Activity from Frowner

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Invoice vs. Receipt - Am I Culturally Clueless?
Does your invoice show different information from your receipt? When I - part of a large bureaucracy! - order things, sometimes I get a "receipt" which does not show shipping, does not have the full product name, tells me thanks for ordering but does not say how much or how I paid, etc. And thus it's not something I can submit as part of my monthly institutional credit card reconciliation. I don't know whether I'd call up and ask specifically for an invoice, but I... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 1:39 PM on December 19, 2014
Also, now that I think about it, when I was told what materials we needed for a purchase on an institutional card, I was told "invoice" and "packing slip"...."receipt" is not the language used here.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 1:47 PM on December 19, 2014

Am I fooling myself?
Okay, I know this is the metafilter question par excellence, but are you in therapy? Because unless you are really deep-down okay with this pattern for the rest of your life, ie you would really, truly prefer to be basically single but with some emotional interaction (and some people do prefer this! all the feelings and idealization and none of the trauma!) you need to unpack whatever is making you do it.

People love in funny ways - but if you're... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:14 AM on December 16, 2014

American Police Disappearing Citizens?
Here is something I was told but have no proof of: that after the 1968 democratic convention protests, a guy never came back. The person who told this to me believes that he was killed, accidentally or on purpose, by the police and buried somewhere like a construction site.

My surmise is that police probably "disappear" people for just vague violent reasons all the time, but not for specific, organized political reasons.... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:23 AM on December 12, 2014

Top quality men's boots
Oh dear no I don't care for that new chelsea boot either. AE makes some dubious choices sometimes.

The chisel toe RM Williams chelsea boots are very, very nice - more elegant and better made than AE, in my opinion, although there's certainly some nice AE boots. You will probably have to order from Australia. I wear an 8E in US men's shoes and I take 7.5 (wide if I can get it but they are stretchy) in RM Williams. The deal with RM Williams is that they are the only... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:54 AM on December 11, 2014
You're in NYC, right? Why not hit up Barney's? They stock a great variety of high-end boots (and some junk) and this may give you a better idea of fit and options. There's also a Crockett Jones shop at 7 West 56th Street, apparently, and they sometimes have chelsea boots - if they do and they fit, you can't really go wrong with C&J.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:58 AM on December 11, 2014

Reasons that crazy is problematic.
Are words and phrases like "nuts," "insane," "bonkers," and "off their rocker" considered equally borderline offensive?

Yes, yes they are. Because they are all different ways of saying "crazy".

Like a lot of people, I find it a bit tricky to purge this stuff from my language - after all, when I say "that's crazy! we can't get the report in by 3pm!" I am not thinking... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:37 AM on December 10, 2014

Diarrhea of the mouth.
If you are seeing people you've seen before, try to remember something about them and ask about it - "how is the widget business this year?" "Last time we talked, you were telling me about your cat - how is your cat?" "Clara mentioned that you were in her book group...." For me, I tend to develop narratives about people - (there's Joe, he was going to California, I wonder how that went) and then curiousity, and it's easier to participate more... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:24 AM on December 10, 2014

Room-Temperature Winter/Autumn Potluck Dish
Can you just bring a baguette and chevre plus maybe an alternate spread? I actually organize (got stuck with it when I came onboard, haven't had the heart to stick anyone else with it) a large, optional potluck at work, and when people want to eat but not to bring* I usually suggest nice bread and a spread or two. It always goes over well. Just bring a nice plate and something to slice the bread with.

*which is a lot of... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:26 PM on December 9, 2014

Should I give myself a bad review at work?
Never do this! You laudably want to be real about struggles you faced - but the place for that is not your permanent record. And it's not like the struggles were a giant secret, right?

Also, never put health information in a permanent record like this.

There must be a place in the review for "growing edge" stuff - that's where you say that in the next year you would like to work on [whatever it would take to... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:47 AM on December 5, 2014

Name That Logical Fallacy-Filter
"False consciousness" seems a bit related to this - "You're a smart person; only because you have [internalized misogyny/internalized classism/some other incorrect way of understanding your own experiences] are you incapable of correctly evaluating information on this topic".
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:28 AM on December 3, 2014

No/Low Starch Diet - Food "Substitutes" and Brands? (and how to start?)
This looks like great advice - I'll just add how I make cauliflower rice, which is the only carb/starch substitute that I have found which I really prefer to things like pasta and rice.

