Activity from Frowner
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Dealing w/ being an Average Jane engaged to a brilliant genius?
I am you, later. Except I had more self-hatred and less insight in my twenties. I'm a secretary and I do some teaching on the side. It's....okay. In the past couple of years I've gotten back into more scholarship and found more satisfaction there. And some of my friends - even tenure track ones - have had rather shit careers, and at least I get to live where I like.
Here's what I think you should do:
1. Take a year to do talk therapy. Get… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:32 PM on October 2, 2015
Also, you are so young. I suffered from premature-foreclosure when I was in my early twenties and it really fucked me over, because I wrote off a lot of stuff and didn't have a real sense of a normal timeline.
It is perfectly normal to start your PhD work at 25 or 26. Some people, in fact, recommend this because it gives you a chance to be a human outside academia. (Which you're not getting - might want to look into doing… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:52 PM on October 2, 2015
You are 23, so you've been together with this guy since you were - sixteen or seventeen? And you moved with him now that he's doing his PhD? That seems like a challenging set of dynamics to manage, in terms of relationship experience, friendship circles, access to resources and the stresses that a PhD program can put on a relationship.
Based on your update, I still think that talk therapy - over the internet, if need be - is going to be important for you. But, god… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:07 AM on October 6, 2015
When to worry about foot pain?
You can really mess up your feet by starting a lot of walking in badly fitting shoes, especially if you're a bigger person. For now, take anti-inflammatories, rest, ice, elevate when possible - anti inflammatories especially. If it clears up after the weekend and a day or two of rest, get some properly fitting shoes and ease back into the walking, avoiding big hills. You may very well just have strained something by jumping into an exercise program too vigorously.… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 4:52 PM on October 2, 2015
Is this depression or am I just being dramatic?
Yes, you can be depressed in this way, although I think I see two errors in your reasoning:
1. That "I am so miserable and demotivated that I can't function in a critical area of life" isn't enough in itself to indicate that something is gravely wrong, whether that is technically depression or not. Depression isn't like measles, where you clearly either have it or you don't. You're manifesting depression-like symptoms in a major area of life. You'll benefit… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:58 AM on October 1, 2015
How to set appropriate boundaries with ex-wife/co-parent
If you send this letter, your ex will probably feel really bad. If she's a good faith kind of person, she'll probably comply to the best of her ability, but she'll go from feeling basically okay about being around you to having little wheels spinning in her head while she tries to figure out what she did wrong, what it all means, how to interact with you so that the kids don't know that things have gone to shit, etc. She'll probably also tell her partner - that is, go to her partner for… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:19 AM on September 30, 2015
Your mind is telling me no... and your mind is telling me yes...
I've known many guys to do this - to create a para-relationship with someone, minus the sex or actual commitment. It's really dishonest and usually a sign that they're not very self-aware. For him, it's probably more complicated than "leading you on" - but that doesn't mean you should get enmeshed with him.
I don't think you need to have another conversation with him. I think the one you describe already was terrific and very self-aware,… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:34 AM on September 29, 2015
Falling in love with my roommate
Begin dating other people as soon as possible. Do not have a conversation with him unless you're ready either to move out or to have him move out. Consider how you would feel - you're living with someone while dating something else, and no matter how that relationship is going or what you may be thinking about your housemate, you are committed to your current relationship. How would you feel if your housemate told you that they were in love with you?… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:26 AM on September 24, 2015
Book recommendations for my Mom
I bet she'd like the novels of Robertson Davies. Tempest-Tost is very light and funny if you're looking for something charming.
Also, the lightly fictionalized memoir Lark Rise To Candleford is very enjoyable.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:06 PM on September 23, 2015
How is Edible Foodstuff formed?
Can we assume water?
You do not need to soak lentils, although you can if you want.
