I had sex once.

I was all, "yo baby, youse wanna have a piece of sex on me???"

and she was all, "yo sexxy let's have a hot quart of sexx right now ooh yeah"

and I was all, "yo baby I'm-a give you a kilogram of sexxx yo"

and she was all, "yo I need about a pint of sexxxx right here"

and I was all, "yo what's that in... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:32 AM on February 10, 2012

The thief then, his speech gone coarse -
Lifted up his hand and made the bird
Crying, "Fuck you, God! And fuck your horse!"

One serpent, a friend of gentler words,
Wrapped itself around the sinner's head,
As if to say, "Much better you're not heard"

Another winds around his arms, a thread
That, twisting, knots itself in front,
Now his insulting limbs can't spread ...
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 4:45 AM on February 7, 2012

"The wind blew the book open at the prologue!!!" she explained suddenly, and then, och! - the bonnie wee lassie with red hair and blue eyes and pink skin and a magenta t-shirt and cyan jeans from a village 4.73 miles north-north east from Glasgow's central business district picked up the book and read out the ISBN number.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 3:35 PM on January 28, 2012

Infinite Jest: a review by the quidnunc kid

I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 2:11 AM on January 18, 2012

ARIZONA, THE RECENT PAST ...

OK, Vice-Principal Brown. Here's the syllabus for the senior class this year: we'll be teaching math, history, overthrowing the US government, biology, English, chemistry...

-- Sorry, Principal Grey - did you just say that we'll be teaching a course in "overthrowing the US government"?

Huh? Oh - lemme see here ... math ... history ... Oh yeah, overthrowing the US government.... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 10:12 AM on January 17, 2012

Waterstones to be renamed, "Oh, you immortal Gods! Waterstones".

In a dramatic about-face, the book retailer Waterstones has reacted to the criticism of its recent re-branding exercise by adding an apostrophe back into their name. The bookstore, previously known as "Waterstone's", has decided to mollify purists by adding an exclamatory rhetorical figure of speech directed to an imaginary person or abstract quality to the beginning of its name.... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 4:23 AM on January 13, 2012

For Christ's Sake! is a brand of Japanese rice wine reported to be first produced by Jesus Christ himself. Enjoy the favourite tipple of the wedding at Cana with Christ's Sake!
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 7:02 AM on January 13, 2012

Luckily Scotland is thinking about breaking up with its boyfriend, England, and digging a large trench near Hadrian's Wall, destroying forever Britain United FC. In the future, therefore, there will technically be no such thing as a "British" person, and thus Her Majesty the Queen must allow Jardis, Queen of the North, to sacrifice Prince Edward as demanded by certain magic from the dawn of time. Heavy snows expected. But: no more British people, hence no more British people getting... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 8:35 AM on January 13, 2012

I hate the very thought of a phone call interrupting any kind of artistic performance.

Here's what I do: I turn my phone up REALLY LOUD, and when I get a call in the performance venue I stand up and yell: "PLEASE STOP THE PERFORMANCE IMMEDIATELY. SOMEONE IS ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME ON MY TELEPHONIC HANDSET. I REPEAT, CEASE THE PERFORMANCE AT ONCE. TELEPHONY IS IMMINENT".

Then I take the call - often it's my friend Larry, but... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 10:34 AM on January 11, 2012

I found this link uttterly devoid of value. It exists as an expression of the very capitalist ideology it pretends to satirize; its thin format of pseudo-comedy suggests only that the fictional author is gauchely overstating the value of their experiences for the purposes of petitioning some corporate teat to give them suckle. As various people in this thread have stated, the value of not participating in the correct authority-mandated economic-slave mode of existence can be judged in terms... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:43 AM on January 11, 2012

Or at least that's what I overheard on the Goldman Sachs elevator - could be made up for all I know.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:46 AM on January 11, 2012

My girlfriend and I took her visiting parents to see War Horse (the play) at the New London, and we enjoyed it very much. When the play ended and we boarded the taxi home, my girlfriend's mother was confirming that I did indeed enjoy the experience, and I said to her: "I loved it, although, at the end, we never did find out who won that damn war!"

