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The Candy Man Can
December 26, 2010 9:45 AM   Subscribe

A dude eats nothing but Christmas candy for a week.
posted by gman (66 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
Sounds like a terrible nightmare.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:48 AM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


Appalling. Really.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 9:49 AM on December 26, 2010


The whole "x for a week" thing has really jumped the shark, and jumped it like every day for at least a month.
posted by nevercalm at 9:51 AM on December 26, 2010 [16 favorites]


Is the whole "For One Week I will Only ____________________ (insert bad decision here)" an internet phenomenon or was it around previously? It's not even funny or interesting anymore.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 9:52 AM on December 26, 2010 [4 favorites]


This would make me hate candy forever. Yuck. And I LOVE candy.
posted by SMPA at 9:54 AM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


nevercalm, Slack-a-gogo - It's Sunday and it's Boxing Day, do you have anything better to do with your time?
posted by gman at 9:55 AM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


A dude destroys his body's ability to function for a week. Yay?
posted by msbutah at 9:58 AM on December 26, 2010


Dude must take daily injections of insulin for 30 years,
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:59 AM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


My lunch and dinner on Wednesday were my last chances to get some real nutrition before my fast from vitamins and minerals, so I really had to make those meals count. So, of course, I had Taco Bell and pizza.

Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick .....
posted by blucevalo at 9:59 AM on December 26, 2010


I got a headache and wanted to start a fight just skimming the article. Ew.

Also now I am crying.
posted by toodleydoodley at 10:00 AM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


This sounds like a stupid thing my son would try. I'm gonna make him watch this - before he goes into a sugar coma!
posted by garnetgirl at 10:01 AM on December 26, 2010


That was really hard to read. If only because it was painful to watch him keep going for the nasty cheap stuff that everyone knows is so disgusting it barely qualifies as "candy".
posted by amethysts at 10:01 AM on December 26, 2010


Um. "Get a life" springs to mind. Not "It's a Wonderful Life."
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 10:02 AM on December 26, 2010


The whole "x for a week" thing has really jumped the shark, and jumped it like every day for at least a month.

YES.

Have we reached the point yet where I'm allowed to simply punch these meme-baiting goons in the face yet? No? Let me know. I'M READY.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:04 AM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


I've made about ten pounds of fudge over the past few days and he's right about one thing: if you eat too much (all pan scrapings, in my defence), your hunger goes away briefly and then comes back... but you still don't want to eat anything because you feel gross.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:05 AM on December 26, 2010 [7 favorites]


I have eaten nothing but leftovers all day.

Where's my goddamn book deal?
posted by box at 10:07 AM on December 26, 2010 [6 favorites]


There was an article in a gen-x reader about watching MTV straight through an entire day. If you're feeling charitable, you could go back to dance marathons. I think it would be best if David Blaine was seen as the catalyst.
posted by user92371 at 10:15 AM on December 26, 2010


I called this "The First Trimester of Pregnancy" when I proved that you can, in fact, survive on nothing but starlite mints. This dude's an amateur.

I can no longer eat starlite mints.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:15 AM on December 26, 2010 [21 favorites]


Dude's a special snowflake.
posted by nomadicink at 10:19 AM on December 26, 2010


> Have we reached the point yet where I'm allowed to simply punch these meme-baiting goons in the face yet?

Only if you punch one goon in the face each day, for a week.
posted by FfejL at 10:30 AM on December 26, 2010 [13 favorites]


nevercalm, Slack-a-gogo - It's Sunday and it's Boxing Day, do you have anything better to do with your time?

I'm sitting at work, waiting to get out at 3pm, really hoping that by the time I get out the blizzard of the millenium won't have ramped up quite yet, and formulating a plan to beat one of these "meme-baiting goons" (thank you DirtyOldTown, excellent turn of phrase) bloody every day until I get through all of them, sometime in 2013.

Now THAT would be a book that I bet a ton of people would buy.
posted by nevercalm at 10:31 AM on December 26, 2010


So much disapproval! Dude tried a dumb fun experiment that he gets to talk about for the rest of his life. Looks like he learned lessons about moderation, nutrition and the unhealthy appeal of candy too, which while admittedly common sense, will probably have a beneficial influence on his behavior in the future. Meanwhile the rest of us mostly enjoy a lifelong experiment with a diet derived principally from GMO corn and sitting for 60+ hours a week, with nothing more to show for it except the fat around our middles.
posted by millions at 11:00 AM on December 26, 2010 [7 favorites]


I like how he suffered for his art so I didn't have to.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:03 AM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


i blame morgan spurlock.
posted by liza at 11:16 AM on December 26, 2010


He wondered why he lost 4lbs? Because after a week, the 4lbs of food that he'd otherwise have in his intestines had been pissed out, and the few grams of protein he'd eaten was forming a nice solid wall of constipation. He's must feel like a broken Caga Tio by now.
posted by hanoixan at 11:17 AM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


I would like to announce that today I will eat a meal for twenty minutes straight. Then I am going to watch a move for a solid 124 minutes. After, I will brush my teeth for two whole minutes. And the coup de grace, I will crown this eye-popping day of Xtreme Time Usage® by masturbating for a whole ten minutes!