I personally would start with the lentils, about 2 C of water per C of lentils and about 1/4 tsp of salt per C lentils. Heat the water to boiling, add the lentils and salt, cover and turn down to a simmer. Check on it every twenty minutes or so while you get a feel for the process - it should continue to simmer but not boil, so adjust heat as necessary. If the… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 1:13 PM on September 23, 2015 marked best answer
Also, about frozen leaf vegetables - if you defrost and wring them out, they will loose a lot of water and a lot of nutrients. If you want to control the amount of water in your finished dish, you can defrost it and squeeze it out, either by hand (messy; make sure spinach is cool) or by wrapping it in cheesecloth or in several layers of sturdy paper towels. For me, if I am making a more watery dish, I usually don't wring anything out.
If you're making a dish like a… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 1:20 PM on September 23, 2015
Snitch vs Secret
In my family, that would be snitching. Telling a fellow child about how you're feeling about the adults with the expectation of some privacy is a normal thing. It seems understandable that Paul would feel upset about the conversation and share it with you, certainly, but the idea that it's an actionable conversation that he should share with you seems odd. It seems like Amy doesn't get to have privacy to share her feelings, even if she's not actually… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:16 AM on September 23, 2015
Amy feels betrayed by Paul. I shared the information with Mom, and Mom and I are concerned that Amy's anger toward Paul is damaging their relationship.
This phrasing makes me feel like you are trying to manage how Amy feels - like it's not acceptable that she feels angry at Paul, and that she has to be made to stop. Amy can be angry at Paul if she wants - she can't call him names, refuse to pass him the salt, etc, but she can feel however she likes.… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:07 AM on September 23, 2015
Choosing high-grade professional mens dress shoes
If this is for daily wear, you should get two pairs - they will retain their shape longer if you let them rest on shoe trees between wearings.
The Allen Edmonds Park Avenue is the canonical business shoe for this purpose.
The most formal shoes are lace-ups without broguing, like the Park Avenue.
You don't want a monk strap. Monk straps are much more casual and come and go in fashion.
Shoes like… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:33 AM on September 15, 2015
Also, I find Aldens (even in calf but especially in shell) rather heavy for their size.
Aldens are held to look very "American", and I assume that part of their current popularity in Japan is the whole Americana/workwear thing. They're great shoes and very well-made, but to my mind intrinsically just a little more casual than the Park Avenue or the Henley. Probably no one will care, though. Alden uses very nice leather indeed, IMO nicer than either Trickers… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:46 AM on September 15, 2015
I still have a question for you, GoingToShopping - are you planning on wearing this pair every day? I think that spending six or seven hundred on one pair means you'll wear it to pieces and it will spend a lot of time looking shabby....
....BUT I understand the allure of Japanese shoes. A possibility might be (and this would work for other brands) to try on a lot of stuff, figure out your size in a given style or on a given last, and either buy a gently used second… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:35 AM on September 16, 2015
Also they have really lovely-looking dress boots, if that's ever a need of yours - it sure is in the frozen Midwestern US.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:36 AM on September 16, 2015
Okay, here, look at these shoes by Hiro Yanagimachi....they're probably outside your budget, at least the made-to-measure ones, but those whiskey-colored slip-ons midway down the page, the ones with the single scallop in the cap-toe....I could just cry from longing. As you rise in the ranks, you absolutely must spend some of your filthy lucre patronizing Japanese shoemakers, if only so that we may all live by proxy.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 1:05 PM on September 22, 2015
Can you recommend a sci-fi book I'll actually enjoy?
How about The Girl In The Road by Monica Byrne?
Strange Horizons (from whence the linked review) seems to review a lot of near-future Earth vaguely dystopian struggle books, IME.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:51 AM on September 22, 2015
Peed on shoe rack.