Set a pan with a relatively heavy bottom to heat on medium-high - an evenly pre-heated pan is best for this, as it is for many things.

Take a small cauliflower or half a large one and grate it either on the large holes of a hand grater or by chopping/grating in a... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:59 PM on December 2, 2014

In search of red and yellow flags for new relationships
Well, it sounds like you may not always have been dating guys who had female friends; maybe some of these "needy" friends were more of a women-I'd-kind-of-like-to-hook-up-with or women-I'm-having-a-flirty-emotional-relationship-with. It's certainly possible to have the kind of conversations with this kind of "friend" that are designed to create almost a sense of alliance between the friend and the speaker against the... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:29 AM on December 2, 2014

Stylish, dressy professional women's scarves -- and not too big?
I would suggest finding out by measurement what "small and thin" means to you. Is a small thin scarf 7" wide by 50" long, for example?

You may have some difficulty finding truly narrow small scarves - most small scarves IME are square. Has your wife considered scarf tying tutorials? There are a number on the internet, and they can show you how to tie a smaller square scarf in a variety of shapes so that you don't really need a long, very thin... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:22 AM on November 28, 2014

Am I broken?
There really isn't enough in this question to say anything for sure, and thus I'd recommend therapy - I'm not sure whether high-class talk therapy would be best since it might help you dig stuff out or whether it would just reassure you of your cleverness. Maybe CBT with someone from the lower middle class - something where you had to stick with it even though you didn't think the practitioner was as smart as you might be helpful. Or at least, I found it very helpful to have to sit through... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:44 AM on November 16, 2014
Anger, too, as tanktop points out upthread. Are you angry? Again, difficult to spot, especially since you, on technical points, have everything. You could be angry for stupid reasons, of course - some sense of entitlement that you never quite worked through in your teens. Or maybe it's biochemical. Were you allowed to express anger as a child and a teen? Did you regularly feel anger or did you learn to suppress it before it became conscious?
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:51 AM on November 16, 2014
(Also, "My family: etc" is interesting. Which of the many listed failings do you attribute to them? Are you close to your family? Are they similar to you in any way?

Obviously, these are questions for you, not questions to answer here.)
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:07 AM on November 16, 2014
So this is just a fascinating question - I had missed the guilt/dating piece on a first read-through.

Why are you dating this person? Since no one really lives up to your standards, they probably don't either - are you dating them because you're hoping that somehow they will? Because you feel that you should? Out of a nebulous desire to date? Out of the feeling that somehow some time maybe things will be different? I mean, I have dated people for all of those reasons,... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:47 AM on November 16, 2014

I want to quit my PhD but I am faced with an ethical dilemma.
Your advisor has more duty of care to you than you have to him. Yes, it's a huge drag that you are leaving work undone, and I understand that he will be inconvenienced and disappointed. However, if the work is genuinely pushing you into depression, you need to quit. And if you aren't planning on a career that requires this PhD, then every year you spend on it is a year of lost professional and financial opportunities for you - you need to get started doing whatever it is... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:50 AM on November 14, 2014

Collecting Unpaid Freelancer Wages in Wisconsin
Do you know the name of anyone in AP? Can you call them? If this is anything like AP where I work, it's almost certainly negligence rather than malice - someone has been out sick and this is "their" responsibility so no one else has picked it up, a file folder has gotten mislaid, their invoice routing system is hung up somewhere - a call to a live person is often useful. Also, a call to Jane's supervisor (or asking Jane to ask her supervisor to get involved) - not because Jane isn't... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:29 AM on November 12, 2014 marked best answer

