Sex on Mars

December 20, 2010 7:12 PM

"...it can be predicted that male and female astronauts will engage in sexual relations during a mission to Mars." And then there are the babies....Martian babies. Sex On Mars: Pregnancy, Fetal Development, and Sex In Outer Space
posted by wallstreet1929 (58 comments total)

So the repeal of DADT doesn't apply to astronauts, eh? Bummer.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 7:14 PM on December 20, 2010

There was this AskMe, and I could have sworn there was an FPP on sex-in-space a couple of years back.
posted by Forktine at 7:16 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

What I learned from this article is that "Astronaut" Mike Mullane is a pseudonym of Mickey Spillane.
posted by Bromius at 7:22 PM on December 20, 2010

I always kind of figured that some couple (gay or straight) had done the nasty in space already, just to be the first. My money's on the Russians frankly.
posted by jonmc at 7:29 PM on December 20, 2010 [10 favorites]

What may lead to and how to prevent sexual conflicts, sexual violence, sexual competition, and pregnancy are detailed. Recommendations include the possibility that male and female astronauts on a mission to Mars, should fly in separate space craft.

With all of those months some people have already spent in space, there must have already been some sort of sex going on. Maybe gay, almost certainly lots of furtive meetings with Han Solo, and possibly the shooting of some secret wacky video of ejaculation in weightless conditions.
posted by pracowity at 7:31 PM on December 20, 2010

Also, the zero-gravity thing could lead to some interesting, um, mishaps, if it hasn't already.
posted by jonmc at 7:35 PM on December 20, 2010

some secret wacky video of ejaculation in weightless conditions

Imagine if this were possible in a vacuum - it could potentially leave the galaxy!
...and a long time past, in a galaxy far, far away, give someone's space probe an indelicate facial.
posted by CynicalKnight at 7:38 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

"We males found ourselves surrounded by quivering cupcakes. Some were blatantly on the make, wearing spray-on clothes revealing high-beam nipples and smiles that screamed, "take me.""

I'm sorry. I stopped reading after that.
posted by marvin at 7:39 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Have they considered the fact that it's cold as hell, and that there's no one there to raise them, if you did?
posted by drjimmy11 at 7:44 PM on December 20, 2010 [15 favorites]

Biologically, females serve one purpose: to get pregnant.

I don't believe they couldn't find a better way of wording this.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 7:45 PM on December 20, 2010 [18 favorites]

SMBC has it covered.
posted by null terminated at 7:46 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

I hope it goes without saying that these inter-stellar spawn will not be exempted from having their papers in order should they subsequently travel to Arizona.

Pray God someone videotapes THAT traffic stop.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 7:52 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Get your Mars-bound astronauts spayed and neutered.
posted by LiteOpera at 7:54 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

there was a sex in space post a few years ago and i remember one of the things that came up was that nasa has, in fact, sent couples to space and they did, in fact, do it
posted by nathancaswell at 8:00 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Human expeditions to Mars as reported to me by a delusional homeless guy at shelter I volunteered at:

2033 Chinese Mission -- successfully putting men on the moon in 2022 did not sate the huge numbers of engineering grads in China, they determined to send 6 Taikonauts to Mars. Launching to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the conquest of Taiwan, the entire world watched with daily updates distributed over short video clips. On day 63 of the mission for reasons which are not entirely known the crew stopped responding or transmitting. Onboard sensor systems continued to report normal life support and functioning of key systems. An attempt was made via remote control to navigate the craft back towards earth, but a stuck valve in a attitude thrusters causes the craft to miss intersecting earth on the return orbit.

2034 Indian Mission -- national pride and an abundance of engineering grads drives the worlds largest democracy, now united with Pakistan and Bangaladesh under the Peace resulting form the treaty of East Lansing, to attempt to eclipse the Chinese. Crew 8, mission result: failure. Cause: radiation sickness. A tragic miscalculation in the thickness of a key radiation shield results in the crew being subjected to too much radiation during an extended solar storm.