Can I have my TV show now?
posted by munchingzombie at 11:24 AM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


Such vehement opposition to science on Metafilter.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:29 AM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


I will read nothing but Metafilter snark for an entire week. WHO'S WITH ME?
posted by zippy at 11:33 AM on December 26, 2010 [7 favorites]


In honor of this trend I will eat 3 meals, take a dump, and whack off every day for one week.
posted by ReeMonster at 11:35 AM on December 26, 2010


A dude eats nothing but Christmas candy for a week.

This meme can only end in time-limited self-cannibalism.
posted by jonmc at 11:35 AM on December 26, 2010


I will also not read any of the above comments to see how many people just said the exact same thing I said.. but I will be comforted in the fact that many people have the same annoyed reaction to this bullshit trend.
posted by ReeMonster at 11:35 AM on December 26, 2010


Stay in school, kids. Stay in school.
posted by boo_radley at 11:39 AM on December 26, 2010


ReeMonster: "I will also not read any of the above comments to see how many people just said the exact same thing I said.. but I will be comforted in the fact that many people have the same annoyed reaction to this bullshit trend."

On the off chance you decide to read the comments below yours, know that your sentiment was unique and no one else feels the way you do. You're a special snowflake!
posted by gman at 11:39 AM on December 26, 2010


I hate your "x for a week/month/year" blog.
posted by incessant at 11:47 AM on December 26, 2010


Gross.
posted by chrillsicka at 11:49 AM on December 26, 2010


And then he died.
posted by polymodus at 11:50 AM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


As a type 2 diabetic this both fascinated and repelled me in a very visceral way.
posted by Splunge at 11:50 AM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


I thought it was amusing... and made me want bad Christmas candy!

Thanks gman.
posted by Malice at 11:53 AM on December 26, 2010


Dude tried a dumb fun experiment that he gets to talk about for the rest of his life.

Then he can finally write his blog about not having any friends for the rest of his life.
posted by chrillsicka at 11:55 AM on December 26, 2010


My head aches and my pulse flutters just thinking about it. Of course, that could also be the Diet Mountain Dew.

When I accidentally provisioned myself for a three-day weekend with only a large bag of spicy Cajun mix and a piece of raw honeycomb, it did not occur to me that the internet would be interested in my subsequent illness. Of course, that was because I was a teenager at the time, and the internet still had a largely literate population.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:06 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]




So much disapproval! Dude tried a dumb fun experiment that he gets to talk about for the rest of his life. Looks like he learned lessons about moderation, nutrition and the unhealthy appeal of candy too, which while admittedly common sense, will probably have a beneficial influence on his behavior in the future. Meanwhile the rest of us mostly enjoy a lifelong experiment with a diet derived principally from GMO corn and sitting for 60+ hours a week, with nothing more to show for it except the fat around our middles.



???? What? Is this guy a friend of yours or something because your defense of his idiocy is really weak.
posted by Liquidwolf at 12:08 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


As I read the guy’s post I wondered how his wife put up with his downward-spiraling morale during his experiment. I also thought that it would have been a lot easier to fast for seven days, occasionally breaking fast for a tiny chocolate Santa.
posted by mistersquid at 12:38 PM on December 26, 2010


I would like to announce that today I will eat a meal for twenty minutes straight. Then I am going to watch a move for a solid 124 minutes. After, I will brush my teeth for two whole minutes. And the coup de grace, I will crown this eye-popping day of Xtreme Time Usage® by masturbating for a whole ten minutes!

Ten minutes! Who's a ROCKSTAR?!?
posted by xingcat at 12:38 PM on December 26, 2010


I'm mildly amused. Hey, I feel like this is what we're doing all week anyway - it's somewhat fun to see someone take it to the level of codification.

Even if I did this, though, I agree that I'd much rather eat homemade candy and sweets than the drugstore junk. Fudge, scotchies, pecan turtles...I mean, let's be honest, we are already quite close to subsisting on this stuff right now at my house, punctuated only by the occasional ham sandwich or cheese on a cracker.
posted by Miko at 12:39 PM on December 26, 2010


defense of his idiocy is really weak

Is this the thread where I can point out how The Blue has the strong hates for "Republicans" and the weak defense for "Democrats" then make a claim about the political leanings of a candy eater?
posted by rough ashlar at 12:47 PM on December 26, 2010


This is the thread were you can be an asshole for a week. Just like the dude in the article.
posted by P.o.B. at 12:52 PM on December 26, 2010


Dude must take daily injections of insulin for 30 years,

Candy over the course of a week? Bah. That's nothing. You gotta take it all at once.