I need a quality winter boot like this one.
Just for your future reference - if you have boots with smooth leather (or rubber - just can't be plastic) soles, you can take them to a cobbler and have the cobbler attach a treaded sole cover. Covers of various thicknesses are available, ranging from very fine grained (and still pretty slippery) up to 1/4 thick ones that are robust enough to handle ice. You can't transform a super-delicate shoe into one in which you can go sledding, but you can change a city boot with a smooth sole into one... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:38 AM on November 12, 2014

feeling scared and small
The first thing to remember is that you did something which would never have done worse than inconvenience the guy and which was intended (drunkenly) in a spirit of play. And it wasn't a prank on a stranger that you pulled just to see them confounded, either. Sure, it was a bit annoying, but in the grand scheme of Things People Do While Drunk, it was very small potatoes. In the now, do your best to talk yourself down - remind yourself that the sun will rise tomorrow, almost... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 2:38 PM on November 7, 2014

WANTED: Excellent, yet easy reads
I really enjoyed both Wolf Hall and its sequel Bring Up The Bodies - I read Wolf Hall in less than 24 hours while also managing to work a full day and get some sleep. I did not expect to enjoy them since they'd been so widely praised and won the Booker.

Mara and Dann is not my favorite Doris Lessing by any means, but I did find it extremely gripping.

I personally find both Our Mutual Friend and... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:30 AM on November 7, 2014

Is this just a casual relationship? or am I overanalyzing?
The one thing you should not do is stay in a relationship where you feel like you're auditioning or second-guessing yourself all the time - one where you're "dating" when it makes him feel loved but not actually dating. What he has right now is you on a string - you're perpetually auditioning to be better than all the other girls on Tinder and OKCupid, so you have to figure out what his mysterious moods are, whether a picnic is a "date" or not, etc. It... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:55 PM on November 5, 2014 marked best answer

Being a Gentleman - 21st Century Edition
Pay attention to how much respect and attention you accord to women who don't fall into your "real person/fuckable" category - pay attention to how you treat elderly women, for instance, or women of a different subcultural demographic, or from a different class background, etc. Do you assume that a woman who looks like she has less education than you is stupid? Are you unwilling to engage with older women at work, when shopping, etc? Do you assume that someone who is from a... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:03 AM on November 4, 2014
Oh, also, if you're ever in any kind of authoritative or hiring position - make sure that you do not treat gender-non-conforming women as discipline cases. There is a tendency to assume that "mainstream feminine self-presentation" equals "good" and anything different is trouble.

Basically, don't assume that women are doing things at you unless there's a strong reason to assume they are - I don't wear my hair... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:13 AM on November 4, 2014

I Need a Bitey, Feral Cat to Leave My Yard!
Just popping in to say that I had the rabies vaccine after an encounter with a bat and it was not that bad. As long as you are prompt about it, you will not get rabies.

I got a BIG shot of immunoglobulin right away, which felt weird and uncomfortable, plus three other vaccine shots at intervals that were like any other shots. They don't inject you in the stomach any more.

My cat also encountered the bat... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:24 AM on November 3, 2014

Living in a pigsty.
You could hire a cleaning service, but I don't know anything about that...I'm sure someone else can make detailed suggestions.

Are you a depressive or anxious type and you tend to avoid stuff, or are you someone who just sort of...let things go until they got overwhelming? This will make a difference in terms of the speed with which you clean and in terms of maintaining cleanliness.

Here is what I would do:

1. Make a... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 10:41 AM on November 2, 2014

Do shoe trees work?
My surmise is that it depends a lot on how you wear your shoes and what kind of shoes they are.

I wear my shoes pretty hard and they do sometimes get rained on, and I have noticed that I get better results with trees until the shoes are dry. In one instance, I pretty much restored a pair that had gotten unwearably creased over time by treeing them for a couple of weeks right after wear while they were still damp. (I hadn't been treeing them before.) Those were a pair... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:10 AM on November 2, 2014 marked best answer

What are your favorite low(er) fat primal/ low carb meals and recipes?
Cauliflower rice is the best. Take some cauliflower, grate it coarsely, pan saute it in some - but not a lot, you don't need a lot, just maybe 2 tsp - oil, cook until it smells nutty and tastes done, and then finish by mixing with whatever seems good to you. I find that salt, pepper and a T of grated parmesan (which is cheese, but not that much) are good, as is basically anything else that tastes good with cauliflower - butter and sweet paprika and lemon; indian curry pastes; sauces like... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 6:31 AM on November 1, 2014 marked best answer

What are the French neighbours saying?
Yeah, it's about Jacques's brother who got out of prison - it looks like the last line is asking if there is a police proceeding against the brother?

