"She, men [would have said was] your mother once"? It looks like he is talking to his sons and nephews about his dead wife, who was so beautiful that "Old Gandalf" envied him? posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 2:29 PM on March 12, 2014
I think "have" here might mean more like "believe" or "recognize"? posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 2:29 PM on March 12, 2014
I would be concerned. I would not minimize this. (I am a queer person of indeterminate gender identity, trying to figure out this whole transitioning thing.) I think the people who are saying that this doesn't sound serious are not really grasping the whole "gay panic defense" thing or the actual lived violence that trans people (primarily trans women but also trans men) can face. I would not be at all comfortable in this situation, not even close - you're at a remote location... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:52 AM on March 10, 2014
Something that might be useful if any Western mefites are reading this - if a mod can post approximately where you are, there might be someone who would be able to give you a ride if you needed it - hopefully you won't, but it doesn't hurt to have a plan.
Also, if you actually literally are not able to switch rooms, why not set up a daily check-in with a friend by email? posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 12:13 PM on March 10, 2014
And seriously - one way of being a good queer ambassador is not taking a lot of shit. There's a big difference between being friendly and approachable and willing to do a certain amount of 101 and putting up with fear and discomfort due to someone else's prejudice. When you refuse to live in a high-stress situation (when you should be learning a prized new skill!) you're saying "queer folks are just like regular folks, we deserve safety and comfort and the people who... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 12:16 PM on March 10, 2014
Yes, I would also like to hear how you are doing! I hope that whatever you've been able to / decided to do is an improvement. posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:36 AM on March 12, 2014
I painted an old dresser using some kind of indoor paint in a small can (ie, probably the wrong paint) from the hardware store. I did this in the neighborhood of nine years ago now and it still looks fine, except for the spot where I tend to store kind of scrapey things, where the paint surface is a little warn. I didn't even prime. I did two careful coats with a small brush. I have been quite happy with the result, on the whole, although I'd sand and prime if I were doing it anew.... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 4:50 AM on March 11, 2014
Have you thought of getting two bags? I mean, I carry a mid-sized "grown up" messenger bag (this one, although I got mine used on eBay) and while I have certainly gone on long walks carrying it, I would not care to hike with it. I also don't think I could live out of it for an extended period. I think that the reason messenger bags may be giving you backaches is that they really aren't designed for heavy loads - even the serious bike messenger... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 8:19 PM on March 9, 2014
I'd always put it down to Harry Potter, Dr. Who and BBC Sherlock - I've noticed this same uptick in semi-Britishisms myself. My theory has been that US fandom started using them fairly heavily and it spread from there. posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:00 AM on March 8, 2014
This....does not sound like a great idea. You sound like you don't especially want to be friends with him, for one thing. You also sound like you're lonely enough that you might possibly get pulled into something with this guy out of inertia.
"Basically, the prospect of us dating doesn't utterly horrify me, but nor does it make me particularly happy -- the best way I can think to describe it is it's like this looming potential trap of an eventuality that may or... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 3:26 AM on March 8, 2014
Well, the chickpeas and the lentils together in the course of 24 hours are a lot of fiber if you are not used to it. (Personally, I like chickpeas, but even after years of eating them I still find them a bit too filling.)
Tofu is great - protein-rich, virtually no fiber. Tofu scramble, tofu in ramen type broth, tofu in stir fry...
Honestly, probably keeping the legumes to one 1 cup serving a day for the present will help a lot - they have so... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 12:42 PM on March 4, 2014
What are the actual lived consequences of knitting in meetings and conversations? Does it put you at risk professionally? If it doesn't, I would suggest much more that you go ahead and knit, telling yourself firmly that you really need to do this and doing your best to put worry about other people's responses out of your mind. I assume that if you're around friends, you're able to say something about why you need to keep your hands busy - "I've been anxious lately and knitting really... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:31 AM on February 28, 2014 marked best answer
I think it's really difficult to buy a good new couch without spending upwards of $1500. Truly, the most durable mass market sofa I have ever encountered is the Ikea Klippan loveseat - which isn't technically a sofa and isn't super comfortable...but man, it wears like iron.
I have an old locally-made sofa that I got at the thrift store something like nine years ago (before the bedbug problem) that's still going strong - although we'll need to get the... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:44 AM on February 28, 2014 marked best answer
One thing I have found enormously helpful recently: I have moved to no-cook dinners. Dinner for me, right now, is a big fistful of baby carrots, some cherry tomatoes, a sliced up apple, a few of some kind of fancy wholesome crackers (sometimes home made, sometimes Dr. Kracker, sometimes Swedish rye krisps) with cheese or peanut butter and then a few other little things - three or four olives and/or a little dark chocolate and/or a couple of spoons of guacamole and/or a couple of bites of... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:24 AM on February 28, 2014
I know some knitters and it does, honestly, bother me a bit. Partly because it breaks up the body language part of the conversation - less eye contact, more of the body cues are the result of knitting than interaction.
