PM on December 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

What makes this different from all the other "let's make fun of people's ill-advised photo shoots" posts that usually get deleted?
posted by Gator at 2:03 PM on December 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

What makes this post impossible to scroll past?
posted by found missing at 2:04 PM on December 12, 2010 [10 favorites]

Hm, am I missing something? Why the hockey tag?
posted by inmediasres at 2:10 PM on December 12, 2010

A melon, a gun, a kick in the bum, and a chase around the table.

Man, limericks with melons are harder than I thought.
posted by fcummins at 2:13 PM on December 12, 2010

What makes this different from all the other "let's make fun of people's ill-advised photo shoots" posts that usually get deleted?

You're commenting here, instead of in Metatalk.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:13 PM on December 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

There once was a man with a melon
And it's his damn fault that I'm swellin'
So I got me a gun
And he went on the run
And left me here holding the melon.
posted by oddman at 2:13 PM on December 12, 2010 [13 favorites]

Metafilter: every thread is about hipsters

Couldn't figure out how to blame it in Obama so hipsters it is.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:14 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

The dude in #9 reminded me of Paul Lynde at first glance. Which was odd.

I've been to playdates (with moms I didn't know terribly well) who would get out their maternity photoshoot albums and photos like a lot of these would be oohed and aahed over. For the most part, they make me uncomfortable. Am I a repressed prude? Probably. But yikes, some of these photos.
posted by pinky at 2:16 PM on December 12, 2010

...it's the consciousness of love...
posted by obvious at 2:24 PM on December 12, 2010

actually, I can do whatever the fuck I want with my body.

Yes, but with great power comes great responsibility. If you choose to pose your body with a large fruit and a weapon, you will have to accept the fact that it might be funny.
posted by Xezlec at 2:26 PM on December 12, 2010 [15 favorites]

What makes this different from all the other "let's make fun of people's ill-advised photo shoots" posts that usually get deleted?

The fact that this one is funny?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:40 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mr. Gallagher once had a wife
Whose ideas caused him much strife
He smashed melons for fun
She suggested a gun
Most people would just use a knife
posted by jrossi4r at 2:43 PM on December 12, 2010 [11 favorites]

I think it is obvious that the woman with the fruit and the firearm had just broken into and successfully robbed Banzai Labs.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:43 PM on December 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

These are awesome. Cheers Blazecock.
posted by Artw at 2:56 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

It's impossible to take a non-awkward pregnancy photo. You look like a bug.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:56 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Was there just one page of this? It didn't seem like there were more pages? If not, then, may I share the one I've got saved in my WTF/Wacky Images folder?

Baby gonna be a sharpshooter someday
posted by symbioid at 3:00 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Holy cow, symbiod, that startled me.
posted by mmmbacon at 3:05 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Add a ski mask and you'd have this fairly-standard "hostage" target.
posted by Kadin2048 at 3:07 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Why the hockey tag?

Because of Hockey Mom
posted by Namlit at 3:09 PM on December 12, 2010

OK, but these are (admittedly by the blogger) pretty much all pulled from Awkward Family Photos. Credit where it's due.

And those photos are often self-submitted, so the guilt factor is decreased.
posted by emjaybee at 3:28 PM on December 12, 2010

I think it is obvious that the woman with the fruit and the firearm had just broken into and successfully robbed Banzai Labs.

I strongly advise not calling her Mrs. Bigbooty
posted by zippy at 3:30 PM on December 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

Some of you big-talkers are just gonna crap your pants if Ms Watermelon-and-a-Gun shows up in this thread, Neil Armstrong-style. (Or, better yet, in MetaTalk.)
posted by No-sword at 3:37 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I am recovering from some kinda bug that's going around and I always lose my voice towards the end. This post is making me laugh really hard but it's painful and it's coming out weird like little squeaky gasps and my husband is asking me if I am alright, he can't tell if I'm laughing or choking.
posted by ifjuly at 3:46 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

"You want this melon? You feel lucky, punk? Well, do you????"

Never get between a pregnant woman and her melon. Just sayin'.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:50 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

The one with the naked man is all kinds of whoa, squick, tho.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:51 PM on December 12, 2010

"BigbooTAY" dammit!
posted by Ron Thanagar at 3:52 PM on December 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

There once was a chick with a melon
the Sheriff mistook for a felon
she pulled out her Glock
Shot off his cock
Something, something, pregnant
posted by MikeMc at 3:52 PM on December 12, 2010 [12 favorites]

I'm assuming the lady is gonna make you pass that watermelon through one of your orifices so you know what birthing feels like. The gun is for persuasion.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 3:55 PM on December 12, 2010 [17 favorites]

I don't think she's actually pregnant, I think she's just been caught stealing and she ain't going back to Sing Sing this time, you dirty coppers, see.
posted by dgaicun at 4:13 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

The one with the naked man is all kinds of whoa, squick, tho.