I'm a research participant (read: paid lab rat) for a study trying to determine if poor sleeping patterns can increase risk of diabetes. The basic protocol is to put me on a specific sleep schedule (say 5 hours a night) for a week, and then check my sugar levels throughout the week. Then, on the last day, just to make sure my body can't function on 5 hours of sleep for the past 6 days, they raise my sugar levels 4 times my baseline. Ostensibly they then check how efficiently I can process it, but I'm convinced they're just making me really work for my money.

This is done using the world's largest syringe, which is roughly the size of 2 rolls of dollar coins. The effects of this much sugar in the blood stream are fascinating. Immediately after the injection, there's a heat wave that spreads all around my body[1], starting from the injection point. I feel like I'm under a giant heat lamp - except for the area around my groin, which feels like I've soiled my pants what with all the heat down there. At the same time, my lips start tingling before going number, and then I actually taste the sugar at the back of my throat.

A few minutes later, I have a giant headache, and I feel like I never want eat sugar again in my life.

Finally, about 30 minutes later, I get a tiny shot of insulin to bring my sugar levels back down. By the end of the hour, I'm roughly back to normal, and am looking forward to eating PB m&ms with dinner.


heh. Good times.


[1]The nurses say I'm a lucky man, because now I'm one of the few who know what menopause feels like. If this is anywhere close to the truth...well, women have my sympathy.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 12:55 PM on December 26, 2010 [15 favorites]


Eh, I'm tired of yelling, I'm just going to mine the lawn.

But as far as where this stuff comes from, besides Morgan Spurlock? Maybe performance art? But at least with that stuff (I'm going to live in a cage in a gallery for a week/month/year and you can come look) most people who wouldn't care about it, would never have to hear about it. And the art there was the *act*, not a frickin' blog-that-wants-to-be-a-book-deal-or-at-least-go-viral.

And seriously, if someone wants to, say, be crucified to the top of a VW, or be shot, every day for a month and blog about *that*, I probably wouldn't mind hearing about it.

I guess though what it feels like to me is that the 'kids these days' - meaning. not exactly *everyone* younger than me, but certainly the under-30's, appear to have been brought up with tightly-scheduled lives full of Organized Activities. Whether to make them look good on college apps, or because that's just how things are done these days. And along with all of that lesson/group/playdate crap, the constant reinforcement of how fucking Accomplished and Special they are.

So then they get out of college and voila... in the 'real world', nobody gives a shit. And if you want more Attention and Specialness, you have to have some, I dunno, content. So:

"Look! I thought of an activity, and then I did it! On a schedule! With perfect attendance! I even kept a journal of it! Do I get an A for that (or a book deal, or twitter trend, or however that sort of thing is apportioned)? "

To which I say: um, no. You still don't have anything interesting to say, structure and repetition are tools for people who already have subject matter and skills. Julie and Julia? (golf clap). How about you do Chris Burden for a year and get back to me?

/shakes cane, totters back to porch
posted by hap_hazard at 12:57 PM on December 26, 2010 [4 favorites]


As those above have said: If you are going to eat candy for a week, why on earth are you eating bad candy?
posted by sdn at 12:58 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


Thanks for posting, gman, it was a hilarious account. You could feel his insanity increase as the week wore on. By the time those candy ribbons (what a weird candy.. never heard of that before now) were shattered all over the floor I had tears in my eyes from laughing. I'm so glad he only did it for a week!

To many of the commenters here: you fucking depress me.
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 1:27 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


Ten minutes! Who's a ROCKSTAR?!?

Yeah, what's he trying to prove? Who needs 10 minutes unless you're doing it twice?
posted by cjorgensen at 1:28 PM on December 26, 2010


as far as where this stuff comes from, besides Morgan Spurlock?

