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DOES. NOT. COMPUTE!
December 22, 2010 1:59 PM   Subscribe

The next time your computer won't do what you want, just give it a stern talking-to.
posted by Horace Rumpole (26 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
It's a known fact that shouting at code makes it work better. That's what i tell my co-workers, anyway.
posted by Artw at 2:03 PM on December 22, 2010


Speak roughly to your little VAX,
And boot it when it crashes;
It only does it to annoy
Because the paging thrashes.
posted by phliar at 2:05 PM on December 22, 2010 [7 favorites]


I give it a stern talking-to with my foot. In its face.
posted by theredpen at 2:07 PM on December 22, 2010


Warning: Second link goes to tvtropes. Do not click if you have things you need to do later this afternoon.
posted by inedible at 2:09 PM on December 22, 2010 [7 favorites]


Leaves out the classic "Why does the porridge bird lay its eggs in the air?"

My mother was a bozoette in high school!
posted by hippybear at 2:10 PM on December 22, 2010


Shouting at your computers will cause disk vibration and increased latency.

Well, unless you're using an SSD or other solid state mass storage.
posted by loquacious at 2:19 PM on December 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


TV Tropes... must not click... hyperlink... another link... no... must make dinner... no... just... one... more... link...
posted by Splunge at 2:28 PM on December 22, 2010 [3 favorites]


My favorite was the scene from the Dark Tower series where a computer is defeated in a riddle contest. The computer has access to huge amounts of knowledge, so it appears there's no riddle it doesn't know the answer to.

Then one of the characters realizes the key is to ask it jokey riddles with nonsense answers. "The Big Moron and the Little Moron were walking on a ledge. The wind came and blew the Big Moron off the ledge. Why didn't the Little Moron fall?

Because he was "a little more on."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:31 PM on December 22, 2010


Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying Blood...blood...blood...blood...

Always works for me. When I say 'works' what I mean is 'may not fix anything, but amuses me into being somewhat less annoyed.'
posted by cmyk at 2:33 PM on December 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Now for the essay portion of your final examination:

Explain, in two pages or more, why Dark Star was not only the best film ever made, but in fact the best anything ever made.
posted by kaibutsu at 2:41 PM on December 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


how to destroy an artificial intelligence: "Calculate PI to its last decimal place!"
how to destroy a fleshy intelligence: "Click on this TV Tropes link!'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:41 PM on December 22, 2010 [11 favorites]


Warning: Second link goes to tvtropes. Do not click if you have things you need to do later this afternoon.
posted by inedible

Warning: If you have an old Mac book any of these links will end in you giving your computer a stern talking-to.
posted by nola at 2:55 PM on December 22, 2010


I clicked on the tvtropes link. Totally my fault. Look, sometimes difficult decisions need to be made. I'm pretty sure we can all agree there's no hope. So I'm telling you to go on without me. Just walk away. And don't look back. Never look back.
posted by Ritchie at 3:22 PM on December 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


I am now telling the computer exactly what it can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate!
posted by various at 3:28 PM on December 22, 2010 [2 favorites]


Uh-oh, I looked back and turned into a pillar of bits.
posted by localroger at 3:29 PM on December 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


> jokey riddles with nonsense answers... Because he was "a little more on."

At the risk of sounding all persnicketynuts, technically, that's not a "nonsense" answer. it's a pun.

I dunno, but this might be a useful informational tidibit if you do someday find yourself attempting to outwit a super computer.
posted by mmrtnt at 3:33 PM on December 22, 2010


Uh-oh, I looked back and turned into a pillar of bits.

I really, really wanted this to be a bawdy spoonerism. But it isn't. =(
posted by Fraxas at 3:37 PM on December 22, 2010


"The system is less energetic when domains of opposition alternate."
posted by charlie don't surf at 3:39 PM on December 22, 2010


Ah the multiple tentacled hands of the cloudy webz...I fear the cold finger on my neck ;p That's it, no more checking email for me henceforth.
posted by The Lady is a designer at 5:23 PM on December 22, 2010


It's my experience that walking into the room with an offending machine, leatherman at the ready, is all the threat that is required in most instances... and just getting me on the phone works more than 40% of the time.

I've known people with bad computer luck... I tend towards the other end of the balance. I am an IT Guy, so that's not bad either.
posted by MikeWarot at 5:24 PM on December 22, 2010


Oh man, it's been about 4 years since I watched Clone High..."The answer is (C), you f***wad." Awesome.

Also, I love the principal telling clones of important historical figures that if they fail the PSAT, their lives will be ruined forever.
posted by A dead Quaker at 5:35 PM on December 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Well, a pun really is two overlapping but incompatible frames of reference -- the homophonic resemblance between a noun, moron, and a verb/adjective combination, more on.

In other words, it's an example of the definition of humor. And it's not a riddle, because the answer is self-evident; the little moron wasn't blown off the ledge because he wasn't blown off the ledge.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:02 PM on December 22, 2010


Danger Mouse! (about 3:30) "Logic rejection! Random access! Random access!"
posted by galadriel at 7:36 PM on December 22, 2010


My Google-Fu has failed me and I can't find an online example, but I remember a one-frame cartoon from a few years ago (S. Harris?) where a very large computer had come to the conclusion "Humans are irrelevant" and a small, lone human was standing off to the side giving the outlet that the computer was plugged into a thoughtful look....
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:38 PM on December 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


This is amazing!
posted by The Devil Tesla at 8:07 AM on December 23, 2010


This was a fantasy of mine as a child. One of the few interactive computer setups I knew about was at the Ontario Science Center. Back in the 70s they had a thing where you sat in front of a terminal and could choose 1, 2 or 3 to play some very basic games. I had plans to go and hit 4, persistently, imagining that the computers themselves (well at least those vertical fridge-like boxen that had tape drives, lurking behind smoked glass near the terminals) would start smoking. I was no doubt influenced by pop culture's take on this, but it felt like an original dark fantasy of my own making.

Tragic disappointment when I returned months later to try it, finding that they had indeed designed for my scheming, where the "interface" (we didn't know that word then) simply repeatedly instructed me to "Select, 1, 2 or 3."
posted by stevil at 5:42 PM on December 23, 2010


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