2035- California Mission -- ballot initiatives approved by voters in the state have fully funded an independent space agency for 15 years with the goal of re-establishing American leadership in aerospace and technology. Crew size is 200 traveling on an enormous stadium sized craft with key corporate sponsorship. It's commander (my homeless dude) insists that all the footwear will be sponsored by Converse and the food by Monsanto. He urged me to buy stock in these companies. On day 144 of the mission a time wave hits the craft and hurls it back into the wake of Hale Bopp. Observers include a cult in California that presume it is an alien space craft and kill themselves. They sneak into "stealth orbit" and the captain, who says he's like captain Kirk, and a crew come down to earth attempt to make contact with authorities and provide instructions that willl stop the time wave. Of course it turns out that the time wave was all a part of the plan to steal future technology for Monsanto and Converse. Thus he must hide out on the streets until his future self is old enough to know the truth. As a result of the time wave he also has a very fuzzy memory of certain future events such as the names of future presidents, world series winners, etc. Though his predictions about the dreadfulness of the Redskins has been spot on.
posted by humanfont at 8:01 PM on December 20, 2010 [15 favorites]

My money's on the Russians frankly.

I once heard a Stuff You Should Know podcast that said that the Russians had "explored" the implications. Though nobody knows exactly how far it went.

I think it's the "Crazy Government Experiments" episode, but there've been a few that have touched on crazy Cold War stuff.
posted by Sara C. at 8:20 PM on December 20, 2010

But...I thought EVERYONE had sex in space?
posted by happyroach at 8:27 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

there was a sex in space post a few years ago and i remember one of the things that came up was that nasa has, in fact, sent couples to space and they did, in fact, do it

If I recall it was more like "My friend has a friend who works at NASA and he told me..."

Any story of sex in space would be a bigger story than sex in the oval office, and we all know how big that got. Also, seeing as every mission is documented pretty extensively, who are these "couples" that have been in space together?

I, too, love to think of the idea of NASA sending people into space to fuck, but what would be the point? It's still pretty early to start thinking about reproducing in space and we've got much bigger things to think about for a Mars mission.

There has been one married couple that flew together on a Shuttle. I can imagine the rest of the crew giving them some "alone time" though I can't imagine it would remain a secret for very long once people got back to earth.

I'm not saying it hasn't happened, with all the many months people have been in the ISS, but if it has I can't imagine it's been anything official. More like "Um, Igor and I are gonna spend a few minutes alone in the Unity module. I'll give you all my next month's ration of chocolate if you keep your damn mouths shut and don't tell NASA."
posted by bondcliff at 8:32 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

If I were in space I'd have sex with anything that moved. What would you do?
posted by cjorgensen at 8:32 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

If I were in space I'd have sex with anything that moved. What would you do?

Assuming I didn't use it all up during launch, I'd do the same.
posted by bondcliff at 8:38 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

This isn't in a real journal, by the way.
posted by lukemeister at 8:48 PM on December 20, 2010

"Well that's a godawful small affair."

"HEY!"
posted by The Whelk at 8:54 PM on December 20, 2010 [3 favorites]

Mary Roach's latest, Packing for Mars: the Curious Science of Life in the Void, has got this topic covered. Or uncovered. Something like that.
posted by asperity at 8:59 PM on December 20, 2010 [4 favorites]

Martians are an abomination. That's why I only have gay sex on other planets.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:01 PM on December 20, 2010

Oh him, He's a Red Queer, only screws around in space.
posted by The Whelk at 9:12 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

"Biologically, females serve one purpose: to get pregnant."

That's OK. Biologically, males serve just one purpose: to get females pregnant.

lukemeister: "This isn't in a real journal, by the way."