I think if we were hanging out watching a movie, or it was my housemate and we were chatting at the end of the day while sitting around, it would be fine. But it bothers me a lot if we've actually made a time to hang out at a coffee shop and talk and... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 5:56 AM on February 28, 2014
Also, while it is a tradition to always take the knitting and always be productive, it is not the only tradition. Consider the little minatory rhyme quoted in Margaret Atwood's Cat's Eye - "Walking, riding, standing, sitting - where she goes, there goes her knitting"....that's not positioned as a good thing.
I wouldn't say that it's rude precisely - rudeness seems... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 5:59 AM on February 28, 2014
The thing is, if you're not in the kind of social world where there are people who do sex work, you've gotten nothing but messages about how bad/freaky/broken sex workers are and how their work unfits them for "normal" relationships. That's what you've grown up with. It's understandable that all this - now that you can't ignore it - is very shocking and upsetting. Not because sex workers are terrible, but because you've been socialized to see people who do sex work as unacceptable,... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 9:22 PM on February 26, 2014
I remember your previous question and I stand by my answer from that one: break up with this girl and make some women friends before you date again. Your problem here and your problem there seem to be rooted in Not Knowing Enough Women. Assuming this is the same girl, the problem with her isn't her face or her body - it's that she has a bizarro world timeline about relationships that is justifiably unpleasant to you but which you don't seem to feel... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 9:04 AM on February 25, 2014
Oh hey late-twenties Frowner! I tell you what, this time don't have a breakdown at 29, lose a year to depression and then have a slow, miserable climb back to functionality!
1. If you are having truly intrusive and painful thoughts about regret that are interfering with your daily life, go to a therapist - more than anything else, I wish I had done this in my late twenties (instead of doing it in my late thirties, hooray!)... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:05 AM on February 25, 2014
Maybe sit down with all the adults/teens and say "We need to keep the door locked so that Toddler V stays safe. We're all having trouble remembering. What do you suggest that would enable you to lock the door every time?" Then collectively come up with something (or several somethings, if different things work for different people, so that you have some group buy-in rather than a solution you come up with from the outside. (If you think people will only suggest terrible solutions,... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:30 AM on February 24, 2014
(If you absolutely can't find anything, maybe contact that eBay seller with your story and an offer to make a bulk purchase if they'll ship to Canada? I sell things on eBay (not hair dye, sadly) and also buy things on eBay, and people are often amenable to special requests.) posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 1:21 PM on February 22, 2014
-if you are making frosting, coconut milk (added gradually in place of the liquid and part of the fat) will make your frosting glossier and more coconut-y.
-it is possible that you are just in a coconut mood and have not yet discovered cooking with coconut oil. You can cook with refined coconut oil in general as a replacement for most regular oils and when making pastries (it's great for vegan pie crust). But... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:28 AM on February 21, 2014
Don't let her push you out into some disastrous situation.
Looking at your past questions, it seems like you have had some really rough stuff happen recently. If the stress of dealing with your emergencies did in fact push her back into a PTSD episode, that is definitely a very tragic and upsetting thing for her, but you did not choose the hospitalization and other crises. It seems very sad but not anyone's fault - not everything is someone's fault. And you certainly... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:55 AM on February 20, 2014 marked best answer
You might want to read up on the history of science. I find that when I remind myself of the Tuskagee study or eugenics or the whole "women have wandering wombs" or Charcot's lectures, for instance, or just the many recent instances of fraud or silly thinking that have come to light (most vitamins most of the time - completely useless! or actively harmful! many published lab results can't be replicated!) I find it easier to let the woo go. Frankly, I'd rather have folks who believe... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 10:41 AM on February 20, 2014
Of course there are quacks practicing and espousing these things. Western medicine has the same number of quacks (e.g., Dr. Oz). But dismissing entire systems of thought based on a few quacks is not exactly critical thinking, either.
That is a really good point. I think there's some unconscious racism in the kind of scientific thought which dismisses all non-Western medicine out of hand. (Racism? In science? Surely not!) Perhaps... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 10:53 AM on February 20, 2014
What I'd actually do? Exchange some minimal small talk, feel horrible about myself, relive the original incidents repeatedly over the next couple of days and then continue in dread of seeing her. (Ask me how I know!)
What you should do? Practice a script. Practice it with a close friend if you have someone you can trust.
