September 4, 2001

10:30 AM

How many times have you cheated?Did you feel sorry for it, or did you just enjoy yourself? And did you still love the one you cheated on? How many times would you have to cheat before you admit you aren't really in love with your S.O?
posted by stoneegg21 (31 comments total)

Call me old-fashioned (been married AND faithful for 15 years now), but after reading the first few paragraphs, my reaction is: "What a bastard!" Yuck!
posted by tippiedog at 10:59 AM on September 4, 2001

Life is a breeze if you can manage to avoid two things: Addiction and adultery. Even if you aren't married, if you just have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't cheat. Break off with one love before you take up with the other. Because you can be sure of one thing in life, we pay for our peccadillos. And pay, and pay, and pay.
posted by Faze at 11:03 AM on September 4, 2001

though i've never cheated, and am pretty sure that i would never cheat, i guess there could be a slight slight chance that i would slip up and do it (it's easy to you won't.).. and though the guys actions are pretty disgusting, it's an entertaining read.
posted by lotsofno at 11:50 AM on September 4, 2001

Entertaining? My god.. I don't know who is more disgusting.. the writer or his wife?
posted by gloege at 11:52 AM on September 4, 2001

Yuck is right. All cheats are creeps, no matter what they cheat at. The worst cheat is the honest one, the one who insists on telling everybody about it.
Besides, my father taught me that to kiss and tell was the epitome of male bad taste.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:55 AM on September 4, 2001

The epitome of male bad taste is Sans-a-belt Slacks.
posted by ColdChef at 12:02 PM on September 4, 2001

Yeah and those coordinated pre-tied neckties exactly the same colour as the shirt which go so well with those Sans-a-belt slacks. Good cheater material, definitely. Tasselled $500 penny-loafers, the truly pointy ones, are also "de rigueur".
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:08 PM on September 4, 2001

the very moral tone of most [posters suggests that they are either on the young side or fairly naive. As has been pointed out any number of times recently, monogamy is hardly the way the species operates.
If the divorce rate is still at about 50%, do you think that adulterous behavior has nothing to do with this?
At one time Adultery was grounds for divorce. At present it is a possible reason for it...
And no. I don't cheat But I have had any number of married friends who have cheated. In some cases their spouses are aware of it. In others, no. Are they wrteched humans? I think not. A recent example: Congressman Condit. Clearly he has cheated any number of times. I don't see his "aqggrieved" wife stomping off and leaving him.
And finally I have known a few guys who swore they would never cheat. And then circumstances altered this for them.
What harm may or may not be doneis up to those in the situation. I have crawled out of the monastery and confron a not-always moral world.
posted by Postroad at 12:09 PM on September 4, 2001

Are they wrteched humans? I think not. A recent example: Congressman Condit. Clearly he has cheated any number of times. I don't see his "aqggrieved" wife stomping off and leaving him.

That's the best example you can come up with? If he doesn't qualify for "wretched human" status I don't know who does. OJ maybe? Just 'cause his wife is too much of a moron to leave him does not make his actions excuseable.
posted by spilon at 12:13 PM on September 4, 2001

I don't buy this biological imperative that Postroad alludes to ("monogamy is hardly the way the species operates"). It's beside the point to argue whether or not we're genetically programmed for monogamy. I like to think I'm a rational being who makes conscious decisions to act in certain ways. To me, it's the matter of trust and honesty. I gave my word in my marriage vows, and I consider myself a man of my word.
posted by tippiedog at 12:21 PM on September 4, 2001

okay, so i posted a little too soon.. upon reading more, i started to rethink my usage of "entertaining."
posted by lotsofno at 12:21 PM on September 4, 2001

It is one thing when a person makes a mistake, and gets caught up in moment of lust or passion. However, the fellow who wrote this article is just an abhorable human being. His self pity is astounding. Oh the poor guy who just CAN'T stop indulging his every whim at the expense of the people who love and care about him. Boy, do I feel bad for HIM. He is just a selfish, self important slimey bastard, and his life makes me sick. I wish I had never read this article, because it just makes me paranoid as to just how two-timing and diluted people in this world can be.

I just know that if my partner ever cheated on me, or caused the two of us to be in debt so he could spend money on another woman, it would destroy me. And while I can see the appeal of infidelity in some regards, all it really is, to me, is an incredibly selfish act. If I felt that the need to be an infidel was so overwhelming, then I would have the respect for the person I was sharing my life with at the time to end that relationship and pursue a new one.

Just because lots of people cheat and manage to continue maintaining the structure of their relationships, doesn't mean it's ok for my life.
posted by disaster at 12:23 PM on September 4, 2001

The question was, "How many times have you cheated?" My answer is "2". Did I enjoy it? Yes. Did I regret it? The first time, no; the second time, yes. And strangely, my spouse never knew. My feelings for my spouse never changed. It was all a long time ago. I'm an old fart now (despite the waffleboy moniker) and all I can say on the subject is that sometimes you just make mistakes. The guy in the posted article, however, has made more than his allotment, as far as I'm concerned.
posted by waffleboy at 12:33 PM on September 4, 2001

I don't buy this biological imperative that Postroad alludes to ("monogamy is hardly the way the species operates").

Yes, and remember our MeFi thread about monogomy being the top choice when fertility is hidden.
posted by jennak at 12:34 PM on September 4, 2001

Damn, for someone getting married in 26 days, that was a scary read.
posted by adampsyche at 12:42 PM on September 4, 2001

From the article: "So why write it, then? The real reason, I've decided, is far more simple, and far more complex. It has to do with validation."

I see that. It is common for someone to lose sense of self when half of it is made up of lies as it is no longer as simple as identifying yourself as just husband and wife. You begin to live a double life full of it's own separate and complex social obligations.