Depending on how affected they were, how good the suede is and how much you like the shoes, you might try this for the second pair (the first pair....well, if they're, say, shoes belonging to a small child, you might just try washing them in the washer on cold gentle and drying them in a cool place stuffed full of newspaper. Still kind of ew, but shoe glue is variable - some pairs are pretty sturdy):
Rinse the shoes well with cold soapy water.… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:15 AM on September 9, 2015
Another note: when shoes get saturated with water, it is almost always worthwhile to dry them out slowly. I've gotten suede shoes completely soaked in the rain, dried them out and brushed the nap, and they were perfectly fine. Don't toss shoes just because they are soaked. Drain them, and if you're worried about mildew, fill them with crumpled newspaper and change it out every couple of hours until they are really on their way to drying.
With the exception of very… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:18 AM on September 9, 2015
Renaissance Paintings with Loads of Symbolism
Venus, Cupid, Folly and Time, 1546.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:16 PM on September 7, 2015 marked best answer
How quickly can sunlight damage eyes with dilated pupils?
.I....never take the sunglasses. My eyes tend to bounce back pretty quickly for some reason anyway but I am incredibly easily embarrassed about stuff like that and it's a character flaw I admit. Anyway, I have to have my eyes dilated annually due to family medical history, I have never worn the sunglasses and I have always been slightly uncomfortable but fine.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:49 AM on September 5, 2015
What could be clogging a shower drain other than hair?
If the pipes are at a funny angle, that can contribute. We have a bathtub pipe which is at a shallow angle, so water doesn't flow through it fast enough and even though we too all have short hair, we get clogs. We alternate between Drano and that auger that incessant mentions upthread.
NOTE: We have a cat. When we pour drano down the tub, we cover the drain with a weighted bucket. A lot of drain cleaning stuff is horribly poisonous.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:45 AM on September 4, 2015
Books like Schulz, Babel, Bulgakov?
What about Q? It doesn't feel Russian at all, but it's certainly a deeply felt novel of upheaval and intellectual ferment.
Or the work of Victor Serge?
Or maybe Tariq Ali's Islam Quintet?
Doris Lessing's Martha Quest books, perhaps? Cumulatively, they have a lot of force. The first one is more of a family/social novel, but then it's all war, communists, etc.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 4:42 PM on September 2, 2015
When to start a family - how to find our bearings?
If you were me, I would be saying to my partner "you want children but have never spent much time with one or much time doing child care; part of our pre-child planning is for you to do this". One of the ways I knew that I was not a child-haver was the fact that I just....actively hate and am stressed by being responsible for small children for long stretches, and I learned this via babysitting. Lots of my friends have kids, and in general, they all had specific "babies, I love… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:16 PM on September 2, 2015 marked best answer
Help me make a playlist of the best driving songs from 1978-1985!
I used to enjoy driving to many tracks from Elvis Costello's album Get Happy, particularly the first ten tracks.
My only speeding ticket - deserved! - was for careless and enthusiastic driving during "Spellbound" by Siouxsie & the Banshees. (Tacky band name! Culturally appropriative!)
A friend made me a fabulous driving CD which contained The Harmonettes' version of Shame shame shame.
Also, the Shop Assistants' "Safety Net" is good for driving.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:38 AM on September 2, 2015
Why is the focus in applying to jobs to be the same as everyone else?
You could think of it this way - assuming that you're applying for a job which is not primarily "creative"*, you don't necessarily want to be competing based on something as subjective as creativity.
Let's say that you really like blue, and you really like retro fonts. I - the hiring manager - unconsciously associate blue with a childhood trauma, and I think that retro fonts are unprofessional. You're getting dinged for no reason, even though you're an… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:36 AM on September 2, 2015
The other thing - I think that it's best to understand the baseline first. You go out in the world, you get an entry-level job by being an ordinary entry-level person, you get to know your organization and related people/groups and then you're much better able to determine which company will be thrilled by your innovative diorama-style resume and which company really wants to see the regular format.
Or, alternatively, if you have… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:26 AM on September 2, 2015
You're half fired!