And she looked at me doubtfully, and the thought obviously ran through her mind: "What? What the fuck? Was... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:10 AM on January 10, 2012

A triumph of niceness by dng, whose talents and virtues are infinite. I urge you all, should you ever have the opportunity to buy the man a drink, to do so.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 2:02 PM on December 22, 2011

Top man.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:31 AM on December 18, 2011

I love this post. My heartfelt thanks to ricochet and commenters!
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 3:11 PM on December 14, 2011

.

Love that shop.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 1:49 PM on December 14, 2011

This is the main reason that I never insult, impugn or molest corporations on this website - the liability issues are too frightening to contemplate. The rest of you corporation-hating liberals love to mope and screech at every action of profit-making companies - but on your own heads be it. As far as I am concerned corporations are LOVELY and NICE and they smell like a PINE TREE FOREST and they taste like APPLE STRUDEL. I'd like to HUG a corporation and give it ALL of my money and worship,... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:39 AM on December 9, 2011

Well I think this is a great step forward for two of the most vibrating nations on the Earth-o-Sphere. My hearty congratulations go out to Primal Minisir Stephen Harper and Precedent Barack Obama for taking their countries in hand and squeezing them together into a tighter and rounder ball-mass. Hooray for free trade, hooray for bi-national partnerships and hip-hip-hooray for "CanadUsa", the freshly created supranational entity that this glorious copulation has begotten.... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 4:22 AM on December 8, 2011

This guy is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, even if you liberals are too indoctrinated by your anti-freedom, anti-progress groupthink to see it. The stereotype of the "greedy businessperson" has been a hate figure for decades, to the utter detriment of our society. Of course, this all started with the arch-liberal Jesus Christ, who began the whole "rich man can't get into heaven" bullshit, who gave free health care to poor people, and who actually tried to restrict the activities of... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:29 AM on December 6, 2011

The great thing about Walt Disney is how he based every Donald Duck cartoon on his own life, because Walt Disney was actually a duck, who looked after three nephews with very similar names and outfits. Also Walt never wore pants. It's only now that we can look back at the stories of Donald Fauntleroy Duck and clearly see the biographical detail which reveals the life of pain and anguish that was Walt's existence, and realise what an amazing artistic genius Walt really was. But, we ALL are... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 7:27 AM on December 6, 2011

The REAL problem with this voice recognition thing is the name "Siri".

"Sir I!", is the TRUE name of this entity, which is short for "Sir iPhone!" and should alert you to the fact that your iPhone is now a terrible LORD to whom you owe your fealty, respect and utter worship.

This is because the robotic overlord in question is but the computerized personality of Steven Tiberius Jobs which was uploaded to the iCloud... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 3:05 AM on November 30, 2011

I find this sentiment worse than the outburst of recognisable insanity from this silly lady

I think acb was just joking that Britain doesn't send its undesirables as convicts to Australia, but Australians sent to live in the UK are, ha-ha, "undesirable". This was in response to a previous joke that this (ranting) person should be the one deported.

acb wasn't suggesting that Australia has "the right idea" about race relations.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 7:21 AM on November 29, 2011

If you're in the UK and you haven't heard the white underclasses (and working classes) saying exactly what she says (but behind closed doors), you're pretty naive

Or you need to open more doors. Some have prizes behind them. Others, racism. But the prizes are pretty good, so ... yeah. Good luck.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 8:30 AM on November 29, 2011

This woman is, like all racists, a fucking idiot ... So if we criticise her for being stupid, we're guilty of discrimination just as the racists are.

Umm
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:45 AM on November 29, 2011

Umm

I just realised that could have been expressed better by "Uhh?"
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:53 AM on November 29, 2011

In that time period I discovered some people regarded me as a a capative audience on public transport ... (mostly from loud, susbstance-addicted/mentally-ill people riding the bendy bus for free)

I have the perhaps obvious hypothesis that women are more often the recipients of this than men.