I think it's much deeper. I think the phenomenon of doing X activity publicly for Y period of time is simpy an attempt to organize the total chaos of the choices we have in our lives, to explore some single thing and mine it for meaning or significance, using the tools of contemporary media to record and track, as well as publicize, share, and discuss, the project. These projects are really not different from one another in their approach of sustained dedication to one thing to the exclusion of normal, more random and less organized behavior. Whether it's taking a photo a day for a year, listening to the 1000 albums you're supposed to hear before you die, quitting alcohol or eating vegan for a month, to eating candy for a week or cooking like Julia Child or whatever it may be, the culture is fascinated with making the chaotic containable. If I thought harder about it I would probably try to connect it back to prescribed religious ritual (and maybe the lack of same in secular/pop culture) as these stunts resemble in many ways the fasting events of Abrahamic religions, such as the Sabbath, Yom Kippur, Lent, friday fasting, or Ramadan, or the repetitive prayer activities of many world religions.
posted by Miko at 1:31 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


Actually, Boxing Day is the first business day after Christmas, so when Christmas falls on a Saturday (like this year), Boxing Day is tomorrow, not today.

So, snark away at this stupid pathetic excuse for a link. It's only Sunday.
posted by Curious Artificer at 1:52 PM on December 26, 2010


> So, snark away at this stupid pathetic excuse for a link.

Huh? This is a perfectly fine post here. People hate the idea and are being simpletons in their mob pile-on, but it's amusing in its own right. I mean, come on, the part where he said he needed Omega-3 EFAs so he ate a chocolate fish was right there better than 90% of the webcomics that get posted to this place.

Buncha candy science hating gits.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:55 PM on December 26, 2010


Tough crowd.....
posted by y6y6y6 at 1:58 PM on December 26, 2010


Miko: these stunts resemble in many ways the fasting events of Abrahamic religions, such as the Sabbath, Yom Kippur, Lent, friday fasting, or Ramadan, or the repetitive prayer activities of many world religions.


i can see that, sure. And I do understand the impulse, I think. But does anyone, *ever*, do a ramadan fast for the attention? You don't hear about someone not eating meat on Fridays and think, wow, that's AWESOME, I bet they're gunning for a book deal!

I think you're right, too, that the projects are pretty much all the same (OK, 'not that different from one another'). Which is probably why I'm waxing so grumpy about them, because maybe I just burn out on memes faster than the Internet does, but dang, it gets OLD.Which is maybe ironic, given how ephemeral this stuff is, by design.

So I guess if there was some, maybe, risk being taken, or beauty achieved, or spiritual significance apparent... OR if these projects lasted *decades*, maybe I'd like them. Not that I'm the target audience or anything though, so I guess who cares what I think about 'em?
(not that that's going to make me stop deriding them. Not yet.)
posted by hap_hazard at 2:05 PM on December 26, 2010


Eating candy for a week is nothing like fasting the month of Ramadan. I'm sure there is equivocation to be had there, but it's quite pointless to do so.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:07 PM on December 26, 2010


Burhanistan, I was just kidding on gman's earlier "It's Sunday and it's Boxing Day, do you have anything better to do with your time?" comment.
posted by Curious Artificer at 2:09 PM on December 26, 2010


oh
posted by Burhanistan at 2:13 PM on December 26, 2010


Quintessential: the English Candy Drill from Gravity's Rainbow.
posted by chavenet at 2:50 PM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


In case you'd like to experience NSAID's manopause issues without endangering your pancreas, you could just pop an epic dose of niacin.

Just sayin'. Not that my cholesterol meds reliably induce that sort of thing.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:57 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


he's at the pizza hut
he's at the taco bell
he's at the combination pizza hut and taco bell
posted by fungible at 3:12 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


does anyone, *ever*, do a ramadan fast for the attention?

No, (though I'm sure acceptance and belonging play a part and might be similar to what people today are looking for from 'attention'), but what I'm suggesting is the idea that, in a dominant mass culture in which we really have no widely shared traditions of discipline or sacrifice that take place over a stated period of time and give you a chance to practice ritual behaviors, people are more inclined to experiment with making up their own. I think there's just something in human psychology that likes to experiment with deprivation of choice and/or with endurance, and it shows up in religious ilfe but also in secular life. Because we don't tend to think we can make permanent life changes in our habits easily, we tend to feel we can accept short-term changes in behavior and see what can be discovered by that.
posted by Miko at 3:50 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


The whole "x for a week" thing has really jumped the shark, and jumped it like every day for at least a month.

The "Eating nothing but Christmas candy for a week" meme has "Eaten nothing but bacon for a month" already
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 4:50 PM on December 26, 2010


Nothing but candy for a week? I sometimes do that by accident.
posted by Nedroid at 5:31 PM on December 26, 2010 [4 favorites]


Ten minutes! Who's a ROCKSTAR?!?

Yeah, what's he trying to prove? Who needs 10 minutes unless you're doing it twice?
posted by cjorgensen at 4:28 PM on 12/26
[+] [!]

My point is that I once ate candy for a week and got diabetes. Now nueropathy in my dick make it difficult to get off.

I guess there is a cautionary tale in all of this.
posted by munchingzombie at 5:39 PM on December 26, 2010


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