If this was definitely left for you, you should get someone (a mefite?) to help you write another note saying that you are sorry but you are subletting, speak very little French and don't have any information. You could offer to pass along a message to the primary tenants or to provide their contact information if that... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:22 AM on October 31, 2014 marked best answer

Midlife Crisis or Divorce?
When you divorce - and I bet you'll divorce - remember that you owe your wife financially, big time. You're acting out a cliche - dude gets married, wife goes through the hard times while he makes a success, there's finally some money and he's out the door to seek a younger partner...who "understands" him better and fits in better with the new lifestyle. And the frequent result is that the wife - who missed out on lots of career opportunities while raising the kids - gets shafted... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 4:57 PM on October 30, 2014

how do I deal with being utterly humiliated?
I think that going to your mentor and asking for feedback is a good idea - very often, showing that you know you made a mistake can be good for your relationships and your reputation. (I'm not an academic, but I do some Things Where Exactly What You Say Is A Big Deal, and I have one totally spectacular fuck-up to my credit.) Ask for feedback and then cue your responses to theirs - do they seem like "eh, yes, that wasn't so great"? Then respond to them like you... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:13 AM on October 30, 2014

What do you make when life gives you big onions?
I have been making this thing which works best with large's not as large-onion specific as some of the recipes here, but they do help.

Slice two large red/orange/yellow bell peppers so that you get a lot of medium-sized vertical strips. Chop half a large onion into rounds about 3/4 inch wide, then chop those rounds in half. Try to keep them in half-rounds as much as possible - don't break them up.

Turn the broiler on high. Toss the... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:58 PM on October 29, 2014

A People's History of Great Britain, Canada and Australia
I cannot vouch for any of these, although Verso is usually pretty good:

A People's History of Scotland, which I am now going to order since I hope to visit Glasgown in 2016.

Britain's Empire

A People's History of London....actually I sort of can vouch for this because I own it and have flipped around in it - it seems a little thin to me, but not a bad read.

Okay, and theses you... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:54 AM on October 29, 2014 marked best answer
(Oh, with the exception of the People's History of Scotland, they are not Big Giant Books Of All The History, but they are written in the spirit of people's history and would I think be enjoyable if you enjoyed Zinn.)
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:55 AM on October 29, 2014

Discourage clients who don't get a flu shot to protect my elderly Mother
An aspect of this - do all your clients have genuine ability to cancel/reschedule based on their own health? Or is this the kind of service where they have to work with you because of their jobs? Many people are discouraged from allowing any delay in their work when sick. (Everywhere I've ever worked, the official line is "go home if you're sick" and the actual line is "don't let there be any delays in your work" - I've had a cold for the past week, I'd... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 7:04 AM on October 28, 2014

Do you know a website or magazine that sells "new" vintage clothes?
Recollections Clothing is mainly 19th century but has some Edwardian stuff and miscellany. I can vouch for their cotton shirts - I got one once and it was nicely made.

You might also want to look for "modest" clothing - some of that is in vintage styles.
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 8:48 AM on October 27, 2014

Can you explain how feelings work?
I had/have a lot of trouble with feelings, although I didn't realize this until relatively late in life.

I found therapy immensely helpful, but it is a big commitment (in at least time and maybe money depending on your insurance) so if you don't feel that you have other things that need sorting out in therapy (I did go for other reasons; the feelings were a side effect) I would suggest trying daily journaling about your thoughts and feelings plus also sitting down to... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:29 PM on October 24, 2014
Oh, and I second urufu's point. One big thing for me (and for you?) is that I learned early to figure out what I should be feeling and think that I was feeling it. I could easily see myself being really mature and cool about a date being a jerk because it would mess with my self-concept and what I'd learned was acceptable to show that I was upset, even to show myself that I was upset. A big part of identifying feelings is being able to... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:32 PM on October 24, 2014 marked best answer

How do you find the strength to walk away?
If he is so improved now and has seen the error of his ways, he will be a wonderful partner for someone new, someone he has not hurt and worn down. Even if you improve and change, you aren't entitled to start anew with people you hurt.