I know! It's like, c'mon, guys, we already KNOW you've had sex. Doesn't mean we want to SEE it!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:19 PM on December 12, 2010

Shame, we never took a picture of my wife pregnant, with our second son,and boy did he grow up to be a "monster", the one and only, kinda-famous "Mathowie".
posted by tustinrick at 4:22 PM on December 12, 2010 [15 favorites]

Something, something, pregnant

"and used it to get herself pregnant."
posted by jeremy b at 4:25 PM on December 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

The tire puzzles me. Greatly. I keep thinking about the tire. I'm trying to wrap my head around "Parents to be. Pregnant belly. Tire." It's like some kind of IQ test and I just can't see how they go together and it's going to keep me up all night, I just KNOW it.
posted by sonika at 4:34 PM on December 12, 2010 [13 favorites]

Some pregnant gals pose with a fruit,
Some pose in their birth-a-day suit,
but most think it's fun
when they pose with a gun
so you better not laugh or they'll shoot.
posted by Sublimity at 4:39 PM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

The tire puzzles me. Greatly.

It's from the car in which Leland Jr. was conceived in the back seat of.
posted by MikeMc at 4:50 PM on December 12, 2010

Most pregnancy photos accord
The viewer a chance to be bored
So instead of a tire,
Or a man in the briar,
Pose with a gun and a gourd.
posted by snofoam at 5:11 PM on December 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

I like the ones at the bottom the best-the couple that are adopting-and mocking and yet still participating in this whole pregnancy glam-shot thing. She links to their site [actually I think it's a blog post about them, but anyway]-which is pretty funny.
posted by atomicstone at 5:17 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Though pregnancy craving amuses,
He who pokes fun surely loses.
When she pulls her pistol
It will be clear as crystal
The lady can eat what she chooses.
posted by snofoam at 5:28 PM on December 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Pregnancy photos
Are a little bit tacky -
So are limericks.
posted by doublehappy at 5:43 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Be it a son or a daughter,
She's prepared like a mother should oughta.
To protect her flock,
She'll pull out her Glock,
And bash your head in with a melon of water.
posted by SNWidget at 5:46 PM on December 12, 2010

Pregnancy photos
Are a little bit tacky sexy -
So are limericks.
posted by snofoam at 5:54 PM on December 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

A young lady whose belly was forthright
Was also quite fatal to excite
She'd been known to mount
A huge body count
By bringing a gun to a food-fight
posted by Sparx at 5:59 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

A seller of fruit, name of Helen
Went to pains to protect a large melon
When her hormones went wild
Due to being with child
Her activities made her a felon
posted by Marla Singer at 6:06 PM on December 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

She's gestating while holding a gun,
from that you can intuit a ton.
But as for the melon,
i'm afraid there's no tellin'.
Perhaps it's a subliminal pun.
posted by thusspakeparanoia at 6:23 PM on December 12, 2010 [10 favorites]

You know, I've got a lot of sympathy for the people in these photos. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing - none of us would be here without it, after all. It seems where we get tripped up is when we cheese ball the hell out of naked pregnant lady. Additionally, there's probably a practical difference between beautiful-in-private and beautiful-on-Christmas-card.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 6:55 PM on December 12, 2010

What is up with the guns?
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 6:56 PM on December 12, 2010

On the road on the run with a melon
Ran a desp'rate armed woman named Helen
You see, this commodity,
A genetic oddity,
Was the cause of her belly a-swellin'


Talk about Frankenfruit, I tell you what
posted by Marla Singer at 7:04 PM on December 12, 2010

A melon she held, and then distal
to the massive green fruit was the pistol.
She was great with her child--
was she hungry or wild?
A poem, a pic, an epistle.
posted by Sublimity at 7:10 PM on December 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

These folks whose pictures they takin'
Have no clue the trouble they're makin'
When the pics they be posted
On some sites hipster-hosted
The force of the snark is amazin'
posted by angrycat at 8:04 PM on December 12, 2010

Baby gonna be a sharpshooter someday

Ok, now I'm starting to get the baby-gun connection.
posted by Bag Man at 9:04 PM on December 12, 2010

I feel the watermelon and the gun sum up so many of my feelings about the third trimester.

1) Yes, it's a watermelon, and I'll shoot you if you don't stop staring.
2) Don't take my food or I will shoot you.
3) I just might shoot you because I feel like it. I also happen to be randomly carrying a watermelon.
posted by mere at 9:11 PM on December 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

Sadly the post seems to be missing what is clearly the horrifying-est of all horrifying maternity photos.
posted by kate blank at 9:46 PM on December 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Giving birth? It's like shitting a watermelon. Here, bend over, let me show you... I SAID BEND OVER!
posted by BoscosMom at 11:34 PM on December 12, 2010

Boom
posted by fantodstic at 12:35 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sadly the post seems to be missing what is clearly the horrifying-est of all horrifying maternity photos.

"Mawmee where did I come from?"
"Let me show you the pictures..."
posted by spacelux at 12:38 AM on December 13, 2010

Boom
posted by fantodstic at 7:35 PM on December 13 [+] [!] [quote]

The amputations probably hurt more.
posted by doublehappy at 2:21 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Some members of our MetaFilter
Write limericks all off their kilter
They generally rhyme
(At least most of the time)
But their meter is pretty much completely screwed up.
posted by ook at 7:54 AM on December 13, 2010 [4 favorites]

Wowzer. Limericks are to Metafilter what denial of service attacks are to 4Chan, right? What rhymes with Visa...
posted by RokkitNite at 8:41 AM on December 13, 2010

The beach ball adoption set is just too beautiful to me for some reason. It's like you can see how difficult the process was in their eyes. Or maybe I am just being an art nerd.
posted by djduckie at 11:23 AM on December 13, 2010

Something, something, pregnant

Now who'll buy what he's sellin'?
posted by Kurichina at 8:47 AM on December 14, 2010