Does he accept all these returns because he doesn't want to deal with them, because he doesn't want to change or because he's built up relationships with the managers at the stores where the assumption is that he takes returns on their request without pushback? Does he possibly view taking these returns as "good customer service"? Is there a way to make an announcement to the store managers about this grill situation if it's a recurring operator error problem?… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:47 AM on September 1, 2015
Also, if you have interpersonal conflicts with him (which it sounds like you do) does anyone else work well with him? I've definitely been the Challenging-Staff-Member-whisperer in some jobs, where I could get people to do stuff through charm and being an equal rather than a supervisor.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:50 AM on September 1, 2015
Maybe show him the smart phone - don't just ask. I have noticed (as a late adapter!) that seeing someone go through a process slowly really makes me feel more like I can use a thing. Also, I would get the guy a smart phone - he's far more likely to be comfortable using it if you take it out of the box together, get it set up and go over using the ap a couple of times. If he has to order it, set it up, etc, he may feel overwhelmed.
Lots of people go… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:51 AM on September 2, 2015
Movies and books with same-gender romance?
Would you be willing to go with some swashbuckling science fiction? Nicola Griffith's novel Ammonite is a rewriting of the "adventures on exotic planet, shady corporation in the background, mystery, derring-do by very fit ultra-competent character" kind of story with all women characters and a bunch of sweet and not-so-sweet relationship plots.
Lethe Press is nothing but sort of mass-markety books but with the gay.… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:58 PM on September 1, 2015
My favorite shoes are dying. Help me find replacements.
If you're open to chunkier shoes that are similar to but not ballet flats, Trippen shoes are resolable and very sturdy. Here is a different pair.
These are really not ballet flats, but they are feminine and have ballet flat qualities: I had a couple of pairs of Trippen Viviennes that I wore alternating, daily, for a couple of years. I wore those shoes hard and I wore them year round - I wore them to bike, I wore them when I was walking 4.5 miles a… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:00 AM on September 1, 2015
Do I have to break up with my Moop?
I bet you could consign that baby at a fashionable consignment place if you're in a big city. Or if there's a part of metafilter (or metachat?) where it's appropriate to post that you're selling something, I bet a moop backpack would go. Yeah, you won't get $197 for it, of course, but if it's in good shape...if I were looking for a nice secondhand backpack from a moop-level maker, I would be willing to pay ~$45 if it were in good shape.
If this were me, I'd take the… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:15 AM on August 31, 2015 marked best answer
Or hey, here's a thought - it's canvas, right? If you do replace it, fold it small and take it to Prague with you. When I worked in China, neither time did I take my favorite backpack and both times I spent a lot of time wishing I had it. You may find that you have a better feel for what's a safe bag, or you may find that you need a big backpack one day, etc.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:18 AM on August 31, 2015
How to disinfect leather dress shoes
Do you trigger warning? Would you want one?
I struggle with this very problem in a class I run! Well, with different materials.
I haven't found anyone to refuse the material. Mostly what I've found is that by preparing students, I create a mood in class where the topic is treated respectfully, and I tip students off that I am not just uncritically supporting [problematic thing].
When I write the course description, I include a short paragraph saying that the class will… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:38 PM on August 28, 2015
Can we keep our relationship intact?
If she's really committed to the relationship, she - like you - will need to accept that "open relationship" usually isn't "have sex with anyone you want at any time". Sometimes that means that you can't act on feelings you have, even though you are technically in an open relationship. I think that's difficult to get one's head around at first - it's quite possible that she's not actually being villainous or breaking up with you or whatever. Maybe she's just confused and… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:31 AM on August 26, 2015
Mention possible bedbugs to roommates?
I have gotten summer mystery bites at night. Several were pretty severe and took weeks to stop itching and disappear. Once, it turned out that a housemate's pet had fleas. Other times, I have no idea what it was. However - it wasn't bedbugs!
Now, this could be bedbugs, as far as I can tell from obsessive research, because bedbugs can be weird.