Frankly, he sounds creepy as hell. He sounds like - even if he believes what he's saying - he's mostly motivated by the desire to get you back under his thumb.

Also, none... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:20 PM on October 22, 2014

Does advertising work anymore?
I always assume that I am being unconsciously influenced by the ads that I see, or that I am simply picking up brand names - so that when I go to the store, even if I don't know anything about the different brands of crackers or whatever, at least one will be familiar and I will be more likely to buy it. I would love to believe that I am a special snowflake who lives beyond advertising, but I doubt it.

Actually, strike that - I get ads for fancy... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 1:10 PM on October 20, 2014

Apartment and bug filter. Stay or leave?
We had one year where we had about a million boxelder bugs and they got in the house - for some reason they really liked the back steps that year. After that, I've only seen them occasionally. Check and see if there's a particular window or other spot where they are congregating. They are harmless and they do go away.

I have seen tiny glossy black millipede-like bugs a couple of times - maybe that's what you're talking about? I've never seen an infestation of them,... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:39 AM on October 19, 2014

Boyfriend has been honest about his past – should I end it?
Does your boyfriend struggle with anxiety, especially about being very precise with language? Is he reluctant to promise about other things, or to say things like "we will definitely go to Maine next June"? I could see a certain type of personality where he's getting hung up on the sort of "I don't want to cheat, I plan to work hard not to cheat, but A PROMISE IS A PROMISE and what if I lost my memory or had a total moral failure or something went horribly wrong? I cannot... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 2:02 PM on October 17, 2014 marked best answer

Bug out
This is just based on a cursory google, but it looks like there's one place in the LA area (at least) that will do the "put your stuff in a moving truck, we fill the moving truck with Vikane and kill the bedbugs" thing - here is the bedbugger thread. The place is called Isotech. It might be worth calling them to find out what it would cost - if you're actually looking at tossing all your furniture and mattresses and so on, it might be cheaper and easier to pay for the Vikane/truck... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:56 AM on October 16, 2014

3 Years... Feeling Conflicted About The Future
You know what I think? I think you should wait a little longer, until you get the job situation sorted out and until you see if this headshot business pans out. You're under a huge amount of stress because you've just graduated and are unemployed - that can put a hell of a crimp in your sex drive. He's still quite young, and honestly, having a real job changes things for a lot of people - people who live in filth paycheck-to-paycheck often seem to grow some sense once they hit the "I... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:08 AM on October 15, 2014

Why would he think it's OK to walk through my house with his boots on?
I never heard of taking one's shoes off in the house as a regular thing and was surprised as an adult to encounter so much moralizing around it. (I wonder if it's a class thing - everyone I know from the "shoes off or you're an uncultured boor" side grew up middle class and urban or was socialized into middle class urban norms.)

I would never not hire someone because they didn't take their work boots off while they were working - judge... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 12:03 PM on October 13, 2014

Creative, vegetarian dishes for a newly picky eater?
I'm glad you asked this question because now I can tell you about cauliflower rice, the only low carb carb-substitute that I actually like more than the carb in question.

You will need:

oil (vary the kind according to the dish)

a large frying pan/shallow saute pan, preferably a heavy one
a coarse grater


Grate your cauliflower.... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 5:44 PM on October 10, 2014

I have all-clad discount paranoia
I think if it was a special licensing agreement, there would be more of the pots and pans and they'd have boxes. This sounds to me like a display set or else some kind of botched return.

I've gotten a couple of very high-end pans at TJ Max for ~half retail, and those also came without any box, etc. Once of them had the price sticker packing-taped to the pot and even now, years later, there are tiny traces of the glue from the tape. Both pans were completely authentic,... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 9:26 AM on October 10, 2014 marked best answer

Sorry, can't talk. Mouth full of foot.
Yes, you should call her to clarify. Absolutely. You made an innocent mistake that sounded pretty bad. I've done the same thing (with very different specifics) and calling and talking it through was the right thing.

"Jen, I wanted to call you because after we spoke I was horrified to realize that I'd said something which sounded as though I was making a joke about [person's] cancer treatment. When I was trying to remember her name, I was reminded of nicknames... [more]
posted to Ask MetaFilter by Frowner at 11:28 AM on September 28, 2014

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