Cheating finds it's way all around the table however. We have men cheating on their wives, women cheating on their husbands, singles trying to steal one's significant other...it's way more common than most of us would be willing to accept. There is a lot of research, as postroad noted, documenting the nature of humans in this manner, that we are not genetically wired for monogamy...that shouldn't be overlooked. But the neat thing about humans, is that we can overcome any action that society, or our own id/libidos, pressure us into carrying out. In this guy's case, he got a way with it once and it then became an all consuming obsession. I really feel sorry for the bastard, he needs a shrink.
posted by samsara at 1:12 PM on September 4, 2001

that story originally appeared in the feb 2001 issue of esquire (u.s.).

why has guardian unlimited 'reprinted' it?
posted by double+good at 1:22 PM on September 4, 2001

I think this guy just needs a freaking hobby...something to think about besides women.
Give him a laptop with photoshop/fireworks and dreamweaver/golive .... with no net connection.

You wouldn't believe how much javascript I learned when our t1 at work went down ... three weeks with no net connection and a bookstore down the block ... I found initiative that I never dreamed I had.

It feels like Monday.
posted by Johannahh at 1:56 PM on September 4, 2001

Don'tcha just love salesmen? I found the phrase "the trifecta" to be particularly endearing.
posted by greensweater at 2:01 PM on September 4, 2001

I think my "favorite" thing about the article was the author's pathetic, thinly-veiled attempt to blame his persistent cheating on the two women who cheated on him. He's being painfully honest ("see? see? see how honest I am by telling you all about it?") and at the same time taking no responsibility for it. How nauseating.

There's so much to discuss here; humanity's proclivity toward polygamy (biological destiny? propagation of the species?) vs. humanity's ability to reason around instinctual responses; the holier-than-thou response I'm tempted to make; my own experiences; what to pick? I guess I'll say that I have cheated in the past, but realized it was a sign of something lacking in the relationship and ended it. I hated the way it made me feel, and haven't done it since. I don't necessarily think this makes me any better than this guy, but I sure am glad I'm not him. Does anyone else think he's sad, more than abhorrent?
posted by jennaratrix at 2:20 PM on September 4, 2001

Ya know, those of us that don't have a Significant Other really want to kill those of you that have one, but cheat on him/her.

...so do us losers a favor, and bail on the relationship. Maybe we can pick 'em up on the rebound...
posted by aramaic at 2:24 PM on September 4, 2001

Fact of the matter is, this guy shouldn't have gotten married or gotten into a serious relationship in the first place. He's not ready for commitment, and that's why he does the things he does.
posted by PWA_BadBoy at 3:29 PM on September 4, 2001

Times Cheated: 0
Times Cheated On: 2

Fuck bitches. Of course I was a lazy slug back then, but a sexy lazy slug nonetheless. Funny because after I broke it off, they wanted me back. And wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone.
posted by physics at 3:45 PM on September 4, 2001

But the neat thing about humans, is that we can overcome any action that society, or our own id/libidos, pressure us into carrying out. In this guy's case, he got a way with it once and it then became an all consuming obsession. I really feel sorry for the bastard, he needs a shrink.

Yeah. There's something particularly pathological about this guy. In my completely unmedical opinion, I would guess that the cheating seems more like a compulsion for him than an emotional need. Or maybe he's just, as the Italians say, a cafone.

...the author's pathetic, thinly-veiled attempt to blame his persistent cheating on the two women who cheated on him. He's being painfully honest ("see? see? see how honest I am by telling you all about it?") and at the same time taking no responsibility for it.

My favorite part of the article was when he likens himself to the closeted, oppressed homosexuals of a generation ago. Steve Whitehouse, liberator of the undersexed married man. I am reminded of my father's rationale for cheating: "I am not an attractive man."

I don't condemn the writer for cheating. I question why he bothers being married-- some people aren't meant for monogamy. I do think that it's lousy of him to rationalize it in the solipsistic way that he does.

And in answer to the OP (get yer brickbats ready), I've cheated in five different relationships. I never told any of my partners. I never had any guilt about it. I was not in love with any of them. There's no justification. I was just curious at the time. I can't be anything but detached about it now.
posted by cowboy_sally at 4:16 PM on September 4, 2001

I think the writer of the Observer article is lying through his teeth. I don't believe a word of his cheating story. Forty or so women? That creep is dreaming.
posted by caraig at 4:21 PM on September 4, 2001

Never cheated, never will. If I did have the desire, I would take it as a sign to end my relationship and proceed honestly. I don't think I could ever think so much of myself that I could justify betraying my partner.
posted by thirteen at 4:36 PM on September 4, 2001

All liars are repulsive. Do what you will, but do it honestly and openly, and don't betray those to whom you have made promises and a committment.
posted by rushmc at 6:26 PM on September 4, 2001

rushmc's post deserves to become a commandment.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:37 PM on September 4, 2001

This guy should have opted for an open marriage and waited until he met someone that shared his view on the matter. Or at least bought some willpower and common decency somewhere.
posted by bargle at 6:38 PM on September 4, 2001

why cheat when you can masturbate? seriously.
posted by moz at 7:02 PM on September 4, 2001

monogamy is hardly the way the species operates.

I beg to differ. Boundless promiscuity breeds disease and unwanted children. Unless you're going to tell me that condoms and orthonovum are naturally occuring means by which our species "operates".

Unless, of course, you belong to a species which simply lays 6 million eggs every year and hopes a couple of them manage to survive.

If the divorce rate is still at about 50%, do you think that adulterous behavior has nothing to do with this?


Adulterous behavior is a symptom of people getting married for the wrong reasons to the wrong people. It's not proof that we are incapable as a species of commiting to lifelong partners, nor is it evidence that monogamy is not a good idea.
posted by glenwood at 7:29 PM on September 4, 2001