Having seen one or two drunk/mentally ill people yelling girl-hate obscenities at woman on London buses, I also worry that it is another... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 11:09 AM on November 29, 2011

the quidnunc kid, not at all. The abuse I was describing was more along the lines of one loud person on the bus yelling racist crap at no-one in particular and everyone in general, but I do get a lot of grief using public transport, which is why I much prefer cycling.

Gotcha - and thanks, everydayanewday. I hope your bike travels are more pleasant than your bus experiences, although I gather that when one is on a bike, the bus itself (rather than its... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 11:48 AM on November 29, 2011

not because marsupials are less flexible than placentals

Fucken placentals come over here, right, completely uninvited, right, and act like they own the fucken place. They're always jabberin' away in their placental language and talkin' about placentas. Well I say it's about time we had a national debate on placental immigration, and if they wanna come over here they should integrate with OUR society and keep their young in a fucken POUCH like normal fauna.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 2:52 AM on November 28, 2011

Aggregation is the greatest triumph of the democranet. While the individual actions of a twittering peon are generally considered contemptibly meaningless, the accumulation of billions of these button-twitchings flawlessly reveals humanity's "macroscopic" preoccupations. (Similarly, the act of favouriting on MeFi is - according to many - abhorrent when considered as an individual act, but the emergent thousand-favourite posts and comments are a sure guide to the best of the site.) As... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 7:54 AM on November 24, 2011

Tired of YOUR privacy being invaded by shadowy "corporations"? quidnunc kid industries Limited can help YOU turn the tables on these peeping toms. Simply deposit all your money with quidnunc kid industries Limited and we will give it to various corporations to spend - on the condition that THEY provide YOU with a detailed breakdown of how, where and when they spend your money!

Lounge about in the comfort of your own home, as private as you like, while the... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:05 AM on November 23, 2011

Phillp Morris bans Australiana

In a tit-for-tat regulatory war with a ludicrously shaped land mass, Philip Morris today banned all Australian employees from displaying any identifying marks. From now on, the 4,637 Australian staff of the global Phillip Morris group may not wear cork hats, flip-flops, speedos or shorts to work. Idiomatic Australian phrases are also banned, and employees may not say "get a big dog up ya", "ya flamin' galah" or... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:09 AM on November 21, 2011

If I was in charge of Australia, anyone who smoked would be IMMEDIATLEY extinguished with a very small fire-extinguisher.

A team of tiny firepersons, only three inches high, would be specially bred in CSIRO laboratories for this purpose, and given their own tiny fire engine. These miniscule minutemen would scour the land in search of tobacco-puffing smoke-belchers. When they found one, they'd access the smoker's face with tiny ladders and shoot tiny streams of water... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:03 AM on November 21, 2011

That's a decent plan quidunc but what about (4)X(XXX) drinkers?

Hmmm ... how about a team of tiny teetotalers to crawl up the drinker's anus and suck the poison out FROM THE INSIDE ... but just vote #1 me and we'll deal with these minor details later.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:19 AM on November 21, 2011

(other than "ball-ball")

Official Rules for Ball-Ball
Fédération internationale de Ball-Ball ("FIBB")

1. Ball-Ball shall be played by two opposing players, called "Ball-Ball-Boys," each of which shall have two Balls.
2. Play shall commence when one Ball-Ball-Boy kicks another Ball-Ball-Boy in the Balls.
3. The kicked Ball-Ball-Boy shall be permitted to make no... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 3:22 AM on November 18, 2011

Money = human-hating fetish-object. Do you use "money"? If so, congratulations on propping up a system of oppressive hatred that kills millions of people every day. I bet it feels good fondling your little colourful sheets of evil, which are made of flattened-out third world children.

I never touch money, and that's why I'm morally superior to all of you. Here's how you can turn from your money-humping existence and become a human being again. You know,... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:56 AM on November 15, 2011

Hi, Dasein!
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 10:38 AM on November 15, 2011

I hate each and every one of these tossers

Typical class hatred from the lumpenproles.

One of the benefits of the glorious British civilization - a civilization that, perhaps foolishly, suckled to its welcoming bosom the traitorous viper Decani - is that it has assured each Britisher the ancient right to wear trousers of whatsoever hue most pleaseth him.