Whatever gave you that idea? ;-)

Was it the poor proofreading? Was it the fact that it reads like the author spent far too many … umm, 'lonely nights' … seeking out documented examples & thinking about it? Or was it the fact that it's not behind a paywall or on PloS?

On the plus side, their submission and publication fees don't look too bad…

"3. PREFERENCE FOR HIGH STATUS SEX PARTNERS: ASTRONAUTS"

Well, that's easy to solve. Down at the shops just before, I observed several young women who appear to have a preference for sexual partners with no status at all. I could completely get behind the idea of sending them to Mars.

Of course, if B-grade Sci Fi movies have taught me anything, it's that the real danger is of them fainting or spraining their ankles at inopportune moments…
posted by Pinback at 9:15 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

I would have assumed that because of the risk of radiation damage to reproductive organs, interplanetary astronauts would bank their sperm or eggs and get their tubes tied.
posted by Araucaria at 9:27 PM on December 20, 2010

anti-gravity cunnilingus set to the blue danube

mmmmm...
posted by mannequito at 9:35 PM on December 20, 2010

I'm surprised nobody has made a Valentine Michael Smith joke yet...
posted by Tknophobia at 9:41 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

Imagine if Rocco Siffredi was your co astronaut.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 10:05 PM on December 20, 2010

This guy is nuts. Who cares if people fuck in space?

The female astronauts in his scenarios are all either slutty, baby-making primates or helpless victims of violent rape.

And the men are all rapists.

The weirdness continues here:

Ew.
posted by dchrssyr at 11:02 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Er. Here.
posted by dchrssyr at 11:06 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Biologically, females serve one purpose: to get pregnant

I was wondering about that quote when I noticed it actually has a reference in the paper. Going down to the bibliography, it turns out around 20 of those references are to Joseph, R. Which then made me go back to the byline, and whaddya know, the article is by a "Rhawn Joseph".

Googling him then leads to stuff like this and his own time-cubeish site. I'm also not sure what the "Brain Research Lab, Northern California" is supposed to be.

He certainly seems to think rather highly of himself though. But my favorite part (other than using "Published Amazon.com reviews" as blurb sources) is the last text on that page:

When he is not working, Dr. Joseph spends a considerable amount of time walking in the mountains, in the woods, and near the sea...thinking. Always thinking.

posted by kmz at 11:17 PM on December 20, 2010 [3 favorites]

Oh look, they charge $35 for you to submit your article, non-refundable on rejection. But there's more - they charge you $150 if they decide to 'publish'. Which is nice of them.

Biologically, this 'journal' serves one purpose: to rip off unsuspecting saps not deterred by the hideous background image.
posted by motty at 11:21 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

I love a site that isn't afraid to use <table border="12" ... >
posted by rh at 11:35 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

Cripes people, you can't have babies on Mars.

Have you read your fucking BRADBURY???
posted by GuyZero at 11:39 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

Our inferior minds can't comprehend his awesome web-design skills.
posted by kmz at 11:41 PM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

Oh wait, I think the "Brain Research Lab" is just his own thing. Well, fuck, from now on I'm signing everything I write as:

kmz, Emeritus, Internet Bullshit Research Laboratory, Northern Texas
posted by kmz at 11:53 PM on December 20, 2010

I found the old AskMeFi thread about sex in space!. It's from 2006 and it does indeed have several people confirming that NASA has had to (very quietly) deal with the issue already.
posted by Asparagirl at 12:18 AM on December 21, 2010

If I were in space I'd have sex with anything that moved. What would you do?

Keep still.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:31 AM on December 21, 2010 [20 favorites]

>>Cripes people, you can't have babies on Mars.

>Have you read your fucking BRADBURY???

You mean Dr. Spock? Surely?
posted by uncanny hengeman at 12:37 AM on December 21, 2010

I, too, love to think of the idea of NASA sending people into space to fuck, but what would be the point?