What do you want the script to do? Do you want to be direct? Do you want to be... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 7:30 AM on February 20, 2014
If you feel like spending a LOT of money for a very nice boot, you can get any of the Wesco women's boots (some of which are far more fashion-y than I had hitherto realized) in larger sizes. The lace-up styles are shown in 10" versions on the front page but you can get them in 10/12/14/16, and I know they have a light brown suede or roughout leather. The "Shadows" and the "Phoenix" can be built entirely of suede, even though they're shown in suede/smooth. (Go in to the... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 1:13 PM on February 19, 2014
Personally, I would use a spreadsheet. I don't do this particular kind of thing, but a google docs spreadsheet with columns for the referenced author (as this seems to be the most important) then the author doing the referring, then a couple of columns for different kinds of notes about the reference (specific book, page numbers, etc, plus a big column or two for a few notes about the argument itself. If it's in google docs, it can travel with you and you can sort it as needed. The only... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:56 AM on February 19, 2014
By which I mean you could keep a spreadsheet for tracking so that you know what you have at a glance, and then either keep a separate google doc for notes on each book you read (which you'd then search for your more detailed notes about the argumentation) or keep a single google doc with reading notes in general (this is more what I tend to do, but it's really more a reading journal than anything systematic). posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:57 AM on February 19, 2014
I would tell HR - after the interview process. My immediate fear, given some familiarity with admin hiring, is that this dude was trying to find out if you were gay because he is homophobic and would use that to advocate against you. You must be aware that admin positions - unless you mean "higher level administrative thing like being an assistant dean or something" - are generally filled by women. I've encountered some suspicion of men who apply for these roles....although I've also... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 9:48 AM on February 19, 2014
(My point being that while gay men can actually be married now and have always been able to be dads, I've encountered a lot of fishing about marriage and children in a homophobic context, since frankly that type of homophobe tends not to grasp the finer points and assumes that marriage/kids equals straight-married/babies-with-female-partner.) posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 9:55 AM on February 19, 2014
Headaches can be really tricky to diagnose - just to put that out there. And the side-effects from migraine meds are non-trivial (migraine meds have changed my life and luckily I experience few side effects, but I know someone who can't take them and still gets multi-day headaches). If your partner experiences chronic headaches (if - this isn't clear from your question) and he treats them by smoking a little every day (assuming it's a little) that seems reasonable. If my choice were the... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 4:55 AM on February 19, 2014
What are your long-term expectations here? Is this a guy who would be a great stay-at-home dad while you make a high salary, for instance? Is he a guy who could get motivated to run a household? I have a relative who has a mediocre work history - to say the slightest! - and yet this person has been god's gift to our family in terms of stepping up to care for people in emergencies or health crises, and we would have been really up the creek if they'd turned out to be, like, a busy... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 1:31 PM on February 15, 2014
I know you marked this as "done" but just in case - look, I hear you. I love to dance but I feel pretty self-conscious because I am basically kind of a weird-looking moderately fat person, so I worry a lot about dancing at least well enough that people won't stare. And that's real; that's not something you can hand-wave away by saying that I "just shouldn't care". Some people are awesome and they just don't care; me, I've had a life of various kinds of bullying and... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 5:24 AM on February 15, 2014 marked best answer
Also, you need a mirror that is big enough to see your whole self. If you don't have one, get one from Target or Ikea - it need not be fancy. You can even prop it up against the wall if you arrange it right, but putting it on the back of a door is best. I think a problem a lot of people have - even people who can dance - is that they don't know how they look or how a given movement looks. Videos help you see how a movement looks, but only looking at yourself helps you see... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:29 AM on February 15, 2014
I think a lot depends on climate and the nature of your work. I am a total clotheshorse, so I have a lot of clothes anyway - but I have probably 1/3 more than I would in a less extreme climate - I have to have a small but complete wardrobe of professional clothes that look all right for the three months of boiling summer heat, and I'm always obsessively stalking summer work-appropriate pants because it's really difficult to find any that fit and aren't fragile or frumpy. I also need pants and... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 2:01 PM on February 13, 2014
My first and last experience with lime vodka was probably about three shots' worth in fairly short order coupled with some extremely ill-advised fatty food. This was years ago, when I was young and in my prime, and I too threw up.
Did you have to drink this for some reason? (Work culture that prizes drinking, for example? Hospitality in a hard-drinking part of the world?)
If you didn't, I would suggest focusing on drinking things you... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:31 AM on February 13, 2014
I drank it quickly indeed, I waited at most 15-20 minutes between two shots.
Oh wow, that sounds like a hilariously bad idea! But at least we know why you were sick.