However, the bedbug growth cycle takes about 40 days and as I understand it,… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:17 AM on August 25, 2015
Also, if there are enough bedbugs to be staining the mattress, you should be getting more bites. Mattresses can accrue tiny spots.
Basically, if there are enough bedbugs living in your bed to be making multiple visible spots on the mattress and we know that you get itchy from bites, you should be seeing a lot more bites. You might be getting bitten quite a lot and still have trouble spotting actual bugs, but it seems unlikely that… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:23 AM on August 25, 2015
My email is in the Ashley Madision leak. Should I care?
At my university, you can request a change to your university email address. If the address you used on AM isn't too revealing (ie mhar008 rather than melissa.harkness) you could probably just change your email on your end and ask the people who maintain your program webpages to change it. This wouldn't totally do away with the possibility of being found, but over time it should provide some help.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:29 AM on August 20, 2015
First World Problems
I feel a lot of guilt! I mean, if it helps. I live in a poor neighborhood and have a pink collar gig with good insurance.
I think this is a good idea:
Perhaps a budget would help, where x% goes to help those around you, y% goes to retirement, z% goes to mad money for eating out etc. When x is gone, it's gone. This way things are balanced and you don't have to think about it too much.
Except that I… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:29 AM on August 19, 2015
Disclosing my depression/medications in profile on a date site?
I don't think you should disclose until later on, for these reasons:
1. I think it's ableist for people to say categorically that they won't date someone with a particular very common medical condition - a particular person's depression might be a dealbreaker, true - and I see no reason why you should preemptively seek to make things easy for those folks. Let them put it on their profiles and own that attitude.… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:57 AM on August 14, 2015
Landlord is Trying to Break My "Lease with Option to Buy" for more $$
Consider that you can talk to a lawyer and after that start out pretty gentle: "Friend, I wanted to talk to you about the agreement we signed last spring. When you let me know that you were planning on selling, I went back and looked at it to see what it said. I wasn't sure how your decision to sell fit in with it, so I double-checked with a lawyer and [....]. I'd still really like to buy, and it looks like our agreement is legally binding. What are you thinking?… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:05 AM on August 11, 2015
Fourth engagement by 30 and unsure (again)- what do you think?
I just want to tell you: every guy I ever dated seriously offered to marry me. In general, that made me feel trapped. I could have had four engagements by thirty if I'd wanted to, on much the same pattern that you have. I tended to date nice, serious guys who wanted to settle down and who came from social backgrounds where people married early - so they all would have been perfectly happy to get married. I deterred them as much as possible but felt guilty about it and wondered if I'd wind up… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:21 PM on August 7, 2015
For me it's never "F*ck Yes"
Some questions which come to mind:
1. How are you on trusting people in general? Would you say that you trust people fairly easily based on standard [doesn't seem skeevy, doesn't seem to lie to people, etc] metrics? How do you feel as you go through your day? Do you feel relaxed around strangers? In what situations are you very vigilant?
2. How do you know that someone's attractive? Obviously, you look at someone and want to look again, yes,… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:24 AM on August 7, 2015
What do I do with this video?
From your question, it sounds as though the guy wanted you to record the interaction but you have no way of getting in touch with him? Why not shoot an email over to CopWatch? If he gets out of jail, he might conceivably check in there, for one thing.
Good on you, though - you certainly have the right reflexes. I'm not always very good at it, and I think it's easy to assume that once you start observing cops it's going to be non-stop excitement… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:24 PM on August 5, 2015
My Mother Took Out a Life Insurance Policy On Me Without My Consent
I am wondering - I used to work (in a very entry-level capacity) for a life insurance company, and at least the company I worked for (US-based) would not have issued a policy on an adult child to the parents absent some very compelling reason (ie, parents are disabled, you are their only support). In fact, I remember that the company turned down a case where the children wanted to insure the parents for no particular reason - it was considered "moral hazard", in that the children were… [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:10 AM on August 3, 2015
Cooking for Company