Because it's there.
posted by brundlefly at 12:56 AM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

I love a site that isn't afraid to use <table border="12" ... >

Dammit people it's 2010, discover border style attributes and use them to make things appropriately hideous, like animated barbershop poles or something.
posted by humanfont at 2:51 AM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

another book blurb from Rhawn Joseph's site -

"An intense, in-depth examination of the relationship between neuroanatomy and associated behavior, personality, thinking, psychosis, and emotions." 4 Stars! Highly recommended. -Doody's Medical Review Journal

heh... he said "doody"...
posted by russm at 2:59 AM on December 21, 2010

I predict the earth won't move for them.
posted by Decani at 3:54 AM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Interstellar anchor babies!

Notify Mitch McConnell stat!
posted by rdone at 6:12 AM on December 21, 2010

I've watched many episodes of Pigs in Space and not once was there an orgy scene so I think NASA has little to worry about.
posted by stormpooper at 6:12 AM on December 21, 2010

The weirdness continues here:

Woah. You weren't kidding.

Dr. Joseph is single and is not married.

Although he has certainly had his wild times, chasing women and carousing late at night, Joseph lives the life of a scholar and scientist who sometimes runs with the wolves.
posted by Forktine at 6:15 AM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Men Babies are from Mars?
posted by JMOZ at 8:41 AM on December 21, 2010

SAD SPACE ROBOT MUSIC SELF-LINK
posted by The Whelk at 8:45 AM on December 21, 2010

Human expeditions to Mars as reported to me by a delusional homeless guy at shelter I volunteered at:

Sounds plausible enough. I—for one—welcome our factory-farmed, mass-produced-punk-identity overlords. FROM SPACE.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 8:48 AM on December 21, 2010

I was part of a self funded experimental brain lab during college and for a number of years after.
posted by Babblesort at 9:21 AM on December 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sara C.: I once heard a Stuff You Should Know podcast that said that the Russians had "explored" the implications. Though nobody knows exactly how far it went.

On average, about 6.5".
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:22 AM on December 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

Awesome.
posted by everichon at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2010

Awesome.

THEY MAKE ALL-DENIM COWBOY HATS!?!?!


Does anyone know where I can get one?
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 11:11 AM on December 21, 2010

Pregnancy is not inevitable, despite the authors obsession to the contrary. Tubal ligation and vasectomies are damn-near foolproof, after all, and even potentially reversible after the mission is over.

Single-sex crews are not an impossible situation, even though the author has apparently never heard of homosexuality or bisexuality. (Homosexual behaviors can appear in a confined single-sex population of purportedly heterosexual persuasion. It's called "prison".) Historically, men have gone years without the company of women, and amazing science emerged anyway. Just look at the second voyage of the HMS Beagle, which lasted from 27 December 1831 to 2 October 1836, carrying Charles Darwin, and which led to The Origin of Species!

I think the biggest challenge to sending married couples on such long voyages would be finding the right couples. How many married couples consist of two astronauts who are also world-class pilots, scientists, or engineers?
posted by LightStruk at 11:42 AM on December 21, 2010

This second voyage of the Beagle. I assume they were not at sea the whole time thus sailors made use of brothels and during extended periods at sea British naval traditions involving rum, sodomy and lash kept things under control.
posted by humanfont at 12:05 PM on December 21, 2010

This article is basically about Rhawn Joseph's issues with women, and how the things that make him weak and strange will be engineered away.

I have a pretty good idea for Mars colonization: one young woman travels to Mars, with a good deal of terraforming equipment and robots and so forth, and many vials of frozen sperm. In a few years, when there is a small self-sufficient environment, she can impregnate herself with sperm, and then when the child is grown enough to be helpful around the place, she can do it again, then again. Of course the woman would have to have severe Asperger's or something in order to survive that kind of isolation, and the children would all be mad as spoons, and they'd all have to mate with each other eventually, but there you are -- a colony.
posted by Countess Elena at 10:18 AM on December 22, 2010 [1 favorite]