I personally don't drink much, and very seldom drink hard liquor - I don't like most of it, it mostly tastes too sweet to me.
I like dry red wines in general, especially from Spain. (Dry being less sweet.)
Oh you might also like Caipirinha, which is made with rum. It's a great drink for parties since it's best to make a big pitcher. This is something that a friend used to make for our New Year's Eve party. Since I don't drink much, I'd always just have a half glass, but it was tasty.
Champagne punch is good for parties, too. You don't need fancy champagne. posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 12:14 PM on February 13, 2014
Also, here is a thing I learned late in life: many people, unlike me, don't develop huge crushes on people before going out with them so that they go into the relationship with a lot of feelings already. They just start dating someone who they like all right and then see where it goes. It's quite possible that this girl is all "I don't want to jump into a Giant Romance but I like this guy enough to go on a couple of dates and see what happens". I think it's much more reassuring to... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 6:16 AM on February 13, 2014
Every "Ask A Nurse" line I've ever called has always told me to go to the ER or the urgent care, regardless of my actual symptoms. They have never told me "keep an eye on it". I think there's liability concerns if they tell you not to seek immediate treatment. I actually stopped calling them after a few rounds of being advised to seek expensive emergency care for conditions that were manifestly, obviously not emergencies. I don't think they are actually allowed to dispense... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:43 AM on February 12, 2014
(What I mean about "because you are a hypochondriac" is that often it's easier to say "I am going to check on this too often but at regular intervals rather than every ten minutes" than to try to maintain a non-panicky approach.) posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 11:45 AM on February 12, 2014
This sounds like a case for the Wolverine 1000 mile - nicer than the Fryes (I don't like Fryes, the lasts tend to be narrow and the leather very stiff), made in the US, often findable on sale. I have handled them and they're pretty good. posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 10:22 AM on February 11, 2014
(Also, the Wolverines are made in the US and the Fryes are so very not made in the US that they do not even specify where - so it's unlikely to be Italy or Mexico or anywhere with a reputable artisan shoe industry, more likely to be India or Brazil, and while there is no reason why India or Brazil can't produce fine shoes, in general those factories are just sweated labor right now.) posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 10:28 AM on February 11, 2014
(If you do settle on a boot which has a flat leather sole, you can take it to a cobbler and have him put a sturdy 1/4" vibram sole on the bottom - I do this with all my dressier boots to make them suitable for winter. (This is different from a "topy" or sole cover, which is thinner and has much less tread.))
Helm boots are - as far as I can tell - made by Rancourt, who also makes the Eastland Made In Maine boots. The designs are very similar. I have a... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 10:46 AM on February 11, 2014
Well, canonically, the anarchist SF novel is Ursula Le Guin's The Dispossessed. I think it's worth reading simply because it is so influential.
Some books I would read: Stars In My Pocket Like Grains of Sand by Samuel Delany. I think anyone who is interested in Banks will be interested in the "Web" and the conflict between Family and Sign. I don't think that Delany describes the society of Morgre as anarchist,... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 1:09 PM on February 10, 2014
You sound like maybe you are relatively young? And maybe you have not dated a ton?
Being relatively young and not having dated a ton do not entitle you to free cheating, of course. However, I think it's possible not to realize how much your feelings about your relationship and your partner can ebb and flow over time even in a good healthy relationship. You can be seriously, seriously physically attracted to people - yea verily, even people who are into you! - often,... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 8:55 AM on February 10, 2014
I just want to reiterate that there is no situation where you can't decide not to pursue an affair. If you pursue an affair, it is because you decided to pursue it - even if that just means "I really wanted this, so I put myself in temptation's way accidentally-on-purpose, and I accidentally-on-purpose arranged things so that it would be difficult to put the brakes on". Beware of "accidentally on purpose" - that is how you fool yourself into feeling that... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 9:09 AM on February 10, 2014
I mean, my immediate guess based on my own adolescence would be "the kid is really stressed and angry because of the family situation and he feels a lot of ambiguity about his own father; you come into the picture, complicating things and causing stress just by existing; everything you do has an extra irritation/stress factor on it as a result; the kid is having trouble processing feelings and can't really articulate (or doesn't feel good about articulating) his feelings about his mother's... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 8:33 AM on February 10, 2014
Also, what other changes has your presence made in the home routine?
If the children are in school, they should be gone during most of the work day, right? Or do you work an off schedule?
Prior to your moving in, did the sons have a lot of time by themselves at home in the afternoons and weekends, time they could spend with friends or girlfriends or time they could use to do private stuff of one kind or another? Up to a point, they might just... [more] posted to Ask Metafilter by Frownerat 8:40 AM on February 10, 2014