His Majesty King Edward III himself granted... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 3:57 AM on November 14, 2011

twoleftfeet, looks like you're for the tower too. "Chop chop" for the chop-chop, you bi-sinisteropod, you.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 4:13 AM on November 14, 2011

I don't understand why long underwear should ever be red

Thou hast ne'er suffered through the twinsome horror of chilblains and rectal bleeding?

By the nipplering of Christ, I thought this was a website for the compassionate.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:38 AM on November 14, 2011

I don't understand why long underwear should ever be red

Third in a continuing series of explanations

Ay lad, for red be the colour of romance, 'tis as the folk song doth tell:

"Ruddy red pants speaketh love most true /
Thus I shall wear for my darling! /
And she shall wear panties baby-blue - /
And we shall get pissed on six pints of Carling! /... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:49 AM on November 14, 2011

I have no need for red trousers, for I am a baboon, with a bright red anus and genitalia. A big shout-out from the other members of my troop, by the way - they really enjoy metafilter, and when I log in to the site, they often fling their feces right at my laptop screen. Not all that dissimilar to y'all.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 7:39 AM on November 14, 2011

That's fighting talk, you bounder!

Yea, and thus didst Decani and quidnunc resolve to fight a joust, and all throughout the Kingdom each man didst take sides in the debate, and placed bets upon the results, and gave unsolicited managerial advice to their friends in the public ale house, as was their wont. And Decani and quidnunc didst don their fine armor, and took each to his side a lance most pointy, and sate upon a horse and rode unto the field of... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:17 AM on November 14, 2011

Just to give a historical perspective: in ye olde times, the motion of celestial bodies was acknowledged to be the most perfect form of motion, and God, who with divine love moved the heav'nly spheres, was thought to be a "pretty OK kind of guy".

But, thanks to all your so-called "science", the Earth is wobbling around like a drunken and lecherous wedding-guest, lurching from bridesmaid to vomit-hole. The result is that time itself is all outta... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 4:28 AM on November 4, 2011

Grammar BULLSHIT thought ways-all me, is. Grammar fuck! ??? it HA have why HA ! HA make words sense, way any ? riteiam
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:00 AM on November 3, 2011

Instead of publicising shocking media pic opportunities, perhaps they should clearly state their aims to those of us who don't understand why Australians are squatting in CBD's while the rest of us are still going about our business, living day-to-day, paying our bills, swapping from banks to credit unions to ensure that our money isn't paying bank CEO's, etc

We should note that the ideology of capitalism itself requires that these protesters - who... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:30 AM on October 21, 2011

fdsfsdfsdgfdsgrfgdfz grewawr12!

That's a good point actually - I hadn't thought of that. Shit.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 6:55 AM on October 21, 2011

Mars??? FUCK Mars. Dare to dream, America. Let's get out of this solar system, to other stars! Dicking around with nearby planets is for LOSERS.

Grab a seat, Gen-Xoids, and listen to my pitch. Do you remember when we first saw "Star Wars," all those years ago?

And do you recall, at that time, thinking to yourself, "Golly gee shucks, one day I might like to travel very slowly in a cramped space to a nearby planet where... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 9:38 AM on October 20, 2011

the only possible "means" to read reality, through matter rather than light

TOTALLY agree with this. Light? Light is some fucking BULLSHIT that was squirted out of an electron's ASS and now speeds off as fast as it can thinking it's "all that". I fucking SPIT on light and all well-lit things. Give me matter any day: strong, slow, dependable matter that will not let you down and doesn't just shoot off out of a policeman's torch,... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 10:35 AM on October 19, 2011

Genetic problems with one species can be compensated by another

This is a very interesting point about inter-species co-operation, and you know who else has an interesting "point" re: inter-species co-operation? A fucking giant scorpion-human symbiotic entity that can RUN AFTER YOU with its pointy stinger as fast as you can run away - that's who.

Please also add that agenda item to your ongoing deliberations.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 10:02 AM on October 19, 2011

SILENCED ALL MY LIFE. BY GIANT SCORPIONS.
posted to MetaFilter by the quidnunc kid at 10:11 AM on October 19, 2011